It's been a good ride so far!

Since I was just a kid all I have ever wanted to do was to make people laugh or just smile. As a child, an educator sent a note home to my parents. It read; If your son thinks he is going to get through life making people laugh he is in for a RUDE AWAKENING! He is not living up to his potential. WELL, I'M STILL NOT! But at this site you will at least see me try. From the heart, thank you for even being interested, it means the world to me. I always say, I have not a single fan but many a friend!



Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I awoke Broke, Sticky and Battered

Never the Fuck Again
Till the Next Time !

So I got to thinking about the things that happen in life while eating a huge piece of PF Changs, Great Wall of Choclate Cake tonight. With another birthday having just passed and the years seeming to be closer to the end of my life than the beginning, it really gets the wheels turning. Each year we try to out do the last and make each birthday celebration more insane. Every once in a while you have one of those birthdays that you only remember bits and pieces of. You awake to find yourself safely in your own bed or at the very least on your own bathroom floor. It takes a few moments for the crusty camel shit that has formed overnight in your mouth to break free and then the first thought creeps in and it is simply, "What the Fuck Happened Last Night?!?! You look over at your night stand and see that your keys and your cash are sitting there and you actually speak out loud and say, "Oh Thank God"! With a sly little smile you ease your 165lb head back onto the stack of pillows that includes a pillow, your leather jacket, a bottle of Jack Daniels, half full (see how I said half full there, that is because I am feeling very positive right now), your trusty handgun wedged in the middle and more than likely one item that has no reason on this planet earth to be in bed with you much less out of the barn...... and you think what the hell are all of these feathers from? That's when the fear begins to set in and your thoughts immediately start to race from glimpses of slamming shots, to whiffin up lines off a pair of Phillipino strippers thighs and remembering someone, you don't know who asking you "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU"? After the first 5 to 10 minutes of the smoke clearing from the explosion that you created in your brain, you turn to your side to see if your ol lady is even there. She is? Okay, well this is a good sign at the very least. She may be furious with you, but she is still sleeping in the same bed. This gives you the confidence to know that at least you are not getting out of bed to hire an attorney, or at least you think your not.That little smile starts to grow a bit wider and the sides of your mouth crackle with the movement and you pick some nasty ass crud from the corner of your mouth and you think when the hell did I have sunny side up eggs? Slowly the confusion leads to other unpleasant thoughts and you begin to come to the realization that some things about the previous evening may not be so clear in the memory. You reach slowly down into your pants to see if any parts of you are sticky and when they aren't you are both relieved and sadly disappointed at the same time. Your kidneys not only hurt like you were kicked by Chuck Liddel but are so over filled with toxins that you can neither kneel or stand to empty them and you honestly think to yourself about pissing right there in the bed. You quickly realize this will lead to divorce for sure! The next thought comes from the devil inside you who is still high as a kite from all of the ingested poisons and it makes complete and total sense. If she does leave me, I can piss on this side of the bed and still sleep on the now vacant other side. By some stroke of genius you realize that this is not a winning proposition. This isn't a head ache that any old advil is going to fix so you rifle through your pillow (leather jacket) to find the bottle of Percocet that you filled just the afternoon before and you realize that there are only three left. If I took 27 percocets, how the hell does my head hurt this bad? Too much thought involved in this. As your head rests gently on your pillow again you realize that it is vibrating and think, humm, maybe it wasn't such a bad night after all. But no, it is your phone and it won't stop. 5 new messages? At 7am, who in their right mind would ever think you would be up at that hour?A little while goes by and you can't fall back to sleep because you are now beginning to get some small visions of questionable acts that you remember but are sure it must have been someone else who did that. You dial your voice mail and each message begins the same way with the person leaving it laughing for a about a minute and then leaving a message like "I can't fuckin wait till next year", and "dude, I hope to god you made it home and your alive, call me". A few messages you can't even make out who they are from because they are laughing so hard. This does not help the way you are feeling and now the thoughts of puking are stronger than the urge to piss so you get up and scale the walls down the hallway to the shitter. You realize your not going to puke and you turn to head back and think, "what the hell is that sticking out of my boots"? You approach slowly with intrepidation because as you get closer you come to grips with the fact that your boots have syringes sticking out of them. The truly scarey part is they are not for use on humans but look more like they are made for artificially inseminating a water buffalo. A chill goes down your spine as you see one is half empty (see how I'm not so positive anymore) and is filled with some coagulating red liquid. You pull it from the boot and wonder if you told someone last night that you were a doctor and tried to perform some type of medical procedure. Oddly, it doesn't really smell that bad. You hold it up to your mouth and come to the conculsion that it is still (half filled) with vodka flavored jello and think hair of the dog and put the tip in your mouth and push the plunger with gusto. Momentarily your body feels AHHHH then is immediately followed by the urgent need to puke again. A short while later, the little woman wakes up, goes and grabs a RockStar out of the fridge and stands in the doorway of the room and just shakes her head at you in disgust. Your head cocks to one side like a puppy hearing a funny sound for the first time and you look at her with sad sad eyes, she shakes her head and walks away. Not another word is spoken. A few hours go bye and you get an occasional comment like "sure hope you had fun last night" and "I hope you are planning on going to confession"? You slunk away! You sneak into your computer and pull up the local news paper websites to see if any body is LOOKING FOR YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW? When you see that no mention in the morning news is of any concern to you a wave of relief begins to embrace your soul. Now that you feel a little bit better you come to grips with the fact that those last three Percocets are never going to last till next month, so, why not just take them now? You poke your head out and take a peek to see if the lil woman is there like I am sure General Custre did as he looked down the hill for Indians. Coast is clear. As the morning after turns into evening you are so happy that you survived and haven't been to jail that you actually think about going out again that night. The blood in your urine suggests that perhaps you should take the night off. You feel the phone vibrate and you pick it up with no intention of answering and speaking to anyone and it's a text. You also notice that there is a file attached. Ut Oh! Terror slowly starts a tornado in your stomach as you click on Download Attachment. The picture slowly scrolls down the screen like you are opening documents from NASA. It's a photo. It's not too bad, looks like you were having fun and not hurting anyone. Oddly though, up until a moment ago, you had no recolection of that event having transpired? The next message arrives and it's the same thing. It is a picture and you are wearing tampons for earings and are utterly relieved that at least they were not used. Didn't remember that either? More photos come! A BUS? WHEN THE HELL WAS I ON A BUS? You come to the horrifying realization that there is more that you can't remember than you can remember. Yet that's it. A few days later you get the random call from people asking exactly what happend and you proceed to tell them how fucked up THEY were. A week later you are looking for something you lost and while searching you find your digital camera has somehow found it's way into the toaster oven. You hadn't even thought about your own camera since........... since.......... since........... oh shit, you forgot you even had one.YOU TURN THE POWER ON, SCRAPE OFF THE SCHMEGMA THAT HAS HARDENED ON THE SCREEN AND YOU SEE THE PICTURES OF THE EVENING. IF YOU DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOURSELF IN THE PICTURES YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE THAT IT WAS YOU. HERE ARE JUST THREE OF THE PHOTOS THAT POPPED UP ON THE SCREEN........











WELL, I GUESS HINDSIGHT IS 20/20 AND IN THE END, IT SURE COULD HAVE TURNED OUT MUCH WORSE. HERE ARE THE FINAL TALLIES FOR THE EVENING, THERE WERE NO ACCIDENTS (I GUESS THIS IS WHERE THE BUS CAME IN), ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR CAB RIDE, 2 FIGHTS, 1 BROKEN POOL CUE, 1 DOG BITE ON THE RIGHT ANKLE (ME) AND ONLY ONE ARREST (CHARGES STILL PENDING)!!! TOTAL OUT OF POCKET EXPENSE, $2100. Maybe there just shouldn't even be a next time?

Until we see each other down the road somewhere, Keep The Wind In Your Face, Tits In Your Back and The Man Off Your Ass..............

Jackshit

3 comments:

  1. Sooo been there! That's why I gave up drugs! The last time I was I woke next to some chick with no hair & a green head plus I was way out in the sticks with no way home! As I gathered my shit hoofed it to the shit hole bar where I think my bike was to my suprize they're it was & the bartender had my keys too! Never again! Now drinking that's diffrent me & Jack are good friends!

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  2. Was laughing so hard and loud that others in the house heard...then I had to share you with them. lol...keep my bedtime stories coming Jack!

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