It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Can't believe it will happen again! BUT IT IS!

I can't believe it!  This is actually going to happen again.  Not only will it happen again, it is now a two day event!  What is this event that I speak of with such shock?  The SLAB CITY RIOT 3!  I've been to both riots now and there will be no way on earth that I am going to miss the 3rd.   As a matter of fact, the photo above was shot around 2am in the middle of the Desert in Niland, California at a closed down pre WWII military base known as Slab City.  Slab City is also known as the LAST FREE PLACE IN AMERICA.  There is no electricity, there is no running water, there is no law and no law enforcement presence, well that is until we arrive!  Then the presence of the law goes through the roof!

I remember the first year of the event.  Here we are in the middle of fucking nowhere, a place lost in time and the police are coming out from behind bushes to write tickets to guys rolling around on bikes in the dust for not wearing helmets.  California and their fascination with writing helmet tickets is beyond comparison.  Well I guess it's any way to make a buck these days!  That first SCR was wild to say the least.  After the battle of a life time with my knuck's carb to even make the 300 mile ride we rolled in just moments before the sun set.  It was surreal to say the very least.  I had never seen anything like it.
The photo above was sent to me from a friend last year.  They found it on a California rock station's web site of all places!  There is no way to describe the way the "residents" of The Slabs live.  I swore to God as the sun went down that we would be pulled in to holes in the ground, knocked out and carried away to be turned in to Slab City Winter Stew!  From the moment you pass what is what I understand to be the only building still standing on the property, the old guard shack at the entrance, your mind begins to stop and refresh, stop and refresh because you just can't believe what you have just seen.  Once past the guard gate, the first thing you see is Salvation Mountain and it will blow you away.
Imagine coming up on a hand painted mountain?  A mountain covered with paint, stucco and caulk.  There truly is no way to describe this.  Some spots, you can actually walk in and through the mountain. 

As the night progressed and the cops kept coming in to the party and believe me, they never came alone, people began busting their balls pretty bad.  Finally somebody asked them "how come you have to come here to harass us"?  The cops response stunned me!  "We are not here to harass you guys, we are here to protect you guys from the "residents" was the cops response.  All I could think was, what the fuck did he just say?  As night fell and darkness arrived, once you stepped only feet away from the fire, you found yourself literally standing in nothing but blackness!  Pure and total black out!  My buddy Adam called me and asked, "dude, where the fuck are you"?  My only answer was, "I'm standing at the intersection of raped and killed"!  COME AND GET ME! 

Last year, the event had doubled, if not tripled in size and that intersection that I once stood at was now smack in the middle of this makeshift lunatic campground.  It was easy to tell where you were with the lights that were installed so that you could see better.  Lights you may ask?  Yes, the guests of Slab City who forgot to bring flashlights simply lit a car on fire to provide better auxiliary lighting and ambiance!

By the fourth time that the fire department and the police arrived to put the fire out, all I could think of was "well, that is the end of the Slab City Riot"!  Yet here I am, watching weather forecasts, figuring out what to bring, which bike to ride and what can I bring to burn for warmth this year because just as it was the first year, it is going to be cold as a witches tit again.  I don't care so much about that because I have gear for that, after all, I'm from Jersey.  My problem will be in finding that gear!  Even though I have the Road Glide now, I'm pretty sure that I am going to ride the FXR.  I have the ability to carry more shit that way and something tells me that I am going to need it this year! 

The first Riot, I had spoken to friends that were riding out there with me about what to bring.  I was trying to figure out what to pack.  When you ride a 47' Knuck Chop, you don't have room to carry much.  I was trying to figure out how to do the bed roll and the tent and they laughed at me.  Tent?  A fucking tent?  We are going hard core man, bed rolls and that's it!  Well as I lay on the ground on my bedroll getting as close as I possibly could to the massive fire that we built, I looked around at each and every single person that I rode there with as they set up their tents!  MOTHER FUCKER!  Everyone but Brother Adam and I were in tents.... what happened to the Old School Chopper rules? 

There were two things that I found myself worries about that first night!  First and foremost, I was worried that I would awake and find my Knucklehead gone!  Second, I was worried that I would awake and find myself floating in a cauldron and being stirred by a big stick!  The only answer I could think of was my old tried and true, handcuff my leg to the bike.  This way they would have to take us both!

The temps had dropped in to the low 40's and were accompanied by up to 60 mph wind gusts if my memory serves me correctly.  We ended up having the biggest and longest burning fire at all of the Slab and I lay down right next to it.  It was so warm and so lovely and I hate to sleep with clothes on.  So as I laid in my bedroll, I stripped full on naked.  I was the like the cheese in a grilled cheese.  Warm and toasty on the outside and gooey and melting on the inside.  That is until the flames died down and turned to coals.  Around 5 am, all of the Jack Daniels had caught up to me and I had to piss so bad that it was like having a knife stuck in the kidney.  As I opened up the tiniest crack in my roll, the air whipped in and my balls instantly shrivelled up to raisins.  OH MY GOD!  What do I do?  So I grabbed my knife, licked my thumb and stuck it in the air to check the wind.  I dig a hole with my knife and check the grade of the land by pouring a bit of water.  Rolling away from my bedroll, thank God.  I put my dick through the opening in my bed roll and pissed straight out of it!  I must have pissed for two minutes non stop and the horror of the thought that what happens when the hole fills?  Luckily, it never happened!

So for Slab 2, I borrowed a bagger from my buddy and I got some pay back!  As the temps rose throughout the day, people kept taking off layers of clothes and asking if they could put shit in my bags.  Uhm, nope, sorry, no room, they are all full!  You got it!  Not only did I bring a tent, I brought a temperpedic pillow, I brought an air mattress, I brought some food, some water, change of clothes, flash lights, tools and a sleeping bag.  Hell, if the place had running water I would have brought a blow up pool with me and used my battery operated pump to blow bubbles in it and make a jacuzzi! 

So over the last few days, I've gotten a bunch of messages about what people need to bring with them.  Let me say this.... find a way to hold your tent down with something other than with tent stakes.  I bent 24 of them trying to bang them in to the ground!  Bring water, bring whatever you think you may need.  Not only is there nothing on property, but the only thing I believe within a few miles is a bar.  Other than that, it is easily a twenty mile ride to anything else.  If you are coming from AZ and you are planning on going out via the I 10, and you are on a chopper or a sporty, BRING A GAS CAN!  My suggestion would be get to Gila Bend and take the 8!  It's going to be down in the 40's at night there this year and highs only in the 60's during the day so be prepared for that. 

If you are heading to the Slabs, I'll see you there.  I don't want to hear on Monday we are back home, that you saw me but didn't want to bother me and come up and say hello.  You better fucking come up and introduce yourself.  Everyone be safe, have a great ride, bring what you need and I look forward to seeing you at the Slabs!  Oh yeah, make sure you bring your camera, you are not going to want to miss this shit!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

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