Wild Night At The Shit Family Resort, Spa and Ultimate Fighting Center

No matter what, I just never seem to be able to steer clear away from shit!  I put myself on lock down, don't leave the house, spend the entire day in bed, straight up until 6:30 pm and at 6:40 pm, I'm on the ground with a Mesa Police helicopter circling above with its spot light shining straight down on ME!  HOW THE FUCK DO I FIND MYSELF IN THESE SITUATIONS?

Here I am still in my black and white plaid pajama pants and Al Qaeda shoes, rocking a Broken Spoke Saloon T'shirt of course and as the Police Cars converge damn near simultaneously on us a quick flash shot through my mind.  These cops are going to come racing out of their cars, take one look at me and I'm getting full on kicked in the face.  So here I am with one knee on the back of some one's neck and the other drilled in to his rib cage and one of his arms twisted ass backwards and I'm holding it for all I have and believe me, this maniac was not giving up without a fight!  He just kept screaming, "I can't breathe, get off of me" and I'm telling him to shut the fuck up, if you couldn't breathe, you wouldn't be able to talk.  As they all came running at us from every direction, thankfully the "grandpa" said, "he's the one on the ground"!  The first two cops bum rushed in and grabbed his arms the third jumped on his legs and the fourth and fifth took my place on his head and neck.  Right before I put him to the ground, he kept reaching inside his jacket pocket, that is what gave me the chance to put him to the ground.  They flipped him over but didn't find any weapons, thank God!

So by now, you've got to be asking WTF happened right?  As I sit here, I'm wondering the very same thing.  There just never seems to be a way for me to avoid it!  All I wanted to do was stay in bed, nothing more.  I was feeling like total shit.  Diane said "you've got to eat something, you want me to make dinner"?  Yeah sure!  She went out in to the kitchen and the damn parrot starting making the sound of a smoke detector that is running low on battery power, only the parrot does it at about 20 times the volume!  I was so irritated that I got up from bed to deal with the damn bird.  If you don't have a parrot, you don't realize how this sound can cut through your skull like a hot knife through butter.  I also know that within a few moments, Diane is going to shout, JACK, DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE FUCKING BIRD, so I was already in motion.  The back doors were open for the dogs to run in and out and as I walked down the hallway I heard a deep, horrible sound.  It was like thunder, but at the same time, not like thunder.  It was like an explosion and at the same time not at all like an explosion.  Both dogs stared out the back door, ears straight up and didn't take their eyes away.  I asked Diane if she heard it and she said "I sure as hell did".  I lit up a smoke and walked out on to the driveway.  I could hear a car horn going non stop, just like someone was holding it down and it just kept blowing.  I looked to the right and a few houses up the street, everyone at the house was standing on the front lawn pointing.  All the while, the horn was blowing away.  I began slowly walking up the street, I'm in friggin "sleepy pants" after all and this guy comes walking around the corner and straight towards me.  He's got his head down and he is making time, he is moving as fast as you can without running.  I got right in his way, looked him dead in the face and he walked right around me.

Okay, now I'm really confused.  What the hell is going on?  The horn is still going non stop, people are pointing and this guy has just gone straight past me like he's training for a speed walking marathon.  With that an older guy comes "power walking" around the corner yelling for the guy to stop.  I could see that one was older than the other, they were both wearing glasses and sort of looked similar.  Then another older guy comes around the corner and he yells "stop that guy"!  So trying not to get involved I asked what any reasonable person would, "why"?  The first guy has now caught up to him and his telling him to stop and he's only going to make it worse.  But he is not stopping.  Now they are shouting "call the police"!  So again I ask why?  All I could make out being said was he's running away!  Now my mind is racing and doing some quick deductions.  They did look alike?  The guy who caught him didn't put hands on him?  Maybe it was a father and a son and the kid was running away, who am I to get involved with that?

As the second guy catches up to where I am, he said no man, that guy just hit my truck head on, jumped from the vehicle and took off!  Oh!  He's not running away, HE'S RUNNING AWAY!  The first older guy is pleading with the guy to stop and trying to talk sense to him but he just keeps on going.  I'm in pajama pants and Al Qaeda shoes so I can't exactly run, so I'm shouting up the street to the guy, "JUST KNOCK HIM ON HIS ASS"!  But he didn't, he just kept trying to stop the guy and I just kept yelling "KNOCK HIM ON HIS ASS" as I tried to catch up as best I could.  I heard my side door of the house open from the kitchen and hear Diane shout, "should I grab my gun"?  "Won't need it, I shouted back".  As I got closer the guy tried to grab him to stop this piece of shit and that is when he began to swing!  Okay, now I'm running up the street in my god damned rubber sandals.  I caught up but quick and squared dead off in front of the guy and poked my finger in his chest and said in my "badassiest" of voices, DON'T YOU MOVE MOTHER FUCKER!  He reached right in to the inside pocket of his jacket, so I grabbed his arm.  All I could think of was, well here ya go, I'm getting shot, in my pajamas on the neighbor's lawn, great!  As fast as that thought entered my head, it was followed by an immediate "THE FUCK I AM"!  As I grabbed his arm, he swung with the other.  Oh you mother fucker, you didn't?  It was on like Donkey Kong!  I could hear the oldest of the men, the man whose truck that was hit giving play by play to the 9/11 operator and I could hear him giving addresses.  We are at, no, now we are at, now we are at and finally, our final location. 

While still holding on to the one arm, I grabbed him by his throat and put him down as fast and hard as I could.  In a perfect world, this guy would have just given up, knew he was screwed and it would have ended but this guy was whacked out of his fucking mind!  He kept reaching for a weapon that was not there, thank God!  He had a really baggy fleece jacket on and as I wrestled with him on the ground all I could feel was muscle upon muscle and thought, way to go, you stupid fat bastard, this guy is going to kill you!  Now what are you going to do dumb ass? 

We rolled around for a quick minute and this guy had like retard strength, hell, he was fighting for his life.  He was smashed, his adrenaline was through the roof and just kept reaching inside his jacket.  I managed to get him over on to his stomach and drill a knee in to his rib cage, followed by another 2 quick ones.  The last one I kept there and managed to get the other on his neck like ya see on COPS! 

BAD BOY BAD BOY, WHAT YA GONNA DO, WHAT YA GONNA DO WHEN JACK SHIT COMES FOR YOU?  One of the two grandpa's grabbed the guys arm and by the grace of God pulled it away and his hand was empty.  With that, it was damn near instant day light and you could hear the chopper over us.  It took a bit of energy to hold this crazy fucker on the ground, thank God I'd slept for 16 hours to gather up my strength for this one! 

The cops showed up and grabbed his ass and we each let go and when they rolled him over, they asked him "what are you on"?  No answer.  "What the fuck are you on"?  Nothing!  Oh yeah, then why are your lips all blue?  As I stood there, I thought, to myself, wow, maybe he couldn't breathe!  Now having been around this system, where there is no justice in the justice system, the next thought in my head was, I will now be arrested for assault and battery and since I was holding him down and not letting him go, I was certain that I would now be charged with kidnapping as well!  "Well if you don't need me any longer, my dinner is almost ready" and I walked away.  I should say, that is when I began to walk away and was stopped.  "Hey, hold it right there"!  The only thing that came to mind was the instant thought of "you stupid asshole, why did you have to get involved in this"?  As I turned around it was not the cops saying this, it was the neighbor who had tried to stop the guy.  Thank you so much, I have the greatest neighbors!  The only thought going through my mind was, "no, you have stupid ones"!  I shook his hand and said you are welcome.  As I walked back towards my house, Diane came up to me and said "what the hell was that all about"?  As I began to explain a police car pulled up next to us, the window went down and my heart began to race.  It was a lady cop and we had met before on a separate occasion.  She was the one that I swore would be the first to put the boot to my face and now here she was blocking our path to home.  "Anyone need a ride home"?  WHAT?  "Uhm..... uhhhhh.... NO, we are good, thanks".  We went back to the house and I could not believe that dinner was still not ready!

I knew the only safe place for me was in my house but the curiosity of the hit and run was killing me.  It was like Halloween in the hood with all of the people walking around.  I had to go see the damage.  When I got there, the swarm of police was insane.  There were more cops here then there were at the "arrest site".  I have to say this, man oh man, airbags really do work!  This guy was in a Toyota four runner and he hit a ford f 350 head on and hit it so hard that he pushed it sideways up on to the sidewalk.  The Toyota was crushed right up to the windshield.  This guy had to be doing 75 or 80 mph on a small residential street.  How he walked away from this is incredible.  He had to be so out of his mind high because he didn't smell like liquor to me and believe me, I was close enough to smell it.

By this time, the helicopter had flown off to the next crime scene.  The paramedics worked on the driver and all I could think was that this scumbag is gonna go to the hospital, sleep in a bed and then get bailed out in the morning.  It took a little while longer but I saw the ambulance drive away first.  Then I saw the fire trucks drive away but still standing on the sidewalk was the piece of shit!  He wasn't going to the hospital, this piece of shit was leaving in the back of the car and I wasn't!  Not such a bad night after all!  So as I sit here, still in my pj's, belly full looking back on the events of the night, I can't help but wonder, how THE FUCK DO I FIND MYSELF IN THIS SHIT? 

I'm just glad that it all worked out okay and another innocent person wasn't affected by a scum bag that brought havoc and damage in to their lives and got away with it.  I've seen it far too many times before and I am so damn sick of it.  At least this time, I won't have to look back and say "if only I had been there or what if".

I'm sure the police will be here tomorrow to file the assault charges against me and take me away once they get the poor "victim of  the violence's statement" and until then, I'll just wait.  The real problem is that as of now, I am out of Fudge Covered Ritz crackers and that sucks!

THERE IS NEVER A WRONG TIME TO DO THE RIGHT THING!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit