It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Lock up you daughters and lock up your wives

Get on those bad motor scooters and ride for you lives! 

ARIZONA BIKE WEEK IS UPON US!  Blow the dust off of those scooters and get your asses down to the Dirty Dogg Saloon!  Starting tomorrow, we are kicking off AZ Bike Week like never before. 
We are kicking this party off with a little get together over at Knockout in Mesa for a few hours and then we are going to line up them there choppers and do a group ride out to the Dirty Dogg Saloon for an afternoon and evening of God only knows what?  For those of you who are concerned about the "God only knows what" factor of the event, you need not!  I am not only a comic and the Host, but I am also an Ordained Minister and will be giving out group forgiveness and a blanket of "it's all good".... So feel free to Sin Away, Rev. Jack Shit has got you covered.  On Sunday, we are supporting the Wildlife run, this is amazing you may want to go on facebook and check it out under my events, what a great cause that is supported solely on donation and events like this.  All costs come out of a fellow riders pocket, no govt. intervention here, she stands alone to pull this off and help these wild animals survive and get back to nature where they belong!  For every bit of Sunshine, a lil rain must fall right?  Isn't that what they say?  Well for the last few days, it is fucking pouring down on your old friend Jack Shit.  Three nights ago, I went to bed at around 1am after a day of getting my house ready for guests for this week and helping Charlie the Nomad move a drill press and a bike from a trailer.  I was awoken in the middle of the night with "take your breath away pain"!  I got up to take my buddy Adam to the airport for his grandma's funeral and I could barely walk.  Now we are three days later and I can barely stand or step down on it..... WTF?
Here is our schedule for the week!  You guys make sure that you get your asses down to the Dogg and visit us.  We have so much planned for you guys that you are never going to forget it!  Bring your girls, bring your muscles and get ready to dance on some poles.  Let's not forget the Dirty Dogg's Bartenders who put on a show like you have never, ever seen!  Bean're has entertainment planned for you that will stick in your brain forever.  Is that a good thing or bad, it will be up to you to determine! 

So here is the deal folks, now you know where we are going to be, what we are going to be up to and when it's going down so I FULLY EXPECT TO SEE YOU THERE!  We have so many confirmed RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE COMING that this is where all the cool kids will be hanging out.  We have some special guests planned, some celeb bikers and .................. well, I'm not going to spoil this shit for ya,  See you at the Dogg, everyone ride safe, but ride hard.  Until we see each other at the Dirty Dogg Saloon for AZ Bike Week,


Your friend,
Jack Shit

Monday, March 21, 2011

You would never catch me doing this!

So if you read the blog I posted about the Dice Magazine Party that was hosted by none other than Foundry Moto on Saturday night, than you will remember reading about the crew they brought in to play with fire! Here is a short one minute video of one of these maniacs at work! Once again, amazing party Foundry! Everyone is still talking about it, you guys crushed that shit! I have so many videos for once. I have much more in the way of video clips than I do stills, so I think I will make one big video with them and then post it up to give you a feel for the entire event but none of it will do this party any justice at all!



I guess it started about ten days or so ago. My dear friend Bean're, the world famous Gypsy Biker, the Mayor of Fun ran in to a bit of trouble. I am not sure what caused it, how it began or even when. Was it caused by some horrid, toxic, poisonous creature from the desert or perhaps caused by some horrid, toxic, poisonous creature from a bike rally years ago? I guess one may never know. It began as a tiny little bump much like a pimple would. As any red blooded American male, Bean took to giving it a good squeeze and got a tiny lil pop. Nothing like you would expect from a zit of this quality. So like every single one of us would do, he took to REALLY working that bitch! Like an Amish Milkmaid, he worked from sun up to sun down on this "alleged zit" but to no avail. Not one single drop of that magical pimple puss? Confusion set in? What the hell is this? As a few days passed and not even one single re-pop, that tiny little pimple began to grow to no bullshit, the size of a key lime under his skin on the front of the bicep. Which for the record really gave him a nice peak when he flexed, almost like Popeye. Anyway, it really began to look scary and I offered to take him to my house and perform surgery on it. Hell, I've seen it done before, how hard could it be? I have rubber gloves I use to clean up dog shit, I have a razor blade, that's like a scalpel, I had some goggles for when it burst, I WAS READY TO OPERATE! I even offered to put a used syringe in that bitch and try and suck it dry. I must admit that I was both shocked and disappointed when he turned me down on my offer.

Well Bean decided it was best to get to the hospital of course against my better judgement. He went and sure as hell there was no fluid, no puss, no nothing to get out of the damn thing. Turns out that it was an infection that there is no way to tell how it started. Let me say this to any of you ladies who are reading this, it's okay, it's not contagious and it is in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM an STD... so hold on to your places in line! Your turn will come. Anyway, they gave Brother Bean some knock anything dead meds and instructions on how to take care of it. Bean followed the doctors instructions to the letter and did exactly what they said to do. Now another week has passed and not only has it not gone away, or gotten even the least bit better, it in fact, in my opinion looks much worse. Being the intelligent guy that he is, Bean're went on line, opened up Web MD and checked to see what Web MD suggested he do. First and foremost, make sure the area is clean and then immediately DRESS THE WOUND to the best of your ability. I think he did a phenomenal job in dressing the wound! I only hope that Bean're is around if something ever happens to me and is there to dress my wounds as well as he did his own. If I didn't know better, I would have thought for sure that while in the Marine Corp, he would have been a field medic or something. I will leave it up to you to decide on how good a job he did. Like Web MD said to do, Bean're immediately DRESSED THE WOUND. I was lucky enough to be there to capture it on video. I also took a ton of still photos as well, but I can't post them in this same blog, it won't let me!

Foundry Moto is BACK and bigger and better than ever!

It was like coming home!  That's all I kept saying Saturday night and it's all I kept hearing!  When I heard the news that Foundry Moto was hosting Dice Magazine at a party at the shop I felt, I must admit, as excited as I was the first time I ever walked through the door in to a Titty Bar!  Let me tell you, that was pretty damn excited!  I had even entertained the thought of cleaning up the Knuckle for such a special occasion.  That thought came and went quickly as I am sure you will notice in some of the pics.  Electricity was in the air and it was hours before we even left to roll on up there.  I kicked that knuck to life and rode the brutal distance of 8 doors away and picked up the one and only Charlie the Nomad.  We were going to scoot on over to Snottsdale, grab Keith Cole, Worm and his brother and then shoot over to F-Bomb's new shop.  If you have ever ridden in or around Scottsdale Az, you know the law can be pretty heavy handed when it comes to dealing with hooligans such as ourselves on death trap motorcycles.  As we crested the hill that splits the mountains at Papago park, the entire city of Phx unveils itself just as the sun was setting, it was a gorgeous sight!  The other point I should make is that is just about the exact spot that it turns from Scottsdale in to Phoenix, where the road goes from 2 lanes to 3 and where the speed limit goes from 35 to 45.  At the very moment that we crested that hill, all six bikes split lanes in all directions and all I could think of was, "AND THE MADNESS BEGINS"!  Holy shit was I right on the nose.  I hit 85 trying to catch these maniacs, on stroked out big inch evo's and bear bone rigid sporty chops and those fuckers FLY!  Don't worry, I CAUGHT EM!  Next stop, the Melrose historic district and pick up brother Bomb!  We hung out for a few, checked out the new shop and we waited for Bean're who was the only one of us with a lick of sense who didn't blow through the city, splitting lanes the entire way.  We got a call, he had stopped to help someone on the side of the road on a chop.  We were going so damn fast we never even saw the guy!  Turns out, he was already up at Foundry.  I guess the saying is true, slow and steady wins the race.  That son of a bitch beat us there!

I ended up leading the pack on that ole knuck of mine while being chased down not only by these maniacs on rigid sporties but by two of the best riders I have ever seen and they were atop their STAMPEDE bikes!  As I crossed the final intersection of Glendale and 27th my excitement nearly bubbled over.  Especially as I hit a pot hole on my rigid sprung knuck that seemed big enough to swallow a Ford Escort!  My bars felt like they went tank slap to tank slap and as I rode through thought, wow, that would have really sucked and I better remember that thing is there for the next time!  As we rolled on up, THE BIG ROLLING GATE opened and we rode on in.  The place was jam packed, asses to elbows!  Now if you have never been there, Foundry Moto is hard to describe but I will try.  Imagine a tiki bar built for GIANTS!  Everything is lit with torches and the fire danced across all the old iron and shiny new chrome.  You have to ride through a crowd packed in so tight that all you can think of is, don't let me hit any other bikes and please don't let me roll over that patch holder's foot.  There was virtually not a spot to be had to park one bike, much less six.  But here's the thing, I know the lay of the land there and I felt as if I had pulled in to my own driveway.  I lead the pack right through the crowd and the center of main building and parked right between the two main doors right at my favorite palm trees.  One of my favorite things about Foundry's place is the palm trees.  They are all carved in to TIKI GODS and the trees are all still alive.  It's an amazing sight!  We all slipped in tight and the two of us who could not were escorted to even better spots, yeah man, I was home! 

There is one thing that I must admit with total honesty.  I swear that there is no feeling like foot clutching your way through a packed crowd on a 47' Knucklehead.  Everyone turns there head because at first they just hear it and then they see my baby Koko!  She makes quite an entrance and I swear I get about an inch or so added to my junk when it happens.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying wow, look at everyone looking at me, I know damn well, they are only looking at her and I am okay with that, she deserves all the love and respect she gets, she has earned it!  I could not get off that bike fast enough.  As we rolled in there were so many faces that I had never before seen, but man oh man, there they were, so many that I hadn't seen in ages.  For a while there about 2 years ago, Foundry was THE place to be and to be there often.  Not only had they not missed a beat but this shit was bigger and better than ever.  Every direction that I turned in was another friend coming over to say "what's up brother" and not one of them didn't have a huge fuckin smile across their lips.  In that moment, 2 years had not passed since we partied there last, it seemed more like 2 weeks.  We picked up exactly where we left off, or so I thought.  Although things seemed exactly the same they felt totally new and fresh.  The vibe in the air was pure!  I dismounted, said hello to friends and stepped in to the building.  Normally it would be filled to the gills with choppers and only choppers, split in the center by a kick ass hand made copper topped bar and a band over in the corner.  I walked in looked around and was blown away.  The first thing I saw of course was a sick Knucklehead and then two of the baddest SS Impala Low Riders I have ever seen in my life.

You can click on any pic in this post and it will blow up to full size and I suggest you do it, because this shit is worth a bigger better look!  This party was rocking and it had hardly even gotten under way.  About a month or so, my friend Danny G from Foundry had put up a post with a pic and it said, "the half pipe is done".  I remember looking at the pic and thinking God damn, it looks like it takes up half the property.  I was wrong, it only takes up a quarter of the property or should I say a quarter of the acreage!  One of the nicest half pipes I have seen in a long long time!  It was as if there were separate parties going on and all you had to do was cross over an imaginary line and as you did, the music from one slipped right in to the music from the other.  I would bet no less than 50 people dropped in on their decks all night long!  Each showing nothing but respect to each other.  So now my mind starts to wonder, call it shell shock from being around this lifestyle so long, this ain't going to be good.  All these young bucks mixed in with all us old fucks!  I could not have been more wrong!  Not one fight, argument or so much as a cross eyed look across the lot.  THIS WAS UNBELIEVABLE to me.  Like I said, the vibe was just plain PURE!  I bounced from party to party all night long.  Stopping along the way to share a laugh, a drink or a hug with friends old and new.

Too bad I could not fit the entire half pipe in this photo, it was huge!  I understand that Danny G was responsible for this and he deserves mad props for pulling this off, Danny, you fuckin rock my friend.  I had honestly thought about borrowing a deck and saying to hell with it and dropping in.  Common sense reared it's head thank God and I did not.  Worm on the other hand, separated shoulder and recovering from getting side swiped by a jeep at high speed on his bike apparently has no common sense because that crazy bastard did, twice!
I caught this just before testosterone took over for common sense.  This is shortly after Worm took me over to the back corner of the property for a "circle, pep talk"....  It worked better for him.  After our talk, all I could do was stare at the moon, which of course was closer to the earth EVER as I was told last night.

 For once I have more video than stills and I wish I knew how to drop them in here now because you guys would love them.  I could see a big circle forming and people being pushed back and thought, finally, a good ol' American fight!  Well what would you think with all these DIRTBAGS together in one spot?  Since the circle had formed right next to my bike I thought wow, I hope it's a fight and my bike isn't on fire.  As I walked over I thought ah, you're being stupid, that is until I saw them coming over with fire extinguishers..... needless to say, my pace picked up a bit.  Well, my bike was not on fire, but all kinds of shit was!  There was going to be a display, a performance of fire dancing, no big deal, seen that shit before.  Well again, I could not have been more wrong.  These fuckers had chains with flaming maces, metal bars with flaming balls that they spun around with their necks and yes, the first time I have ever seen it, a chick doing the hula hoop... big deal right?  Oh yeah, did I mention that the hula hoop was on FIRE?
Although I love huge parties and love being in the middle of it all, this mad display of fire dancing pulled so many people over to watch it, that I felt claustrophobic, so I hopped off the seat of my knuck and went for a walk.  There were still parts of the shop that I hadn't visited in over a year.  I wanted to see what else had changed.  Man am I glad I did.  They have what you would consider a fair sized "retail" area where they always displayed their many trophies and sold t shirts and kept a huge albino snake and I hadn't been in there since the last time I slept there and piled up all my shit and was awoken with the question, "JACK, DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE SNAKE WENT"?  Let me say this, it was the fastest I had ever awoken and was on my feet in my life!  The retail shop was gone and what they had now on display was nothing shy of spectacular.  Three of the baddest bikes to ever hit the road were on display in there.  That knuck on the top of this post was one of them and the details on that back were like none that I have ever seen.  Rudy blows my mind each and every single time he finishes one of these, what I consider TIME MACHINES!  Just amazing.  The fire show had ended, the crowd went back to where they had been partying before and we just got back to the business of BEING BROTHERS again.  For the first time ever, other than just a hey what's up and how are you, I got to sit down and bullshit with the one and only Slim!  If you don't know who this guy is or what he does, you MUST google his ass and find him, Slim's Fabrications is the company.  Slim, if I got that wrong, forgive me please.  This guy builds shit that not only could I never build, but he builds shit that I could have never even thought of! 

Right now all I can say to you guys is that I am so sorry that I did not take more pics.  I was so busy being happy that I forgot most of the time that I even had my camera on me.  On this night, there was nothing but an amazing moon, incredible hosts, a mind blowing venue to host it all and some of the sickest bikes you have ever seen.  Nothing could be better about this night.  Not one single problem!  Well that is until I walked over to where I had left my crew sitting and as I approached, they were all heading my way with a little extra zeal in their collective steps.  I thought that a pit bull with aids was on the loose by the way that every one on that side of the property, from the entrance gate to the porta pisser was heading my way and quickly.  Being the idiot that I am of course, I had to walk right past them to see why everyone was going the other way.  All you could see, for as far as you could possibly see were red and blue flashing lights.  I said earlier in a face book post, I would have hated to be the cop in the last car to arrive because it had to be a five minute walk from where he had stopped his car to the front of the line of Police vehicles!  So suddenly, I find myself the only one standing smack dead in the middle of the black top lot, not one person around me and I thought for a moment that God was there to take me.  I was bathed in the brightest, whitest light I had ever seen!  Turns out, God was not there to take me, nor was it the light from the moon, it was the massive spot light from the Phx Police Helicopter and it was pointed right on me.... again, here is another spot where I have no photo, but I do have some great video.... 

So now what you have is a party that got a bit loud!  It went I am sure a bit longer with the noise than would be allowed, okay, we'll quiet down, seems like a reasonable response to the police.  YOU WOULD THINK RIGHT?  Wrong!  I have to say right here and now, that had they entered the property all the peace and PURE vibe that had been there all night would have instantly shot to hell and the Foundry Crew knew this.  They stood shoulder to shoulder and would not allow those cops on to the property!  Balls of steel boys, balls of steel!  So here you have a few hundred people who have been drinking and they want everyone to leave?  I guess the cities coffers needed a few more coins because I can only imagine the DUI tickets they would have gladly written.  An ultimatum was given and it was by far one of the most ignorant things I had ever heard.  Everyone, must go inside the building and then the doors must be closed.  So they took a simple noise complaint and turned it in to one of the biggest fire hazards I have ever seen.  Remember the Great White Concert in Long Island?  Had a fire broken out, hundreds of people could have been hurt or died!  TO PROTECT AND SERVE MY ASS!  That was it, the line was drawn in the sand!  My officers will not leave until we see everyone inside and the doors closed!  Out of respect for our hosts, everyone went inside the building where for the inconvenience, now became a come and get it, free open bar.  Like I said, these guys at Foundry Moto are nothing but class.

There was no way that I could be packed in like that, so I pulled my rolled up leather off my scoot, threw it on the ground and lay down next to my sweet Koko Knuck.  A short while later, Worm and Nomad were splitting, it was my chance to bounce as well, strength in numbers right?  I got my shit together in a hurry and kicked the ol' girl to life and we rolled on out, fully expecting to be stopped and cavity searched on the next corner.  Luckily, we were not!  We made it off of the surface streets, it that freeway balls out and got the holy hell out of Dodge!  The evening could not have ended more perfectly than to be barrel assing down the freeway at 1:30 in the morning with great friends and having that freeway damn near to yourself!  I would say that is all to the night, but it was not.  Tomorrow, I'll post the story and the video to go with it about our last stop of the evening at Taco Hell!

I'll say this, Big Chris, Rudy, Matt, Robbie, Danny G and everyone else that I just missed from Foundry Moto, you guys are the epitome of class.  Thank you for treating me so very well when I got there and right up until the moment I kicked over my bike to split!  I can't think of anyone here in Arizona that throws a party like you guys do!  Let's do it again real soon, please don't let it be so long between these gatherings of some of the finest people on earth!  I'll see you on the road soon and again, thank you so very much for putting a Long Ass Overdue Smile on this dirtbag biker's face!  Again, I only wish I had taken more still shots to share with you guys.  If you don't know who Foundry Moto is, then you best Google that shit or something and learn quick, because if these guys are not in your life, YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR LIFE! 

Till we see each other on the road, I am your friend, Jack Shit and please, till that time comes again;

Sunday, March 20, 2011

A woodpecker using his pecker!

How much wood could a woodpecker peck, if a woodpecker would peck another woodpecker!

So since I was feeling a bit better, I had to get out and pull some weeds. Right before I got sick I noticed a few tiny weeds pop in front of the house. After I got sick we had some rain, it lasted about 4 minutes. Fast forward 8 days and they were mid thigh high! I am still completely amazed that anything could grow in the desert, much less thrive. I am still shocked that anything could survive! I am so out of shape that from bending over and standing, bending over and standing the muscles all along the back of my legs felt like I had been caned! I lit a smoke, sat on a bar stool under the front patio roof to take a break for a minute and heard a loud thud. Well I guess one horny ass woodpecker picked a not so horny woodpecker and decided he was going to have his way with her, whether she wanted it or not. Of course I had my phone in my pocket and these two birds, having no shame whatsoever, decided they were going to get it on in front of me. Damn exhibitionist Woodpeckers, who knew? I didn't even know that birds screwed, I thought they just laid eggs? Shows you what I know. Well you can tell by the sound, at first she put up a lil bit of a fight during foreplay, but she soon was enjoying the hell out of it! THAT IS UNTIL I RUINED IT! So here is the video. I hope that you enjoy watching it, as much as I enjoyed watching it but nearly as much as they enjoyed PECKING IT!