SON OF A BITCHIN BASTARD ASS RAPING GOAT SCREWER!

This was only a tiny bit of the profanity that came out of my mouth on my drive home tonight!  Believe you me, it was a hell of a lot more colorful than this.  Within a few minutes, the anger slipped away, I took a deep breathe and rolled the car off of the side of the road and a feeling of total decimation engulfed my being!  I have come to grips with being fucked over, cheated, lied to, robbed, deceived, hoodwinked, ass raped, busted, broken and betrayed but c'mon universe, how about a break every now and again?  Really, just once in a while, please....?

Allow me to lay today's nightmare out for ya!  Although it's hard to technically call it today's nightmare as it has been an ongoing saga!  We got jammed up for money like so many other Americans for the last 60 days or so.  We had a shit ton of money coming in, damn near as good as in our hands!  See how I said "near as good"?  I say that because that is how close we actually got to getting it, damn near.  The first of my wife's real estate deals went south, with that, things began to fall like dominoes.  Deals went to hell, were delayed or completely fell apart with each passing day.  I had money coming in that has been delayed now for nearly 2.5 years and it too looks like I will now never receive it!  With this bullshit going on my precious angel of a wife's Health Insurance came due.  If I am a moment late on that it will be dropped and she will never have it again.  I made the executive decision to take the money from Peter to pay Paul.  Apparently this would come back and bite me on the ass!  I paid Diane's health insurance and assorted things that go with it and also went totally wild and paid our utilities as well, I was a man out of control!  The money I used was money to make the car payments.  On day 45 late, a Sunday, I had a couple grand in my hand.  I said baby, we need to figure out what we have to get caught up on Monday, the very next day.  We had just enough to catch us up on everything.  Thanks to some hard work on both of our parts, a little hustling, AZ Bike Week and my friends amazing support and a shit ton of T' Shirt sales, we were caught up. 

The Television Crew had just left my house to head back to Vegas and beyond and my kitchen was still filled with my house guests.  I took a drive down in the truck 8 houses away to see Charlie the Nomad and his crew before they rolled out of town.  I had to drive my truck because I could not walk that far with my back as wasted as it was.  As I sat in the truck talking with F Bomb through the passenger window a Repo Tow Truck drives past us.  I said, "boy, it's a good thing I just paid off the truck or that guy would be going to my house".  I drove to the gas station to get smokes and my phone rings, it's Diane, the truck really was there for me, but for the car instead of the truck!  No phone calls, no pleasant reminders, hell, not even threats about being behind, just a tow truck to repo it!  She said to the driver "I planned on paying it tomorrow, I can give you all the money now and pay your fees and whatever else you need cash right now on the spot".  WE CAN'T DO THAT!  You can pay it and then pick up the car Monday or Tuesday, it will only be $150!  Really?  You suck, but okay!  Wait, let me give you the keys to the car so that you can load it up easier.  Please be careful, don't hurt the car, please!  He goes out, takes the car in to the street as I pull up in front of the house.  I am so pissed off, ashamed and embarrassed that not only did this just happen, but in front of our friends and house guests.... I was exhausted from keeping insane hours at Bike Week and had nothing left to fight, so I just watched it roll away.

The next day, we call up the bank and say "how much do you want, it can't be that much, it wasn't that late"?  We want you to pay off the entire note now!  WHAT?!?!!!  WTF are you talking about?  How much are the payments behind, well in 6 days it will be two months.... Our response was, don't you think that if I had enough money to just pay off the car completely I would be even a minute late?  Well we want all of it or nothing, we keep the car!  Instead of being an animal and telling them to drop dead, or suck a dead goat's dick, my wife was sweet, kind and angelic to this demon on the phone!  "I can't do that, please, I need my car, I can't exist without it"....  Sorry was the reply!  How many miles does the car have, "78k".  Oh! Oh! Okay, please hold.  10 minutes later the woman gets back on the phone and says you have to pay us $3000 plus the back payments plus we are responsible for all the fees.  OH THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU ARE FAR TOO KIND!

The next day, we PAY THE RANSOM because that is what it was and we pick up the car.  The $150 was now $386 and you can pick it up between 3pm and 4:30pm.  Nice fair hours.  Of course if you can't pick it up we'll be happy to hold it until you can for a daily fee of course!  When we went to pick it up the guy on the lot was actually hiding so we didn't see him, I guess they wanted to keep it for a few more days.  Well after 35 minutes of standing in the sun and the guy disappearing with both my id and my banking info he returned.  15 minutes after that, he came back with the car.  Now keep in mind, this is not a large place, we can see the guy the entire time!  He gives us some forms where we are to check for body damage and such.  We told the guy it looks okay and we weren't too worried because we gave the guy the keys and asked him to be extra careful.  A quick walk around and no damage found.  We split up after that, I went one way and Diane the other, lots to do.  She drove around 175 miles with the car that day, came home and parked it.  The next day, she got in, started it, backed out and drove away.  An hour later I walked out the door and on the driveway was a massive puddle of oil!  HUGE!  Holy shit, after driving it and this puddle, can there be any oil left?  I called Diane in a panic and told her to bring the car right back.  I tried to get down to the ground to check what was leaking but the pain in my back was like getting electrocuted!  This prick after being asked so nicely not to hurt the car FUCKED IT UP BIG!  It took three days of the car being parked before I could get down on the ground to look under it and there was oil sprayed everywhere. 

We call the company and ask how this could have happened?  I DON'T KNOW?  At least he didn't straight up tell us to drop dead or laugh and hang up.  He told us to get the car and bring it to the shop next door to where we picked it up.....  okay, I guess!  We take the car to the shop, put it up on the lift and have to hear that they are sure it is just a coincidence that this happened at all and are sure it can't be anything they did.  The car goes up in the air and the mechanics gather around.  A little whispering between them and I knew I had to go over and look.  The driver who we gave the keys to and asked to please be careful, was so gentle THAT HE CRACKED THE OIL PAN!  MOTHERFUCKER!!!  The owner to his credit said oh yeah, the driver sure as hell did this.  A short time later, I was told that it would be taken care of.... REALLY?  You mean some one is going to do the right thing?  Dumbfounded barely describes my reaction.  Bring it in on Wednesday and we will take care of it, we have to order it from Volkswagen.  I called and the part hadn't arrived.  I called later and the part hadn't arrived.  I called again and you guessed it, it had not arrived.  Maybe we should schedule for another day?  Really, after I waited all day today and put it all off till tomorrow, I now have to come there tomorrow?  Okay...  First thing in the morning today became eleven, then two and finally three pm.  I arrived promptly at 3:10 and we put the car up again.  I can hear the guy yelling while he was working, GOD DAMNIT, SON OF A BITCH, FUUUUUCK!!!!  I was not feeling good about this now at all.  I have this guy taking apart a German car and using every curse imaginable!  With each profanity soaked scream my gut wrenched just a bit more.  Finally around 5 pm, the offending oil pan was removed, placed next to the new one and now there are three guys standing around it shaking their heads.  As I approach them I can hear them talking to each other, "man, well it sure is close to the original"  "Yeah it sure does, except for the big hole in the middle".  I can't believe this shit!  Only me does this shit happen to.  I can't take the car home again because there is no oil in the engine and no oil pan ON THE ENGINE!  I am 25 miles from home and there is a circle of "mechanics" talking about how similar the parts really are.  Of course with the exception OF THE BIG HOLE in the middle.  A last minute call is made and the owner has to drive, 22 miles to go pick up the part and the place is 3 miles from my house.  I can hear the song play in my head instantly.......... SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO NOW? 

Like an idiot, I decide to stay.  An hour later the part arrives and it gets installed with the plate to cover the BIG FUCKING HOLE IN THE MIDDLE.  The oil pan gets put back on and I can see 4 people now looking around on the ground, tool boxes, garbage cans, loose shit on the ground etc.... I approach horrified to even ask...... but I did..... "what's wrong guys"?  We can't find one of the bolts that holds the oil pan on.  I know we had it... YA THINK, REALLY?  I think ya did too, since the oil pan came in attached!  I was shot out, pissed off and tired.  I'll order you two new bolts tomorrow and come back and we'll put em in.  Two bolts?  You only lost one, why order two?  Oh the second is to replace the one we stripped getting out.... Oh well, that makes total sense, of course.  So the oil pan is on, minus one bolt and including one stripped one.  We even out the air in all the tires and I say my goodbyes and I thank them for working so hard and of course for doing the right thing and not trying to screw me on the job and for being honorable guys.  A bit of a mess but still they kept their word.  I drove away and the car felt great.  I was rolling about 80 mph down the freeway when the engine light came on!  Ut oh!  I got off the highway and drove towards the house, now doing 40 mph when all of a sudden there is this noise like I drove over a metal bed frame and it is stuck under the car and I am dragging it.  Imagine the sound that a muffler makes when it drops off a car and drags, got it, now multiply that by 10!  OH MY GOD, is that me?  No, can't be...  the old shitty car next to me drives away and I begin to make a right.  I slow to make the turn and the old car drives by, the sound is getting quieter.  Was getting quieter that is until I stepped on the gas again.  As I stepped on the gas my heart sank.... why me?  I figured 1.5 miles at the most and I am home, off the road and safe and sound.  I will just nurse it.... 300 feet more is about how far I made it before I became horrified that the motor was about to blow!  I just pulled the car over, right at the edge of the Ghetto!  Perfect.  While I wait for the tow truck I will have plenty of time to be robbed, raped and murdered.  Oh good, so it all works out then! 

The little woman only 10 minutes before called me to tell me that since I had such a long and shitty day she had just ordered PF Changs for us and was going to pick it up.  I called her and said baby, cancel that order.  Oh, did I mention that I had to piss like a race horse and I was completely OUT OF SMOKES?  As I said earlier at the opening of this, at first my head was about to explode then I just pulled over and more or less gave up.  I had quite a bit of time to kill until the tow truck came and that gave me time to think about MY CIRCLE OF LIFE!  First I run out of money, then car gets repo'd, then because I don't have any money, I have to come up with 5 times the amount that I didn't have in the first place, then they tow the car and break it, then I go to the people who damaged it's repair shop where they damage the car and I now have to wait for the company that towed the car in the first place and caused the damage to begin with, to now come back and tow it again back to the repair shop that just caused more damage than I began this whole circle of bullshit with! 

Here is the part I forgot to tell you!  Once I got to the shop, I met the guy who owned the towing company.  He said that he worked for the banks for 15 years and over the last two their policies changed.  The computer searches for cars that have late payments of any kind with a lot of equity in them.  Then they demand that you pay the note in full immediately.  When you can't, they keep the car and the best part, bill you to "refurbish it for sale" and add that to the debt you will still owe even after the car is gone.  The one and only thing that saved us was the mileage on the car, it was really high for it's model year.  There was not as much profit in the resale of the car after they seized it as they thought there was!  Remember above when I told you she asked how many miles and then put us on hold?  This is the reason why and that is the reason why they demanded only half and allowed us the honor of getting it back.  Real nice... aren't these the very same banks we bailed out so that they could help Americans who got in trouble and loosen restrictions.  It seems the bank figured out an angle like foreclosing on homes but with autos!  Way to Go!

SOME DAYS I JUST WISH THAT I DIDN'T WAKE UP..... and all this after having to go deal with the state of Arizona to pick up Death Certificates for our unlce who died!  Let me tell you, you don't even want me to get in to that ridiculous affair!

Till I see you on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit