The Laughlin River Run

Hey you crazy bastards.....  you will have to find something else for the next few days to keep you, happy, smiling, angry, shocked, appalled and or disgusted.  I am heading to the Laughlin River Run.  I am, for the very first time in my riding life and that's a long time folks, attending a motorcycle rally, without a motorcycle.  It will be a new experience for me.

People asked how they would know where to find me at such a big event.  I told them it would be easy and to just look for the guy with the frown on his face.  Everyone wears those shirts, NICE TRAILER PUSSY, at least I don't fit in to that crowd!  I won't even have a damn bike!  What can I say?  I ran out of time and apparently, Motorcycle Titles have an amazing ability to leap out of envelopes, open desk cabinet doors and float right on out of houses.  WHAT WILL THEY COME UP WITH NEXT? 

So I am off for a few days.  You folks have a great time without me around.

Let me say this though, before I go, MY HEART BLEEDS AND IS BREAKING for everyone who has been hurt or killed or has had all of their belongings wiped from the face of the earth by these insane tornadoes, one after the other.  I don't often preach or speak of praying, but tonight, when I get where I am going and am about to drift off to sleep, I am adding all of you on to my HEY GOD, GIVE THESE PEOPLE A BREAK PLEASE, prayer list!  You guys all hang in there, you are in our hearts and prayers!

Till I see you on the road again, (I'll be passing you in a fucking truck),
Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Flute Salute! What a loving way to say goodbye.

I wish I could find the very first piece that got me back to writing something other than comedy. I believe it was called grace under fire and it was written within the first days after my dear friend F Bomb's Queen Lorrianne was killed while racing the Stampede. She was known to all involved as the queen of the Stampede and after she passed, we learned that she was a Queen for so many more reasons. If the accident wasn't horrible enough, it seemed that the insult to the injury was each day seemed to bring more and more heartache and disgusting acts by people who had nothing to do with this Angel's life! Nobody had any idea of how many people's lives she had personally touched until the day of her service. I performed part of the funeral but there was not much to say. Lorri was a truly genuine, pure soul and it seemed that there was nothing that I could say that could conceivably speak to what an amazing person she was. The turnout at her service was like no other service that I had ever seen, much less had the honor of speaking at. I spoke of Lorri briefly, read a poem that I had written and then asked everyone to live like Lorri did and to base all future decisions on four simple letters, W.W.L.D? WHAT WOULD LORRI DO? If one person in a thousand on earth would live their life, like Lorri lived hers, the world would be an incredible place to live and it would be filled with love rather than hate and turmoil. As this video begins, you can see me step away. I had just introduced another friend, his name was Greg and he had a very special way that he wanted to send Lorri off and lift her spirit straight up to the heavens on a magical wave of incredible love. As the video plays, I panned around just so you could see the amount of people who came to honor this incredible woman and I could not even fit them all in. It is hard to believe that nearly two years have gone by since we lost her. If I have one major regret in my life, it is that Diane and I could not get a chance to have known her longer!


It is hard to tell, but Lorri was a huge fan and member of the Kiss Army and behind Greg playing the flute is her Kiss Casket. It is the baddest casket that I have ever seen! To this day, the endless love that is displayed by Brother F Bomb for his queen has never wavered, never lessened and will live eternally. I found this video that I had posted in an old you tube account when I suddenly remembered the account name. One day, I will find that piece that I wrote about the tragedy, because without Lorri even knowing, she changed my life as well. Long May You Run amongst the Angels, Queen of the Stampede. I just wanted to share this with you because when I saw this video again, it just blew me away. For all who have lost the ones they loved in their lives, myself included, know that you too were loved. If the time comes and I too pass, I could only pray that one tenth of the amount of people who attended this service would attend mine to show me final respect. I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE SEEN SUCH A LOVING TRIBUTE TO A REAL LIFE, LIVING ANGEL!

Till we see each other on the road again, please be safe, watch your mirrors, so that we never have to feel the pain of losing someone so precious again! I won't desecrate this post by talking about the wind, tits or cops chasing you, but I will end it with those same four letters W.W.L.D.? What would Lorri Do?

THE STAR TREATMENT

There is a time in your career when you know you have made it! You reach the pinnacle of your success so far and you stand atop, look down on the little people whose backs you have walked on to get where you have gotten and you pull out your penis and you pee, taking pride in the distance and quality of the arch that you are making. You smile as the golden shower rains down on them and you take one more huge hit from your Gold and Diamond encrusted Crack Pipe and as you exhale, you order your assistant to run and go get some more. You bark that you don't care that her baby is going in to surgery in an hour, GO SCORE ME SOME DOPE NOW and then maybe you can go, maybe....

Well, I have yet to make it to that point in my career and who knows if I ever will, but a boy can dream can't he? I love when people say, "man you sure got it tough" or "I wish I had your job". Well I bet you do. We live large when we are on the road trying to entertain you fine folks. Amazing pay, travel, quality food and incomparable luxury accommodations are just a few of those perks that every one always wish that they got too. Last night while flipping through some old files you may have seen that video I found of me after my long talk with my knuck about going to Sturgis. Well I found this video in the same hidden sub folder and I had forgotten all about it. When I hit play, I just knew it was something that I had to share. This is just a brief clip of what it is like to be a "big star" and what it is like to get the "star treatment". I know that you are going to be really jealous but hey, what's the point in living like a rock star if you can't rub it in people's faces? I may not be able to spray the world with a golden shower and smoke crack out of a platinum pipe yet, but as you will see in this video, I AM GETTING REALLY CLOSE! I hope you enjoy! This is where I was lucky enough to stay for either 10 or 11 days, I can't even remember any more!



IS THAT LUXURIOUS OR WHAT? Nothing like sleeping in a tent that is slightly bigger than shoulder wide with nothing but a Don Wood bed roll and a pillow that I jammed in the truck last minute! If I planned it just right and curled myself up towards the front of my tent, I could almost sit up straight, almost! I actually had to get dressed and undressed outside of the tent. So every morning at 3 am and 9 am, if you were close enough, you got to see me standing on the front lawn of Bad Ass Floyd's place either wrapped in a towel or in my under armour underwear. What I found to be my favorite part was that I set my tent up right next to the hose bib that apparently had a slow leak and just dripped and dripped. The extraordinarily green grass right there should have been a dead giveaway but I thought, wow, that looks like it will be soft. So laying in the equivalent of saran wrap on damp ground was like being in a Sauna. Here is another hint from this "big star", when selecting a spot for you luxury accommodations, don't judge it by where the sun is in the afternoon, think about where it will rise in the morning! Yeah, I didn't account for that either. So I would crawl, exhausted in to my tent anywhere between 3 and 4 am and lay there until I could wind down enough to fall asleep, even though I was entirely shot out from working for 15 hours or so on my feet and that would take some time. Each day, I was lucky enough to fall asleep not too much before the sun would rise and all the people there to enjoy the rally would be waking up to start their days. Starting there day would include laughing and screaming about the night before or the really great part, the folks who were drunk and fought the night before would pick right up, exactly where they left off when they passed out, then would fire up their bikes to work on them or go for a ride. As you can see from the video where my bike was parked just outside my tent, that I also got the added bonus of the extra carbon monoxide that would catch in my tent's vestibule area! Within a day or two of arriving there, not one square inch of that property did not have a tent set up or a bike parked on it! Floyd really was a good host and within a few days we hit it off and became friends for life. The great part about it all though, honestly, that it was actually less than 100 feet away from the back gate of the Spoke so it was an easy commute. Now I know why everyone always parks their tour buses right out back behind the stage, it's the commute!

The truly funny part is that these were excellent accommodations and I could have brought a bigger tent but my big tent never made it home from last year's Choppertown Camparound. Like I said in last night's blog, I had virtually no time to get my shit together before it was time to leave for Sturgis.... any way, this wall all in fun, so I hope that you got a laugh out of it. So next time when you see someone who is "living the life", remember, there is another side of "living the life" that most don't really see!

Here is the thing though, I would not give it up for anything, this is what I do and it's what I have always wanted to do! I BRING SMILES ACROSS THE MILES, IT'S MY DESTINY! I hope everyone has a great week and until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

We all need to be inspired at some point !

There are times when I just sit down on the couch, late at night and go through old pics. I can flip through them and they take me back to the time and place that they were shot. I can actually transport myself through my memory right back and damn near re-live those incredible times. I get to look at more than I normally would because I have to be, hands down, the worst person on earth when it comes to labeling files. Not only do I not give them good names but I don't even leave hints for myself to track this shit down when I need it. Then there are times like tonight when I find something in a sub folder, within another folder that I either didn't even know existed or totally forgot about it.

This one in particular brought me back to a really happy moment. I had just hung up the phone with Melissa from the Broken Spoke Saloon in Sturgis and she gave me the "official" word that I had been booked to host the Downtown Spoke for the 70th anniversary of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally! Of all the events and gigs that I have performed at in my entire life, I had never been so excited about one, as I was with this one. Not only was I going to host one of the greatest bars on earth during the biggest motorcycle rally in the world, but it was the very first time that I was ever going to Sturgis and I was stoked to say the least. I didn't have much time to get my shit together and when the event was over, I had to race straight back to Phoenix. I had taken second place in this stupid "open for the winner of last comic standing" contest and I had to perform there before I left. I had to take about 400 shirts up there with me too. Hey, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to earn some extra cashola to bring home for my girl..... you guys know where that money goes already! I had to take the truck, there was no way around that, but how do you go to Sturgis without a bike? I would be working 12 to 14 hours per day so it's not like I had much time to ride anyway, but hell folks, I just couldn't bring myself to show up with only a truck. So we are at the very end of July and I had to perform and leave for Sturgis right away. My knuck had not even been started since March and AZ bike week. I had to make some much needed repairs before I even left but the time came. I sat down on the seat of the bike, which for the last 3 months had been parked in my dining room and leaned down and gave her a great big hug. I gave her a nice talking to and told her that I was sorry that I had neglected her but if she took good care of me, I would then take good care of her. I rolled it out the back door and in to the back yard. What you are about to see is taken at just that moment. This brought back a lot of memories for me and put a big smile on my face, so I hope it makes you laugh or smile as well!



I sure hope that all works out again for Sturgis this year and I am welcomed back to the one and only World Famous, Broken Spoke Saloon! If it does, I will see you there. Please don't be shy, come right on up and introduce yourself, please! I have had so many people write me and say, "well I saw you but you looked busy and I didn't want to bother you". Are you fucking kidding me? Bother me? Without all of you amazing friends, I would be nothing! So please, I don't ever want to hear again that you didn't want to bother me. Okay? I look forward to seeing my friends that I already know and really look forward to seeing those friends that I have yet to ever meet. Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

When did it all change?

FREEDOM ISN'T FREE BUT IT'S WORTH FIGHTING FOR.... That is what is painted on that fairing in case you can't read it.  I was never really sure what it was that these guys did, these Patriot Guard Riders.  When I first saw two of them rolling down the road I assumed that it was just another start up riding club, not a MC, but a riding club.  When I found out what it is these guys do, I was blown away.  While walking around this silly ass bullshit bike event the other night, my wife saw this bike and asked if I knew what it was and what they did?  I said I know a little bit.  I explained to her that these guys took time from their lives to escort the remains of soldiers killed in action and they attend the funerals and unfurl big ass flags to block protesters like those PIECES OF SHIT, THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH who attend military funerals, disrupt the funeral and then sue any one who interferes.....  As I was explaining how they park their bikes a certain distance apart and pull the flags out and make a big RED, WHITE AND BLUE, STARS AND STRIPES WALL to block these scumbags from the family, I actually got chills and caught a tear in my eye.  PATRIOT does not begin to describe what these guys are! 

HERE IS THE PROBLEM AS I SEE IT.  Someone, please, please, please, tell me why these guys even need to exist?  Have we as a country grown so full of hate for each other and for each other's beliefs that someone would go and disrespect the final services of some one who gave up everything to go and defend freedom around the world and who gave the ultimate sacrifice and gave their life!  GOD HATES FAGS is the battle cry of these inbred sheep fuckers!  Because the military let gays in, they now disrupt any funeral that they can.  Worse yet, they sued a family of one fallen Marine I believe because they were stopped from protesting and WON?  The father of this fallen hero had to pay all their legal expenses after his victory against them was over turned by another judge!  When did it all change?  When did we reward people for being low life mother fuckers?  As a writer and a full blown mental case whose words would be censored nearly any place but here, I believe more than the average person in the right to free speech, free expression and freedom to practice any religion you want.  But where do you draw the line between your freedom and disrupting an other's freedoms?  When did it all change?  When did we become so politically correct that rather than offend people who would terrorize, yes, that's what I said, a family in mourning, our government chose to offend the very  family in mourning?  When did the fact that you chose to serve this country make you a target by our own government?  Each and every single time that I see these fucks on television, all I can think of is WHY?  Why would they give these people air time?  Forgive me for this rant on Easter Sunday of all days but I saw a news story yet again about these low life assholes and it just lit my fucking fuse!  Enough is enough once again.  WE THE PEOPLE, elect judges, congress, senators and presidents and it is about time that we stand up and have these self serving, power hungry fucks learn that WE ARE THEIR BOSSES and not the other way around!  When did it all change that common sense was no longer applicable?

Once again, the very reason that I began this post got totally away from me.  What I meant to write about and the title still holds true was, when did it all change, with the bikes we ride?  The parties we attend?  The lifestyle in general?  I went down to Mesa Riverview the other night for bike night.  It's an event that they now host each and every Friday and I thought how cool!  I figured it would be lined with choppers, cool stockers and maybe some hot rods too.  You would think that it was like a 1000 mile ride for all who attended.  There had to be no bullshit, 400 or more bikes there and I counted 17, yes, 17 that did not have a full fairing or windshield.  It was like the grand touring road show.  I understand baggers and I understand the need for them.  I just wondered when did it all change that you could hardly find a bike without one?  What really got me blown away was that as we are in the midst of the worst economy since the great depression, I found it difficult to even find an Evolution engine there.  Virtually every bike was new, can you imagine?  I remember years ago, I was mocked for riding an EVO!  The new guy, with the new fangle bike!  Now Evo's are damn near what the Shovelhead was!  Well without any of the class, sex appeal or coolness that is!

So now I began a quest if you will to find something other than a brand new bagger to take a pic of...  The event is set around a traffic circle with four streets going off in each direction.  In the circle was a band that I could not tell you if they were any good or not.  What I can tell you is that it was probably the worst PA that I ever heard.  I think that these guys watched Spinal Tap one too many times and took that whole "11" on the volume nob way too serious.  Before I start getting the "drop dead Jack Shit, I ride a bagger" mail, don't bother!  I had a street glide too at one point and I would probably still have it had it not been for two things; first it was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever ridden and second, had it not been repossessed!  I could have stopped it from going, I got the call that they wanted the money but Diane's illness had already wiped out my credit, the value of it was lower than what I owed and I just asked the woman on the phone, "you want me to drop if off or do you want to come and get it"?  She was dumbfounded for the record.  "Really" was her response.  "Well sir, we can work with you"!  Nah, no thanks, I'll leave it outside in case I'm not home.... I don't think this has ever happened to them!  I hadn't told Diane about the call and this guy rang the door bell, full tatt'd up head, big beard all sleeved and she opened the door.  The guy said I'm here about the bike and she said okay and the guys mouth dropped open.... "really"?  Yes sir, it's all yours!  We could have easily paid for it but decided the money was better spent on paying the 4 thousand dollars a month for her insurance and meds so we just said "take it man".  She called me and I said I was right around the corner, I'll be right there, I have the key.  When I got there, I think the guy thought I was going to jump out with a gun or something, I simply asked, "hey man, you need help loading it up"?  "Uhm, uh, no, no thanks man, I got it, but thanks again"!

Side tracked again.....  For the record I don't hate stock bikes, I just prefer the Choppers and Bobbers.  I am blown away by the level of talent that goes in to the design, the build and the little details that sets each and every single one apart from the others.  These folks have ten times the talent that I would ever have and I have mad respect for them.  What I could not understand is that with all of these bikes in this mini mockery of an old down town, there were not even "billet barge choppers" on the property.... We walked in all four directions, up and down and on the last leg of our journey, I finally found something cool!  Now I am even less of a fan of Hondas than I am of what people call Geezer Glides.  But and it's a big but, give me a Honda that some one spent countless hours, chopping and grinding and welding away on and they have earned my respect!  What can I say, I'm an old bike guy and as Teach would say, I have a Vintage Bike Addiction!  Check out this BAD ASS HONDA!

Can you see the attention to the little details that just sets this bike apart from something you would buy?

Even if it were something you would buy from a bike builder, it is just not the same.  Hand built

by the owner, out of nothing but pure passion and a vision!  I DIG IT!

I had just run in to a few friends and we were bullshitting for a few minutes when I heard the bike fire up, which by the way was unmistakable from anything parked there.  I said to Diane, I sure hope he rides this way.  He did and I stopped him right in the middle of the circle, introduced myself and told him how much I appreciated the bike and asked if I could snap a few shots, "sure man" he said with a smile.  I don't care how "anti social" you are, it's always nice to have your work appreciated and I did!

There is a restaurant there that we were told was great and a few other friends were going to shoot on over and meet us.  We hung out on the street for a bit and I just could not get over the fact that since this guy had left, there was not a bike on the property older than 5 years!  Has anyone told these folks that we are in a recession?  I walked in to the restaurant and was really kind of bummed out.  We sat at the bar for a few and my goggles were really pissing me off resting on my head!  I took a walk out to hang them on the bike and as I walked out, much to my surprise, a Sprung Pan Chop was backing in to a spot.  I was damn near giddy!

My excitement was taken down a notch when I saw that it was and was not a panhead at the same time!  It was a very well done, knock off!  But I didn't care, it was a chopper baby!  We spoke for a few minutes and he showed me how he put a fake generator cover over the oil filter on the motor and even hooked up the wires to make it look real... whatever it was, it was still cool!  I hung up my goggles and walked across the street still talking with the owner.  He asked, "what ya riding man"?  I said that Knuck over there and with that he said "oh hell man, I know you, you're Jack Shit"..... I said, "yes sir, I surely am".  The guy standing next to him said "fuck man, I love your blog"!  What can I say, my penis just got an added inch to it! 

While we were talking, another guy and a chick were standing in the back just listening.  When the first cat walked away, this guy started asking me questions, and they were good questions, this guy not only knew what he was talking about, but I think he was even testing me a bit to make sure I was the real deal..... well now it's on like donkey kong!  I told him other than a Honda that had left, my knuck and this "pan", there were only two other bikes there even worth looking at and they had only pulled up a few moments ago.  "Oh really, where are they", he asked?  I pointed, right over there man and he promptly replied, "right there"?  Yeah man, right there, well those are ours he said!  Okay, now we are rolling!  Check out these bad bitches!

Now the hard core amongst us reading this will remember that above I used the phrase cool stockers.  They would ask the question, how can it be stock and still be cool?  This is how a bike can be 100% bone stock and be the coolest damn thing in a sea of what was now probably at least 5 or 600 bikes!

That is a 100% bone stock, 1947 big inch flat head!  It was original right on down to the paint!  I spent so much time talking and looking at this bike that I actually got a call from my wife inside the restaurant, pissed, wondering where the hell I went?  I told her and she immediately understood.  THIS BIKE WAS PHENOMENAL!  Now as amazing as this was, wait till you see the scoot his old lady rode in on!  You guys have heard me say that rigid sporty chops are where it's at now!  Here is the perfect example of what a bad ass sporty chop is!  This thing is bad ass right on down to the old ammo can used for a saddle bag!  Check it!  It's got a Wassel Tank, ribbed fender, sprung front end and is just plain bad ass! 

So as it turns out, it wasn't that there weren't people there who rode awesomely cool chops and vintage iron, it's just that they don't get there early!  Thank God folks!  This saved my entire night!  As I kick started my old knuck and rode away, I heard the worst sound that I have ever heard come out of my engine and my night immediately went to shit again!  So again, I ask, when did it all change?  When did my bike go from a perfectly running 64 year old knuck to a knuck with a horrid sound!  When do we catch a FUCKING BREAK I ask?

In closing, all I can say is that the event wasn't that awful.  Even though it was not wall to wall bikes that I dig, what it was, was wall to wall people who I really dug who went out of their way to make me feel really welcome!  I think with each week that passes, this event will grow, more people will learn of it and although I am sure they will show up late, more and more kick ass old chops will roll on in! 

To me, it don't matter what you ride, just get out and fucking ride folks.... but if you do live in one of the hottest places on the planet and you are riding 11 miles to bike night, TAKE THE DAMN WINDSHIELD OFF, believe me, you will need the air to cool off your body!  Till we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Absolute Proof That The World Is Being Poisoned

A GREAT MANY OF YOU HAVE ONLY JUST BEGUN TO FOLLOW THIS BLOG RECENTLY AND I WANTED TO PERSONALLY WELCOME YOU ALL!  I ALSO WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU!

To be quite frank with you, I am still humbled each time you guys send me a message or leave me a comment or post up on face book about how something that I have written has touched you, inspired you are my very favorite, made you stop and think!

As a Comedian, my original intention was to tell you a funny story each day about something that inevitably happens to me virtually every time I leave the house.  Worse case scenario is I could pull great stories from my past that I really never got to share with the masses and tell those to friends who weren't there to experience them.  We all know that this is not what this blog has become.  Each time I decide to write, I have an idea, a moment of inspiration and I turn on the old lap top and start to put my thoughts down.  Some how, some way, I never end up writing what it was that I set out to do.  This post is the perfect example of that!

For those of you who have a blog you may or may not know that there is a function called stats!  When you click on that you can't believe the information that is there.  Not only how many times your blog has been viewed, but how many times each post has been viewed and it's broken up from NOW, TODAY, WEEK, MONTH AND ALL TIME.  It also shows you how it was viewed by windows, mac, ipad, iphone and on and on.  Which browser was used to track you down and view the page and other amazing info.  I have to admit that my absolute favorite feature is called Audience.  You can view the details exactly the same way, but it tells you where your blog is being viewed.  Each day I watch it like a hawk and I get as excited as a pedophile at a Chuck E. Cheese!  Because of you guys viewing this blog, re posting it, sharing it with your friends or linking it to your other pages, MY BLOG IS NOW BEING VIEWED IN 56 COUNTRIES around the world!  I did have a reader briefly in Iran and I have never heard from her again.  She told me how very much she loved it, how she could not wait to see what I would write next and how she longed for the freedom that we have here in America with things as simple as sharing a thought!  THEN SHE WAS JUST GONE!  Iran was the 57th country!

I am honored and stunned that you fine folks have taken to my writing the way you have and I give you my word that I will keep it coming as honestly and completely uncensored as the day I began this whole blog "thing".  For those of you who are new, I'll make this short again.  When I began what is now about a little over 5 months ago, I made a deal with myself!  I would work hard and work honestly at making the blog a success!  The deal was that if in one year's time, I had 20 followers and 1000 page views, I would continue on with the blog.  During the third week of March, for 6 days, my page view counter froze and stopped working, by the time it was working again, I lost the page views that are forever lost in the world wide web and you know what?  IT MADE ME FUCKING NUTS!  I love to do this now!  Well just shy of 6 months in, I have exceeded the goal I had set for myself with followers by 5 times + and I have exceeded the goal that I had set for myself with page views by 20 times +!  20,000 page views +, 56 countries and 110 followers and we have only just begun and I owe it all to you guys, my friends.  I can't thank you enough for the inspiration that you guys have given to me!  

Not only do I thank you, but my wife thanks you as well!  Why you ask?  Because if it were not for me being worried about letting you guys down by not posting, I would be speaking all of this insanity in my wife's ear instead of poisoning the world with it!  So on behalf of my wife's hearing, patience and sanity, I thank you once again.  The funny part is that I have written all of this and have yet to scratch the surface of my life, my experiences or my mind!  The truly crazy part is that this is "my down time".  Idle hands are those of the devil!  I have so much life to live, so many great things planned for this upcoming spring and summer and I promise, I won't let you down!  So stick with me, share this with your friends and know that I will be eternally grateful to you for taking your precious time to read the insane ramblings of a certified lunatic!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Not at all what I expected!

As I sit here tonight on my leather couch, ass sweating and my nuts cooking from having the note book resting on my lap, I began to reflect on my recent past, I am blown away with the direction that my life has gone and the changes that have taken place.  Things are so very strange these days.  I met a guy a few years back and thought this prick is one of the most miserable bastards that I have ever met.  Now I talk to that prick constantly and he has become one of the dearest friends that I have ever had....  maybe you know the mean ass bastard that I am speaking of.  He is one of the most talented painters that I have ever met.  He is also the subject of one of my favorite shots that I captured last year while riding across the desert.  Do you know the guy in that picture above?  If you don't, perhaps you should..... if you can get past his wall!

It seems that just when you think that you have figured it all out and know exactly what you want, what you need and where you are heading, you end up with some thing completely different, don't need what you thought and find yourself standing in a place that you could never imagine.  I am standing in that very spot right this moment.  I was lucky enough to have some amazing people come in to my life and I guess with hindsight being 20/20, lucky enough to have some not so amazing people leave it.  The person in the above photo is some one that I thought I would never again give the time of day to and he is now my family and the flip side of that coin is that there are people that I considered to be family that turned out to have wiped us from their lives like you would wipe shit off of your shoe on the curb.  I will forever be confused with people's ability to just use people up and spit them out.  The thought of treating some one like that is just plain inconceivable to me.  I have learned to look at that as a blessing though because each time some one like that does that to us, it makes room for some one to fill that void and perhaps that some one holds a missing piece of life's puzzle.  Does that sound crazy to you guys?  Perhaps the universe whispers in the ear of that scumbag and says, "hey, why don't you fuck Jack and Diane over real good today" and they listen to the universe and do it.  Then the universe whispers in my ear, "Jack, why don't you give that grumpy bastard a chance and let him in" and I listen to the universe and I do it!  As only the universe would know, it was the right decision!  I have listened to the universe and I have given up on trying to figure out the "evil that men do" and just face each day knowing that I have never fucked any one over and never will!  Knowing that you never have to second guess yourself or look back and wonder if what you did was wrong is liberating and it allows you to open your heart. 

Once you have gotten past all that "wondering why someone would do what they did" you are free to just live your life and take it as it comes at you.  I won't lie to you and tell you that when some one hurts us that we don't feel it or that when some one cuts us, we don't bleed because we do.  It's just that I have learned to grin and bear the pain and I have learned how to quickly put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding!  Life can be a son of a bitch and if you allow yourself to dwell on the bad, you will never see the good coming your way and it will pass you while your back is turned.  All things for a reason is what Diane always tells me!  No matter what we face, no matter what happens, no matter how horrible, she just looks me in the eye and says "baby, all things for a reason"!  Over the last 25 years, I have come to know that she is almost always right.  I say almost because there is no damn way that I am going to say she is always right because you can bet your ass that she is not!  Now I don't want you to think that because I posted GTP's pics at the top of this post that the punch line is going to be that he screwed us over..... far from it!  The reason I posted his ugly ass up at the top of this blog is because it was a phone call from him yesterday that got me to thinking about all this shit and I give credit where credit is due!  Usually George just makes you think of different ways that you want to mess with him, or different ways that you know you can light his fuse but two days ago that miserable old prick got me to thinking about life and the people that I surround myself with.... who would have done thunk it?  GTP an inspiration to more than a Denny's waitress.... that is an inside joke that maybe one day if you know George, he will tell you about or maybe one day when he finishes that damn book he is writing you can read about and cringe as I did! 

I've come to grips with each day that passes that I have one less day to make a difference in the world!  With each day that I face I wonder if today is a day that I will?  This post began because I was looking at a shit ton of pics from the last 18 months or so.  I was going to do a quick post and fill it with pics of some of the sickest scoots and hot rods that I have seen over that time period and I have some great shots too, but as I sat down, picked up the notebook and once again began to broil my balls, the post took on a life of it's own.  I realized that I had hung up on my friend Adam and told him that I would call him right back because the girls were watching American Idol and I was annoying them on the phone.  Then I realized that I had forgotten to call him back and then I realized that I forgot to call George back last night.  I started writing what I thought would be a brief intro in to a photo filled post but couldn't shake the thought of George's last phone call and this is where I ended up.  I never have any idea of what I am going to write when I begin and nearly every time I finish, I realize that it has virtually nothing to do with what my original idea was.... and here is the perfect example. 

All that I can say to you is what my next tattoo across my chest is going to say, CARPE DIEM, SEIZE THE DAY!  Let life happen without having to worry if it is going as planned because as my amazing wife always says "all things for a reason".  We may not know what the reason is, but fuck it folks, just roll with it and see where it takes you.  It has taken me to amazing places, like right here, right now!  Well my balls are nearly done now, I have to take the notebook off and let them cool a bit before serving them so I will say goodbye for now!  Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

So I guess for at least some time he really was COOL!

I ALWAYS KNEW THAT THERE WAS A REASON THAT I KEPT MY FONZIE PILLOW CASE UNTIL I WAS 29 YEARS OLD!  AT ONE POINT THE FONZ REALLY WAS FUCKIN COOL!

A good friend sent me this last night.  He did all the research based on a bet he had with a friend.  I don't remember the first episodes of Happy Days, maybe I missed them, who knows?  I did always remember The Fonz riding a "small" bike, certainly not a bad ass big twin....  To be completely honest, I thought the Fonz rode an early Sporty, I was wrong on all accounts with the exception of the "small" bike.  As it turns out, The Fonz throughout most of the series rode a Triumph and not a Harley.  But, as proven last night by my friend Joey Chop Chamberlain, at the beginning, The Fonz rode this 47 Knuck!  Well, allow me to re phrase that.  The Fonz sat on a 47 Knuck.  Apparently it was too difficult for The Fonz to kick start and too big to ride and he was too scared and that is why they switched him to a Triumph.... Who knew that the one and only Arthur Fonzarelli was a chicken shit pansy?  Certainly not me.... at least up until I was 29 years old.  I can't tell you how many girls that got to see my Fonzie Pillow.  They all thought it was cute!  CUTE?  How dare you use such a term when speaking of THE FONZ!  Cute, no!  Cool, yes! 

I would like to say it was because of Fonzie that I ride the same 47 Knuck, but that would in fact be lying to you and you guys no damn well that I will never ever do that to ya!  I will say that in my time, I have tried to punch and pound a few juke boxes in to playing a song for me and all that ever did was get me a really sore hand and tossed out of a few bars! 

As a matter of fact, with all this Happy Days reminiscing, I may have the little woman dress up like Pinky Tuscadero tonight and we will have some Happy Days ourselves.  Then tomorrow I'll have her dress up like Leather, from Leather and the Suedes.... ah hell, I'll ask if she can have a friend join in and I can finally live out the fantasy of banging Joanie when she joined the Suedes and was going to leave to go on tour with the band.  I would wrap a bandanna around my thigh like Chachi but even then, as a child, I didn't think he was all that cool and seeing what an asshole he turned out to be in real life now, I know I made the right choice.

All I can say in closing is that although I never got to see nearly as many "chicks" as Fonzie did, both myself and my Fonzie Pillow Case sure did our very best to try and nail as many as we could.  Looking back, right now, I really wish I still had that pillow case.  Long live THE FONZ!

Finally, here is one last thought for you all.  How old were you when you realized that The Fonz wasn't just kissing all of those girls?  I think I was 29!

After the initial post of this blog, a friend sent me another photo and I just felt that I had to add to it!  Sorry for cheating and changing a blog from it's original post... but hey, this is different, it's THE FONZ!

Till we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

I live in a Nursing Home Now

People always say that there is nothing in life that you can count on!  I completely and totally disagree with that statement.  Allow me to offer you an example; you can count on there being no justice in the justice system, you can count on lawyers being greedy, self serving bastards and you can absolutely count on the bank fucking you over when it comes to doing the right thing by you or the wrong thing that benefits them!  Just as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, I hold the above statements to be gospel truth.  Afford me a few minutes of your time to tell you how I ended up living in a nursing home!

They say that product knowledge is everything.  Well many of you know but some may not, my angel of a wife is a Realtor.  For a decade, back in New Jersey, she was a ten time agent of the year, top sales agent, top listing agent, top marketing agent and in her first year, rookie of the year.  In her office alone, there were 286 agents and she was number one, year after year after year and she made me very proud.  When we decided to move to AZ full time we were flush with cash, the market was booming and life was good with the exception of the pain I live with daily and her battle with MS.  We found the home that you see in the above photo and bought it right up.  To show you how good of a realtor my wife is, while sitting on our couch in New Jersey, we beat a guy who wanted to purchase the same home as we did in AZ and he lived across the street.  From 3 thousand miles away, she kicked the local realtor and neighbors ass!  That's my girl!  Not long after we moved in, the bubble burst and real estate imploded upon itself.  Who's to blame, who knows, who's not to blame, all these greedy sons o bitches had a part in it!  We had no idea that the market would get toe tagged and it was truly over, we like so many thought it would be a year or so, things would level off and everyone would be okay.  We all know that didn't happen.  Being so knowledgeable, when they started to offer home loan modifications we put in for one, why not right?  We weren't making the money we once were, we had huge medical expenses and we didn't want to lose our home, we wanted to keep it and just re vamp the loan.  No biggie right?  Hell the government gave our bank, Countrywide like 100 billion dollars to do just that!  So we filed our paper work and waited.  We were told that under no circumstances were we to make any payments until they decided if we would get the modification.  Really, how awesome!  Well after months and months of waiting, our file had just about got to the top of the pile and then Bank of America bought Countrywide (with the money they were supposed to use to help homeowners) and we went back to the bottom of the pile.  We called them and they said not to worry, just don't make any payments and we will let you know the status.  Really?  Okay! 

We called again, spoke to the woman in charge of our file and asked her, this has been going on a real long time, we don't want to come home and find out that while you are telling us not to make any payments that you go ahead and foreclose on us.  OH NO SIR, THAT CAN NEVER HAPPEN ALL IS GOOD!  Well thank God for that.  Within two months of that call, we get a package in the mail, it is our loan modification but there are some errors in the paperwork.  We tell them and they say no worries, we will re do the package and get it back to you, please continue to hold off on making any payments until we give you your new payment amount and it is processed.  Two more months go past and we are really getting nervous.  Now being in the business we know that when you are dealing with a bank, YOU WILL TAKE IT IN THE ASS, BONE DRY WITHOUT THE COURTESY OF EVEN GETTING A REACH AROUND!  We had family moving out to AZ so we began to look for houses that we could heaven forbid all live in just in case the bank stuck it to us.  We found a home in Mesa, AZ and bought it.  Worse case scenario, we would fix it up and flip it if need be.  We called and spoke to the same girl and asked her the same questions and she said sir, you have nothing to worry about.  First we set an auction date if a home is to be foreclosed on and I am looking at your file, there is no auction date.  Really?  Okay?  So each and every day, I went to the house in Mesa and began renovating it.  The home was an assisted living home, a nursing home!  It had 7 bedrooms, an apartment for staff and was nearly 4 thousand square feet of lingering old people stench.  I am sure the old folks living there were quite surprised when the bank tossed them out on the street too as we bought it as a foreclosure sale.  The following day, we get our new package from the bank, first payment do February 26th, I believe.  Well on February 9th I come home from working on the Mesa house and my garage door battery died.  I walked around to the front door to find a note stapled to the door.  Here is what the note said.
YOUR PROPERTY IS IN OUR HOME, REMOVE IT IMMEDIATELY.  WE PURCHASED THIS PROPERTY AT AUCTION IN DECEMBER, YOU MUST VACATE NOW!

We have an approved loan modification and the first payment is not even do yet.  The reason the girl could not find an auction date or any other notes about the property is because the property, our home, had long since been sold to an investment company at auction.  No notice, no warning, no nothing but letters telling us that our loan modification is being considered, please hold off on making any payments until the decision is made.  We call the phone number on the note and they tell us to vacate the property within 48 hours!  At this point Diane and I have been together for 23 years + and we have accumulated a lot of stuff.  Move out in 48 hours or the Sheriff will put us out.  PUT US OUT OF OUR FUCKING HOME?  I could not believe it.  We spoke to the guy, told him of our situation and of course he didn't give a shit, but he was kind enough to give us 7 days.  So now in the middle of renovating the other home, I am now moving everything I own in to it.  So we went from living in our dream home atop the mountain, to living in a nursing home!  We called the bank and they said, "wow, we are really sorry, we are not sure how this mix up occurred".  "There is nothing we can do about it, you have lost your home"!  HOLY SHIT, had we not had the foresight to know that Bank of America would absolutely screw anyone over at the drop of a hat if there was a penny in it for them we would literally be homeless right now! 

So now I live in a nursing home that is about 80% fixed up.  I managed to get the smell of the old or dead people out thank God.  Every now and again, while I am working around the house, someone puts their hand on my shoulder as if to say, nice job Jack and when I turn around, there is no one there!  This has happened 5 times now and when it happens these days, I no longer even bother to turn around and look because I know that no one will be there!  We took the 7 bedrooms, turned it in to 4 and kept the apartment.  To add insult to injury, while I was doing the work, moving out of the old house and trying to figure the whole thing out, my in laws moved in from Florida along with my wife's crazy ass lunatic uncle!  You know what happened now?  That's right, I bought a nursing home, turned it back in to a regular home and within one month of living there, it turned right back in to a FUCKING NURSING HOME AGAIN!  Some days I just want to go in the garage, start the car and leave the garage door closed but I can no longer afford the Gasoline to do it!

In case you are in any way, shape or form interested, I am going to drop in a few before and after pics, don't mind the orbs in some of them, some of the Nursing home residents still don't want to leave and hey, I'm not going to kick anyone out of their home!

There was a tiny little Galley Kitchen that serviced the entire house.  Blew that out!

The great room and kitchen were divided by these built in oak cabinets, blew them out.

This is where the cabinets and the kitchen were before.

I am now standing where those oak cabinets and shelves were previously

Two shitty aluminum sliding doors and paper thin single pane glass, blew that out!

We put in three sets of french doors so that on really nice days, we can do this.......

..... and that is all for now, I don't want to waste your time with a bunch of home renovation pics, I just want you to know that there is always room for you at the Shit Family Nursing and Rehab center.  So whether you are hurt or not, old or young, human or animal and hell, alive or dead, c'mon over and stay with us, there is always room.  The best part is that when I get old, I won't even have to leave my own house to get put in to a nursing home!  I guess you can say, I got it made!

I have finally figured out exactly how to win at the bike show!

THE BEST WAY TO WIN, IS TO NOT EVEN ENTER!  AT LEAST THAT IS HOW I DO IT!

It's been forever, or well at least it seems like forever since just me and my girl hopped on the bike and just took a ride.  I had told my buddy that I would get up early, yes, me, get up early.  I know it's like telling you that I saw a unicorn while riding a lightning bolt holding my 14 inch penis in my golden fist.... IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT IT'S TRUE!  I did it!  I went to bed at 2:30 am and got up at 8:30 am and hopped right up and out of bed, it's virtually unheard of for me!  I let the dogs out, got my shit together and did it all super quiet so not to wake up the lil woman.  I took the bike out of the garage and rolled it in to it's pre trip spot on the driveway.  I noticed that Bean're was already gone, that sneaky, sneaky bastard!  I began to gather all the things I normally need to go for a ride and realized I didn't need shit, it's already 86 degrees out and spectacular!  I need sunglasses and my wallet, man I love Arizona!

I'll never just hop on the bike without saying goodbye because, hey, you never know what can happen, riding these things can be pretty dangerous and it may be my last ride.  I want that last kiss good bye.... and ya never know, I may get lucky and wake her up in the middle of one of those "special dreams" and reap the rewards.... I woke her up with my traditional "HEY SUGAR TITS, YOU AWAKE"?  No, I'm sleeping.... You want to go to the swap meet with me?  NO!  You want to take a ride on the bike with me and go to the swap meet?  YES!  Well I'm supposed to be there at 10am, it's 10:07 now, how fast can you be ready?  10:30.... and sure as shit, the time came and she was ready to go.... Why is it that every other time it takes 3 times as long?  So we hopped on the bike and took a ride to Phoenix to the Shriner's swap meet.

We pulled in to the swap meet and broke each and every single rule that they had.  Guys in orange vests would wave left and we would go right.  They would point for us to park and we would keep on going.  I rode right up and in to the swap meet and parked under virtually the one and only tree!  PERFECT!  As we rode in and parked, I looked up to see Brother Adam, Keith Cole, Elvis and Bean're not 15 feet away from us!  I got off the bike, turned off the petcock and walked over.  As I walked over Keith Cole was on his phone and said here man, listen to this message, it's about you.  ABOUT ME?  Ut oh, who did I piss off now?  On the other end leaving a message was the one and only Milwaukee Mike and he was calling from the Woodstock Swap Meet oddly enough, but he was in Wisconsin!  He had found everything that I need to make the fxr in to a full blown mile melting machine and had it all for a sick price!  Wow, what a day already.  I got my girl on the back of the bike, my friends by my side, and motorcycle parts coming my way without even having to ask!  I give him back the phone and realize that I forgot my smokes in the saddle bag.  I looked across the lot, all 20 feet of it now and I see something hanging from my bike.  What the fuck is that?  Who would walk up and have the audacity to hang something on some one's bike?  Talk about just plain rude!  I am not on the property for 5 minutes and some jerkoff is hanging shit on my bike!  As I walked towards it I started to make it out.  Is that a ribbon?  NO, can't be.... it couldn't have been Bean're getting pay back for me putting the I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, NO STRINGS ATTACHED, NO QUESTIONS ASKED NOTE IN HIS SADDLE BAG, could it?  Nah, he was standing right next to me, he couldn't have gotten over there and back that fast!  I soon found out what it was.....

This Photo was not in the original post but a friend sent it to me.  This is what I found when I walked up to the bike.  I just laughed my ass off and shook my head and thought, SO THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT!

I WON!  I WON!  I WON THE PARKING LOT AWARD!  I dont' know what it is or how it got on my bike.  While I walked over to my bike, so many people were standing around it that I thought it was on fire or something.  They were taking pics and pointing to shit, I had no idea what was going on.  I guess one of those fine folks named me parking lot winner!  First time ever.  So I guess the BEST WAY to win at the BIKE SHOW is to simply NOT ENTER IT!  I just walked over, shook my head, smiled for a few pics, grabbed my smokes and walked back over to my friends laughing.  They asked what was going on over there and I simply said, I think I won a parking lot but I'm not sure?  How can this day get any better?  I got my girl, my friends and now I won a parking lot!  I wonder what I will do with it.  It is close to the airport, maybe I'll use it as a park and fly, hell, maybe I'll open up a shuttle service too!  It can't get any better than this right?  Wrong....

Within just a few minutes of being at the swap, I ran in to some more friends.  The guys from Foundry Moto were there and they were offering up some of their fine Harley parts for sale.  We all shook hands and hugged and I said how good it was to see them and they said thank you for writing such a great piece about their party.  I said well thank you for throwing such a great party, I could not write any thing but great stuff about it because it was hands down the best party that I had been to in two years.  By the way, how much is that sporty fender right there?  Why, you don't have a sporty?  NO, but I have an FXRS now and I need that fender so that I can move the tail light back to where it belongs so I can put saddle bags on it to use it as my touring bike.  Well that fender is on special today for special customers, for you Jack, it's free!  Get out of here, really?  Wow!  I was blown away.  The only thing is, the tail light on that is busted.  Oh that's okay, thank you so much.  With that, I am handed a tail light to replace it.  Really?  FXR you say, you don't happen to need stock side covers do you?  Actually, yes I do!  What kind of mirrors do you have on it?  Well actually, I don't have any mirrors, I need mirrors too.  Foundry Moto, your one stop shop!  Okay, what do I owe you guys....?  Nothing!  Are you kidding me, really?  They were dead serious, they loaded me up with parts to get me on the road for no other reason than the fact that we were friends.  That is what it's all about folks, pay it forward.....

As I walked around I said to Diane, shit, my camera is on my bike, I want to take a few pics.  So I ran back to the bike and who do I see over by it?  Joey Chopper Chamberlain and what a surprise it was.  We too shook hands and checked on what each were up to and he said, "hey, you think you can get those saddle bags home on that"?  Sure can, why, you got em with ya?  Sure do, I'll be right back, I got to go grab em.  Well I'll be right back too, meet you right here at the bike.  I ran over to Diane, gave her the camera and said I'll be right back.  Joey had gotten a set of bags for me to help me get on the road faster than waiting for the bags that I need.  Sure as shit, I go back to the bike and sitting next to it are this kick ass set of leather bags.  He gives me the once over on how they work and shakes my hand.  We had made a deal for them.  He would give me the bags and we would go have coffee, only problem is, I don't drink coffee, so I said you come over and I'll make you and your lovely wife dinner.  I still haven't gotten him to commit to that one, I think he is afraid if he comes over, BEAN'RE will do the cooking.  I assured him that it would be me, but he was still not ready to sign up for this end of the bargain! 

There was no way that I could get my treasure trove of swap meet "gifts" back home on my bike, not without my girl trying to hold on to it all on the freeway at 80 so brother Adam said he would go get the truck and load it up for us.  Thank you my friend, I'll go with you.  Don't sweat it man, I'll go get the truck, why carry it all.  I'll meet you over at the Foundry guys in a few minutes.  Done deal!  So we went back over to our friends from Foundry and being the true gentlemen that they are, they promptly offered up the most kick ass folding chair that I have ever seen for Diane to sit and get out of the now BLAZING sun!

So Adam went and got the truck, I got to get my angel out of the sun before the ride home and got to hang with my boys from Foundry for a little while longer.  The last time that I got to see them was at the party and spending quality time that night was hardly possible, so it was cool to just hang for a bit and bullshit.

As far as the swap meet goes, well, it was small, there was some cool shit there but nothing truly great and the stuff that was worth having was of course way over priced.  There was a honda elsinore 125 from 1977 that looked as if it had never been ridden and that brought back a flood of childhood memories of running from the cops.  Oh to be a kid again!  In the end though, it was truly a great day.  I got to take a bad ass chopper for a great ride with a beautiful girl on the back.  I got to enjoy a spectacular Arizona day with great friends and we talked bikes and bike shit.  I left with arms full of parts that great friends all kicked up to the cause and once again proved that bikers are truly the most generous people on earth!  I came home, cleaned up the big ass king / queen seat that I picked up when I got Diane's xs650 yesterday and ate some left over PF Changs food from the night the car broke down!  I can't say it was the perfect day, but I can say it was damn near close to it.  Once again allow me to say, no rather SCREAM, that I am blessed to have not only the greatest friends any one person can ask for, but I got a smokin hot ol' lady to share it all with! 

Till I see you on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

How do I get in to the shit I find myself knee deep in?

No that's not how you do it, I just saw a television show, THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!

Where the hell and what the hell is that building?  Ya got me, ask my friends from Nashville, they can tell ya!

So one night in the middle of the night a few years ago I once again found myself stressed to the max and could not sleep.  This is going back quite a few years now and although I had money rolling in hand over fist, I couldn't stop worrying about my wife, her health and knowing that the single worse thing for MS is stress.  Although we literally had money to burn in the bank, the housing bubble had burst and exploded like the money shot in a group sex shower scene in a Gay Porn!  I had just watched a show about how lottery winnings ruined people's lives and all I could think was <come and ruin mine>!  That show was followed by a show about people who do nothing but enter sweepstakes and give aways full time and you know what?  They win all the time.  This was a Friday or a Saturday night.  What stuck out in particular was a woman who showed how she always wins when you do those fill out the form and put in the box kind of contests.  Everyone fills out the form, folds it in half and puts it in the box.  NOT HER!  She folds it, then folds up each corner so that they stick up and out a bit.  All four corners folded in different directions.  Now when they mix it up and reach in to pull one out, because of the folded corners hers sticks to everything and they nearly always pull hers.  The following day, I go to a party at the local Harley Dealer, Superstition Harley, hey, I was new in town and didn't really know anyone and we needed a break.  Turns out Diane didn't even want to go so I went with someone who at the time was a good friend, turns out today, not so good!  Anyway, we are waiting on this incredibly long line for our "complimentary bbq food" and I see all these people over at the local country station's table.  I said, hold my spot, brb, I want to see what's going on.  I would insert a photo from that day of the party at the dealer, but I am really not a fan of the factory or the dealers these days.  I always say, support your local bike shop or do it your damn self.  So I will insert a special pic here!

About 5 days later, I am standing on my driveway and I am washing off the mud from my Jeep.  I hear my phone ring and I don't recognize the number.  Now like I said, those days we had money so I knew it wasn't a bill collector, so I answered it.  Yes hello, John?  The voice said over the phone.  John?  Yeah, who's this was the response.  This is Dick Hardcock, not his real name but I can't remember who it was actually so we will just call him that for now!  Yeah, what do you want Dick?  What are you doing this weekend?  Well, that is really none of your fucking business Dick, tell me what you want because you have 3 seconds till I hang up on you!  Well like I said, this is Dick Hardcock from Camel Country 108!  Yeah and I am fucking Howard Stern, what do you want?  No really man, I am who I say I am and were you at Superstition Harley this past weekend?  UHM, YEAH, I was.  Are you free this weekend?  I can be, what's up?  Well you entered a contest at the Dealership.  I did?  Yes, you did, don't you remember?  No, not really.... oh, wait a minute, is this the thing you wrote your name on and put it in the box?  YES, THAT'S IT!  Can you make it down to the radio station by tomorrow noon and are you over 18 with ID to prove it?  Yes I am, what did I win.  You won a first class, all expense paid trip to Nashville, Tennessee for the CMA awards with special VIP package and treatment!  Oh my God, really, I can't believe it, how cool but what are the CMA awards?  Really, are you serious says Dick Hardcock!  They are the Country Music Awards, aren't you a fan of country music?  WELL, YES, I AM NOW!  So I actually woke up in the morning and picked up my super prize package.  Do you want to pay the taxes now?  HELL NO!  I will let my creative accountant handle that later! 

So off to the airport we went and shortly after we landed in Nashville.  Where we were met and treated just like they said, like VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE!  We were put up in this kick ass hotel on like the 18th floor and most everything was comped!  Upon our arrival, we were met in the lobby by our Guest Relations coordinator and brought to a special room where we were to receive our special package.  They were not kidding, they loaded us up on all kinds of swag!  You know when you here about the Academy Awards and the stars get those special "gift bags" and they are filled with all kinds of great stuff?  That is what we got.  We got shit from all the sponsors.  $40 bottles of hair conditioner and ridiculous stuff like that.  We checked in to our room, the entire time the lil woman walking next to me, squeezing me saying YOU ARE THE FUCKIN MAN JACK!  How do you pull this shit off?  I don't know, the lil old Contest entry lady I saw on tv the other day.  It's only because of her that we are here.  Can you believe that shit really works?

The above photos were taken from the window of our hotel with the camera fully zoomed in.  We were up there, high above "the little people" and it felt damn good!  The first night we were hustled in to this special dinner with a whole bunch of song writers.  One of the big things that differs in Country Music is that it is controlled by a bunch of good ol' boys!  You play by there rules more or less or you don't play at all!  You see in Country, you have the people who write the songs and then you have the people who record and perform the songs and usually they are not the same person!  Spread the wealth more or less.  At the time we were there, Big And Rich were hitting it huge.  While they performed on stage, they had this chick who would get up there with a spinning easel and a blank canvas.  They would start a song and by the time it was over, this chick had finished a painting and they were pretty bad ass.  Normally I am not a "Star Fucker" but this was not a normal trip so I did what any good tourist would do, I had my photo taken with her and even got her to sign the event invite.  She was kind of kooky but what artist isn't?

Look at her giving the Devil Horns!  I think she was just excited to have her pic taken with Jack Shit!  For the record, her other hand his holding my ass!  Yes, it's good to be the king!  Anyway, while we were there, a few guys got up and played and told the stories of the songs, how they came about and shit like that.  The entire reason that I am writing this post today is because while on the drive home today, I was scanning through the radio stations and this song came on.  Live like you were dying, performed by Tim McGraw.  Well while at this dinner we met the two guys who actually wrote the song.  We hit it off pretty good and they actually had this little book or some shit, to be honest, I never really looked at it again.  Anyway, they signed the book for me and damn near laughed themselves till they pissed when I told them who to make the book out to!  JACK SHIT, really man?  YES SIR!  We got pretty tuned up that night and left the hotel and went on down to a local Honky Tonk, yes, they really do call them that.  We had a few more drinks, went back to the hotel where I got yet another reward for scoring this trip only this time it didn't come in a gift bag, it came in a nice, tight lil package.  MY GIRL!  Nothing makes me happier than when I make her happy and better yet PROUD!  Let's just say, I have never entered another contest without folding up the corners on the entry slip!

The next day we were invited as special guests to a private concert a few blocks away called Rhinestones and Roses or some shit like that?  There is a guy that is an institution in Nashville named Manuel.  He is a clothing designer who makes the sickest "cowboy" shit you have ever seen.  Everything is blinged out.  He made the outfits for Elvis, Dolly Parton & Stallone for that horrible movie they made and he made crazy ass clothes for every Country super star ever.  The music was performed by the who's who in the history of Country Music.  It was actually kind of cool to go to.

I don't really remember who these people are.  I know she is big time in Country and the old guy, well you got me?  The guy in the back corner with the white hair and the blue jacket, that is Manuel.  We really dug the show and had a great time.  We left the show, had some "free lunch" back at the hotel and rested up for a bit.  In a few hours we had to be a big show called THE SONGS OF THE YEAR CONCERT.

Turns out that this was being filmed for Canadian Country Music Television and our seats were so close to the stage that each time we got up to piss somebody came and filled our seats.

 We showed up at the concert "dressed appropriately" and had a few drinks in the lobby.  While waiting to go in, the Guest Relations coordinator was there with her husband, tonight they partied too.  She asked how we enjoyed the afternoon's show and if we could get over the people there.... honestly it was a great show but I certainly could get over who was there.  She asked if we had a chance to go down to the BOUTIQUE yet?  Uhm, nope, where's and what's that?  It is where Manny makes the clothes and sells them.  It will be busy with everyone picking up their clothes for the CMA's but you should at least go there to say you were there.  Really, to say we were there?  You can't really buy anything but maybe you could pick up a t shirt or something.  Well, okay, we will go tomorrow before the Awards Show.  So the next day came, we gabbed a cab and went down to the "boutique".  It was just a tiny old house in the middle of Nashville.  Okay, not impressed.  We went inside and I have to admit, there was just a sense of REALLY COOL going on in there and the energy was through the roof.  Part of the show that was in his honor was a performance by some huge star and while he sang, models came out and walked the stage in these jackets that he had created for each and every single state.  Here is one of them!

The place was really cool and most of the jackets were there on display.  We were made to feel really at home by one of the girls who turned out to be Manny's daughter.  We wandered around this tiny shop and were told, go ahead, try it on, any thing you like.  So of course Diane did.  She found this jacket, one of only two in the world that was a matched set with a pair of jeans.  Well the jeans were for someone six foot tall, but the jacket was bad ass!  It looked so good on her, I felt she had to have it... hell, we are on vacation!  How much could a denim jacket be anyway?  Wow, I wished I had asked that first..... $500!  Ah screw it, you only live once and remember, Live Like You Were Dying, right?  Diane is always about fair play so she insisted that I get something to.  What the fuck am I going to buy in a place like this?  Then I found these black pants, man were they cool looking.  There were only 4 pair of these ever made.  The case they were in was unlocked, that should have been my first warning, a locked case and I pulled them out.  Leather!  Holy Shit.... they don't even look like leather.  Diane said go try them on.  Try them on, I was afraid to touch them.  I did and walked out of the dressing room and she said, God Damn, look at you!  Buy them!  No way, c'mon, are you shitting me?  NO, BUY THEM!  Who knew fashion got chicks so damn hot!  With that, this guy comes walking out.  He said he heard me making everyone who walked in the door laugh so he wanted to meet me and say hello and see who this maniac was.  We hit it off instantly!  I told him that we were picking up the jacket for Diane and more than likely the pants.  He looked at me and no bullshit, said "prick"!  What?  Prick?  Those were what he was planning on wearing to the CMA's that night.  I said well too late now buddy, they are going to be mine....  he laughed and said I can't think of someone I would rather see have them.  He then said come here and follow me.  So he took us in to the office and said here man, please, take a few t' shirts, on me.  T' shirts, big deal.... I grabbed them and damn if they were not the nicest feeling t shirts I have ever felt.  He asked Diane to turn around slowly and she did....  He said, sweet Jesus, look at that!  He then went back in to the drawer and pulled out some Manuel booty shorts and gave them to Diane too.  We grabbed the jacket and pants and our free swag and handed them my credit card.  $1300!  The fucking pants were $800 bucks!  HOLY SHIT!  $800 pants are more expensive than my first car!  It was getting late and we had to get back to the hotel to get ready for the show.  The guy that had come out was Manny Jr., Manuel's son!  Who knew?  He said listen, don't you dare even think about a taxi, I'll drive you back to the hotel.... really, holy shit, okay!

He made us promise that when the Awards were over that we would meet him at the Wild Horse Saloon or some thing like that and that we were going to party our asses off all night.  So we hopped in to his Escalade or Denali or whatever it was he was driving, all I know is that it was nice and he drove us back to the hotel.  Now this family is Nashville Royalty, so he pulled up right in the fire zone / no parking zone in front of the hotel and just left the truck running and got out and walked around to open the door for Diane.  Such fine country manners!  He LOVED, LOVED, LOVED Diane!  As we pulled up, the Guest Relations lady was standing outside smoking and as she saw Manny Jr. she got all star struck and giddy, her face lit up.  Then our doors opened and we got out of the truck and her mouth just dropped open wide.... as we walked up she stammered and said "how, what, how, how, how did you..... who are you guys?  I said, "I'm Jack Shit honey".  We stood outside and smoked for a few and this crazy maniac comes out the door.  Manny wraps his arms around the guy and they start instantly screwing with each other.  Jack, Diane, this is my friend, he has the cowboy boot display in the convention center, have you seen them?  No Manny, we have not, no time and it's already closed.  Not any more it ain't he said, come with me and we all went up the escalator.  At the top was the tables with the Guest Relations people.  Behind that the doors to the convention center.  The name of the boot company was Tres Amigos or something like that and this is the guy who makes Arnold's and George Bush's boots.  He walked over, unlocked the doors and said to the girls at the tables, I know I'm closed but I want to show my friends my boots.  Again, the woman's face was just blank!  I have never seen anything like these boots.  The least expensive pair available was $750 and that was a deal he was giving us!  We passed on buying any boots, THANK GOD!  We thanked him for taking the time to show us such amazing art and that is what they were, art!  We went straight to the hotel bar and ordered a few double Jack and Cokes and I watched the lil woman get shit faced!

We went up to our room finally to get ready for the big show and I took a big FULL double Jack and Coke with me!  I came out of the shower and it was gone!  I said "baby, what happened to my drink"?  I think someone may have broken in to our room and the only thing they took was your drink.... We got our shit together and got dressed for the show!

If that ain't country, I'll kiss your ASS!

You can almost see the Jack dripping out of the lil woman's eyes!  I wonder if it were in fact an inside job in the break in and robbery of my Jack Daniels?  We went to the Awards show, found our way to our seats and my precious angel fell immediately to sleep.  She awoke as the applause rose at the very end of the show.  I got to see the show with a crooked neck because my girl put her head on my shoulders, pushed my head over to the side and went out cold!  We walked outside and it was freezing cold and raining.  I just wanted to go back to the hotel and go to sleep.  I was damn tired by now and had a stiff neck.  Not my girl, she was now well rested and ready to party all night.  So we went down to the Wildhorse and sure as shit ran in to Manny and his crew, partied there for a while and said okay, we are going.  Oh no you are not, you will do at least one shot with me before you go said Manny Jr.  Okay, one shot!  YEAH RIGHT!  For the first time in my life, I went HONKY TONKING!  This apparently takes a great deal of skill because you have to make it from one end of the street to the other end.  Simple right?  Well not when each and every door that you pass is the entrance to yet another bar and we passed through each and every door.  A few bars down the street, Manny asked if it was okay to dance with Diane... sure, why not....  they danced for a few and he went do dip her and threw her back and missed catching her and she flew right out the front door of the bar.  The bars are all tiny little row buildings that are 20 feet wide and 200 feet deep with a band on a stage right in the window.  She stood up laughing and he came over repeating, "I'm so sorry man", for what, it's all good, no harm no foul.  This went on for another two hours and then we just gave up!  We said our good byes to every one we met, exchanged email and phone numbers and promised we would never come to town again without stopping in and "doing it again".  Do it again?  Not sure about that, but we certainly did, that night at least, LIVE LIKE WE WERE DYING and you know what?  The next morning, WE WERE!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face

Tits in your back

and The Man off your ass.

Your friend,

Jack Shit