It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Last night I found some old pics from last year's Choppertown Camparound and it brought back a shit ton of memories.  What a weekend, what an event and what an amazing core group of friends I am lucky enough to have.  While taking a mental walk back in time and looking back on the event and what it took to get ready for it, I just could not help but to laugh out loud, yeah really, not just to type the letters LOL but to actually do it!  From the boxing match to see who would win the "secondary fuel cell" or as we simply put it, "the gas tank", to the mad dash at 80 mph up the left shoulder of HWY 10 in Phx with the insane George the Painter leading the way to the grand finale of the un-burnable plastic fiber optic Christmas tree that put out such horrid toxins into the air that I did the puke and walk for about 200 feet just from taking in a deep breath of it! 

Preparing for the trip began in GTP's studio in Tempe, Az.  We all had a bit of work to do to our bikes to be ready for the mad dash chopper ride north into the mountains. We had to switch out my ignition switch and change my oil, no big deal.  I hopped on GTP's wicked lil FXR to run to the auto parts store to grab some 50 weight and while I was gone, he would drain my oil to save time.
When I left the studio, George and Porn were putting the final twists of the screwdriver on my ignition.  I got on that FXR that was put together with duct tape, wood screws and a long prayer and hauled ass down to the store.  I don't think I was gone 15 minutes at the most.  I had the quarts of oil tucked into my lap and was thinking about how much time we had saved by them draining the old oil while I picked up the new.  Upon my return to the studio, here is what I saw as I crossed the threshold into anarchy.

........ and the oil was still in the bike!  So here is a word of advice to you, my friends; if George and Porn offer to drain your oil for you while you are gone, make sure that you say thank you, but NO THANK YOU!

To make a long story short, we got the bike BACK TOGETHER and got packed up for the trip.  We arrived at a bar restaurant that welcomed us and gave us their entire property to do with what we wanted and boy did we do whatever we wanted.  Immediately I made friends with the horse, the elephant and the giraffe.  Well here, I'll show ya.

The pics with the horse were a little bit too shocking even for me to post, so you will have to use your imagination.  This was an amazing party.  The real deal!  If you weren't going to show up on a bike then don't show up at all.  Those that showed up in cars or trucks were turned away and told to come back with a bike or don't come back.  Now that's what I am talking about.  A real deal bike event with nothing but chopper jockeys and whatever it is that they could strap to their bikes.  You might be surprised just how much you can actually strap onto a bike when it's all you got!  We set up camp on what I can only describe as THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON because of it's boulders and deep space night time temps.

Once we had camp set up, we immediately noticed that GTP was gone.  Where the hell did he go?  We soon had our answer.  George had gone ahead and claimed the only local woman who had more than two teeth in her mouth, that bastard!  Well a guy has to do what a guy has to do right? 

As the night wore on, there didn't seem to be enough clothes to put on to keep the biting cold from making Junior and the twins damn near disappear into the night or at least into the depths of my groin!  First we burned all the wood we found, then we tore down some wood fence and burned that too.  The bar had two life sized jenga games and they would be sacrificed to the Chopper Gods as well.  The problem that comes from hanging out with maniacs are many but one for example is that they will burn anything they find to stay even remotely warm.  For example, the aforementioned FIBER OPTIC CHRISTMAS TREE.
We awoke in the morning damn near blind and hardly able to breathe from inhaling the toxins from that damn tree.  We needed supplies so we hopped on the bikes to ride into town.  I stood up the knuck, opened the petcock and sure as hell, she fired up on the very first kick.  My girl was ready to go.  We rode a few miles off the mtn. and into town.  I loaded up on the things that I would need most to survive another night.  A pack of smokes, a bottle of Jack, a bottle of Coke and some keebler fudge shop cookies.  I walked out to the bike and kicked her over and the kicker pedal dropped straight down to the ground, the keyway on the transmission had broken off!  Ut oh!
Finally the Chopper Gods decided to stop mocking me and were at least kind enough to allow this to happen atop a hill.  So I rolled the bike to the top and on the way down put her in 2nd gear and popped the clutch, up and running, let's go!  In their ultimate act of kindness, said Gods were also kind enough to send us some women who had ALL OF THEIR TEETH, so the day was looking up!  When we returned, many more bad ass scoots had made their way up to the Bad Ass bbq and the party was in full swing.  An evening of boxing, music and burnouts was about to unfold and memories were about to be made that would last a lifetime!

The bikes were some of the sickest that you will ever see, the people could not have been more amazing and as predicted the event was an absolute success.  There were no chaps vendors, no assholes, no attitudes and with the exception of a bruised ego, virtually no injuries.  Choppertown Camparound is about to be upon us again and I can't wait.  I am so excited to go up and see my favorite Giraffe again and party with some of the finest people the Chopper Gods put on this planet.  So google that shit, see what you come up with, get your bikes ready and get your asses to the Camparound because you will have a time you won't soon forget and you will, as I did last year, make some friends both old and new.  See you there.  Until then,

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Ride Home

I am often asked if I miss being back in Jersey. Simply put, NO! This is what I see when I drove home for the last 5 years. I have never experienced anything like living on this mountain. From the Golden Eagles sitting on my wall and having their babies every year in a cactus up the street to the Bobcats that would jump up onto our roof. I've seen scorpions so big at my house that you could filet them and rattlesnakes that would scare the shit out of the toughest men I know. Here is a taste of my ride!


Monday, December 20, 2010

stuck in ass rape California

After Leaving the one and only Slab City Riot 2, we headed out through the sand dunes of Glamis and beyond to get our collective asses back to Arizona. We had a pretty good run going and then the proverbial shit hit the fan. We were making an average of 13 miles between breakdowns. Here are a few of those minutes in Palo Verde California.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Not as bad as it seemed !

It seems that although I am having the most interesting experience of a lifetime at an Interactive Animal Park  more often than not in the last few years,I feel like I am the Giraffe, not the COMPLETE JACK ASS on the chair!  But in looking back on this year alone I realized that there was more good than bad and that is one hell of a nice change of pace.  By now you know that I like to set my camera down on a rock, a ledge or any thing that I can prop it up against and keep it balanced.  When I am out on the road or there is just no one to share a great moment with, I just set my auto timer and hope for the best. 

Looking back on this past year, not only did I realize that we survived yet another really tough year.  A year that was just absolutely brutal for so many but that there were times that were not only great but those times made some memories that will last a life time. 
I got to hang in a storage shed and watch a mad man's progress on an incredible piece of art.  It's far from what it seems at a quick glance.
In one night alone, Charlie the Nomad and I killed 56 BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS outside my house.

I had some of the very best times that I have ever had on stage in my life this past year.

That view above, well it can be the loneliest place on earth and the scariest.  In this case I had a ball!

I knew my luck was all turning around when this onion ring was tossed from "Dart Throwing" distance shooting to land it on the antler, ON PURPOSE and I got it!

I got to take a ride in Sturgis with a few friends, old and new!

One of the highlights of my life, I had a Doobie Brother tell me he enjoyed my performance.... HOLY SHIT!

I got to ride along, if only briefly, with the riders of the Cannonball.  The bikes were nothing short of miraculous!
I was able to witness one of the greatest acts of love and devotion to God that you could ever imagine.  A man's life work.  This is all done with simple paint and caulk and yes, it is a mountain!

I was invited into and given the full tour of WHEELS THROUGH TIME MUSEUM and it's one of the highlights of my life!  You need to get there sometime in your life, bucket list item for sure.

I got to ride a motorcycle cross country for the very first time ever.  Another bucket list item, check!  I met some amazing people on the road.  Life long friends I am sure.

I got to reconnect with an old friend I hadn't seen in 13 years and see him blow the roof off of the Dodge Theater. 

First bike show ever and I took best of show.... incredible
The lil woman and I made it through our 24th Hell Ride of a year together.

and a good friend showed me the joy of hanging out and shopping at Goodwill.  This is really only a portion of the things that my friends found to help keep me busy in 10'.  For the first time in a long time things are really looking up for my family and I only hope and pray that it is for you guys too.   I believe that with everything "life" has become over the past few years, it's been as good as it has bad.  The good you ask?  Think about all the "bad" people that were around or in your life.  Those people weren't able to fake it anymore, those people who didn't have good souls showed their true nature and some of the wrong people faded off into the sunset.  Although we have all been through some shit, I think in the end somehow we come out better. 


Thursday, December 16, 2010

Our Plot To Take Over The World Foiled By Explosion

So I am sitting on my couch disgussing what type of outfit Bean're should wear tonight for his Arizona Debut.  This is only a brief discussion though as we were really planning on how we would conquer the world.  He offered suggestions and I did as well.  Apparently he didn't like one of mine and he said Jack, that shit will blow up in your face.  I said oh really, ya think?  With that, a massive explosion is heard and a brilliant flash of light appeared and engulfed my completely dark home in a big blue flash.  HOLY SHIT, HE WAS RIGHT!

My wife was with us and we all three ran towards the rear of the property where the explosion came from.  Upon inspection you could see smoke and watch all of the electrical wires shaking violently and all the power in the house was gone.  Now we are in total darkness!  I make the call to the Authorities, against my better judgment of course.  Those of you who know me, know damn well, I am no fan of authority!  Thank God my wife is Sicilian and Bean're is a former United States Marine so I knew that we were safe going into the yard to check the situation not to mention, they were armed to the teeth.  Well we found the cause

Apparently, this God Damned Woodpecker laid himself across two of the terminals and caused a massive explosion.  If anyone is hungry, just for the record, it is fully cooked now.  How do I know it is fully cooked you ask?  I'll show you the insides.
See, I told you it was cooked, look I am going to eat it.....  FRIED WOODPECKER IS DELIGHTFUL!

Yes, those are it's intestines.  The guys from the electric company told me to just start shooting them so they don't have to come back!  So who is coming over for dinner?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I find it hard to say how much I enjoyed this past week.  From riding choppers and vintage bikes you get to meet an eclectic to say the very least group of the most amazing people.  Some it's great to see and shake hands and take a look at what ya each rode in on.   Others it is just amazing to see in any way, shape or form.  People that you have met, ridden with and gotten to know.  The problem is that so many of these people live thousands of miles from you and you rarely get to party, ride and enjoy each others company.  The bi annual vacation, the annual bike run and that's about it.  Over the past few weeks I have been lucky to have friends in from Wisconsin, Jersey, Florida, Tennese and others.  They have each come as another left.  In that same time we rode tripped down to visit still more distant friends.  This last few weeks has been fantastic and can't wait to make more memories!
The deluxe Guest House at the Porn Compound down in the town too tough to die, TOMBSTONE




JK 47





I am making even more great memories with friends as I type this, but wanted to share a little bit of just last
week with you all.  During winter, the early dark nights and shit like that brings me down and I am usually a miserable bastard but with all of these friends around lately I don't even have a moment to stop and realize that it is even winter.  WEll WITH THE EXCEPTION OF RIDING ON MARIO'S BAGGER WITH HEATED SEATS AND GRIPS, that night I remembered it was winter.


Things are looking up

I know so many of us have had it so bad for so long now.  Jobs are leaving the country faster than illegals are coming in.  We seem to end each month about 200 bucks short of what we need to pay for all of the shit from last month when we were 200 bucks short then too.  People with master degrees in engineering are making coffee at Starbucks just to get out of the house where their angry ass wife lives and she hasn't been able to get her nails done by the lil asian illegal who was smuggled here in a cargo container.  She won't gain her freedom anytime soon because all the white women had to cut down on getting their nails done.  The days of the "early" bikini wax are over and for some the age of bikini wax just may be gone forever.  Which leaves the miserable coffee making engineer fighting his way through a late 60's hippie bush and choking on the loose pubes that find themselves wrapped around his tonsils deep in the back of his throat.  Let me tell you from experience, there is nothing that ruins a woman's mood more than when you slip down from her neck to her chest to her belly and beyond, start planting little kisses and suddenly you are hacking and gagging!  Obviously she thinks that you are offended and disgusted by what it is you found when in fact you are just choking on the base jumping pube who leaps into the back of your throat.  A sure fire way for the fight to start.  Why don't you trim this fucking thing?  Why don't you get a better job so that I can afford a razor that don't come from the dollar store in a pack of 90?  Why do you have to act just like your mother?  Why are you pointing that shotgun at me?  I am sure you have all been there right?

Well, it seems that we may be at the beginning of poking our heads out of this hole.  It seems that the real estate market is starting to flat line in it's values.  It seems that there are less Canadians buying homes here now and more Americans are holding onto their homes.  Maybe it's the holidays that bring out the hope that we shared as kids?  Maybe it's because the aforementioned engineer who is working at Starbucks also got a part time job at Wal-mart for Christmas, I don't know what is going on, but things seem to feel a little bit less like that "impending feeling of doom" and more like "we are going to make it".  I hope that it's the latter of the two and that it lasts for some time.

For myself and my family, things are picking up for sure.  There seems to be light at the end of the tunnel.  Well at least it appears to be a light, perhaps it is just an illusion from lack of quality food over the last two years.  The lil woman is selling houses and properties like crazy again and although the commissions are one 5th what they use to be, money is flowing into our home again like it use to.  For me, I have concentrated less on stand up comedy although I absolutely love it and I am writing like mad again.  I surely have missed it and I think it is all based on mood.  When I feel like shit, the writing is dark and miserable and nobody wants to read that, but with the noose around my neck having loosened a bit, the creativity is flowing like mad.  I am currently in negotiations along with a great friend to co host what looks like it could be an amazing television series.  I would share more but don't want to poison the pond by giving the details.  Although things are looking up, I am still superstitious and don't want to jinx it.  I am still going to host bike events because there is nothing that compares to them, nothing!  So if you or someone you know is looking for the host with the most, don't hesitate to have them reach out to me.  I wasn't sure what the year ahead had in store for me so I held off on booking events.

I hope that you guys, my friends are seeing the same light and that your future is looking brighter.  I have learned that through these past few "lean" years, that we need far less than we had.  I have learned that love, loyalty, honor and respect go much further and last longer than the limit you had on that credit card that you can't afford to pay anyway.  I have learned that through tough times "the cream truly does rise to the top" and the scumbags in your life fall away, usually after stealing from you, but fall away none the less.  That the people who will be in your life have stuck around and proven their worth by holding the same core values of L,L,H & R and have all ridden out the same storm with some semblance of dignity no matter how hard they themselves have had it.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG, LONG TIME, IT FEELS LIKE WE ARE ALL GOING TO MAKE IT!  I hope that this is true for all of us and I am not just feeling this good because I awoke to a blow job this morning.  If in- fact this is the reason I feel this way and in-fact the world is still racing down hill at break neck speed and we have no brakes, please don't tell me until tomorrow and let me have this one day.

Friday, December 10, 2010

The Chopper Gods - They Mock Me!

Those of you who know me, know that I sing the praises of friendship quite often.  There is nothing in life that I cherish more than a true friend.  I know right now you are thinking, Jack Shit must be smoking crack or something because he just wrote a few days ago about this shit.  Is Jack Shit out of things to write about that he is already repeating himself?  NO, NEVER!  As long as I continue to be surrounded by the quality people that I have found myself surrounded by for the last few years, there will never be a lack of things to talk or write about.  Here is an example of aforementioned acts of friendship.

At the end of July, beginning of August we were lucky enough to spend a bit of time here in AZ. with our dear friend Mario, and that's MAR E O, not MARY O as those of us from the northeast commonly say.  I had just gotten hired on to host the downtown Broken Spoke Saloon in Sturgis for the 70th anniversary of the rally.  Once I knew I had the gig, there was much to be determined about the logistics of it all.  How would I get there, what did I need while I was there etc.  Now understand that since I have ridden a bike, the dream was always to make it to Sturgis and I had countless chances to go.  But here is this one thing, I would never go unless I RODE IT ALL THE WAY!  The problem was that I lived in Jersey and that would have taken 3 weeks on the road to do it right and I could never afford that time off.  Now I live in Arizona and it's a hop skip and a jump away, sort of.  So I had to ride right?  Wrong!  I had so much to bring up there and I just couldn't take the chance on my 63 year old bike breaking from running wide open for that distance and having a slated in stone appearance time.  I decided that I would trailer both my knucklehead and Brother Adam's bad ass Trump chop.  The original idea was to truck to Colorado, pick up Adam's dad who he has never had a chance to really put on any miles with and roll into Sturgis on two wheels together.  As luck would have it, his dad refused.  In retrospect, probably a good decision.  I had about 300 shirts that I needed to move to make the trip worth it financially so we had no choice, they were loaded into the truck with all our camping gear and shamefully, we trucked in.  I have this stupid big landscape trailer that when I pull it, I get about 9 miles per gallon on flat highway and we were going through the mountains.  While visiting with Mario and his wonderful wife Pat, I noticed that he had a "real" bike trailer in the garage, one of those stand up kinds.  I asked if I could borrow it and being the true friend he is, said yes!  That's it, we are ready to roll, it's all perfect, it couldn't be any better right?  Famous last words, I know!

So we loaded up all our shit and with $114 in pocket we set out on our trip 1/3 of the way across the good ol' USA, onward and upward to Sturgis, the Mecca of Motorcycling.  Like many of us these days, times have been brutal.  My wife, although an absolutely amazing realtor was earning shit because the market was just horrible.  It seemed that no matter how much money we earned we were always coming up just shy of having enough to cover what we needed.  Being sick and having a horrible disease like MS is insanely expensive and no matter the cost, no matter the loss no matter what, Diane's meds always come first and foremost.  In a true act of friendship, Brother Adam said, "dude, you got to get there", I will cover the cost of the fuel!  This guy rocks!  We started out real early in the A.M. and all seemed great with the exception of the fenders on the trailer.  For some reason, although they were mounted to the axle itself, they shook wildly back and forth.  We spent two thirds of the entire drive staring in the mirrors just waiting for them to sheer off.  Unlike a "watched pot that never boils" apparently, if you stare at fenders long enough, they actually do sheer off!  As we rolled into Las Vegas, N.M., we heard this horrible sound.  It was the right fender.  It had broken about 70% off and had pretty much got sucked into and under the wheel.  OH FUCK!  We managed to cut the wires for the lights, remove what was left of the mount and pull the fender.  As luck would have it, THE POLICE WERE KIND ENOUGH to immediately give us their full attention, how thoughtful of them.  Well, I guess we passed the sniff test and they pointed us to a welding shop.

THE CHOPPER GODS WERE FURIOUS WITH US FOR TRAILERING and they would make us pay for it!  Well the guy there, I can't for the life of me remember his name dropped what he was doing, put on his old leather bibs and started welding.  We lost about an hour or two there in beautiful and majestic Las Vegas.

We got some Mickey D's, I know, nasty right and we hit the open road again.  The lights fixed, the fender welded up and a McDonalds orange drink in the cup holder and nothing but sunny skies ahead..... for about 35 minutes that is....  What began with the Chopper Gods spitting at us turned into the Chopper Gods having God awful diarrhea, it must have been because the shit that came down on us was like no shit I have ever driven through.  On a side note, I must now ask all of you to send your unused YELLOW PAINT to the state of Colorado because obviously they can't afford any to PAINT LINES ON THE HIGHWAY.  At least there were none that I could see and my co-pilot more or less pleaded with me to just pull off the highway so that we could actually survive to see Sturgis!

We made it to the rally and managed to do it in one piece.  Now as the rally rocked on, it was time for Brother Adam to head home via airplane.  The trip home was on me and me alone.  I was totally cool with that.  As you may know already, Sturgis was a huge success for me and I got to meet people that have become friends for life.  I had to return to the Spoke County Line Campground to pick up Adam's Trump and re pack all the shit that I had brought with me.  Luckily I was about 200 shirts lighter.  Upon re-loading the trailer, I noticed a hair line crack in the paint on the other fender, ut oh!  I just had a horrible feeling about it, so I wrapped it with a ratchet strap and put it through the bikes and attached it to the trailer loops.  An ounce of prevention right?

I get to spend a little bit of time before I left with my amazing friends, Long Jon, Miss Pinky Pancake and the one and only Bean're, the Mayor of Fun.  It truly was hard to pull out of Sturgis.  I had worked so hard non stop that I never got a moment to hang with the people that I love with the exception of the nights that they commandeered the Broken Spoke Bus and visited me downtown.  I had the chance to stay one more night and just chill, but the lil woman gets her shot of meds on Monday night and I had to Jam home to make it to do the shot for her.  As I drove through the most spectacular scenery and roads that everyone got to do on Scooters in my truck I began to reflect on what an amazing rally it had been.  Once I was officially in the middle of nowhere Wyoming and the sun was setting I approached a couple on a bagger rollin at about 65 mph.  Well I was going faster than that and I wasn't about to drive 150 miles behind these two.  So I shot left, punched the pedal and was in the process of passing them when I remembered the Chopper Gods and obviously, they remembered me too.  I hear the most unreal sound of steel and pavement.  That hairline paint crack became a full fledged steel sheering nightmare and the second and last fender tore loose.  Had I not put that strap on it, that fender would have certainly crashed out those folks on the bagger.  Ha!  I beat the Chopper Gods.  Well that is if you over look the fact that I am in the middle of nowhere, it's getting dark, there is no cell signal and the tools are packed in the bottom of the truck.  I managed to get the fender fully dismantled, removed the wiring for the lights and got back on the road.  Once in Colorado in the very same spot, the Gods must have eaten something bad because they began to shit on me again.

I made it home without any more incidents thankfully.  Now I have this trailer that has literally fallen apart on the trip and I have till April to return it as Mario won't be back in AZ until then....... or so I thought.  Luckily having that trailer in the end was a blessing because I was able to help out so many other friends who had broken down, had bad wrecks and move couches as well.  Now here is the hitch in the ole giddy up.  That April trip actually turned out to be NOW!  As luck would have it, NO, I had not fixed the trailer yet, oh boy, I am screwed.  Now my friends, Mario's friends, our mutual friends managed to arrive earlier than Mario.  So being a good friend, I invited them over and promised to make them a nice dinner.  After all, what are friends for right?  If you can't feed your friends what good are you?  Luckily, the meal was a great one and left all who enjoyed it fit, fat and full.  I recieved fantastic compliments and it made it all worth while.  After dinner and as they were about to hop on some bad ass scoots, yes even Byker Jym's borrowed Purple Swift, I had mentioned to Lil Ben about how bad I felt that I still had the trailer, hadn't fixed it and I would now be the jerkoff that borrowed, broke and didn't return a friends trailer.  SOME FRIEND I AM!  In the spirit of true friendship, Lil Ben says "rather than riding down to Tucson, I will stay back and we will fix it before Mario arrives".  Really?  You would do that?  Awesome!  The next day comes and Mario's flight arrives at 5:30 p.m.  We roll out to Phoenix to Brother Adam's shop to pick up the fender to shoot over to another friends to weld it all up and even plan to fix the shit I didn't break, after all, it's the very least I can do right?  As luck would have it, we finished the trailer and pulled out of the yard at, yes, you guessed it 5:34 p.m.  We hauled ass back to my house to pick up the spare tire that I forgot and fed Lil Ben again.  I loaded up the tire, the lil woman and raced to Queen Creek.  I pulled onto the property, rolled the trailer up the mountain of a driveway, pushed it into the garage and went back for the tire from the truck just as Mario pulled into the driveway.  I literally got it there moments before he would ever know that I was a complete asshole.  Then again, I am sure he already knew that before this.  Everyone swore they would never tell him about my delay in the return and I am grateful for that and their friendship but I won't ever lie to a friend.

So then, Mario, here is my confession.  Lil Ben, thank you for bailing my ass out.  Adam, we couldn't have done any of this without your shop, your tools and your big ass foot.  Jym, thank you for having a magical beard and Chris thanks for saying such good things about my cooking, it warms my heart.  Mario, I must also say that I am sorry your Rigatoni was sort of dry by the time it got to you.

WITHOUT ALL OF YOU, MY FRIENDS, I WOULD BE NOTHING!  Not a single day goes by that I don't realize just that!

Till we see each other on the road somewhere, I am and will remain, your friend Jack Shit!