It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I have finally figured out exactly how to win at the bike show!


It's been forever, or well at least it seems like forever since just me and my girl hopped on the bike and just took a ride.  I had told my buddy that I would get up early, yes, me, get up early.  I know it's like telling you that I saw a unicorn while riding a lightning bolt holding my 14 inch penis in my golden fist.... IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT IT'S TRUE!  I did it!  I went to bed at 2:30 am and got up at 8:30 am and hopped right up and out of bed, it's virtually unheard of for me!  I let the dogs out, got my shit together and did it all super quiet so not to wake up the lil woman.  I took the bike out of the garage and rolled it in to it's pre trip spot on the driveway.  I noticed that Bean're was already gone, that sneaky, sneaky bastard!  I began to gather all the things I normally need to go for a ride and realized I didn't need shit, it's already 86 degrees out and spectacular!  I need sunglasses and my wallet, man I love Arizona!

I'll never just hop on the bike without saying goodbye because, hey, you never know what can happen, riding these things can be pretty dangerous and it may be my last ride.  I want that last kiss good bye.... and ya never know, I may get lucky and wake her up in the middle of one of those "special dreams" and reap the rewards.... I woke her up with my traditional "HEY SUGAR TITS, YOU AWAKE"?  No, I'm sleeping.... You want to go to the swap meet with me?  NO!  You want to take a ride on the bike with me and go to the swap meet?  YES!  Well I'm supposed to be there at 10am, it's 10:07 now, how fast can you be ready?  10:30.... and sure as shit, the time came and she was ready to go.... Why is it that every other time it takes 3 times as long?  So we hopped on the bike and took a ride to Phoenix to the Shriner's swap meet.
We pulled in to the swap meet and broke each and every single rule that they had.  Guys in orange vests would wave left and we would go right.  They would point for us to park and we would keep on going.  I rode right up and in to the swap meet and parked under virtually the one and only tree!  PERFECT!  As we rode in and parked, I looked up to see Brother Adam, Keith Cole, Elvis and Bean're not 15 feet away from us!  I got off the bike, turned off the petcock and walked over.  As I walked over Keith Cole was on his phone and said here man, listen to this message, it's about you.  ABOUT ME?  Ut oh, who did I piss off now?  On the other end leaving a message was the one and only Milwaukee Mike and he was calling from the Woodstock Swap Meet oddly enough, but he was in Wisconsin!  He had found everything that I need to make the fxr in to a full blown mile melting machine and had it all for a sick price!  Wow, what a day already.  I got my girl on the back of the bike, my friends by my side, and motorcycle parts coming my way without even having to ask!  I give him back the phone and realize that I forgot my smokes in the saddle bag.  I looked across the lot, all 20 feet of it now and I see something hanging from my bike.  What the fuck is that?  Who would walk up and have the audacity to hang something on some one's bike?  Talk about just plain rude!  I am not on the property for 5 minutes and some jerkoff is hanging shit on my bike!  As I walked towards it I started to make it out.  Is that a ribbon?  NO, can't be.... it couldn't have been Bean're getting pay back for me putting the I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, NO STRINGS ATTACHED, NO QUESTIONS ASKED NOTE IN HIS SADDLE BAG, could it?  Nah, he was standing right next to me, he couldn't have gotten over there and back that fast!  I soon found out what it was.....

This Photo was not in the original post but a friend sent it to me.  This is what I found when I walked up to the bike.  I just laughed my ass off and shook my head and thought, SO THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT!

I WON!  I WON!  I WON THE PARKING LOT AWARD!  I dont' know what it is or how it got on my bike.  While I walked over to my bike, so many people were standing around it that I thought it was on fire or something.  They were taking pics and pointing to shit, I had no idea what was going on.  I guess one of those fine folks named me parking lot winner!  First time ever.  So I guess the BEST WAY to win at the BIKE SHOW is to simply NOT ENTER IT!  I just walked over, shook my head, smiled for a few pics, grabbed my smokes and walked back over to my friends laughing.  They asked what was going on over there and I simply said, I think I won a parking lot but I'm not sure?  How can this day get any better?  I got my girl, my friends and now I won a parking lot!  I wonder what I will do with it.  It is close to the airport, maybe I'll use it as a park and fly, hell, maybe I'll open up a shuttle service too!  It can't get any better than this right?  Wrong....

Within just a few minutes of being at the swap, I ran in to some more friends.  The guys from Foundry Moto were there and they were offering up some of their fine Harley parts for sale.  We all shook hands and hugged and I said how good it was to see them and they said thank you for writing such a great piece about their party.  I said well thank you for throwing such a great party, I could not write any thing but great stuff about it because it was hands down the best party that I had been to in two years.  By the way, how much is that sporty fender right there?  Why, you don't have a sporty?  NO, but I have an FXRS now and I need that fender so that I can move the tail light back to where it belongs so I can put saddle bags on it to use it as my touring bike.  Well that fender is on special today for special customers, for you Jack, it's free!  Get out of here, really?  Wow!  I was blown away.  The only thing is, the tail light on that is busted.  Oh that's okay, thank you so much.  With that, I am handed a tail light to replace it.  Really?  FXR you say, you don't happen to need stock side covers do you?  Actually, yes I do!  What kind of mirrors do you have on it?  Well actually, I don't have any mirrors, I need mirrors too.  Foundry Moto, your one stop shop!  Okay, what do I owe you guys....?  Nothing!  Are you kidding me, really?  They were dead serious, they loaded me up with parts to get me on the road for no other reason than the fact that we were friends.  That is what it's all about folks, pay it forward.....

As I walked around I said to Diane, shit, my camera is on my bike, I want to take a few pics.  So I ran back to the bike and who do I see over by it?  Joey Chopper Chamberlain and what a surprise it was.  We too shook hands and checked on what each were up to and he said, "hey, you think you can get those saddle bags home on that"?  Sure can, why, you got em with ya?  Sure do, I'll be right back, I got to go grab em.  Well I'll be right back too, meet you right here at the bike.  I ran over to Diane, gave her the camera and said I'll be right back.  Joey had gotten a set of bags for me to help me get on the road faster than waiting for the bags that I need.  Sure as shit, I go back to the bike and sitting next to it are this kick ass set of leather bags.  He gives me the once over on how they work and shakes my hand.  We had made a deal for them.  He would give me the bags and we would go have coffee, only problem is, I don't drink coffee, so I said you come over and I'll make you and your lovely wife dinner.  I still haven't gotten him to commit to that one, I think he is afraid if he comes over, BEAN'RE will do the cooking.  I assured him that it would be me, but he was still not ready to sign up for this end of the bargain! 

There was no way that I could get my treasure trove of swap meet "gifts" back home on my bike, not without my girl trying to hold on to it all on the freeway at 80 so brother Adam said he would go get the truck and load it up for us.  Thank you my friend, I'll go with you.  Don't sweat it man, I'll go get the truck, why carry it all.  I'll meet you over at the Foundry guys in a few minutes.  Done deal!  So we went back over to our friends from Foundry and being the true gentlemen that they are, they promptly offered up the most kick ass folding chair that I have ever seen for Diane to sit and get out of the now BLAZING sun!

So Adam went and got the truck, I got to get my angel out of the sun before the ride home and got to hang with my boys from Foundry for a little while longer.  The last time that I got to see them was at the party and spending quality time that night was hardly possible, so it was cool to just hang for a bit and bullshit.

As far as the swap meet goes, well, it was small, there was some cool shit there but nothing truly great and the stuff that was worth having was of course way over priced.  There was a honda elsinore 125 from 1977 that looked as if it had never been ridden and that brought back a flood of childhood memories of running from the cops.  Oh to be a kid again!  In the end though, it was truly a great day.  I got to take a bad ass chopper for a great ride with a beautiful girl on the back.  I got to enjoy a spectacular Arizona day with great friends and we talked bikes and bike shit.  I left with arms full of parts that great friends all kicked up to the cause and once again proved that bikers are truly the most generous people on earth!  I came home, cleaned up the big ass king / queen seat that I picked up when I got Diane's xs650 yesterday and ate some left over PF Changs food from the night the car broke down!  I can't say it was the perfect day, but I can say it was damn near close to it.  Once again allow me to say, no rather SCREAM, that I am blessed to have not only the greatest friends any one person can ask for, but I got a smokin hot ol' lady to share it all with! 

Till I see you on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit


  1. Funny shit Jack!!!! Beanrs cooking!!!! sorry i sped off so quick, i got there later then you guys , and was feeling like i need to buy more crap before everyone packed up there shit and split!!!!Was great to meet your very sweet wife, and thanks for the offer of dinner and stuff man.I thought the meet was kinda crappy this year, but i had a fun day.Hope to see you guys again soon.And thanks for the nice words man.Take care.Joey

  2. LOL kewl beans!!! love this spot! thanks for the heads up! Oh and WOW Milwaulkee Mike-i aint seen him n a few years!!! Kewl Kat;p
    U have suceeded n makin me laugh even across the miles i thank you!
    Byrd aka Byrdiemae