A little JACK SHIT LOS O PHY

If you never go to the doctor

you will never ever be sick!

... at least that is what my father always said.  We would laugh each time but damn it if he wasn't right!

I can't tell you how many times we would hear this from him.  Dad, the engine hood fell down and latched with your hands caught in there, you need to go to the doctor.... WHY, I ain't sick?  I am injured and all I need is some ice and to walk it off.... remember that one folks, your father or coach would slap you on the ass and just say, c'mon son, just walk it off!

Well for the past few weeks, I have been "walking it off" and instead of ice, I have been loading up on anti-biotic!  I got so many messages from you guys when I pulled the disappearing act a few weeks back and I haven't been on here to write since.  For those of you who wrote all those amazing messages, thank you so much for your concern.  For those of you that wrote the violent hate mail style ones, I am especially sorry to you guys!  No, I won't let it happen again without letting you know why!  I hope in the time that I was gone, you took some time to check out the list of blogs that I love to read over on the right side of my page...

Some of you have somewhat of an idea of how sick I was, others not, so let me tell you now what happened and it once again lends proof to my dear departed dad's Jack Fitzlosophy!  As you guys know, I will do any thing that is asked of me if it is within my ability to do it for you and on a few occasions even when it wasn't if a friend truly needs me.  I got a call from my dear Brother Adam... he said hey man, on such and such a date, can you take me to the dentist office?  I got some real trouble going on here and I have to have it dealt with right away.  It's bad enough that they have to knock me out completely to do it!  Holy shit, of course I'll do it.  Well thank God that he called the night before because I had clean forgotten about it!  The other reminder I received the day before was from my doctor telling me that I had to be at their office at the same time.  Of course, I cancelled my appointment and took my buddy.  They treated him like a child and insisted that they meet me and talk to me about the "procedure" for picking up my friend.  For any of those who are wondering, yes, Adam listed in the space for; In case of emergency call? _________________.  He wrote Jack Shit!  They took one look at him and just shook their heads, he said "no really", call Jack Shit. 

I thought it so funny when he told me this that when we walked in to the office he said to the woman behind the desk in Adam's soft and gentle way, " this is fuckin Jack Shit, I told ya".  I leaned on the counter when I talked to them, then I touched the door handle, opened the door and left.  Be back in an hour and a half, "okay" I said.  Fourty five minutes later they call early and tell me to come get him.  I got there and they walked him out the door and he was high as a kite, out of his mind and by the look in his eyes, still anesthetized.  I grabbed on to him and along with the "gas man" walked him to my truck.  I touched all kinds of shit in that office.  Got him back to his house safe and sound and dropped him off and headed home myself.  Within 12 - 16 hours of stepping through the door of that dentist office, I began to feel a little bit of pressure up in my sinus'.  I was in the garage rubbing aluminum polish on the front wheel of the FXRS and blown away as with each wipe away of the polish I realized that the wheels were shiny, really shiny.  I thought I had gotten a headache from leaning over for a few hours and I went to bed and I slept like a baby!

At 8:15 am I rolled over and yawned big and loud and with that, it felt like someone jammed an ice pick straight up into the center of my very back upper tooth.  In an instant I shot up and out of bed....  It hurt so bad that all I can say is that imagine if you took a toothpick and opened your mouth really wide, placed it up and down between your top and bottom teeth and bit hard down and it shot straight up through the top of your mouth and right up and in to the brain!  I was walking around in fast circles in my bed room and talking to God and doing it out loud!  I have some damage in that tooth from the last time some idiots kicked me in the face.  We had eaten P.F. Changs the night before and thought that maybe a piece of rice or some super spicy chunk of food lodged in there.... I grabbed my electric tooth brush and raced to another bath room.  I didn't want the noise to wake up the lil woman!  I loaded that bitch up with tooth paste and dug in with a fury.  I was like that old janitor with the floor waxer and buffer just making endless circles around the tooth, the gums, the top of my mouth etc.  In an instant, the pain was gone.... I rinsed out my mouth and put my finger in and ran it along the gum line... in horror I thought, what the fuck was that?  It felt like part of the tooth had broken right through the side of the gums.... oh boy!  As I walked back to my bed room with zero pain or discomfort all I could say was thank you God for that quick hook up.  Wow, I really dodged a bullet with that one, whew!  I crawled back in bed and got in to spoon position with my girl and closed my eyes with deep fear wondering, why did it stop hurting?    I was awoken not 20 minutes later and for the next 9 days I would never again have to worry as to why it stopped hurting again! 

I grabbed my trusty bottle of water from my night stand and figured I will give my mouth a good "swishing"  SWEET BABY JESUS was that the incorrect answer..... as two big fat ky jelly sized tear drops rolled down my left cheek, one from the eye, past my chin and down my neck, immediately to be followed by one more.  I grabbed on to the granite on the vanity and squeezed as hard as I could muster.  It hurt so bad that I pictured myself crushing it like Graham crackers! 

As the insanity of that blinding pain subsided, I was facing the mirror and watched my eyes open wide like I had just seen the light that very moment that I heard my father's voice sound off in my head, IF YOU DON'T GO TO THE DOCTOR YOU WON'T EVER GET SICK!  I went to the dentist's office and now I have a massive tooth problem, MOTHER FUCKER!  I grabbed my trusty bottle of pain meds and like I was in Vegas at the black jack table, I doubled down!  First it hurt to lay down, so I sat up.  Then it hurt to sit up so I compromised and laid down with my head propped up.  Each would work for a few hours and the combo of the pain and the pills, I would just drift off to sleep as soon as the pain eased!  Each time the pain returned, I changed positon.  I knew that it was infected because of the way I had such pain in my sinus.  Here is a tid bit of info you may or may not know; you can not be made numb when the area is infected.  I knew what I had to do.

I grabbed my trusty bottle of long expired over the border Mexican Anti-biotic!  500 mg, hell, I better start with three of those....  I did that twice to jolt my system and then two at a time for another day and then one every six hours.  Beat the infection and ease the pain and then get it fixed.  I was a man with a plan.  I'll just keep busy.  I will go in the garage and work on the FXRS and get that bitch cleaned up.  I was after all blown away by what I found under her grease and grime.  I would do that for a while, get some pain, take a pill and then do it for a bit longer.  That lasted for the first evening and part of the next morning.  I was so completely exhausted from the walk to my garage that I couldn't hold my arms up.  Back to bed and that is where I stayed for 6 days!  I would walk to the toilet to pee and have to take a 4 hour nap from the effort!  I could not eat, I could only take little baby sips of water and each time I tilted my head back to do it my heart would race just a little bit more from the anticipation and I braced myself just in case a single drop of water made it to the other side of my mouth and hit the wide open exposed ROOT! 

Days passed and it only got worse, not better.  My wife pleaded with me to come sit out on the couch and at least let her change the sheets so I would be more comfy.  Yeah, she is a damn saint, I swear!  The thirty steps to my couch were more than I could handle and I just sat on the couch unable to open my eyes.  On the morning of the 5th day, I realized that I hadn't even so much as turned my computer on in nearly a week, it was sitting on the table right next to me and I didn't feel like I had the strength to pick up my lap top.  If Pam Anderson had come to her senses and decided to take me up on that offer I had made to her just 3 weeks before in Trader Joe's, sent me an email and said take me now, I would never have known nor did I care to.  I was in trouble and fading fast.  All the while, riding the waves of, holy shit I am so cold to wanting to pull my hair out just to cool off my head and so it went on and on until the chest pain began.  I could hear every one's voices playing back in my head of the stories they told me about uncles, cousins, parents and things they had seen on television about people dying from tooth infections or at the very least having suffered strokes from them and becoming paralyzed!  We made an appointment the next morning for the dentist, there was no waiting for the infection to subside.... I didn't care if they cut it out with a chain saw, fuck it, take them all and take them now!  That is if I could make it through the night without heading to the emergency room! 

If you don't go to the doctor, you won't ever be sick!

It just kept playing over and over in my head....by God, my father was right. 

I could tell that the dentist wanted to slap me when I told him about how I had treated myself with expired, smuggled Mexican Anti-biotic.  Hell, looking back now, I wonder if they were even for humans or if they were for chickens because that is what I was and they were not doing shit to help me!  So just yesterday, I finished the last of my Z Pak and the infection is down if not gone.  I have gotten most of my energy back and I am even able to stand long enough to package all of those I know Jack Shit shirts that you guys ordered.  Thank you again by the way for all of the orders, you guys are incredible and it seems that they are once again, A HUGE HIT with everyone who's mail brings them a little something special from their pal Jack Shit.... perhaps now you can see what the delay was in "our shipping department", the entire department had a horrible toothache!  The damn tooth is still in my head.  I am debating on telling you here now why but don't want to run the risk of this thing running on and on.  I will this about the situation though.  Upon leaving the dentist office with my NEW prescription for some NEW fresh American medicine, the nice lady behind the counter was kind enough to create a plan of treatment as I asked.  On it, it put in to columns the cost of each and every thing right down I believe to the ink used to print the fucking invoice.  The left column listed the item, the next what my cost was, the following to was what the insurance picked up, they were all blank and then the final column of what it would cost with no insurance.  This I did not understand but hey, it was half the price in the first column then it was in the last.  Luckily for me, the first column was mine.  About 3 days after leaving, I get a message on my phone as I am still incapable of speaking to anyone without coming off like a complete jerk off.  The message played and it was; hello, John?  Terry from the Tooth Fairy's office I have a bit of a problem with the estimate that I gave you.  I seem to have left out a few lab fees.  I must re neg on that offer of services.  I have the new information all ready so please give me a call.  Now it's not as good as the price I gave you that you "loved so much".  Thank you and have a nice day.  Lab fees?  Price I loved so much?  Was this bitch inhaling the nitros oxide at the office?  WTF?  So I call, give them a fax number and ask them to send it over.  Yes, the price was in fact incorrect.  Including the new code for the insurance company, the new total was double!  Yes, double the original quote.   This nice lady was only off in her quote by 100%.  Can you imagine telling your clients, oh, I'm sorry, the quote was off by a small percentage, oh that's okay,  by how much?  Oh, well, uh, you see, uhmmmm  100%!  I thought my head was going to explode.  Needless to say, the tooth or teeth or jaw bone or whatever the hell else that was giving me all the trouble, is still an original equipment installed option in my mouth!  I am just grateful that I pay all that money for insurance and it covers, wait, let me see, just doing some math here, yes, getting the total now...... NOTHING! 

So then, as your friend and some one who cares deeply for all of you, I have only one thing to say to you, take care of yourself and whatever you do,

DON'T EVER GO TO THE DOCTOR!