MY KINGDOM FOR A FART / the Chantix Diaries

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The Chantix Diaries

Day: Unknown
Night: Can't remember

I've gone from questionable pressure in my stomach and high volume, turbo farting to crushing, doubled over stomach pain and haven't had an honest fart in nearly two days!  Who would have ever imagined that I would desperately miss asshole tearing, violent farts?  Not me, I can assure you of this!  Certainly not Diane either.  If I were a conspiracy theorist, I would be leaning towards the belief that Diane put crazy glue or something in my last few meals of P.F. Changs, because immediately upon finishing a meal that usually creates a biblical bowel movement, the farting stopped, the thought of taking a good dump has become a New Year's wish and each time I stand or lift something, it feels like I'm getting a prison shank in the left side of my gut and rib cage!  The truly worrisome part of all this is that I've for the most part only been taking at best, half the dosage.

For now, I've come to grips with the wild dreams.  Normally, I have insane dreams anyway.  I don't know if it is because of things I've gone through in my life, the abuse as a child or the fact that I fall asleep with the television on that drives the madness that has happened damn near every night of my life for the last 30 years.  What I have noticed is that the type of dreams that I've had for these last 30 years have for the most part gone away and believe me when I tell you that is a welcome gift.  I no longer find myself sitting straight up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat, breathing heavy and freaking out.  Now I just have high definition, 3D dreams that feature people I've not seen or thought of in years, joining me on my wild ride so I guess in a way it's nice to see them again.  Another blessing has been that since the very first night on Chantix, I've not had to battle any more lions!  The first two nights the dreams were really intense and for the very first time in my life, I could remember every single detail of the dream, no matter how small they are or were.  Typically, within moments if not minutes, it was like I never dreamed at all.  I remember NOTHING!  Those first two nights, now what seems like months ago are long gone but I can still remember virtually every detail.  Over these past few nights, the dreams are just as interesting and often wild and when I awake, I remember what was happening prior to waking up but I have to try in the morning to remember what I was dreaming last night.  If I try hard enough, I can remember some of the details.  For the most part, I sort of miss the detailed memory of the dreams.  I am however still on only a partial dose so maybe as I up the meds, this will come back.

Since leaving the doctor with the prescription in hand and a poor outlook, I've tried cutting down on smoking so that I might have an edge going into trying the Chantix.  I'm not going to lie, after having posted up the question on FaceBook asking for people's personal experience with this medicine, I was pretty fucking scared to ever even try it and for that matter, I am still genuinely concerned about what will happen to me as I increase the dosage!  It is time for me to quit smoking one way or another and I am not a fan of failing at anything, it is not an option for me.  I've been riding out the cravings as best I can and since you can still smoke on the medicine until it builds up in your system, I still am.  The good news that I do have to report is that for nearly 30 years, I've smoked a pack a day.  Sure when I was partying or working 18 hour days I would smoke more, but there were days that I would smoke less so really I can say that I'm a pack a day smoker.  Over the last 5 days, I've smoked 2 packs of cigarettes and I seem to be smoking less and less and I'm pretty sure that the Chantix has not taken hold deeply enough in my brain to effect the smoking but it has grabbed on enough to twist my mind and stomp my guts.  So there is both good and bad going on here.  I have no choice but to accept whatever side effects come with taking this process, I'm going to beat these fucking things if I have to bash someone's skull in to do it!

They say that you need to watch for unbalanced temper, stomach pain, irritability, depression and thoughts of suicide or increased level of and or violent thoughts or actions......  I've felt myself becoming a bit more easily annoyed but it doesn't seem to last and I'll take that over the other possibility for damn sure!  Diane may beg to differ and you will have to ask her if I've been any more of a prick than usual, she is probably too afraid to answer me honestly.....  AND SHE DAMN WELL BETTER BE!  What I have noticed is that within a short time of taking the medicine, I get the most hollow feeling in my stomach as if I were starving.  They say to take the medicine with food but I really only eat once a day.  Since starting this shit, I'm insatiable hungry.  It's like I'll eat anything that comes my way.  So now I'm trying to balance the breaking of the habit of smoking and the virtual vacuum my fat ass is rapidly becoming.

I do have some reservations though and a few fears as well.  I worry most about the poor bastard who raises their voice at me, I worry about hurting the people that I love but mostly, I worry about the poor jerkoff who points a finger at me, especially if that fool points it anywhere near my face and more accurately towards my mouth as I will either try to light that shit and smoke it or bite that thing off and eat it!  Since we are on this topic of devouring things, I'm so desperate to begin farting again to relieve some of this insane pressure building inside me that I made the command decision and a very dangerous, risky one at that!  I decided to take a chance, go for broke, let the shit fall where it may, you see what I'm going for here right?  I ATE A BIG BOWL OF CHILI WITH CHEESE AND TORTILLA CHIPS!  As of the time of updating this blog, the results are not yet in.  I may pay for this decision dearly but only time will tell on that.....  all I know is that if I don't get a reasonably effective fart soon the pain will grow more intense and I could quite possibly explode!!!  Keep your fingers crossed!

At this point, it's all becoming a blur!  I want to wish you all, my friends, the happiest new year ever.  I hope and pray for much needed relief for many of us who have suffered so terribly over this past year.  I pray that ALL OF OUR TROOPS soon return home to the people who love them safe and sound and get to begin their new year with a fresh start and awake in their own home wrapped around them the arms of their loved ones.  I hope and pray that those of you, well us, that are sick get well and that those who are healthy right now won't get sick.  May the economy grow, jobs begin to flow and prosperity come to all that we know.....  yeah yeah yeah, okay, I was just throwing a little Jack Shit poetry at you right there, hope you liked it!  My biggest wish is that the long missing KARMA makes an appearance soon and delves out some much needed justice for so many!  They say Karma is a mother fucker and I surely hope it is true.

Until we see each other on the road again;

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back and
The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit