It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


I had heard about the legendary Wet T contests at the Dirty Dogg Saloon for months and was both excited and worried at the same time.  I was excited because I knew damn well that we would have a packed house and that is when I do my best work, but worried to death because I knew damn well that I had to take this contest above and beyond what it is on any given Wednesday.  I mean a few beautiful girls, a big tub of water and gorgeous girls pouring it on them, how the hell to you top that? 

Wednesday came and the bar was jam packed all day.  People had come in early and laid claim to their very own real estate and spent the rest of the day defending it!  If you have never experienced a bar that is best described as "asses and elbows" then it is hard to explain.  The cocktail waitresses had long given up on carrying trays and were carrying drinks two at a time with their arms outstretched over the heads of the packed house, it was a zoo and we were still 4 plus hours from the contest going off.  Most bike events host some form of wet t contest and they get a few girls up on stage.  Most of those girls are drunk and that is the only reason they even climbed up on stage.  You get your obligatory "big girls" that make the crowd go crazy.  You know the girls I mean right?  When they take off their bras and get in to that tank top, their nipples point straight down at the ground and they get the crowd all fired up by throwing one titty over their shoulder and putting the other in their mouth!  You get a few girls with good bodies, sadly they have butter faces.  What is a butter face you ask?  Well that is when you look at someone and say wow, everything about her is hot, BUT HER FACE, butter face, get it?  Usually, the Dogg's very own Shelly runs the contest and gets all the girls signed up and it is a huge pain in the ass!  Early on in the day, I offered to take that stress off of her and just let her work and do what it is that she normally does which is hard enough work.  If you are wondering what it is she normally does, here is an example;

She jumped on that opportunity and as she did I wondered, wow, she really let me have that fast, did I just screw myself?  Now this is not just your normal wet t contest, there is big money involved in this shit!  Most places will get the girls up, not tell them what they can win and when they do hand them a $50 bill and say thanks..... NOT AT THE DIRTY DOGG!  We tell the ladies right from the get go, $500 first place $200 second place and $100 third place.  That's what I'm talking about!  With those kind of prizes, I figured that I would have my first 10 girls in 30 seconds right?  WRONG!  There were so many people in the bar that the girls could not even get over to me to sign up and 35 minutes later, I had two girls signed up.  One, the owner had singed up himself!  I was in a panic.  I thought the contest was going to go off with 2 girls and that I would be a complete failure.  I was freaking out to say the least.  I went behind the bar to tell the owner that I had failed him and he just laughed.  It was almost 10pm and I had but 2 girls signed up.  He said, "trust me, you won't have a problem", "the show won't even start till 12:30-1am....".  Oh thank God!  He was right, slowly but surely, the ladies kept finding me in the bar and they were in it to win it!  Because of the reputation of this contest and it's prizes, not only did we get the lovely "girl next door types" but we got the "professional" types as well.  Local dancers and Porn stars!  Now we are rolling.  There are NO MEN allowed ever on the bar at the Dogg, but that was about to change, I would host the contest from atop the bar and I was one proud host!  I like to get right in the mix of all I am involved in but with my wireless mic, I couldn't.  Each time I crossed in front of the speakers I got serious feedback, like a dog trying to cross the wireless fence, I would get a shock on my neck and send me right back to my SPOT!  It was torture!  I had promised that I would only allow 10 girls in the contest, but hell, this was The Dogg and it was Bike Week, I had to allow another 5!  15 lovely ladies all in it to win it, this was going to be one hell of a show and it was.

As you can see, the view from the front of the bar was phenomenal, but my view from atop the bar and 20 feet away was brutal.  I could announce the girls, see them climb on up and get in the tub but once they were in, I could barely see what the hell was going on!  By the reaction from the crowd, men and women alike, I miss missing out on some serious shit!  My bosses said put that mic down and get in there or no one will believe you ever hosted this thing.  I said this is not about me, it's about the people in the crowd, they laughed and said, THERE IS ALREADY A SAINT JOHN!  Now get your ass in there.  By the time I got over and got to pour water on the last entrant there was barely any water even left to pour on anyone, so I had to pour it LONG AND SLOW!  It's a tough job, but sometimes you just have to take one for the team, roll up your sleeves and get in to the mix, so that is what I did!  I took one for the team.  I turned off my mic so not to blow every one's ear drums as I passed in front of the speakers, put it in my back pocket so not to ruin it and slowly walked across the bar which was so soaked it was like walking barefoot on ice.  I had finally answered the call of JACK SHIT, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! 

You can see here how I tentatively approached the situation!

Here I am getting instructions from Shelly on how to pour water properly, thanks Shelly!

Do I not look like the Cat who finally caught the mouse?
You can clearly see that I even wore my white t shirt in case I myself had to enter the contest.  Hey, they all need one obligatory "big person" in them right?  Well luckily, I didn't have to get in it!  We had the guys from Knockout Motorcycles from Mesa come in to guest judge the show but the final verdict of who won was left up to yours truly.  I want everyone to know, that I stayed far away during the judging process and I was not swayed by any of these lovely ladies treacherous moves or wizardry!  We kept it fair and honest.  I based my decision on performance, but mostly kept notes on the crowds reaction and applause and believe me, when you have 14 girls involved in this, it takes a long time to go through and there is a lot of cheering.  I ran my numbers past our guest judges and we all agreed wholeheartedly on the top 3!  Another successful night at the Dogg! 

I want you guys to know, that this does not only take place during Bike Week, this very same contest happens each and every single Wednesday of the year, so get your ass up to the one and only Dirty Dogg Saloon and tell them your friend, Jack Shit sent ya!

I want to give a very special thanks to Julie Red from Photopizazz for capturing all of these amazing shots and believe me, there are so many more.  I just didn't want this post to be a mile long.

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and the Man off your ass!

Until we see each other again on the road, I am, your friend, Jack Shit!


  1. Wish I was there. Looks like a great time. Loved the blog... yet again, well written, funny and I felt like I was in the crowd.

  2. Classic... Love the schtick Schit! :)

  3. Well said jack once again you bring us into the party almost as good as being there.
    keep up the good work, be safe.

  4. I've said it & will say it again Jack, you are livin the life! Looks ruff but dam it someone has to do it!

  5. My comment has nuthing to do with the wet shirt contest.. It has to do with your new opening pic.

    Four chicks on a scale of 1 to 10, there’s two 9’s and one 8. The one on the far right is a 12! Rules are meant to be broken!