It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Saturday, June 11, 2011


Yes that is my pool!  I can't believe that it is now filling with water.  Another thing that I can't believe is that I am about to say it's been a pretty damn good day!  Very rarely do I ever find myself saying that any more it seems.  You know what?  It feels pretty damn good to say!  On the flip side of the coin, it feels pretty damn strange to say as well!  It was hard to come up with the scratch to get this thing fixed up and done right, but the thought of having Diane spend another summer in Phoenix without being able to cool her body down in the pool was too much for me to cope with!  We pulled off some magic and scraped together the money over time and like I said, that shit is slowly filling up!  They did a real nice job on it too I might add!
So now my day is going pretty damn good so far and that usually means that some one or some thing is about to come along and fuck it all up, but good!  Almost as if my thoughts had the power to make things happen, at the very moment that I finished the above thought, I heard the door bell ring.  Oh shit!  If it is any body that we know, then they know enough to more or less just walk right in!  The only people who ring my doorbell are the Sheriff's Department or Court Officer coming to serve me with something or the Mail Man bringing me another envelope filled with horrible news!  I could feel the enthusiasm quickly draining as I walked towards the door to answer it!  I first peeked around the corner to make sure that there was not a PRISONER TRANSPORT UNIT or Police Car parked in front of the house, there WAS NOT!  I walked over to the door and put my eye up to the peep hole and sure as shit, standing on the other side was the damn Mail Man!  I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!  My day is about to be ruined!  Then I remembered, I am waiting on a package, it was supposed to be here yesterday, maybe this is good news!  I opened the door and the first thing the Mail Man said was, sorry about this!  OH SHIT!  What he meant was sorry about getting the dogs all worked up, not sorry for what he was about to deliver.  IT WAS MY PACKAGE!  I said "thanks man" and ran in the house like a pack rat who just found something really shiny for my nest!  I grabbed a knife from the kitchen drawer and cut that bitch open.  What caught my interest immediately was that what I was expecting could have been put in a really tiny box and this one was a pretty damn good size!  I have to tell you that my face lit up when I pulled open the top!  Not only was it what I expected, but it was so much more.... SO NOW, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WAS IN THE BOX?  I bet you do!  Well, your old pal Jack Shit is about to not only tell ya, but is about to show you!  I'll give you a hint, the name on the return address was K.Y.O.D.T.!  You guys know what that is?  KILL YOURSELF OR DIE TRYING! 
Here are the first things I found when I opened up the box!
The very first thing I found were five bad ass drink coozies!  On a side note, who invented these damn things and why in the holy hell fire fuck would they be called COOZIES?  I have heard of vaginas being called cooze but I see no comparison here?  Well scratch that for a moment there, many years ago I did run across a lovely lady in a bar one night and I would say that the size of the diamater of the opening of each was quite similar!  So maybe the inventor of these things ran in to the very same woman as I did and her "open twattedness" inspired him to create this life changing invention!  So what else was in the box?
IS THAT NOT THE SICKEST THING EVER?  Do you get it?  Bringing out the kid in you?  Coat hanger?  Think about it for a moment and get back to me when it comes to you.  But wait, that is not all, yes, there is more!

Can I get a hell yeah?  This is one kick ass looking shirt and it really looks even cooler in person!  Now where are you with the first shirt?  Figure it out yet?  Not only did my buddy send it to me in full color, but he also sent it this way too.

.... just because there are times when a black t'shirt  is just not appropriate and a classy white one is much more in order!  As you can see here it really jumps out at you on white!  But what if you want to wear your black shirt and it has the full color print and you are going to hang out with some one who is color blind?  You are right, you would be screwed and you just might offend that very friend!  Well being the thoughtful and considerate, amazing humanitarian that he is, he also sent me this.

See what I mean about this guy?  I mean hell, he has got to be in the running for a Nobel Peace Prize in the category of sensitivity!  So now I have the 5 coozies and I know you may be wondering why 5 and not 6?  Well it has always been said that I am one beer short of a six pack and as it turns out, it is correct.  I have a bunch of post cards to share with my friends so they know where they can get super sensitive shirts like these above but all this excitement over a few cool t's and some cooze?  Uhm, sorry, coozies?  NO!  This is what I have been waiting for and why I was so excited when the package arrived.  It was my, one and only, only one like it on earth, full blown custom designed, custom fitted, structurally supportive, personal sensitivity declaration making statement of my very own!  Want to see it?  Well here you go!

I BELIEVE THAT THIS QUALIFIES FOR A FULL BLOWN "FUCK YEAH"! How bad ass is that bitch?  This is so that the entire world knows just how sensitive I am!  This belt was made by KILL YOURSELF OR DIE TRYING and is one of the coolest things that I have ever seen!  I could not be even the slightest bit happier than I am with the finished product!  Not only does K.Y.O.D.T. make sick shit like this, but they make guitar straps and dog collars and straps for fireman's radios that are just mind blowing.  You have to check these fine folks out because this is made by hand in America by real deal bikers for real deal bikers!  What could possibly be better than that?  Go to KYODT.COM and take a look at what they make.  There is an endless array of choices in colors, lettering and sizes and on and on.
Just to show you what it looks like when you have a PRETTY DAMN GOOD day, check out this last pic and look at the smile on my face!  This package made my day today!  If you look closely at my head, you will see the last thing that I found in the box.  You guessed it, they even sent me this kick ass skully!  No bullshit, it is the best fitting skull cap that I have ever worn.  If you look you can see that you don't get those stupid POINTS that pop up on top of your head when you wear these kind of hats.  I love it!  I want to give a very special thanks to Boner Pants LaRouche, a REAL DOUCHE`!  As a matter of fact, I will take this time to say from the bottom of my heart, SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL DOUCHE`!  Richard Monk, you are a man amongst men, a king amongst kings, a Douche` amongst Douches! 

So like I said, it's been aPRETTY DAMN GOOD day and we are going to end it up with our great friends Charlie the Nomad and Ms. Jill coming over to check out our pool and maybe go real hardcore biker and have some vanilla ice cream.  That's right, don't be a hater!  WE ARE HAVING ICE CREAM!  I haven't gotten to see the Nomad in what seems like months and once again he is about to take off on that madness that is known to a few around the world, but known to most in our community as THE STAMPEDE!  Please, go check out my friends at and tell them that your friend Jack Shit sent ya!
I'm still trying to figure out what they mean by offensive t'shirts?  Speaking of offensive, did you figure out what that first shirt was about?

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit


  1. Hellz yeah I figured it out, but I was born in '64. Back when....uh, never mind, probably preachin' to the choir.

    I dig it by the way, and the damn belt too!

  2. Dear Jack,

    A word of advice, NO WIRE HANGERS.... EVER!

    A Big Fan,
    Mz. Crawford

  3. Don't be silly, Mr. Shit. Of COURSE I figured that one out. It means the very same thing as what's on MY T-Shirt Hell tee....yer simple basic wire hanger with the words "PLAN C" written below it.

    Must admit I'm a bit smitten with that one myself.