It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!



Sunday, December 30, 2012

Ass of FIRE! The Chantix Diaries

THE CHANTIX DIARIES

DAY 4
NIGHT 3

Well I've not died yet, I've not killed anyone yet and I have not felt like killing myself yet so I guess one would or rather could say, I'm off to a hell of a start!  The dreams have not been as wildly vivid and seemingly as long as the first night but they've still been a pretty wild ride.  If you did not catch the first post in this series, just below the photo on top of the blog page there are two tabs, one reads "home" the other "The Chantix Diaries", there you can read in pretty great detail the dream I had and what happened within hours of taking the first dose.  So now if you haven't read it yet, I would suggest hopping over there, checking it out and then clicking back over to this post to continue on.  If you are up to date on the first post, then by all means read away.

I was warned by the doctor that it would be a smart move to break the dose in half and begin that way so up until yesterday I was on the equivalent of 1/4 dose.  Since nothing in the opening line of this post had occured, I thought, "why listen to that silly doctor, nothing bad has happened, I must be immune to this shit"!  So I doubled up!

Chantix lesson number one that I've learned in this process is what I believe will be an important one to remember!  DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT if you ever decide to go on this medicine, eat MEXICAN FOOD at 11pm!  As one might imagine what Mexican food does to the insides of us GRINGOS, but now imagine what it does to us GRINGOS whose bodies are just getting use to a medicine that the most reported side effect is stomach pain or upset stomach?  Each night since I began this, I lay in bed hoping to fall asleep while trying to stay awake over an uneasy feeling of the "unknown".  Last night was the first time that all I wanted to do was fall asleep and I didn't care what the dreams brought!  As I lay down I could feel my stomach pain coming on.  You know when you are absolutely famished and your belly feels so empty that you think it's going to cave in?  That is what it feels like to me at least.  I sat around a campfire last night with a pharmacist and ran down what I've experienced so far and he just laughed at me.  Nice bedside manner right?  I also ran down some side effects that he had yet to ever hear about, so I've got that going for me!  Anyway, back to laying in bed and the pressure building up in my gut and the gale force winds blowing straight out of my ass!  I was sort of rolling around and pulling my knees up into fetal position and then pushing them straight and then rolling to the other side.  I had the added bonus having my mouth fill with acid virtually simultaneously with the anus RATTLING farts, so that was super cool!  I've been experiencing what one could only consider a 60 hour long fart!

Oh my my, I nearly forget to mention the true gift that comes from all this farting.  I've got so much room on my side of the king size bed now!  I need it for all the rolling around I do throughout the night but mostly I have that extra room because Diane is laying as far away as possible from me with her extra pillow over her head and the down comforter pushed so tightly around her that no air can pass through it.  I believe that it may work and no air passes through but apparently GOD AWFUL SMELL OF DEATH is not considered air because she just can't seem to get away from that.  Have you ever seen your dog right after it farts and it looks back at its own ass like "wow, did that come out of me"?  Almost immediately, the dog gets up and just walks out of the room leaving that dead goat smell for you     to savor.  Well I'm not the dog so I don't get out of bed and go foul another room, but I am very much like the dog when I actually look down at my ass and think "that could not have just come out of me" and before I even have a moment to ponder that question it is answered by the next rolling wave of stomach pain and chemical warfare emitting from my already sore from the violent vibrating sphincter! My asshole is shaking so hard that there is no way that it's not burning calories from the workout, so hey, got that going for me too!

I won't even get into the most recent dreams because they were not as amazing as my evening fighting lions on the back patio of TT's Roadhouse here in Arizona with nothing more than a bar stool.  I will say that I had no idea that when you are up in Payson and it is freezing cold and snowing like a son of a bitch out front of the house, if you want to go for a ride on the bikes, all you have to do is walk out the back door of the house where the bikes are lined up and sitting out in the bright Az sunshine!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't ask, it gets insane from here on out!  I will add however that the most amazing idea that I've ever had for a television show came to me that night courtesy of my hosting friends I love and one epic piece of shit in my dreams!  I'll let you know how that goes!

So tomorrow I begin taking the medicine twice a day, the only thing that I look to the heavens and pray for is that my ass can handle all of this.  Okay, not the only thing I can ask for.  I'm also gonna ask that Diane does not become so completely and totally disgusted by me that our new sleeping arrangements last any longer than they have to!

Until we see each other on the road again;  Have a happy, healthy and safe new year's eve everyone!  I've cancelled all plans, I'm just not up to hosting a party and for that matter, I'm not even up for going to one so it looks like it will be just Diane and your pal Jack just burning a hole in the couch from his epic ass of fire!

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Thursday, December 27, 2012

All Great Runs Must End!

Every day in life we are forced to make decisions, some simple and some truly epic, many of which we don't even realize we are making, they just become second nature for your mind to make them on its own.  Other decisions can be monumental and the choice you make will have tremendous effect on the lives of all those around you.  Just as they say that dropping a pebble in the ocean in Australia can cause a tsunami in Hawaii, I believe this theory.  Every thing we do, whether we like it or not has a direct effect on those that surround us.  In my 44 years I've made some of the best decisions that a human being could possibly have made and on the flip side of that coin I've made some of the worst as well.  I won't get into listing all the good and I'm sure as hell not going to list ANY of the bad!  If you know me, then you probably have a good idea of what these were and if you know me well enough, you probably had a hand in helping me to make those bad decisions!  A single choice we make 10 - 20- 30 years ago that seemed so insignificant at the time can lead to catastrophic results later on down the line.  This is why now, as I grow fatter with each passing day and not giving a great flying fuck about the next for so very long, I choose to make a decision that will hopefully bring me many "next days" for a long, long time.  I've lived my life at throttle wide open, scraping a knee in turns, balls to the wall and one foot in the grave for the better part of my life.  It seemed the more dangerous the activity, the stronger my attraction was to it.  The sole fact that there was really no way to determine exactly what the outcome of a decision would be pushed me faster towards making that decision with a devil may care attitude.  The problem with running with one foot in the grave is that eventually you slow down a bit and realize that you no longer have one foot in the grave but you've sank all the way to the knee or even mid thigh and the thrill of it all begins to take a back seat to the reality of it all and better yet, THE GRAVITY of it all.

A month or so ago, those of you who are friends with me on face book or those of you who subscribe may remember me making a post asking about Chantix and asking people to offer up their first hand experiences with it.  That post quite possibly may be the most commented on post that I've ever put up and the response was an overwhelmingly bad one at that!  The stories that I read and the comments that were posted were enough to scare the living shit out of me and I don't scare off often nor easy!  I realized that if I wanted to quit smoking I was going to have to do it on my own and I would begin by cutting down and then walking away from it all once and for all!  Well I have cut down but you know what?  That insignificant decision that I made 30 years ago when that friend said try this and I did may be coming back to haunt me.  I also realized that nicotine patches are not only expensive but a total crock of shit.....   I could have stuck them to my eyeballs and not felt a damn thing.  I also realized that I don't have the willpower that I once had and that 30 year habit was quite a bit stronger than I had ever imagined.  The funny thing is that it is not for me as much about the smoke as it is the smoking.  Does that make sense to anyone?  Get in the car, light a smoke.  Finish eating, light a smoke.  Wrap up some sweet, sweet love making, light a smoke.  Wrap up some awful love making ( my fault of course) and you guessed it, light up a smoke!!!!  The time has come and I realized that I could not do it on my own and I don't have ten years of trying to quit, quitting and then starting right back up again and repeating this shit over and over.  I HAVE TO GET A HOLD OF THIS NOW AND DO IT RIGHT and pay the price and hopefully, I won't have all the awful reactions and side effects that everyone told me about.  I filled my prescription for Chantix and today, I took my first dose!

What I decided to do was document this process and hope that it gives me strength to push through and stay clean if you will.  If I don't cut these fucking things out of my life, I may not have a life anyway!  I'm not ready to go anywhere so my decision has been made.  I just hope Diane doesn't kill me in the process.  So what I'm going to do is right here and right now create "THE CHANTIX DIARIES" and keep track of what happens to me while taking it and share it with you all and hope that maybe if it goes well for me, then it may help one of you to quit.  If it goes bad for me, I'll know just when it happened and if it goes really, really bad for me, perhaps I can at the very least use the Diaries as part of my defense!  So look forward to the one thing that you will always get from me without fail, brutal honesty!  No matter what happens, good, bad, success or failure, you will know it and you will share that shit with me!

So let's begin;

Dear Chantix Diary, someone told me that when you take YOU, there is a chance that it will upset the stomach.  Today with my first dose, which I cut in half by the way hoping to build up slowly in my system before going full on into Chantix insanity, I began to experience a bit of pressure in my belly.  As I sat on the couch, lap top open and on, I could feel a less than comfortable sensation and it would rise and fall like a roller coaster.  I had to go with Diane to our nieces town home to drop off some material for her construction that is going on that Diane could not carry herself.  While carrying in the box of tile I felt that roller coaster climbing to the top again.  Once I carried in the vanity top, I began to feel that coaster racing down hill and into its first loop!  Diane had gone up stairs to check on the bathroom.  Now understand, the place is empty except for material and tools and when I tell you there was nothing to deaden the sound I mean there was nothing to deaden the sound!  I let out what quite possibly be the most powerful, longest lasting, strangest sounding fart of my life!  Now we have a running joke around here that my farts don't smell, my feet don't smell and even after working outside in the AZ desert heat and not showering, I DON'T SMELL but God made up for it by giving me a child size penis!!!  Oh well, at least I don't stink right?  I've got that to be thankful for right?  Well let's just say I use to have that to be thankful for!  Not only in what seemed to be a split second after the actual rocket propelled fart ended and my anus began to feel like someone had jammed the neck of a broken bottle straight up my ass from my sphincter vibrating so hard did I realize that in all my life, all the food that I've eaten, all the partying that I've done, I've never in my life had a fart smell like this!!!  The smell filled the entire first floor of a town home instantly!  The place was engulfed!  It was as if the enemy had just released chemical weapons upon us!  I was both ashamed and oddly proud in that moment!  Diane came down the steps and said "holy shit, was that you or is there a dead hooker in the closet"?  I said "yes, it was me and no dead hooker in the closet, I think there is one in my ass"!  Now I have not farted again since this relationship changing fart and for that I am grateful but one has to wonder, if this was half the dosage on the very first day, only hours after taking the first dose, what the hell do I have in store for me?

So that was it, my first Chantix Diary post.  I don't know what making this decision will bring to me or what effect it will have but whatever it will be, it will be right here on this silly friggin blog!  The reason that I used the photo at the top of this post was because I'm hoping it will be the last drawing, photo or video ever taken of me with a smoke in my hand!  Wish me luck!  Thank you Ms. Pinky Pancake from Sacred Skin Tattoo for the drawing, I love it!

Until we see each other on the road again;

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back and
The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Stuck at home on Christmas with The Shits!

What happens when you are stuck at home with The Shits on Christmas?  What happens when
George the Painter comes down on Christmas and fills his pipe?  Ideas like this!  Merry Christmas
everyone!  Here is a message from Diane, a message of thanks and a poem of joy!

GTP LIGHTS OUR FIRE!

video
It's the very first time that we remember the most, isn't that what everyone always says?  You never forget your first?  Do you remember some of these milestones in your life?  The first time a chick fell for the "I'll just put the tip in" line or the first time you tried with all your heart and soul to walk in the house shit faced drunk and convince your parents that someone must have dosed you because you would never drink or the first time that your girl leaned over while you were driving and put her head in your lap or the first time you were out deep in the woods in the dead of winter at keg party and your girl and her best friend get in an argument over who gives the best head and decide that this debate must be settled right there and then?  The first time you were released from the back of a police car and the cop said, "now get the fuck out of here or next time I catch you, I'LL CALL YOUR FATHER", the first time you got the front wheel up on a motorcycle and you rode that shit out and didn't crash your buddies bike doing it or the first time you took a chance, went for it and didn't hear, WRONG HOLE, WRONG HOLE, WRONG HOLE!!!!  Ah yes, so now we are on the same page of those special times we all hold so dear in our hearts and in our memory!

Tonight was one of those special nights I won't soon forget!  It's Christmas time and I have to admit coming into the season, I was one miserable ass som bitch!  Somehow we managed to salvage the holiday and it actually turned out pretty decent.  On Christmas day, George the Painter jumped on his Leaky Latowski and rode down the mountain from Payson to come join us in our celebration of the birth of Baby Jesus.... or perhaps he took the ride because he was going bat shit crazy up there all by himself, we may never actually know the truth!  Since we were in the spirit of the day, we decided to make one of Diane's wishes come true.  We've lived in our house now for 3 years and one of the reasons we chose this house was the fact the home had two gorgeous fireplaces!  Oh the fantasies that those things inspired in us.... well 3 years have gone by and till this day, we've never lit the fireplace in our bed room or in our family room.  Well wish no more!  Today I sent GTP up on to the roof like god damned Spiderman to unblock the flue while all the neighbors wondered who that skinny prick was on my roof yelling down, it looks clear to me, but it has a bend in it!!!  Shine the flashlight up the hole!  Oh yeah, I don't think my heavily Mormon populated hood had any idea what hit them!  They must have thought the biker scum were filming another dirty movie at the house on the corner!  So we did it, we lit the fireplace for the first time ever and Diane has a big ass happy smile on her face!

If I would have had any idea that if you do what she wants and things that make her happy, she busts my balls a whole lot less and I GET REWARDED!!!  That video WILL NOT follow!

Until we see each other on the road again;

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

It's better to give than receive, ANAL that is!

For many, these days, the happiest time of the year is actually a living hell!  The pain of loss seems to hurt ten fold when that loss happens during the holidays!  I've gotten a whole bunch of messages lately from people asking if I would be kind enough to write to someone who is really down or has experienced a loss, someone who is trying to recover from a bike or car wreck or soldiers who are away still fighting to bring freedom to a bunch of people who try to blow them up just for doing it.  I also get asked to make phone calls or visit folks in the hospital and to be quite frank, it is the most humbling experience of my life to think that something that I can do or say can help another while they are at the lowest times in their lives and that simply put, blows my fucking mind!!!!  So I say thank you all for following my silly life and for sending so much love and good wishes when Diane is not feeling well.  You may not know it, but you guys do for Diane and myself with your messages and calls what I try to do for others and as I sit here on Christmas day, I realize that no matter how bad shit may seem, we are all blessed to share in each others lives and I'll be eternally grateful for it!

I myself am feeling a little bit bummed out today.  We had big plans to spend our Christmas helping others in need and volunteering at a soup kitchen or a shelter, a VA hospital or any place that would have us.  As it turns out, Christmas day is the ONE DAY A YEAR that these places don't need anyone! I thought that it would have been the exact opposite.  I thought it would be the one day a year when these places would be desperate for help.  I guess you live and you learn.  We had to fill out applications to volunteer, can you imagine?  "What experience do you have ladling soup into a bowl" kind of questions, are you fucking kidding me?  So through a friend, we found out that at the Phoenix Convention Center, they host thousands of homeless, feed them, get them cleaned up, get them warm jackets, cut their hair, give them cell phones so that they may call people that perhaps they have not spoken to in years and a whole assortment of other great services and we were so excited to be part of it.  They turn no volunteers away and always have room for more!  To give you an idea of the scope of it, last year they gave 3 thousand hair cuts on Christmas day, incredible!  We were up all night as Diane was not feeling well and planned to still get up around 7 to get ready and head out.  I tried for 2 hours to wake Diane up and damn near got hardly a grunt out of her.  I waited until 10am and tried again.  When I finally got her coherent enough to answer me, I knew right then and there that our volunteering mission for the day was shot to hell!  Christmas day and Diane can barely get out of bed.  As I write this, it is nearly 4 pm and she still lays there feeling awful and it breaks my heart!  They say that when it is not the holidays is the time that these places need the volunteers so we will do our part another time and as often as we can, so I'll get over it, but I still feel really sad that on a day that we should be celebrating Diane feels horrible!  If I could have only one Christmas wish, I would wish that I could turn the tables and flip her suffering on to me and that she could wake each day and never have to worry about the pain that she lives with!

On a positive note, I have to mention the obvious, today is the 25th and if you are reading this, THE WORLD DID NOT COME TO AN END on the 21st!  What a crock of shit that was.  Since I am a fan of Ancient Aliens on the history channel I still have a small part of me that things perhaps the 21st was just day one of the beginning of the end!  I guess we will have to watch, wait and see.  It is clear that the world is not exactly becoming a "better place"!

2012 was my very best rally season since I got back into "the scene" instead of just doing stand up and I loved each and every grueling minute of it!  2013 is shaping up so far to absolutely blow the previous year out of the water!  I have many gigs planned all over the country and I have the great honor to once again be the host of all the madness at the Legendary Broken Spoke Saloon and this year is the 25th anniversary of this incredible place and it proudly still holds the title as THE WORLDS BIGGEST BIKER BAR!  We have added what we call pop up rallies to our schedule so for those of you who send me messages or comment on pics that we post up about how bummed out they are that they can't make it to the "major" rallies and never get to attend a party at the Broken Spoke well keep your fingers crossed because we may be bringing a Broken Spoke to a town near you soon enough!  I also just booked a major event on the east coast and I'll be dropping that news shortly.  I want to thank you all for your incredible support in 2012 and I give you my word that YOU AIN'T SEEN SHIT YET!  2013 is shaping up to be huge and when the time is right and if what we have planned comes to fruition, you folks are going to plain and simple, lose your fucking minds!

I hope and pray that each and every single one of you had your Christmas wish come true.  Along those lines, may this upcoming new year bring you each nothing but health, happiness and prosperity.  We've all been through far too much awful, ugly shit over these past few years and it is time to put it all behind us and push forward.  Find something that you truly believe in and make a stand!  Find something or someone you love and love it like never before!  Do something that you have always dreamed of and do it well!  Take chances, ride hard and ride fast, life is far too short to live it while riding in the slow lane!  Never give up hope because anything worth having is worth fighting for.  Nobody is just going to hand it over to you, nobody is going to wrap it up and leave it on your doorstep, you can't wait for the auction to end on Ebay to buy your dream, you have got to go out and CHASE THAT SHIT DOWN!  I need to follow my own advice sometimes too.  It's easy to put this shit out there and just as easy to not live it as well.  The one thing I am sure of is that there are major changes that need to take place in my life and they need to take place quickly!  I'm not one for making New Year's Resolutions because I never, ever had any intention of living up to them, so I won't call this a resolution but more of a mission statement!  It is time for your ol' pal Jack Shit to get his life in order, get back into shape so that I can be around long enough to make our dreams come true and if I die trying or chasing them, then so be it, what a way to go!  We must strive to thrive..... or is it the other way around?

Until we see each other on the road again, I'd like to wish you all the Hap, Hap, Happiest Christmas you've ever had!

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit


Monday, December 10, 2012

The Cure For A Shit Day!


I was looking for something earlier on YouTube and of course could not find the damn thing but I did come across this video that I had forgotten all about.  This was from the Sturgis Rally, 2011 on my birthday.  I was having an amazing day when someone came to the Spoke and tried to pull a fast one on me.  At first I thought maybe it was just some type of bday practical joke but as it turned out, it wasn't!  It was just some self centered sociopath trying to do whatever he could to get into the limelight for a little bit and at any cost.  This was the straw that broke the camel's back as far as I was concerned.  When you fuck with a man where he works, you are fucking with his livelihood, his ability to feed his family and take care of his responsibilities.  I really thought my head was about to explode until my friends, one after another began to arrive.  With each person who hugged me, said happy birthday and smiled, the stress eased up a little at a time.  A while after that, Sara Liberte and good ol' boy Jeremy showed up and sat me down for a little bday interview.  By the end of this interview, there was no way to wipe the smile off of my face and we ended up having one hell of a night.  So go on, take a look and enjoy it.  Everyone who has seen it has told me it was a kick ass interview!

Until we see each other again on the road;

Keep the wind in your face
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Jack Shit

Friday, December 7, 2012

AIN'T NO HEAD LIKE A KNUCKLEHEAD

As I sit here tonight on the couch waiting for the lil woman to get her shit together so we can do what all the old couples we know do, go out to dinner.  I remember the days when I didn't even get in the shower to go out until 10:30 pm and now most nights I find myself sitting on the couch, bag of pretzels between my legs watching some stupid fucking re-run on some overpriced movie channel and thinking "ah it's too late to go out now" and noticing that it is 9:15 pm.  When the fuck did I get so old?  Is it really age though or is it state of mind?  Hell, I know old people who go out and hike all day up mountains and then go and party all night so I have to deduce that it is not my age but my attitude and you know what?  MY ATTITUDE SUCKS LATELY!  It is one thing to know what your problem is and then not work to better it, but what do you do when you can't figure out what your problem is?  How do you go about making things better for yourself when you can't even begin to get a handle on what you need to make better?

I know that I'm tired of getting our asses kicked by the system for certain.  You know the old saying, you can't fight city hall, well it seems to be more like, you can't fight the insurance company, you can't fight the pharmaceutical  company, you can't fight the cell phone carrier, you can't fight FEMA, you can't fight the bank etc....  there seems to be more big business handing out crushing blows to us all, the little people these days than ever before.  I saw today that a friend posted up a photo of their home in Jersey.  Now these people lived down the shore (near the ocean or water for those of you that don't know that in Jersey, no matter where you are, north, south, east or west, you always go DOWN THE SHORE) and they had every single type of insurance that you can have.  Home, fire, flood, car.... they were insured out the ass and ready for any type of catastrophe that the universe could throw their way.  So Sandy hits and it's now long since passed but people are still screwed.  This particular friend had all of their insurance through All-State and had for many years.  The insurance adjusters finally arrived, assessed their damages and the home is a total loss by the way, water was up to the bottom of the second floor and a wave literally blew a massive hole through the front of the home, well anyway, they offered this family $158.65.  Yes, you are reading that correctly, that is not a typo, one hundred and fifty bucks for their home, their car and all their belongings!  They red tagged the home which means it is a total loss and uninhabitable and against the law for them to even enter the property, so they in-fact are now law breakers for taking photos of the damage in their own home!  How can this be?  How can they get away with this?  They take our money because you must have insurance BY LAW and yet they do everything and anything they can to keep from ever having to pay out a single penny to the policy holders.  My heart bleeds for the people on the east coast who have not only lost everything, but continue to be injured by the unjust treatment that they are receiving.  I know that this is something that has me really bummed out and I feel helpless because there is nothing that I can do to help them.  We've shopped for Diane's medicine last week to see if the price had gone down or to see if we can get it for a lower price anywhere and the cost rather than go down, has now gone up to $132,500 per month!  One month of medicine costs a thousand times what they are giving people for the total loss of their homes?  Does this make any sense to any of you?  I know that has got me down too and has for the last 12 years!  These companies are like criminal organizations that hold the power of life and death in their hands in many cases and still do whatever they can to break it off in your ass and the more people that they can break it off in the asses of, an employee is getting a bonus for it!  There is just so much that is wrong with the world and so many are hurting so badly and I can't seem to shake the awful feeling of it.  I've always been aware of suffering and I've always felt bad for those who suffer, but never before have I ever felt the weight of it so heavily.

So for me, what I try to do is focus on what I have that is good.  What I have to look forward to and those that I love.  Rather than be jealous of those I know who are achieving some level of success, I celebrate it and pray that good is coming our way as well.  Nothing in life worth having comes easy and nothing in life is free, this is obvious....  well except for the Obama phone but don't get me started on that shit....  I am a firm believer in a free market system, I just hate greed, so I try to counter the greed of the world by doing good for other people.  I've found that the worse I'm feeling, the more I do for others makes me feel so much better.  There was an old saying "your not in this alone" and normally it made you feel better to know that you were not out on a ledge by yourself, but is it any better to know that SO MANY people are standing on that ledge as well?  One would think that at some point, that ledge would not be able to bear the weight of all those people out there and eventually snap off!  I'm going to do whatever the fuck it takes to come in from that ledge and hopefully pull a few people back in with me.  No matter what the case, I'm trying to stay focused and positive and just try to find away around, over, under or through whatever obstacles the world keeps throwing in our way.  I've got more events planned in this coming year then I ever have before, I'm getting my writing out to the world now, Diane's health is staying steady and her MS has not progressed and gotten worse, we have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies and we just keep on fighting.  We need things to look forward to and this will help motivate you to keep up the fight.  For me, what I am looking forward to most is what you've read in the title of this post.

My baby is getting ready to hit the road again.  My pride and joy as many of you know is my beautiful 47' Knuck.  Life is also about learning lessons and the most recent lesson I've learned is that a 65 year old bike is not meant to be ridden like a Ducati!  Oh well, lesson learned and the heart and soul of my knuck will be re-built shortly.  As a matter of fact, it is in the process of getting fixed right now.  I can't wait to kick that dirty bitch to life, hop on and run the mountain roads and switchbacks again.  So each time I'm feeling like shit, I pull out a pic or look at a video clip from riding her or think about a trip that I've taken her on and it lifts me up.
No matter how bad things are for us in our lives, there is either an amazing memory to look back and revel in or something that lay ahead to think of, look forward to, in some cases maybe to dream of.  No matter how small or big that may be, let your mind drift for a bit and let it take you on a trip to that happy place and you would be shocked at how much it helps.  I guess the point I've been rambling about here and driving some of those people out on the ledge to jump is simply, fuck it man, life is too short, be positive because how much worse can things really get?  Hopefully one day soon I'll notice you smiling on the side of the road or in a park or by the lake, I'll be the lunatic that comes screaming by on the bright red knuck!  Okay, so maybe I didn't learn my lesson about riding it too hard.... oh well...

All I know is that this time of the year is the hardest time for so many of us.  I know that we don't all feel the joy in this season and I understand that, I just wish that so many didn't feel so much pain during this time of the year!  Go out and volunteer, help someone, do something nice for someone who doesn't expect it and you know what?  It helps, believe me.  It will help both them and you and I've also found that it is in-fact contagious!  I hope that things get better for all of us and they get better soon!  I'm not even sure I should post this shit.  I never read what I've written once it's written, I just hit spell check and post.  Fuck, this started out to just be a post about my knuck getting worked on......  imagine what would happen had I not been stone sober?

Until we see each other again,

keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

An Evening With Dee Snider





Here is a quick teaser clip for the upcoming interview feature in the next issue of Cycle Source Magazine.  This was one hell of a night with a truly amazing individual!  This guy was nothing but class and one of the kindest stars I've ever seen with his fans!  I can't wait to share the interview with you guys, you will have a whole new way of looking at this rock n roll legend!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

A DAY IN THE BEAR'S DEN

HERE IS YET ANOTHER POST THAT HAS BEEN CHANGED FROM ITS ORIGINAL FORMAT.  I ALWAYS SAY IF I MAKE A MISTAKE I'LL OWN UP TO IT AND IF I CAN, I'LL FIX IT.  A FRIEND BROUGHT A MISTAKE THAT I MADE TO MY ATTENTION SO I AM CORRECTING IT.  IT WILL BE IN BRIGHT RED BELOW.  

Every now and again, you hear a story about some hapless soul who wandered into a bear's den and ended up becoming bear shit because they were eaten by the bears.  Here is a tale of a similar event with a much different outcome.  In this particular case, the hapless souls were not eaten by the bear but rather, both the bear and its girl fed those crazy enough to walk into the den.  How is this possible you may be asking yourself right now?  If you think that shit sounds strange, imagine this....  THE BEAR SERVED VEGETARIAN CHILI!  Are you confused yet?  Well let me straighten this sorted tale out for you.

As we are quickly approaching the end of this monumental nightmare of a year for so many, myself included, I began to think back on the events of the year, the people that I was either blessed or cursed to have shared it with, what I've done right and what I've done oh so wrong and I was left wondering where this next year would lead me.  While reflecting on this years progression, aggression and some of my transgressions, I could not help but stew a little bit in the bad and marinate a little bit in the good.  It does however seem that with all the bad that we face in our lives, for the first year in a great many years, the good far outweighed the bad and for that I'll be eternally grateful.  I know, I know, what the fuck am I talking about?

One of the highlights of the year for me was once again hosting the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally at The World Famous Broken Spoke Saloon.  I love this gig for so many reasons and oddly enough the reasons that I don't enjoy the gig are often the same.  Let me give you an example of how this is even possible.  One of the things I love the most about hosting rallies is getting to see friends from all over the world when they come to visit and party and one of the things that saddens me the most is not getting to spend any real time with them.  A minute here, sharing a shot there or a few minutes at the end of the night before we make our plan for how to make our guests happy the next day.  So even though my face lights up when I get to see these friends, I can't help but to frown a bit as I watch them all ride away or head back to camp to party for I still have work to do.  I won't complain about it, I would not trade it for anything but no one says I have to be happy about it either.  Because my birthday always falls during the Sturgis rally, my wedding anniversary falls during the Laughlin River Run, Diane's birthday falls during Daytona Bike Week and so on, we are forced to celebrate these events on different dates and that's okay too.   One of the things we do as many of you may remember comes after Sturgis.  When I get home, I sleep for damn near a week and then Diane and I jump on the bike and we head off to California for some much needed rest and relaxation and we go and visit our friend Chopper Doll.

We had been posting on Facebook about our trip between us and a friend added onto the thread.  Asking when we were coming out etc.  As it turns out, this friend was not even a 30 minute ride from her house.  We called up, found out when he'd be around, made plans and headed off to visit.  I figured hey, it's right down the street and I didn't get to spend any time with him in Sturgis, why not go visit now for a few minutes.  Well minutes turned into hours and we went from just stopping by to receiving the royal treatment.  Not only were we welcomed with open arms and big hugs but we got to tour the entire place.  We even got to go into the "no cameras allowed" museum that boasts a treasure trove of chopper history and then sat down to watch a short film of him at the Harley Davidson Museum.  As the hours passed by, we thought for sure we were intruding but we were assured that we were not.  Not only were we not intruding, but the Mrs. was heading down to the shop to make dinner for everyone.  We just kind of all looked at each other wondering if this was really happening?  "Will you stay for dinner" we were asked and of course, our answer was absofuckinlootely!  I wandered around the shop looking at pieces of history, projects a plenty in different stages of completion and the sweet smell of Turkey chili cooking away on the stove.  I WAS INFORMED THAT TURKEY IS NOT A VEGETABLE AND THEREFORE CAN'T BE CONSIDERED VEGETARIAN CHILI!  Have you guys figured out who I'm talking about yet?  This day was a day that I won't soon forget and I had held off on sharing this story here or running it in Cycle Source and I thought what the hell, I'll share it with you guys.  We were treated so kindly by this legend of the bike world.  The stories that were shared with us were incredible and informative.  Things I thought that I knew were so very wrong and in-fact, I didn't know shit compared to the facts in a few cases.  We got to hop around on his bikes and in a split second, Diane was hooked and was sure that she now needed a 20 over front end on her next bike.  He just kept saying, go ahead, sit on it, feel the bars and turn the wheel in any direction and watch what happens and when we did we were amazed.  I wanted Diane to have the full "real deal feel of being in the wind" on the bike so as she sat on it, feet up on the pegs, I blew air into her face to blow her hair back.  Well here, see for yourself.
Diane didn't have the decency to do the same for me and I had to pretend that I was rolling down the road on one of these pieces of history and just imagine that it was just a day with very little wind.  Are you recognizing the shop yet?
As you can see in the pic, this is one happy girl and you can see the wheels in her head turning, thinking about how cool she is going to be running down the road with that front end poking a half mile out in front of her.
The truly observant will have figured out just whose shop we are in right now and if you look closely, you can just peek through the door of the "museum", but since you can't really see anything, I figured it was okay to share this photo.  Well I'm thinking that once I share the next photo you are going to know exactly where we were so here goes.
So now you have it!  The man who was so kind to open up his shop to us, stop working all together, deal with my stupid questions, give us the grand tour and take us all on a walk down memory lane for the TRUE history of the chopper and then after it all invite us to stay for dinner is the one and only Sugar Bear!  The reason you see the ladder standing behind us is because there was no way on earth that I was leaving there without a Sugar Bear shirt and neither was Diane or Chopper Doll so Bear pulled out the ladder and went digging for us.  Hell, if all he did to welcome us wasn't enough, we then made him pose for silly pics with us and he could not have been any more gracious than he was.  The man is a gentleman, an icon and a legend who has held true to what he believes in from the moment he began in this industry and has never wavered.  A true testament to standing behind what you make is by sticking to what you know and as far as I know, no one on earth makes a better, badder, cooler front end than my friend Sugar Bear!
 If it wasn't enough for us to make him pose for pics, it then became, okay, stay there Bear, we have to switch places and photographers and he just laughed and waited for us to get set and take the pics.
After meeting so many people at rallies, on the road or friends who run Sugar Bear front ends there is one thing I hear each and every single time and that is "I'd never want another front end as long as I live, there is nothing on earth like it"!!!  If you have not heard of Sugar Bear, where the hell have ya been?  If you want to see more of this legend, just google him or go on youtube and search "history of the chopper" and you too will learn some things you would have never even imagined!

I didn't get the chance to go to the Bear's Den at the Broken Spoke Campground in Sturgis for the BBQ during the rally but I did finally get to sit down and break bread or well in this case, tortilla chips with a legend and this was hands down one of the very best highlights of my year!  I am not sure how to spell his beautiful wife's name, I believe it is Fugi and it sounds like it would be spelled Fuji so I mean no disrespect if I've gotten it wrong.  Thank you so much for taking a few bikers into your home and making us feel so warm and welcome and like we had been friends for 30 years!  This is one class act and from the bottom of my heart, thank you again Bear! IT IS SPELLED FUJI!

So you all see it is possible to safely go into the Bear's Den and not be eaten but be fed instead!  Everyday we go out and we make memories, some good, some bad, but regardless, we have to go out and make them, they shape us into the people we become!  On days when I'm feeling down or laying around in brutal pain, I'll be able to look back on 2012's post Sturgis trip and remember just how great it all was, especially this day in the Den!  Thanks again Bear and FUJI!  Thanks for snapping the pics Chopper Doll and for putting up with your late sleeping house guests!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

Monday, December 3, 2012

Don't get much cooler than this!

This is the first time that I've ever tried to upload a video directly to the blog so I really have no idea how it is going to turn out so if it is screwed, we'll have all learned a lesson.  Early in November some friends invited me down to Houston to stay with them and ride on down to the Lone Star Rally and party with them and do a little bit of riding in a place I've yet to visit.  It took some serious thinking and when I figured out that I could not only get in a few days of riding but accomplish a much needed task for The Broken Spoke Saloon, the plans were set in stone.  The first chance that I get, I'll try to sit down and tell you how that amazing trip went but for now, I just wanted to share this with you all.  On my last day in Houston after the rally, with a few hours to kill before my flight home, my friends James and Sarah Lovelady invited me to lunch.  To be honest, I was still full from breakfast the day prior but when James hit me with "we'll drive over in the 32' " he had me and he knew it.  I was shocked at how amazing this fucker rolled down the road.  Here I am, driving to lunch in a car that is 80 years old and it is in better shape then some cars I know that are 10 years old!  Where oh where did the pride and craftsmanship disappear to in the products that are made these days?  Anyway, I thought you all would love to get a look at the piece of American Gangster history right here.  The car, with very few exceptions is exactly how it rolled off the assembly line in 1932!  Enjoy and until we see each other on the road again.  Thank you again so very much to my incredible hosts and all the people that I got to meet down in Texas!

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back 
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Jack Shit


video

Sunday, December 2, 2012

It Makes It All Worth It!

THIS POST HAS BEEN CHANGED FROM ITS ORIGINAL FORMAT:  Changes or additions to the original post will appear in red.  


Yeah, I've been gone again!  I just noticed that it is more than a month since I've posted up on the  blog and I'm sorry, I didn't keep my promise to not disappear on you guys again.  I can't really explain why, sometimes I just drop off the face of the earth.  It's not like I haven't been up to anything, as a matter of fact, in the last month I've done some super cool shit.  Now is not the time to go into all that I've been up to but I will share a highlight of this time period that happened last night.  As a matter of fact, when this happens to me and it's happened quite a few times, each its own story, I can't begin to tell you the level of joy that this brings me....  so here is how it goes and went!

Last night, we went over the to Celebrity Theatre in Phoenix to see Bret Michaels do his show and his charity auction.  I've gotten to know the band fairly well over the last 9 months or so and I can say this for certain, the Bret Michaels Band is chock full of kick ass guys!  I've grown even closer to the main man who runs the console, Rudy T. Reily and John King Stensland super guitar tech to the god's!  So on Saturday night while having dinner with these guys, they asked if Diane and I wanted to go to the show. Well hell yeah we want to go to the damn show!  I never really get to take Diane to do cool shit much these days as the cool shit that I do is all over the country and she is always so busy and it's hard to get away.  I managed to shoot some video with the phone and that actually came out looking and sounding great but the photos are less than great but I'll share a few with you guys anyway.  It was hard not to get a good shot as we watched the show from the orchestra pit and practically sat on the damn stage.
 This is our buddy Rudy T.

 Guitar God himself John

 Dirty Ray rocking his new leather covered bass


 Pistol Pete just could not wipe the smile off his face last night
 So this is how the night went.  Rudy had John call us and tell us that they got tickets for us and we could pick them up at the will call office.  We walked in the basement door to the Celebrity Club or some shit like that, all I know was as soon as you made it past the security, there was a great big bar and what the hell, we were at a concert after all, so we grabbed a couple of Jack n Cokes and headed for the arena.   In this same area was a shit ton of memorabilia and signed schwag from Bret that was being auctioned off for several charities.  The ones I can remember are Wounded Warrior, American Diabetes, Phoenix Children's Hospital and maybe one or two more, but it was a great night of giving was ahead of us all.  We got up inside the venue and the opening act was on stage.  The opening act was just a re-mix of the Bret Michaels Band without Bret.  It was sort of like shuffling the deck with an extra guitar here and there.  We walked down towards our seats which were phenomenal, thank you guys and jumped down into the orchestra pit just to say hello and ended up virtually never leaving that very spot.    Well of course with the exception to smoking, drinking and pissing, none of those were allowed in the pit.... well, okay, the drinking was, it is in the end, rock n roll right?  So here is where the night got special..... All throughout the show, Bret pulled different people from the crowd on to the stage to sing, play guitar or just dance and then would stop everything and auction some shit off.  The first thing he did was take the cowboy hat off of his head and got 4 grand from someone in the crowd.  Then he offered a deal to the highest bidder;  the deal was, whoever gave the biggest donation would be invited to his home with a few of their own guests, party up, ride quads, rock out and he was going to bbq and cook for everyone.  What ended up happening was quite amazing in-fact.  Rather than one high bid, he ended up with 3 bids of 20 grand and one for 15 grand, so being a smart guy and thinking of the organizations that the money was being raised for, he took all the bids, they all won and in one single shot, made 75 thousand dollars!  That night, the band arrived having made 100 grand while on the road for charity.  In one night here in Phoenix, they more than doubled all the money they had raised and it was incredible to be part of it!  I have no idea how much was raised downstairs and what the final total was, but it had to be HUGE!!!

We ran up top to smoke and while I went outside and did that, Diane got on line for the bar.  I walked back in and saw a few faces that I knew and then I saw this woman's face just light up.  "Your that guy" she shouted as she pointed at me!  So I shouted right back "yes, yes I am"!  I had no idea what guy I was supposed to be and then in a flash thought, what if she meant, that's the guy who robbed me, that's the guy who raped me, that's the guy who screwed that giraffe in my back yard..... but it was too late, I'd admitted it was me!  She told me that she was a friend of mine on facebook and that we had never met in person.  For the life of me, I can't remember what her name was, but if I had to take a stab in the dark, I'm going to go with Gabby!  Sure hope I got that right!  So I told her how nice it was to meet her and I meant it, I love to meet people that otherwise I'd only know from online.  She told me that she wanted to thank me.  Thank me?  Thank me for what?  As she began to explain why, I noticed that she had a fairly large scar on her throat and she must have noticed me, noticing it.  She said "that is what I want to thank you for".  "Really, I don't understand" I said.  She then proceeded to tell me the fight she had recently gone through with cancer and then told me something that will warm my heart forever.  She said that it was my writing, my stupid jokes and videos and the way that I was pissing people off during the election process to try and get them to delete me so that I could add new friends that helped get her through it all!  Can you imagine?  I've been blessed a few times to have been told that something I've done, said or written has affected people's lives in an incredible way and it brings me the most incredibly warm feelings down deep in my soul!  To think that something I've done has the ability to help someone else is hard to fathom especially with the level of people that I seem to have the magical ability to piss off!

Lately, I have not had the urge, the ability nor the attention span to actually sit down and write ANYTHING!  Not even short lil updates of what's been going on in our lives could I muster.  I've gotten so many messages asking if we were okay and where I'd gone off to now and why I stopped posting on here?  It took this wonderful women's comments last night to me to make me smile and actually sit down and write again.  Gabby, if I got that right, you've now inspired me again, so I must thank you!  I'll never forget the kind words that you shared with me last night just as I will never for as long as I live forget the day at The Broken Spoke when for the first time ever, someone quoted something that I had written, verbatim, right back to me.  I know that life can be brutal and unforgiving at times and I believe as I've said in the past, that I was put on this earth to help people and to bring smiles to people, no matter how far apart on a map we may be at the time.

I hope life has not been too hard on you guys, my friends.  The holidays are coming and I know for a great many of us, this is the most difficult time of the year.  I pray that for those who suffer most, those who are away from their families, especially our armed forces and all those who are just feeling down that we all get through this shit.  Hell, if all goes well, we will only have to make it until the 21st of this month anyway, then the whole world ends.....  so if you are really feeling awful, we have that to look forward to....

Until we see each other again on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Monday, October 29, 2012

Straight Up The Ass!

Yeah I know, that is one hell of a catchy title to this post and it covers so many possible meanings but how exactly was it meant for this post?  Hell if I know.....  I have been on a roller coaster once again with life, emotion, passion and interest!  So much has gone on in our lives since my last post here that I'm not even sure where to begin.  I'll be right back, I've actually got to go back and see what the last thing I even wrote about was and when, the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's been some time since I fired up the ol' laptop and opened up to you lunatics.

Ah yes, now I remember, Karma and the asshole in the Mercedes that thought running into a guy on a bike was so very much "not a big deal" that he just drove away after doing it!  I can't believe that night was nearly a month ago.  Well so much for me promising to try and post up on here more often, sorry!  I have been busy though so it's not like I've just been fucking off and not writing, I've been out living this nightmare so that I can eventually come back and either bring a smile to your face or piss in your corn flakes, how you take what I say is entirely up to you!

Prior to the night the Mercedes owner thought it would be awesome to add a Jack Shit hood ornament to his new car, I had once again begun to have serious trouble with my back and even more with my sciatic nerve.  So I guess the first use of Straight Up The Ass will refer to what it feels like for me right now.  I feel like Satan himself has drilled his burning, evil, spiked, flame shooting dick up my ass and for as much as I can remember it's going on a solid 5 weeks of this shit!  The pain and discomfort damn near disappears and you don't even notice it and the moment that you realize "wow, is it gone" it hits you again like being tazed!  There seems to be no rhyme nor reason for how or why, but what a pain in the ass, quite literally!  I've used each and every trick I've ever learned to make it ease up or go away.  I've tried every medication, opiate or homeopathic to no avail.  The crazy part of it all is that it is more comfortable for me to sit in the saddle of a bike than it is to sit in the leather seat of my car or couch!  It must have something to do with the devil's dick and what he left in my ass after the last time he banged it!

I had a busy month ahead of me with events in October, two of them were huge and I had to be not only on my game but I needed to perform at the very top of it and that meant simply, knuckle up bitch and act like a man!  I guess I'm a great actor, because I gave an Oscar worthy performance of smiling through the pain and dancing like a trained monkey for the last month.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about what I do by any stretch of the imagination, no matter what my condition, I love making people smile and for the last month it's been really painful to do that.  I thought that all my additional pain and the fact that I was totally exhausted for weeks was due to getting knocked around by that Mercedes and it made complete sense to me.  One night I was sitting on the couch and bit down into a peanut butter cup, nice and soft right?  Out of nowhere, the pain in my tooth shot straight up through my brain and in an instant, my left eye had water running down my cheek.  I jumped up off the couch and actually said out loud, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?!  I reached inside my mouth and touched my gums on the top left side of my mouth and there was massive swelling.  An infection?  Really?  After spending thousands of dollars in dental work from June through August to prevent exactly this from ever happening again, in the very spot they worked on?  MOTHER FUCKER!!!!  I was boiling mad.  Of course it was the weekend so I had to hold off until Monday for any medical attention.

So once again, this dentist has broken it off, well, STRAIGHT UP THE ASS!  At this point all I could hear were the voices of the great many who were kind enough to share all the horror stories of all of their relatives who died or had strokes and were paralyzed from tooth infections that had gotten out of control and here I was, once again, dealing with a massive infection.  At least I now had an answer to why I'd been so exhausted and why each area that I had previously had surgery on hurt so bad and felt so weak.  I'd be okay as long as I did not have a stroke before Monday at 2 pm.  The infection was so massive that you could actually see it on the x-ray!  The dentist just shook his head and for the umpteenth time in my life, I got to hear this very phrase from a doctor who fucked up, "unfortunately, sometimes these things happen."  Really?  Why does it only happen to me days before I am going out of state?  The infection was so severe and the swelling so bad that the post that they drilled into my root actually split the root because there was so much pressure in the pocket.  "Okay I asked, how do we fix that?"  "I'm not really sure, I don't think we can, this is not the optimal situation" this prick had the nerve to say to me.  NO FUCKING SHIT THIS IS NOT THE OPTIMAL SITUATION!  No wonder dentists have the highest suicide rates, they probably have to do it because they want to do it to themselves so that it is less painful than when insane mad patients come back and kill them!  So once again I was off to the pharmacy, once again going to start taking another "Z Pak" and once again waiting for the horrible pain and pressure in my chest to cause a stroke while I waited for this shit to start working.  As I began to put the first two pills in my mouth I thought to myself, "how can I not be immune to this shit yet?"

The weekend and both Doggtoberfest and Bikers For Boobies were rapidly approaching, back to back big events, neither of which I had performed at prior so I had no idea what to expect or worse yet, what was expected of me.  I got up early so that I could muster the energy to get there.  I could not have even a single drink to help make the pain ease up as I was on antibiotics and I was miserable.  I managed to make it through the first event, got home around 1 am and went right to bed.  I should say, crawled into bed I was so damn sore.  The next day, after sleeping less than two hours, I got up and headed over the HD dealer here in town for the kick off and start of the ride.  I was shot to hell and as soon as all of the riders left, I was going home to sleep for two hours before the arrival of more than 1000 bikes to the event.  When I saw the amount of people who showed up for this truly grass roots event I was not only stunned but the joy these folks had in helping somehow made the pain that much more bearable for me.  Knowing that I had back pain and that in no possible way could it ever compare to the cancer that the very people we were trying to help were dealing with, it somehow exited my mind and eased up.  For a brief while, I was a bit embarrassed limping around and moving slowly.  That all ended when I witnessed what was about to take place on stage before anyone else.  What I saw on the side of the stage were fireman, Marines, thugs and gangsters and they were each wearing a hand made bra and we were about to auction them off!  They put aside all their pride and in the true spirit of giving walked proudly up on to that stage and sold themselves!

 We thought that we would begin the bidding at 20 bucks each on the bras and hope to get maybe 50 bucks a piece for them and raise some much needed cash.  I became the live auctioneer and the crowd went apeshit!  I can't remember how many of these bras sold for $300 or more but I know most sold for at least $200, far more than anyone could have ever imagined.  As I had the last "model" exit the stage, the founder of the event, the current reigning Miss Arizona Bike Week, Shelley snuck up behind me and said, "lift up your shirt".  What?  "Lift up your damn shirt" she said.  Uhm, okay, but why?  "Because you ain't walking away from this unscathed" she answered.  Damn it, I should have seen this coming, Straight Up The Ass, but this time, I took it for a good cause.  So here ya go.  If you've ever wondered what your fat friend Jack Shit looks like wearing a custom Green Bay Packers bra in front of 1300 people, wonder no more!
Only by the grace of God himself was I far too chubby for that thing to clasp behind my back!  Needless to say, we got a shit ton of money for this one!  I just kept hearing my own words play over and over in my head, "there is never a wrong time to do the right thing", so I just rolled with it.  I guess this is payback for the hundreds of women over the years that I pulled from crowds and had them take their bras off!  The universe is a funny place!

By the end of the night I could barely stand much less walk, but oddly enough, even though I could hardly do the physical, it wasn't pain that kept me from doing it.  My pain level had dropped dramatically, it was just being a broken ass old man that had me moving so slow.  I believe that all the rip roaring laughter, the non stop smiling and having only an hour earlier given away a $50k bike that Paul Yaffe's bagger nation had done an amazing job customizing to a lucky winner from a raffle that had me so naturally high that most of my pain had left and only exhaustion remained, it was quite a feeling.  In the end, after all the expense of hosting a massive event such as this were covered, a check for $20,000 was given to Casting For Recovery!  I was both humbled and honored to have played part in this event.  In just four short years, this event has grown from a few people who gathered to go for a ride for a cause to a major annual event.  So don't ever say or think that you are only one person and you can't make a difference, because right here is the very proof that you can.  I had two days to rest and then I was off to Daytona Beach for Biketoberfest. That's plenty of time to make a full recovery right?  Apparently not!

On an important side note and one that makes me believe that the world is truly a good place I wanted to share this with you.  Tickets for the bike were sold all over the country and I got to pull the winner and we took the phone number from the ticket and Paul Yaffe called the winner right from the stage.  Unfortunately it went to his answering machine.  As it turns out, the reason the winner didn't answer was because he was at the hospital supporting his brother who had just begun receiving chemo therapy!   Now that is all that is good and right in this world!  I pray that he makes a speedy recovery!

I'll share how that all went down tomorrow, right now I can't sit here any longer because my friggin ass hurts too bad to sit!  God damned sciatic nerve!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Karma AIN'T always a bitch!

I'm sitting here on the couch writing this with every single muscle in my body wrenched and aching and I am thrilled about it!  Why would anyone be thrilled that every muscle in their body hurts you may ask?  The reason simply is because the muscles all hurt but the bones aren't all broken!  I still have both of my legs and I walked from my bed to my couch, slow as it was, I still walked there! 

Never again will I complain about my bad luck, nor will I ever ask about when will Karma rear it's head and make its presence known because last night, muscle memory, nearly 30 years of riding motorcycles and the skills that I've acquired from those years, Karma and what I would have to say was the HAND OF GOD all appeared in a split second!  I've been a lot of things and I've done a lot of things in this life of mine so far, but for the very first time, last night, I became the hood ornament of a Mercedes Benz, a very, very expensive Mercedes Benz!

Those of you who know me or follow my writing know that as much as I'm known for making people laugh, I'm known for being brutally honest.  When I tell you this story you are going to say, NO FUCKING WAY, and as I've relayed this story so far, I find myself saying NO FUCKING WAY, you must be mistaken, you must be exaggerating, you must be completely full of shit or you must just be plain and simple, out of your friggin mind Jack!  Had there not been 20 witnesses who re-played the events in their own minds and shared them with me, I myself would not believe the event that transpired last night.  The crazy part is that from no matter what angle it was witnessed, no matter what position they were in when they heard the crunching of bike and body parts or where they were in the pack, everyone has the same details.  I can say this though, you forget just how good it feels to be alive right up until that is nearly taken from you and then you cherish it!  So what happened?  Well I'll tell ya!

Even now, nearly 11 hours later as I type this, I find myself still shaking my head in total disbelief.  Just as it's been for the last few months, on the first Friday of each month, we meet up over at HD of Scottsdale and take a ride down to the Dirty Dogg Saloon in Scottsdale for what we call First Friday.  With each First Friday ride that passes, the number of riders and attendees grows as the heat decreases.  Last night was probably the most bikes that we left the store with, the most beautiful weather that we've had so far and a fantastic mix of riders, it was perfect, what could go wrong and this was only the start of the night.  Hell, we were only riding like 8 miles on a crystal clear night.  We left the dealership on the same route we take each and every single time and were just rolling down the road, side by side 20 or more of us.  We had a green light as we approached the intersection and when I say green, I mean a long green light, not a light that just changed to green.  We entered the intersection as the Mercedes rolled up to it only slowing enough to make the right turn without losing control but never did the driver even attempt to stop and being so very close to the car, never did he even turn his head to look to see if anyone was coming.  So we are rolling about 45 -50 mph, I just crossed the cross walk and I'm on the right hand edge of the road, riding the line of the shoulder and there is now a big ass Mercedes in front of me!  I MEAN RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!

By the grace of God, the rider next to me saw what was happening and shot over to the left.  I held my line as long as I could so as not to take out the bike but out of the corner of my eye, I could see that she had shot left and so did I!  When I tell you that I used every single muscle in my body to move that Road Glide left, I mean EVERY SINGLE MUSCLE.  I swear even my sphincter hurt and I may have squeezed so hard that I actually busted out a hemorrhoid and my eye sockets hurt.  I laid the bike over as far as I could left and we were in the intersection at the same time.  I knew in an instant that if I hit the brakes there would be no way on earth to stop the bike and it would change the rule of objects in motion tend to stay in motion and set the bike in to a wobble and I would have hit the car dead on, so instead, I kicked it down a gear, dumped the clutch and opened the throttle wide!  I managed to get even with the left front corner of the bumper and quarter panel when I felt and heard the crunch.  As the bumper came to meet the bike at the rear floor board I raised my leg up and over the front of the car and got near sideways in front of the car and I could feel myself getting pushed and damn near out of control but I never came off of the throttle and I managed to stay somehow even I guess in speed and direction of the car.  At no time ever, as the bikes behind us would later express did this asshole EVER touch his brakes even as he was pushing me through the second cross walk.  Maybe it was the fact that I never came off of the throttle, maybe it was the fact that I had the bars cut hard left or maybe it was the hand of God himself who gave me that little extra push that I needed but the bike stood straight back up and I got in front of the car with the bike in a full on wobble.  I spun around expecting to see the right side bag just obliterated or missing all together but it was there.  I looked down and expected to see my leg either hanging off or missing all together but it too was there.  I looked in to my mirror to see all the bikes sliding around both sides of the car and I could hear someone screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU" at the driver. 

My first instinct out in front of him was to raise my hand up, shake my fist and hold my middle finger up in the air.  All the bikes ended up out in front of the car, each flipping him off and I remained out front, shaking so hard that I thought the front end of the bike was wasted.  It took a few minutes to realize that I had my arms locked at the elbows and it was me who was shaking the front end.  I passed all the bikes who had shot over to the shoulder to hop off and help at the accident scene and just rolled ahead shaking my head in disbelief.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop shaking my head.  The next time I looked in the mirror, the Mercedes was gone!  I don't know if he made a U turn, if he made the next left or what he did, but that motherfucker was GONE!  As I rode to the bar at speeds from 5 - 50 mph and no rhyme or reason as to what speed I was currently traveling at, each rider rode up next to me, shaking their heads and making hand gestures with their fingers an inch or so apart, like fuck man, that was so close!  We arrived at the bar and my head was still shaking back and forth in total shock.  I got off the bike fully expecting to have to bungee closed what was left of my saddle bag and found no damage.  How the hell can that be?  I heard the crunch, other folks heard the crunch, WE ALL HEARD THE CRUNCH!  Upon closer inspection, the only marks on the bag were from end to end, all the road grime and dirt had been removed!  I could not even find a scratch in the paint.  I found some black marks on the air cleaner and the rear floorboard had been pushed up straight but that was it, how could that be?  Each time that I went outside the bar to smoke, I would see people gathered around the right side of the bike looking for the damage that I must have missed but they too only found the same things I did, virtually nothing.....


YES, REALLY, THIS IS ALL THAT HAPPENED!  A streak of unknown black shit on the air cleaner cover and the dirt removed on the saddle bag!  Madness, just plain madness!


As we screwed around in the bar for the next few hours, person after person walked up and just laughed and said, "how's it feel to be alive?"  "God had your back man" and "get your ass to church and then race over to the casino, now!"  All I knew was that I was alive and it felt amazing!  Every sense in my body was at full attention and although my back felt a bit strange and I was walking funny, I felt pretty damn good.  Well pretty damn good until my mass endorphin rush began to subside and with each passing minute that it did, I got more and more sore and more and more stiff!  I guess that I never got my leg fully over the bumper as I thought I did because now it hurt like a som-bitch!  My back muscles were so wrenched that I could barely raise my arms and my right arm at the elbow clicked with each movement!  I could not stand for more than a few minutes at a time and when I sat, it felt like lightning bolts were shooting from my right leg to my neck.  The real kicker was that I just didn't care, I was alive and I was in-tact!  For what I had just gone through that in and of itself was a miracle and I'll be forever grateful that my good Karma finally showed the hell up and paid off its long over due balance! 

My trip to Cali for the weekend is off and I could care less because I am alive to do it any time that I want!  I won't ever complain, you will never hear it or read it from me again about my shitty luck or wondering when Karma will appear.  We always think of Karma in the aspect of paybacks, you know, Karma will catch up to his ass and then he'll get what he deserves.  We never think of our good Karma, what we put out in the world and it coming back to us, but I'm thinking of it now!  Like I always say, live each and every single day to the fullest as we never know if it will be our last!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

..... and don't become a hood ornament on a Mercedes

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Dreams Come True Only If You Chase Them

Sweet 5 lb 8 oz Baby Jesus, what a night in Vegas!  Last night I got to live out a dream.  For someone like me, who does what I do, this was a highlight of my career and really, one of the highlights of my life.  Let me fill you in on what happened.  A whole bunch of you already know because you were here for it, but even those of you who were here, may not know what led up to this or how it even came to be.

We got to Vegas on Wednesday night, got our shit together and ran on down to Hogs where apparently everyone we know was down there and busting our balls to get there as soon as possible.  On the walk over, we ran into Jack and Terry, the owners of the Dirty Dogg Saloon in AZ.  You guys know this place, it is where I host events during Bike Week and such.  They are great guys and nothing but class.  I told them where we were heading and they too were on their way down.  We stood on the corner of Freemont Street and talked about how long it had been since Diane and I had been to Vegas.  I mentioned that I had the chance of a lifetime to perform here in March during Nascar but I had to be in Daytona to work The Spoke.  I told them how bummed out I was that I never got the chance to play Vegas.  I also mentioned that the comic that I was going to work with was performing this weekend while we are here and that they should check her out.  With that, we headed down to the bar.  About an hour or so after being there, I'm walking back to my table and I see Bag Lady Sue and ask her how it's going?  What she had planned and who she was performing with?  No one, it's just me was her answer.  I said oh hell, you should let me at least announce you and bring you up on stage.  She said better yet, why don't you perform with me.  You can open the show.  I said well I don't know about that, I haven't done stand up in 15 months.  You can go up, bring me up and if you feel good, do a few minutes, if you feel great do 10 or fuck man, just do whatever you want.  Shows are Thursday, Friday and Saturday.  So I said "fuck it, I'm in" and from that moment on, I've been a nervous wreck.  Thursday came and I said that I will work Friday and see how it goes but there is no way I'm doing 3 nights.

I wake up at 10 am on Friday, nervous as hell and can't stop thinking about what I've gotten myself into?  Diane then informs me, it hasn't been 15 months, it's more like 25, nearly 26 months since I've done any stand up..... well that makes me feel much better.....  so I spent the entire day, sleeping, shitting, sleeping, shitting.  I got out of bed just about 8pm last night, went down to the Canyon Club in the casino, met up with Bags, drank two Jager Bombs, grabbed a sharpie and piece of paper and at 8:25 wrote a show that I was now going to perform in half an hour.  I got on that stage with my hands shaking like a crack head needing a hit.  I mustered up a big ol', trademark, "WHAT'S UP MOTHER FUCKERS" and it was on like donkey kong!  My intro, turned into a few minutes that turned to 5, 10, 20 and closer to a 30 minute show and the audience went nuts.  I've got to admit, it felt really great to be back on stage doing stand up, that I use to love to do so very much.  It has re-ignited a fire in me.

Last night, for the first time ever, I PLAYED THE STAGE IN LAS VEGAS, a comedian's dream and you know what?  I FUCKING KILLED IT!  I just want to say thank you to all that came out to support me and the show.  I was stunned when I saw you all coming in!  I hope you guys had a blast.  So tell your friends, looks like we will be doing it again tonight, but just typing that makes my stomach turn and now I've got to go shit again!  So tell your friends, come down to the 4 Queens on Freemont Street in Vegas and laugh your troubles away, if only for a little escape from reality.

Until we see each other again on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

Friday, September 28, 2012

Vegas Bike Fest Bitches!

Well so far, Vegas has been an absolute blast.  We planned on leaving real early to beat the heat but Diane had to work all day and I could not even finish packing the bike until she got home.  First bump in the road.  Second bump, Phoenix rush hour traffic, 103 degrees going traffic light to traffic light.  The heat was frying us and all I could think about was the old drug ad, "this is your brain, this is your brain on a Harley in bumper to bumper traffic"!  Once we finally got moving, the stress of the day, the traffic and business peeled away with each passing mile and as the spectacular sun set behind the mountains, we were back to being ourselves.

I always keep my phone turned off when I take road trips to save the battery in case something happens.  With our original plan to arrive in Vegas by 1pm the latest, when I turned on the phone, it was filled with messages from fb, voice mail and texts from people who were worried about us and message after message about getting our asses down to Hogs!  It seemed that EVERYONE was at Hogs already.  It was like walking into a reunion as we got there.  It was nearly overwhelming, in each and every direction that we turned, there was someone that we hadn't seen in a real long time.  The fact that Diane was with me proved to many that she is not really a figment of my imagination.  It is so funny that people who have never met her, absolutely adore her because they have learned so much about her from my sharing so openly our lives with the world. 

 We finally decided to go inside the bar, get a drink and say hello to Ms. Michelle, el jeffe of Hogs!  The last thing Diane said as we left the hotel was, "grab my license, don't forget"....  well I forgot!  So as we stood at the door, exhausted from the trip, I handed the door man my i.d. and proceeded to tell him that I forgot Diane's.  I asked him, "hey man, I left hers in the room, can she still get in"?  I'm friends with Michelle, does that help?  He laughed and said, I only hear that 200 times a day.  So I told him that on the 201st, it was true.  Then I asked, does it help any that I work for Cycle Source and he said well hell yeah, that helps a lot!  With that, Michelle came screaming through the door, damn near knocking this wall of a man aside, wrapped her arms around me, then Diane and I looked at the door man and winked.... he laughed and said "201st times a charm"!  Since Wednesday, we've more or less spent all of our time that we've not been in bed, down at Hogs!  We did run down to Cashman Center to pick up our media passes and we were lucky enough to catch the Artistry In Iron show and the level of the bikes were incredible. 

I don't have any pics as I want to leave that as a surprise for you all in upcoming issues of EVERY major bike mag out there!  Stellar scoots, amazing people and an awesome spread of food for all left nothing to be desired, it was all TITS!  Then afterwards, you guessed it, straight back to Hogs!  I could go on and on, but I won't.  I just wanted to keep you guys up to date on our trip so far.

The big news that has come out of this trip is my return to STAND UP COMEDY.  It's been nearly 15 months since I've performed straight stand up and I have to say, I'm nervous as hell and wonder how I get myself into this shit?  So tonight, at the 4 Queens Casino on Freemont Street, the Real Vegas to me, Bag Lady Sue and I will take to the Stage at 9 pm.  If you are in town, c'mon down, if your friends are here, let them no.  I've not really had any time to let people know this was going on!  Wish me luck!

Until we see each other again on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit