It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Straight Up The Ass!

Yeah I know, that is one hell of a catchy title to this post and it covers so many possible meanings but how exactly was it meant for this post?  Hell if I know.....  I have been on a roller coaster once again with life, emotion, passion and interest!  So much has gone on in our lives since my last post here that I'm not even sure where to begin.  I'll be right back, I've actually got to go back and see what the last thing I even wrote about was and when, the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's been some time since I fired up the ol' laptop and opened up to you lunatics.

Ah yes, now I remember, Karma and the asshole in the Mercedes that thought running into a guy on a bike was so very much "not a big deal" that he just drove away after doing it!  I can't believe that night was nearly a month ago.  Well so much for me promising to try and post up on here more often, sorry!  I have been busy though so it's not like I've just been fucking off and not writing, I've been out living this nightmare so that I can eventually come back and either bring a smile to your face or piss in your corn flakes, how you take what I say is entirely up to you!

Prior to the night the Mercedes owner thought it would be awesome to add a Jack Shit hood ornament to his new car, I had once again begun to have serious trouble with my back and even more with my sciatic nerve.  So I guess the first use of Straight Up The Ass will refer to what it feels like for me right now.  I feel like Satan himself has drilled his burning, evil, spiked, flame shooting dick up my ass and for as much as I can remember it's going on a solid 5 weeks of this shit!  The pain and discomfort damn near disappears and you don't even notice it and the moment that you realize "wow, is it gone" it hits you again like being tazed!  There seems to be no rhyme nor reason for how or why, but what a pain in the ass, quite literally!  I've used each and every trick I've ever learned to make it ease up or go away.  I've tried every medication, opiate or homeopathic to no avail.  The crazy part of it all is that it is more comfortable for me to sit in the saddle of a bike than it is to sit in the leather seat of my car or couch!  It must have something to do with the devil's dick and what he left in my ass after the last time he banged it!

I had a busy month ahead of me with events in October, two of them were huge and I had to be not only on my game but I needed to perform at the very top of it and that meant simply, knuckle up bitch and act like a man!  I guess I'm a great actor, because I gave an Oscar worthy performance of smiling through the pain and dancing like a trained monkey for the last month.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about what I do by any stretch of the imagination, no matter what my condition, I love making people smile and for the last month it's been really painful to do that.  I thought that all my additional pain and the fact that I was totally exhausted for weeks was due to getting knocked around by that Mercedes and it made complete sense to me.  One night I was sitting on the couch and bit down into a peanut butter cup, nice and soft right?  Out of nowhere, the pain in my tooth shot straight up through my brain and in an instant, my left eye had water running down my cheek.  I jumped up off the couch and actually said out loud, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?!  I reached inside my mouth and touched my gums on the top left side of my mouth and there was massive swelling.  An infection?  Really?  After spending thousands of dollars in dental work from June through August to prevent exactly this from ever happening again, in the very spot they worked on?  MOTHER FUCKER!!!!  I was boiling mad.  Of course it was the weekend so I had to hold off until Monday for any medical attention.

So once again, this dentist has broken it off, well, STRAIGHT UP THE ASS!  At this point all I could hear were the voices of the great many who were kind enough to share all the horror stories of all of their relatives who died or had strokes and were paralyzed from tooth infections that had gotten out of control and here I was, once again, dealing with a massive infection.  At least I now had an answer to why I'd been so exhausted and why each area that I had previously had surgery on hurt so bad and felt so weak.  I'd be okay as long as I did not have a stroke before Monday at 2 pm.  The infection was so massive that you could actually see it on the x-ray!  The dentist just shook his head and for the umpteenth time in my life, I got to hear this very phrase from a doctor who fucked up, "unfortunately, sometimes these things happen."  Really?  Why does it only happen to me days before I am going out of state?  The infection was so severe and the swelling so bad that the post that they drilled into my root actually split the root because there was so much pressure in the pocket.  "Okay I asked, how do we fix that?"  "I'm not really sure, I don't think we can, this is not the optimal situation" this prick had the nerve to say to me.  NO FUCKING SHIT THIS IS NOT THE OPTIMAL SITUATION!  No wonder dentists have the highest suicide rates, they probably have to do it because they want to do it to themselves so that it is less painful than when insane mad patients come back and kill them!  So once again I was off to the pharmacy, once again going to start taking another "Z Pak" and once again waiting for the horrible pain and pressure in my chest to cause a stroke while I waited for this shit to start working.  As I began to put the first two pills in my mouth I thought to myself, "how can I not be immune to this shit yet?"

The weekend and both Doggtoberfest and Bikers For Boobies were rapidly approaching, back to back big events, neither of which I had performed at prior so I had no idea what to expect or worse yet, what was expected of me.  I got up early so that I could muster the energy to get there.  I could not have even a single drink to help make the pain ease up as I was on antibiotics and I was miserable.  I managed to make it through the first event, got home around 1 am and went right to bed.  I should say, crawled into bed I was so damn sore.  The next day, after sleeping less than two hours, I got up and headed over the HD dealer here in town for the kick off and start of the ride.  I was shot to hell and as soon as all of the riders left, I was going home to sleep for two hours before the arrival of more than 1000 bikes to the event.  When I saw the amount of people who showed up for this truly grass roots event I was not only stunned but the joy these folks had in helping somehow made the pain that much more bearable for me.  Knowing that I had back pain and that in no possible way could it ever compare to the cancer that the very people we were trying to help were dealing with, it somehow exited my mind and eased up.  For a brief while, I was a bit embarrassed limping around and moving slowly.  That all ended when I witnessed what was about to take place on stage before anyone else.  What I saw on the side of the stage were fireman, Marines, thugs and gangsters and they were each wearing a hand made bra and we were about to auction them off!  They put aside all their pride and in the true spirit of giving walked proudly up on to that stage and sold themselves!

 We thought that we would begin the bidding at 20 bucks each on the bras and hope to get maybe 50 bucks a piece for them and raise some much needed cash.  I became the live auctioneer and the crowd went apeshit!  I can't remember how many of these bras sold for $300 or more but I know most sold for at least $200, far more than anyone could have ever imagined.  As I had the last "model" exit the stage, the founder of the event, the current reigning Miss Arizona Bike Week, Shelley snuck up behind me and said, "lift up your shirt".  What?  "Lift up your damn shirt" she said.  Uhm, okay, but why?  "Because you ain't walking away from this unscathed" she answered.  Damn it, I should have seen this coming, Straight Up The Ass, but this time, I took it for a good cause.  So here ya go.  If you've ever wondered what your fat friend Jack Shit looks like wearing a custom Green Bay Packers bra in front of 1300 people, wonder no more!
Only by the grace of God himself was I far too chubby for that thing to clasp behind my back!  Needless to say, we got a shit ton of money for this one!  I just kept hearing my own words play over and over in my head, "there is never a wrong time to do the right thing", so I just rolled with it.  I guess this is payback for the hundreds of women over the years that I pulled from crowds and had them take their bras off!  The universe is a funny place!

By the end of the night I could barely stand much less walk, but oddly enough, even though I could hardly do the physical, it wasn't pain that kept me from doing it.  My pain level had dropped dramatically, it was just being a broken ass old man that had me moving so slow.  I believe that all the rip roaring laughter, the non stop smiling and having only an hour earlier given away a $50k bike that Paul Yaffe's bagger nation had done an amazing job customizing to a lucky winner from a raffle that had me so naturally high that most of my pain had left and only exhaustion remained, it was quite a feeling.  In the end, after all the expense of hosting a massive event such as this were covered, a check for $20,000 was given to Casting For Recovery!  I was both humbled and honored to have played part in this event.  In just four short years, this event has grown from a few people who gathered to go for a ride for a cause to a major annual event.  So don't ever say or think that you are only one person and you can't make a difference, because right here is the very proof that you can.  I had two days to rest and then I was off to Daytona Beach for Biketoberfest. That's plenty of time to make a full recovery right?  Apparently not!

On an important side note and one that makes me believe that the world is truly a good place I wanted to share this with you.  Tickets for the bike were sold all over the country and I got to pull the winner and we took the phone number from the ticket and Paul Yaffe called the winner right from the stage.  Unfortunately it went to his answering machine.  As it turns out, the reason the winner didn't answer was because he was at the hospital supporting his brother who had just begun receiving chemo therapy!   Now that is all that is good and right in this world!  I pray that he makes a speedy recovery!

I'll share how that all went down tomorrow, right now I can't sit here any longer because my friggin ass hurts too bad to sit!  God damned sciatic nerve!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

1 comment:

  1. "this is payback for the hundreds of women over the years that I pulled from crowds and had them take their bras off!"

    Ummm, not quite. I'm thinking a Chargers Thong (with fur) might getcher karma a little closer to even. ;-) Hang tuff old man. Thanks for the giggle and keep writing!