4 way burnout at BMR!

What could possibly be better than a burnout? A fucking four way burnout! A four way burnout with all four bikes being damn near antique iron! The BMR is a must attend event and will forever be on my annual to do list. I missed the first two and I will never miss another! If you have yet to attend, then you need to add it on your list of must attend events. It is like stepping back in time to bike runs of yesteryear! Honest to God debauchery is alive and well!



Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

So I have this theory....

...... and by God it really seems to hold true.  I have been compiling information and statistics on this theory of mine for many years now.  I have shared this theory with others and at first they tell me that I am an idiot, but when they stop for a moment to think about it, they too realized that I am really on to something.  Once you hear this theory you will think that I am nuts as well, but then you too will stop and think about it and I bet dollars to doughnuts you will be a convert to my theory as well.....

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

Okay, well then, here goes.  Now don't hold this against me, this has nothing to do with hatred, dislike, cruelty or any other bad thing you can call me or accuse me of being, this is just something that I have witnessed over the years and began to mentally document these facts many years ago.  I never told anyone this theory until about 2 years or so ago.  Okay, don't hate me but here is my theory.  I firmly believe that there is some hidden, unknown driving force, or unwritten law that when you have a child and that child is either mentally retarded or born with down syndrome, that child must be named Matt!  I know this sounds crazy but stop and think about anyone with one of these conditions that you have met in your life?  You are smirking right now thinking, wait, how can that be?  But it's true right?  Really, stop and think about it, I bet you that at the very least 8 out of 10 of that you have met, known or have been related to are named Matt, Matty or Matthew..... nearly without fail this theory of mine holds true. 

It's almost like you have the baby and the doctor comes in and says folks, I've got some bad news, your child was born and there is a problem so here are the list of names you are allowed by law to name your son.  Matt, Matty or Matthew, take a moment and the nurse will be in to fill in the blanks on the birth certificate!  Okay, so you think I am a monster right now for pointing this out but facts are facts.  Take some time and think about this theory and the more you think about it, the more you will see it, clearer and clearer.  For the rest of your life, every single time you see a 10 year old boy, pick up his father and throw him across the aisle in the toys r us like a rag doll and the mother yells at him, "Matthew, stop it"!  "Now go and pick your father up off the floor and say you are sorry", you will forever think of me.  Just to add more credence to my theory, while on the BMR we stopped at Wheels Through Time Museum and I had to throw away my empty Red Bull can, so I walked over to the picnic table area where  I saw a group of people gathered.  I asked if there was a garbage bag or can around and they said "sure, it's right over there by Matt".  "Matty, raise your hand so this nice man knows where you are".  I turned and all that I could think of was "of course"!  Here is a photo of me and my new friend Matty!

Now I know you are thinking okay, so that is just a crazy coincidence right.  Well here is the kicker, when they said, "Matty, raise your hand", both my new friend with the helmet and the guy behind him both raised their hands!  LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I REST MY CASE!

Okay, let the hate mail flow but after, keep an open mind and a note pad and start tracking this theory on your own.  You will see that your friend Jack Shit is really on to something here!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit  and my three cousins Matt, Matthew and Matty

Teach proving once again that old iron is the best iron!

Last year during the Sturgis rally, I had told Teach that Mike Lichter wanted to shoot some bikes doing burnouts at the Broken Spoke Saloon Downtown. Teach said I'd love to but I have to ride Elvis all the way back home. I said no worries, just thought I'd ask. People say that these old bikes are just for show anyway, you can't really ride them, they have to be treated like a new born baby. With that, I walked away and I knew it would light a fire inside of him! I don't think it took 10 minutes for Teach to come walking up to me with an intense look on his face, "I'm in" he said. I'll show everyone what you can do with old iron! I knew he would not let me down. It was my birthday and he had just received an award from Easy Rider Magazine for something, I'm not sure, Teach gets a lot of awards and each and every single one is truly well deserved! He proceeded to do one of the sickest burnouts I have ever seen, ON ANY BIKE, much less a 1939 Knuckle!

Well here we are, about 9 months later and rather than Sturgis, we are in Reliance, Tennessee and we are hangin out at the one and only BMR or the Cycle Source Magazine, Big Mountain Run for those of you who are unfamiliar with it. We were several days in to the party and believe me when I tell you, we were all at it pretty damn good for a few days. You could see a "lull" in the crowd and everyone was more or less just kicking back. I had finally just sat down in a real comfy chair and took a moment to rest my tired ass! Not seconds later, I could see the entire crowd come to life across the field and like a wave, people came towards the field. I knew whatever was going on, IT HAD TO BE COOL! Well my friends, this was what was going on! Teach came screaming on to the field, skid sideways to a quick stop and from there it was on. Here is what I was able to capture.

OLD IRON IS THE BEST IRON, Teach, you fucking rock man!



Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

I have to blame it on the Moonshine!

I believe that during this 52 second interview, I said "fuck" like 27 times. It is not my fault though, I was fed moonshine non stop for 4 days leading up to this! It is a combination of truth serum and Viagra all in one. Since I had no way to enjoy the benefit of the "Viagra" effect, I had to roll with the "truth serum" aspect of it! What can I say, I'm from back east and we curse and since I was back east, what better way to pay homage than to speak in my native tongue!

If you have not met Matt or his pops Dale from Wheels Through Time Museum in Maggie Valley, North Carolina, you have no idea what you are missing out on! Not only do they host the finest collection of motorcycles on earth in this reporters humble opinion, but they are some of the finest, most humble and hard working people that I have had the pleasure to come to know in my travels. They define "class" and "hospitality"!

We were just hanging out at BMR 3 last weekend and I decided to do an impromptu interview for posterity. I should have taken the time to edit the videos together of the pan he rode along with this, but I was far too lazy. The bike was sick. If you ever get anywhere near Maggie Valley, you must get to the museum before it is too late and you miss your chance to witness an amazing sight.



Just to give you an example of how cool this dude is, check this out. Last year, I was running the Long Road and one of the end of the day stops was Wheels. They allowed us to camp right on their front lawn along the babbling brook. If that was not cool enough, they opened the doors to us and told us to make ourselves at home. As the evening progressed a massive storm blew through. We were all more or less soaked to the bone and as we huddled around the fire to try and dry up and get warm, Matt leaned in and said to me "hey man, it's too shitty out, if you want, that's my house right there, just knock on the door and come sleep in there". An offer to a total stranger, from a total stranger out of the goodness of his heart! We had only met two hours earlier when I insulted him! Now he is offering me a place to sleep in his home. Truly amazing. One day, I'll share the story of how I insulted him and although I never meant to do it, I still did it pretty well!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

What would you do with a 100 year old motorcycle?

There were a ton of great memories from this years Big Mountain Run but I have got to say that some of my absolute favorites were watching Matt from Wheels Through Time Museum in Maggie Valley, North Carolina do all in his power to decimate and destroy this 1915 Harley! He could see the look on my face each time he did something insane and he would immediately say to me, "go ahead man, you take it and see if you can kill it"! UHM, NO! I MEAN NO THANK YOU! I would say that this pushed southern hospitality to the ultimate limit. I have a firm policy that if I can't pay to fix it, I won't ride it. Accidents happen, we never mean to break shit, but sometimes, shit just falls apart. With the luck that I have, I just knew better than to even sit on the seat of this bad bitch! Matt, my friend, you are first class! I hope that you enjoyed the Big Mountain Run as much as I did. You deserved a break from working in the museum and I would certainly say that this qualified as a break! I hope you go back to the museum refreshed and ready to take on the world! Until we see each other on the road again my friend, keep the wind in your face, tits in your back and the man off your ass! With the crew that you hang around with, I would say take that "keep the man off your ass" part of that to heart!



For those of you who were unable to attend BMR 3, you have absolutely no idea what you missed. Bikes, brotherhood and booze, the three B's! It does not get better than this! So make your plans to attend next years event! See you there.

it's all about your crew!

...... and who we choose to surround ourselves with!  Sure there are times when things are good and we let our guard down and a scumbag or two slips through the cracks, but they are inevitably found out to be just that and like a malignant tumor, we cut them out of our lives, hope that the cancer didn't spread and count our blessings that we were able to catch the malignancy fast enough before any real damage could be done or before it poisoned any vital organs!  Rather than look back and worry about what may have happened we look forward and that is what separates us from the rest of the citizenry out there!  We, BIKERS are a different kind of people, we are formed in a very different style mold than others and for that, we should be very proud!

About two weeks ago, a post was put up on face book about Cycle Source Magazine's, Big Mountain Run.  Earlier in the year, I had big hopes and aspirations about riding cross country to attend this event that I had heard so very much about.  From the time that I had made my initial plans to the time that post was put up, LIFE HAPPENED as it usually does and it seemed that there was no way on earth that I was going to be able to attend the event, much less ride to it!  I answered that thread and said that it doesn't look like I will be making the run, that the knuck had a horrible noise and the fxrs was not quite ready for a cross country trip.  It looked like I wouldn't see any of my friends until Born Free at best.  The first post under mine was Chris from Cycle Source asking what he could do to help me get out there and that was followed up by Mailman.  I thought to myself, how nice, at the very least, I will be missed right?  Then a little "1" popped up on my home page over the mail box.  It was a message from Mailman and it simply said, if you can make it to Atlanta, YOU CAN RIDE MY SHOVELHEAD!  Well my friends, this was enough to entice this ol' scooter jockey to respond.  "OH REALLY", I believe was what I sent back.  If you fly in to Atlanta, I will pick you up at the airport, take you back to my place and in the morning we can ride out to Tennessee.  "No shit, really"?  That is very kind of you, let me look in to airfare and such and see what I could come up with.  As luck would have it, flights were available and the fares were not all that bad.  I began to get a bit excited at the prospect that I would not be missing my first BMR!  I also became excited with the prospect of putting a thousand miles or so on an old shovel.  Sure as shit, true to his word, waiting for me in the Atlanta Airport when I arrived was Mailman and his buddy Phil Sims.  We have to pick up a transmission if that is okay with you?  If it's okay with me?  You just battled rush hour traffic to pick me up, to allow me to stay in your home with your family and then loan me one of your most prized possessions, okay with me, hell, I don't care if we have to go steal a transmission, I AM IN & IT IS SURE AS SHIT COOL WITH ME!!!  We stopped and picked up the tranny and headed back to Phil's shop.  When we arrived and pulled in the back of the building, I got a chill down my spine!  They have taken me to this God forsaken spot to kill themselves a Yankee and get some pay back, I THINK THE SOUTH WAS ABOUT TO RISE AGAIN!

Oh yeah, for sure I was going to be chopped up in to little pieces and welded up in to a 55 gallon drum.  My brain started to race, were these guys related to some girl whose heart I broke many years ago and she was just waiting to get even?  This was her opportunity to bring me across the country where I would never be found.  Hell, what crazy white boy would be nuts enough to come around this "hood" anyway?  I slowly got out of the car quickly trying to assess which would be the best direction to run in when I heard them light the torch?  Phil had a line up of old cars, trucks and campers out by the door to bait me in and I was taking the bait!  As you can see from the above pics, this is the shit that was just left laying outside, what I found when I walked through the doors quickly took my attention from escape route to I HAVE TO SEE THAT!  What an amazing old building and it was filled to capacity with nothing but super cool shit!  I walked straight in right past the first bad ass car to look at a bunch of tins and assorted other HARLEY GOODIES laying about, all with fresh paint on them.  What a spectacular job Phil did with these and hell, they were not even finished yet!

What truly blew me away though was what was just past those Harley parts.  A T bucket that was nothing short of insane. You know how on hot rods and pick up trucks, especially down south, the driver would always paint his name on the door and he would paint his girl's name on the passenger door?  Then as time went by, trouble would arise between the couple, usually because he loved that damn car or truck more than he loved that girl.  The ultimatum would be given, either THE CAR GOES OR I DO!  Well that ultimatum had been given to Phil as well.  I could tell you more, but hey, it's easier to show you.  Here is how Phil responded to those very threats;

As you can see, he put his Given Name on the drivers door!

 ..... and also as you can plainly see here, Phil does not respond well to ultimatums!  The car or me?

Phil really does some amazing work in that shop.  The car was called the "TACO TRAPPER" and I believe that this bad bitch has lived up to its name and then some!  Along with the cool, comes the strange.  Once you continue past the bucket you enter in to what would be the Studio, if you will.  Obviously the bed in the middle "for photo shoots" grabbed my attention for sure but I have to say that I think it was the damn near life sized SPACE SHIP mounted to the wall that truly grabbed my attention.

If you are down in Atlanta and need to get hooked up with someone who obviously has mad skills, then you need to check Phil and his shop out.  Thanks Mailman for taking me there and thank you and Phil both for not chopping me up and putting me in to a drum and throwing me in the swamp, it won't soon be forgotten.

We pulled out of the shop and I was relieved and stoked at the same time.  What did Mailman have in store for me next?  We arrived at Chateau De' Mailman and I must admit, it was sweet.  When you hang with and all your friends are "dirty ass bikers", you really never know what to expect when you are heading to some one's home that you have never visited yet.  The more hardcore the guy, the less you expect in "quality" of living conditions.  Once again, I was surprised beyond my wildest dreams.  As we pulled in the driveway, the garage door opened and there she was, one of the purtiest, bad ass shovels that I have seen in a long time.  Everything about this bike was absolutely perfect!  As I stood there gawking like a pedophile at a grammar school field day, Mrs. Mailman or better known as the Mailbox, came out and gave me a huge hug and welcomed me to her home!  What a fine example of southern hospitality!  I unloaded my bags, went in the house and was given the LAZY BOY for my very own "base of operations", until it was time to go.  I unzipped my big ass suitcase and as my small way of saying thank you, I dished out some I KNOW JACK SHIT HOODIES and gave their beautiful and talented daughter Darci a Jack Shit shirt of her very own, although, I don't know where a kid can wear one out to, but hell, that will be her problem.  I am thinking college interviews will be the perfect place to wear it!  Within moments, the hospitality reared its head again when a 36 lb burritto was placed in front of me and I was asked, "ya hungry"?  Well, not that hungry!  I could have eaten that thing all week long.  This woman was so kind and such an excellent host it was amazing.  Cheryl had read a post I had written asking about stores near the BMR.  I don't drink coffee, instead in the morning, I start my day off with a can of Rockstar and on the door of the fridge was a four pack.  This lovely southern belle had gone ahead and picked up a box of Rockstars for me.....  my heart was full of love and my belly full of food, what a welcome.  In the morning we would head off and meet up with Jeremy and friends from Muttin Cycles so we had to get to bed reasonably early.  Only one problem with that, I am on west coast time.  I had not slept since Sunday night and it was now 3 am on Wednesday morning, I was wide awake and I had to get up in 4 hours or so to start the trip, not good!  Excitement won over and in just a few hours, I was up and ready to ride.  Only one problem, it was 43 degrees in warm and wonderful Atlanta!  Two pair of socks, two pair of jeans, 3 shirts and an I know Jack Shit Hoodie, topped off with a goretek neck warmer and wool skull cap and two pair of gloves and I was ready to go.  Okay, one more problem, I had so many layers of clothes on, I could barely get my leg over the bike to ride.  I managed and we were off!

We hit the road and we were off!  The bike rode like a wet dream and it was the very first time that I had ever ridden a pogo seat for any distance.  IT WAS AMAZING!  The bike was a total pleasure to ride and the crew I was riding with was stellar.  An old biker like me could not have asked for anything more than to be atop a bad ass scooter riding the twisties with a few good ol' boys!

All we needed now was for the sun to come out and for my balls to drop back in to their rightful place between my legs instead of hiding from the cold up somewhere in my lower ab region!  So how about the ride, how about Wheels Through Time and how about the BIG MOUNTAIN RUN you ask, well I guess you will have to pick up the next issue of CYCLE SOURCE MAGAZINE to read about that.  Just as I was getting ready to pull on out of Reliance, Tennessee, Chris asked me to write about the event from my perspective!  To say that I was honored would be an understatement.  I get to write about the best time that I have had in a very long time and I get to share it with the world in my favorite Bike Mag, what could possibly be better I ask?  So don't forget to watch out for BMR coverage in Cycle Source Magazine! 

To brother Mailman, none of this would have been possible without you.  For your girl Cheryl or The Mailbox, thank you so much for your hospitality, I only hope to repay it soon.  For the rest of your crew down there in Atlanta and beyond, thank you for welcoming me in to the fold!  You guys gave me some memories that I won't forget and some riding that when I close my eyes still makes me feel like I am in the saddle. 

I can't wait until the next BMR and that is a fact but even more, I can't wait to ride side by side with this crew again!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Not quite what I had planned!

The best part about living in Arizona is that depending on the season, you can damn near jump in your pool anytime.  Hell, you can even jump in during the winter if you have the balls to do it!  There is nothing quite like coming home from a long ride, or long trip and stripping off your clothes as you walk through the house with the last piece coming off as you are about to dive in!  Well it is a good thing that I wasn't pulling my shirt up and over my head as I dove in or I would be typing this with a straw from my snazzy new electric wheel chair.  You see, some changes took place at the Shit House while I was gone.  In the few times that I was able to get Diane on the phone from the middle of nowhere Tennessee, all she kept saying is, "wait till you see the house".  Perhaps she should have said, wait till you see the pool!  It is a good thing I didn't just dive right in.  Have you ever seen a piece of cheese pushed through a cheese grater?  Well that is what I would have looked like!  While I was gone, it seems that the lil woman did more than just re-arrange some furniture!  I thought I heard the sound of a jack hammer while we were on the phone  but she assured me that it was just her vibrator!  What do I know?  Hell, I thought she picked up one of those new diesel powered ones.  This is what I came home to.

It seems that perhaps someone was not completely truthful over the phone with me!  Oh well, it seems that my 11 foot deep diving pool will now be a 6 foot deep play pool and I am thrilled about that!  I love when she takes charge and makes command decisions!  I would procrastinate and we would not have begun this until the dead of winter!  I can't imagine making it through an AZ summer without a pool.  I will keep you posted as to how it comes along, so far so good.  Right now, it looks like the surface of the moon and I kind of dig this look.  It matches my rugged spirit!  I will keep you fine folks updated and when this damn thing is done, I'm thinking POOL PARTY! 

I'm back from BMR now and the trip was truly fantastic.  I saw things that I always dreamed of and I saw things I never dreamed of all in the same day.  There will be no way to tell the tale in one post so I am going to have to figure out how to share the story and as soon as I do, I will share it with you folks, my friends!

Last night was Diane's shot night and by the grace of God, once again, she had absolutely no bad reaction.  I can't begin to tell you how relieved I was.  I was so completely and utterly exhausted from the trip that I was terrified that when the reaction came that I would be passed out and not hear her when she needed me.  It didn't happen, nothing happened at all and she slept through the night like a baby, only waking up on occasion to ask me why was I sitting up in bed?  "I'm keeping watch, just in case" was my answer.  By about 6 am, I knew we were in the clear and I could sleep all day, or until 7:45 when the guys came to work on the pool!  Oh well, we can't have it all and I will take a lack of sleep over a bad reaction each and every single time!

Also on a positive note, I survived the Rapture, so I guess that is a good thing?  Or is it a bad thing?  Was God supposed to take the good people or the bad people?  How about those idiots who gave this fool their life savings so that he could "afford" to spread the word to the people of the world.  Luckily, he has a new date for us all to expire, so don't stop sending in those checks just yet! 

I missed so much while I was away riding murdersickles!  What else was there?  Oh yeah, Arnold knocked up some chick and the kid is now 10 or 14, who knows, there may be more  and he is getting divorced.  Another hypocritical politician, is anyone at all shocked by this?  No, didn't think so!  The guy from Taxi after trying to revive his career by going on celebrity rehab overdosed and is currently in a coma yet another thing I don't think anyone will be shocked by.  So much going on!

On a very serious note, the people of Joplin, Missouri, you are in my thoughts and prayers.  I have never in my life seen such devastation from a storm.  I believe I heard that nearly 70% of Joplin has been completely leveled?  I can't begin to imagine what that would be like.  We have dear friends who live there and their whole family is okay, thank God but their neighbors and friends didn't do so well.  I am not sure what can be done to help these people or who will collect money for them and actually put those funds where they are needed but I am sure the salvation army and the red cross are good places to start!  In only a matter of minutes, the people of Joplin went from living in the "best place in Mo." to living in a war zone!  Things can happen in a flash or an instant and that is why you always hear me saying that we need to live each and every single moment to the absolute fullest.  You just never know what the next few minutes, much less days or years will bring so make the very best of it! Tell the one you love that you love them every chance you can!  Cherish what you have, no matter how great or small and give until it hurts, trust me, it will make you feel amazing!

I have a great deal to share with you folks, I just need to find the time to do it, but don't worry, it will be coming soon.  Don't forget to tell your friends that the Jewelry raffle is still going on.  For each and every Jack Shit t'shirt that you guys order, you get entered to win some spectacular jewelry from the one and only Chopper Doll of Lola's Boutique!  Check out that post for more details. 

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and the Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

One insane BMR moment!

FAR TOO EXHAUSTED AT THIS TIME TO WRITE. For those of you who have sent so many messages hoping I am having a good time or asking how was the BMR? Allow me to give you a taste of just one single moment in time. Picture this; the band is rocking, the weather gorgeous and the moonshine flowing like a river, what's left to do? Stage dive of course! Well when you use a cabin's front porch for the stage, it does not leave much in the way of space for fans to DIVE! So how do you fix that you ask? Easy folks, you don't jump from the stage of course, you jump from the roof of the cabin! Hell, it seemed to make sense at the time.

HERE IS ONE SINGLE BMR MOMENT CAUGHT IN TIME!!! So then, I guess we will be seeing you next year there? Yeah, thought so!