All Great Runs Must End!

Every day in life we are forced to make decisions, some simple and some truly epic, many of which we don't even realize we are making, they just become second nature for your mind to make them on its own.  Other decisions can be monumental and the choice you make will have tremendous effect on the lives of all those around you.  Just as they say that dropping a pebble in the ocean in Australia can cause a tsunami in Hawaii, I believe this theory.  Every thing we do, whether we like it or not has a direct effect on those that surround us.  In my 44 years I've made some of the best decisions that a human being could possibly have made and on the flip side of that coin I've made some of the worst as well.  I won't get into listing all the good and I'm sure as hell not going to list ANY of the bad!  If you know me, then you probably have a good idea of what these were and if you know me well enough, you probably had a hand in helping me to make those bad decisions!  A single choice we make 10 - 20- 30 years ago that seemed so insignificant at the time can lead to catastrophic results later on down the line.  This is why now, as I grow fatter with each passing day and not giving a great flying fuck about the next for so very long, I choose to make a decision that will hopefully bring me many "next days" for a long, long time.  I've lived my life at throttle wide open, scraping a knee in turns, balls to the wall and one foot in the grave for the better part of my life.  It seemed the more dangerous the activity, the stronger my attraction was to it.  The sole fact that there was really no way to determine exactly what the outcome of a decision would be pushed me faster towards making that decision with a devil may care attitude.  The problem with running with one foot in the grave is that eventually you slow down a bit and realize that you no longer have one foot in the grave but you've sank all the way to the knee or even mid thigh and the thrill of it all begins to take a back seat to the reality of it all and better yet, THE GRAVITY of it all.

A month or so ago, those of you who are friends with me on face book or those of you who subscribe may remember me making a post asking about Chantix and asking people to offer up their first hand experiences with it.  That post quite possibly may be the most commented on post that I've ever put up and the response was an overwhelmingly bad one at that!  The stories that I read and the comments that were posted were enough to scare the living shit out of me and I don't scare off often nor easy!  I realized that if I wanted to quit smoking I was going to have to do it on my own and I would begin by cutting down and then walking away from it all once and for all!  Well I have cut down but you know what?  That insignificant decision that I made 30 years ago when that friend said try this and I did may be coming back to haunt me.  I also realized that nicotine patches are not only expensive but a total crock of shit.....   I could have stuck them to my eyeballs and not felt a damn thing.  I also realized that I don't have the willpower that I once had and that 30 year habit was quite a bit stronger than I had ever imagined.  The funny thing is that it is not for me as much about the smoke as it is the smoking.  Does that make sense to anyone?  Get in the car, light a smoke.  Finish eating, light a smoke.  Wrap up some sweet, sweet love making, light a smoke.  Wrap up some awful love making ( my fault of course) and you guessed it, light up a smoke!!!!  The time has come and I realized that I could not do it on my own and I don't have ten years of trying to quit, quitting and then starting right back up again and repeating this shit over and over.  I HAVE TO GET A HOLD OF THIS NOW AND DO IT RIGHT and pay the price and hopefully, I won't have all the awful reactions and side effects that everyone told me about.  I filled my prescription for Chantix and today, I took my first dose!

What I decided to do was document this process and hope that it gives me strength to push through and stay clean if you will.  If I don't cut these fucking things out of my life, I may not have a life anyway!  I'm not ready to go anywhere so my decision has been made.  I just hope Diane doesn't kill me in the process.  So what I'm going to do is right here and right now create "THE CHANTIX DIARIES" and keep track of what happens to me while taking it and share it with you all and hope that maybe if it goes well for me, then it may help one of you to quit.  If it goes bad for me, I'll know just when it happened and if it goes really, really bad for me, perhaps I can at the very least use the Diaries as part of my defense!  So look forward to the one thing that you will always get from me without fail, brutal honesty!  No matter what happens, good, bad, success or failure, you will know it and you will share that shit with me!

So let's begin;

Dear Chantix Diary, someone told me that when you take YOU, there is a chance that it will upset the stomach.  Today with my first dose, which I cut in half by the way hoping to build up slowly in my system before going full on into Chantix insanity, I began to experience a bit of pressure in my belly.  As I sat on the couch, lap top open and on, I could feel a less than comfortable sensation and it would rise and fall like a roller coaster.  I had to go with Diane to our nieces town home to drop off some material for her construction that is going on that Diane could not carry herself.  While carrying in the box of tile I felt that roller coaster climbing to the top again.  Once I carried in the vanity top, I began to feel that coaster racing down hill and into its first loop!  Diane had gone up stairs to check on the bathroom.  Now understand, the place is empty except for material and tools and when I tell you there was nothing to deaden the sound I mean there was nothing to deaden the sound!  I let out what quite possibly be the most powerful, longest lasting, strangest sounding fart of my life!  Now we have a running joke around here that my farts don't smell, my feet don't smell and even after working outside in the AZ desert heat and not showering, I DON'T SMELL but God made up for it by giving me a child size penis!!!  Oh well, at least I don't stink right?  I've got that to be thankful for right?  Well let's just say I use to have that to be thankful for!  Not only in what seemed to be a split second after the actual rocket propelled fart ended and my anus began to feel like someone had jammed the neck of a broken bottle straight up my ass from my sphincter vibrating so hard did I realize that in all my life, all the food that I've eaten, all the partying that I've done, I've never in my life had a fart smell like this!!!  The smell filled the entire first floor of a town home instantly!  The place was engulfed!  It was as if the enemy had just released chemical weapons upon us!  I was both ashamed and oddly proud in that moment!  Diane came down the steps and said "holy shit, was that you or is there a dead hooker in the closet"?  I said "yes, it was me and no dead hooker in the closet, I think there is one in my ass"!  Now I have not farted again since this relationship changing fart and for that I am grateful but one has to wonder, if this was half the dosage on the very first day, only hours after taking the first dose, what the hell do I have in store for me?

So that was it, my first Chantix Diary post.  I don't know what making this decision will bring to me or what effect it will have but whatever it will be, it will be right here on this silly friggin blog!  The reason that I used the photo at the top of this post was because I'm hoping it will be the last drawing, photo or video ever taken of me with a smoke in my hand!  Wish me luck!  Thank you Ms. Pinky Pancake from Sacred Skin Tattoo for the drawing, I love it!

Until we see each other on the road again;

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back and
The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit