It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Some things you never forget, this time will be one of them!


Sometimes in life, you have to pass up something you know to be good to do something that you can only hope will be great.  These past few weekends I've done just that.  As I wrote about a few weeks ago, I had given my word to friends about performing their wedding ceremony and I had to pass on Las Vegas Bikefest.  As it turned out, I got to do a wedding in the OK Corral, how can you beat that shit?  This past weekend, I found myself in similar circumstances.

If you may remember, last years Arizona Bike Week was fantastic for me and that was mostly because I was invited to host the rally at the Dirty Dogg Saloon.  Everyone there welcomed me like a long lost brother who had been sold off or traded for a new pair of shoes when I was a baby and just found my way home!  It is not that often that you just instantly find yourself welcome somewhere and the feeling was pretty damn good.  In "making myself at home" there, I got to know the staff  and they were just honest to God, real down to earth, kick ass people!  In getting to know them, I got to know the bar manager who just lost her dad.  Outside the bar I got to know her man who had just lost his son.  In the midst of all of this tragedy, they fell crazy in love and got engaged.  I was so touched by the love they had, I offered to perform their ceremony!  Now this was all the way back during AZ Bike Week.  As you guys know, life changes pretty quickly and things come in and out of your life without notice or planning. 

So as we got closer to the dates of these weddings, I remembered that I had also booked a wedding on a paddle boat here on Canyon Lake.  This would have been amazing!  By the grace of God, I got bumped from the wedding because the parents were paying for it and I was far too appalling and unacceptable for their tastes!  Oh the luck!  That freed up this upcoming weekend for us!  As you guys know, this year has been pretty good for me and my career.  My stand up comedy has taken me places that were truly unexpected.  The blog I never wanted to start, this one you are reading right now has blown up and is now read in more than 90 countries around the world!  I thank you all for that!  My skills at hosting events and my ability to bring something no one else can, as an emcee has finally been noticed by all the right people and I have been welcomed on as the host of the Broken Spoke Saloon and I've never been more proud to be involved with an organization.  We have put together, if I must say so myself, one hell of a team and plan to beat the ever loving shit out of the 2012 Rally Season!  Keep your eyes open for big stuff coming from the Spoke!  My writing caught the eye of Chris Callen and crew over at Cycle Source magazine and I was brought on as part of the team over there.  When you rely on survival based on your creativity, it is horrifying at times to face the day!  For me to be recognized for it, well let me just say, it gives you a little more strength in your backbone to stand up and continue the good fight!  The fight to never compromise, to at all costs, always stay true to myself and remain true to what has given me the small amount of notoriety that I have and that is being always, 100% brutally honest!  L,L,H and R folks, LOVE, LOYALTY, HONESTY (normally, the H stands for Honor but Honesty is also appropriate) and RESPECT, is the only formula to live by and it pays off in the end, I promise!

Another side effect of the successful roll that I am on is that I get invited to take part in things that perhaps I would not have been at an earlier time in my life or career.  These things happen fast because I never made plans to be there in the first place.  This weekend was one of those times.  It had been damn near insisted upon that I attend the Love Ride in California.  I had every single intention on doing just that!  Biketoberfest in Daytona at the Spoke came up as well!  At least with that, I had some reasonable advance notice!  I had an amazing 75 day period where there was virtually not a moment that hadn't been booked and it's a great feeling.  Well it is a great feeling until you realize that you have several things booked on the same day!  Or for the same week!  Shit, the same weekends!  I had a choice to make, I could go to the Love Ride and blow off this wedding that the bride and groom had to literally battle with family members to have me perform or I could do what a man is supposed to do and keep his word!  If you know me in the least, then you know what I did.... if you don't, then I'll tell you.  I performed the wedding!  This was no makeshift quickie wedding either, this was a 200+ person festival of a wedding weekend!
With all the confusion and decisions that had to be made, there was one that was the easiest to make and that was that no matter what, rain or shine, dust storm or tsunami in the middle of the dessert, I was riding to wherever I was going!  Saturday came and after having been down in Daytona for Biketoberfest and watching everyone ride in and out of the Spoke on their bikes and leaving and arriving myself in a fucking Nissan Sentra, I had to get back on two wheels at any cost!  Quite unlike myself, I awoke before my alarm went off by nearly an hour.  Finally, after buying the bike a month ago, I got it registered the night before and I could now get on the damn thing and ride off in to the sunset!  HELL YEAH!  So I rolled it out of the garage, excited as all hell to be able to ride the damn thing.  I took out some cleaning supplies and figured what the hell, why not clean it at least once while I own it!  The night I rode it home, I left it parked, spotless under the carport.  I was too tired to put it in the garage.  I locked it and left it!  If you know anything about my luck then you already know that of course a massive dust storm hit Arizona and the bike was caked in shit!  I get the bike all cleaned up, I have time to spare and a smile creeped across my lips!  It's going to be a great day, no scratch that, it's going to be a great weekend!  I turned the ignition, hit the start button and got wurr wurr wurr, click click click......... NO FUCKING WAY?   Yes, the battery was dead!  Son of a bitch!  Luckily I had time to charge it enough to start it, then hoped and prayed that the 90mph ride there would charge it up enough to start again for the ride home and it did!  Back on track again!  This was the first time I rode the bike without the fear of it getting impounded and taken away and it was a shocking surprise to say the least.  I have got to give it to Harley for putting out the Road Glide.  For a guy who said he would never again own a bagger, I am sure glad I picked up this lil lady! 

I rolled up to the place where the wedding was to be held and as I rode through the entry I was blown away!  The place was called the Boojum Tree and it's in Phoenix.  I had been told that the place kicked ass and other great things along with wait till you see it.  I've heard this before, the "wait till you see it" line and typically, the wait is not worth it.  In this case, it was so worth it!  I even arrived after making several wrong turns, early.  This is also unheard of on my part!  I was on a roll!  I only wish that I had taken some time to shoot some pics of the place but if you have the time, Google that shit.  My friends at Two Gals Event Planning (I wish I knew how to add links) put together a truly spectacular event!  Not just a wedding, but an event!  This is a first class operation and if you find yourself in need of no bullshit, fantastic event planning I highly recommend this company!  I say Google that shit too!  If that is not enough, in there "spare" time and at their own cost, run a wild life rescue operation.  Yes, wildlife!  Dessert Tortoise, Hawks, Eagles, Owls and such.  I truly don't know how they find the time to do what they do, but we are all lucky that they find it!  The rehearsal went off like clock work.  Okay, like a broken clock, but we wound it up and then it ran like a Rolex. 

Sunday morning came quickly.  I had not gotten much sleep at all.  I had spent more than four hours working and re working the wedding ceremony.  It was different than anything that I had done prior and it had to be spot on!  I wanted this to go off as well as the place, the planning and the people involved.  Better yet, to be quite frank, I wanted this to go off better than all of that!  I WAS GOING TO KNOCK THIS FUCKER OUT OF THE PARK!  I pulled out my favorite, most expensive, most BAD ASS gangster suit that I had.  Sounds easy right?  Not if you have not put one on in over 7 years.  Shit, I didn't even know where they were since the move.  I don't mean the move from town to town, I mean the move from Jersey to AZ!  Where to even look was the biggest question?  I had far too much shit to bring up so we had to take the truck, damnit!  Hey, at least I got a hundred mile ride in the day prior.  I was loading up the truck and walked back in the house to see Diane come walking down the hall from the bedroom and she looked smoking hot!  I am one lucky fool who has no idea what I must have done in a past life to have been rewarded with having her in this one!  Click clop, click clop, ah yes, the sound of Jimmy Choo shoes!
I only wish the shoes were in this photo because yes, they are that nice!  Who would have thought at some point in my life I would even know what a good pair of hot chick shoes are?  Well I'll tell ya, when you see them, you just know!  The wedding guest list was huge and filled with the who's who of everyone that matters around this dusty ol' town we hang around!  Diane herself can't stop talking about the SICK shoes on display at this wedding!  I only wish there was an album devoted to them.  Yes, I know, I'm starting to sound like a man with a shoe fetish and oddly enough, I don't have one... YET!  The bridal party was massive.  All totaled, 22 including the bride and groom!

I must go on record as saying that each and every single person in the party was nicer than the last one that I met!  This was a biblical melding of EAST COAST AND WEST!  As the ceremony went on, the bride and groom were watched over by portraits of the father and son who were lost so tragically.  I am always humbled that a couple wants me to be part of their most important day.  I try to give each and every couple something that I've never given to anyone else in another ceremony!  I believe with all of my heart that I achieved that with this one!  Well you be the judge for yourself.  You tell me, does this look like a happy bride?

These shots I had to more or less steal off of face book from friends.  I can't begin to imagine what the pro shots are going to look like.  Dave Sixx, you captured some magic with these shots.  As we brought the ceremony to a close, I pronounced the couple husband and wife and the crowd went ape shit!
 For me, there is nothing on earth like knowing that a job is well done!  Especially when the job I have done holds a piece of my heart and soul in it!  I was so worried about pulling this ceremony off that I actually had myself freaked out!  I've performed so many now that I could do a wedding in my sleep but this one had to live up to the standard that was set and believe me, that bar was set high!  The photo below is one of my all time favorite shots captured at one of my ceremonies!  To be shown love like this right after they have just shared their kiss is an incredible feeling.  It was in this moment that I knew that I had pulled it off big!  Every thing that I had hoped this wedding would be was in the end, so very much more!  For so many reasons, on so many levels, I will never forget this one!  You've read in this piece about the loss of a father and a son and how we planned to honor them.  At the end of the ceremony, two Owls who were rescued and brought back to perfect health were going to be re-released back in to the wild.  It's an incredible sight to see on television, it's mind blowing to be part of.  To actually touch them, to look directly in to a wild Owl's eyes from a distance of 18 inches is something else that I will never forget.  Both Owls were pulled from their boxes, placed on the bride and grooms arms.  Missy explained briefly the American Indian beliefs about what we were doing and I placed one hand on each Owl's back.

 I then said a quick prayer and asked that these Owls along with God watch over us all on this day and each that follow.  The guests all joined us in the countdown, 1 - 2 - 3 and they were released!  They took off and never looked back down.  As they made it past the tree line, one made a small, quick circle and they were out of sight in an instant!  This will truly be something that I never forget as long as I live.  The love, the respect for each other, friends and family on display this day was nearly overwhelming to me!  It is great to know that this still exists out there!

 The photo below is one of my all time favorite shots captured at one of my ceremonies!  To be shown love like this right after they have just shared their kiss is an incredible feeling.  It was in this moment that I knew that I had pulled it off big!  Every thing that I had hoped this wedding would be was in the end, so very much more!  For so many reasons, on so many levels, I will never forget this one! 
I've given it much thought and although I have not come to a final conclusion, this may be my last wedding or at the very least, my last for some time.  I will have to see what the universe either hands me or puts in my way to make this decision final.  What followed this ceremony was a fantastic meal with tremendously warm hearted people.  New friends were made, old friendships renewed and lifetime bonds formed.  The party went on late in to the night and Diane and I were shot out, we had to leave.  I was thrilled that Diane's MS cut her a break for the night and didn't even slow her down.  Hell, we even managed to get a hell of an ass grab in while we slow danced.  It touched me to hear everyone yell JACK AND DIANE as we stepped on to the dance floor!  Who the fuck am I kidding, I nearly shed a tear I was so happy!  Before we left, Dave Sixx caught us one last time and captured this shot of Diane and myself and it is actually one of my favorite shots of us ever captured.
You can see how happy we were in this moment.  Like I said, it was a magical day on so many levels.  As I was eating my taste bud blowing lemon wedding cake, right after our dance I actually thought to myself, "what a perfect night" and "there is nothing on earth that can put a damper on this"!  Well be careful what you say, what you think and what you wish for.  Not a minute later, Diane sees a light shining from her purse and it is her phone lighting up!  It wasn't ringing because she had turned the ringer off for the ceremony.  Who would be calling now?  Everyone who knows us, knows where we are?  She looks at the screen and doesn't know the number.  She answers but can hardly hear so she tries to step to an area where she can hear.  As I see her walking back, her face is literally blank and her mouth is open...... "you are not going to believe who is on the fucking phone" she says!  Who?  "I answered the phone and I didn't know who it was, they asked for you".... Who is on the phone?  Remember a moment ago when I said that nothing or no one could put a damper on the evening, I was wrong!  Here we are, surrounded by some of the finest people put on God's green earth and on the phone is a person who I am now done with!  The world knows I'm done with!  He made it clear he was done with me by writing to anyone who would read that I was a piece of shit, a liar and a scumbag......  I took a moment and thought, do I even allow this person a moment of our time, to do what, cause more havoc or more grief?  Nope, ain't going to happen, not on this day of such beauty and love!  Not a single solitary chance that I would allow anything to take away from what this day was about and what we were all sharing there!  So I offer to you my friends, don't allow anyone to poison times that you will cherish.  Don't allow anyone to poison a day that is average.  Don't allow anyone to poison any day on you.  These days that are given to us are truly a gift, don't ever let anyone ruin that for you!

Vincent and Shelley, thank you for inviting me in to your lives and for allowing me to play such a big role in such a huge part of your lives!  May your love last forever.

HERE IS THE CORRECTION TO THE ABOVE POST.  Thank you Mellissa for putting my ass straight on this.  I was told by so many that you owned liberty wildlife.  I guess you are such a big part that people just assume!  Below is what I received from Missy this morning, she is nothing but class!

Hey there. I need to clrify somethings. I work for Liberty Wildlife. I am the Daily Care Coordinator. I do not own Liberty. It is a Foundation ran by over 300 volunteers and only 5 staff memebers. I am lucky to be one of those staff memebers. We should always acknowledge the volunteers, as they give of their time freely and without malice to assist in helping these beautiful animals survive and heal. Without them Liberty Wildlife would not be. Its like the 4 -LLHR. I must acknowledge the village it takes for all the amazing animals in heal. Thank you so much for all your praise. You are an amazing man and we Lov Jack and Diane. I would love to set up a personal release with you and your wife when you have time. M

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back,
 The Man off your Ass
and love with all you can give.

Your friend,
Jack Shit


  1. You are an incredible Man Jack.. and even thought I don't know Diane well I can feel that she a beautiful soul that belongs nowhere else but by your side just as you belong by hers.... I thank you for being my friend and love the bond we have made over the last 8 months. Our wedding ceremony was spot on and that is because of you. It would be a shame if you don't do another but Shelley and I will be honored to know that we are the last couple you join in marriage. We cant thank you enough for coming into our lives. Vincent Rollen

  2. Great blog, and great goal, to make people laugh.
    BTW linking is easy, if I can do it anyone can believe me.
    1. put name of link eg Jack Shit...
    2. open up another page with your blog
    3. copy the address (will turn blue)
    4. run curser across Jack Shit
    5. a little link icon will pop up the copied address.
    Done, easy
    Keep on keepin on!