It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!



Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Laughlin River Run

Hey you crazy bastards.....  you will have to find something else for the next few days to keep you, happy, smiling, angry, shocked, appalled and or disgusted.  I am heading to the Laughlin River Run.  I am, for the very first time in my riding life and that's a long time folks, attending a motorcycle rally, without a motorcycle.  It will be a new experience for me.

People asked how they would know where to find me at such a big event.  I told them it would be easy and to just look for the guy with the frown on his face.  Everyone wears those shirts, NICE TRAILER PUSSY, at least I don't fit in to that crowd!  I won't even have a damn bike!  What can I say?  I ran out of time and apparently, Motorcycle Titles have an amazing ability to leap out of envelopes, open desk cabinet doors and float right on out of houses.  WHAT WILL THEY COME UP WITH NEXT? 

So I am off for a few days.  You folks have a great time without me around.

Let me say this though, before I go, MY HEART BLEEDS AND IS BREAKING for everyone who has been hurt or killed or has had all of their belongings wiped from the face of the earth by these insane tornadoes, one after the other.  I don't often preach or speak of praying, but tonight, when I get where I am going and am about to drift off to sleep, I am adding all of you on to my HEY GOD, GIVE THESE PEOPLE A BREAK PLEASE, prayer list!  You guys all hang in there, you are in our hearts and prayers!

Till I see you on the road again, (I'll be passing you in a fucking truck),
Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Flute Salute! What a loving way to say goodbye.

I wish I could find the very first piece that got me back to writing something other than comedy. I believe it was called grace under fire and it was written within the first days after my dear friend F Bomb's Queen Lorrianne was killed while racing the Stampede. She was known to all involved as the queen of the Stampede and after she passed, we learned that she was a Queen for so many more reasons. If the accident wasn't horrible enough, it seemed that the insult to the injury was each day seemed to bring more and more heartache and disgusting acts by people who had nothing to do with this Angel's life! Nobody had any idea of how many people's lives she had personally touched until the day of her service. I performed part of the funeral but there was not much to say. Lorri was a truly genuine, pure soul and it seemed that there was nothing that I could say that could conceivably speak to what an amazing person she was. The turnout at her service was like no other service that I had ever seen, much less had the honor of speaking at. I spoke of Lorri briefly, read a poem that I had written and then asked everyone to live like Lorri did and to base all future decisions on four simple letters, W.W.L.D? WHAT WOULD LORRI DO? If one person in a thousand on earth would live their life, like Lorri lived hers, the world would be an incredible place to live and it would be filled with love rather than hate and turmoil. As this video begins, you can see me step away. I had just introduced another friend, his name was Greg and he had a very special way that he wanted to send Lorri off and lift her spirit straight up to the heavens on a magical wave of incredible love. As the video plays, I panned around just so you could see the amount of people who came to honor this incredible woman and I could not even fit them all in. It is hard to believe that nearly two years have gone by since we lost her. If I have one major regret in my life, it is that Diane and I could not get a chance to have known her longer!


It is hard to tell, but Lorri was a huge fan and member of the Kiss Army and behind Greg playing the flute is her Kiss Casket. It is the baddest casket that I have ever seen! To this day, the endless love that is displayed by Brother F Bomb for his queen has never wavered, never lessened and will live eternally. I found this video that I had posted in an old you tube account when I suddenly remembered the account name. One day, I will find that piece that I wrote about the tragedy, because without Lorri even knowing, she changed my life as well. Long May You Run amongst the Angels, Queen of the Stampede. I just wanted to share this with you because when I saw this video again, it just blew me away. For all who have lost the ones they loved in their lives, myself included, know that you too were loved. If the time comes and I too pass, I could only pray that one tenth of the amount of people who attended this service would attend mine to show me final respect. I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE SEEN SUCH A LOVING TRIBUTE TO A REAL LIFE, LIVING ANGEL!

Till we see each other on the road again, please be safe, watch your mirrors, so that we never have to feel the pain of losing someone so precious again! I won't desecrate this post by talking about the wind, tits or cops chasing you, but I will end it with those same four letters W.W.L.D.? What would Lorri Do?

THE STAR TREATMENT

There is a time in your career when you know you have made it! You reach the pinnacle of your success so far and you stand atop, look down on the little people whose backs you have walked on to get where you have gotten and you pull out your penis and you pee, taking pride in the distance and quality of the arch that you are making. You smile as the golden shower rains down on them and you take one more huge hit from your Gold and Diamond encrusted Crack Pipe and as you exhale, you order your assistant to run and go get some more. You bark that you don't care that her baby is going in to surgery in an hour, GO SCORE ME SOME DOPE NOW and then maybe you can go, maybe....

Well, I have yet to make it to that point in my career and who knows if I ever will, but a boy can dream can't he? I love when people say, "man you sure got it tough" or "I wish I had your job". Well I bet you do. We live large when we are on the road trying to entertain you fine folks. Amazing pay, travel, quality food and incomparable luxury accommodations are just a few of those perks that every one always wish that they got too. Last night while flipping through some old files you may have seen that video I found of me after my long talk with my knuck about going to Sturgis. Well I found this video in the same hidden sub folder and I had forgotten all about it. When I hit play, I just knew it was something that I had to share. This is just a brief clip of what it is like to be a "big star" and what it is like to get the "star treatment". I know that you are going to be really jealous but hey, what's the point in living like a rock star if you can't rub it in people's faces? I may not be able to spray the world with a golden shower and smoke crack out of a platinum pipe yet, but as you will see in this video, I AM GETTING REALLY CLOSE! I hope you enjoy! This is where I was lucky enough to stay for either 10 or 11 days, I can't even remember any more!



IS THAT LUXURIOUS OR WHAT? Nothing like sleeping in a tent that is slightly bigger than shoulder wide with nothing but a Don Wood bed roll and a pillow that I jammed in the truck last minute! If I planned it just right and curled myself up towards the front of my tent, I could almost sit up straight, almost! I actually had to get dressed and undressed outside of the tent. So every morning at 3 am and 9 am, if you were close enough, you got to see me standing on the front lawn of Bad Ass Floyd's place either wrapped in a towel or in my under armour underwear. What I found to be my favorite part was that I set my tent up right next to the hose bib that apparently had a slow leak and just dripped and dripped. The extraordinarily green grass right there should have been a dead giveaway but I thought, wow, that looks like it will be soft. So laying in the equivalent of saran wrap on damp ground was like being in a Sauna. Here is another hint from this "big star", when selecting a spot for you luxury accommodations, don't judge it by where the sun is in the afternoon, think about where it will rise in the morning! Yeah, I didn't account for that either. So I would crawl, exhausted in to my tent anywhere between 3 and 4 am and lay there until I could wind down enough to fall asleep, even though I was entirely shot out from working for 15 hours or so on my feet and that would take some time. Each day, I was lucky enough to fall asleep not too much before the sun would rise and all the people there to enjoy the rally would be waking up to start their days. Starting there day would include laughing and screaming about the night before or the really great part, the folks who were drunk and fought the night before would pick right up, exactly where they left off when they passed out, then would fire up their bikes to work on them or go for a ride. As you can see from the video where my bike was parked just outside my tent, that I also got the added bonus of the extra carbon monoxide that would catch in my tent's vestibule area! Within a day or two of arriving there, not one square inch of that property did not have a tent set up or a bike parked on it! Floyd really was a good host and within a few days we hit it off and became friends for life. The great part about it all though, honestly, that it was actually less than 100 feet away from the back gate of the Spoke so it was an easy commute. Now I know why everyone always parks their tour buses right out back behind the stage, it's the commute!

The truly funny part is that these were excellent accommodations and I could have brought a bigger tent but my big tent never made it home from last year's Choppertown Camparound. Like I said in last night's blog, I had virtually no time to get my shit together before it was time to leave for Sturgis.... any way, this wall all in fun, so I hope that you got a laugh out of it. So next time when you see someone who is "living the life", remember, there is another side of "living the life" that most don't really see!

Here is the thing though, I would not give it up for anything, this is what I do and it's what I have always wanted to do! I BRING SMILES ACROSS THE MILES, IT'S MY DESTINY! I hope everyone has a great week and until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

We all need to be inspired at some point !

There are times when I just sit down on the couch, late at night and go through old pics. I can flip through them and they take me back to the time and place that they were shot. I can actually transport myself through my memory right back and damn near re-live those incredible times. I get to look at more than I normally would because I have to be, hands down, the worst person on earth when it comes to labeling files. Not only do I not give them good names but I don't even leave hints for myself to track this shit down when I need it. Then there are times like tonight when I find something in a sub folder, within another folder that I either didn't even know existed or totally forgot about it.

This one in particular brought me back to a really happy moment. I had just hung up the phone with Melissa from the Broken Spoke Saloon in Sturgis and she gave me the "official" word that I had been booked to host the Downtown Spoke for the 70th anniversary of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally! Of all the events and gigs that I have performed at in my entire life, I had never been so excited about one, as I was with this one. Not only was I going to host one of the greatest bars on earth during the biggest motorcycle rally in the world, but it was the very first time that I was ever going to Sturgis and I was stoked to say the least. I didn't have much time to get my shit together and when the event was over, I had to race straight back to Phoenix. I had taken second place in this stupid "open for the winner of last comic standing" contest and I had to perform there before I left. I had to take about 400 shirts up there with me too. Hey, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to earn some extra cashola to bring home for my girl..... you guys know where that money goes already! I had to take the truck, there was no way around that, but how do you go to Sturgis without a bike? I would be working 12 to 14 hours per day so it's not like I had much time to ride anyway, but hell folks, I just couldn't bring myself to show up with only a truck. So we are at the very end of July and I had to perform and leave for Sturgis right away. My knuck had not even been started since March and AZ bike week. I had to make some much needed repairs before I even left but the time came. I sat down on the seat of the bike, which for the last 3 months had been parked in my dining room and leaned down and gave her a great big hug. I gave her a nice talking to and told her that I was sorry that I had neglected her but if she took good care of me, I would then take good care of her. I rolled it out the back door and in to the back yard. What you are about to see is taken at just that moment. This brought back a lot of memories for me and put a big smile on my face, so I hope it makes you laugh or smile as well!



I sure hope that all works out again for Sturgis this year and I am welcomed back to the one and only World Famous, Broken Spoke Saloon! If it does, I will see you there. Please don't be shy, come right on up and introduce yourself, please! I have had so many people write me and say, "well I saw you but you looked busy and I didn't want to bother you". Are you fucking kidding me? Bother me? Without all of you amazing friends, I would be nothing! So please, I don't ever want to hear again that you didn't want to bother me. Okay? I look forward to seeing my friends that I already know and really look forward to seeing those friends that I have yet to ever meet. Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Sunday, April 24, 2011

When did it all change?

FREEDOM ISN'T FREE BUT IT'S WORTH FIGHTING FOR.... That is what is painted on that fairing in case you can't read it.  I was never really sure what it was that these guys did, these Patriot Guard Riders.  When I first saw two of them rolling down the road I assumed that it was just another start up riding club, not a MC, but a riding club.  When I found out what it is these guys do, I was blown away.  While walking around this silly ass bullshit bike event the other night, my wife saw this bike and asked if I knew what it was and what they did?  I said I know a little bit.  I explained to her that these guys took time from their lives to escort the remains of soldiers killed in action and they attend the funerals and unfurl big ass flags to block protesters like those PIECES OF SHIT, THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH who attend military funerals, disrupt the funeral and then sue any one who interferes.....  As I was explaining how they park their bikes a certain distance apart and pull the flags out and make a big RED, WHITE AND BLUE, STARS AND STRIPES WALL to block these scumbags from the family, I actually got chills and caught a tear in my eye.  PATRIOT does not begin to describe what these guys are! 

HERE IS THE PROBLEM AS I SEE IT.  Someone, please, please, please, tell me why these guys even need to exist?  Have we as a country grown so full of hate for each other and for each other's beliefs that someone would go and disrespect the final services of some one who gave up everything to go and defend freedom around the world and who gave the ultimate sacrifice and gave their life!  GOD HATES FAGS is the battle cry of these inbred sheep fuckers!  Because the military let gays in, they now disrupt any funeral that they can.  Worse yet, they sued a family of one fallen Marine I believe because they were stopped from protesting and WON?  The father of this fallen hero had to pay all their legal expenses after his victory against them was over turned by another judge!  When did it all change?  When did we reward people for being low life mother fuckers?  As a writer and a full blown mental case whose words would be censored nearly any place but here, I believe more than the average person in the right to free speech, free expression and freedom to practice any religion you want.  But where do you draw the line between your freedom and disrupting an other's freedoms?  When did it all change?  When did we become so politically correct that rather than offend people who would terrorize, yes, that's what I said, a family in mourning, our government chose to offend the very  family in mourning?  When did the fact that you chose to serve this country make you a target by our own government?  Each and every single time that I see these fucks on television, all I can think of is WHY?  Why would they give these people air time?  Forgive me for this rant on Easter Sunday of all days but I saw a news story yet again about these low life assholes and it just lit my fucking fuse!  Enough is enough once again.  WE THE PEOPLE, elect judges, congress, senators and presidents and it is about time that we stand up and have these self serving, power hungry fucks learn that WE ARE THEIR BOSSES and not the other way around!  When did it all change that common sense was no longer applicable?

Once again, the very reason that I began this post got totally away from me.  What I meant to write about and the title still holds true was, when did it all change, with the bikes we ride?  The parties we attend?  The lifestyle in general?  I went down to Mesa Riverview the other night for bike night.  It's an event that they now host each and every Friday and I thought how cool!  I figured it would be lined with choppers, cool stockers and maybe some hot rods too.  You would think that it was like a 1000 mile ride for all who attended.  There had to be no bullshit, 400 or more bikes there and I counted 17, yes, 17 that did not have a full fairing or windshield.  It was like the grand touring road show.  I understand baggers and I understand the need for them.  I just wondered when did it all change that you could hardly find a bike without one?  What really got me blown away was that as we are in the midst of the worst economy since the great depression, I found it difficult to even find an Evolution engine there.  Virtually every bike was new, can you imagine?  I remember years ago, I was mocked for riding an EVO!  The new guy, with the new fangle bike!  Now Evo's are damn near what the Shovelhead was!  Well without any of the class, sex appeal or coolness that is!

So now I began a quest if you will to find something other than a brand new bagger to take a pic of...  The event is set around a traffic circle with four streets going off in each direction.  In the circle was a band that I could not tell you if they were any good or not.  What I can tell you is that it was probably the worst PA that I ever heard.  I think that these guys watched Spinal Tap one too many times and took that whole "11" on the volume nob way too serious.  Before I start getting the "drop dead Jack Shit, I ride a bagger" mail, don't bother!  I had a street glide too at one point and I would probably still have it had it not been for two things; first it was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever ridden and second, had it not been repossessed!  I could have stopped it from going, I got the call that they wanted the money but Diane's illness had already wiped out my credit, the value of it was lower than what I owed and I just asked the woman on the phone, "you want me to drop if off or do you want to come and get it"?  She was dumbfounded for the record.  "Really" was her response.  "Well sir, we can work with you"!  Nah, no thanks, I'll leave it outside in case I'm not home.... I don't think this has ever happened to them!  I hadn't told Diane about the call and this guy rang the door bell, full tatt'd up head, big beard all sleeved and she opened the door.  The guy said I'm here about the bike and she said okay and the guys mouth dropped open.... "really"?  Yes sir, it's all yours!  We could have easily paid for it but decided the money was better spent on paying the 4 thousand dollars a month for her insurance and meds so we just said "take it man".  She called me and I said I was right around the corner, I'll be right there, I have the key.  When I got there, I think the guy thought I was going to jump out with a gun or something, I simply asked, "hey man, you need help loading it up"?  "Uhm, uh, no, no thanks man, I got it, but thanks again"!

Side tracked again.....  For the record I don't hate stock bikes, I just prefer the Choppers and Bobbers.  I am blown away by the level of talent that goes in to the design, the build and the little details that sets each and every single one apart from the others.  These folks have ten times the talent that I would ever have and I have mad respect for them.  What I could not understand is that with all of these bikes in this mini mockery of an old down town, there were not even "billet barge choppers" on the property.... We walked in all four directions, up and down and on the last leg of our journey, I finally found something cool!  Now I am even less of a fan of Hondas than I am of what people call Geezer Glides.  But and it's a big but, give me a Honda that some one spent countless hours, chopping and grinding and welding away on and they have earned my respect!  What can I say, I'm an old bike guy and as Teach would say, I have a Vintage Bike Addiction!  Check out this BAD ASS HONDA!


Can you see the attention to the little details that just sets this bike apart from something you would buy?
Even if it were something you would buy from a bike builder, it is just not the same.  Hand built
by the owner, out of nothing but pure passion and a vision!  I DIG IT!

I had just run in to a few friends and we were bullshitting for a few minutes when I heard the bike fire up, which by the way was unmistakable from anything parked there.  I said to Diane, I sure hope he rides this way.  He did and I stopped him right in the middle of the circle, introduced myself and told him how much I appreciated the bike and asked if I could snap a few shots, "sure man" he said with a smile.  I don't care how "anti social" you are, it's always nice to have your work appreciated and I did!

There is a restaurant there that we were told was great and a few other friends were going to shoot on over and meet us.  We hung out on the street for a bit and I just could not get over the fact that since this guy had left, there was not a bike on the property older than 5 years!  Has anyone told these folks that we are in a recession?  I walked in to the restaurant and was really kind of bummed out.  We sat at the bar for a few and my goggles were really pissing me off resting on my head!  I took a walk out to hang them on the bike and as I walked out, much to my surprise, a Sprung Pan Chop was backing in to a spot.  I was damn near giddy!


My excitement was taken down a notch when I saw that it was and was not a panhead at the same time!  It was a very well done, knock off!  But I didn't care, it was a chopper baby!  We spoke for a few minutes and he showed me how he put a fake generator cover over the oil filter on the motor and even hooked up the wires to make it look real... whatever it was, it was still cool!  I hung up my goggles and walked across the street still talking with the owner.  He asked, "what ya riding man"?  I said that Knuck over there and with that he said "oh hell man, I know you, you're Jack Shit"..... I said, "yes sir, I surely am".  The guy standing next to him said "fuck man, I love your blog"!  What can I say, my penis just got an added inch to it! 

While we were talking, another guy and a chick were standing in the back just listening.  When the first cat walked away, this guy started asking me questions, and they were good questions, this guy not only knew what he was talking about, but I think he was even testing me a bit to make sure I was the real deal..... well now it's on like donkey kong!  I told him other than a Honda that had left, my knuck and this "pan", there were only two other bikes there even worth looking at and they had only pulled up a few moments ago.  "Oh really, where are they", he asked?  I pointed, right over there man and he promptly replied, "right there"?  Yeah man, right there, well those are ours he said!  Okay, now we are rolling!  Check out these bad bitches!

Now the hard core amongst us reading this will remember that above I used the phrase cool stockers.  They would ask the question, how can it be stock and still be cool?  This is how a bike can be 100% bone stock and be the coolest damn thing in a sea of what was now probably at least 5 or 600 bikes!

That is a 100% bone stock, 1947 big inch flat head!  It was original right on down to the paint!  I spent so much time talking and looking at this bike that I actually got a call from my wife inside the restaurant, pissed, wondering where the hell I went?  I told her and she immediately understood.  THIS BIKE WAS PHENOMENAL!  Now as amazing as this was, wait till you see the scoot his old lady rode in on!  You guys have heard me say that rigid sporty chops are where it's at now!  Here is the perfect example of what a bad ass sporty chop is!  This thing is bad ass right on down to the old ammo can used for a saddle bag!  Check it!  It's got a Wassel Tank, ribbed fender, sprung front end and is just plain bad ass! 


So as it turns out, it wasn't that there weren't people there who rode awesomely cool chops and vintage iron, it's just that they don't get there early!  Thank God folks!  This saved my entire night!  As I kick started my old knuck and rode away, I heard the worst sound that I have ever heard come out of my engine and my night immediately went to shit again!  So again, I ask, when did it all change?  When did my bike go from a perfectly running 64 year old knuck to a knuck with a horrid sound!  When do we catch a FUCKING BREAK I ask?

In closing, all I can say is that the event wasn't that awful.  Even though it was not wall to wall bikes that I dig, what it was, was wall to wall people who I really dug who went out of their way to make me feel really welcome!  I think with each week that passes, this event will grow, more people will learn of it and although I am sure they will show up late, more and more kick ass old chops will roll on in! 

To me, it don't matter what you ride, just get out and fucking ride folks.... but if you do live in one of the hottest places on the planet and you are riding 11 miles to bike night, TAKE THE DAMN WINDSHIELD OFF, believe me, you will need the air to cool off your body!  Till we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit