It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

In Case I Am Found Dead ! ! !

Remember when you were number one, the single most important thing in some one's life, when you were it, you were, The Shit?  Sometimes being Jack Shit is far different from just being THE SHIT!  When you are in a relationship for a long time you tend to take things for granted.  You may tend to take each other for granted but in your heart, you know one thing, that thing is above all else, no matter what the case, you are loved.  No thing, or no one ranks higher than you do in the eyes of the one you love.  Sure sometimes you fight but what couple doesn't?  Sometimes life becomes a bit melancholy for you both, highs and lows, right?  Regardless of what is going on in your life, your career or your family, deep down inside you know that above all else you are still the top dog, the big cheese, the whole enchilada, the icing on the cake, the cherry atop your significant others sundae and that gets you through those rough times.  I don't know about you, but I know that love conquers all and this knowledge gives me strength!  Well, at least that is what I thought!

I am beginning to wonder if I am still all that I believe that I am in the eyes and the heart of the one that I love?  Now those of you who know me and better yet those of you who know both my wife and myself together are more than likely thinking right now, Jack, you are out of your mind!  Your girl loves you very much, probably more than ever, don't be a fool!  But you may or may not know that I am a deep thinker, a guy who watches for signs, a guy who watches for small changes in speech patterns or "looks" that I receive.

Let me tell you a little story and then you tell me if you think I am nuts!  A few days ago, my wife and myself were standing outside the back door of our home.  Well I should say the door that leads from our master bedroom to the back yard.  We are standing on the concrete walkway that weaves it's way through our property and we are just talking, mostly about nothing all that important, just talking.  So we finish our conversation with my announcement of "I'm going in the shower".  I take a step back and turn to walk back into the house and I trip and fall backwards.  I have no control over the fall, I am twisted up, there is nothing to grab to slow my fall.  I can feel the knee that I had 5 surgeries on popping as it gets twisted under me.  My home is all brick and I fall into it!  I whack my forehead against the brick, bend my wrist that was surgically reconstructed straight back and I fall hard to the ground.  What I hadn't noticed was that while we were talking, one of the dogs had laid down right behind me at my feet.  As I turned around to walk away and felt myself trip I could see him there.  I did all that I could not to step on him.  So I am laying on the ground, knee twisted under me, skin scraped from my forehead and my wrist feeling as if it was being crushed in a vise!  For a moment all I heard was ringing!  More than likely from hitting my head.  As the ringing subsides I can hear my wife excitedly saying Oh my God, Oh my God, oh baby are you okay?  I turn my head back to look at her and signal that "yes, I am okay" and to my amazement, SHE WAS ASKING THE DOG!  That's right, she wasn't asking if I was okay, she was checking to make sure that I didn't hurt the God damned Dog!  Once she saw that the dog wasn't injured in any way or wasn't startled too badly by my inconsiderate use of the concrete walkway to my bedroom and she stopped laughing long enough, she then asked me if I was okay?  YES, FIRST THE DOG, THEN THE HUSBAND!  Am I nuts or should I be concerned?  Later on that evening when I brought this up she just started laughing and said "I didn't do that"!  Oh yes you fucking did!  Really?  YES REALLY!  Oh.... well I wanted to make sure you didn't step on him..... NO SHIT, that I figured out as I lay in the gravel and cactus!  I was waiting for her to offer the dog a percocet and an ice pack! 

If any of you women who are reading this right now are wondering, which I am sure you are..... NO, I didn't hurt the damn dog.  As a matter of fact, I believe that they were working as a team.  Remember when you were a kid and you would kneel down behind your friend and another friend would push them backwards and they would fall and you would all laugh?  I think that they had this little practical joke planned but I have no proof, neither the dog nor the wife are talking!  The other dog, my Whiskey Boy was standing at a distance, I could tell he wanted no part of any of it.  Then again, it was his barking that brought us out of the house in the first place, so he is still a suspect in this investigation as well!

I like to think that it was a practical joke but I have some doubts.  I'll explain why too.  The dogs are Blue Heelers or Queensland Heelers or Australian Cattle Dogs, no matter what you call them they are all one and the same and they are said to be the smartest dogs in the world.  I can't tell you how many times I have come home late to find this lil prick sleeping on my side of the bed with his head on my pillow!  MY PILLOW!  I will investigate further and let you know what I come up with.  Until then I want you all to know that there may be a plot to take me out.  If you guys find out that I died, question it...  If I am found to have choked on dog biscuits, I want you to know this now, I don't eat dog biscuits!  Look for signs like that please, don't let these two dogs murder me and try and make it look like an accident. 

In case something happens and they go on the lamb, here is a current photo of them. 
It was just after I took this toy away from them that I believe in my heart is when the plotting began.  To be completely honest, I think that the parrot is the ring leader of the entire conspiracy, but this I have no proof of either..... NOT YET!


  1. And the saga of Jack Shit continues............

  2. Din't I see a pic of the suspect sleeping with your wife? That would be a clue. Careful Jack, I have heard that a dog of this breed will bite you when your not looking.

  3. they are far too crafty to ever bite. Knowing these two, they would hire a pit bull to bite me.

  4. I am hysterically laughing...LMAO.... you write very well. And yes those dogs are extremely smart, so I can see why you are worried.

    And I must admit, as you were describing the fall, I kept thinking, "I hope the dog is alright"

  5. It must fun to live in the "house that Jack built"...You keep me laughing my friend, thank you for sharing!

  6. Gotta watch Yeager...he's a sneaky bastard! Looking to be numero uno alpha your expense!