It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!



Thursday, December 27, 2012

All Great Runs Must End!

Every day in life we are forced to make decisions, some simple and some truly epic, many of which we don't even realize we are making, they just become second nature for your mind to make them on its own.  Other decisions can be monumental and the choice you make will have tremendous effect on the lives of all those around you.  Just as they say that dropping a pebble in the ocean in Australia can cause a tsunami in Hawaii, I believe this theory.  Every thing we do, whether we like it or not has a direct effect on those that surround us.  In my 44 years I've made some of the best decisions that a human being could possibly have made and on the flip side of that coin I've made some of the worst as well.  I won't get into listing all the good and I'm sure as hell not going to list ANY of the bad!  If you know me, then you probably have a good idea of what these were and if you know me well enough, you probably had a hand in helping me to make those bad decisions!  A single choice we make 10 - 20- 30 years ago that seemed so insignificant at the time can lead to catastrophic results later on down the line.  This is why now, as I grow fatter with each passing day and not giving a great flying fuck about the next for so very long, I choose to make a decision that will hopefully bring me many "next days" for a long, long time.  I've lived my life at throttle wide open, scraping a knee in turns, balls to the wall and one foot in the grave for the better part of my life.  It seemed the more dangerous the activity, the stronger my attraction was to it.  The sole fact that there was really no way to determine exactly what the outcome of a decision would be pushed me faster towards making that decision with a devil may care attitude.  The problem with running with one foot in the grave is that eventually you slow down a bit and realize that you no longer have one foot in the grave but you've sank all the way to the knee or even mid thigh and the thrill of it all begins to take a back seat to the reality of it all and better yet, THE GRAVITY of it all.

A month or so ago, those of you who are friends with me on face book or those of you who subscribe may remember me making a post asking about Chantix and asking people to offer up their first hand experiences with it.  That post quite possibly may be the most commented on post that I've ever put up and the response was an overwhelmingly bad one at that!  The stories that I read and the comments that were posted were enough to scare the living shit out of me and I don't scare off often nor easy!  I realized that if I wanted to quit smoking I was going to have to do it on my own and I would begin by cutting down and then walking away from it all once and for all!  Well I have cut down but you know what?  That insignificant decision that I made 30 years ago when that friend said try this and I did may be coming back to haunt me.  I also realized that nicotine patches are not only expensive but a total crock of shit.....   I could have stuck them to my eyeballs and not felt a damn thing.  I also realized that I don't have the willpower that I once had and that 30 year habit was quite a bit stronger than I had ever imagined.  The funny thing is that it is not for me as much about the smoke as it is the smoking.  Does that make sense to anyone?  Get in the car, light a smoke.  Finish eating, light a smoke.  Wrap up some sweet, sweet love making, light a smoke.  Wrap up some awful love making ( my fault of course) and you guessed it, light up a smoke!!!!  The time has come and I realized that I could not do it on my own and I don't have ten years of trying to quit, quitting and then starting right back up again and repeating this shit over and over.  I HAVE TO GET A HOLD OF THIS NOW AND DO IT RIGHT and pay the price and hopefully, I won't have all the awful reactions and side effects that everyone told me about.  I filled my prescription for Chantix and today, I took my first dose!

What I decided to do was document this process and hope that it gives me strength to push through and stay clean if you will.  If I don't cut these fucking things out of my life, I may not have a life anyway!  I'm not ready to go anywhere so my decision has been made.  I just hope Diane doesn't kill me in the process.  So what I'm going to do is right here and right now create "THE CHANTIX DIARIES" and keep track of what happens to me while taking it and share it with you all and hope that maybe if it goes well for me, then it may help one of you to quit.  If it goes bad for me, I'll know just when it happened and if it goes really, really bad for me, perhaps I can at the very least use the Diaries as part of my defense!  So look forward to the one thing that you will always get from me without fail, brutal honesty!  No matter what happens, good, bad, success or failure, you will know it and you will share that shit with me!

So let's begin;

Dear Chantix Diary, someone told me that when you take YOU, there is a chance that it will upset the stomach.  Today with my first dose, which I cut in half by the way hoping to build up slowly in my system before going full on into Chantix insanity, I began to experience a bit of pressure in my belly.  As I sat on the couch, lap top open and on, I could feel a less than comfortable sensation and it would rise and fall like a roller coaster.  I had to go with Diane to our nieces town home to drop off some material for her construction that is going on that Diane could not carry herself.  While carrying in the box of tile I felt that roller coaster climbing to the top again.  Once I carried in the vanity top, I began to feel that coaster racing down hill and into its first loop!  Diane had gone up stairs to check on the bathroom.  Now understand, the place is empty except for material and tools and when I tell you there was nothing to deaden the sound I mean there was nothing to deaden the sound!  I let out what quite possibly be the most powerful, longest lasting, strangest sounding fart of my life!  Now we have a running joke around here that my farts don't smell, my feet don't smell and even after working outside in the AZ desert heat and not showering, I DON'T SMELL but God made up for it by giving me a child size penis!!!  Oh well, at least I don't stink right?  I've got that to be thankful for right?  Well let's just say I use to have that to be thankful for!  Not only in what seemed to be a split second after the actual rocket propelled fart ended and my anus began to feel like someone had jammed the neck of a broken bottle straight up my ass from my sphincter vibrating so hard did I realize that in all my life, all the food that I've eaten, all the partying that I've done, I've never in my life had a fart smell like this!!!  The smell filled the entire first floor of a town home instantly!  The place was engulfed!  It was as if the enemy had just released chemical weapons upon us!  I was both ashamed and oddly proud in that moment!  Diane came down the steps and said "holy shit, was that you or is there a dead hooker in the closet"?  I said "yes, it was me and no dead hooker in the closet, I think there is one in my ass"!  Now I have not farted again since this relationship changing fart and for that I am grateful but one has to wonder, if this was half the dosage on the very first day, only hours after taking the first dose, what the hell do I have in store for me?

So that was it, my first Chantix Diary post.  I don't know what making this decision will bring to me or what effect it will have but whatever it will be, it will be right here on this silly friggin blog!  The reason that I used the photo at the top of this post was because I'm hoping it will be the last drawing, photo or video ever taken of me with a smoke in my hand!  Wish me luck!  Thank you Ms. Pinky Pancake from Sacred Skin Tattoo for the drawing, I love it!

Until we see each other on the road again;

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back and
The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Stuck at home on Christmas with The Shits!

What happens when you are stuck at home with The Shits on Christmas?  What happens when
George the Painter comes down on Christmas and fills his pipe?  Ideas like this!  Merry Christmas
everyone!  Here is a message from Diane, a message of thanks and a poem of joy!

GTP LIGHTS OUR FIRE!

video
It's the very first time that we remember the most, isn't that what everyone always says?  You never forget your first?  Do you remember some of these milestones in your life?  The first time a chick fell for the "I'll just put the tip in" line or the first time you tried with all your heart and soul to walk in the house shit faced drunk and convince your parents that someone must have dosed you because you would never drink or the first time that your girl leaned over while you were driving and put her head in your lap or the first time you were out deep in the woods in the dead of winter at keg party and your girl and her best friend get in an argument over who gives the best head and decide that this debate must be settled right there and then?  The first time you were released from the back of a police car and the cop said, "now get the fuck out of here or next time I catch you, I'LL CALL YOUR FATHER", the first time you got the front wheel up on a motorcycle and you rode that shit out and didn't crash your buddies bike doing it or the first time you took a chance, went for it and didn't hear, WRONG HOLE, WRONG HOLE, WRONG HOLE!!!!  Ah yes, so now we are on the same page of those special times we all hold so dear in our hearts and in our memory!

Tonight was one of those special nights I won't soon forget!  It's Christmas time and I have to admit coming into the season, I was one miserable ass som bitch!  Somehow we managed to salvage the holiday and it actually turned out pretty decent.  On Christmas day, George the Painter jumped on his Leaky Latowski and rode down the mountain from Payson to come join us in our celebration of the birth of Baby Jesus.... or perhaps he took the ride because he was going bat shit crazy up there all by himself, we may never actually know the truth!  Since we were in the spirit of the day, we decided to make one of Diane's wishes come true.  We've lived in our house now for 3 years and one of the reasons we chose this house was the fact the home had two gorgeous fireplaces!  Oh the fantasies that those things inspired in us.... well 3 years have gone by and till this day, we've never lit the fireplace in our bed room or in our family room.  Well wish no more!  Today I sent GTP up on to the roof like god damned Spiderman to unblock the flue while all the neighbors wondered who that skinny prick was on my roof yelling down, it looks clear to me, but it has a bend in it!!!  Shine the flashlight up the hole!  Oh yeah, I don't think my heavily Mormon populated hood had any idea what hit them!  They must have thought the biker scum were filming another dirty movie at the house on the corner!  So we did it, we lit the fireplace for the first time ever and Diane has a big ass happy smile on her face!

If I would have had any idea that if you do what she wants and things that make her happy, she busts my balls a whole lot less and I GET REWARDED!!!  That video WILL NOT follow!

Until we see each other on the road again;

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

It's better to give than receive, ANAL that is!

For many, these days, the happiest time of the year is actually a living hell!  The pain of loss seems to hurt ten fold when that loss happens during the holidays!  I've gotten a whole bunch of messages lately from people asking if I would be kind enough to write to someone who is really down or has experienced a loss, someone who is trying to recover from a bike or car wreck or soldiers who are away still fighting to bring freedom to a bunch of people who try to blow them up just for doing it.  I also get asked to make phone calls or visit folks in the hospital and to be quite frank, it is the most humbling experience of my life to think that something that I can do or say can help another while they are at the lowest times in their lives and that simply put, blows my fucking mind!!!!  So I say thank you all for following my silly life and for sending so much love and good wishes when Diane is not feeling well.  You may not know it, but you guys do for Diane and myself with your messages and calls what I try to do for others and as I sit here on Christmas day, I realize that no matter how bad shit may seem, we are all blessed to share in each others lives and I'll be eternally grateful for it!

I myself am feeling a little bit bummed out today.  We had big plans to spend our Christmas helping others in need and volunteering at a soup kitchen or a shelter, a VA hospital or any place that would have us.  As it turns out, Christmas day is the ONE DAY A YEAR that these places don't need anyone! I thought that it would have been the exact opposite.  I thought it would be the one day a year when these places would be desperate for help.  I guess you live and you learn.  We had to fill out applications to volunteer, can you imagine?  "What experience do you have ladling soup into a bowl" kind of questions, are you fucking kidding me?  So through a friend, we found out that at the Phoenix Convention Center, they host thousands of homeless, feed them, get them cleaned up, get them warm jackets, cut their hair, give them cell phones so that they may call people that perhaps they have not spoken to in years and a whole assortment of other great services and we were so excited to be part of it.  They turn no volunteers away and always have room for more!  To give you an idea of the scope of it, last year they gave 3 thousand hair cuts on Christmas day, incredible!  We were up all night as Diane was not feeling well and planned to still get up around 7 to get ready and head out.  I tried for 2 hours to wake Diane up and damn near got hardly a grunt out of her.  I waited until 10am and tried again.  When I finally got her coherent enough to answer me, I knew right then and there that our volunteering mission for the day was shot to hell!  Christmas day and Diane can barely get out of bed.  As I write this, it is nearly 4 pm and she still lays there feeling awful and it breaks my heart!  They say that when it is not the holidays is the time that these places need the volunteers so we will do our part another time and as often as we can, so I'll get over it, but I still feel really sad that on a day that we should be celebrating Diane feels horrible!  If I could have only one Christmas wish, I would wish that I could turn the tables and flip her suffering on to me and that she could wake each day and never have to worry about the pain that she lives with!

On a positive note, I have to mention the obvious, today is the 25th and if you are reading this, THE WORLD DID NOT COME TO AN END on the 21st!  What a crock of shit that was.  Since I am a fan of Ancient Aliens on the history channel I still have a small part of me that things perhaps the 21st was just day one of the beginning of the end!  I guess we will have to watch, wait and see.  It is clear that the world is not exactly becoming a "better place"!

2012 was my very best rally season since I got back into "the scene" instead of just doing stand up and I loved each and every grueling minute of it!  2013 is shaping up so far to absolutely blow the previous year out of the water!  I have many gigs planned all over the country and I have the great honor to once again be the host of all the madness at the Legendary Broken Spoke Saloon and this year is the 25th anniversary of this incredible place and it proudly still holds the title as THE WORLDS BIGGEST BIKER BAR!  We have added what we call pop up rallies to our schedule so for those of you who send me messages or comment on pics that we post up about how bummed out they are that they can't make it to the "major" rallies and never get to attend a party at the Broken Spoke well keep your fingers crossed because we may be bringing a Broken Spoke to a town near you soon enough!  I also just booked a major event on the east coast and I'll be dropping that news shortly.  I want to thank you all for your incredible support in 2012 and I give you my word that YOU AIN'T SEEN SHIT YET!  2013 is shaping up to be huge and when the time is right and if what we have planned comes to fruition, you folks are going to plain and simple, lose your fucking minds!

I hope and pray that each and every single one of you had your Christmas wish come true.  Along those lines, may this upcoming new year bring you each nothing but health, happiness and prosperity.  We've all been through far too much awful, ugly shit over these past few years and it is time to put it all behind us and push forward.  Find something that you truly believe in and make a stand!  Find something or someone you love and love it like never before!  Do something that you have always dreamed of and do it well!  Take chances, ride hard and ride fast, life is far too short to live it while riding in the slow lane!  Never give up hope because anything worth having is worth fighting for.  Nobody is just going to hand it over to you, nobody is going to wrap it up and leave it on your doorstep, you can't wait for the auction to end on Ebay to buy your dream, you have got to go out and CHASE THAT SHIT DOWN!  I need to follow my own advice sometimes too.  It's easy to put this shit out there and just as easy to not live it as well.  The one thing I am sure of is that there are major changes that need to take place in my life and they need to take place quickly!  I'm not one for making New Year's Resolutions because I never, ever had any intention of living up to them, so I won't call this a resolution but more of a mission statement!  It is time for your ol' pal Jack Shit to get his life in order, get back into shape so that I can be around long enough to make our dreams come true and if I die trying or chasing them, then so be it, what a way to go!  We must strive to thrive..... or is it the other way around?

Until we see each other on the road again, I'd like to wish you all the Hap, Hap, Happiest Christmas you've ever had!

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit