I CAN CHECK THIS ONE RIGHT OFF MY BUCKET LIST! NEXT ITEM PLEASE!

THIS POST HAS CHANGED SLIGHTLY FROM ITS ORIGINAL FORM AS FOR SOME REASON, AN ENTIRE PARAGRAPH HAS DISAPPEARED SOMEHOW.  I TOLD YOU I NEVER READ THIS SHIT, I JUST CLICK PUBLISH POST!

Quite simply, I'm not a man with big hopes or grandiose dreams.  There are very few things that I hope and pray for.  Mostly, if I'm having a one on one with the big man up in the stars, I just ask for him to make Diane's burden less!  I do however still have a list of things that I'd like to do before I die, that's not so selfish right?  I don't announce to the world what those things are because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me if I don't achieve them.  I'll stick with only Diane feeling sorry for me each time that I pull my pants down.  Well, I guess that may be the only time she feels sorry for herself as well.  This past weekend, I got to take my big fat imaginary sharpie and cross an item right off of my mental bucket list.  I would actually write it down on paper but I'd be afraid someone would find it and it would be evidence enough to show intent and I would be locked up forever, so for now, it stays locked up in the only place that I can stay out of trouble, in my mind!

A few weeks ago, I had toyed with the idea of making this item happen but as our luck and our life would happen, we got nailed with a few unexpected expenses and they were each close to a grand.   By the grace of God, we had the funds on hand to cover them but it wiped us out of "screw around" money.  Hell, this one almost took us back to Ramen Noodles for a few days, luckily it did not.  A few dinner invitations and a little fasting and we made it through!  It looked like it wasn't going to happen and I was okay with that.  It's not like I had hard plans and after all, it's not called a bucket list item for nothing, right?  There is always next year!  It is an annual event and if the world does not come to a crashing halt on 12/21/12, then the odds are good that this event will still continue.  It was only a few days out when I got the call from a friend....  "hey man, I was thinking bout having GTP come up to Milwaukee to shoot some pics and paint a portrait of me and my brothers before I leave the country".  Part of me was instantly a little tiny bit jealous but nearly all of me was thrilled for GTP, really, I swear!  I told him that I thought that it was a great idea and that I'm sure he would love the end result.

His next statement hit me smack in the nuts.  He said "why don't you come with him"?  I would love to, of course I would love to.  I'd only been talking about it for A FEW FUCKING YEARS, but I could not, money was far too tight".  "Doesn't George need someone to help him and hold the flash or carry his cameras around or something"?  Well, yes, I do believe he does....  WELL THEN, THAT SETTLES IT, you are coming too, I could use the extra Sky Miles!  I sat stunned.  I tried, I honestly tried to talk him out of it.  I am really great at being a giver, I love it but I am really bad at receiving gifts and the more generous they are, the harder it is for me to take!  No for an answer was not going to be taken, I too was on my way to Milwaukee!  Right now, you have to be thinking, what kind of twisted sick fuck would have going to Milwaukee in the winter on a bucket list?  Well this twisted sick fuck would and in a second, you will understand why!

So your friend Jack Shit, the comedian, the host, the writer was now Jack Shit, camera case holder and designated drunk passenger and I would not have had it any other way.  We began our travel day on just about 2 hours sleep.  I think GTP got an hour more than me but hey, the little woman wanted to say goodbye, ya hear what I'm saying?  The looks on the faces of the people in the airport as the two of us fucktards made our way through were priceless.  The look on the TSA agents faces when we passed security screening without so much as a cavity search even greater!  You just know that they wanted a piece of us!  I knew it as I watched as the people in front of us passed through the metal detector and nobody even looked at them.  They just stared at us as they snapped their latex gloves on to their hands!  But we showed them.  We hid all the dope in a little old lady's bag that went right before us and then we pick pocketed it right back after we passed security!  Okay, we didn't do that, George did!  We had to fly to Minneapolis where we would have a layover for a bit over an hour and then hop on to our final destination.  The question was, what would we do with that time?  The answer?  Run like mother fuckers through the airport!  Our plane was late and now this!  Picture two crippled old bikers running for their lives, dragging briefcases and camera bags as fast as our busted backs could go.  Imagine the sight of us running down the moving sidewalks?  It was not pretty but people sure did move out of our way!  We made it to the next plane as they were boarding, the Universe was kind this day and had delayed the connecting flights arrival.  George and I make friends every where we go if you can believe that.

Brother Mario was going to meet us just past the last TSA Checkpoint.  Lo and behold, he sees a friend and the guys first words to him were, "I think two of your friends were on my flight"?  Really?  How do you know?  "I just know" was his answer.  Sure as shit, IT WAS US!  We stick out like a pig at a Muslim convention!  As we approached he was already laughing and within moments of hearing this we were laughing too.  Right up until the airport doors automatically slid open.  WE WERE NOT LAUGHING ANY MORE!  Remember how I said that the Universe had given us a break?  Well I guess you only get one of those per day.  It was like getting hit with a sledge hammer to the forehead!  I thought that the PA system on the plane was malfunctioning when we landed and the pilot spoke.  Did he say we were at terminal one?  NOPE!  As it turns out, what he had said was, "the current TEMPERATURE IS ONE"!  Yes, that is correct, ONE MOTHER FUCKING DEGREE!  At this very same time, it was 77 degrees in Phoenix, that is a 76 degree temp drop.....  and this is the very first thing that we saw as we landed.

Interesting, our airport does not have white pavement?  As it turns out, neither does Milwaukee!  Brother Mario picked us up and just laughed at us all the way to the truck.  We had planned for cold and we had gone long underwear shopping the night before.  Picture George and I dragging Diane through the stores for this.  I really don't know why she puts up with us?  She just laughed the entire time, especially as I video taped George pulling his pants down in the middle of a store called Dick's.  I guess it just seemed appropriate to him.  I have to admit, it sort of seemed reasonable to me to at the time.  Our first stop on the trip was to a store to load up on beer and then off to Ken and Darlene Baas' house.  If that name sounds familiar to you, that is because it should, that is our dear friend, the one and only Kevin "Teach" Baas' mom and dad!  We were going to hang out in their garage, do some drinking, do some bike talking and just soak in the lovely Wisconsin temps!  On this 80 acre snow covered farm, we were welcomed and treated like family!  These two amazing people have been living this life that we love and building and riding MurderSickles before many of us were even born!  I will go on the record and say this, THESE PEOPLE ARE NOTHING BUT CLASS!  We were going to drop by for a beer or two and wait for Biker Jym to come pick us up.  He would be there in 45 minutes!  As the second 24 pack was opened and we wondered where the hell Jym was, the phone rang.  He was stuck at the bottom of the farm driveway and his four wheel drive was not working!  We are off to help!  Outside we all run and for the first minute, with the lights shining and the snow falling it was just gorgeous.  The way the headlights hit that big old red barn was straight out of a movie.  By minutes two and three, the beauty had long since passed and my nuts were racing up in to my body for some place warm to hide!  I quickly pretended that I was really happy to see Jym and jumped in his truck for some "quality time"!  His four wheel may not be working, but his heater sure as shit was!

Milwaukee Mike was the guest bartender down town at this kick ass lil joint in a row of houses and we were going to see him but first a nice dinner.  We drove back to Mario's place where we were to stay and it was just gorgeous!  The way the house looked with all the fresh snow in front made it look like a post card.  Right then, I knew that having to stay in conditions like this was going to be really rough but I was going to do what I had to do!  Well here, I'll show you and you can judge for yourself just how bad we had it!  I mean don't get me wrong, it wasn't like sleeping in a cardboard box, but close!  We knuckled up and just made the best of it.  For example, I only had 7 pillows on my bed, can you imagine having to spend time under these conditions?

If you see the conditions that we were forced to endure, then I'm sure you can only imagine the meal that we were forced to eat that night as well.  I mean really, Fillet Mignon and Wine?  What are we savages?  We spent the next hour or so looking for kitty litter, that is an entire blog in and of itself, so I will just move on past this subject.  I will however tell you though that it was at exactly 10:04 pm that the heat in the truck suddenly stopped working!  For the fine folks who live there, a mere inconvenience, for us two AZ pussies, you would have thought we were dropped in to a ice filled horse trough!  I stepped outside the truck to smoke and figured it would be so damn cold outside that the truck would feel warm.  It did, for a moment or two.... then, not so much!  As we pulled away, kitty litter in hand, the heat kicked back on!  Back to the house to spend some quality time in the garage while we awaited a few more bar goers.  So now you've seen the squalor like conditions that we have to sleep in, you've heard about the awful food we had to eat, wait till you see the work conditions in the garage.  I mean how are you supposed to function with that big heater blowing over your heads warming the arctic air and allowing your fingers the dexterity to actually hold on to a tool?  I know, awful right?  Then, to add insult to injury we had to get stuck in the middle of the quadrangle of hell between the two Knuckleheads, the Panhead and the fridge full of anything and everything one could ever need to drink while working on bikes.  It was horrible!  Oh yeah, did I tell you that this God awful garage had every tool you could ever imagine?  No?  Then I won't!  Well, see for yourself what we were forced to endure!

 Here is a quick shot I was able to capture of our cruel host!  This was taken right in between beatings!

We finally loaded our sorry asses in to the F 350 and off we went.  To add insult to injury and what nearly ruined the entire trip was when the rear back up camera that is built in to the rear view mirror malfunctioned!  It nearly sent us packing and right back to AZ, but George and I endured!  Hey, it was the very least we could do, right?  We rolled on in to down town, parked and entered the bar which was filled asses to elbows with the greatest people God ever put on this crazy ass planet we live on.  I have to tell you what really chapped my ass was how rude everyone was.  I mean they just walked right up and without even asking permission to touch you, wrapped their arms around you with these big ass bear hugs and would not let go!  It was awful to say the very least!  We arrived around midnight and were going to stay for one drink just to show our support for Milwaukee Mike.  So at 2:15 when we were thrown out of the damn bar by the staff who was equally as horrible as the patrons there was no place left for us to go but home......  oh yeah, there was one place we could go and we decided to do just that.  The plan was set in to motion.  It was a simple plan, "ONE AND WERE DONE".  One drink and we'd be right out the door.  Where did we go you ask?  Well we went to the one and only, world fucking famous, SHED!  Oh yeah bitches, we are in Milwaukee and it is SHED PARTY weekend!  One and done, we are sticking with the plan.  It took about ten minutes from the bar to get there and we left the bar by 2:20 am.  So as we rolled in to the house at 5:15 am we tried to figure out where and when the plan went to hell?  We fired up the plasma cutter and cut our names in to a nice piece of steel that will be leaving the country for Amsterdam.  6 am and we are still awake.  We are now up for with the exception of the 2 hours of sleep, somewhere near 45 or so hours and I am loving it!

We had HUGE PLANS for the next day.  Saturday night was the Shed Party.... holy shit, I'm in Milwaukee for the Shed Party!  I won't cross it off the bucket list quite yet as I haven't quite made it to the party, but damn, this is the closest I've ever come to attending.  We were going to go spend the day at the Harley Museum, then go over and see Warren's shop and visit Lil Ben, pick up a trailer at the Shed and bring it back to pick up Mario's knuckle, what could go wrong?  Well, I guess quite a bit when you put GTP and I in charge of it and you don't go to bed until 7 am.  We did make it to see Warren and Lil Ben so screw the museum.  I didn't want to be that jerkoff with the camera just snapping away but man oh man, the shop was just awful!  Here we are again, having to deal with these sub human conditions.  Yet another shop where I have no earthly idea of how anyone could ever get anything done.  I mean with distractions like the "break room" with it's bar and pool table if my memory serves me correctly, right on down to the photo studio and the second story line up of gorgeous bikes for all to have to suffer through viewing!  I mean Jesus, here is another place where you just can't walk straight through, you have to step around a Panhead here and a Norton there and oh, well, I guess you get the idea.  All the other things that make these places miserable like one off tanks and helmets hanging on the walls and from the rafters!  I won't go crazy showing you pictures because I don't want you guys to have to suffer as we did but I will share with you the truly hard to endure moments and things that were particularly painful to witness.

Like I said, just terrible.  We were running out of time and like Cinderella, I had to get GTP to the ball!  It was the night of the one and only SHED PARTY and I was excited like a school girl on prom night!  All we had to do was drive back to the house, get the camera and head back to the SHED.  What could possibly go wrong?  All we had to do was follow the GPS in the truck, it's technology, it could never lead us astray!  Well I guess that would be true if had someone not changed the settings to avoid freeways!  So we had only about 40 or so miles to go, roughly 30 minutes on the freeway.  Oh yeah, that's right, we never got to see one of them.  40 miles, traffic light to traffic light to traffic light.  Did I also forget to mention that not one person on those surface streets ever drives more than 35 mph?  We arrived back at the house and I hadn't torn the steering wheel off with my bare hands so we had that going for us.  Our plan for a couple long hot showers, fresh change of clothes and maybe even a nap turned in to running through the house, changing socks and shirt, grabbing the cameras, running down stairs, out to the driveway, smoke a cigarette as fast as humanly possible and then jump right back in to the truck!  We outsmarted the GPS by not using the one in the truck!  I waited until after we got on the freeway and used my phone to get us there.  SHED PARTY 2012, here we come!  Eat your hearts out world!  We made it on time, George got everyone lined up for the portrait shot and the evening got under way in style.  You guys ready for what happened next?  Do you want to hear what happened on the night that I got to cross off a long over due item on my bucket list?

I bet you do, but what happens at the SHED PARTY stays at the fucking SHED PARTY!  So sorry but that's how it goes!  I can tell you that it was hands down, one of the greatest parties that I have ever been to in my life held at one of the coolest places that I have ever been at, where I was invited by people who I love.  I was welcomed like family and treated even better.  I had bruises on my back from the hugs and back slaps that I was lucky enough to receive all weekend long.  One day, maybe you too will be invited to the SHED!  Maybe? 

Roughly shy of 7 years ago, the Milwaukee crew rode their crazy choppers right on in to our lives and in to our hearts and they will remain there until the day that I die.  This party was more than just an annual offering to the demons, it was so much more.  Jimmy Giggles was leaving Milwaukee to make a fresh start in Virginia and it is hands down the right thing to do.  Brother Mario is leaving, wait, correct that, has already left to live in Amsterdam for a few years!  This party was both a welcome to the SHED and a going away for brothers who helped to make the SHED the world famous place that it is today!  A place where legendary bikes roll out, legendary people roll in and LOVE, LOYALTY, HONOR AND RESPECT are not just words but a way of life!  They are a family, a brotherhood and a world unto itself!  I will forever cherish what we share as friends and brothers and do all I can to only make what we share the very best it can be.  I am honored that these crazy fuckers welcomed me in to their home, their house, their lives!  I no longer have to worry about making it one day to the SHED PARTY as a bucket list item but just when do I book my flight for the next one!  This party has gone from my attending being a dream to having a place forever etched in to my calender!  I can't thank everyone in Milwaukee enough for the hospitality and the generosity that you showed to me.  I never forget these things, ever!  I'd run down a list of those names, but that would be evidence that others were there.

I know you are saying to yourself, I can't believe that this prick made us read all this shit and then gave us no details of the party and no pics either!  Well if you are thinking that you are right, I will not post any pics and I won't write a single detail.  I am however working on the SHED PARTY MOVIE so keep your eyes out for that, it's coming soon!  DID YOU FUCKERS REALLY THINK THAT I WOULD LET YOU DOWN?  C'mon, it's your pal Jack Shit.... I'd never do that to you!  I'll let you know when the movie is done!

Again, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart to all of you lunatics in that frozen tundra known as Milwaukee, THANK YOU!  Now I have replaced this item with the Knuckle Shuffle on that Bucket list of mine.... who knows, I may just make a spring time return!

Until we meet on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit