It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Eat Your Heart Out Is All I Can Say

Anyone who knows me, knows damn well that I am not one to gloat.  I am not one to rub some one's nose in it nor am I one who says "look at me, look at what I got to do"!  Well that is until today!  Today I'm going to gloat a little bit, today I'm going to say LOOK AT WHAT I GOT TO DO!  A few days ago, less than a week for sure, I put up a few pics on my Facebook wall of a sick flattie.  Wait, I'll show you here, right now, the bike that I'm talking about!

LOOK AT THAT BIKE!  To just be close enough to really get a good look at it is incredible.  To be allowed to hop on it, sit on that plunger seat and put your feet up on the floorboards, mind blowing.  To sit on it and remember the old videos of the soldiers training on these bikes and what they were able to do on them, takes your mind to another place and time.  To be allowed to "go ahead and kick it", a pure thrill.  Last weekend, we sat amongst many great chops, stockers and survivors in the freezing garage for probably 4 if not 5 hours bullshitting and just talking bikes, of memories past and planning new ones.  There is something about even sitting next to a bike like this that gives me a tingle in my "special place"!

TODAY THOUGH, THAT ALL CHANGED and what I thought could not get any better proved to me that it can get MUCH, MUCH BETTER!  The bike had been transported down to AZ. for safekeeping while its owner was off conquering the world.  From that night in the garage on, the thought of that bike sitting in the garage had me horrified.  You see the home where it is being stored is up for sale and the thought of people going in and out of the garage and seeing that bike, amongst the others sitting there might be too much for some to handle and entice them in to doing bad things.  All the bikes there are gorgeous, not a one of them you would not be proud to own and ride.  The thing is though, even the Panhead could be replaced with a hefty insurance check, God forbid they were stolen, but that Flattie, how could you ever replace that bike?  Check or no check, it would be virtually impossible to find a bike this bad ass and this pristine.  I had not had a decent night's sleep since that bike was left there.  Finally Brother Mario called and asked, "were you serious about parking that bike at your home"?  I replied, at my home, I'm going to park that fucker INSIDE my home!  He then told me, "then go and get it"!  I was going to run down with a trailer and pick it up when it dawned on me that I sold my truck and no longer have a vehicle with a trailer hitch!  We had to go show the house today to clients, who loved it by the way and I decided that I would ride that rolling work of art home!

I rolled it out of the garage, clicked the choke up halfway, advanced the timing and that 70 year old bike fired on the very first kick!  I let it get up to running temperature, sat on the seat, stepped on the clutch and it DIED!  Son of a bitch!  Got off it, kicked it over, fired it up, sat on the seat and it DIED!  Mother fucker!  It sounded like it was starving for gas and I knew the gas in the tank was very low so I began to look and look and look for the petcock!  WHERE THE HELL IS THE PETCOCK?  Is it possible that it doesn't have one?  I can't seem to find one.  I'm kicking and kicking and kicking and now there is nothing!  Got a nice bright headlight so I know I have power, what in the hell is going on?  The house sits on top of a very high hill so now I have a flash of genius, I'll put it in second, roll it down the hill and bump start it, all good, no problem!  Well it would be no problem if the engine was getting any gas!  So once again, it fired up, I rode it 25 feet and it promptly DIED!  THERE IS NO PUSHING IT BACK UP THE HILL, this I know for sure.  Finally I call and tell him what is going on.  He asks, did you open the petcock?  WHERE IS THE FUCKING PETCOCK?  Oh, that's a petcock?  Who'da thunk it?  If the engine gets gas, the engine will run!  Now the thrilling, amazing, inches added to my penis just pulling down the driveway ride began!  Off I went.  Now I've never ridden a three speed, rocker clutch, tank shift bike in my life, how hard can it be?  Actually, not hard at all.  Got her off the mountain, down the hill and filled with gas and off I rode.  Luckily, the lil woman was in the car and she was able to capture a few shots for posterity!

Holy Sweet 4lb 7oz Baby Jesus was it bad assed!

All I could think of the entire ride was "oh God, please don't let anything happen, please don't let anything happen"!  As I crossed the intersection of Guadalupe and Ellsworth Roads, some stupid bitch, on the phone with a car load of kids made a fast left across 6 lanes and cut right in front of me. I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER FOR BOTH MYSELF AND THE BIKE!  At the very last moment, she saw me, slammed on the brakes, then punched the gas and then finally jammed on the brakes again and stopped right in the middle of the intersection!  It took approximately 2 miles before my balls returned to their original location in my nut sack!  They were somewhere near the base of my throat I believe!  At least that is the last place that I felt them rise to.  Every single car, truck or bike that went past me spun their necks like their heads were going to come off when they seen her going down the road.  At each light that I stopped at, someone would roll down the window and ask me what year it was and with big smiles say "my God, it's amazing"!  I've gotten this a lot while riding the knuckle but I've never seen anything like this.  What blew me away were the old timers.  It's what we call here in AZ, SNOWBIRD season and we got lots and lots of old fuckers running the roads.  The look on their faces as I rolled up next to them at traffic lights spoke volumes.  That bike going down the road today brought back a flood of memories for a few old guys in pick up trucks with Army stickers in the windows and on the bumpers and I got to be part of it!
I rode that thing so gently!  It was like the first time I was ever handed a new born baby!  I was terrified and astonished at the very same time!  Today, my Brother Mario made a dream come true for me and I'll never forget it!  I've had the honor and the pleasure of riding some of the most beautiful choppers that have ever put two wheels to pavement, like the one he made me ride the other night by saying "hey, if you don't want to ride it and just be a bitch, well, I'm okay with that"!  This bike here!

When I rolled back in to my driveway last Friday night on this sick Pan, I could not wipe the smile from my face.  I shut her down and the only words that came out of my mouth were "man, I've never felt so cool in all my life as I just did rolling down the street on this"!  Well I have to correct that statement after today!  I don't know of anything that could make me feel as amazing as I did today riding that Flattie!

In our life, a tremendous amount of bad has happened and Diane and I have survived a great deal and no matter what, we've always pushed forward.  Countless times, I've thought to myself and I've even asked aloud, when will things get better?  We've dedicated our lives to keeping 100% perfect Karma and are just waiting for it to come back around.  I've come to realize that it's not the "things" we get in return or get back, that is our good Karma coming back on us, but the very people who have come in to our lives and share their time with us!  The kindness, the generosity, the support and THE LOVE that these people share with us, that right there is our COSMIC REWARD!  That right there is our Karma coming back to us!  Every now and again, friends talk about the fantasy of winning the lottery and I always say, "I never play, I never buy tickets"!  I'd never put too much thought in to it and when I did, I just figured our luck is so shitty and so bad that we would never have a chance to win, so why waste the dollar to play?  More and more lately though, I realize, that we've already WON THE LOTTERY!  We are surrounded by the most amazing people that anyone could ever wish to be surrounded by.  Of course a scumbag, a user, a rat, a liar or a flat out fake fuck will sneak through the cracks but they are quickly found out and cut loose.  Most times we are no worse off then before that trash entered our lives.  On occasion, unfortunately we are and those are the lessons in life that you learn from.  It also helps you to realize just how amazing the "real" people in your life are!  So even though at times, we may be a couple of broke bitches, we are extremely wealthy where it counts and we are blessed!

For those of you who we share our time with, who we make those memories with and with whom we look forward to a future with, all I can say from the bottom of my heart is "you guys were our winning powerball ticket"!  Thank you for all you do and for who you are!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your Ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit


  1. I'm jealouss as all get out!! My first bike back in 1968 was a 1942 Flathead 45. Those pics brought back some great memories!! Thanks Jack!

  2. That was some bad ass story and some ultra fantastic pictures you and the little lady got there man! wow!!!!
    Love your writings, as always. be safe.Rhode Island said that.

  3. Hey jack quick story here
    i was at a car show here in New England and i came upon a couple of military vehicles and as i walked by all of them and came to the end of the line there she was just sitting behind the WWII deuce and a half,that very bike you are on there and it was just unreal.there was a photo history book and coleage of pictures and a restoration process that was done by some of the finest at there craft.
    with that bike came a story the man who owned the bike bought it and restored it for his dad now the guy im talking to is in his 60s? and he tells me how his dad is here at the show walking around checking the car show out, im like blown away at this point. so he tells me how when he brought this bike to his dad as a gift for his 90 something birthday,and said when his dad came out the front door and down the stairs he ran over to the bike like a young man back in his day and got right her like it was yesterday and asks does it run and everybody in the house was out in the front yard by this point saying noooo!!!!DO NOT LET HIM DRIVE THAT THING!!!!! his son tells me how he let his dad fire that bad girl up and he drove off like it was yesterday.he came back 10 15 mins later and the Family members were blown away. now at this point standing there at the car show, this guys father comes walking up.and says we gota fire these things up and clear the road ways cause the car shows over and i gota fly. Jack I tell you i almost fell over. these people have been blessed.
    i have some pictures from that car show i just have to get my desk top back together i will get them to you. as always be safe.