It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Never Say Never, yet again!

About a year and a half ago, I performed the most beautiful wedding ceremony that I've ever done at the most spectacular place that I've ever performed the ceremony of marriage!  At the time that I had taken the booking for the wedding I was so happy to have been asked to do it my answer was an instant YES!  I had also done the same thing for a friend back in January two years ago, I was asked and said YES!  Never for a moment did I think to look at a calender, check the dates, see what else might be going on during that time, I just said sure!  As it turned out, during both of those wedding dates, I missed two major bike events that I had been scheduled to attend.  As the time drew nearer I realized that I screwed up and big but I am a man of my word and come hell or high water I try to never, ever break that word. I've lost business, I've lost friends, I've lost incredible opportunities because I won't break my word.  Oh well, such is life and if a friend can't realize this, then I guess they were never really a friend in the first place, right?  Fuck them anyway, they can suck the gnats of a dead rats scrotum while having a cactus jammed straight up their pee hole, but, I digress!  The point of this stupid ass post is simple, as of that last ceremony, I said that I would never again perform the ceremony of marriage!  It was one hell of a way to go out on top, my greatest wedding ever and it would be my last!  Never, ever again will I do another wedding........... or so I thought!

A few days ago an old friend called up that I had not really seen nor heard from in some time.  It was a nice surprise to hear from him.  Every now and again a quick face book comment or something would pop up, but other than that, not much in the way of contact.  He is an east coast guy like me so the second I answered the phone and heard "HEY!!! HOW YOU DOOOOON!!!"  Notice that there was no question mark at the end of that sentence?  Why?  Because it was not a question, it was a statement!  This guy is your typical, Brooklyn, Italian, bike riding, gun toting lunatic and it sure was nice to hear someone speak with that accent and for a brief moment, I was back home in Joisey!!!  I knew why I had not heard much from him over the last few years and it was because when he moved to AZ, his mom had gotten old and sick.  Here is a single guy who moved to paradise and gave up partying, chasing ass and living his life to move into a trailer in a senior development to take care of his mom and make the last time she had here on earth as happy and comfortable as possible!  I've got mad respect for him for doing this!  As we spoke we bullshitted back and forth, asked each other the typical question and then he hit me with the bomb question!  "Hey man, what are you doing on Valentine's Day?"  My first thought was "oh no, all that time away from chicks taking care of mom and he realized that he was gay and now he is asking me out", for a brief moment, I admit, I was flattered but I had to remind him that I was still married.  Then he responded to me with "no you fucking jerkoff, I am not asking you out, I'm asking you to marry me!"  Now I was REALLY flattered but still as equally married.  Then came, "NO you stupid prick, I'm getting married and I want you and only you to do the ceremony!"  I had to ask, "so then you wouldn't want to marry me?"  "What the fuck is wrong with me that I'm not good enough for you?"  Funny how easily our feelings can be hurt!

I informed him that I don't do these things any longer, that I was going out on top and I didn't have my schedule set in stone for the year yet and I could not commit in advance to any date etc, etc, etc....  He was not taking no for an answer.  I informed him that the odds were really good that I was going to be away on that day and if I was not away, I'd just be arriving home in the middle of the night or rather, early that morning and he still didn't care, he was not taking no for an answer.  This poor bastard was in love, he was getting married and nothing was going to stop him, NOTHING or no one, myself included.  He asked me to meet him on Friday at noon at the location for the ceremony and we'd talk about it there.  It's only a 40 minute drive so I said what the hell, it's cold as hell but still a beautiful day, I'll go meet him.  I had already decided in my heart that after all this guy had gone through recently, the things that he gave up to do what he did, I WAS COMING OUT OF RETIREMENT!  Check out where we are going to do this ceremony!

I've done ceremonies in some of the coolest places ever!  I've performed them in beach houses after a hurricane by candle light because there was no power, I've done them on the beach with dolphins jumping out of the water behind us, I've done them on the side of a cliff overlooking a spectacular lake, inside MC clubhouses, at bike rallies in front of thousands of people, in the center of circled wagons, at the World Famous Broken Spoke Saloon, I've been flown all over the country by couples who would have no one else marry them, hell, I've even performed the ceremony of marriage inside the OK Corral, yeup, the OK Corral!  But how in hell am I supposed to turn down performing the marriage ceremony of a friend inside the Elvis Presley Memorial Chapel?  Just can't do it, no way, no how, this shit was on like Donkey Kong!  As I stood there staring at the altar, I thought to myself, "you said you were never going to do this again man, how pissed are the people going to be that you have turned down recently?" Someone is going to take that personal, I just know that no matter how much I try to explain, someone is going to think that I just didn't want to marry them, this is going to back fire on me, maybe I shouldn't do it!  The confusion and the inner turmoil was building in me and having this damn Chantix running around my body and twisting up my brain was not helping.  My friend and his fiance had not arrived yet to meet me and now I didn't know what I was going to say to them.  Right then and there while looking at Elvis' face, I decided that unless I had some devine intervention, a proverbial kick in the nuts from the universe or a sign from God, I was going to bail out on this ceremony while they still had time to book someone else.  That was it, I WAS OUT!  I turned to walk out the door and as I looked up, a dove was hovering, flapping his wings like a mad man right in front of this window that was above the door! All I could think of was the scene from Orgasmo when he asks God for a sign that he should not make porn movies anymore and the apartment began to shake, an earthquake hit, all the dishes came out of the cabinets and fell to the ground and smashed and after all the damage was done and the earth stopped shaking violently, he said and I quote, "any sign at all God, anything, any sign at all!"  So there it was, a dove flying in front of a stained glass crucifix window..... are you kidding me?  Guess I'm back in the wedding business!
 I began to think, this will be pretty cool.  A small, intimate ceremony with only a handful of guests in this tiny, historic chapel that was made famous in so many movies, yeah, this will be alright!  My friend arrives and I meet him outside as I'm taking a few pics around the grounds of the Superstition Museum. I use to live right on the mountain but we never really spent any time here.  We'd walked around parts of it once or twice.  I filmed a little bit out there, for what I can't seem to remember.  I think it was when we were trying to get that tv show on BBC, who can remember this shit, I certainly can't!  I told him how perfect I thought the chapel was for an intimate ceremony.  That is when he says to me "well it may not be so intimate now, it appears to be growing."  So now the small, quiet, "intimate" ceremony for only a few friends has grown and it's far too big for the tiny Elvis chapel and did I mention that I opened up meeting up with my friend with the phrase, "yeah man, I'm in" and now I'm not even doing it the damn chapel!  Thanks for the sign!!!!  The grounds of the museum are really cool with a few buildings saved from the fire at Apacheland Studios that suffered one final horrific fire a few years ago.  Here are a few shots of that shit.

Along with the old stamp mill, jail, blacksmith shop and such, the property also has an area they call the coliseum or what they can "loosely" call the amphitheater and that is where we will be holding the ceremony.  Since this day really has nothing to do with me and is in fact of course about the couple, I'm going to do whatever they want to do.  We took a walk and he pointed out the area to me.  I asked, "you mean that area over there with the construction barricades laying on their sides?"  Yeah, that's it he responded....  Luckily as we got closer we realized that these weren't actually barricades but big ol' stones and in the front and center, a stacked stone altar with the ultimate back drop of the Superstition Mountains!  It was actually pretty sweet and since I hadn't ever performed a wedding at a museum, I will still pulling off something that I had not done yet!  Check it out.

So it doesn't look like we will be doing shit in the Elvis Chapel but I gotta tell you, this don't suck either!  It's going to be a good day no matter where we do it.  Oh yeah, since the word got out, I'm now booked for a wedding on the Beach in San Diego too!  Here we go again!

Until we see each other on the road again;

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back an
The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

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