It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Monday, January 9, 2012

The Best Gift That I Never Got!

Confused, excited, stunned, intrigued, shocked and thrilled were just a few of the emotions that I was feeling as I slowly approached. Could it really be? Has this happened? This is the kind of thing you read about in a fiction novel or you see on the news because it is so rare that people do these kinds of things, but was it happening to me, this very Saturday? At first, I was just frozen as I stood there. I took a few steps closer and closer until I finally made it all the way to the street. I walked in a circle and each of those emotions and more were filling my mind and body. Each car or mini van that drove by with the neighbors would stare at me as they passed, envious I thought. Perhaps it was time to go put pants on? I guess the best look for me is not Under Armour underwear, black socks and Al Qaeda shoes with no shirt. I also came quickly to the realization that it was certainly not the "perfect look" for standing in the middle of the street that runs through the heart of my PREDOMINANTLY Mormon neighborhood!

I was afraid to walk away for fear that it would disappear from sight, but I had no choice, I had to go back in the house and put some pants and a shirt on! I had only awoken 5-10 minutes before and had quickly leaped out of bed when I heard Diane's announcement, there was no time to dress. Now I had no choice in the matter, I had to put some clothes on before some one called the police and I have to spend the rest of my life registering as a sex offender for standing in the street in my Boxer Briefs!

I raced in, asked Diane rapid questions as I pulled the jeans that I had worn last night quickly back on and refused to believe her that she was not the one responsible. I slipped my feet back in to the old Al Qaeda shoes and pulled my shirt down over my head as I made my way to and out the front door. It was still there, right there, right in front of my home. There is NEVER anything in front of my home. I had to ask, why this, why now and HOW? The following is what I saw and how I saw it when I returned fully dressed to the street. Once the video is over, go to the bottom of this post and I will give you the full, heartbreaking details of what my investigation uncovered!

Well as it turns out.... this was not mine! This was not ours! This was not a gift at all. As a matter of fact, this right here was the VERY BEST GIFT THAT I NEVER, EVER GOT! I was so damn close too. I also had good reason to believe it. Some might ask, what in the world would ever make you even think that you would deserve this type of a gesture? 99.9 times out of a 100, the thought would have never entered my mind. I mean really the odds have to be even less than that. What lit my fuse were two things. First, the way Diane was so emotionless as she told me about it, this was unlike her. The only time she acts like this is when she has done something incredible for me and is trying to keep a surprise and a straight face. I have to give her credit on this one, she was really a good actor, or so I thought. The other was that the night before, we were being told a story by our friend with whom we were having dinner. He had been interrupted by the waiter and the manager of the restaurant a few times, but always returned to telling the story and finishing it. The punchline if you will, was that as a way of saying thank you for your help to someone, this friend gave another friend his 1949 pick up truck. I was blown away as I listened to the story. All I could think was "THIS GUY IS NOTHING BUT CLASS"! He is very much like Diane and I are. He, like us, is a giver much more than a taker. He loves to share as do we. What we have been blessed with is shared with the people we love. The night before he slept over but got up in the morning and hopped on his sick Panhead and rolled off. Three hours later we awoke to this in our street. Holy shit, he really wanted to share that story about the truck with us, was this the reason why?

NO IT WAS NOT! As it turns out, the truck belongs to a 71 year old man. It was his first truck that he ever owned and has it to this day. He is a mason who was building a block wall across the street from our home. Why the hell he was parked where he was, I have no idea. NO ONE EVER PARKS THERE! That was another thing that stirred my imagination. Turns out that his wife picked him up and took him to lunch and that was why it just sat there with no one around and believe it or not, keys in the ignition! The key in the damn ignition, yet another reason that I thought this was MINE! Once again, it was not! As I walked in to the house, confused and heartbroken, the old man and his wife pulled up across the street. We spoke for a bit and I told him that I was about to take it for a ride and the old guy said "to hell you are"..... feisty old Mormon mason that he is! I told him what I thought happened and he looked at me with a blank stare and asked "what kind of person just gives away old trucks, no one would do that"? I said a great person would and I know of one great person who just has! So stick that in your pipe you old, miserable, opinionated prick! Don't you say a bad thing about my friend or I'll take your truck and drive it straight up your ass! I was confident because I think I can take him! If the fight gets too rough, I'll just break his old hip!

Hope you enjoyed!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit


  1. That is just to funny man what a great read

  2. Nice shirt Jack! Thanks for the love!

  3. Hell man, gonna need to see you guys soon, I'm wearing this shirt out! Look forward to seeing you and your whole family soon enough!