It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Saturday, April 9, 2011


I AM OFFICIALLY THROWING DOWN THE BULLSHIT FLAG!  I have sat idly, my fingers still and away from the keyboard on the subject of government, the State of the Union, the politicians who ran away from their responsibility and this fucking fiasco that we just witnessed once again with "keeping the govt. running"!  I am so sick of all this self serving bullshit coming out of Washington that I can barely keep my mouth shut anymore, much less my fingers still on the keys!  I just can't do it anymore! 

I heard a collective sigh of relief tonight as the announcement came that "the government will stay open" like it is a Chuck E. Cheese with a bad location.  Then I watched as all these ego maniacs and "criminals", yes, I called them criminals, stood at the podium in the Senate and thanked each other on both sides of the aisle for working so hard to get this done!  TO GET WHAT DONE?  You should have passed a budget back in October, when you had control of all of the power in Washington and you couldn't even do that!  Now to listen to who's fault this is, I call BULLSHIT! I heard speeches about HOW HARD THEY WORKED and how BRUTAL it was at times.  Really, BRUTAL AT TIMES?  How about the soldiers and their families that for the last week lived in fear that they would be shot at and blown the fuck up and not get paid for it, how about them?   Do your God Damned Jobs!  You make promises that you know you will never be able to keep while you campaign and we are forced to decide not who is the best candidate but who is the lesser of two evils and that plain sucks.  I have never considered myself to be of any party, I think that there are good ideas and there are bad ones and they seem obvious to me and it was a miracle I got out of high school and these are supposed to be the smartest people we have? 

We send our finest assets, our youth to foreign lands to defend freedom that the people of those same foreign lands don't even want and kill our kids who are trying to get it for them!  Enough is enough.  We sit around and listen to our President apologize to the world for all the bad that America has done and yet every single time there is a problem in some fucking cesspool of a country, they call us!  We have become the local Police Department to the entire world and I am sick of it!  I understand the argument for being in Afghanistan, I know what is going on over there, I am well read!  I also understand that these very same people have been fighting a war since damn near the beginning of time, it's what they do.  They raise a goat, grow some opium and go to war, that is life there.  Let's be done with it all.  Pack up our soldiers, pack up our gear and send all the equipment and all our soldiers home!  People say then if we leave, Al Qaeda and the Taliban will get a stronghold, I say so what!  Here is my idea, perhaps it's crazy but at least it's close to home!

Shut down the TSA!  They are out of business, they suck at their job anyway!  Bring every single United States Soldier home, now!  If you are a soldier from Arkansas, then you will work security in Arkansas, whether at the airport, the capitol or any place else that has some minimum wage schlub who pays attention to nothing anyway!  Border patrol, don't need them anymore!  If you are a soldier and you live in Texas, guess what, you now serve inside our border and you face outward.  No one crosses illegally, no one!  You live in Florida you guard the shoreline.  You are in the Navy, you will no longer secure some sandbox in the desert, you will guard the coast of the USA.  Not one more US Marine will storm the shore of another country ever again unless we are attacked directly and then they will get to see the power of the most amazing military to ever step foot on a battlefield!  A well rested, well loved, fit and healthy military.  Every one goes home every day or if they are stationed in a big state, every week for a few days.  Allow our soldiers who have given up everything to defend freedom for people who don't want it, for longer than they ever imagined being away to hold on to their lives!  To not lose their homes, their jobs or their families!  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! 

At the time of writing this, I don't currently have the numbers of service men and women but I would take that number and divide it by number of miles around the perimeter of the continental United States and space them accordingly!  Our embassies around the world, sell the real estate, we don't need it anymore.  Take the money that we spend up keeping those MANSIONS around the globe and take that money and feed and clothe some homeless and hungry soldiers who have served this once great nation in the past, proudly!  For once, let us not worry about other people's quality of life, let us finally, once and for all, take care of our own!  We won't have to worry about the cost of war because we will be done with war!  If you have the audacity to attack this nation, then you will bear the full brunt of our military might and we can drop a bomb from a drone that will turn your sandbox in to a bright and shiny piece of colored glass and we can have two 18 year old kids do it while sitting in a leather chair from a non -descript strip mall in Nevada!

I say change the statue of liberty's arm to an outstretched arm with hand up in the air for the world to see and have her giving the finger!  Paint a big T'shirt on her that reads FUCK OFF, WE'RE FULL! 

I know you are thinking "uhm, wow"!  This is not normally what I "tune in to" Jack Shit's blog for.  I know, you come here to laugh and it is my sworn duty to make you laugh but every once in a great while, I just can't take it any longer!  I have to throw out the Bullshit flag.  Will it do anything?  Nope!  Not a damn thing!  Will anything I said ever be possible, NOPE!  Just remember this, 800,000 federal workers were deemed non essential today, if they didn't pass this Stop Gap measure, they would not have to come to work.  800,000 workers that are non essential!  If they are non essential, get rid of them, fuck man, we are paying for their non essential asses.  Remember, they said it, not me!  Never discuss politics or religion or you run the risk of pissing people off but sometimes you have to make some waves or the pond grows stagnant!  So if this pissed you off, sorry, but it is how I feel!  If you agree, then stand up and scream it, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!  This was the final statement out of Washington today, "in the mean time, we will pass a short term resolution to keep the government running till Thursday"......  Till Thursday?  So come Wednesday, we get to go through all this again?  You can bet your ass we are going to go through this again!  I remember seeing in a movie once, someone asked a Congressman, "with all this going on here, how do you guys ever get anything done, WE DON'T, that's the beauty of the system".  Ahhh, what do I know?  This was just a middle of the night, angry American rant!  Read it, take something from it, or print it and wipe your ass with it.  One way or another, I had to get it off my chest, I am just plain sick of all the bullshit, from all sides!

JUST BRING THESE KIDS HOME AND BRING THEM HOME NOW!  THEY HAVE DONE ENOUGH ALREADY!  If you were elected to serve "we the people" then you best damn well do it or be voted the hell out!  PEOPLE, MAKE YOUR VOTE COUNT!  No longer allow Career Politicians, term limits must be put in place for all of our own good!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


I had heard about the legendary Wet T contests at the Dirty Dogg Saloon for months and was both excited and worried at the same time.  I was excited because I knew damn well that we would have a packed house and that is when I do my best work, but worried to death because I knew damn well that I had to take this contest above and beyond what it is on any given Wednesday.  I mean a few beautiful girls, a big tub of water and gorgeous girls pouring it on them, how the hell to you top that? 

Wednesday came and the bar was jam packed all day.  People had come in early and laid claim to their very own real estate and spent the rest of the day defending it!  If you have never experienced a bar that is best described as "asses and elbows" then it is hard to explain.  The cocktail waitresses had long given up on carrying trays and were carrying drinks two at a time with their arms outstretched over the heads of the packed house, it was a zoo and we were still 4 plus hours from the contest going off.  Most bike events host some form of wet t contest and they get a few girls up on stage.  Most of those girls are drunk and that is the only reason they even climbed up on stage.  You get your obligatory "big girls" that make the crowd go crazy.  You know the girls I mean right?  When they take off their bras and get in to that tank top, their nipples point straight down at the ground and they get the crowd all fired up by throwing one titty over their shoulder and putting the other in their mouth!  You get a few girls with good bodies, sadly they have butter faces.  What is a butter face you ask?  Well that is when you look at someone and say wow, everything about her is hot, BUT HER FACE, butter face, get it?  Usually, the Dogg's very own Shelly runs the contest and gets all the girls signed up and it is a huge pain in the ass!  Early on in the day, I offered to take that stress off of her and just let her work and do what it is that she normally does which is hard enough work.  If you are wondering what it is she normally does, here is an example;

She jumped on that opportunity and as she did I wondered, wow, she really let me have that fast, did I just screw myself?  Now this is not just your normal wet t contest, there is big money involved in this shit!  Most places will get the girls up, not tell them what they can win and when they do hand them a $50 bill and say thanks..... NOT AT THE DIRTY DOGG!  We tell the ladies right from the get go, $500 first place $200 second place and $100 third place.  That's what I'm talking about!  With those kind of prizes, I figured that I would have my first 10 girls in 30 seconds right?  WRONG!  There were so many people in the bar that the girls could not even get over to me to sign up and 35 minutes later, I had two girls signed up.  One, the owner had singed up himself!  I was in a panic.  I thought the contest was going to go off with 2 girls and that I would be a complete failure.  I was freaking out to say the least.  I went behind the bar to tell the owner that I had failed him and he just laughed.  It was almost 10pm and I had but 2 girls signed up.  He said, "trust me, you won't have a problem", "the show won't even start till 12:30-1am....".  Oh thank God!  He was right, slowly but surely, the ladies kept finding me in the bar and they were in it to win it!  Because of the reputation of this contest and it's prizes, not only did we get the lovely "girl next door types" but we got the "professional" types as well.  Local dancers and Porn stars!  Now we are rolling.  There are NO MEN allowed ever on the bar at the Dogg, but that was about to change, I would host the contest from atop the bar and I was one proud host!  I like to get right in the mix of all I am involved in but with my wireless mic, I couldn't.  Each time I crossed in front of the speakers I got serious feedback, like a dog trying to cross the wireless fence, I would get a shock on my neck and send me right back to my SPOT!  It was torture!  I had promised that I would only allow 10 girls in the contest, but hell, this was The Dogg and it was Bike Week, I had to allow another 5!  15 lovely ladies all in it to win it, this was going to be one hell of a show and it was.

As you can see, the view from the front of the bar was phenomenal, but my view from atop the bar and 20 feet away was brutal.  I could announce the girls, see them climb on up and get in the tub but once they were in, I could barely see what the hell was going on!  By the reaction from the crowd, men and women alike, I miss missing out on some serious shit!  My bosses said put that mic down and get in there or no one will believe you ever hosted this thing.  I said this is not about me, it's about the people in the crowd, they laughed and said, THERE IS ALREADY A SAINT JOHN!  Now get your ass in there.  By the time I got over and got to pour water on the last entrant there was barely any water even left to pour on anyone, so I had to pour it LONG AND SLOW!  It's a tough job, but sometimes you just have to take one for the team, roll up your sleeves and get in to the mix, so that is what I did!  I took one for the team.  I turned off my mic so not to blow every one's ear drums as I passed in front of the speakers, put it in my back pocket so not to ruin it and slowly walked across the bar which was so soaked it was like walking barefoot on ice.  I had finally answered the call of JACK SHIT, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! 

You can see here how I tentatively approached the situation!

Here I am getting instructions from Shelly on how to pour water properly, thanks Shelly!

Do I not look like the Cat who finally caught the mouse?
You can clearly see that I even wore my white t shirt in case I myself had to enter the contest.  Hey, they all need one obligatory "big person" in them right?  Well luckily, I didn't have to get in it!  We had the guys from Knockout Motorcycles from Mesa come in to guest judge the show but the final verdict of who won was left up to yours truly.  I want everyone to know, that I stayed far away during the judging process and I was not swayed by any of these lovely ladies treacherous moves or wizardry!  We kept it fair and honest.  I based my decision on performance, but mostly kept notes on the crowds reaction and applause and believe me, when you have 14 girls involved in this, it takes a long time to go through and there is a lot of cheering.  I ran my numbers past our guest judges and we all agreed wholeheartedly on the top 3!  Another successful night at the Dogg! 

I want you guys to know, that this does not only take place during Bike Week, this very same contest happens each and every single Wednesday of the year, so get your ass up to the one and only Dirty Dogg Saloon and tell them your friend, Jack Shit sent ya!

I want to give a very special thanks to Julie Red from Photopizazz for capturing all of these amazing shots and believe me, there are so many more.  I just didn't want this post to be a mile long.

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and the Man off your ass!

Until we see each other again on the road, I am, your friend, Jack Shit!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I can't remember having a little bit of fun HURTING SO BAD!

I was fired up about hosting the Dirty Dogg Saloon and found myself having trouble getting to sleep.  No matter what gig it is that I am about to perform at, my insides shake, my nerves get frazzled and my head races.  What if this is the time that I bomb!  They say that you are not truly a performer until you bomb, well I guess that I am not truly a performer as it has yet to happen.  I am waiting for the executioners axe to fall, will it be this time?  It doesn't matter if I am performing a wedding ceremony for a couple in love, a funeral service for a ffamily in pain, Stand Up comedy for a packed house of drunken maniacs or hosting the greatest bar in the land at the largest motorcycle rally on earth, right up to the split second that my mic gets turned on and I shout "What's Up Mother Fuckers", does the pressure ease.  I channel all those nerves, all that fear and anxiety and it just explodes out of me.  Once I start, I can't be stopped!  It's addictive and I am hooked!  As it turns out, the night before Bike Week was about to begin, I had moved a bike or two and a shit ton of furniture to get the house ready for our "IRON DOLLS" to visit and play sleep over.  I must have done something stupid because about 5 am, I was awoken with pain that I haven't felt in years.  How does one go to bed fine and wake up 3 hours later and not be able to walk?  I don't know either, but sure as shit, IT DID.   I have learned one simple rule in life, if something bad is going to happen, IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME!  I wrapped it in a brace and headed off to Knockout.
We kicked off Bike Week early with a party over at Knockout Motorcycles in Mesa.  We hung out in their new shop, had a few drinks, checked out the bikes and took the tour.  Not only do they have a show room, a build and service shop but they also have a full Studio attached to the building for photo and video shoots.  Now with that you would think that this area would be kept spotless clean and there would be nothing in there.  Well that is far from accurate.  Parked in the middle of the photo studio is the newest Knockout project.  Sure, you would think obviously a new bike build right?  WRONG!  These maniacs purchased an armoured truck that had been literally shot to shit!  They are turning it into a limo to go and party in.  Imagine the cop that pulls this thing over and asks "can I search your vehicle" and the response is simply, "if you think you can get in, you can".  We took off from Knockout on a group ride up to the Dogg and it was a mad dash up the 101 in Snottsdale and it was tight, fast, mean and well organized.  Right up until we were going to pass the exit ramp and 40 of us had to get over 5 lanes of high speed bumper to bumper traffic..... then we looked sort of like the balls inside of a bingo machine!  We all made it!  From that point on, we partied like rock stars.  Sunday we followed it up with the Born2BWild Wildlife run and that was fantastic.  I wrote about that two posts back so go check it out when you get a chance.

Monday came and the locals had gone off to work and the pace of the bar slowed down greatly and I began to freak out!  I am standing in a bar that compared to the previous day now looks desolate.  Holy Shit, does the boss think they we are not pulling our weight?  Will he think that he screwed up hiring us?  How can it be this slow?  As it turns out, AZ Bike Week really don't begin until Wednesday and the boss knew damn well already that this was the case, I however did not and was freaking out.  Each night came and the bar got busy but not blockbuster.  That's when Brother Bean're decided that the World Shuffle Board Championship would begin!

...... and holy shit did he take this serious!  Bean're managed to crush the competition all night long.  I had no idea this was all going on until I was told about his facebook posts claiming to be the Champion of the World and daring any and all to come down and take him on!  The next day he was walking around like a proud rooster.  That is until he asked me to play!  I had not played this game in nearly 8 years but figured sure, what the hell, I'll try it.  Needless to say, it was a blow out, I beat his ass like a red headed step child!  I walked outside to smoke a victory cigarette and all the bouncers asked what happened, I informed them of my victory and they made me post up on my facebook status the same information!  This is when I learned of Bean's posts about being world champ!  I did not play again, I retired a champion!  The following day was Tattoo Tuesday and although it seemed a bit slow in the afternoon, 30 bikes would pull in and the same would pull out.  I have never seen a bar work like a toilet.  It was full, then flushed, emptied and immediately filled back up with fresh water or in this case, bikers!  That next day, before the madness ensued, we played a little Texas Holdem Poker, another game I have never played.  It was funny and strange all at the same time. 

I had started Tuesday off with a surprise visit at my house from none other than Kevin "Teach" Baas and his lovely wife Amy, along with a few other friends.  What a way to start the day.  When it came time to go, we left early and we all rode over together to TT's Roadhouse to see Skoog and help him kick off bike week there.  I was only able to hang out for 45 minutes before having to ride out to work but it was good to see friends.

I boogied out of TT's as fast as I could and my new friend Mike took the ride with me up to the Dogg, I didn't want to be late!  As I pulled in to the lot and rolled up to park right in front of the door, I was blown away.  I took one quick look and saw, Bean're, Long Jon, Pinky Pancake, Menace, KP Keith, the whole crew from New Mexico and countless others.  I was blown away!  I can't believe all these guys came out to hang out with me at work!  THEY DIDN'T!  They were just waiting for me to show up so that Bean're could leave and they all rode down to TT's party..... sons o bitches! I walked in the door thinking, "you bastards" and feeling ever so lonely, I was greeted by a few other friends and my pain was eased!  I hung for a bit and just thought, man I sure hope it gets a bit busier tonight!  Well be careful what you wish for!  I'm not sure exactly when it happened but all of my friends who rode away were back and they brought more folks with them and the place turned in to a zoo!

We had the band come off stage, the party continued on and we got ready for the Tattoo contest.  When I asked what the prizes were the boss said, I'm not sure, we have plaques and some cash.  Some cash I thought?  Oh boy.... congrats on your win, here is 6 bucks and a plaque!  I have never been more wrong!  We broke the contest in to two parts, men's and ladies so not to drag the party to a hault.  First up was men's and my boy Teach took 3rd place, got the plaque and the cash.  As it turns out, the bar put out $1200 in cash for this contest, wow, I was blown away!
The quality of the ink was pretty spectacular!  It was a good time.  I had never hosted a tattoo contest with so many great competitors and such great prizes, the competition was fierce!  The night went on, we brought up the ladies and the contest continued on.

 The night went on and on and on!  My fear of having an empty bar was never felt again!  My only fear in that bar from that point on was "if I have to go to the bathroom, how will I ever make it through the crowd"?
The following day, AZ Bike Week officially kicked off and the locals would show up after work but all the folks from out of town were coming in in droves.   By the next day, Biker Betsy, Masyn and Qian along with their tv crew in tow had made it to my house to party and ride with us.  Mike Lichter had come in to town, rented a car and drove straight on up to the Dirty Dogg to hang out and shoot some pics, ride some scoots and shake some hands.  On a side note, he has got to be one of the classiest guys I have ever met.  If there is anyone in the BIKE WORLD who deserves an ego, or to have an attitude, it's him and he is the furthest thing possible from it!  That day was Wednesday and that night was WILD AND WET WEDNESDAY at the one and only Dirty Dogg Saloon and my God to I have some shit to share with you about that.  I have just decided that the wet t contest deserves it's very own blog post, so I will share that one with you the very next chance I get to sit down and put my thoughts to words.  After that, I will tell you how I ruptured the disc in my back while hosting a bike event..... and people think it is easy doing what I do..... IT'S NOT!  So whatever you do, don't even try it...... okay, it's not so bad and I really just don't want the competition!  See you again tomorrow when I get at this again. 

Until we see each other on the road;

Keep the wind in your face
Tits in your back
and the Man off your Ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Million Miles Squire!

I have so much to share with you guys, my friends about my experiences during AZ Bike Week hosting the one and only Dirty Dogg Saloon but for now this will have to do.  By far, one of the highlights for me was when my friend, the one and only Million Miles Squire fought the crowds and battled his way up to the stage with some help from Biker Events Magazine online's Will.  It took a few seconds to even put together the face with who it was.  Squire currently is ranked number three in most miles ever ridden on a Harley Davidson.  He has logged more than one million miles and that is just absolutely mind blowing.  Not long ago, Squire was diagnosed with cancer and he is currently in the battle of his life and he is winning.  Wait, scratch that, right now, he is kicking it's fucking ass!  Squire is currently featured in Biker magazine and they tell just a tiny bit of his tale.  He is currently hangin out here in AZ and if you see him anywhere, believe me, it's cool to just go right up and say hello and let him know you are behind him in support with this war he's fighting!  This is one first class human being. 

In the next day, I will sit down, dig through some amazing shots and share with you folks who couldn't join us at the Dogg, a few tales of what you missed!  I have been forming a top three list in my head of the event, but that went to a top five, to a top ten, to a top 20, right up to a holy shit realization that there is no way to list what was the best part of the event because for myself, the entire event was amazing.  I just wanted to share with you all tonight a photo that I will cherish of a friend who is in the fight of his life and that didn't stop him from getting out there.  Don't let anything hold you back, get out and live your life like it's your last day, it just very well may be.

Your friend,

Jack Shit