It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Who the Fuck Do People Think THEY ARE?

Well you are doomed if you don't do something about it right away!  Who is the psycho and just whose destiny is this maniac in charge of you ask?  Well allow me to take you on a 60 mile round trip ride and you will understand.  I will tell you this for starters, the psycho in this instance is a driver and here is what he drives.
As you guys know, back in August I had the great honor of hosting the Broken Spoke Saloon Campground out in Sturgis, South Dakota for the 71st annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally and on many levels it was amazing.  The venue itself, with its location at Bear Butte is majestic, the people who stop in, shake your hand and take a pic with you come from all over the globe, the vendors, the campers, the bartenders the bosses and even the guys in charge of production make the entire experience absolutely stellar!  I have a strange work ethic for an emcee.  Instead of doing my "bit" and disappearing and going back to sleep or going and hanging out in the A/C or being a stuck up snob, I love to hang out with the crew!  From the bar backs who drag away the empties to the guys working the parking lot and I especially like to hang out with the guys who do lights and sound.  I never leave, I never sit, I never stop.  This year, I got to meet this great sound guy named Wes Whitman, he was working for Parr Sound and he was running the board inside the main bar at the Spoke.  Having a similar background in what I use to do and what he does now, we hit it off pretty quick!  By the end of the rally, we were bros for life!  It's like going in to battle.  You never forget the men who fought and died by your side.  I was sad when the rally was over, it is always really hard to ride away and leave everyone behind when the rally ends.  I had no idea when I would see this cat again!
Here was my view of Wes, day and night during the rally.

..... and this was Wes' view of me all day and night.

Yesterday, while sitting in the doctors office, my phone makes the funny lil sound it makes when I get a message.  Each time I hear it I am sort of shocked.  Not because I got a message, but because the damn thing is actually working!  HOW FAR ARE YOU FROM SCOTTSDALE MAN?  "Well, depending on where in Scottsdale, anywhere from 10 minutes to 30 minutes, why", I asked back.  Well we plan on parking at the Scottsdale Mall overnight.   I said "hell man, that's not far at all, I'll come see you, let's party it up".  Call you when we get in to town man!  Since I hadn't seen him since August this was a great surprise.  After the knucklehead sent me the wrong number to reach him, we finally got to talking on the phone, you know, the way our ancestors use to do! 

First off, I had to know what the hell they were parking at the mall and why it was being parked there.  I knew of no bike events in or around town.  I didn't know of any big bike events in Cali. or Nevada that were about to happen or that had just happened.  So of course I asked and the answer made me really happy for him. "I'm on a tour bus brother" was his answer.  I caught a tour and not just any tour, I got on the number one tour in the USA right now, Five Finger Death Punch and Hatebreed and I'm touring with the opening act Rains!  I was so thrilled for him.  I could hear how very happy he was in his voice.  I suggested that they take the idea of parking the bus in the mall and stuff it up some one's ass.  My second suggestion was to gather up all the buses and all the bands and come park them at my place.  I've got the pool, all kinds of bedrooms, an extra apartment, laundry facilities, pool table, booze and I even offered to cook up some of my famous fixins!  FUCK YEAH MAN, WHAT A GREAT IDEA, LET ME ROLL IT PAST THE SINGER AND I'LL HIT YOU BACK!  Cool!  Well I'm jumping on my bike right now to run and pick up a check, I'll call you back in 40 minutes when I get off the bike, fair enough?  I take the ride, pick up the check and I call him back and I swear to God, a different person answered the phone!  So I ask, what's going on man, you okay?  THIS IS WHERE THE MADNESS BEGINS!  The driver of the bus said no!  He got in to a huge fight with the assistant tour manager and refuses to drive the bus another inch!  He has pulled off in to a truck stop in inner city ghetto Phoenix!  He says "dude, homeless people are asking to wash the wheels on the bus, this is fucked up"!  So now I'm confused!  I'm going to sleep the driver says and walks off like a child and instead of taking his ball and leaving, he more or less took his bus keys and crawled in to his bunk.  I would officially call this guy A LIL FUCKING BITCH but would not want to offend any lil bitches anywhere by putting this dick in their category!  He stopped the bus 20 minutes from where they were supposed to park for the night, 30 minutes from my house!  Well this made me so pissed!  I was not going to have my friend, stuck in a crack head and lot lizard filled truck stop in Phoenix!

I had a better idea.... grab your gear, get your laundry ready, JACK SHIT to the rescue!  I am bringing you all back to my house!  I'm not going to have you robbed, raped or human trafficked while aimlessly wandering around all night in the farthest, darkest back corner of a massive parking lot!  They were thrilled to say the least.  They could not believe that I was going to drive 30 miles to come pick them up, only to bring them back another 30 at 2am to get on the bus to drive away, when their own fucking bus driver who is being paid to drive them around wouldn't!!!!  FUCKING PSYCHO!!!!

So I roll on up to pick them up and one by one they all come off the bus, introducing themselves to me, thanking me profusely and smiling!  I have freed them from their prison!  One of the first guys off the bus is leaning against the back of my truck and starts reading my back window stickers.  DARK STAR TATTOOWHO THE FUCK IS ROADSIDE MARTY and so on.  These guys are all in the Horse Mag!  I said oh yeah man, those guys are my friends, every sticker on here!  As it turns out, he is a huge fan of all things CHOPPER and loves GEORGE THE PAINTER's and Charlie the Nomad's writing!  I said "no shit, small world man".  GTP is one of my dearest friends in the whole world, he spent the whole day at my house yesterday, I couldn't get rid of him!  My wife got Charlie the Nomad and his girl Jill there house too, they live 8 doors down from us on the same street.  "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE MAN"!  No I won't, I'm serious!  Now the first problem arises, there are seven of us, my truck can pretty much hold 5 men.  Here I am thinking that it is freezing out.  The AZ night time temps have dropped to a drastic 67 degrees.  We will ride in the bed of the truck, we don't care, just take us with you, don't leave us here!  That is just what we did!  We drove 80 mph down the freeway with a lunatic biker behind the wheel and band members and management jammed in to every open spot in the truck!  Off to the JACK SHIT resort and day spa for wayward rock stars!  I had a surprise for my new friend... I reached out to Charlie the Nomad and told him that he had a huge fan of his at my house, would he come down and say hello? 

Well I guess the above photo is the answer to that question!  Diane being her amazing and Italian self said hello to everyone and asked the first question any Italian woman asks, did you guys eat?  NO WE ARE STARVING!  Well what could we do?  Diane jumped in the truck and took off for the store for groceries and I filled the biggest pot we have with water to boil.  It was time for JACK SHIT'S famous penne with vodka sauce!  Before Diane left, she went in to the safe, grabbed her trusty Glock 9mm and put it in her purse.  You see, the day before, the mirror of our truck bumped in to the mirror of another while she was pulling in to a spot at the very store she was going to.  In the truck were four of the meanest, stone loco, Mexican girls you'd never want to meet.  Diane apologized, there was no damage and the girl went nuts!  I mean nuts... this is another story to tell all together but they tried to chase Diane home from the store that day.  I'll fill you all in on that one another time!  I whipped up some dinner while the boys held a SAFETY MEETING on the back patio.  The house went from calm and quiet to stone bat shit crazy lunacy when these guys walked in.  Both dogs barked non stop, which made the bird start screaming at the top of it's lungs......  it was now JACK SHIT'S ZOO! 
As it turns out, these poor guys had not had a home cooked meal in not much short of what seemed to be a lifetime!  They were so very grateful and my friends, that touches me!  I am grateful for all I have, for all I receive and hell, I'm even grateful for the bad things that have happened because they have made us the people we are today!  So for me to see these six guys all equally thankful and so humble for so little hit me in the heart and made me so glad I decided to not let some lunatic ruin their night and cause a rift in the band with all the drama that he had stirred up already!  The best part was that they were not just happy because they had some food in front of them, they were really digging the ever loving shit out of my Penne with Vodka Sauce.  I just laughed and said "well I told you I was famous for it, didn't you believe me"?  Plates were filled again and again and that made me so thrilled.  When I had gotten to the truck stop to pick them up, they were kind enough to immediately hand me a t'shirt and a cd, so I put it in while we were eating and it was kick ass!  As you guys know, I only tell the truth, so believe me, if it sucked, I wouldn't have even brought the subject up!  So go check these dudes out and go see them on the SPREADING THE WELT TOUR, you will not regret it!  We finished eating and just began to chill out while their laundry tumbled away in the washer.

We made a pact last night that we would never forget the pasta and that no matter how many years pass us on by, our code word for when we meet or if we ever find ourselves up to no good would be PASTA!  Don't tell anyone though, okay?  Good!  Some kicked it on the patio and spoke about how they were going to deal with this nut job on the bus.  Imagine this if you will;  You are driving down the road 75 mph or so and this lil jerkoff is in a pissy mood or wants to fuck with you so out of nowhere, he just jams the brakes!  Somebody could have fallen and cracked their skull or broke an arm or fingers!  Imagine having to explain to the promoter and the headliners that YES WE ARE HERE, ON TIME, BUT CAN'T PLAY because our guitar player's fingers were broken while trying to break his fall because the bus driver was mad at someone!  It is just madness....  others found spots on the couch and kicked back, made themselves at home and caught some much needed REM sleep!  Beer still in hand for the record!
Some caught up on emails and facebooking and swore to their old ladies that they were really at a place called Jack Shit's house and no, they were not on drugs. 
I opened up the doors, front and back and let the incredible dessert night air blow through the house!  By now the bird was only screaming every few minutes and the dogs were hardly barking at all.  Whiskey was being bribed with food to be quiet and Jager just held his toy in his mouth, ready to play at a moments notice with anyone who would throw the damn thing!  We headed off in to the pool room to knock some balls around.  First thing I had to do was change it from the I Know Jack Shit shirt shipping station back to a pool table! 

Notice all them there boxes of Shit Shirts?  Well you guys asked for them, so keep the orders coming, MAMA needs her meds!  The bull shittin went on and we shared war stories of life, love and performing.  I began to tell the story of the first night that I had ever performed stand up.  It was insane!  The pressure that I had put upon myself to knock it out of the park would have made a mere mortal crumble!  I played to a full on packed house and my nerves were getting the best of me.  I had taken half of a xanex so that I would not run out the back stage door and that didn't help.  Before I had gone on, I had two Jack n Cokes and walked on to the stage with a third.  I was set to go on at a certain time and that is normally set in stone.  I was coming on stage to this bad ass Rehab song that I loved.  I looked at my stop watch that I use to time performances and knew that I had plenty of time to chill but chilling wasn't in the cards!  I was freaking out!  So I continued the story with them.  I had figured out that my stomach was so messed up, I could just imagine full on diarrhea on stage and that would not be funny.  The bathroom was right next to the back stage entrance so I snuck in and took a seat just as a precaution.  With that my bowels explode!  Just as the second wave of internal system dump lets loose, I am sitting on the bowl in a full on sweat, doubled over with stomach pain and I hear my stage entry song begin to play!  HOLY FUCKING SHIT, literally!  They were laughing there asses off at the story when I realized that I had that first ever show on video, ya wanna see it I asked?  So we all sat down around the tv and watched.  Everyone was laughing at the show and as it turns out, we watched the entire show.  I had not seen this video in a long, long time and it took me back!  I snuck away for a few minutes to the patio for a smoke and I could hear everyone laughing hysterical inside the house.  Not courtesy laughing because I was there, I wasn' t there any longer, they were genuinely laughing at the show and nothing on earth makes me happier!  This truly was a great night with new friends! 

After a while, we all ended up back out on the patio.  Anyone who needed to, got their laundry done, anyone who needed one, took a shower and then just stretched out on patio chairs!  For the next hour, the guys filled me in on all the antics that this driver has pulled and all the drama that he has caused and then they dropped the bomb on me!  They had been on this tour, now get this, for ten days!  Yes, this piece of shit has caused all this trouble in less than two weeks and they have fifty more dates to play before Christmas.

So here they are, first major US tour, chance of a lifetime to show the world what they got.  Instead of relaxing or partying their asses off like musicians on the damn road are supposed to do, they are having to sneak away to speak because they are afraid the fucking bus driver will hear them.  This mental patient is holding their lives in his nutty hands!  I liken it to things such as this;  you make a plan for the night, person X is the designated driver, it is set in stone.  Everyone gets twisted up and on your way out to the car, you find your DD throwing up drunk over the rear bumper, or referee in charge of the game is gambling and purposely moving things in the direction that suits his own personal agenda.  This guy is not on this tour because it is HIS TOUR, he is on board for this tour because it is THEIR TOUR!  YOU ARE THE BUS DRIVER MOTHER FUCKER, DRIVE THE FUCKING BUS!!!  As a matter of fact, how about we try this, DRIVE IT WHERE WE TELL YOU TO DRIVE IT!  This guy takes the bus to places and stops because it is near a long lost friend of his or because it is near a casino.  In another life, this guy performed a job much like the management is doing for this band and obviously he wasn't very good at it.  He undermines each and every decision that the managers make because he knows better and you have to do it his way or he jams on the brakes or just parks the bus and puts the band in time out!  I believe that the facts show us that he does not know better or he would be a tour manager, a band manager or anything other than the bus driver!  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that driving the tour bus is a lowly job or anything.  Given the opportunity, I would love to do it myself.  Open road, freedom, new people, new places and ROCK N ROLL each and every night, that just rules!  How the hell can you not be happy with that?  The more these guys spoke, the more upset that I became because these guys were now my friends and you folks know how I feel about friendship!  I was ready to drive back to that bus, grab the driver and his bags and toss his ass off of the bus!  You like this truck stop so much you piece of shit, then stay here!  In speaking to these guys, all of them, you could see how level headed they were and how intelligent.  What they needed was a break from the fighting, the drama and the bullshit of this guy before the whole tour got screwed because they were all locked up for murder!  By the grace of God and because of the friendship I formed with Wes in Sturgis, I was able to get them that break!  They were so kind and so thankful for what Diane and I had done for them that they wouldn't stop saying it.  These guys were nothing but class! 

My buddy Wes had told them when they asked about the stacks of shirts and hoodies on the pool table and he explained to them what they were and why I did it and how all the proceeds went to helping with Diane's medical costs.  The very next thing I know, I am getting handed twenty dollar bills from nearly every hand in the house!  It was nice to know instantly, rather than wondering later about these guys and who they were or what they were about, these guys were plain and simple, the real deal!  The kind of guys that you could use the phrase "what's up brother" and not feel like a phony for saying it!  Of course there was no way that I could let this moment pass without grabbing a shot of it, so Diane picked up the camera and snapped off a few!  We took the first one but had to wake the damn drummer up for the second.  See, I told ya, REM sleep!
Look at the look on his face.  Here is a guy who only a few short hours ago was on the verge of pushing someone out the door of a moving bus and now look at him!  I would say that the band Rains great escape from the truck stop from hell had worked and it was my great honor to have driven the getaway truck!
 This was a great shot of an exceptional night of getting to know new friends, listening to great music, sharing stories and an old guy like me offering these youngsters some of the lessons I've learned over the years!  I won't soon forget it.  But wait, what is missing from the photo above?  Oh yeah, our sleeping beauty, who out of nowhere, hopped up, pushed his way past the end table and made it just in time to get in the next shot!  I think but I'm not sure, are his eyes still closed in the shot?
Departure time for the bus was 2 am.  I had to get them back because who knew what this fucktard would pull next.  Would he leave without the band if they were not back on time?  Who knew?  Would he lock them out of the bus to teach them a lesson?  Who knew?  Would they come back to find two dead Phoenix hookers chopped in to pieces while he rolled dice across their stomachs?  Who knew?  All I knew is that these guys needed to be in El Paso, Texas before show time and it is now the very same day!  Laundry was quickly folded and packed up and we loaded the truck!  My new friends from Indiana who laughed at me because I said that it was chilly out, now had to take the thirty mile return trip in the back of a pick up.  Only this trip was different.  Now they were well fed, clean and tired!  Although it was 60 degrees, it was a dessert 60 degrees and folks, that puts a chill in the air!  Some how, some way and suddenly, my truck now held six passengers!  It was poor old Wes that took the trip back solo in the bed of the truck and he had a smile on his face ear to ear the entire way!  We arrived back at the bus and Mr. Rains himself says "you ain't just gonna pull away are you"?  No, why?  "Because I'm going to hug the shit out of you" he said!  Not to mention, don't you want to see where we live?  Well hell yeah I do!  I love tour buses, some things you just can't shake!  I think though, theirs may be haunted!  Well you take a look and decide for yourself.  I don't really believe in that shit, but some photos are hard to explain!

 I was asked if I'd like to see the rear lounge and although I was a bit nervous because I know what happens in the rear lounge of tour buses, I could not resist!  What can I say, I TAKE CHANCES!  Plus, when the day comes that this band is huge, I can look back and say "oh yeah, I was in the rear lounge of the bus with the band and I didn't even have to blow anyone"!
As I made my way from the rear lounge of the bus back towards the front, not having to wipe the sides of my mouth I might add, I said a quick quiet blessing to the POWERS THAT BE and asked that this bus be blessed and carry my newest friends safely to wherever they may roam.  As I stepped back to the front of the bus, I snapped one last photo from the exact spot I stood only minutes earlier and shot the same exact shot that I took earlier, nothing had changed.  Well nothing had changed but the results of the photo!
Perhaps the presence of the Right Reverend, Jack Shit on the bus scared those evil demons away or when the bus driver came back from the shower and got on the bus, they climbed right back in to his crazy, lunatic soul!

So I say this to you my friends and I say it from experience and the heart.  Keep your mind as well as your heart open.  Don't just shut strangers out!  Be open minded with each person who crosses your path in life because the universe puts them there for a reason, a test perhaps, to see what you do and then it rewards or punishes you accordingly! Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to just let every pocket picking piece of shit right in to your lives and give them the key to your daughters bedroom.  I'm just saying keep an eye out and your mind open.   Had I been the typical arrogant performer, I would have never hung out with the crew guys who turned out to be nothing but righteous people.  Had we not become friends in Sturgis because Wes was just as kind and open hearted as I was, this night would not have happened.  He would have never touched base with me for being in town.  I would have never gone and rescued them and I would not have made these new excellent friends!  Nor would I have a new kick ass CD in the player to listen to while I wear my new Rains T'shirt, which reads across the back........  oh hell, why tell ya when I can show you.... check it out.

Now if that is not a fashion STATEMENT, I don't know what is! 

Make the best of each day for we never know if there will ever be a tomorrow.  Surround yourselves with people who have earned the love and respect that you give and when you give it, give it with all you got!  Weed out the pieces of shit who have typically through no fault of your own other than kindness, found there way in to your heart and home.  People have asked me... but what about second chances, people changing for the better?  For this, my experience tells me this answer.  When you are looking down at your sidewalk and you see a small weed coming up between the cracks, you know it is a weed!  Right now, it is small, it has caused you no trouble and has yet to become a huge pain in the ass.  Right now it is easy as hell to just rip it right out and it is gone.  Some people want to wait and watch and as the weed grows taller and stronger and its roots bury deep under the concrete, they wait and hope that the weed changes, they wait to see if the weed will turn in to a rose bush or another beautiful flower.  It can't, it is a weed!  It will never be anything more than a weed!  If you don't deal with the weeds, they will grow in and over run your property and then what?  Then my friends, you are screwed!  So keep an eye out for the weeds and pull them promptly and without a second thought, they will never become that palm tree you always dreamed of napping under!

As a side note to the story, I'd like to add this after its original writing.  I wrote this but did not publish it as I wanted to make sure that it was okay to tell the tale.  I checked in on my friends to see how they made out on their trip to Texas.  The text I got back was this and I quote "Day went great"!  "Hell Yeah man, thanks again for everything, you're the reason everything went great"!

If that is not something that makes ya feel great, I don't know what would be!  I'm truly grateful these guys rolled to a stop and right on in to my life!  Then I got a message from Jason Anderson, the guitar player reading "check out Speaking Rock El Paso's website".  So I did and this is what I found....  so now I say to you guys, THANK YOU!  I wish you epic success on this tour for the future my friends!

Not only an exceptional guitar player but obviously a man with a great sense of fashion!  Thanks man, you rule!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass
and oh yeah, go see my new friends Rains on the Sharing the Welts tour!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

This makes me want to smash my fingers with a hammer!


RIGHT NOW...........  RIGHT FUCKING NOW........  Our great country or should I say our once great country is borrowing 4 Billion Dollars per day.... yes, 2 million dollars per MINUTE.  That is not a misprint, 2 million dollars per minute from CHINA!

We have let our politicians run wild for far too long.  It does not matter which side of the aisle you are on, what you believe or where you stand.  THIS IS A DISGRACE!  I knew things were awful, I knew we were borrowing money like "your junkie friend", but until you see what the number actually is, you realize this is madness!

But just to show how screwed up these folks are, who spend our money like drunken sailors in port, no only are we borrowing this money from China, but we then give them BILLIONS of dollars in aid...  are we not just giving them their own money, but we are paying them interest to give them back their own money... and what the hell does China need our aid for?  Folks, I just shake my head, is there an answer, will there be a fix, can there be a fix?  I don't honestly know. 

The truly horrifying part is that although this sounds like madness or I sound like a maniac, are we heading towards the USA becoming a third world country?  Don't laugh.... 

Think about this.... really, take a moment and think about this.  China is a Communist country.  We are fighting around the world and giving up a nations greatest resource, its youth to help bring freedom to those who do not have it.  In order to be able to pay the tab for these wars, we have had to borrow it from people who offer their own citizens, NO FREEDOM!  WTF?  So now, we all see the TV shows, the movies or some have lived it and grown up around the not so scrupulous, "local money lender", the "loan shark" the "mobster" down the street.  Does anyone remember what happens when you get behind on payments?  What happens when you default on paying back the money you owe to those guys?  Either the lender himself or his crew pays you a visit, busts you up a bit to scare you in to paying and then they leave.  If you really get behind, they wipe out the debt by wiping you off the face of the earth.  Sometimes, the debtor is so scared they get a gun and shoot one of the "collectors" and then they are truly doomed.  This is how I look at this money borrowing from China.  China is the local Mob guy down the street.  One day soon, we will not be able to pay them the money we owe them or we are going to be late and they are going to send their knee breakers over to pay us a visit.  We will then have to defend ourselves out of fear and it's on like Donkey Kong! 

HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU BORROW MONEY FROM YOUR ENEMY AND EXPECT IT TO WORK OUT FOR THE GOOD IN THE END?  Someone please, answer this question, I just don't get it?

I am sorry to go on a political rant here.  I try to avoid this at all costs.  When I saw the Senator spill out that number today like it was nothing, my blood boiled!  Oh yeah and as long as I am pissed and have your eyes open, A JUDGE IN FLORIDA, JUST ALLOWED SHARIA LAW TO DETERMINE THE OUTCOME in a case down there!  We are now allowing  Sharia Law here in the USA!  Folks what do we do?

Someone please give me an answer because I just don't have any!

Until we see each other again on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and the Man off your ass!

Your confused friend,
Jack Shit

Some things you never forget, this time will be one of them!


Sometimes in life, you have to pass up something you know to be good to do something that you can only hope will be great.  These past few weekends I've done just that.  As I wrote about a few weeks ago, I had given my word to friends about performing their wedding ceremony and I had to pass on Las Vegas Bikefest.  As it turned out, I got to do a wedding in the OK Corral, how can you beat that shit?  This past weekend, I found myself in similar circumstances.

If you may remember, last years Arizona Bike Week was fantastic for me and that was mostly because I was invited to host the rally at the Dirty Dogg Saloon.  Everyone there welcomed me like a long lost brother who had been sold off or traded for a new pair of shoes when I was a baby and just found my way home!  It is not that often that you just instantly find yourself welcome somewhere and the feeling was pretty damn good.  In "making myself at home" there, I got to know the staff  and they were just honest to God, real down to earth, kick ass people!  In getting to know them, I got to know the bar manager who just lost her dad.  Outside the bar I got to know her man who had just lost his son.  In the midst of all of this tragedy, they fell crazy in love and got engaged.  I was so touched by the love they had, I offered to perform their ceremony!  Now this was all the way back during AZ Bike Week.  As you guys know, life changes pretty quickly and things come in and out of your life without notice or planning. 

So as we got closer to the dates of these weddings, I remembered that I had also booked a wedding on a paddle boat here on Canyon Lake.  This would have been amazing!  By the grace of God, I got bumped from the wedding because the parents were paying for it and I was far too appalling and unacceptable for their tastes!  Oh the luck!  That freed up this upcoming weekend for us!  As you guys know, this year has been pretty good for me and my career.  My stand up comedy has taken me places that were truly unexpected.  The blog I never wanted to start, this one you are reading right now has blown up and is now read in more than 90 countries around the world!  I thank you all for that!  My skills at hosting events and my ability to bring something no one else can, as an emcee has finally been noticed by all the right people and I have been welcomed on as the host of the Broken Spoke Saloon and I've never been more proud to be involved with an organization.  We have put together, if I must say so myself, one hell of a team and plan to beat the ever loving shit out of the 2012 Rally Season!  Keep your eyes open for big stuff coming from the Spoke!  My writing caught the eye of Chris Callen and crew over at Cycle Source magazine and I was brought on as part of the team over there.  When you rely on survival based on your creativity, it is horrifying at times to face the day!  For me to be recognized for it, well let me just say, it gives you a little more strength in your backbone to stand up and continue the good fight!  The fight to never compromise, to at all costs, always stay true to myself and remain true to what has given me the small amount of notoriety that I have and that is being always, 100% brutally honest!  L,L,H and R folks, LOVE, LOYALTY, HONESTY (normally, the H stands for Honor but Honesty is also appropriate) and RESPECT, is the only formula to live by and it pays off in the end, I promise!

Another side effect of the successful roll that I am on is that I get invited to take part in things that perhaps I would not have been at an earlier time in my life or career.  These things happen fast because I never made plans to be there in the first place.  This weekend was one of those times.  It had been damn near insisted upon that I attend the Love Ride in California.  I had every single intention on doing just that!  Biketoberfest in Daytona at the Spoke came up as well!  At least with that, I had some reasonable advance notice!  I had an amazing 75 day period where there was virtually not a moment that hadn't been booked and it's a great feeling.  Well it is a great feeling until you realize that you have several things booked on the same day!  Or for the same week!  Shit, the same weekends!  I had a choice to make, I could go to the Love Ride and blow off this wedding that the bride and groom had to literally battle with family members to have me perform or I could do what a man is supposed to do and keep his word!  If you know me in the least, then you know what I did.... if you don't, then I'll tell you.  I performed the wedding!  This was no makeshift quickie wedding either, this was a 200+ person festival of a wedding weekend!
With all the confusion and decisions that had to be made, there was one that was the easiest to make and that was that no matter what, rain or shine, dust storm or tsunami in the middle of the dessert, I was riding to wherever I was going!  Saturday came and after having been down in Daytona for Biketoberfest and watching everyone ride in and out of the Spoke on their bikes and leaving and arriving myself in a fucking Nissan Sentra, I had to get back on two wheels at any cost!  Quite unlike myself, I awoke before my alarm went off by nearly an hour.  Finally, after buying the bike a month ago, I got it registered the night before and I could now get on the damn thing and ride off in to the sunset!  HELL YEAH!  So I rolled it out of the garage, excited as all hell to be able to ride the damn thing.  I took out some cleaning supplies and figured what the hell, why not clean it at least once while I own it!  The night I rode it home, I left it parked, spotless under the carport.  I was too tired to put it in the garage.  I locked it and left it!  If you know anything about my luck then you already know that of course a massive dust storm hit Arizona and the bike was caked in shit!  I get the bike all cleaned up, I have time to spare and a smile creeped across my lips!  It's going to be a great day, no scratch that, it's going to be a great weekend!  I turned the ignition, hit the start button and got wurr wurr wurr, click click click......... NO FUCKING WAY?   Yes, the battery was dead!  Son of a bitch!  Luckily I had time to charge it enough to start it, then hoped and prayed that the 90mph ride there would charge it up enough to start again for the ride home and it did!  Back on track again!  This was the first time I rode the bike without the fear of it getting impounded and taken away and it was a shocking surprise to say the least.  I have got to give it to Harley for putting out the Road Glide.  For a guy who said he would never again own a bagger, I am sure glad I picked up this lil lady! 

I rolled up to the place where the wedding was to be held and as I rode through the entry I was blown away!  The place was called the Boojum Tree and it's in Phoenix.  I had been told that the place kicked ass and other great things along with wait till you see it.  I've heard this before, the "wait till you see it" line and typically, the wait is not worth it.  In this case, it was so worth it!  I even arrived after making several wrong turns, early.  This is also unheard of on my part!  I was on a roll!  I only wish that I had taken some time to shoot some pics of the place but if you have the time, Google that shit.  My friends at Two Gals Event Planning (I wish I knew how to add links) put together a truly spectacular event!  Not just a wedding, but an event!  This is a first class operation and if you find yourself in need of no bullshit, fantastic event planning I highly recommend this company!  I say Google that shit too!  If that is not enough, in there "spare" time and at their own cost, run a wild life rescue operation.  Yes, wildlife!  Dessert Tortoise, Hawks, Eagles, Owls and such.  I truly don't know how they find the time to do what they do, but we are all lucky that they find it!  The rehearsal went off like clock work.  Okay, like a broken clock, but we wound it up and then it ran like a Rolex. 

Sunday morning came quickly.  I had not gotten much sleep at all.  I had spent more than four hours working and re working the wedding ceremony.  It was different than anything that I had done prior and it had to be spot on!  I wanted this to go off as well as the place, the planning and the people involved.  Better yet, to be quite frank, I wanted this to go off better than all of that!  I WAS GOING TO KNOCK THIS FUCKER OUT OF THE PARK!  I pulled out my favorite, most expensive, most BAD ASS gangster suit that I had.  Sounds easy right?  Not if you have not put one on in over 7 years.  Shit, I didn't even know where they were since the move.  I don't mean the move from town to town, I mean the move from Jersey to AZ!  Where to even look was the biggest question?  I had far too much shit to bring up so we had to take the truck, damnit!  Hey, at least I got a hundred mile ride in the day prior.  I was loading up the truck and walked back in the house to see Diane come walking down the hall from the bedroom and she looked smoking hot!  I am one lucky fool who has no idea what I must have done in a past life to have been rewarded with having her in this one!  Click clop, click clop, ah yes, the sound of Jimmy Choo shoes!
I only wish the shoes were in this photo because yes, they are that nice!  Who would have thought at some point in my life I would even know what a good pair of hot chick shoes are?  Well I'll tell ya, when you see them, you just know!  The wedding guest list was huge and filled with the who's who of everyone that matters around this dusty ol' town we hang around!  Diane herself can't stop talking about the SICK shoes on display at this wedding!  I only wish there was an album devoted to them.  Yes, I know, I'm starting to sound like a man with a shoe fetish and oddly enough, I don't have one... YET!  The bridal party was massive.  All totaled, 22 including the bride and groom!

I must go on record as saying that each and every single person in the party was nicer than the last one that I met!  This was a biblical melding of EAST COAST AND WEST!  As the ceremony went on, the bride and groom were watched over by portraits of the father and son who were lost so tragically.  I am always humbled that a couple wants me to be part of their most important day.  I try to give each and every couple something that I've never given to anyone else in another ceremony!  I believe with all of my heart that I achieved that with this one!  Well you be the judge for yourself.  You tell me, does this look like a happy bride?

These shots I had to more or less steal off of face book from friends.  I can't begin to imagine what the pro shots are going to look like.  Dave Sixx, you captured some magic with these shots.  As we brought the ceremony to a close, I pronounced the couple husband and wife and the crowd went ape shit!
 For me, there is nothing on earth like knowing that a job is well done!  Especially when the job I have done holds a piece of my heart and soul in it!  I was so worried about pulling this ceremony off that I actually had myself freaked out!  I've performed so many now that I could do a wedding in my sleep but this one had to live up to the standard that was set and believe me, that bar was set high!  The photo below is one of my all time favorite shots captured at one of my ceremonies!  To be shown love like this right after they have just shared their kiss is an incredible feeling.  It was in this moment that I knew that I had pulled it off big!  Every thing that I had hoped this wedding would be was in the end, so very much more!  For so many reasons, on so many levels, I will never forget this one!  You've read in this piece about the loss of a father and a son and how we planned to honor them.  At the end of the ceremony, two Owls who were rescued and brought back to perfect health were going to be re-released back in to the wild.  It's an incredible sight to see on television, it's mind blowing to be part of.  To actually touch them, to look directly in to a wild Owl's eyes from a distance of 18 inches is something else that I will never forget.  Both Owls were pulled from their boxes, placed on the bride and grooms arms.  Missy explained briefly the American Indian beliefs about what we were doing and I placed one hand on each Owl's back.

 I then said a quick prayer and asked that these Owls along with God watch over us all on this day and each that follow.  The guests all joined us in the countdown, 1 - 2 - 3 and they were released!  They took off and never looked back down.  As they made it past the tree line, one made a small, quick circle and they were out of sight in an instant!  This will truly be something that I never forget as long as I live.  The love, the respect for each other, friends and family on display this day was nearly overwhelming to me!  It is great to know that this still exists out there!

 The photo below is one of my all time favorite shots captured at one of my ceremonies!  To be shown love like this right after they have just shared their kiss is an incredible feeling.  It was in this moment that I knew that I had pulled it off big!  Every thing that I had hoped this wedding would be was in the end, so very much more!  For so many reasons, on so many levels, I will never forget this one! 
I've given it much thought and although I have not come to a final conclusion, this may be my last wedding or at the very least, my last for some time.  I will have to see what the universe either hands me or puts in my way to make this decision final.  What followed this ceremony was a fantastic meal with tremendously warm hearted people.  New friends were made, old friendships renewed and lifetime bonds formed.  The party went on late in to the night and Diane and I were shot out, we had to leave.  I was thrilled that Diane's MS cut her a break for the night and didn't even slow her down.  Hell, we even managed to get a hell of an ass grab in while we slow danced.  It touched me to hear everyone yell JACK AND DIANE as we stepped on to the dance floor!  Who the fuck am I kidding, I nearly shed a tear I was so happy!  Before we left, Dave Sixx caught us one last time and captured this shot of Diane and myself and it is actually one of my favorite shots of us ever captured.
You can see how happy we were in this moment.  Like I said, it was a magical day on so many levels.  As I was eating my taste bud blowing lemon wedding cake, right after our dance I actually thought to myself, "what a perfect night" and "there is nothing on earth that can put a damper on this"!  Well be careful what you say, what you think and what you wish for.  Not a minute later, Diane sees a light shining from her purse and it is her phone lighting up!  It wasn't ringing because she had turned the ringer off for the ceremony.  Who would be calling now?  Everyone who knows us, knows where we are?  She looks at the screen and doesn't know the number.  She answers but can hardly hear so she tries to step to an area where she can hear.  As I see her walking back, her face is literally blank and her mouth is open...... "you are not going to believe who is on the fucking phone" she says!  Who?  "I answered the phone and I didn't know who it was, they asked for you".... Who is on the phone?  Remember a moment ago when I said that nothing or no one could put a damper on the evening, I was wrong!  Here we are, surrounded by some of the finest people put on God's green earth and on the phone is a person who I am now done with!  The world knows I'm done with!  He made it clear he was done with me by writing to anyone who would read that I was a piece of shit, a liar and a scumbag......  I took a moment and thought, do I even allow this person a moment of our time, to do what, cause more havoc or more grief?  Nope, ain't going to happen, not on this day of such beauty and love!  Not a single solitary chance that I would allow anything to take away from what this day was about and what we were all sharing there!  So I offer to you my friends, don't allow anyone to poison times that you will cherish.  Don't allow anyone to poison a day that is average.  Don't allow anyone to poison any day on you.  These days that are given to us are truly a gift, don't ever let anyone ruin that for you!

Vincent and Shelley, thank you for inviting me in to your lives and for allowing me to play such a big role in such a huge part of your lives!  May your love last forever.

HERE IS THE CORRECTION TO THE ABOVE POST.  Thank you Mellissa for putting my ass straight on this.  I was told by so many that you owned liberty wildlife.  I guess you are such a big part that people just assume!  Below is what I received from Missy this morning, she is nothing but class!

Hey there. I need to clrify somethings. I work for Liberty Wildlife. I am the Daily Care Coordinator. I do not own Liberty. It is a Foundation ran by over 300 volunteers and only 5 staff memebers. I am lucky to be one of those staff memebers. We should always acknowledge the volunteers, as they give of their time freely and without malice to assist in helping these beautiful animals survive and heal. Without them Liberty Wildlife would not be. Its like the 4 -LLHR. I must acknowledge the village it takes for all the amazing animals in heal. Thank you so much for all your praise. You are an amazing man and we Lov Jack and Diane. I would love to set up a personal release with you and your wife when you have time. M

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back,
 The Man off your Ass
and love with all you can give.

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Sunday, October 23, 2011

no good rat bastard steaming shit pile ass rape scumbags!

....... and the title of this shit doesn't even come close to how I'm feeling!

It's funny, I've had so much going on and I've been so busy that I have not really had a moment to sit down and just write.  Hell, I've yet to finish writing the story of Sturgis and that was back in August!  I just can't seem to catch a few free hours of JACK SHIT time!  I've been so exhausted since Daytona Biketoberfest that I just didn't have it in me to catch up. 

We need a new car.  We need something comfy enough to road trip in and curl up and go to sleep if need be with a few boxes of Jack Shit t'shirts in the back and we need something for Diane to take clients out in.  We've been hunting down the perfect vehicle at the right price for nearly a month now.  With all that is going on, there is nothing worse than stopping what you are doing and driving 30 miles to a dealer just to get dicked around.  You know the used car shit that goes on....  the bait and switch, the "wrong price" marked and all the other fucking games they play!  I've been face to face with murderers in my life and have had less nervousness and anxiety then when I pull up in front of a car dealership!  I would rather go to the dentist without Novocaine than go to a car dealer!  You catching my drift on how much I hate them yet?  Good! 

So yesterday, we stop what we are doing and drive 25 miles away only to find out that the price on the car is wrong, or we mixed up two cars and we wasted hours of our time.  Like I have so much to waste.  Not only have I not written anything for my blog, I've not written anything for Cycle Source blog either.  With all that is going on in my real life, I have not done anything but work and go to memorial services, I've not had much to say or write about.  I hate losing people, it really takes me to a dark place!  So to say that I've been nothing short of pissy would be an understatement.  Today, I had to go up to North Phoenix, about 45 miles away for a wedding rehearsal for a ceremony that I am performing tomorrow.  I write each and every ceremony totally different for each couple, so now add that to something else that I have yet to write!  Oh yeah, time is running out on me! 

Diane was supposed to attend the rehearsal with me today but we have friends who are away in St. Martin and their business needed some looking after.  Diane jumped up to help as she always does for a friend in need and she had to stay home to do some computer work.  She managed to get most of it done when she takes a break, hits the web and finds us the perfect car.  Now we have narrowed it down to two vehicles.  They are the furthest end of the spectrum from each other and we have found it quite difficult to choose.  Each serves a very distinct purpose for us and both are truly gorgeous inside and drive like a dream.  Okay you ready for this?  We have narrowed it down to a Ford Flex and a Cadillac CTS.  WOW, so far apart in every single aspect!  The Caddy is gorgeous and believe it or not, the Flex is equally appointed, they are really pretty plush!  The Caddy has sick power and the Flex has a ton of seating and some really cool shit too!  Yesterday, Diane finds this car and we drop everything and drive 30 miles to a dealer to find out that either we mixed up two cars or someone pulled some sneaky price shit on us....  Today, she finds the one.  The one that made the decision for us.  The car was right, the options were right, the color was right and the FUCKING PRICE was way right!  We had not seen one for this number that did not sell within hours of being on the lot. 

She stops what she is doing immediately.  She races 30 miles away, sees the car, drives the car, flips over the car and goes in to do the paperwork.  She is going to surprise me and drive this fucker home!  They run the numbers and everything is great, a deal is made.  We are just waiting to hear what the payment is going to be.  She runs in to a paperwork snag and calls me in a panic!  I leave the rehearsal that I am at and race home on the Road Glide, which for the record, FLIES!  But my friends, my first ride on the Glide is a story for another day!  We get back to the house within 10 minutes of each other.  Speak to the dealer and all is great.  They give us a list of two things they need, paperwork to show income!  Okay, got it!  Anything else?  Nope!  We are working with the bank to get you the best payment and we will call you back, awesome!  Now, I don't get emotional because shit always goes wrong, but this is a done deal! 

We have to run to Home Depot to pick up all kinds of lights and toilets for the flip house in North Phoenix.  Hell, we can run, do that, drop everything off and by the time we do that, we can use the truck one last time for that shit and then go turn it right in at the dealer for the trade!  Diane is not gone from the dealer for 2 hours at the most.  We unload the truck and as I'm walking to get back in it, I hear Diane on the phone and my little angel is using the F word more than I've ever used it while drunk on stage doing stand up and I assure you, this is a great many times!  She called to see if they were ready for us to pick it up and to see if they got the best payment yet!  WELL YOU SEE, WE SOLD IT TO SOMEONE ELSE!  Not three hours after you left the lot.  Well really, because we've only been gone a total of two hours right now?  What the fuck do you mean you sold it to someone else?  We had a deal, we were waiting on the payment!  I guess that maybe they used our purchase to get someone else to pay more, who knows, we will never know the truth!  I love to see her happy and for those two hours, she was floating on air.  She spent half of her day, while she could have been doing so much more up at that fucking dealer getting this all done and they pull this shit!  The look on her face was so sad that it made me nuts!  The old Jack Shit wanted to go down to that dealer and yank the guy out in the lot and beat his ass up and down the parking lot.  The new Jack realized that going to prison over a used car wasn't worth it!  The guy says to her " well maybe we can put you in something else"?  Oh yes, you are just the type of dealership we want to do business with!  With that, again, the scum bag salesman gets another barrage of Diane's magnificent use of the the F' Bomb!  I must say, it was well deserved!

I FUCKING HATE USED CAR DEALERS!!!  There are no lower form of shit on earth than these scum bag fucks!  In case you live in Arizona and I know a great many of my readers do, allow me to share this little tid bit with you;  The name of the dealer is Acura of North Scottsdale and if you can do anything, don't ever spend a penny of your hard earned money with these people!  I come from a time when a deal was a deal, a contract was a contract, shit man, a hand shake was a hand shake and you needed nothing more.  In this case, we had all three and none of that mattered to this company!  Lawyers, used car salesmen and pedophiles, the top three scum of the earth if you ask me and I'm not sure they go in that order either!

I am so tired of pieces of shit coming in to our lives one way or another.  Is there no honor amongst men any longer?  When did times change that everyone is out for themselves?  Pieces of shit at work, pieces of shit as friends, well, alleged friends, pieces of shit walking through the supermarket and on and on and on!  This breaks my heart!  I was raised that a man is only as good as his word and if you give that up, YOU HAVE NOTHING!  So now I sit here, typing away at this blog to try and vent some of this anger.   I have worked on and off on this wedding ceremony that speaks of L,L,H&R, LOVE, LOYALTY, HONOR AND RESPECT and doing the right thing by each other etc.,etc., etc., for nearly four hours and can't shake how disgusted I am by the way this company has done us dirty!  There is nothing on earth that tops my list higher than dishonesty, lack of integrity and fake fucks!  That and fools who use others to benefit themselves!  I believe that I have made this perfectly clear in my past posts, ONE THAT I CAN THINK OF in particular! 

So what can I say after all this?  Not a damn thing.  I have to now double check the ceremony that I wrote to make sure there are no FUCK ACURA OF NORTH SCOTTSDALE'S in the middle of it!  Sorry to vent on you fine folks, this is not really my style but if I can keep one of my friends from dropping one red cent of the hard earned money that they have earned at this place it will all be worth it!

There will be a great many of you that I see at what I hope to be one of the greatest weddings ever tomorrow and for those of you that I won't, until we see each other on the road;

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your angry, pissed off, miserable, writer blocked friend,
Jack Shit