Ass of FIRE! The Chantix Diaries

THE CHANTIX DIARIES

DAY 4
NIGHT 3

Well I've not died yet, I've not killed anyone yet and I have not felt like killing myself yet so I guess one would or rather could say, I'm off to a hell of a start!  The dreams have not been as wildly vivid and seemingly as long as the first night but they've still been a pretty wild ride.  If you did not catch the first post in this series, just below the photo on top of the blog page there are two tabs, one reads "home" the other "The Chantix Diaries", there you can read in pretty great detail the dream I had and what happened within hours of taking the first dose.  So now if you haven't read it yet, I would suggest hopping over there, checking it out and then clicking back over to this post to continue on.  If you are up to date on the first post, then by all means read away.

I was warned by the doctor that it would be a smart move to break the dose in half and begin that way so up until yesterday I was on the equivalent of 1/4 dose.  Since nothing in the opening line of this post had occured, I thought, "why listen to that silly doctor, nothing bad has happened, I must be immune to this shit"!  So I doubled up!

Chantix lesson number one that I've learned in this process is what I believe will be an important one to remember!  DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT if you ever decide to go on this medicine, eat MEXICAN FOOD at 11pm!  As one might imagine what Mexican food does to the insides of us GRINGOS, but now imagine what it does to us GRINGOS whose bodies are just getting use to a medicine that the most reported side effect is stomach pain or upset stomach?  Each night since I began this, I lay in bed hoping to fall asleep while trying to stay awake over an uneasy feeling of the "unknown".  Last night was the first time that all I wanted to do was fall asleep and I didn't care what the dreams brought!  As I lay down I could feel my stomach pain coming on.  You know when you are absolutely famished and your belly feels so empty that you think it's going to cave in?  That is what it feels like to me at least.  I sat around a campfire last night with a pharmacist and ran down what I've experienced so far and he just laughed at me.  Nice bedside manner right?  I also ran down some side effects that he had yet to ever hear about, so I've got that going for me!  Anyway, back to laying in bed and the pressure building up in my gut and the gale force winds blowing straight out of my ass!  I was sort of rolling around and pulling my knees up into fetal position and then pushing them straight and then rolling to the other side.  I had the added bonus having my mouth fill with acid virtually simultaneously with the anus RATTLING farts, so that was super cool!  I've been experiencing what one could only consider a 60 hour long fart!

Oh my my, I nearly forget to mention the true gift that comes from all this farting.  I've got so much room on my side of the king size bed now!  I need it for all the rolling around I do throughout the night but mostly I have that extra room because Diane is laying as far away as possible from me with her extra pillow over her head and the down comforter pushed so tightly around her that no air can pass through it.  I believe that it may work and no air passes through but apparently GOD AWFUL SMELL OF DEATH is not considered air because she just can't seem to get away from that.  Have you ever seen your dog right after it farts and it looks back at its own ass like "wow, did that come out of me"?  Almost immediately, the dog gets up and just walks out of the room leaving that dead goat smell for you     to savor.  Well I'm not the dog so I don't get out of bed and go foul another room, but I am very much like the dog when I actually look down at my ass and think "that could not have just come out of me" and before I even have a moment to ponder that question it is answered by the next rolling wave of stomach pain and chemical warfare emitting from my already sore from the violent vibrating sphincter! My asshole is shaking so hard that there is no way that it's not burning calories from the workout, so hey, got that going for me too!

I won't even get into the most recent dreams because they were not as amazing as my evening fighting lions on the back patio of TT's Roadhouse here in Arizona with nothing more than a bar stool.  I will say that I had no idea that when you are up in Payson and it is freezing cold and snowing like a son of a bitch out front of the house, if you want to go for a ride on the bikes, all you have to do is walk out the back door of the house where the bikes are lined up and sitting out in the bright Az sunshine!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't ask, it gets insane from here on out!  I will add however that the most amazing idea that I've ever had for a television show came to me that night courtesy of my hosting friends I love and one epic piece of shit in my dreams!  I'll let you know how that goes!

So tomorrow I begin taking the medicine twice a day, the only thing that I look to the heavens and pray for is that my ass can handle all of this.  Okay, not the only thing I can ask for.  I'm also gonna ask that Diane does not become so completely and totally disgusted by me that our new sleeping arrangements last any longer than they have to!

Until we see each other on the road again;  Have a happy, healthy and safe new year's eve everyone!  I've cancelled all plans, I'm just not up to hosting a party and for that matter, I'm not even up for going to one so it looks like it will be just Diane and your pal Jack just burning a hole in the couch from his epic ass of fire!

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit