The end of decent literature!

If the event that has just taken place had happened a few thousand years ago, one might surmise that this is what wiped the Mayan people off of planet earth.  Fast forward a few thousand years and one could reasonably draw the conclusion that this is the cause for "global climate change" if in fact it really even exists.  This release had to be timed to come after the holidays so that they would not be ruined for children and adults alike for all time.  What was this event?  What was released upon the world to create such chaos and fear?

Probably not what you were thinking right?  Many of you know George for different reasons like, his world famous motorcycle, the Leaky Latowski, his mind blowing original oil paintings, his warm and fuzzy personality perhaps or for most it is George's writing that sets him galaxies apart from the relatively normal folks in society.  Hell, it distances him from the lunatics of the world who read his writing and say "that fucker is nuts"!  Many, like myself actually got to meet and know George having never read a single word that he has written, only finding out later that he was even a writer with a huge loyal following.  Once you find out that George is a writer and you get your first taste of his personal brand of ______________,  you can't seem to get enough.  You've got to be asking why there is a blank space there?  I don't know what to call what he does and I would hate to even attempt to label it, so I leave it up to you to do that.  The thing I have heard from people once they have found his writing is how much they would have loved to have been able to read his earlier work.  Here is that chance.  George always said that his writing, his monthly column in The Horse Back Street Choppers was at best, good for taking a dump and at the very best, two dumps.  There is something special that comes from being the person who is responsible for giving the world great bowel movements and she should be very proud of that!

If you go to this fucking page right here, you can order your book now!  The name of the page is AMERICAN MOTHERFUCKER . COM and I could not imagine a more accurate name for a website for George.  If you order now, not only will you get the first run, first edition of this book but you will get your book signed by the man himself.  Who knows, knowing GTP, you never know what he will sign his name in?  Will it be 50 wt motor oil?  Will it be feces?  Maybe he will sign your book in blood?  The odds are that it will be plain ol' ink but hey, you just never know!  If you've never had the chance to enjoy the ramblings of this great American artist now is your shot!  Get them while the getting is good!  Tell him when ya order that your pal Jack Shit sent ya and you will get absolutely nothing extra for doing it!!!!  While you are on the site, check out his amazing work on canvas in oil and hell, buy some of that shit too!  There is only so much Dinty Moore beef stew that one man can eat before he snaps!  This book is yet another lifestyle book from the great folks at Wolfgang Publications, make sure to check them out and see the other titles they have offered to our community!

Until we see each other on the road again;

keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back and
The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

GTP LIGHTS OUR FIRE!

It's the very first time that we remember the most, isn't that what everyone always says?  You never forget your first?  Do you remember some of these milestones in your life?  The first time a chick fell for the "I'll just put the tip in" line or the first time you tried with all your heart and soul to walk in the house shit faced drunk and convince your parents that someone must have dosed you because you would never drink or the first time that your girl leaned over while you were driving and put her head in your lap or the first time you were out deep in the woods in the dead of winter at keg party and your girl and her best friend get in an argument over who gives the best head and decide that this debate must be settled right there and then?  The first time you were released from the back of a police car and the cop said, "now get the fuck out of here or next time I catch you, I'LL CALL YOUR FATHER", the first time you got the front wheel up on a motorcycle and you rode that shit out and didn't crash your buddies bike doing it or the first time you took a chance, went for it and didn't hear, WRONG HOLE, WRONG HOLE, WRONG HOLE!!!!  Ah yes, so now we are on the same page of those special times we all hold so dear in our hearts and in our memory!

Tonight was one of those special nights I won't soon forget!  It's Christmas time and I have to admit coming into the season, I was one miserable ass som bitch!  Somehow we managed to salvage the holiday and it actually turned out pretty decent.  On Christmas day, George the Painter jumped on his Leaky Latowski and rode down the mountain from Payson to come join us in our celebration of the birth of Baby Jesus.... or perhaps he took the ride because he was going bat shit crazy up there all by himself, we may never actually know the truth!  Since we were in the spirit of the day, we decided to make one of Diane's wishes come true.  We've lived in our house now for 3 years and one of the reasons we chose this house was the fact the home had two gorgeous fireplaces!  Oh the fantasies that those things inspired in us.... well 3 years have gone by and till this day, we've never lit the fireplace in our bed room or in our family room.  Well wish no more!  Today I sent GTP up on to the roof like god damned Spiderman to unblock the flue while all the neighbors wondered who that skinny prick was on my roof yelling down, it looks clear to me, but it has a bend in it!!!  Shine the flashlight up the hole!  Oh yeah, I don't think my heavily Mormon populated hood had any idea what hit them!  They must have thought the biker scum were filming another dirty movie at the house on the corner!  So we did it, we lit the fireplace for the first time ever and Diane has a big ass happy smile on her face!

If I would have had any idea that if you do what she wants and things that make her happy, she busts my balls a whole lot less and I GET REWARDED!!!  That video WILL NOT follow!

Until we see each other on the road again;

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

I CAN CHECK THIS ONE RIGHT OFF MY BUCKET LIST! NEXT ITEM PLEASE!

THIS POST HAS CHANGED SLIGHTLY FROM ITS ORIGINAL FORM AS FOR SOME REASON, AN ENTIRE PARAGRAPH HAS DISAPPEARED SOMEHOW.  I TOLD YOU I NEVER READ THIS SHIT, I JUST CLICK PUBLISH POST!

Quite simply, I'm not a man with big hopes or grandiose dreams.  There are very few things that I hope and pray for.  Mostly, if I'm having a one on one with the big man up in the stars, I just ask for him to make Diane's burden less!  I do however still have a list of things that I'd like to do before I die, that's not so selfish right?  I don't announce to the world what those things are because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me if I don't achieve them.  I'll stick with only Diane feeling sorry for me each time that I pull my pants down.  Well, I guess that may be the only time she feels sorry for herself as well.  This past weekend, I got to take my big fat imaginary sharpie and cross an item right off of my mental bucket list.  I would actually write it down on paper but I'd be afraid someone would find it and it would be evidence enough to show intent and I would be locked up forever, so for now, it stays locked up in the only place that I can stay out of trouble, in my mind!

A few weeks ago, I had toyed with the idea of making this item happen but as our luck and our life would happen, we got nailed with a few unexpected expenses and they were each close to a grand.   By the grace of God, we had the funds on hand to cover them but it wiped us out of "screw around" money.  Hell, this one almost took us back to Ramen Noodles for a few days, luckily it did not.  A few dinner invitations and a little fasting and we made it through!  It looked like it wasn't going to happen and I was okay with that.  It's not like I had hard plans and after all, it's not called a bucket list item for nothing, right?  There is always next year!  It is an annual event and if the world does not come to a crashing halt on 12/21/12, then the odds are good that this event will still continue.  It was only a few days out when I got the call from a friend....  "hey man, I was thinking bout having GTP come up to Milwaukee to shoot some pics and paint a portrait of me and my brothers before I leave the country".  Part of me was instantly a little tiny bit jealous but nearly all of me was thrilled for GTP, really, I swear!  I told him that I thought that it was a great idea and that I'm sure he would love the end result.

His next statement hit me smack in the nuts.  He said "why don't you come with him"?  I would love to, of course I would love to.  I'd only been talking about it for A FEW FUCKING YEARS, but I could not, money was far too tight".  "Doesn't George need someone to help him and hold the flash or carry his cameras around or something"?  Well, yes, I do believe he does....  WELL THEN, THAT SETTLES IT, you are coming too, I could use the extra Sky Miles!  I sat stunned.  I tried, I honestly tried to talk him out of it.  I am really great at being a giver, I love it but I am really bad at receiving gifts and the more generous they are, the harder it is for me to take!  No for an answer was not going to be taken, I too was on my way to Milwaukee!  Right now, you have to be thinking, what kind of twisted sick fuck would have going to Milwaukee in the winter on a bucket list?  Well this twisted sick fuck would and in a second, you will understand why!

So your friend Jack Shit, the comedian, the host, the writer was now Jack Shit, camera case holder and designated drunk passenger and I would not have had it any other way.  We began our travel day on just about 2 hours sleep.  I think GTP got an hour more than me but hey, the little woman wanted to say goodbye, ya hear what I'm saying?  The looks on the faces of the people in the airport as the two of us fucktards made our way through were priceless.  The look on the TSA agents faces when we passed security screening without so much as a cavity search even greater!  You just know that they wanted a piece of us!  I knew it as I watched as the people in front of us passed through the metal detector and nobody even looked at them.  They just stared at us as they snapped their latex gloves on to their hands!  But we showed them.  We hid all the dope in a little old lady's bag that went right before us and then we pick pocketed it right back after we passed security!  Okay, we didn't do that, George did!  We had to fly to Minneapolis where we would have a layover for a bit over an hour and then hop on to our final destination.  The question was, what would we do with that time?  The answer?  Run like mother fuckers through the airport!  Our plane was late and now this!  Picture two crippled old bikers running for their lives, dragging briefcases and camera bags as fast as our busted backs could go.  Imagine the sight of us running down the moving sidewalks?  It was not pretty but people sure did move out of our way!  We made it to the next plane as they were boarding, the Universe was kind this day and had delayed the connecting flights arrival.  George and I make friends every where we go if you can believe that.

Brother Mario was going to meet us just past the last TSA Checkpoint.  Lo and behold, he sees a friend and the guys first words to him were, "I think two of your friends were on my flight"?  Really?  How do you know?  "I just know" was his answer.  Sure as shit, IT WAS US!  We stick out like a pig at a Muslim convention!  As we approached he was already laughing and within moments of hearing this we were laughing too.  Right up until the airport doors automatically slid open.  WE WERE NOT LAUGHING ANY MORE!  Remember how I said that the Universe had given us a break?  Well I guess you only get one of those per day.  It was like getting hit with a sledge hammer to the forehead!  I thought that the PA system on the plane was malfunctioning when we landed and the pilot spoke.  Did he say we were at terminal one?  NOPE!  As it turns out, what he had said was, "the current TEMPERATURE IS ONE"!  Yes, that is correct, ONE MOTHER FUCKING DEGREE!  At this very same time, it was 77 degrees in Phoenix, that is a 76 degree temp drop.....  and this is the very first thing that we saw as we landed.

Interesting, our airport does not have white pavement?  As it turns out, neither does Milwaukee!  Brother Mario picked us up and just laughed at us all the way to the truck.  We had planned for cold and we had gone long underwear shopping the night before.  Picture George and I dragging Diane through the stores for this.  I really don't know why she puts up with us?  She just laughed the entire time, especially as I video taped George pulling his pants down in the middle of a store called Dick's.  I guess it just seemed appropriate to him.  I have to admit, it sort of seemed reasonable to me to at the time.  Our first stop on the trip was to a store to load up on beer and then off to Ken and Darlene Baas' house.  If that name sounds familiar to you, that is because it should, that is our dear friend, the one and only Kevin "Teach" Baas' mom and dad!  We were going to hang out in their garage, do some drinking, do some bike talking and just soak in the lovely Wisconsin temps!  On this 80 acre snow covered farm, we were welcomed and treated like family!  These two amazing people have been living this life that we love and building and riding MurderSickles before many of us were even born!  I will go on the record and say this, THESE PEOPLE ARE NOTHING BUT CLASS!  We were going to drop by for a beer or two and wait for Biker Jym to come pick us up.  He would be there in 45 minutes!  As the second 24 pack was opened and we wondered where the hell Jym was, the phone rang.  He was stuck at the bottom of the farm driveway and his four wheel drive was not working!  We are off to help!  Outside we all run and for the first minute, with the lights shining and the snow falling it was just gorgeous.  The way the headlights hit that big old red barn was straight out of a movie.  By minutes two and three, the beauty had long since passed and my nuts were racing up in to my body for some place warm to hide!  I quickly pretended that I was really happy to see Jym and jumped in his truck for some "quality time"!  His four wheel may not be working, but his heater sure as shit was!

Milwaukee Mike was the guest bartender down town at this kick ass lil joint in a row of houses and we were going to see him but first a nice dinner.  We drove back to Mario's place where we were to stay and it was just gorgeous!  The way the house looked with all the fresh snow in front made it look like a post card.  Right then, I knew that having to stay in conditions like this was going to be really rough but I was going to do what I had to do!  Well here, I'll show you and you can judge for yourself just how bad we had it!  I mean don't get me wrong, it wasn't like sleeping in a cardboard box, but close!  We knuckled up and just made the best of it.  For example, I only had 7 pillows on my bed, can you imagine having to spend time under these conditions?

If you see the conditions that we were forced to endure, then I'm sure you can only imagine the meal that we were forced to eat that night as well.  I mean really, Fillet Mignon and Wine?  What are we savages?  We spent the next hour or so looking for kitty litter, that is an entire blog in and of itself, so I will just move on past this subject.  I will however tell you though that it was at exactly 10:04 pm that the heat in the truck suddenly stopped working!  For the fine folks who live there, a mere inconvenience, for us two AZ pussies, you would have thought we were dropped in to a ice filled horse trough!  I stepped outside the truck to smoke and figured it would be so damn cold outside that the truck would feel warm.  It did, for a moment or two.... then, not so much!  As we pulled away, kitty litter in hand, the heat kicked back on!  Back to the house to spend some quality time in the garage while we awaited a few more bar goers.  So now you've seen the squalor like conditions that we have to sleep in, you've heard about the awful food we had to eat, wait till you see the work conditions in the garage.  I mean how are you supposed to function with that big heater blowing over your heads warming the arctic air and allowing your fingers the dexterity to actually hold on to a tool?  I know, awful right?  Then, to add insult to injury we had to get stuck in the middle of the quadrangle of hell between the two Knuckleheads, the Panhead and the fridge full of anything and everything one could ever need to drink while working on bikes.  It was horrible!  Oh yeah, did I tell you that this God awful garage had every tool you could ever imagine?  No?  Then I won't!  Well, see for yourself what we were forced to endure!

 Here is a quick shot I was able to capture of our cruel host!  This was taken right in between beatings!

We finally loaded our sorry asses in to the F 350 and off we went.  To add insult to injury and what nearly ruined the entire trip was when the rear back up camera that is built in to the rear view mirror malfunctioned!  It nearly sent us packing and right back to AZ, but George and I endured!  Hey, it was the very least we could do, right?  We rolled on in to down town, parked and entered the bar which was filled asses to elbows with the greatest people God ever put on this crazy ass planet we live on.  I have to tell you what really chapped my ass was how rude everyone was.  I mean they just walked right up and without even asking permission to touch you, wrapped their arms around you with these big ass bear hugs and would not let go!  It was awful to say the very least!  We arrived around midnight and were going to stay for one drink just to show our support for Milwaukee Mike.  So at 2:15 when we were thrown out of the damn bar by the staff who was equally as horrible as the patrons there was no place left for us to go but home......  oh yeah, there was one place we could go and we decided to do just that.  The plan was set in to motion.  It was a simple plan, "ONE AND WERE DONE".  One drink and we'd be right out the door.  Where did we go you ask?  Well we went to the one and only, world fucking famous, SHED!  Oh yeah bitches, we are in Milwaukee and it is SHED PARTY weekend!  One and done, we are sticking with the plan.  It took about ten minutes from the bar to get there and we left the bar by 2:20 am.  So as we rolled in to the house at 5:15 am we tried to figure out where and when the plan went to hell?  We fired up the plasma cutter and cut our names in to a nice piece of steel that will be leaving the country for Amsterdam.  6 am and we are still awake.  We are now up for with the exception of the 2 hours of sleep, somewhere near 45 or so hours and I am loving it!

We had HUGE PLANS for the next day.  Saturday night was the Shed Party.... holy shit, I'm in Milwaukee for the Shed Party!  I won't cross it off the bucket list quite yet as I haven't quite made it to the party, but damn, this is the closest I've ever come to attending.  We were going to go spend the day at the Harley Museum, then go over and see Warren's shop and visit Lil Ben, pick up a trailer at the Shed and bring it back to pick up Mario's knuckle, what could go wrong?  Well, I guess quite a bit when you put GTP and I in charge of it and you don't go to bed until 7 am.  We did make it to see Warren and Lil Ben so screw the museum.  I didn't want to be that jerkoff with the camera just snapping away but man oh man, the shop was just awful!  Here we are again, having to deal with these sub human conditions.  Yet another shop where I have no earthly idea of how anyone could ever get anything done.  I mean with distractions like the "break room" with it's bar and pool table if my memory serves me correctly, right on down to the photo studio and the second story line up of gorgeous bikes for all to have to suffer through viewing!  I mean Jesus, here is another place where you just can't walk straight through, you have to step around a Panhead here and a Norton there and oh, well, I guess you get the idea.  All the other things that make these places miserable like one off tanks and helmets hanging on the walls and from the rafters!  I won't go crazy showing you pictures because I don't want you guys to have to suffer as we did but I will share with you the truly hard to endure moments and things that were particularly painful to witness.

Like I said, just terrible.  We were running out of time and like Cinderella, I had to get GTP to the ball!  It was the night of the one and only SHED PARTY and I was excited like a school girl on prom night!  All we had to do was drive back to the house, get the camera and head back to the SHED.  What could possibly go wrong?  All we had to do was follow the GPS in the truck, it's technology, it could never lead us astray!  Well I guess that would be true if had someone not changed the settings to avoid freeways!  So we had only about 40 or so miles to go, roughly 30 minutes on the freeway.  Oh yeah, that's right, we never got to see one of them.  40 miles, traffic light to traffic light to traffic light.  Did I also forget to mention that not one person on those surface streets ever drives more than 35 mph?  We arrived back at the house and I hadn't torn the steering wheel off with my bare hands so we had that going for us.  Our plan for a couple long hot showers, fresh change of clothes and maybe even a nap turned in to running through the house, changing socks and shirt, grabbing the cameras, running down stairs, out to the driveway, smoke a cigarette as fast as humanly possible and then jump right back in to the truck!  We outsmarted the GPS by not using the one in the truck!  I waited until after we got on the freeway and used my phone to get us there.  SHED PARTY 2012, here we come!  Eat your hearts out world!  We made it on time, George got everyone lined up for the portrait shot and the evening got under way in style.  You guys ready for what happened next?  Do you want to hear what happened on the night that I got to cross off a long over due item on my bucket list?

I bet you do, but what happens at the SHED PARTY stays at the fucking SHED PARTY!  So sorry but that's how it goes!  I can tell you that it was hands down, one of the greatest parties that I have ever been to in my life held at one of the coolest places that I have ever been at, where I was invited by people who I love.  I was welcomed like family and treated even better.  I had bruises on my back from the hugs and back slaps that I was lucky enough to receive all weekend long.  One day, maybe you too will be invited to the SHED!  Maybe? 

Roughly shy of 7 years ago, the Milwaukee crew rode their crazy choppers right on in to our lives and in to our hearts and they will remain there until the day that I die.  This party was more than just an annual offering to the demons, it was so much more.  Jimmy Giggles was leaving Milwaukee to make a fresh start in Virginia and it is hands down the right thing to do.  Brother Mario is leaving, wait, correct that, has already left to live in Amsterdam for a few years!  This party was both a welcome to the SHED and a going away for brothers who helped to make the SHED the world famous place that it is today!  A place where legendary bikes roll out, legendary people roll in and LOVE, LOYALTY, HONOR AND RESPECT are not just words but a way of life!  They are a family, a brotherhood and a world unto itself!  I will forever cherish what we share as friends and brothers and do all I can to only make what we share the very best it can be.  I am honored that these crazy fuckers welcomed me in to their home, their house, their lives!  I no longer have to worry about making it one day to the SHED PARTY as a bucket list item but just when do I book my flight for the next one!  This party has gone from my attending being a dream to having a place forever etched in to my calender!  I can't thank everyone in Milwaukee enough for the hospitality and the generosity that you showed to me.  I never forget these things, ever!  I'd run down a list of those names, but that would be evidence that others were there.

I know you are saying to yourself, I can't believe that this prick made us read all this shit and then gave us no details of the party and no pics either!  Well if you are thinking that you are right, I will not post any pics and I won't write a single detail.  I am however working on the SHED PARTY MOVIE so keep your eyes out for that, it's coming soon!  DID YOU FUCKERS REALLY THINK THAT I WOULD LET YOU DOWN?  C'mon, it's your pal Jack Shit.... I'd never do that to you!  I'll let you know when the movie is done!

Again, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart to all of you lunatics in that frozen tundra known as Milwaukee, THANK YOU!  Now I have replaced this item with the Knuckle Shuffle on that Bucket list of mine.... who knows, I may just make a spring time return!

Until we meet on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Lives are still being lost at the OK Corral!

The location of quite possibly the most famous gunfight in history was also the location for two dear friends to give their lives this past weekend as well.   Their single lives at least!  What seems like forever ago, perhaps it was on New Year's day, my dear friends Porn and Ilise asked if I would perform their wedding ceremony.  How could I not?  I have seen so many great couples that have thrown it all away by getting married but this was not the first for either of one of them so I figured they knew best!  Normally I at least try to talk a couple out of getting married.  I use every argument I can to do it too!  Now you are probably thinking, how does a guy who is with his girl for nearly 26 years bash marriage?  Why would you try to talk people out of what you are so happy with?  The answer to that is very simple.  I like to hear them defend the idea of why they are getting married.  The harder they fight, the better the chance that it will work out and the deeper the love.  Ya get it now?  IT'S A TRICK!

I've been going pretty hard since August and Sturgis and September was not much different.  I have events, weddings and rallies booked for each and every single weekend and I am bouncing from town to town and state to state.  Along with performing, writing and the other silly things I do with my life, I've also been, as you know, involved in the renovation work on yet another property.  Of all the things that I've been up to, you would think being involved in the bike world would be the most dangerous part of it all right?  Running helmetless at 100 mph would surely lead to disaster at worst or a few real good injuries at the least.  Walking in to the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people and there is always the chance you may not be walking out!  Hell, living in the city where I live now, there is the chance of getting hurt in a mugging or hit by a drunk driver.  None of that has happened to me yet but I did get hurt pretty bad.  I got hurt how most hardcore rigid chopper riders get hurt real bad............  moving boxes of tile!  I twisted the wrong way as I was picking up a box of 18" tile and literally heard my back pop like bubble wrap!  I was frozen in place, still bent over, still holding the box of tile and I could not move!  I had hoped that within a day or two it would ease up and I could make the ride down to Tombstone or as I call it, Doombstone!  Well that didn't happen and I only got worse and worse as the days led up to the wedding.  This was nearly the very first wedding that I ever cancelled out on but I could not, I gave my word!  I could not only NOT ride a bike, I could not sit on a toilet, I was a mess!  I was screwed and then our hero entered the picture, GTP and his PIMP BLIMP saved the day!

I never thought that I would hear myself say this, hell, much less ever hear anyone else ever say it, but here it is; THANK GOD FOR GEORGE THE PAINTER!  There, I said it.  Sure a little bit of bile shot up in the back of my mouth as I said it but the burning in the back of my throat was worth it!  GTP showed up early in the morning, helped me load my shit in to the Pimp Blimp and got it all set up to carry a crippled ass Minister the 200 miles down to Doombstone!  It's not often, as a matter of fact it is actually quite rare that if I am in a cage that I am not the one driving.  I like to be in control and being a passenger makes me tense to say the least.  This could very well be the first time that I've ever been in a vehicle with George driving so I had no idea of his skills.  Every ripple in the road, each bump and each time the brakes were applied it was like being tasered!  My knee was blown out and my sciatic nerve was electrocuting me!  I thought I was going to just plain pass out.  Pain killer and muscle relaxers, one after the other like M&M's were the only thing that helped me make it through the ride down.  All that I could think of was getting out of that car!  The pills kicked in, I found a comfy position with pillows, braces and ice packs and a little Kid Rock on the cd player and I was relaxing.  Being a passenger is kind of cool, you get to see things you normally wouldn't.  You get to capture those things on camera that otherwise you wouldn't be able to.  For example;

Since I had the camera out, I figured I may as well capture the trip for posterity so I turned it on George and myself.  So we are driving 90 mph in a 75 ft. long wagon and I start snapping away.  I couldn't turn my hips, I couldn't turn my head and I could barely lift my arms.  I snapped a pic to see how it would line up and was stunned when I realized this car had a very special feature!

The Pimp Blimp has a rear sun roof!  Who knew?  I guess this was meant to help keep the kids quiet long before dvd players and video games were in each of the head rests!  Had I not taken this picture, I would have never known it was there!  This luxury vehicle has now grown even more luxurious!  Since I was taking pics, I had to capture the driver passenger shot.  I didn't think I would be able to get us both in but sure as shit I could.  Because of the horrible spasms in my back, it took two or three shots to get just the right one.  Now picture me, shaking like a junkie who is 2 days without a fix and GTP looking at the camera and smiling, but we are on the 10 in Arizona, one of the most busy and dangerous roads in the country as you can witness by looking at the news from yesterday of the multiple, 20+ car wrecks.  So here we are flying down the highway, me snapping away and us laughing like fucktards when just as I hit the shutter we realize that the Jeep Cherokee in front of us has all but come to a stop.  You can all but see it in his face!

You are probably thinking "hey, wait, I thought you said George was driving"?  He was!  The phone has two cameras.  One is forward and the other rear.  I never realized that the rear camera shoots backwards until this day when I started getting all kinds of crazy messages. 

After a quick stop at Wendy's for lunch and the hardware store for dog food, yes, that is what I said, don't ask, it is just how it works down there I guess, we rolled on in to Doombstone!  I guess in the town that is too tough to die, somethings just never change.  I had not been there since Jan. 1st of this year and as we pulled in to the Circle K store, I am pretty sure that the very same people were waiting on line.  Not that they were the same customers, I mean they were still waiting on the very same line as they were 10 months ago.  Service at the Circle K is well, FUCKING SLOW to say the very least!  As we turned in to the Porn compound, we could see all of the folding chairs nicely lined up along the property for wedding guests to sit and relax on.  Of course as we drove in, George promptly crashed in to and drove over them at high speed.  It was really funny to everyone but me because he had to slam on the brakes to keep from crashing in to the building and the pain that it caused me was indescribable!  For the record though, it was funny as shit!

As you can see in the video, the home on the Porn Compound is bad ass to say the least.  Well that is if you are in to history!  I believe the home was built in the 1880's and the home that shares the property is even older.  We arrived just shy of two hours prior to ceremony start time.  I had been so busted up in the days leading up to it that I had not written any ceremony for them at all.  I had taken the time to put down some bullet points as they popped in to my head while working on other projects.  I had my usb storage device plugged in at the time and didn't realize that when I hit save to each of the projects that I was working on saved to that device.  Of course that storage device was sitting on my desk at home, 200 miles away.  So now it's a little more than an hour before scheduled start time and we have no wedding ceremony.  I hopped to it, wrote from the heart and managed to put together what I believed to be beautiful.  All we had to do was print it out and head over to the wedding.  NOT SO EASY!  The printer would not work with my computer.  The only way to make it work was to print wireless.  The problem with that was that we had to steal the ac adapter from the wireless router to power up the printer.  No wireless printing now either.  We are now 22 minutes from start time.  We burned it to disc and put it in Ilise's lap top, opened it up and files "unreadable".  18 minutes to go, no ceremony!  By the grace of God, we got it to print and saved the day.  I ran outside, took another pain killer, sucked down half a jack and coke and we raced over to the OK Corral!  Needless to say, the bride to be was running a bit late.  By now I was on my feet for a while and just plain thought I would drop, walking with a cane and all. Brother Porn and I waited and waited and then!

 Finally, I heard the crowd on the bleachers moving and then a collective, AHHHHH!  With that, the bridal party began to enter this sacred property!  The one and only GTP gave our bride away along with lil Brayden and they all looked great!

I've got to say that the entire bridal party looked great.  Now it was time to gather them all together and let the madness begin!  I've always called Porn my brother and Ilise my sister so about 3 minutes in to the ceremony it dawned on me.  I began to speak about how touched and honored I was to perform both my brother's and my sister's wedding.... I just never thought that I would be marrying my brother to my sister?  Oh well, after all, it is Tombstone!  I don't think anyone would care and more so, not even sure anyone would notice!

So if there is anyone here who has any reason whatsoever to object to this couple being married here today, SHUT YOUR MOUTH, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR FROM YOU!

The ceremony progressed and as I looked down on my friends, I could see the love in their eyes and the joy on their faces and it touched me.  I was honored and humbled to have been asked to be part of this incredible day and if but for a brief few minutes, my pain went away!  When you look down and see a friend with this kind of smile on her face, how can you feel anything but great?

I pulled a few fast ones on them during the ceremony and it just added to the joy and laughter that we all shared that afternoon in the OK Corral.  I mean really folks, I'm not sure how much of a history buff you are but this is inside the OK CORRAL!  Remember the Gunfight at the OK Corral?  Wyatt Earp?  Doc Holiday?  We were standing on sacred ground!  I've married couples in the most amazing places but I have to say that this is right up there on top of the list as the best ever!  I finally gave them the "all good", pronounced them man and wife and let them kiss!

I have very few rules when I perform a wedding but one is that I get to be in the first pics with the new married couple.  The minister isn't the norm, the ceremony isn't the norm, the location isn't the norm so why would our photo be normal?

The ceremony was done, friends and family gathered around to show the newlyweds how much they were loved and then we moved the party back to the Porn Compound!  The DJ put out the jams, the caterers put out the food, the drunks put out the booze and the guests put out the smiles!  It truly was a great reception.  Just a bunch of friends celebrating the love of our friends in the back of a 130 plus year old home!  The party went late in to the night and was like fluctuating crop circles.  All night the groups of people switched up.  Nobody was a stranger there, just friends that were just made!  The over all vibe was amazing!
Bouquets and garters were tossed and caught, drinks continued to flow and finally, the wedding cake was cut and was served in the traditional fashion of course.

after the cake was served and for the record, I don't know where it came from, it was just incredible!  From after this wonderful cake moment, let's just say that the party moved forward in a magical direction.  Every once in a while you would find yourself just about to ask the person walking towards you in the dark if they were okay and then realize that there was no one there!  Ghost?  I dunno?  Drunk? Perhaps!  But it was a good time.

Look how busted up and shot out I am in this pic.  I am bent like a 90 year old man.  You know things are bad when Jack Daniels, Jagerbombs and percocet don't help!

We ended the evening with signing the marriage license to make sure that we didn't forget all about it!  I would have hated that when they returned from the honey moon and realized they were not married!

Leading up to the wedding, I was honestly dreading it.  I was not sure how I was even going to make it down there.  Once there I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to make it through it.  Afterwards all I wanted to do was just crash out.  It all worked out great and as always, I was one of the very last people still up and partying!  Believe me the partying was done too.  My ability to bring smiles that day to so very many people carried me through all the pain.  Getting to spend time around people that I love didn't hurt either.  Sure I pushed it so hard that I have barely gotten up and out of bed since but I've got to rest up, I've got Daytona Biketoberfest to be in fighting shape for!  Here is an example of how hard the party raged, here is a shot of the DJ that I just love!

No he is not leaning down and reading the US Constitution or anything.  That is what you might call, "taking a break" from the festivities!

All I can say is that it was a beautiful day that many won't soon forget!  I am grateful for having been invited to take part in it.  I want to thank Annie Cooper and Juliana Salvante's Photo Pizzazz for allowing me to use their photos here to share this day with my friends around the world!

So next stop for me is now Daytona at the Broken Spoke Saloon, I'll see you there!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and the Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Hardest Working Guys In The Business!

Most times, before we ever arrive at a rally, the WALL OF DEATH crew is already on property.  Often rolling in during the middle of the night!  As we complain about having to set up our tent or blow up our air mattress, the guys have the daunting undertaking of building THE WALL!  I only watched part of this process but by no means was it any less than back breaking!  They are the first to come and the very last to leave!  I had never really gotten to know any of the Wall crew prior to hosting this year at the Broken Spoke Campground and now wish I had taken the time earlier!  NOTHING BUT CLASS!  While on my ride to the Spoke, I had stopped to get gas about 40 miles or so outside of Deadwood and I was beat.  It would be a 687 mile day for us.  I turned on my phone as I had it off to conserve the battery and I had some messages.  One of those messages was from George The Painter and he had a real tone of concern in his voice.  "Hey man, where you at, we are having some insane weather here", "hope you are okay"!  Yes, GTP does have a heart!  50 weight pumps through it, but all in all, it is a heart.  Well that weather put the guys from the Wall well behind in their construction.  If that wall is not operational, they don't make a dime, if they don't make a dime, how do they even make it to the next event?  THEY DON'T!  The following day, they were still building the wall when it was announced that the Rolling Vietnam Memorial was on property, the opening ceremony would take place shortly but they needed volunteers to help construct it.  The guys from the wall stopped what they were doing instantly!  Now remember, no Wall, no money!  Each and every one of them went down the hill, behind the general store and went to work building the memorial wall.  I had nothing but mad respect for these guys before this, now, forget it, I can't put in to words the RESPECT, yes, there is that word again, that I have for these guys.  They put their work down, they put their income at risk and they went to help!  Fuck that's cool as shit! 

There is no insurance company on earth that will insure a Wall of Death rider and that sucks big time.  You guys know what the cost is when you go to the emergency room because you twisted your ankle, now imagine riding 50mph on a 16' high, 30' round wall of a cylinder and having something catastrophic happen!  I would bet the ranch you don't want that bill!  So they have a fund that they keep for when someone gets hurt.  Yes, they take care of their own, they are a family, the way this shit is supposed to be!  We watch these guys jump dirt bikes and we see the X games on tv, but this is the shit folks, this was America's first extreme sport and they are keeping it alive and well..... okay, maybe not well, but sure as hell alive!  Not well you ask?  Nope!  These are hands down some of the craziest bastards that I have ever had the pleasure to call my friends!  The word Death isn't in the name for no reason ya know!  On a side note, NEVER, EVER, go flat track racing, drunk, at 4am with anyone who has DEATH in their name!  It just doesn't work out in your favor.  One of the highlights of the rally and yes, I have a list of them, was following Mikey in his two wheel drive sidehack and the Jeremiah Weed nuts in their dune buggy on steroids and Jeremiah Lightning on his insane sporty off to HELP FLATTEN the overgrown flat track.  Mikey said "Jack, it's in bad shape", asshole me says, "well we should go see, right now"!  MISTAKE NUMBER ONE FOR STURGIS 2011 on my part!  Did you know that inside the oval of the flat track at the Broken Spoke County Line, there is a motocross track?  No?  Well neither did I!  But guess what?  IN FOURTH GEAR, WHILE CHASING THESE MANIACS, I FOUND IT!  I can also say that I now know for sure that the FXR is the most amazing modern bike Harley ever put out and did you know that they can fly too?  Yeah, I do now too!  Your friend Jack Shit nearly had Death is his title too!  One huge jump, one brutal landing and what I swore were two broken thumbs, I had to heed Jeremiah's warning of "this is really stupid man, really fuckin stupid" and ride back to the lot!

As the week went on I did all I could to make sure that people got to take in at least one wall show and each person that I sent over came right back to me and said "that's the baddest thing I've ever seen"!  They too were absolutely correct!  My schedule was so hectic there that I barely had a moment to get my head straight and I had given the FXR a serious smack down on the flat track.  Well on the part of it that I   managed to find anyway.  The bike was barely running, I blew a fork seal and to make matters worse, the carb was pissing gas out of it!  I had really done a job on her.  With 15 minute breaks between band sets, it is really hard to put your bike back together and with the property being so massive, it took me half that long to walk from one place to another (up until flat track night I had ridden to all these places).  Handsome Charlie Ransom repeatedly told me, "Jack, get that fucking thing over here and let me get a look at it" so I did, then 30 minutes later, I would fire her up and take off, sputtering and spitting my way up the hill!  Eventually, I made it back to the Wall, pulled off the carb and had to run back to work.  Upon my return, I found the entire bike put back together, filled with gas and ready to go.  What an amazing gesture of friendship!  I have got to tell you that being around these guys was amazing.  They truly made my Sturgis Rally 2011.

I can't think of a single night that once the work was done at the Wall, that I did not turn around to be handed a drink or given a hug or to hear my name being screamed at the top of one or more of these maniacs lungs!  They supported me like nothing I have ever seen and I will never forget it!  I was sure as hell not the only one who woke up in the morning more than once with no voice!  I will never forget these guys!  It more or less became a running joke, I would scream "WALL OF DEATH IN THE HOUSE" and they would scream "JACK SHIT".  Incredible memories!

Hands down, one of the highlights of not only the Sturgis Rally at the Broken Spoke but no bullshit, of my life, was when Wahl E. Walker, man I love that name, invited me in to see the show from inside the Wall!  If you have seen the show from the top, you know how amazing it is.  This pales in comparison to being able to see the show from inside.  I know most everyone will never get to experience this and that is truly too bad because it is mind blowing.   These guys are men of honor, respect and loyalty!  They have been at the Spoke for years now on nothing more than a hand shake deal and if you can't RESPECT that, what can you RESPECT?  People who mean what they say and say what they mean, hell, it's virtually unheard of anymore!  This is one cohesive unit, one family and it shows!  Hell, on the final night of the rally, after the food vendors had packed up their tents and trucks these guys even fed me dinner!  Tell me where can you get Spaghetti at a bike rally?  AT THE FUCKING WALL OF DEATH THAT'S WHERE! 

 On the last night of the rally, we were all hanging up on the VIP balcony next to the stage and J. Lightning was killing me with limericks and "poetry" so to speak.  I mean here is this guy who has seen it all, who barely spoke and then in a fury, spit out some of the fastest and funniest shit that I have ever heard in my life!  There are days that I can't remember my phone number and here he is remembering 75 lines from something that he learned as a young guy, incredible!  The entire time there, a documentary was being filmed on the Wall crew and I can't wait to see it, these guys deserve all the good that come their way!

I bet you guys thought that I would forget the FOX IN THE BOX.  Hell no!  What a sweetheart and hard worker as well.  "Don't forget the garlic bread" she said and my night was made!

So next time you see these guys at a fair or a bike rally, dig deep in that pocket, hold your money over the top rail and let them come snatch right out of your hot little hand!  This Sturgis Rally at the World Famous Broken Spoke Saloon would have never been the same without the crew from the Wall of Death.  As a friend said to me 2 nights ago, "I applaud and RESPECT YOU"! 

WALL OF DEATH IN THE HOUSE!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,

Tits in your back

and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,

Jack Shit