They are BACK! / The Chantix Diaries

Be careful what you wish for!

Before I began taking the Chantix, I was concerned about the side effects that would come with the medicine.  If you've read any of the other Chantix Diary posts, then you know what I've gone through so far.  My last post was about the fact that everything has leveled out and I was more or less feeling nothing.  The vivid dreams had gone away and within seconds of waking up, I could not for the life of me remember what I had even dreamed of only moments before.  When I first began taking the Chantix, the dreams were so vivid that I can remember virtually every detail now, nearly two weeks later.  Over the last few days had it not been for the vomiting and the stomach pain, I would swear that the package of medicine was filled with placebos.  I was on the phone with George the Painter last night as he calls me each and every day to see if I've snapped yet or if I am planning on jumping off a bridge.  I think he just wants to know so that he can come down and photograph it for his next book!  Hey, content is content and those things are hard to fill 200 pages.  Anyway, while on the phone with him, I told him that I in-fact actually missed the dreams and that I had come to enjoy them even though some of them were truly insane.  The last week or so, I've been kind of moping around right before bed time.  I was bummed out because I knew that the dreams were gone and I knew that it was going to be just another boring night of my usual, natural pattern of sleep for an hour, wake up for 30 minutes, sleep for an hour, wake up for 30 minutes all night long.

Well last night I must have gotten back to the pills in the package that actually have the medicine in them.  Not only am I still sick to my stomach and fighting puking but THE DREAMS ARE BACK!!!!  Not only are they back, but they are so vivid that as I sit here, hours later, I can remember them as if I just woke up.  As I sit here and think about them, more and more detail pours in and I'm not filling in the blanks, I'm remembering as if they had only recently happened, IN REAL LIFE.....  I'm debating on getting into any of the dreams now and sharing them with you fine folks.  But I hesitate because telling the story, sharing the dream with you in print may not have the impact of sharing it any other way.  Like I said, if I had one wish these days, I would wish that there was some sort of USB type cord that you could jam into your ear and hook that shit up to some type of memory and record these dreams.  Later, I'd be able to upload the video and share with the world just how twisted it is to exist in Jack Shit's World!

Let's just say for now that if you go on Craigslist and buy an antique fire engine for $732, I know, don't ask me where this shit comes from, you can have all kinds of fun with it and you would be surprised all the things you can drive it on, through and over and you'd be even more shocked at how many of your friends can hang off the back and sides of those things!  Also, while I'm sharing little bits and pieces from these dreams, let me share a little wisdom that I picked up last night;  don't drive a 1988 Chevy Corsica through the mountains in the winter if the head lights are not functioning correctly and if the elk is standing in front of you, hit the fucking elk and don't cut the wheel to the left or you will drive off the cliff and roll over and over and over again down the side of the mountain while your wife bitches at you that you are such a huge fuck up!  You'd be really surprised though how well you can walk after being thrown out of that vehicle as it performs its death roll down.  When I got to the bottom, Diane was shouting that she was trapped and I had to go for help.  I could here people down along the river so I walked towards them.  When I got there, a bunch of kids were jumping in and out of the river with a bunch of adults standing on the shore, drinking beer and grilling burgers.  As I approached, the guy manning the grill, beer in hand was the President of the Black Widows Motorcycle Club from the Clint Eastwood, Clyde the orangutan movies and he was pissed that I interrupted their party!  We sleep with the tv on so maybe that movie was on last night while we slept, otherwise, I have no earthy clue as to why this guy was bbq'n in my dreams.

Here is the kicker to this all and just so you will understand how real and "vivid" these dreams are.  Everything that I hurt in this massive rollover crash, which of course began to hurt more and more as I led the Black Widows back to the crash site, with the park ranger of course.....  anyway, all of these injuries began to hurt more and more as we worked our way up to pull Diane from the car and call for help.  When I woke up this morning, all the parts of me that I hurt in the "accident" hurt in real life this morning!  I'm sort of surprised that I was not covered in mud, still ringing the bell on the fire truck  and patting the head of that damn dalmatian that bit me every time I reached across the cab to shift!

Anyway, that's that!  So the wild dreams are back and as crazy as they are and as sore as I was when I woke up this morning, I really do enjoy them.  Now if I could just stop feeling sick and throwing up, I could get down to the business of quitting smoking!  Oh yeah, did I mention that for some reason, some ingredient in this medicine makes turds form inside your body that are hard as a rock, look like they are made from stone boulders and are about three times the diameter of your assholes ability to stretch!  This makes for some agonizing moments on the bowl and with each time that I push with all my might the vision of Elvis dying on the toilet comes to mind!  So now that you know more about me then my mom does and probably more than you ever wanted to.........  where do we go from here?

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back and
The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

Ass of FIRE! The Chantix Diaries

THE CHANTIX DIARIES

DAY 4
NIGHT 3

Well I've not died yet, I've not killed anyone yet and I have not felt like killing myself yet so I guess one would or rather could say, I'm off to a hell of a start!  The dreams have not been as wildly vivid and seemingly as long as the first night but they've still been a pretty wild ride.  If you did not catch the first post in this series, just below the photo on top of the blog page there are two tabs, one reads "home" the other "The Chantix Diaries", there you can read in pretty great detail the dream I had and what happened within hours of taking the first dose.  So now if you haven't read it yet, I would suggest hopping over there, checking it out and then clicking back over to this post to continue on.  If you are up to date on the first post, then by all means read away.

I was warned by the doctor that it would be a smart move to break the dose in half and begin that way so up until yesterday I was on the equivalent of 1/4 dose.  Since nothing in the opening line of this post had occured, I thought, "why listen to that silly doctor, nothing bad has happened, I must be immune to this shit"!  So I doubled up!

Chantix lesson number one that I've learned in this process is what I believe will be an important one to remember!  DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT if you ever decide to go on this medicine, eat MEXICAN FOOD at 11pm!  As one might imagine what Mexican food does to the insides of us GRINGOS, but now imagine what it does to us GRINGOS whose bodies are just getting use to a medicine that the most reported side effect is stomach pain or upset stomach?  Each night since I began this, I lay in bed hoping to fall asleep while trying to stay awake over an uneasy feeling of the "unknown".  Last night was the first time that all I wanted to do was fall asleep and I didn't care what the dreams brought!  As I lay down I could feel my stomach pain coming on.  You know when you are absolutely famished and your belly feels so empty that you think it's going to cave in?  That is what it feels like to me at least.  I sat around a campfire last night with a pharmacist and ran down what I've experienced so far and he just laughed at me.  Nice bedside manner right?  I also ran down some side effects that he had yet to ever hear about, so I've got that going for me!  Anyway, back to laying in bed and the pressure building up in my gut and the gale force winds blowing straight out of my ass!  I was sort of rolling around and pulling my knees up into fetal position and then pushing them straight and then rolling to the other side.  I had the added bonus having my mouth fill with acid virtually simultaneously with the anus RATTLING farts, so that was super cool!  I've been experiencing what one could only consider a 60 hour long fart!

Oh my my, I nearly forget to mention the true gift that comes from all this farting.  I've got so much room on my side of the king size bed now!  I need it for all the rolling around I do throughout the night but mostly I have that extra room because Diane is laying as far away as possible from me with her extra pillow over her head and the down comforter pushed so tightly around her that no air can pass through it.  I believe that it may work and no air passes through but apparently GOD AWFUL SMELL OF DEATH is not considered air because she just can't seem to get away from that.  Have you ever seen your dog right after it farts and it looks back at its own ass like "wow, did that come out of me"?  Almost immediately, the dog gets up and just walks out of the room leaving that dead goat smell for you     to savor.  Well I'm not the dog so I don't get out of bed and go foul another room, but I am very much like the dog when I actually look down at my ass and think "that could not have just come out of me" and before I even have a moment to ponder that question it is answered by the next rolling wave of stomach pain and chemical warfare emitting from my already sore from the violent vibrating sphincter! My asshole is shaking so hard that there is no way that it's not burning calories from the workout, so hey, got that going for me too!

I won't even get into the most recent dreams because they were not as amazing as my evening fighting lions on the back patio of TT's Roadhouse here in Arizona with nothing more than a bar stool.  I will say that I had no idea that when you are up in Payson and it is freezing cold and snowing like a son of a bitch out front of the house, if you want to go for a ride on the bikes, all you have to do is walk out the back door of the house where the bikes are lined up and sitting out in the bright Az sunshine!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't ask, it gets insane from here on out!  I will add however that the most amazing idea that I've ever had for a television show came to me that night courtesy of my hosting friends I love and one epic piece of shit in my dreams!  I'll let you know how that goes!

So tomorrow I begin taking the medicine twice a day, the only thing that I look to the heavens and pray for is that my ass can handle all of this.  Okay, not the only thing I can ask for.  I'm also gonna ask that Diane does not become so completely and totally disgusted by me that our new sleeping arrangements last any longer than they have to!

Until we see each other on the road again;  Have a happy, healthy and safe new year's eve everyone!  I've cancelled all plans, I'm just not up to hosting a party and for that matter, I'm not even up for going to one so it looks like it will be just Diane and your pal Jack just burning a hole in the couch from his epic ass of fire!

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit