It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Thursday, September 20, 2012


Well we are sorry sir, it's just that you were picked randomly to receive this drug test.  Well sir, we are sorry but you have been randomly selected for the physical pat down from one of our obviously qualified TSA Agents, we regret to inform you sir, but you were randomly picked from this line of traffic for a routine motor vehicle inspection.  I've long believed that there was nothing truly "random" about any of these situations and more yet I always seem to find myself in them.  If you used the same equation, the same mathematical formula that I get selected for these other things then one would have to believe that I would also have the same odds of "randomly" winning a 50/50, a scratch off lottery ticket, a pull of the slot machine's arm or even so much as a God damned door prize at a charity event but I NEVER, EVER get randomly selected for those.  I have to admit, it is pissing me off!

This last month, I went to the doctor, the same doctor that I've been seeing for more than 8 years and I walk in the door and put a urine collection cup on the counter.  I knew the answer, but I had to ask, "what's that for"?  Well sir, you've been randomly selected by our computer for drug testing.  It is amazing how damn near every single month, I'm "randomly" selected.  You would think after 8 years of passing these fucking tests for them they would just realize that I'm not ON DRUGS!  Not only that, but I took a monster piss just prior to leaving my house and it would be hours before I'd ever have to go again, I was not going to wait hours in the doctor's office to take a piss and I flipped the hell out!  I let in to the girl, a girl I'd never seen before at this office and tore her a new asshole and it didn't phase her in one bit, she just handed me the cup!  Diane was laughing her ass off and at the same time begging me to quiet down.  I bitched in the lobby, at the desk, on the scale for the official weigh in (like I'm going in to a prize fight), while getting my blood pressure taken and even boiling mad, just so you guys don't worry about me, it was still good and finally when the person in charge walked in.  I just pissed and moaned, ranted and raved about screw this and enough of that and I didn't see the old lady get handed a "random" cup etc etc.

Today had to be the topper of it all though.  We had to run up to Peoria to show a friend a home that he and his wife were considering purchasing.  I noticed something stuck to the top of my robo garbage can.  I knew we were running late as we had to meet an appraiser as well, but I had to see what the hell was taped to my can.  THIS WAS TAPED TO MY CAN!

Just in case you find it difficult to read, I've taken another photo a bit closer so that you don't have to squint.  This was the part that just made me shake my head and all I could think was "are you fucking kidding me"?
If things aren't bad enough with every other thing that I'm "randomly" selected for, this has to be the very best of all of them.  Really?  You just happened to pick my garbage can to randomly inspect?  It's not because of the bikes constantly parked at the house or the scumbags I consider to be dear friends that lurk outside smoking the occasional cigarette that drew your attention?  Did they think that the by products from my meth lab were just placed on the top of my garbage can, above the old copies of Diane's People Magazine?  I assume that someone walking by on their way to school or walking their dog was drinking a can of coke and as they passed, lifted the lid and threw it in.  One would have thought that I was throwing away depleted uranium waste.  I was also informed that although I was "not in compliance" with the established regulations, this would only serve as a warning.  So now I guess MORE "random" garbage can inspections are heading my way to make sure "I'm in compliance"!  This is what we've become?  Peeking in our neighbors garbage cans?  Do I have to take my garbage to the curb and then before the truck picks it up, do a self inspection to make sure that no "non compliant" trash has found its way in to my friggin can? 

Soldiers are dying, kids go hungry, 43 million Americans are now on food stamps, the economy is in the toilet and we are still at around 9% nationally in unemployment but the GARBAGE CAN INSPECTORS are gainfully employed and don't worry folks, they are here to protect us from ourselves, whether we like it or not!  I can't begin to put in to words just how fucking sick and tired I am of all of this ridiculous bullshit!  I really have had about all one can take.  I am done, revolution is calling and next week, I WILL MAKE MY STAND and I will throw two Coke cans in!  As I type this, Forrest Gump is once again playing on tv in the background and all I can think is how much better off we'd all be with him holding the positions some of these other fools hold!  These are just magical times we are living in my friends.  Enjoy them before you are "randomly" selected for something you can't stand too!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ASS and out of your garbage cans!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit


  1. Being randomly surprised is not a happy thing for me either. But i also think that if that guy, or those peeps checking random shit weren't checking, they would be out of a job too. Now profiling garbage cans because of bikes parked? They need a better excuse.

  2. Man that is some funny stuff! Funny cause the same kind of shit happens to me-ALL THE TIME! When I tell stories they are so off the wall that no one believes that could REALLY happen but indeed it does. Guess some of us are just "randomly" selected for the bullshit..... You should write a book- it'd be one funny mother..