It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!



Saturday, January 22, 2011

MORE MOTORCYLE STUPIDITY Try this at home!

So you guys know full well that I am a hardcore chopper guy right?  But there was a time that I too had suffered from Bagger Syndrome.  It is only after a few years of therapy that I am able to admit this openly.  Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for these bikes so those of you who ride them, understand that I am just dicking with you.  The first year the Street Glide came out was just after I moved to AZ. full time.  I was never going to give in and buy one and if I did, it was going to be an old Pan Shovel or something like that.  That is when I started to realize the vast differences between riding out west and riding back east.  For example; back east I would go on a poker run and the entire run would be between 80 - 100 miles total.  100 miles on a rigid Knuck, that ain't shit!  Out west though, I quickly realized that the poker runs out here might be 80 - 100 miles between stops!  Still not a problem on the Knuck but it was beating the shit out of both my ol bike and my ol lady.  I kinda dug the look of the Street Glide and figured it was the least baggery of the baggers available and I got one.  It took me a while to get use to riding it and when no one was around to see or hear me, I even turned the radio on!  YES I DID!  Now both myself and the lil woman were ready for some real road trips, here is the story of one of those trips.  Now as many of you know, I tell some pretty wild stories and quite often people would say no way or come on man, it didn't happen like that.... so I began to document these stories with photos!  So here we go.

An old friend had suggested that we jump on the bikes and take the ride out to Las Vegas.  It would be about 7 hours of riding non stop, a bit longer with fuel and smoke breaks.  Just before we left, my girl decided that she was going to ride in the car with my buddy's wife and teenage son, okay, no sweat.  Now anyone who has ever ridden more than a few hundred miles across the desert knows although beautiful it can get kind of boring.  The problem with being bored at 90mph on a bike means it becomes time for stupid human tricks but you still need to stay with the pack.  The first thing that I had been wondering about was how comfortable was the back seat really while riding?  Since there was no way to try this out without riding bitch I had to figure out another way..... ah yes, throttle lock!

..... and you know what?  The wife was right, the back seat truly was comfy.  I rode this way for nearly 20 miles and just steered the bike with my eyes and my ass.  Sadly the only pic captured that hasn't been lost to computer crashes is this one.  Now my wife absolutely hates when I fuck around while riding but like I said it was a long and really hot ride and I was getting punch drunk.  Every now and again they would come pulling up in the car next to us and snap a pic or two.  So naturally, being an attentive husband I felt that she needed my undivided attention, so I rode the next 15 miles this way;

needless to say once again she was not happy about my antics, what else is new?  So we got through the Joshua Trees, stopped in Kingman for a smoke and a Red Bull and we hit the road again.  Well we hit the road again after a long talk about me riding like an asshole at such high speeds.  Well the high speeds part I completely understood because the pack was runnin at nearly a non stop 90+.   The kicker was that everyone was right, these bikes really are comfortable.  So comfortable in fact that I had to pull what I call the 100 mph LAZY BOY!  It's an easy move, and like it's name, you just lay back like you are in a lazy boy chair and relax.  I have to tell you, it's damn comfy!

I could see the look of absolute disgust on her face and the out stretched arm giving me the finger for not listening to her was a dead give away that she was less than happy with my riding.  Well as you guys know, I live to make people smile and the woman I love was not at all happy and she hadn't smiled since I told her that I would behave leaving Kingman.  I know how to make her smile, hell, I know how to make everyone that I am with smile.  I will simply do a trick that no one can resist!  I will show you with the pics to follow the process for bringing a smile to your friends and family's face.  One note here that you should take into consideration and I did not, don't wear button fly pants when you do this trick, it makes it much more difficult in the "dis-mount" process.



Begin by unbuttoning your pants, again, if you plan to do this, wear normal jeans, button-fly makes it more difficult and more time consuming.  So now I am riding down the highway or I should say rather, flying down the highway and I am taking my pants off.  The chase car is behind me as well as the other bikes, they will all get a big kick out of this right?  My plan was to get my pants down and stand up on the seat and free ball and bare ass my way down the freeway.  Problem one, can't get one leg out of pants because of boots, problem two, once your pants are down it's difficult to stand on the seat.  Just picture when you are sitting on the toilet and your pants are at your ankles, you really can't move well, now picture that on a bike!
Okay, got the pants down and that wasn't easy, next step is to stand up and share an early fall moon with my dear friends.  I know they will enjoy this!

Now that's some funny shit right?  Here is the kicker to the whole thing.  My friends car was a black Nissan Altima and while pulling off this stupidity I watched the car in the mirror.  I was surprised that they were keeping up with us so well.  Imagine my surprise when I looked to the lane next to me to see my friends car there?  Now I am confused, who is in the car behind me?  Two old couples!  I thought I was mooning my friends and in-fact they were next to me the whole time and it was old people behind me the whole time.  Oh shit!  So now I am laughing, this is some funny shit right?  I am looking at my boys, my friends next to me and at the old people behind me.  The one and only thing that I am not paying attention to is the road or the traffic in front of me.  When I do finally decide to look straight ahead I see traffic coming to a rapid stop, flashing lights of every color available and I have my pants down!  Now it's easy to do these stupid human tricks at higher speeds, but not so easy to put your pants back on as you are hard braking so not to smash into everyone in front of you as you realize that the lane you "were" in is now ground down to just grooves and the lane is 8 feet to the right.  As I frantically try to pull my pants back on before I get to the virtual POLICE ROAD BLOCK AHEAD and not crash out the bike I see my wife's face looking at me and I know the look!  It's that look like, the first thing she wants to do is get a quicky divorce once we get to Vegas!  I have to say that it was a big hit.  Here are two photos of my buddy who was riding behind me, in front of the old people's car.  I think the expression of shock on his face in the first pic is good but the tongue hanging out in the second is even better.


Needless to say, I didn't crash out, the cops didn't nail me and instead of rushing to get a quicky divorce my wife decided that I had learned my lesson and partying all weekend at Hogs and Heifers would be a better course of action.
SEE YOU SOMEWHERE ON THE ROAD
AND REMEMBER
THAT ASSHOLE YOU SEE ON THE BIKE IN FRONT
OF YOU, JUST MAY BE YOUR FRIEND
JACKSHIT!


9 comments:

  1. Loved the story. The way you described your wife's expressions I could actually feel her anger at you..lol and you described the process of getting your pants down perfectly. It truly took me through the process and not only did I understand the dilemma, I was actually worried how it was going to pan out. Great stuff. Funny stuff.
    And you are lucky to have a woman that loves you no matter what.
    I will enjoy reading your blog.

    Meg

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  2. I have often wondered just how easily I could pull that off while riding my Glide on these prairie roads I ride in Alberta. That bike is a dream to handle and I prone to quite easily daydream. The only thing I totally disagree with you about is how comfy the passenger seat is. I have only ever ridden twice as a passenger once when I was a young girl and believe me my last adventure (300+ miles in May 2010 to pick up my Glide). By the time we got to Great Falls, MT from Calgary , Alberta I was standing on the footpegs because my ass hurt so bad. It took months for the pain to go away...
    If I ever do get brave enough to try it and someone taking pictures I will be sure to send one your way.....
    Ride Safe and enjoy every moment!!!

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  3. thank you for the comments and the nice words. Ryllie, take a look at my red knucklehead and look at that seat, then you will see why I thought this one was so comfy. Again thank you for the comments. Make sure you tell your friends about the blog and let's try and grow this thing.

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  4. it would have been a great story to tell ya know, but there is always that guy in the back that thinks you are full shit, so I have been forced to document the insanity! And everyone go to George's art show or another polar bear will drown

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  5. thank you guys so much. I have so many stories like this to share it is ridiculous... I am so glad you all enjoy them and I'm not just nuts!

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  6. This is the first time I have visited your blog. Hilarious story well written! I too am an old bike lover (as much as my budget will allow) and I gotta' say, your knuck is sweet. Now I guess I'll have to spend some reading your older posts.

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  7. Yo my nig! (see what happens when ya live in The Bowels too long?) Enuff with the comment approval SHIT (and do ya like how I snatched yer word rite out from under ya already?) in yer blog. I mean REALLY...didn't ya ever hear about FREE SPEECH for crissake? :-)

    P.S. - Just bustin' 'em, darlin'. Just doin' what I do BEST!

    Wellllll, make that 2nd best ;-)

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