It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Friday, April 15, 2011

How do I get in to the shit I find myself knee deep in?

No that's not how you do it, I just saw a television show, THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!

Where the hell and what the hell is that building?  Ya got me, ask my friends from Nashville, they can tell ya!

So one night in the middle of the night a few years ago I once again found myself stressed to the max and could not sleep.  This is going back quite a few years now and although I had money rolling in hand over fist, I couldn't stop worrying about my wife, her health and knowing that the single worse thing for MS is stress.  Although we literally had money to burn in the bank, the housing bubble had burst and exploded like the money shot in a group sex shower scene in a Gay Porn!  I had just watched a show about how lottery winnings ruined people's lives and all I could think was <come and ruin mine>!  That show was followed by a show about people who do nothing but enter sweepstakes and give aways full time and you know what?  They win all the time.  This was a Friday or a Saturday night.  What stuck out in particular was a woman who showed how she always wins when you do those fill out the form and put in the box kind of contests.  Everyone fills out the form, folds it in half and puts it in the box.  NOT HER!  She folds it, then folds up each corner so that they stick up and out a bit.  All four corners folded in different directions.  Now when they mix it up and reach in to pull one out, because of the folded corners hers sticks to everything and they nearly always pull hers.  The following day, I go to a party at the local Harley Dealer, Superstition Harley, hey, I was new in town and didn't really know anyone and we needed a break.  Turns out Diane didn't even want to go so I went with someone who at the time was a good friend, turns out today, not so good!  Anyway, we are waiting on this incredibly long line for our "complimentary bbq food" and I see all these people over at the local country station's table.  I said, hold my spot, brb, I want to see what's going on.  I would insert a photo from that day of the party at the dealer, but I am really not a fan of the factory or the dealers these days.  I always say, support your local bike shop or do it your damn self.  So I will insert a special pic here!
About 5 days later, I am standing on my driveway and I am washing off the mud from my Jeep.  I hear my phone ring and I don't recognize the number.  Now like I said, those days we had money so I knew it wasn't a bill collector, so I answered it.  Yes hello, John?  The voice said over the phone.  John?  Yeah, who's this was the response.  This is Dick Hardcock, not his real name but I can't remember who it was actually so we will just call him that for now!  Yeah, what do you want Dick?  What are you doing this weekend?  Well, that is really none of your fucking business Dick, tell me what you want because you have 3 seconds till I hang up on you!  Well like I said, this is Dick Hardcock from Camel Country 108!  Yeah and I am fucking Howard Stern, what do you want?  No really man, I am who I say I am and were you at Superstition Harley this past weekend?  UHM, YEAH, I was.  Are you free this weekend?  I can be, what's up?  Well you entered a contest at the Dealership.  I did?  Yes, you did, don't you remember?  No, not really.... oh, wait a minute, is this the thing you wrote your name on and put it in the box?  YES, THAT'S IT!  Can you make it down to the radio station by tomorrow noon and are you over 18 with ID to prove it?  Yes I am, what did I win.  You won a first class, all expense paid trip to Nashville, Tennessee for the CMA awards with special VIP package and treatment!  Oh my God, really, I can't believe it, how cool but what are the CMA awards?  Really, are you serious says Dick Hardcock!  They are the Country Music Awards, aren't you a fan of country music?  WELL, YES, I AM NOW!  So I actually woke up in the morning and picked up my super prize package.  Do you want to pay the taxes now?  HELL NO!  I will let my creative accountant handle that later! 

So off to the airport we went and shortly after we landed in Nashville.  Where we were met and treated just like they said, like VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE!  We were put up in this kick ass hotel on like the 18th floor and most everything was comped!  Upon our arrival, we were met in the lobby by our Guest Relations coordinator and brought to a special room where we were to receive our special package.  They were not kidding, they loaded us up on all kinds of swag!  You know when you here about the Academy Awards and the stars get those special "gift bags" and they are filled with all kinds of great stuff?  That is what we got.  We got shit from all the sponsors.  $40 bottles of hair conditioner and ridiculous stuff like that.  We checked in to our room, the entire time the lil woman walking next to me, squeezing me saying YOU ARE THE FUCKIN MAN JACK!  How do you pull this shit off?  I don't know, the lil old Contest entry lady I saw on tv the other day.  It's only because of her that we are here.  Can you believe that shit really works?

The above photos were taken from the window of our hotel with the camera fully zoomed in.  We were up there, high above "the little people" and it felt damn good!  The first night we were hustled in to this special dinner with a whole bunch of song writers.  One of the big things that differs in Country Music is that it is controlled by a bunch of good ol' boys!  You play by there rules more or less or you don't play at all!  You see in Country, you have the people who write the songs and then you have the people who record and perform the songs and usually they are not the same person!  Spread the wealth more or less.  At the time we were there, Big And Rich were hitting it huge.  While they performed on stage, they had this chick who would get up there with a spinning easel and a blank canvas.  They would start a song and by the time it was over, this chick had finished a painting and they were pretty bad ass.  Normally I am not a "Star Fucker" but this was not a normal trip so I did what any good tourist would do, I had my photo taken with her and even got her to sign the event invite.  She was kind of kooky but what artist isn't?

Look at her giving the Devil Horns!  I think she was just excited to have her pic taken with Jack Shit!  For the record, her other hand his holding my ass!  Yes, it's good to be the king!  Anyway, while we were there, a few guys got up and played and told the stories of the songs, how they came about and shit like that.  The entire reason that I am writing this post today is because while on the drive home today, I was scanning through the radio stations and this song came on.  Live like you were dying, performed by Tim McGraw.  Well while at this dinner we met the two guys who actually wrote the song.  We hit it off pretty good and they actually had this little book or some shit, to be honest, I never really looked at it again.  Anyway, they signed the book for me and damn near laughed themselves till they pissed when I told them who to make the book out to!  JACK SHIT, really man?  YES SIR!  We got pretty tuned up that night and left the hotel and went on down to a local Honky Tonk, yes, they really do call them that.  We had a few more drinks, went back to the hotel where I got yet another reward for scoring this trip only this time it didn't come in a gift bag, it came in a nice, tight lil package.  MY GIRL!  Nothing makes me happier than when I make her happy and better yet PROUD!  Let's just say, I have never entered another contest without folding up the corners on the entry slip!

The next day we were invited as special guests to a private concert a few blocks away called Rhinestones and Roses or some shit like that?  There is a guy that is an institution in Nashville named Manuel.  He is a clothing designer who makes the sickest "cowboy" shit you have ever seen.  Everything is blinged out.  He made the outfits for Elvis, Dolly Parton & Stallone for that horrible movie they made and he made crazy ass clothes for every Country super star ever.  The music was performed by the who's who in the history of Country Music.  It was actually kind of cool to go to.
I don't really remember who these people are.  I know she is big time in Country and the old guy, well you got me?  The guy in the back corner with the white hair and the blue jacket, that is Manuel.  We really dug the show and had a great time.  We left the show, had some "free lunch" back at the hotel and rested up for a bit.  In a few hours we had to be a big show called THE SONGS OF THE YEAR CONCERT.

Turns out that this was being filmed for Canadian Country Music Television and our seats were so close to the stage that each time we got up to piss somebody came and filled our seats.

 We showed up at the concert "dressed appropriately" and had a few drinks in the lobby.  While waiting to go in, the Guest Relations coordinator was there with her husband, tonight they partied too.  She asked how we enjoyed the afternoon's show and if we could get over the people there.... honestly it was a great show but I certainly could get over who was there.  She asked if we had a chance to go down to the BOUTIQUE yet?  Uhm, nope, where's and what's that?  It is where Manny makes the clothes and sells them.  It will be busy with everyone picking up their clothes for the CMA's but you should at least go there to say you were there.  Really, to say we were there?  You can't really buy anything but maybe you could pick up a t shirt or something.  Well, okay, we will go tomorrow before the Awards Show.  So the next day came, we gabbed a cab and went down to the "boutique".  It was just a tiny old house in the middle of Nashville.  Okay, not impressed.  We went inside and I have to admit, there was just a sense of REALLY COOL going on in there and the energy was through the roof.  Part of the show that was in his honor was a performance by some huge star and while he sang, models came out and walked the stage in these jackets that he had created for each and every single state.  Here is one of them!

The place was really cool and most of the jackets were there on display.  We were made to feel really at home by one of the girls who turned out to be Manny's daughter.  We wandered around this tiny shop and were told, go ahead, try it on, any thing you like.  So of course Diane did.  She found this jacket, one of only two in the world that was a matched set with a pair of jeans.  Well the jeans were for someone six foot tall, but the jacket was bad ass!  It looked so good on her, I felt she had to have it... hell, we are on vacation!  How much could a denim jacket be anyway?  Wow, I wished I had asked that first..... $500!  Ah screw it, you only live once and remember, Live Like You Were Dying, right?  Diane is always about fair play so she insisted that I get something to.  What the fuck am I going to buy in a place like this?  Then I found these black pants, man were they cool looking.  There were only 4 pair of these ever made.  The case they were in was unlocked, that should have been my first warning, a locked case and I pulled them out.  Leather!  Holy Shit.... they don't even look like leather.  Diane said go try them on.  Try them on, I was afraid to touch them.  I did and walked out of the dressing room and she said, God Damn, look at you!  Buy them!  No way, c'mon, are you shitting me?  NO, BUY THEM!  Who knew fashion got chicks so damn hot!  With that, this guy comes walking out.  He said he heard me making everyone who walked in the door laugh so he wanted to meet me and say hello and see who this maniac was.  We hit it off instantly!  I told him that we were picking up the jacket for Diane and more than likely the pants.  He looked at me and no bullshit, said "prick"!  What?  Prick?  Those were what he was planning on wearing to the CMA's that night.  I said well too late now buddy, they are going to be mine....  he laughed and said I can't think of someone I would rather see have them.  He then said come here and follow me.  So he took us in to the office and said here man, please, take a few t' shirts, on me.  T' shirts, big deal.... I grabbed them and damn if they were not the nicest feeling t shirts I have ever felt.  He asked Diane to turn around slowly and she did....  He said, sweet Jesus, look at that!  He then went back in to the drawer and pulled out some Manuel booty shorts and gave them to Diane too.  We grabbed the jacket and pants and our free swag and handed them my credit card.  $1300!  The fucking pants were $800 bucks!  HOLY SHIT!  $800 pants are more expensive than my first car!  It was getting late and we had to get back to the hotel to get ready for the show.  The guy that had come out was Manny Jr., Manuel's son!  Who knew?  He said listen, don't you dare even think about a taxi, I'll drive you back to the hotel.... really, holy shit, okay!

He made us promise that when the Awards were over that we would meet him at the Wild Horse Saloon or some thing like that and that we were going to party our asses off all night.  So we hopped in to his Escalade or Denali or whatever it was he was driving, all I know is that it was nice and he drove us back to the hotel.  Now this family is Nashville Royalty, so he pulled up right in the fire zone / no parking zone in front of the hotel and just left the truck running and got out and walked around to open the door for Diane.  Such fine country manners!  He LOVED, LOVED, LOVED Diane!  As we pulled up, the Guest Relations lady was standing outside smoking and as she saw Manny Jr. she got all star struck and giddy, her face lit up.  Then our doors opened and we got out of the truck and her mouth just dropped open wide.... as we walked up she stammered and said "how, what, how, how, how did you..... who are you guys?  I said, "I'm Jack Shit honey".  We stood outside and smoked for a few and this crazy maniac comes out the door.  Manny wraps his arms around the guy and they start instantly screwing with each other.  Jack, Diane, this is my friend, he has the cowboy boot display in the convention center, have you seen them?  No Manny, we have not, no time and it's already closed.  Not any more it ain't he said, come with me and we all went up the escalator.  At the top was the tables with the Guest Relations people.  Behind that the doors to the convention center.  The name of the boot company was Tres Amigos or something like that and this is the guy who makes Arnold's and George Bush's boots.  He walked over, unlocked the doors and said to the girls at the tables, I know I'm closed but I want to show my friends my boots.  Again, the woman's face was just blank!  I have never seen anything like these boots.  The least expensive pair available was $750 and that was a deal he was giving us!  We passed on buying any boots, THANK GOD!  We thanked him for taking the time to show us such amazing art and that is what they were, art!  We went straight to the hotel bar and ordered a few double Jack and Cokes and I watched the lil woman get shit faced!

We went up to our room finally to get ready for the big show and I took a big FULL double Jack and Coke with me!  I came out of the shower and it was gone!  I said "baby, what happened to my drink"?  I think someone may have broken in to our room and the only thing they took was your drink.... We got our shit together and got dressed for the show!
If that ain't country, I'll kiss your ASS!

You can almost see the Jack dripping out of the lil woman's eyes!  I wonder if it were in fact an inside job in the break in and robbery of my Jack Daniels?  We went to the Awards show, found our way to our seats and my precious angel fell immediately to sleep.  She awoke as the applause rose at the very end of the show.  I got to see the show with a crooked neck because my girl put her head on my shoulders, pushed my head over to the side and went out cold!  We walked outside and it was freezing cold and raining.  I just wanted to go back to the hotel and go to sleep.  I was damn tired by now and had a stiff neck.  Not my girl, she was now well rested and ready to party all night.  So we went down to the Wildhorse and sure as shit ran in to Manny and his crew, partied there for a while and said okay, we are going.  Oh no you are not, you will do at least one shot with me before you go said Manny Jr.  Okay, one shot!  YEAH RIGHT!  For the first time in my life, I went HONKY TONKING!  This apparently takes a great deal of skill because you have to make it from one end of the street to the other end.  Simple right?  Well not when each and every door that you pass is the entrance to yet another bar and we passed through each and every door.  A few bars down the street, Manny asked if it was okay to dance with Diane... sure, why not....  they danced for a few and he went do dip her and threw her back and missed catching her and she flew right out the front door of the bar.  The bars are all tiny little row buildings that are 20 feet wide and 200 feet deep with a band on a stage right in the window.  She stood up laughing and he came over repeating, "I'm so sorry man", for what, it's all good, no harm no foul.  This went on for another two hours and then we just gave up!  We said our good byes to every one we met, exchanged email and phone numbers and promised we would never come to town again without stopping in and "doing it again".  Do it again?  Not sure about that, but we certainly did, that night at least, LIVE LIKE WE WERE DYING and you know what?  The next morning, WE WERE!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass.

Your friend,
Jack Shit


  1. I loved being on your vacation through your words. Left me with a big smile on my face. Way to go and live!

  2. Damn Jack, That was a long ass post but I read every word!

  3. Funny shit!!! Diane's hilarious and such a good sport!!

  4. There ya go Jack! A money making deal right before your eye’s!!!!

    A pair of $800 leather britches, worn buy the “One and Only Jack Shit” at the 06 CMA awards! There’s a Country Gal out there willing to pay big bucks for that... :)