It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Like A Tumor On the Balls of Society, I'm Back!

Jack's back bitches!  You can now stop the hate mail, the death threats and the go fuck yourself messages!  I won't abandon you again!  As you can see by the above photo, I've been a busy guy lately.  I just noticed that the very last post I made here was on April 8th and the posts prior to that were quite simply put, "dog shit!"  I didn't want the blog to just die and I was crazy busy with work and taking care of my girl so I just put up some pics, vids and random bullshit.  Those of you who have followed my writings and my life know pretty well that my angel of a wife suffers from Multiple Sclerosis and those of you who didn't know, now do.  Back in March while hosting Daytona Bike week at the Broken Spoke, Diane fell pretty ill.  Upon my return home, we immediately went to the neurologist to find out what the hell happened and he had no answers.  He gave us a list of specialists that SHE HAD TO SEE as soon as possible.  This should not be so difficult to achieve right?  WRONG!  We now pay $661 per month for insurance for Diane only and since March, the insurance company has yet to approve her visits to these doctors and it is an absolute disgrace!  I'm happy to report that her symptoms have lessened but many still lurk around these days, so we have just learned to expect the worst and pray for the best.  I'll keep you posted if and when these sick fucks allow her to actually see the doctors or allow her to have the tests that she desperately needs. As much as all this sucked the life out of me and threw a wet towel on the week, Daytona was a huge success for both myself and the Broken Spoke.  The numbers were through the roof and I was blessed to have so many people that I love come down and support me there.  I always say that the best part of what I do is getting to finally meet all of you amazing people from around the world who show up at The Spoke, a great many of you wearing your I know Jack Shit shirts.  I can't begin to describe the joy this brings me.
 The lovely lady you see in the photo above was from a small town in France and that was her old man behind us.  By the time she left The Spoke, which I might add, she was at every single day, she spoke two phrases in English, I LOVE AMERICA & I KNOW JACK SHIT!
 The Broken Spoke Saloon's own fire breathing bartender Joe Morton.  He never ceases to light up the crowd and make them go nuts!  This is one bad ass bartender and I'm proud to call him a friend.
 I had not seen these two since high school and all of a sudden they come walking up the driveway of The Spoke.  Another couple who once they arrived virtually never left.  For days, I had not eaten shit until Johnny showed up with all kinds of home made Italian Food.  I ate for days after that!
 You meet the most amazing people at The Broken Spoke.  I would share what this women does but I'm not sure it is really for me to say.  I know she reads the blog, so if you see this pic, feel free to comment on this one for everyone if you so choose.
 Truly some of the finest ladies to ever throw a leg over a bike!  The work they do is much needed in this lifestyle that we have chosen.  Thank you so very much for always supporting me at work!
 This was a proud moment for me.  These guys are combat engineers and they are the survivors of one of the worst terrorist attacks since the war in Afghanistan began and when they got home, they came damn near straight to The Broken Spoke.  We were honored to serve them, as they have served all of us!
 If you know anything about the bike community then you know everyone in this pic!  This was by far, the best night of the rally for me as so many people I love came to hang out!
 Rocking her replacement Jack Shit shirt after someone stole her other one!  Love these ladies!
 Friends old and new all came to hang with me.  You've got to love it.  True friendship recognizes neither time nor distance!

The one and only, Mr. Ricky Lewis of Rick's Cycle Parts spent a few evenings at The Spoke with me.

I've been away from this for so long now that the entire format on blogger has changed and I had to figure out how to even work this damn thing again.   Immediately after Daytona, I returned home to AZ and hosted Arizona Bike Week at the one and only Dirty Dogg Saloon in Scottsdale.  I also had the great pleasure of hosting the kick off party for AZ Bike Week at the all new HD of Scottsdale with a free concert from Brett Michaels.  I've got to admit that it didn't suck at all and in fact, although I had great plans to dislike the man, I found it impossible as he turned out to be one hell of a nice guy.  If I've told you about this already, I'm sorry but I can't remember the last thing I wrote about.
After that, I had both the horror and the privilege of writing the 15th anniversary feature for Cycle Source Magazine and I have to honestly admit that it was the most difficult piece that I've ever written as it was a big stretch from my "fire side story telling style" as it's been come to be known as.  Each and every night, I called up Chris Callen, the man behind the magazine who is in Pa., a three hour time difference and we stayed on the phone and Skype all night and he shared the entire history of the mag.  What a story it was and I was honored to have been chosen to write the tale!  If you have not had the chance to read it, grab a friends copy or reach out to Cycle Source and subscribe and I give you my word, you won't regret it.  Here is a shot of the cover of this historic issue.
In the down time that I've had very little of, I managed to get in some riding, very little work done on any of the bikes but that will be remedied soon and I've done very little writing.  What I have done is spend some much overdue time with the woman that I love.  I've still been doing events but just one off shows and events.  I got to host the anniversary of the Dirty Dogg Saloon and also the first Friday rides from HD of Scottsdale to the Dogg to party and pick the future Calender Girls for Go AZ Motorcycles, so I assure you, I am not complaining.  I also had the good fortune thanks to my friend Ron Starrantino, to spend an evening with Dee Snider!  I've got to tell you that this guy is nothing but class and was another example of the furthest thing from what I expected.  I have yet to figure out how to write the interview as it went for nearly 40 minutes.  Luckily for me, I video'd the entire interview.

For the record, it is one hell of a good read and written in a brutally honest way!  Pick this book up! 

The weeks seem to fly by and I really have no idea where the time goes.  In what seemed like the blink of an eye, I was off on a plane for my first ever trip to Laconia and the 89th anniversary of the rally there!  When I arrived, I learned to my horror that each and everything that I do to entertain rally goers was 100% illegal in New Hampshire.  For the record, that whole "Live Free Or Die" bullshit they are so proud to proclaim has got to be the biggest crock of shit that I've ever seen or heard in my 43 years!  I have never seen a more screwed up place, with more screwed up laws, EVER and that is a big statement!  I also made the huge mistake prior to Laconia of listening to the folks at my dentists office.  They assured me that having major oral surgery on the Monday before the rally would in no way affect me by the following Friday when I arrived in New Hampshire.  Along with the Live Free or Die bullshit, this was the second biggest lie I've heard in some time.  I was told that by Friday, I would never even know that I had any work done.  Well it is a month later now and it still hurts.  The real bonus came when a huge piece of broken, jagged tooth that they somehow forgot to remove from under my gum line pushed up and through and sliced in to my tongue each and every time I spoke, drank, ate or took a deep breath.  Since I was on antibiotics, I could not drink to help ease this massive pain.  After a few days, I could not take it any longer.  I drank a shot of Jager, waited 15 minutes, drank another, waited 15 minutes and then went in and got the tooth out.  It felt like I had been electrocuted as it was ripped out of my mouth!  Here, check this fucking thing out.  I had to save it so that I could show the dentist and fight the temptation to kneel on his skull and drag it down his tongue just so he knew what it felt like.

 ..... and just so you know how fucking big this piece of tooth, which I liken to a hunk of broken glass was, I took a pic of it next to something so you can have a perspective on it!  Look how sharp that fucking thing is.  One month later and I'm still using liquid lidocaine on my tongue for the pain.
As I said, Laconia was brutal hard on me.  By the third day, I had contemplated giving up and calling it quits.  There was no way I had the will to go on and nothing was stopping the pain.  That is until Sunday morning.  Allow me to take you on a quick journey.  Now because I had recently had the surgery and the pain was so bad, I was eating pain meds like M&M's.  If you have ever done this, you know the next problem that arises.  YOU CAN'T TAKE A SHIT TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!  Pain meds and constipation go hand in hand.  Finally, 6 days after surgery, totally exhausted, I'm sitting on the nasty ass toilet in our 100+ year old cabin.  I'm all alone and I feel like I'm about to pull an Elvis on the bowl and drop dead from trying to take a dump.  SPLASH!  The first tiny turd exits with a sigh of relief!  Then the second golf ball drops out!  Thank God!  All the while as this is going on, Diane is on the phone asking me a million questions about where I'm staying, how I'm feeling etc.  Finally I ask if it would be okay if I called her back as I am about to burst a vein in my brain trying to pull off this dump.  Sure she says, call me later.  The wrestling match continues and now I'm in a cage match to the death, me and my asshole in an epic battle!  I'm fighting and slowly but surely, I can feel an actual full length turd making its way to the emergency exit.  Oh yes, here it comes, it's leaving the body, it's halfway out and all of a sudden, I hear the cabin door open.  I am alone there so I have the bathroom door wide open.  I put down my copy of Cycle Source and think about leaping for the door but I have a piece of shit hangin out of my ass!  With that, I hear boots walking across the floor towards me.  That is the moment that I realized that I am being robbed and I am probably going to be murdered while sitting on the bowl trying to take a long over due dump!  As I somehow manage to such this turd back up in to my now clenching asshole, I see Diane standing in the doorway to the bathroom and it takes a few good long moments for it to sink in.  DIANE IS IN LACONIA!  She flew through the day to get to Boston, then drove through the night to get to Laconia and here she stands.  I am thrilled to see her but crushed that I have now lost this magical road block turd that had been making my life a living hell!  We are a couple who prides ourselves on surprising people with nice gestures and I could not even begin to fathom how to receive a surprise so great!  As it turns out, she had already been to The Spoke and was given an incredibly warm welcome.  I think that a great many people just thought that I was delusional and that Diane was just someone that I made up as no one had ever met her before!  Now they know I'm delusional but she does exist!
Those of you who know me, know that I never, ever sit while I'm working an event!  I know that if I sit, my body will think the day is over and I'll never be able to get back up.  On this rare occasion that Diane made an appearance, I had to take a break and spend some time with her.  This is one of the shiny moments of the rally for me.   My buddy, our bartender Joe, sort of snuck up on us, laid down in the grass and began snapping away as Diane and I just chilled out in front of The Spoke. 

When it came time for Diane to leave, we were all a bit upset.  The one and only Jasmine Cain was so upset that we had to hold her up to keep her from collapsing from the grief!  Well it was either that or Diane and I were trying to have our way with her..... YOU DECIDE!

Laconia was so massive for us at The Spoke that on two separate occasions we sold Budweiser out of Bud Light!  At the end of the rally, the final count of empty liquor bottles was just shy of 1900.  Those are liquor bottles, not beer bottles!  An amazing feet of drinking in a place that makes it quite difficult to drink!
 Although I was thrilled to see Diane, no one gets off easy, so we immediately put her to work!
 This was the crowd damn near each and every single night!  It was an insane, non stop rally!
 This is Laura, we call her our little Spider Monkey!  Non stop ball of insane energy.
 Nothing is quite as much fun as riding the bull.  Okay, riding the bull with 4 girls is more fun!
 Probably the first time that I've ever had to read a rib cage!
 The one and only Ms. Jasmine Cain.  Captured by my friend Rick Gerrity.

To make a long few months a bit shorter on you fine folks, I'll tell you briefly what came next.  I flew home to Az. to be home with Diane for her shot night.  It was a blessing that I was there because for the first time in a long time, she had a horrible one!  The next day was hellish as well and then by the following day I was on a plane for Pittsburgh and then in a rental car off to Johnstown, Pa..  Although the rally there was a great success for us at The Spoke and I believe for the promoters, I have to admit it was really very strange.  I had the pleasure of meeting some amazing people but sadly I met some REAL MOTHERFUCKERS as well.  I will never understand why people have to be so angry and so friggin rude to others.  I hope that it was just because we were strangers in town and next year they know in advance that we are not there to screw up their party but only give it a good ol' kick in the ass!  On one very special note, I did get to host my first ever Rat's Hole Custom Bike Show and that was a huge highlight for me.
A second major smile creator for me in Johnstown was brought to me by Budweiser.  No it did not come in the way of free beer, it was much greater than that.  Our entire staff had the great honor of sitting atop the Budweiser wagon while hooked up to the Clydesdales.  C'mon now, you have to admit, if you have ever been a Bud guy, you have had the fantasy of this!  Even Brewer the Bud Dog got pretty friendly with your old pal Jack Shit and I even scored a big wet sloppy kiss too.

While I was hanging out waiting to interview Dee Snider I also had the pleasure of meeting this dude named Star.  We were all just sitting around and bullshitting when we were introduced.  He told me that he has a shop out in California.  I laughed and told him that I had been there quite a few times in the last year but that Diane was pissed at me for it.  He asked why, so I told him the reason.  Diane loves the show Sons of Anarchy and each time I leave to go to California, she tells me "don't come home if you don't get on that show!"  We just laugh and I ride away.  So as I'm telling him this story, he laughs and says "hell man, you want to be on the show, you are on it" and walks away.  I'm thinking yeah okay man......  sure thing, I'll pack up for my trip out there when I get home!  My buddy Ron says, do you know who you were just talking to?  I said yeah, I was talking to Star.  Then he asked, "you know he is the casting director on Sons of Anarchy right?"  Uhm, NO, I DIDN'T!  So you have got to be wondering what happened right?  Did I get my chance to be on the show?  Yes I did, as a matter of fact I got two chances to be on SOA.  The first chance that I got I was off in Laconia, the second chance that I got I was off in Johnstown, Pa., so I never got to be on the show, oh well, there is always next season!

I just now returned from Orange County, California and Born Free 4 and it was nothing short of spectacular!  These guys are on to something amazing.  Once again I did the ride out before 5 am while the sun was down with a few additions to the normal crew!  As always, FXR's were a plenty.  There was only one notable difference that was unlike any of these trips before and that was that this time, Diane was with me!  We had one hell of a good weekend, saw so many people that I only get to rarely see and watched a well put together event etch its way in to the ranks of the greatest bike shows ever!  Have you ever seen a water cooled Knucklehead engine?  Have you ever seen one in a bike?  Have you ever seen two in the same place?  No?  Well I did and I was damn near speechless!

In the end, we stayed at the very same place we stayed last year.  The very place that treated us so well and earned our business again.  Here is the wrench in the spokes..... we were treated like dog shit on a shoe.  I can not get over the disgraceful way the people at Irvine Lake Campground treated the 10 of us who chose to come back again.  I can assure you, this will be the last visit to this fucking joint!

So there you have it, I'm sure that I have left out a ton of stuff over these last few months but I tried to play catch up as fast as possible.  Again I'm sorry that I dropped off the face of the earth for a bit there but hey, REAL LIFE HAPPENS every now and again and you have to go out and live it.

Next stop, THE STURGIS MOTORCYCLE RALLY and once again I'll be hosting the event at the World Famous Broken Spoke Saloon, come on up and party with me!  I can guarantee you that this is going to be one hell of a year!  Keep an eye out for a very special offer coming your way from The Spoke for those of you who have not yet booked!

Until we see each other again,
Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

No comments:

Post a Comment