It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Friday, April 15, 2011

How do I get in to the shit I find myself knee deep in?

No that's not how you do it, I just saw a television show, THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!

Where the hell and what the hell is that building?  Ya got me, ask my friends from Nashville, they can tell ya!

So one night in the middle of the night a few years ago I once again found myself stressed to the max and could not sleep.  This is going back quite a few years now and although I had money rolling in hand over fist, I couldn't stop worrying about my wife, her health and knowing that the single worse thing for MS is stress.  Although we literally had money to burn in the bank, the housing bubble had burst and exploded like the money shot in a group sex shower scene in a Gay Porn!  I had just watched a show about how lottery winnings ruined people's lives and all I could think was <come and ruin mine>!  That show was followed by a show about people who do nothing but enter sweepstakes and give aways full time and you know what?  They win all the time.  This was a Friday or a Saturday night.  What stuck out in particular was a woman who showed how she always wins when you do those fill out the form and put in the box kind of contests.  Everyone fills out the form, folds it in half and puts it in the box.  NOT HER!  She folds it, then folds up each corner so that they stick up and out a bit.  All four corners folded in different directions.  Now when they mix it up and reach in to pull one out, because of the folded corners hers sticks to everything and they nearly always pull hers.  The following day, I go to a party at the local Harley Dealer, Superstition Harley, hey, I was new in town and didn't really know anyone and we needed a break.  Turns out Diane didn't even want to go so I went with someone who at the time was a good friend, turns out today, not so good!  Anyway, we are waiting on this incredibly long line for our "complimentary bbq food" and I see all these people over at the local country station's table.  I said, hold my spot, brb, I want to see what's going on.  I would insert a photo from that day of the party at the dealer, but I am really not a fan of the factory or the dealers these days.  I always say, support your local bike shop or do it your damn self.  So I will insert a special pic here!
About 5 days later, I am standing on my driveway and I am washing off the mud from my Jeep.  I hear my phone ring and I don't recognize the number.  Now like I said, those days we had money so I knew it wasn't a bill collector, so I answered it.  Yes hello, John?  The voice said over the phone.  John?  Yeah, who's this was the response.  This is Dick Hardcock, not his real name but I can't remember who it was actually so we will just call him that for now!  Yeah, what do you want Dick?  What are you doing this weekend?  Well, that is really none of your fucking business Dick, tell me what you want because you have 3 seconds till I hang up on you!  Well like I said, this is Dick Hardcock from Camel Country 108!  Yeah and I am fucking Howard Stern, what do you want?  No really man, I am who I say I am and were you at Superstition Harley this past weekend?  UHM, YEAH, I was.  Are you free this weekend?  I can be, what's up?  Well you entered a contest at the Dealership.  I did?  Yes, you did, don't you remember?  No, not really.... oh, wait a minute, is this the thing you wrote your name on and put it in the box?  YES, THAT'S IT!  Can you make it down to the radio station by tomorrow noon and are you over 18 with ID to prove it?  Yes I am, what did I win.  You won a first class, all expense paid trip to Nashville, Tennessee for the CMA awards with special VIP package and treatment!  Oh my God, really, I can't believe it, how cool but what are the CMA awards?  Really, are you serious says Dick Hardcock!  They are the Country Music Awards, aren't you a fan of country music?  WELL, YES, I AM NOW!  So I actually woke up in the morning and picked up my super prize package.  Do you want to pay the taxes now?  HELL NO!  I will let my creative accountant handle that later! 

So off to the airport we went and shortly after we landed in Nashville.  Where we were met and treated just like they said, like VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE!  We were put up in this kick ass hotel on like the 18th floor and most everything was comped!  Upon our arrival, we were met in the lobby by our Guest Relations coordinator and brought to a special room where we were to receive our special package.  They were not kidding, they loaded us up on all kinds of swag!  You know when you here about the Academy Awards and the stars get those special "gift bags" and they are filled with all kinds of great stuff?  That is what we got.  We got shit from all the sponsors.  $40 bottles of hair conditioner and ridiculous stuff like that.  We checked in to our room, the entire time the lil woman walking next to me, squeezing me saying YOU ARE THE FUCKIN MAN JACK!  How do you pull this shit off?  I don't know, the lil old Contest entry lady I saw on tv the other day.  It's only because of her that we are here.  Can you believe that shit really works?

The above photos were taken from the window of our hotel with the camera fully zoomed in.  We were up there, high above "the little people" and it felt damn good!  The first night we were hustled in to this special dinner with a whole bunch of song writers.  One of the big things that differs in Country Music is that it is controlled by a bunch of good ol' boys!  You play by there rules more or less or you don't play at all!  You see in Country, you have the people who write the songs and then you have the people who record and perform the songs and usually they are not the same person!  Spread the wealth more or less.  At the time we were there, Big And Rich were hitting it huge.  While they performed on stage, they had this chick who would get up there with a spinning easel and a blank canvas.  They would start a song and by the time it was over, this chick had finished a painting and they were pretty bad ass.  Normally I am not a "Star Fucker" but this was not a normal trip so I did what any good tourist would do, I had my photo taken with her and even got her to sign the event invite.  She was kind of kooky but what artist isn't?

Look at her giving the Devil Horns!  I think she was just excited to have her pic taken with Jack Shit!  For the record, her other hand his holding my ass!  Yes, it's good to be the king!  Anyway, while we were there, a few guys got up and played and told the stories of the songs, how they came about and shit like that.  The entire reason that I am writing this post today is because while on the drive home today, I was scanning through the radio stations and this song came on.  Live like you were dying, performed by Tim McGraw.  Well while at this dinner we met the two guys who actually wrote the song.  We hit it off pretty good and they actually had this little book or some shit, to be honest, I never really looked at it again.  Anyway, they signed the book for me and damn near laughed themselves till they pissed when I told them who to make the book out to!  JACK SHIT, really man?  YES SIR!  We got pretty tuned up that night and left the hotel and went on down to a local Honky Tonk, yes, they really do call them that.  We had a few more drinks, went back to the hotel where I got yet another reward for scoring this trip only this time it didn't come in a gift bag, it came in a nice, tight lil package.  MY GIRL!  Nothing makes me happier than when I make her happy and better yet PROUD!  Let's just say, I have never entered another contest without folding up the corners on the entry slip!

The next day we were invited as special guests to a private concert a few blocks away called Rhinestones and Roses or some shit like that?  There is a guy that is an institution in Nashville named Manuel.  He is a clothing designer who makes the sickest "cowboy" shit you have ever seen.  Everything is blinged out.  He made the outfits for Elvis, Dolly Parton & Stallone for that horrible movie they made and he made crazy ass clothes for every Country super star ever.  The music was performed by the who's who in the history of Country Music.  It was actually kind of cool to go to.
I don't really remember who these people are.  I know she is big time in Country and the old guy, well you got me?  The guy in the back corner with the white hair and the blue jacket, that is Manuel.  We really dug the show and had a great time.  We left the show, had some "free lunch" back at the hotel and rested up for a bit.  In a few hours we had to be a big show called THE SONGS OF THE YEAR CONCERT.

Turns out that this was being filmed for Canadian Country Music Television and our seats were so close to the stage that each time we got up to piss somebody came and filled our seats.

 We showed up at the concert "dressed appropriately" and had a few drinks in the lobby.  While waiting to go in, the Guest Relations coordinator was there with her husband, tonight they partied too.  She asked how we enjoyed the afternoon's show and if we could get over the people there.... honestly it was a great show but I certainly could get over who was there.  She asked if we had a chance to go down to the BOUTIQUE yet?  Uhm, nope, where's and what's that?  It is where Manny makes the clothes and sells them.  It will be busy with everyone picking up their clothes for the CMA's but you should at least go there to say you were there.  Really, to say we were there?  You can't really buy anything but maybe you could pick up a t shirt or something.  Well, okay, we will go tomorrow before the Awards Show.  So the next day came, we gabbed a cab and went down to the "boutique".  It was just a tiny old house in the middle of Nashville.  Okay, not impressed.  We went inside and I have to admit, there was just a sense of REALLY COOL going on in there and the energy was through the roof.  Part of the show that was in his honor was a performance by some huge star and while he sang, models came out and walked the stage in these jackets that he had created for each and every single state.  Here is one of them!

The place was really cool and most of the jackets were there on display.  We were made to feel really at home by one of the girls who turned out to be Manny's daughter.  We wandered around this tiny shop and were told, go ahead, try it on, any thing you like.  So of course Diane did.  She found this jacket, one of only two in the world that was a matched set with a pair of jeans.  Well the jeans were for someone six foot tall, but the jacket was bad ass!  It looked so good on her, I felt she had to have it... hell, we are on vacation!  How much could a denim jacket be anyway?  Wow, I wished I had asked that first..... $500!  Ah screw it, you only live once and remember, Live Like You Were Dying, right?  Diane is always about fair play so she insisted that I get something to.  What the fuck am I going to buy in a place like this?  Then I found these black pants, man were they cool looking.  There were only 4 pair of these ever made.  The case they were in was unlocked, that should have been my first warning, a locked case and I pulled them out.  Leather!  Holy Shit.... they don't even look like leather.  Diane said go try them on.  Try them on, I was afraid to touch them.  I did and walked out of the dressing room and she said, God Damn, look at you!  Buy them!  No way, c'mon, are you shitting me?  NO, BUY THEM!  Who knew fashion got chicks so damn hot!  With that, this guy comes walking out.  He said he heard me making everyone who walked in the door laugh so he wanted to meet me and say hello and see who this maniac was.  We hit it off instantly!  I told him that we were picking up the jacket for Diane and more than likely the pants.  He looked at me and no bullshit, said "prick"!  What?  Prick?  Those were what he was planning on wearing to the CMA's that night.  I said well too late now buddy, they are going to be mine....  he laughed and said I can't think of someone I would rather see have them.  He then said come here and follow me.  So he took us in to the office and said here man, please, take a few t' shirts, on me.  T' shirts, big deal.... I grabbed them and damn if they were not the nicest feeling t shirts I have ever felt.  He asked Diane to turn around slowly and she did....  He said, sweet Jesus, look at that!  He then went back in to the drawer and pulled out some Manuel booty shorts and gave them to Diane too.  We grabbed the jacket and pants and our free swag and handed them my credit card.  $1300!  The fucking pants were $800 bucks!  HOLY SHIT!  $800 pants are more expensive than my first car!  It was getting late and we had to get back to the hotel to get ready for the show.  The guy that had come out was Manny Jr., Manuel's son!  Who knew?  He said listen, don't you dare even think about a taxi, I'll drive you back to the hotel.... really, holy shit, okay!

He made us promise that when the Awards were over that we would meet him at the Wild Horse Saloon or some thing like that and that we were going to party our asses off all night.  So we hopped in to his Escalade or Denali or whatever it was he was driving, all I know is that it was nice and he drove us back to the hotel.  Now this family is Nashville Royalty, so he pulled up right in the fire zone / no parking zone in front of the hotel and just left the truck running and got out and walked around to open the door for Diane.  Such fine country manners!  He LOVED, LOVED, LOVED Diane!  As we pulled up, the Guest Relations lady was standing outside smoking and as she saw Manny Jr. she got all star struck and giddy, her face lit up.  Then our doors opened and we got out of the truck and her mouth just dropped open wide.... as we walked up she stammered and said "how, what, how, how, how did you..... who are you guys?  I said, "I'm Jack Shit honey".  We stood outside and smoked for a few and this crazy maniac comes out the door.  Manny wraps his arms around the guy and they start instantly screwing with each other.  Jack, Diane, this is my friend, he has the cowboy boot display in the convention center, have you seen them?  No Manny, we have not, no time and it's already closed.  Not any more it ain't he said, come with me and we all went up the escalator.  At the top was the tables with the Guest Relations people.  Behind that the doors to the convention center.  The name of the boot company was Tres Amigos or something like that and this is the guy who makes Arnold's and George Bush's boots.  He walked over, unlocked the doors and said to the girls at the tables, I know I'm closed but I want to show my friends my boots.  Again, the woman's face was just blank!  I have never seen anything like these boots.  The least expensive pair available was $750 and that was a deal he was giving us!  We passed on buying any boots, THANK GOD!  We thanked him for taking the time to show us such amazing art and that is what they were, art!  We went straight to the hotel bar and ordered a few double Jack and Cokes and I watched the lil woman get shit faced!

We went up to our room finally to get ready for the big show and I took a big FULL double Jack and Coke with me!  I came out of the shower and it was gone!  I said "baby, what happened to my drink"?  I think someone may have broken in to our room and the only thing they took was your drink.... We got our shit together and got dressed for the show!
If that ain't country, I'll kiss your ASS!

You can almost see the Jack dripping out of the lil woman's eyes!  I wonder if it were in fact an inside job in the break in and robbery of my Jack Daniels?  We went to the Awards show, found our way to our seats and my precious angel fell immediately to sleep.  She awoke as the applause rose at the very end of the show.  I got to see the show with a crooked neck because my girl put her head on my shoulders, pushed my head over to the side and went out cold!  We walked outside and it was freezing cold and raining.  I just wanted to go back to the hotel and go to sleep.  I was damn tired by now and had a stiff neck.  Not my girl, she was now well rested and ready to party all night.  So we went down to the Wildhorse and sure as shit ran in to Manny and his crew, partied there for a while and said okay, we are going.  Oh no you are not, you will do at least one shot with me before you go said Manny Jr.  Okay, one shot!  YEAH RIGHT!  For the first time in my life, I went HONKY TONKING!  This apparently takes a great deal of skill because you have to make it from one end of the street to the other end.  Simple right?  Well not when each and every door that you pass is the entrance to yet another bar and we passed through each and every door.  A few bars down the street, Manny asked if it was okay to dance with Diane... sure, why not....  they danced for a few and he went do dip her and threw her back and missed catching her and she flew right out the front door of the bar.  The bars are all tiny little row buildings that are 20 feet wide and 200 feet deep with a band on a stage right in the window.  She stood up laughing and he came over repeating, "I'm so sorry man", for what, it's all good, no harm no foul.  This went on for another two hours and then we just gave up!  We said our good byes to every one we met, exchanged email and phone numbers and promised we would never come to town again without stopping in and "doing it again".  Do it again?  Not sure about that, but we certainly did, that night at least, LIVE LIKE WE WERE DYING and you know what?  The next morning, WE WERE!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass.

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Thursday, April 14, 2011


This was only a tiny bit of the profanity that came out of my mouth on my drive home tonight!  Believe you me, it was a hell of a lot more colorful than this.  Within a few minutes, the anger slipped away, I took a deep breathe and rolled the car off of the side of the road and a feeling of total decimation engulfed my being!  I have come to grips with being fucked over, cheated, lied to, robbed, deceived, hoodwinked, ass raped, busted, broken and betrayed but c'mon universe, how about a break every now and again?  Really, just once in a while, please....?

Allow me to lay today's nightmare out for ya!  Although it's hard to technically call it today's nightmare as it has been an ongoing saga!  We got jammed up for money like so many other Americans for the last 60 days or so.  We had a shit ton of money coming in, damn near as good as in our hands!  See how I said "near as good"?  I say that because that is how close we actually got to getting it, damn near.  The first of my wife's real estate deals went south, with that, things began to fall like dominoes.  Deals went to hell, were delayed or completely fell apart with each passing day.  I had money coming in that has been delayed now for nearly 2.5 years and it too looks like I will now never receive it!  With this bullshit going on my precious angel of a wife's Health Insurance came due.  If I am a moment late on that it will be dropped and she will never have it again.  I made the executive decision to take the money from Peter to pay Paul.  Apparently this would come back and bite me on the ass!  I paid Diane's health insurance and assorted things that go with it and also went totally wild and paid our utilities as well, I was a man out of control!  The money I used was money to make the car payments.  On day 45 late, a Sunday, I had a couple grand in my hand.  I said baby, we need to figure out what we have to get caught up on Monday, the very next day.  We had just enough to catch us up on everything.  Thanks to some hard work on both of our parts, a little hustling, AZ Bike Week and my friends amazing support and a shit ton of T' Shirt sales, we were caught up. 

The Television Crew had just left my house to head back to Vegas and beyond and my kitchen was still filled with my house guests.  I took a drive down in the truck 8 houses away to see Charlie the Nomad and his crew before they rolled out of town.  I had to drive my truck because I could not walk that far with my back as wasted as it was.  As I sat in the truck talking with F Bomb through the passenger window a Repo Tow Truck drives past us.  I said, "boy, it's a good thing I just paid off the truck or that guy would be going to my house".  I drove to the gas station to get smokes and my phone rings, it's Diane, the truck really was there for me, but for the car instead of the truck!  No phone calls, no pleasant reminders, hell, not even threats about being behind, just a tow truck to repo it!  She said to the driver "I planned on paying it tomorrow, I can give you all the money now and pay your fees and whatever else you need cash right now on the spot".  WE CAN'T DO THAT!  You can pay it and then pick up the car Monday or Tuesday, it will only be $150!  Really?  You suck, but okay!  Wait, let me give you the keys to the car so that you can load it up easier.  Please be careful, don't hurt the car, please!  He goes out, takes the car in to the street as I pull up in front of the house.  I am so pissed off, ashamed and embarrassed that not only did this just happen, but in front of our friends and house guests.... I was exhausted from keeping insane hours at Bike Week and had nothing left to fight, so I just watched it roll away.

The next day, we call up the bank and say "how much do you want, it can't be that much, it wasn't that late"?  We want you to pay off the entire note now!  WHAT?!?!!!  WTF are you talking about?  How much are the payments behind, well in 6 days it will be two months.... Our response was, don't you think that if I had enough money to just pay off the car completely I would be even a minute late?  Well we want all of it or nothing, we keep the car!  Instead of being an animal and telling them to drop dead, or suck a dead goat's dick, my wife was sweet, kind and angelic to this demon on the phone!  "I can't do that, please, I need my car, I can't exist without it"....  Sorry was the reply!  How many miles does the car have, "78k".  Oh! Oh! Okay, please hold.  10 minutes later the woman gets back on the phone and says you have to pay us $3000 plus the back payments plus we are responsible for all the fees.  OH THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU ARE FAR TOO KIND!

The next day, we PAY THE RANSOM because that is what it was and we pick up the car.  The $150 was now $386 and you can pick it up between 3pm and 4:30pm.  Nice fair hours.  Of course if you can't pick it up we'll be happy to hold it until you can for a daily fee of course!  When we went to pick it up the guy on the lot was actually hiding so we didn't see him, I guess they wanted to keep it for a few more days.  Well after 35 minutes of standing in the sun and the guy disappearing with both my id and my banking info he returned.  15 minutes after that, he came back with the car.  Now keep in mind, this is not a large place, we can see the guy the entire time!  He gives us some forms where we are to check for body damage and such.  We told the guy it looks okay and we weren't too worried because we gave the guy the keys and asked him to be extra careful.  A quick walk around and no damage found.  We split up after that, I went one way and Diane the other, lots to do.  She drove around 175 miles with the car that day, came home and parked it.  The next day, she got in, started it, backed out and drove away.  An hour later I walked out the door and on the driveway was a massive puddle of oil!  HUGE!  Holy shit, after driving it and this puddle, can there be any oil left?  I called Diane in a panic and told her to bring the car right back.  I tried to get down to the ground to check what was leaking but the pain in my back was like getting electrocuted!  This prick after being asked so nicely not to hurt the car FUCKED IT UP BIG!  It took three days of the car being parked before I could get down on the ground to look under it and there was oil sprayed everywhere. 

We call the company and ask how this could have happened?  I DON'T KNOW?  At least he didn't straight up tell us to drop dead or laugh and hang up.  He told us to get the car and bring it to the shop next door to where we picked it up.....  okay, I guess!  We take the car to the shop, put it up on the lift and have to hear that they are sure it is just a coincidence that this happened at all and are sure it can't be anything they did.  The car goes up in the air and the mechanics gather around.  A little whispering between them and I knew I had to go over and look.  The driver who we gave the keys to and asked to please be careful, was so gentle THAT HE CRACKED THE OIL PAN!  MOTHERFUCKER!!!  The owner to his credit said oh yeah, the driver sure as hell did this.  A short time later, I was told that it would be taken care of.... REALLY?  You mean some one is going to do the right thing?  Dumbfounded barely describes my reaction.  Bring it in on Wednesday and we will take care of it, we have to order it from Volkswagen.  I called and the part hadn't arrived.  I called later and the part hadn't arrived.  I called again and you guessed it, it had not arrived.  Maybe we should schedule for another day?  Really, after I waited all day today and put it all off till tomorrow, I now have to come there tomorrow?  Okay...  First thing in the morning today became eleven, then two and finally three pm.  I arrived promptly at 3:10 and we put the car up again.  I can hear the guy yelling while he was working, GOD DAMNIT, SON OF A BITCH, FUUUUUCK!!!!  I was not feeling good about this now at all.  I have this guy taking apart a German car and using every curse imaginable!  With each profanity soaked scream my gut wrenched just a bit more.  Finally around 5 pm, the offending oil pan was removed, placed next to the new one and now there are three guys standing around it shaking their heads.  As I approach them I can hear them talking to each other, "man, well it sure is close to the original"  "Yeah it sure does, except for the big hole in the middle".  I can't believe this shit!  Only me does this shit happen to.  I can't take the car home again because there is no oil in the engine and no oil pan ON THE ENGINE!  I am 25 miles from home and there is a circle of "mechanics" talking about how similar the parts really are.  Of course with the exception OF THE BIG HOLE in the middle.  A last minute call is made and the owner has to drive, 22 miles to go pick up the part and the place is 3 miles from my house.  I can hear the song play in my head instantly.......... SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO NOW? 

Like an idiot, I decide to stay.  An hour later the part arrives and it gets installed with the plate to cover the BIG FUCKING HOLE IN THE MIDDLE.  The oil pan gets put back on and I can see 4 people now looking around on the ground, tool boxes, garbage cans, loose shit on the ground etc.... I approach horrified to even ask...... but I did..... "what's wrong guys"?  We can't find one of the bolts that holds the oil pan on.  I know we had it... YA THINK, REALLY?  I think ya did too, since the oil pan came in attached!  I was shot out, pissed off and tired.  I'll order you two new bolts tomorrow and come back and we'll put em in.  Two bolts?  You only lost one, why order two?  Oh the second is to replace the one we stripped getting out.... Oh well, that makes total sense, of course.  So the oil pan is on, minus one bolt and including one stripped one.  We even out the air in all the tires and I say my goodbyes and I thank them for working so hard and of course for doing the right thing and not trying to screw me on the job and for being honorable guys.  A bit of a mess but still they kept their word.  I drove away and the car felt great.  I was rolling about 80 mph down the freeway when the engine light came on!  Ut oh!  I got off the highway and drove towards the house, now doing 40 mph when all of a sudden there is this noise like I drove over a metal bed frame and it is stuck under the car and I am dragging it.  Imagine the sound that a muffler makes when it drops off a car and drags, got it, now multiply that by 10!  OH MY GOD, is that me?  No, can't be...  the old shitty car next to me drives away and I begin to make a right.  I slow to make the turn and the old car drives by, the sound is getting quieter.  Was getting quieter that is until I stepped on the gas again.  As I stepped on the gas my heart sank.... why me?  I figured 1.5 miles at the most and I am home, off the road and safe and sound.  I will just nurse it.... 300 feet more is about how far I made it before I became horrified that the motor was about to blow!  I just pulled the car over, right at the edge of the Ghetto!  Perfect.  While I wait for the tow truck I will have plenty of time to be robbed, raped and murdered.  Oh good, so it all works out then! 

The little woman only 10 minutes before called me to tell me that since I had such a long and shitty day she had just ordered PF Changs for us and was going to pick it up.  I called her and said baby, cancel that order.  Oh, did I mention that I had to piss like a race horse and I was completely OUT OF SMOKES?  As I said earlier at the opening of this, at first my head was about to explode then I just pulled over and more or less gave up.  I had quite a bit of time to kill until the tow truck came and that gave me time to think about MY CIRCLE OF LIFE!  First I run out of money, then car gets repo'd, then because I don't have any money, I have to come up with 5 times the amount that I didn't have in the first place, then they tow the car and break it, then I go to the people who damaged it's repair shop where they damage the car and I now have to wait for the company that towed the car in the first place and caused the damage to begin with, to now come back and tow it again back to the repair shop that just caused more damage than I began this whole circle of bullshit with! 

Here is the part I forgot to tell you!  Once I got to the shop, I met the guy who owned the towing company.  He said that he worked for the banks for 15 years and over the last two their policies changed.  The computer searches for cars that have late payments of any kind with a lot of equity in them.  Then they demand that you pay the note in full immediately.  When you can't, they keep the car and the best part, bill you to "refurbish it for sale" and add that to the debt you will still owe even after the car is gone.  The one and only thing that saved us was the mileage on the car, it was really high for it's model year.  There was not as much profit in the resale of the car after they seized it as they thought there was!  Remember above when I told you she asked how many miles and then put us on hold?  This is the reason why and that is the reason why they demanded only half and allowed us the honor of getting it back.  Real nice... aren't these the very same banks we bailed out so that they could help Americans who got in trouble and loosen restrictions.  It seems the bank figured out an angle like foreclosing on homes but with autos!  Way to Go!

SOME DAYS I JUST WISH THAT I DIDN'T WAKE UP..... and all this after having to go deal with the state of Arizona to pick up Death Certificates for our unlce who died!  Let me tell you, you don't even want me to get in to that ridiculous affair!

Till I see you on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Bikers get all the chicks, here is the proof!

For all of you ladies who think your man is screwing around while he is out on the road on his bike because he can't talk long or has trouble with his phone or doesn't want to sound like a pansy on the phone in front of all the boys, I made this video for you. I was traveling on the Long Road last year from New Mexico to Rockingham, North Carolina and it was an amazing trip with some exceptional people! There were a few things that I would change if I had the ability to. For example; being pulled over at well over 110mph in Texas by the Gray Co. Sheriff. Not a Sheriffs officer, but the ACTUAL GRAY COUNTY SHERIFF! He was not amused as I nearly hit him from behind in his beautiful new Cadillac Escalade. I guess it pays to be the Sheriff! Needless to say, our senses of humor were not even remotely compatible. All I can say is thank God it was Fathers Day or things would have been much different. The other thing I would have changed was the weather. Not for even a moment on the road was it less than 100 degrees with 100% humidity. Not only did that raise holy hell on the body but on electronics, for example my droid phone and the bikes. We ran them as hard as we could for as long as we could and at the end of each 350-400 mile day, they needed a bit of love. Each night I was only able to speak to the lil woman briefly if at all with my own phone. Humidity and vibration are not the best combination for those shitty ass phones! Luckily for me, I was surrounded much like I am today by amazing people. Someone always offered me a phone to call home and check on my girl. There were two shot nights that I missed while being on that trip and I was worried. One night while in Arkansas at the campground that hosts the largest nude camp out and games in the USA or so I was told (Roadside Marty is the only one I saw naked for the record) and what kind of games do you think they played. I know some of my readers know the answers to that, so understand, it was a hypothetical question. It was so damn hot that there was no way possible to sleep so I just wandered around. I could hear a lot of noise, yelling and screaming coming from the men's bathroom and showers. Now normally I would go on over to see what was going on but remember, we were in Arkansas, I HAD A TERRIBLE FEELING I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON!!!! Insert song from Deliverance right now in your head, I'll wait till you cue it up! Okay, ready, press play in your head now. I knew I had to check it out and like the Blair Witch Project, I wanted some type of record left for the people who found my freshly raped body so I grabbed my camera and my Freshly Chromed Ball Pean Hammer (thanks brother F Bomb) and I walked slowly in to the men's shower. The closer I got the louder the sounds got! For it being 100/100 I suddenly found myself having the Chills! I knuckled up any way and walked on in! Thank God all the thoughts in my head were wrong. Men were not raping men but instead stripping down and raping a Triumph. For the record she was quite sexy and she was asking for it! It only took a few moments of being in the probably 112 degree bath room to realize just how wrong all the stereotypes are. How wrong you women can be when you think your men are out whoring around at night on these bike runs. So I turned on my camera and I captured this very footage below just as proof to show the lil woman exactly what goes on at these "wild, crazy and insane" bike runs. I only hope that as you watch this, you are not too shocked or disappointed. I guess if we wanted to pick up chicks, we would ride new bikes that don't need to be worked on and I would probably install some of them FINE NEON LIGHTS under my gas tank, just so I could set the mood around the campsite! So ladies, next time your man says his phone has a bad connection, it probably has a bad connection. The next time your man says "nothing, I'm doing nothing, just hangin out working on bikes", he is more than likely up to nothing and is hangin with his boys working on bikes! Here is the proof in the pudding of what happens to us old bastards with old bikes. NOTICE ALL THE CHICKS WE GET? Any way, I had been poking around some old pics and came across this video. A friend, Pat Payne had reminded me of it the other night. I believe he said something like, MY HOSTING BIKE EVENTS HAS COME ALONG WAY SINCE HE SAW ME PERFORM FIRST IN THE MEN'S ROOM! I may be paraphrasing there but it's close. Have a great night all. Till we see each other on the road, Keep the wind in your face, Tits in your back and The Man off your ass! Your friend, Jack Shit

Monday, April 11, 2011

Live in the Living Room part 2

So on Sunday I told you what an idiot I am right? I told you about the band in the living room that I had no idea was a band. I just thought that we were lucky enough to have a house full of incredible makers of music! I posted a video I shot of them performing an acoustic version of their first single on Sunday as well. I captured this video first actually. Everyone was just shouting out song titles and what party would be complete without Skynyrd's Simple Man? Usually though you hear it on the cd player or the radio, not like this. When these guys began to play I had slipped in to a very rare state for me, SPEECHLESS! Don't worry, it don't last long. As a matter of fact it's not long in to the playing of the song before I am running my mouth! I hope that you guys enjoy this here, nearly as much as we did seeing and hearing it live. When you get a chance, please go check out the Tom Hollister Trio or otherwise known as TH3. I have a very rare, positive feeling about this band and where they are going to go. I wish them nothing but the very best and can't wait for the entire lp to drop! So without further ado, here they are, Live in the Living Room, TH3 performing Simple Man. Pretty damn good right? If you dug this, and have no idea what the hell I was talking about in the opening of this post, go back a post or two and check out a post titled, I'm such a friggin idiot and then it will all make total sense to you. As far as you maniacs from the UK go, it was a pleasure sharing those bottles of Gentleman Jack with you! See you on your next trip to the good ol' USA or on my first trip to Wales! All the best to ya boys! Until we see each other on the road, Keep the wind in your face, Tits in your back and the Man off your ass! Your friend, Jack Shit

El Camino and Lincoln Continental

If you saw yesterdays post with the video near the snow covered mountains, there were a few cars in Bob's garage and he sent me out to wander around, you may have seen them.  Here are a few quick shots I took. For each of these cars he is the single titled owner.  In other words, Bob bought himself a new car and never got rid of it or should I say them, any of them.  My favorite car on earth is the bad ass suicide doored Lincoln Continental.  Yes, the one Kennedy got shot in!  Hey, I'm from Jersey and nothing screams good times like loading up you and 8 of your dearest friends in the car for a ride down the Shore! 

UNDERNEATH THAT COVER THE INTERIOR OF THIS VEHICLE IS IN SHOCKINGLY GREAT SHAPE.  There was a time back in his "hey day" when Bob loved to show this car!

I can remember running the woods, or looking back on that time now, what was left of them then in a friend's, Grandfather's El Camino.  You were 12 going on 26 and your evil friend who you couldn't understand why nobody else wanted to hang out with him, alone, EVER!  That kid was crazy enough to drive around in that El Camino and you were crazy enough to get in it with him.  Although most of the time it was on or near his farm, when you are 12, being in that vehicle doing crazy do-nuts in a field will leave an indelible impression!  This weekend sort of took me back to remembering a time when life was a bit more simple and all you worried about in the world was "what kind of fun am I going to have today"?    I woke up this morning, refreshed, excited and invigorated.  Perhaps it was last night's living room jam session, or the combination of seeing and hearing just simple, beautiful SHIT!  Snow covered mountains in April in Arizona while standing 30 years later off the beaten path on what was once a larger ranch in it's day, next to two of the cars that have helped me shape my thought patterns, defined a portion of me as a man and be the head waters to the flood of memories that came back with leaning down and looking through the drivers window.  Then wrapping it up as I did as a young man, with someone, anyone, well anyone but me, playing a guitar and singing along.

 I am tired of all the shit that we ARE ALL CAUGHT UP IN these days.  Debt, politics, your kids being taught and protected by maniacs, sex offenders or extremists because unlike when we were children both parents have no choice but to work to pay down the debt and inevitably pay off the Politicians, a wild vicious circle, when did it happen?  What was the catalyst?  What was the thing that we Americans had to have so bad that our mom's had to get a job too, to help pay for?  Like the way Nirvana put the death nail in Hair Metal's heart!  Ah, just rambling on in my brain......  I wold be interested in hearing your theory on what that item was that changed everything.... 

Here are some shots I grabbed of the El Camino, this car was in amazing shape!

Whatever it was that made me feel so damn good again yesterday, I wish I could capture it and package it up in a little inhaler.  Every once in a while when it gets a little hard to breathe or I'm feeling strangled by the bullshit that living in our times brings, I could just puff, puff, puff...... three quick blasts, just like the asthmatic kid I also remember from those long ago times did and he was instantly okay....  Maybe that fat little, coke bottled glasses wearing, pants 4 inches too short, who had to wear his black dress shoes for gym, freaky kid had it figured out all along.

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I'm such a friggin idiot!

So we got invited to a party at a friends house yesterday. "I hope you guys can make it, there's some people we'd like you to meet". Sounds great, but of course we'll make it, you are our friends, absolutely we'll be there. We were supposed to be there around 2pm, so of course as we pulled in at 4:40 pm! For once at least it was for legit reasons. The lil woman was trying to put a real estate deal together and these days in real estate, you take nothing for granted, when you line something up in your sights, YOU PULL THE TRIGGER! Although we haven't known these particular friends that long, really only about 2 years I'd say, they quickly established themselves atop the list of amazing people in our lives. We had similar lifestyles, hobbies, mutual friends and both Diane and Patti suffer with MS which will bond you in an instant! Now we have been to a few parties over there to say the least. As a matter of fact last year around this same time, we had a bunch of friends from Jersey come out to stay with us and it was AZ Bike Week as well. We were not done renovating the house yet and the pool was empty and the house was barely painted. Patti and Daryl, her husband said "hell man, just take over our house, seriously, use our house"! After a lil bit of arm twisting that is just what we did. They gave us their "Palace" to entertain our friends for a week, truly first class on their part! Something was different about this party though. We walked through the door and the house was packed! Long haired, skinny jeans and a Shit Ton of long chains of every length and style, this was not your typical biker shindig, these were all "rockers", what the fuck were they doing here? As I walked through the packed house and it's a BIG FUCKIN HOUSE, I didn't recognize one person, not one single person. Hell, it took a few minutes to even find our friends. Usually, I am the most screwed up looking person to walk through these doors and on this day, I looked like a damn candidate for congress compared to these maniacs! We finally found our friends, grabbed some bbq and sat down to bullshit. Slowly I began to recognize a face here and there but 99%, I still had no idea who they were. Where I come from, when you are at a party and there is a guitar in the corner, inevitably, someone will pick it up and start playing and then someone else will join in with anything they can slap away on and then all our drunk asses sing! It's just the way it's always been. Since moving out to AZ, I have not been around that. Hell, I didn't even realize how much I missed it. I began in the entertainment industry when I was 17 and too young to even open my own company. Thanks Mom for helping to get that off the ground. Anyway, being the social butterfly that I am, I just started to bullshit and in typical Jack Shit fashion, just started making people laugh. One of the first things that I noticed was that everyone had a heavy accent. I don't mean a Boston accent or Jersey accent, I mean like Scottish accents and such. How peculiar I thought. Every now and again, the cd in the player got changed and each was better than the last and as it turns out, each was one or another of the guests.... a short time later a few more party goers arrived. They cracked a few beers and just hung out. We were off in the office when I heard the guitar being played like I had not heard one being played in a very long time. I peaked out of the office and noticed that all of the party goers were now in the living room, hummmm, my interest was peaked! Off in the corner, someone had picked up the guitar, another had picked up a shitty little bongo drum and this big 6'4" sum bitch sat down on a dining room chair and began to sing. HOLY SHIT DID HE BEGIN TO SING! I found a luxurious place to sit on the couch and pulled my girl down next to me and could not help but to become mesmerized. I've been around music my entire life but there was something sort of special happening in this living room, this Saturday night! A song would be played and then we would shout at them like a juke box, play this, play that and they laughed and took it with a grain of salt! Hell, I was now ready to join in, I saw a pair of maracas in the office, I'll play percussion too! At least back home that is how it went, find something that made noise and join in. I was so blown away by the playing that I never moved an inch from the couch..... after a bit, they stopped and the party went back to where it was earlier. At some point I was in the kitchen with the big fucker that was singing and we began talking. He spoke of playing rugby and shit and asked what it was that I did, so I told him and he was captivated. This went on and off for a while. What a super friendly guy! I looked over by the pool table and my girl was sitting on the couch talking with the 20 year old "kid" who was playing the guitar and it was like any normal party. We took turns swigging away on not one but two bottles of Gentleman Jack and chasing it with Jack and Coke for me and beer for them. I went outside to smoke and hang out with the outside crowd when these crazy bastards stripped naked and jumped in to the pool. If you saw my post last night, the video post, you will remember the SNOW ON THE MOUNTAINS! It was freezing out and a wicked desert wind was blowing and these nuts were now naked and dove in to the pool with the bottle of Jack! Unacceptable, party foul, get that bottle back before something happens to it!!! From the pool to the hot tub, to back in the house, it was truly a party! Not long after the number of people at the party had increased greatly and once again, the living room was packed full and the same three guys were in the very same positions yet again. That was cool with me, these guys rocked. But why had no one else joined in. The house was obviously chock full of fantastic musicians? It was later made clear to me why. I asked and the answers were the same from each, "I've learned long ago, when you are in the presence of greatness, you do not add mediocrity to it". Mediocre? I just heard your cd and if that is mediocre than I know nothing about music! They played another 3 or 4 songs, everyone went nuts and I was blown away. So of course stupid ass me suggests to them that since they seem to play so well together, perhaps they should look in to doing it all the time. The singer Tom laughed and said "Jack Shit, you may be on to something" and cracked a big ass smile! WEll I would not have said it if I didn't mean it and it weren't true. As they finished their last song and the cheering quited down I turned to my friend who was standing next to me and looked at him with that "holy shit man" look and it was returned with an agreeable nod. I was not crazy, I was hearing it as he was. I know music, at least I know what sounds good, my friend that I turned to knew music well too, he use to be in a band called LA Guns. He then said to me, "next big thing". What do you mean next big thing? Aren't these guys just party guests who picked up a guitar? Here is where the title of this blog comes in, the answer, NO! These guys had those funny accents because they were from Wales! They had just recently signed a development deal with Allen Niven, the manager of Guns and Roses, when Guns mattered to anyone! The guitar player, the 20 year old "kid" I spoke of is being called and allow me to quote from a famous music writer from the UK, Mick Walls, "the greatest up and coming guitar player of the century", the kids name is Chris Buck. Mick Walls who typically slaughters any and every band that comes before him has written "this is the most powerful trio to come out of the UK since Cream and the Jimi Hendrix Experience". This is the UK's version I guess of say, Rolling Stone Magazine. What the fuck are these guys doing sitting in the living room? THE NEXT BIG THING is pretty much a certainty for these guys. The name of the band is the Tom Hollister Trio or more commonly known as TH3 and they are going to be HUGE! Boy am I glad that after hearing that first song, I quickly built a tripod out of plastic cups, took my shitty little camera and hit record, I had to capture this impromptu living room jam session. I am such a friggin idiot, here I am thinking I just discovered these laid back "living room musicians"..... what a tool I am! It just so happens that I decided to turn my camera on and record what is their single Tied Up In Blue and damn is it good! So check it out, it's right here beneath this. Pretty damn good huh? A hokey bongo, a guitar that was not his, no bass at all and by comparison shitty American beer than what they are use to and sitting in a living room and this is what you get! You can see now why I suggested that they should seriously consider playing together again, duh! Since I had been drinking so much Jack Daniels I hadn't really paid much attention to what my friend said other than NEXT BIG THING. The quotes I posted above, I only learned of after arriving home last night. I had found out that they were a band, obviously before leaving but knew nothing more until I got home and typed in to Google! You would never imagine that these guys are on the path to super stardom by how laid back, approachable and friendly they were. I had been hanging out with the singer all night long. I had told him that each and every time that I am handed a mic, the first words out of my mouth are about never forgetting the soldiers who have served us both past and present. How I try to do anything that I can to support our troops. Well this we had in common and it struck a chord with him. He rolled up his sleeve and showed me a bracelet that he wore, help for heroes. Help for heroes is an organization similar to ones we have here in America, it's about helping those who do manage to make it home, but don't come home the same as they left. go check it out. So now, we are having this talk and I can see his band mates looking over at him like, dude, what the fuck are you doing, you are talking to this guy all night? He called the other guys over, introduced me to them and said, this is Jack Shit, he is a comedian and a writer and one funny mother fucker. With that, he pulled his bracelet off and put it on my wrist and that is where it stayed, it's mine now! What really got the party started was obviously another GREAT AMERICAN, Jack Daniels! What kept the conversation going were my silly I Know Jack Shit shirts! They were so blown away that they each wanted one and suggested that they could take them wherever they travel and take pics. I started laughing and said great idea, but it's not yours! I busted out the laptop and opened up the file with what now contains probably close to 400 photos of people around the world doing just that. They insisted that we hook up today so that they could pick up their shirts, give me their own shirts and cd and GO SHOPPING! I guess we have better "rockstar" clothes here in America than they do in the UK and you know what? These guys are going to need it. If memory serves me correctly, they are being produced by Stevie Winwood's crew and engineered by the same cat that has done some of the Rolling Stones' albums. Last night was an amazingly good time, surrounded by warm, friendly and thank God, CREATIVE PEOPLE all around and I loved it. There is so much energy around creative people that I can not help but to suck it up like a dry sponge. Last night took me back to some of the happiest times of my life when memories were made by someone just picking up a guitar or harmonica and playing. My life has always been full throttle, a seemingly out of control roller coaster that at times broken loose from the rails, but somehow I have not only managed to survive, but to thrive and it is because I am lucky enough to be surrounded by exceptional friends and I cherish each and every single one of you! Sorry this is such a long post, but fuck it, it's Sunday, what else do you have to do but sit on the net and check out posts, watch videos and if you are lucky, have enough alone time to rub one out! I hope you enjoyed this one! One day I will have to ask how this entire evening even came about? Till we see each other on the road, Keep the wind in your face, Tits in your back and The Man off your ass! Your friend, Jack Shit

Another kick in the nuts from the Universe

I awoke this morning at noon thirty or so and promptly lit a smoke and thought holy shit, I did it again, I slept till 12:00 pm, how completely pathetic. I have been hurting pretty bad since just before bike week here in Arizona and it caught up on me. Life caught up on me and death caught up on a family member! I being dicked with by a world renowned scum bag debt collector who thinks it's funny to dial my phone at 4:45 in the morning, only to hang up and to cap off my week, I was damn near arrested at the end of my own driveway. What drew the Police's attention so intently that caused this fine young lady officer to rip down the street in to a full on high speed, full throttle rear tire spinning u-turn, only to come power sliding around the corner and stop me with flashing lights, spot lights and hand on gun you ask? Well I did what every gangster, hoodlum, scumbag does to draw the police's attention, I was standing on the sidewalk at the end of the driveway with my truck parked at the curb and it's lights on. Guess she didn't like the way I was dressed. What a way to end a Friday night of one of the shittiest weeks that I have had in a long, long time. Which of course was my punishment from the Universe for having one of the best weeks in a long, long time, the week prior! As many of you know, I hurt myself pretty good during bike week, I think I may have ruptured a disc in my low back, yet another story to tell, just not now. I was finally feeling a bit better and got up and around yesterday for the first time. I mean putting my pants on without having to lay down, pulling on socks and tying my own damn shoes, it was victorious! I needed some relief and figured a good night's rest would do it. WRONG! Although I got the good night's rest, I awoke with serious pain again, all my joints hurt bad and everywhere I had ever hurt in my life or had surgery on seemed like fresh injuries again. What gives Universe? Not to mention, why is it 12:30 and it's dark out? Well we had a rare rainy day here in the valley of the sun and between the rain and the rare humidity, I felt like the lone hooker to show up at a Mormon Convention, I was hurting, sore and exhausted! We had to attend a party that we were invited to, but first we had to ride on out to the mountain that we use to live on. I hadn't really missed that place until spending time there again, it is truly spectacular. I stood outside looking at the mountains and watched coyotes walk across in front of me like they didn't give a holy hell that I was there. I took the ride with my girl to try and get some real estate contract done and then shoot over to the party. So what are you writing about Jack you ask, why the fucking weather report? I'll tell you why you are getting this from me. It's this amazing state. Amazing bad at times with it's Gestapo type of policing and Amazing good with it's views and climate. People ask where I live and I tell them simply, I live in paradise, I live in the Valley of the Sun! As I pulled up on to this guys mini ranch my eyes opened wide and my wife smiled back at me, I thought you would like to come here and wait till you meet Bob, the 78 year bachelor who's about to be remarried again next month to his hot young 72 year old girl friend. While the contracts were getting done he let me have run of the place. "Have you seen the garage yet"? Feel free to go check it out, and I did...... but first, I HAD TO BUNDLE UP TO THE DAMN NECK. One week ago today, it was 100-102 degrees, depending on where you stood in the Valley. Not so much today! Check out the video, it's short, sweet and to the point! Hope you enjoy. After the Universe kicking me in the balls, today got off to a slow start, got pretty damn cool or should I say cold in the middle and ended with an amazing good time. I am loading up some video from that and doing a bit of research to get my facts straight before I write it and post it! Hope everyone has had a great weekend and from now on I am wearing a jock strap and a cup for when the Universe decides to randomly kick me in the balls! To the World, the Universe and Mother Nature, no longer will I be unprepared. Till I see you on the road, Keep the wind in your face, Tits in your back and the Man off your ass! Your friend, Jack Shit