I CAN CHECK THIS ONE RIGHT OFF MY BUCKET LIST! NEXT ITEM PLEASE!

THIS POST HAS CHANGED SLIGHTLY FROM ITS ORIGINAL FORM AS FOR SOME REASON, AN ENTIRE PARAGRAPH HAS DISAPPEARED SOMEHOW.  I TOLD YOU I NEVER READ THIS SHIT, I JUST CLICK PUBLISH POST!

Quite simply, I'm not a man with big hopes or grandiose dreams.  There are very few things that I hope and pray for.  Mostly, if I'm having a one on one with the big man up in the stars, I just ask for him to make Diane's burden less!  I do however still have a list of things that I'd like to do before I die, that's not so selfish right?  I don't announce to the world what those things are because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me if I don't achieve them.  I'll stick with only Diane feeling sorry for me each time that I pull my pants down.  Well, I guess that may be the only time she feels sorry for herself as well.  This past weekend, I got to take my big fat imaginary sharpie and cross an item right off of my mental bucket list.  I would actually write it down on paper but I'd be afraid someone would find it and it would be evidence enough to show intent and I would be locked up forever, so for now, it stays locked up in the only place that I can stay out of trouble, in my mind!

A few weeks ago, I had toyed with the idea of making this item happen but as our luck and our life would happen, we got nailed with a few unexpected expenses and they were each close to a grand.   By the grace of God, we had the funds on hand to cover them but it wiped us out of "screw around" money.  Hell, this one almost took us back to Ramen Noodles for a few days, luckily it did not.  A few dinner invitations and a little fasting and we made it through!  It looked like it wasn't going to happen and I was okay with that.  It's not like I had hard plans and after all, it's not called a bucket list item for nothing, right?  There is always next year!  It is an annual event and if the world does not come to a crashing halt on 12/21/12, then the odds are good that this event will still continue.  It was only a few days out when I got the call from a friend....  "hey man, I was thinking bout having GTP come up to Milwaukee to shoot some pics and paint a portrait of me and my brothers before I leave the country".  Part of me was instantly a little tiny bit jealous but nearly all of me was thrilled for GTP, really, I swear!  I told him that I thought that it was a great idea and that I'm sure he would love the end result.

His next statement hit me smack in the nuts.  He said "why don't you come with him"?  I would love to, of course I would love to.  I'd only been talking about it for A FEW FUCKING YEARS, but I could not, money was far too tight".  "Doesn't George need someone to help him and hold the flash or carry his cameras around or something"?  Well, yes, I do believe he does....  WELL THEN, THAT SETTLES IT, you are coming too, I could use the extra Sky Miles!  I sat stunned.  I tried, I honestly tried to talk him out of it.  I am really great at being a giver, I love it but I am really bad at receiving gifts and the more generous they are, the harder it is for me to take!  No for an answer was not going to be taken, I too was on my way to Milwaukee!  Right now, you have to be thinking, what kind of twisted sick fuck would have going to Milwaukee in the winter on a bucket list?  Well this twisted sick fuck would and in a second, you will understand why!

So your friend Jack Shit, the comedian, the host, the writer was now Jack Shit, camera case holder and designated drunk passenger and I would not have had it any other way.  We began our travel day on just about 2 hours sleep.  I think GTP got an hour more than me but hey, the little woman wanted to say goodbye, ya hear what I'm saying?  The looks on the faces of the people in the airport as the two of us fucktards made our way through were priceless.  The look on the TSA agents faces when we passed security screening without so much as a cavity search even greater!  You just know that they wanted a piece of us!  I knew it as I watched as the people in front of us passed through the metal detector and nobody even looked at them.  They just stared at us as they snapped their latex gloves on to their hands!  But we showed them.  We hid all the dope in a little old lady's bag that went right before us and then we pick pocketed it right back after we passed security!  Okay, we didn't do that, George did!  We had to fly to Minneapolis where we would have a layover for a bit over an hour and then hop on to our final destination.  The question was, what would we do with that time?  The answer?  Run like mother fuckers through the airport!  Our plane was late and now this!  Picture two crippled old bikers running for their lives, dragging briefcases and camera bags as fast as our busted backs could go.  Imagine the sight of us running down the moving sidewalks?  It was not pretty but people sure did move out of our way!  We made it to the next plane as they were boarding, the Universe was kind this day and had delayed the connecting flights arrival.  George and I make friends every where we go if you can believe that.

Brother Mario was going to meet us just past the last TSA Checkpoint.  Lo and behold, he sees a friend and the guys first words to him were, "I think two of your friends were on my flight"?  Really?  How do you know?  "I just know" was his answer.  Sure as shit, IT WAS US!  We stick out like a pig at a Muslim convention!  As we approached he was already laughing and within moments of hearing this we were laughing too.  Right up until the airport doors automatically slid open.  WE WERE NOT LAUGHING ANY MORE!  Remember how I said that the Universe had given us a break?  Well I guess you only get one of those per day.  It was like getting hit with a sledge hammer to the forehead!  I thought that the PA system on the plane was malfunctioning when we landed and the pilot spoke.  Did he say we were at terminal one?  NOPE!  As it turns out, what he had said was, "the current TEMPERATURE IS ONE"!  Yes, that is correct, ONE MOTHER FUCKING DEGREE!  At this very same time, it was 77 degrees in Phoenix, that is a 76 degree temp drop.....  and this is the very first thing that we saw as we landed.

Interesting, our airport does not have white pavement?  As it turns out, neither does Milwaukee!  Brother Mario picked us up and just laughed at us all the way to the truck.  We had planned for cold and we had gone long underwear shopping the night before.  Picture George and I dragging Diane through the stores for this.  I really don't know why she puts up with us?  She just laughed the entire time, especially as I video taped George pulling his pants down in the middle of a store called Dick's.  I guess it just seemed appropriate to him.  I have to admit, it sort of seemed reasonable to me to at the time.  Our first stop on the trip was to a store to load up on beer and then off to Ken and Darlene Baas' house.  If that name sounds familiar to you, that is because it should, that is our dear friend, the one and only Kevin "Teach" Baas' mom and dad!  We were going to hang out in their garage, do some drinking, do some bike talking and just soak in the lovely Wisconsin temps!  On this 80 acre snow covered farm, we were welcomed and treated like family!  These two amazing people have been living this life that we love and building and riding MurderSickles before many of us were even born!  I will go on the record and say this, THESE PEOPLE ARE NOTHING BUT CLASS!  We were going to drop by for a beer or two and wait for Biker Jym to come pick us up.  He would be there in 45 minutes!  As the second 24 pack was opened and we wondered where the hell Jym was, the phone rang.  He was stuck at the bottom of the farm driveway and his four wheel drive was not working!  We are off to help!  Outside we all run and for the first minute, with the lights shining and the snow falling it was just gorgeous.  The way the headlights hit that big old red barn was straight out of a movie.  By minutes two and three, the beauty had long since passed and my nuts were racing up in to my body for some place warm to hide!  I quickly pretended that I was really happy to see Jym and jumped in his truck for some "quality time"!  His four wheel may not be working, but his heater sure as shit was!

Milwaukee Mike was the guest bartender down town at this kick ass lil joint in a row of houses and we were going to see him but first a nice dinner.  We drove back to Mario's place where we were to stay and it was just gorgeous!  The way the house looked with all the fresh snow in front made it look like a post card.  Right then, I knew that having to stay in conditions like this was going to be really rough but I was going to do what I had to do!  Well here, I'll show you and you can judge for yourself just how bad we had it!  I mean don't get me wrong, it wasn't like sleeping in a cardboard box, but close!  We knuckled up and just made the best of it.  For example, I only had 7 pillows on my bed, can you imagine having to spend time under these conditions?

If you see the conditions that we were forced to endure, then I'm sure you can only imagine the meal that we were forced to eat that night as well.  I mean really, Fillet Mignon and Wine?  What are we savages?  We spent the next hour or so looking for kitty litter, that is an entire blog in and of itself, so I will just move on past this subject.  I will however tell you though that it was at exactly 10:04 pm that the heat in the truck suddenly stopped working!  For the fine folks who live there, a mere inconvenience, for us two AZ pussies, you would have thought we were dropped in to a ice filled horse trough!  I stepped outside the truck to smoke and figured it would be so damn cold outside that the truck would feel warm.  It did, for a moment or two.... then, not so much!  As we pulled away, kitty litter in hand, the heat kicked back on!  Back to the house to spend some quality time in the garage while we awaited a few more bar goers.  So now you've seen the squalor like conditions that we have to sleep in, you've heard about the awful food we had to eat, wait till you see the work conditions in the garage.  I mean how are you supposed to function with that big heater blowing over your heads warming the arctic air and allowing your fingers the dexterity to actually hold on to a tool?  I know, awful right?  Then, to add insult to injury we had to get stuck in the middle of the quadrangle of hell between the two Knuckleheads, the Panhead and the fridge full of anything and everything one could ever need to drink while working on bikes.  It was horrible!  Oh yeah, did I tell you that this God awful garage had every tool you could ever imagine?  No?  Then I won't!  Well, see for yourself what we were forced to endure!

 Here is a quick shot I was able to capture of our cruel host!  This was taken right in between beatings!

We finally loaded our sorry asses in to the F 350 and off we went.  To add insult to injury and what nearly ruined the entire trip was when the rear back up camera that is built in to the rear view mirror malfunctioned!  It nearly sent us packing and right back to AZ, but George and I endured!  Hey, it was the very least we could do, right?  We rolled on in to down town, parked and entered the bar which was filled asses to elbows with the greatest people God ever put on this crazy ass planet we live on.  I have to tell you what really chapped my ass was how rude everyone was.  I mean they just walked right up and without even asking permission to touch you, wrapped their arms around you with these big ass bear hugs and would not let go!  It was awful to say the very least!  We arrived around midnight and were going to stay for one drink just to show our support for Milwaukee Mike.  So at 2:15 when we were thrown out of the damn bar by the staff who was equally as horrible as the patrons there was no place left for us to go but home......  oh yeah, there was one place we could go and we decided to do just that.  The plan was set in to motion.  It was a simple plan, "ONE AND WERE DONE".  One drink and we'd be right out the door.  Where did we go you ask?  Well we went to the one and only, world fucking famous, SHED!  Oh yeah bitches, we are in Milwaukee and it is SHED PARTY weekend!  One and done, we are sticking with the plan.  It took about ten minutes from the bar to get there and we left the bar by 2:20 am.  So as we rolled in to the house at 5:15 am we tried to figure out where and when the plan went to hell?  We fired up the plasma cutter and cut our names in to a nice piece of steel that will be leaving the country for Amsterdam.  6 am and we are still awake.  We are now up for with the exception of the 2 hours of sleep, somewhere near 45 or so hours and I am loving it!

We had HUGE PLANS for the next day.  Saturday night was the Shed Party.... holy shit, I'm in Milwaukee for the Shed Party!  I won't cross it off the bucket list quite yet as I haven't quite made it to the party, but damn, this is the closest I've ever come to attending.  We were going to go spend the day at the Harley Museum, then go over and see Warren's shop and visit Lil Ben, pick up a trailer at the Shed and bring it back to pick up Mario's knuckle, what could go wrong?  Well, I guess quite a bit when you put GTP and I in charge of it and you don't go to bed until 7 am.  We did make it to see Warren and Lil Ben so screw the museum.  I didn't want to be that jerkoff with the camera just snapping away but man oh man, the shop was just awful!  Here we are again, having to deal with these sub human conditions.  Yet another shop where I have no earthly idea of how anyone could ever get anything done.  I mean with distractions like the "break room" with it's bar and pool table if my memory serves me correctly, right on down to the photo studio and the second story line up of gorgeous bikes for all to have to suffer through viewing!  I mean Jesus, here is another place where you just can't walk straight through, you have to step around a Panhead here and a Norton there and oh, well, I guess you get the idea.  All the other things that make these places miserable like one off tanks and helmets hanging on the walls and from the rafters!  I won't go crazy showing you pictures because I don't want you guys to have to suffer as we did but I will share with you the truly hard to endure moments and things that were particularly painful to witness.

Like I said, just terrible.  We were running out of time and like Cinderella, I had to get GTP to the ball!  It was the night of the one and only SHED PARTY and I was excited like a school girl on prom night!  All we had to do was drive back to the house, get the camera and head back to the SHED.  What could possibly go wrong?  All we had to do was follow the GPS in the truck, it's technology, it could never lead us astray!  Well I guess that would be true if had someone not changed the settings to avoid freeways!  So we had only about 40 or so miles to go, roughly 30 minutes on the freeway.  Oh yeah, that's right, we never got to see one of them.  40 miles, traffic light to traffic light to traffic light.  Did I also forget to mention that not one person on those surface streets ever drives more than 35 mph?  We arrived back at the house and I hadn't torn the steering wheel off with my bare hands so we had that going for us.  Our plan for a couple long hot showers, fresh change of clothes and maybe even a nap turned in to running through the house, changing socks and shirt, grabbing the cameras, running down stairs, out to the driveway, smoke a cigarette as fast as humanly possible and then jump right back in to the truck!  We outsmarted the GPS by not using the one in the truck!  I waited until after we got on the freeway and used my phone to get us there.  SHED PARTY 2012, here we come!  Eat your hearts out world!  We made it on time, George got everyone lined up for the portrait shot and the evening got under way in style.  You guys ready for what happened next?  Do you want to hear what happened on the night that I got to cross off a long over due item on my bucket list?

I bet you do, but what happens at the SHED PARTY stays at the fucking SHED PARTY!  So sorry but that's how it goes!  I can tell you that it was hands down, one of the greatest parties that I have ever been to in my life held at one of the coolest places that I have ever been at, where I was invited by people who I love.  I was welcomed like family and treated even better.  I had bruises on my back from the hugs and back slaps that I was lucky enough to receive all weekend long.  One day, maybe you too will be invited to the SHED!  Maybe? 

Roughly shy of 7 years ago, the Milwaukee crew rode their crazy choppers right on in to our lives and in to our hearts and they will remain there until the day that I die.  This party was more than just an annual offering to the demons, it was so much more.  Jimmy Giggles was leaving Milwaukee to make a fresh start in Virginia and it is hands down the right thing to do.  Brother Mario is leaving, wait, correct that, has already left to live in Amsterdam for a few years!  This party was both a welcome to the SHED and a going away for brothers who helped to make the SHED the world famous place that it is today!  A place where legendary bikes roll out, legendary people roll in and LOVE, LOYALTY, HONOR AND RESPECT are not just words but a way of life!  They are a family, a brotherhood and a world unto itself!  I will forever cherish what we share as friends and brothers and do all I can to only make what we share the very best it can be.  I am honored that these crazy fuckers welcomed me in to their home, their house, their lives!  I no longer have to worry about making it one day to the SHED PARTY as a bucket list item but just when do I book my flight for the next one!  This party has gone from my attending being a dream to having a place forever etched in to my calender!  I can't thank everyone in Milwaukee enough for the hospitality and the generosity that you showed to me.  I never forget these things, ever!  I'd run down a list of those names, but that would be evidence that others were there.

I know you are saying to yourself, I can't believe that this prick made us read all this shit and then gave us no details of the party and no pics either!  Well if you are thinking that you are right, I will not post any pics and I won't write a single detail.  I am however working on the SHED PARTY MOVIE so keep your eyes out for that, it's coming soon!  DID YOU FUCKERS REALLY THINK THAT I WOULD LET YOU DOWN?  C'mon, it's your pal Jack Shit.... I'd never do that to you!  I'll let you know when the movie is done!

Again, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart to all of you lunatics in that frozen tundra known as Milwaukee, THANK YOU!  Now I have replaced this item with the Knuckle Shuffle on that Bucket list of mine.... who knows, I may just make a spring time return!

Until we meet on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Can't believe it will happen again! BUT IT IS!

I can't believe it!  This is actually going to happen again.  Not only will it happen again, it is now a two day event!  What is this event that I speak of with such shock?  The SLAB CITY RIOT 3!  I've been to both riots now and there will be no way on earth that I am going to miss the 3rd.   As a matter of fact, the photo above was shot around 2am in the middle of the Desert in Niland, California at a closed down pre WWII military base known as Slab City.  Slab City is also known as the LAST FREE PLACE IN AMERICA.  There is no electricity, there is no running water, there is no law and no law enforcement presence, well that is until we arrive!  Then the presence of the law goes through the roof!

I remember the first year of the event.  Here we are in the middle of fucking nowhere, a place lost in time and the police are coming out from behind bushes to write tickets to guys rolling around on bikes in the dust for not wearing helmets.  California and their fascination with writing helmet tickets is beyond comparison.  Well I guess it's any way to make a buck these days!  That first SCR was wild to say the least.  After the battle of a life time with my knuck's carb to even make the 300 mile ride we rolled in just moments before the sun set.  It was surreal to say the very least.  I had never seen anything like it.

The photo above was sent to me from a friend last year.  They found it on a California rock station's web site of all places!  There is no way to describe the way the "residents" of The Slabs live.  I swore to God as the sun went down that we would be pulled in to holes in the ground, knocked out and carried away to be turned in to Slab City Winter Stew!  From the moment you pass what is what I understand to be the only building still standing on the property, the old guard shack at the entrance, your mind begins to stop and refresh, stop and refresh because you just can't believe what you have just seen.  Once past the guard gate, the first thing you see is Salvation Mountain and it will blow you away.

Imagine coming up on a hand painted mountain?  A mountain covered with paint, stucco and caulk.  There truly is no way to describe this.  Some spots, you can actually walk in and through the mountain. 

As the night progressed and the cops kept coming in to the party and believe me, they never came alone, people began busting their balls pretty bad.  Finally somebody asked them "how come you have to come here to harass us"?  The cops response stunned me!  "We are not here to harass you guys, we are here to protect you guys from the "residents" was the cops response.  All I could think was, what the fuck did he just say?  As night fell and darkness arrived, once you stepped only feet away from the fire, you found yourself literally standing in nothing but blackness!  Pure and total black out!  My buddy Adam called me and asked, "dude, where the fuck are you"?  My only answer was, "I'm standing at the intersection of raped and killed"!  COME AND GET ME! 

Last year, the event had doubled, if not tripled in size and that intersection that I once stood at was now smack in the middle of this makeshift lunatic campground.  It was easy to tell where you were with the lights that were installed so that you could see better.  Lights you may ask?  Yes, the guests of Slab City who forgot to bring flashlights simply lit a car on fire to provide better auxiliary lighting and ambiance!

By the fourth time that the fire department and the police arrived to put the fire out, all I could think of was "well, that is the end of the Slab City Riot"!  Yet here I am, watching weather forecasts, figuring out what to bring, which bike to ride and what can I bring to burn for warmth this year because just as it was the first year, it is going to be cold as a witches tit again.  I don't care so much about that because I have gear for that, after all, I'm from Jersey.  My problem will be in finding that gear!  Even though I have the Road Glide now, I'm pretty sure that I am going to ride the FXR.  I have the ability to carry more shit that way and something tells me that I am going to need it this year! 

The first Riot, I had spoken to friends that were riding out there with me about what to bring.  I was trying to figure out what to pack.  When you ride a 47' Knuck Chop, you don't have room to carry much.  I was trying to figure out how to do the bed roll and the tent and they laughed at me.  Tent?  A fucking tent?  We are going hard core man, bed rolls and that's it!  Well as I lay on the ground on my bedroll getting as close as I possibly could to the massive fire that we built, I looked around at each and every single person that I rode there with as they set up their tents!  MOTHER FUCKER!  Everyone but Brother Adam and I were in tents.... what happened to the Old School Chopper rules? 

There were two things that I found myself worries about that first night!  First and foremost, I was worried that I would awake and find my Knucklehead gone!  Second, I was worried that I would awake and find myself floating in a cauldron and being stirred by a big stick!  The only answer I could think of was my old tried and true, handcuff my leg to the bike.  This way they would have to take us both!

The temps had dropped in to the low 40's and were accompanied by up to 60 mph wind gusts if my memory serves me correctly.  We ended up having the biggest and longest burning fire at all of the Slab and I lay down right next to it.  It was so warm and so lovely and I hate to sleep with clothes on.  So as I laid in my bedroll, I stripped full on naked.  I was the like the cheese in a grilled cheese.  Warm and toasty on the outside and gooey and melting on the inside.  That is until the flames died down and turned to coals.  Around 5 am, all of the Jack Daniels had caught up to me and I had to piss so bad that it was like having a knife stuck in the kidney.  As I opened up the tiniest crack in my roll, the air whipped in and my balls instantly shrivelled up to raisins.  OH MY GOD!  What do I do?  So I grabbed my knife, licked my thumb and stuck it in the air to check the wind.  I dig a hole with my knife and check the grade of the land by pouring a bit of water.  Rolling away from my bedroll, thank God.  I put my dick through the opening in my bed roll and pissed straight out of it!  I must have pissed for two minutes non stop and the horror of the thought that what happens when the hole fills?  Luckily, it never happened!

So for Slab 2, I borrowed a bagger from my buddy and I got some pay back!  As the temps rose throughout the day, people kept taking off layers of clothes and asking if they could put shit in my bags.  Uhm, nope, sorry, no room, they are all full!  You got it!  Not only did I bring a tent, I brought a temperpedic pillow, I brought an air mattress, I brought some food, some water, change of clothes, flash lights, tools and a sleeping bag.  Hell, if the place had running water I would have brought a blow up pool with me and used my battery operated pump to blow bubbles in it and make a jacuzzi! 

So over the last few days, I've gotten a bunch of messages about what people need to bring with them.  Let me say this.... find a way to hold your tent down with something other than with tent stakes.  I bent 24 of them trying to bang them in to the ground!  Bring water, bring whatever you think you may need.  Not only is there nothing on property, but the only thing I believe within a few miles is a bar.  Other than that, it is easily a twenty mile ride to anything else.  If you are coming from AZ and you are planning on going out via the I 10, and you are on a chopper or a sporty, BRING A GAS CAN!  My suggestion would be get to Gila Bend and take the 8!  It's going to be down in the 40's at night there this year and highs only in the 60's during the day so be prepared for that. 

If you are heading to the Slabs, I'll see you there.  I don't want to hear on Monday we are back home, that you saw me but didn't want to bother me and come up and say hello.  You better fucking come up and introduce yourself.  Everyone be safe, have a great ride, bring what you need and I look forward to seeing you at the Slabs!  Oh yeah, make sure you bring your camera, you are not going to want to miss this shit!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

When did it all change?

FREEDOM ISN'T FREE BUT IT'S WORTH FIGHTING FOR.... That is what is painted on that fairing in case you can't read it.  I was never really sure what it was that these guys did, these Patriot Guard Riders.  When I first saw two of them rolling down the road I assumed that it was just another start up riding club, not a MC, but a riding club.  When I found out what it is these guys do, I was blown away.  While walking around this silly ass bullshit bike event the other night, my wife saw this bike and asked if I knew what it was and what they did?  I said I know a little bit.  I explained to her that these guys took time from their lives to escort the remains of soldiers killed in action and they attend the funerals and unfurl big ass flags to block protesters like those PIECES OF SHIT, THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH who attend military funerals, disrupt the funeral and then sue any one who interferes.....  As I was explaining how they park their bikes a certain distance apart and pull the flags out and make a big RED, WHITE AND BLUE, STARS AND STRIPES WALL to block these scumbags from the family, I actually got chills and caught a tear in my eye.  PATRIOT does not begin to describe what these guys are! 

HERE IS THE PROBLEM AS I SEE IT.  Someone, please, please, please, tell me why these guys even need to exist?  Have we as a country grown so full of hate for each other and for each other's beliefs that someone would go and disrespect the final services of some one who gave up everything to go and defend freedom around the world and who gave the ultimate sacrifice and gave their life!  GOD HATES FAGS is the battle cry of these inbred sheep fuckers!  Because the military let gays in, they now disrupt any funeral that they can.  Worse yet, they sued a family of one fallen Marine I believe because they were stopped from protesting and WON?  The father of this fallen hero had to pay all their legal expenses after his victory against them was over turned by another judge!  When did it all change?  When did we reward people for being low life mother fuckers?  As a writer and a full blown mental case whose words would be censored nearly any place but here, I believe more than the average person in the right to free speech, free expression and freedom to practice any religion you want.  But where do you draw the line between your freedom and disrupting an other's freedoms?  When did it all change?  When did we become so politically correct that rather than offend people who would terrorize, yes, that's what I said, a family in mourning, our government chose to offend the very  family in mourning?  When did the fact that you chose to serve this country make you a target by our own government?  Each and every single time that I see these fucks on television, all I can think of is WHY?  Why would they give these people air time?  Forgive me for this rant on Easter Sunday of all days but I saw a news story yet again about these low life assholes and it just lit my fucking fuse!  Enough is enough once again.  WE THE PEOPLE, elect judges, congress, senators and presidents and it is about time that we stand up and have these self serving, power hungry fucks learn that WE ARE THEIR BOSSES and not the other way around!  When did it all change that common sense was no longer applicable?

Once again, the very reason that I began this post got totally away from me.  What I meant to write about and the title still holds true was, when did it all change, with the bikes we ride?  The parties we attend?  The lifestyle in general?  I went down to Mesa Riverview the other night for bike night.  It's an event that they now host each and every Friday and I thought how cool!  I figured it would be lined with choppers, cool stockers and maybe some hot rods too.  You would think that it was like a 1000 mile ride for all who attended.  There had to be no bullshit, 400 or more bikes there and I counted 17, yes, 17 that did not have a full fairing or windshield.  It was like the grand touring road show.  I understand baggers and I understand the need for them.  I just wondered when did it all change that you could hardly find a bike without one?  What really got me blown away was that as we are in the midst of the worst economy since the great depression, I found it difficult to even find an Evolution engine there.  Virtually every bike was new, can you imagine?  I remember years ago, I was mocked for riding an EVO!  The new guy, with the new fangle bike!  Now Evo's are damn near what the Shovelhead was!  Well without any of the class, sex appeal or coolness that is!

So now I began a quest if you will to find something other than a brand new bagger to take a pic of...  The event is set around a traffic circle with four streets going off in each direction.  In the circle was a band that I could not tell you if they were any good or not.  What I can tell you is that it was probably the worst PA that I ever heard.  I think that these guys watched Spinal Tap one too many times and took that whole "11" on the volume nob way too serious.  Before I start getting the "drop dead Jack Shit, I ride a bagger" mail, don't bother!  I had a street glide too at one point and I would probably still have it had it not been for two things; first it was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever ridden and second, had it not been repossessed!  I could have stopped it from going, I got the call that they wanted the money but Diane's illness had already wiped out my credit, the value of it was lower than what I owed and I just asked the woman on the phone, "you want me to drop if off or do you want to come and get it"?  She was dumbfounded for the record.  "Really" was her response.  "Well sir, we can work with you"!  Nah, no thanks, I'll leave it outside in case I'm not home.... I don't think this has ever happened to them!  I hadn't told Diane about the call and this guy rang the door bell, full tatt'd up head, big beard all sleeved and she opened the door.  The guy said I'm here about the bike and she said okay and the guys mouth dropped open.... "really"?  Yes sir, it's all yours!  We could have easily paid for it but decided the money was better spent on paying the 4 thousand dollars a month for her insurance and meds so we just said "take it man".  She called me and I said I was right around the corner, I'll be right there, I have the key.  When I got there, I think the guy thought I was going to jump out with a gun or something, I simply asked, "hey man, you need help loading it up"?  "Uhm, uh, no, no thanks man, I got it, but thanks again"!

Side tracked again.....  For the record I don't hate stock bikes, I just prefer the Choppers and Bobbers.  I am blown away by the level of talent that goes in to the design, the build and the little details that sets each and every single one apart from the others.  These folks have ten times the talent that I would ever have and I have mad respect for them.  What I could not understand is that with all of these bikes in this mini mockery of an old down town, there were not even "billet barge choppers" on the property.... We walked in all four directions, up and down and on the last leg of our journey, I finally found something cool!  Now I am even less of a fan of Hondas than I am of what people call Geezer Glides.  But and it's a big but, give me a Honda that some one spent countless hours, chopping and grinding and welding away on and they have earned my respect!  What can I say, I'm an old bike guy and as Teach would say, I have a Vintage Bike Addiction!  Check out this BAD ASS HONDA!

Can you see the attention to the little details that just sets this bike apart from something you would buy?

Even if it were something you would buy from a bike builder, it is just not the same.  Hand built

by the owner, out of nothing but pure passion and a vision!  I DIG IT!

I had just run in to a few friends and we were bullshitting for a few minutes when I heard the bike fire up, which by the way was unmistakable from anything parked there.  I said to Diane, I sure hope he rides this way.  He did and I stopped him right in the middle of the circle, introduced myself and told him how much I appreciated the bike and asked if I could snap a few shots, "sure man" he said with a smile.  I don't care how "anti social" you are, it's always nice to have your work appreciated and I did!

There is a restaurant there that we were told was great and a few other friends were going to shoot on over and meet us.  We hung out on the street for a bit and I just could not get over the fact that since this guy had left, there was not a bike on the property older than 5 years!  Has anyone told these folks that we are in a recession?  I walked in to the restaurant and was really kind of bummed out.  We sat at the bar for a few and my goggles were really pissing me off resting on my head!  I took a walk out to hang them on the bike and as I walked out, much to my surprise, a Sprung Pan Chop was backing in to a spot.  I was damn near giddy!

My excitement was taken down a notch when I saw that it was and was not a panhead at the same time!  It was a very well done, knock off!  But I didn't care, it was a chopper baby!  We spoke for a few minutes and he showed me how he put a fake generator cover over the oil filter on the motor and even hooked up the wires to make it look real... whatever it was, it was still cool!  I hung up my goggles and walked across the street still talking with the owner.  He asked, "what ya riding man"?  I said that Knuck over there and with that he said "oh hell man, I know you, you're Jack Shit"..... I said, "yes sir, I surely am".  The guy standing next to him said "fuck man, I love your blog"!  What can I say, my penis just got an added inch to it! 

While we were talking, another guy and a chick were standing in the back just listening.  When the first cat walked away, this guy started asking me questions, and they were good questions, this guy not only knew what he was talking about, but I think he was even testing me a bit to make sure I was the real deal..... well now it's on like donkey kong!  I told him other than a Honda that had left, my knuck and this "pan", there were only two other bikes there even worth looking at and they had only pulled up a few moments ago.  "Oh really, where are they", he asked?  I pointed, right over there man and he promptly replied, "right there"?  Yeah man, right there, well those are ours he said!  Okay, now we are rolling!  Check out these bad bitches!

Now the hard core amongst us reading this will remember that above I used the phrase cool stockers.  They would ask the question, how can it be stock and still be cool?  This is how a bike can be 100% bone stock and be the coolest damn thing in a sea of what was now probably at least 5 or 600 bikes!

That is a 100% bone stock, 1947 big inch flat head!  It was original right on down to the paint!  I spent so much time talking and looking at this bike that I actually got a call from my wife inside the restaurant, pissed, wondering where the hell I went?  I told her and she immediately understood.  THIS BIKE WAS PHENOMENAL!  Now as amazing as this was, wait till you see the scoot his old lady rode in on!  You guys have heard me say that rigid sporty chops are where it's at now!  Here is the perfect example of what a bad ass sporty chop is!  This thing is bad ass right on down to the old ammo can used for a saddle bag!  Check it!  It's got a Wassel Tank, ribbed fender, sprung front end and is just plain bad ass! 

So as it turns out, it wasn't that there weren't people there who rode awesomely cool chops and vintage iron, it's just that they don't get there early!  Thank God folks!  This saved my entire night!  As I kick started my old knuck and rode away, I heard the worst sound that I have ever heard come out of my engine and my night immediately went to shit again!  So again, I ask, when did it all change?  When did my bike go from a perfectly running 64 year old knuck to a knuck with a horrid sound!  When do we catch a FUCKING BREAK I ask?

In closing, all I can say is that the event wasn't that awful.  Even though it was not wall to wall bikes that I dig, what it was, was wall to wall people who I really dug who went out of their way to make me feel really welcome!  I think with each week that passes, this event will grow, more people will learn of it and although I am sure they will show up late, more and more kick ass old chops will roll on in! 

To me, it don't matter what you ride, just get out and fucking ride folks.... but if you do live in one of the hottest places on the planet and you are riding 11 miles to bike night, TAKE THE DAMN WINDSHIELD OFF, believe me, you will need the air to cool off your body!  Till we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Foundry Moto is BACK and bigger and better than ever!

It was like coming home!  That's all I kept saying Saturday night and it's all I kept hearing!  When I heard the news that Foundry Moto was hosting Dice Magazine at a party at the shop I felt, I must admit, as excited as I was the first time I ever walked through the door in to a Titty Bar!  Let me tell you, that was pretty damn excited!  I had even entertained the thought of cleaning up the Knuckle for such a special occasion.  That thought came and went quickly as I am sure you will notice in some of the pics.  Electricity was in the air and it was hours before we even left to roll on up there.  I kicked that knuck to life and rode the brutal distance of 8 doors away and picked up the one and only Charlie the Nomad.  We were going to scoot on over to Snottsdale, grab Keith Cole, Worm and his brother and then shoot over to F-Bomb's new shop.  If you have ever ridden in or around Scottsdale Az, you know the law can be pretty heavy handed when it comes to dealing with hooligans such as ourselves on death trap motorcycles.  As we crested the hill that splits the mountains at Papago park, the entire city of Phx unveils itself just as the sun was setting, it was a gorgeous sight!  The other point I should make is that is just about the exact spot that it turns from Scottsdale in to Phoenix, where the road goes from 2 lanes to 3 and where the speed limit goes from 35 to 45.  At the very moment that we crested that hill, all six bikes split lanes in all directions and all I could think of was, "AND THE MADNESS BEGINS"!  Holy shit was I right on the nose.  I hit 85 trying to catch these maniacs, on stroked out big inch evo's and bear bone rigid sporty chops and those fuckers FLY!  Don't worry, I CAUGHT EM!  Next stop, the Melrose historic district and pick up brother Bomb!  We hung out for a few, checked out the new shop and we waited for Bean're who was the only one of us with a lick of sense who didn't blow through the city, splitting lanes the entire way.  We got a call, he had stopped to help someone on the side of the road on a chop.  We were going so damn fast we never even saw the guy!  Turns out, he was already up at Foundry.  I guess the saying is true, slow and steady wins the race.  That son of a bitch beat us there!

I ended up leading the pack on that ole knuck of mine while being chased down not only by these maniacs on rigid sporties but by two of the best riders I have ever seen and they were atop their STAMPEDE bikes!  As I crossed the final intersection of Glendale and 27th my excitement nearly bubbled over.  Especially as I hit a pot hole on my rigid sprung knuck that seemed big enough to swallow a Ford Escort!  My bars felt like they went tank slap to tank slap and as I rode through thought, wow, that would have really sucked and I better remember that thing is there for the next time!  As we rolled on up, THE BIG ROLLING GATE opened and we rode on in.  The place was jam packed, asses to elbows!  Now if you have never been there, Foundry Moto is hard to describe but I will try.  Imagine a tiki bar built for GIANTS!  Everything is lit with torches and the fire danced across all the old iron and shiny new chrome.  You have to ride through a crowd packed in so tight that all you can think of is, don't let me hit any other bikes and please don't let me roll over that patch holder's foot.  There was virtually not a spot to be had to park one bike, much less six.  But here's the thing, I know the lay of the land there and I felt as if I had pulled in to my own driveway.  I lead the pack right through the crowd and the center of main building and parked right between the two main doors right at my favorite palm trees.  One of my favorite things about Foundry's place is the palm trees.  They are all carved in to TIKI GODS and the trees are all still alive.  It's an amazing sight!  We all slipped in tight and the two of us who could not were escorted to even better spots, yeah man, I was home! 



There is one thing that I must admit with total honesty.  I swear that there is no feeling like foot clutching your way through a packed crowd on a 47' Knucklehead.  Everyone turns there head because at first they just hear it and then they see my baby Koko!  She makes quite an entrance and I swear I get about an inch or so added to my junk when it happens.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying wow, look at everyone looking at me, I know damn well, they are only looking at her and I am okay with that, she deserves all the love and respect she gets, she has earned it!  I could not get off that bike fast enough.  As we rolled in there were so many faces that I had never before seen, but man oh man, there they were, so many that I hadn't seen in ages.  For a while there about 2 years ago, Foundry was THE place to be and to be there often.  Not only had they not missed a beat but this shit was bigger and better than ever.  Every direction that I turned in was another friend coming over to say "what's up brother" and not one of them didn't have a huge fuckin smile across their lips.  In that moment, 2 years had not passed since we partied there last, it seemed more like 2 weeks.  We picked up exactly where we left off, or so I thought.  Although things seemed exactly the same they felt totally new and fresh.  The vibe in the air was pure!  I dismounted, said hello to friends and stepped in to the building.  Normally it would be filled to the gills with choppers and only choppers, split in the center by a kick ass hand made copper topped bar and a band over in the corner.  I walked in looked around and was blown away.  The first thing I saw of course was a sick Knucklehead and then two of the baddest SS Impala Low Riders I have ever seen in my life.

You can click on any pic in this post and it will blow up to full size and I suggest you do it, because this shit is worth a bigger better look!  This party was rocking and it had hardly even gotten under way.  About a month or so, my friend Danny G from Foundry had put up a post with a pic and it said, "the half pipe is done".  I remember looking at the pic and thinking God damn, it looks like it takes up half the property.  I was wrong, it only takes up a quarter of the property or should I say a quarter of the acreage!  One of the nicest half pipes I have seen in a long long time!  It was as if there were separate parties going on and all you had to do was cross over an imaginary line and as you did, the music from one slipped right in to the music from the other.  I would bet no less than 50 people dropped in on their decks all night long!  Each showing nothing but respect to each other.  So now my mind starts to wonder, call it shell shock from being around this lifestyle so long, this ain't going to be good.  All these young bucks mixed in with all us old fucks!  I could not have been more wrong!  Not one fight, argument or so much as a cross eyed look across the lot.  THIS WAS UNBELIEVABLE to me.  Like I said, the vibe was just plain PURE!  I bounced from party to party all night long.  Stopping along the way to share a laugh, a drink or a hug with friends old and new.

Too bad I could not fit the entire half pipe in this photo, it was huge!  I understand that Danny G was responsible for this and he deserves mad props for pulling this off, Danny, you fuckin rock my friend.  I had honestly thought about borrowing a deck and saying to hell with it and dropping in.  Common sense reared it's head thank God and I did not.  Worm on the other hand, separated shoulder and recovering from getting side swiped by a jeep at high speed on his bike apparently has no common sense because that crazy bastard did, twice!

I caught this just before testosterone took over for common sense.  This is shortly after Worm took me over to the back corner of the property for a "circle, pep talk"....  It worked better for him.  After our talk, all I could do was stare at the moon, which of course was closer to the earth EVER as I was told last night.

 For once I have more video than stills and I wish I knew how to drop them in here now because you guys would love them.  I could see a big circle forming and people being pushed back and thought, finally, a good ol' American fight!  Well what would you think with all these DIRTBAGS together in one spot?  Since the circle had formed right next to my bike I thought wow, I hope it's a fight and my bike isn't on fire.  As I walked over I thought ah, you're being stupid, that is until I saw them coming over with fire extinguishers..... needless to say, my pace picked up a bit.  Well, my bike was not on fire, but all kinds of shit was!  There was going to be a display, a performance of fire dancing, no big deal, seen that shit before.  Well again, I could not have been more wrong.  These fuckers had chains with flaming maces, metal bars with flaming balls that they spun around with their necks and yes, the first time I have ever seen it, a chick doing the hula hoop... big deal right?  Oh yeah, did I mention that the hula hoop was on FIRE?

Although I love huge parties and love being in the middle of it all, this mad display of fire dancing pulled so many people over to watch it, that I felt claustrophobic, so I hopped off the seat of my knuck and went for a walk.  There were still parts of the shop that I hadn't visited in over a year.  I wanted to see what else had changed.  Man am I glad I did.  They have what you would consider a fair sized "retail" area where they always displayed their many trophies and sold t shirts and kept a huge albino snake and I hadn't been in there since the last time I slept there and piled up all my shit and was awoken with the question, "JACK, DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE SNAKE WENT"?  Let me say this, it was the fastest I had ever awoken and was on my feet in my life!  The retail shop was gone and what they had now on display was nothing shy of spectacular.  Three of the baddest bikes to ever hit the road were on display in there.  That knuck on the top of this post was one of them and the details on that back were like none that I have ever seen.  Rudy blows my mind each and every single time he finishes one of these, what I consider TIME MACHINES!  Just amazing.  The fire show had ended, the crowd went back to where they had been partying before and we just got back to the business of BEING BROTHERS again.  For the first time ever, other than just a hey what's up and how are you, I got to sit down and bullshit with the one and only Slim!  If you don't know who this guy is or what he does, you MUST google his ass and find him, Slim's Fabrications is the company.  Slim, if I got that wrong, forgive me please.  This guy builds shit that not only could I never build, but he builds shit that I could have never even thought of! 

Right now all I can say to you guys is that I am so sorry that I did not take more pics.  I was so busy being happy that I forgot most of the time that I even had my camera on me.  On this night, there was nothing but an amazing moon, incredible hosts, a mind blowing venue to host it all and some of the sickest bikes you have ever seen.  Nothing could be better about this night.  Not one single problem!  Well that is until I walked over to where I had left my crew sitting and as I approached, they were all heading my way with a little extra zeal in their collective steps.  I thought that a pit bull with aids was on the loose by the way that every one on that side of the property, from the entrance gate to the porta pisser was heading my way and quickly.  Being the idiot that I am of course, I had to walk right past them to see why everyone was going the other way.  All you could see, for as far as you could possibly see were red and blue flashing lights.  I said earlier in a face book post, I would have hated to be the cop in the last car to arrive because it had to be a five minute walk from where he had stopped his car to the front of the line of Police vehicles!  So suddenly, I find myself the only one standing smack dead in the middle of the black top lot, not one person around me and I thought for a moment that God was there to take me.  I was bathed in the brightest, whitest light I had ever seen!  Turns out, God was not there to take me, nor was it the light from the moon, it was the massive spot light from the Phx Police Helicopter and it was pointed right on me.... again, here is another spot where I have no photo, but I do have some great video.... 

So now what you have is a party that got a bit loud!  It went I am sure a bit longer with the noise than would be allowed, okay, we'll quiet down, seems like a reasonable response to the police.  YOU WOULD THINK RIGHT?  Wrong!  I have to say right here and now, that had they entered the property all the peace and PURE vibe that had been there all night would have instantly shot to hell and the Foundry Crew knew this.  They stood shoulder to shoulder and would not allow those cops on to the property!  Balls of steel boys, balls of steel!  So here you have a few hundred people who have been drinking and they want everyone to leave?  I guess the cities coffers needed a few more coins because I can only imagine the DUI tickets they would have gladly written.  An ultimatum was given and it was by far one of the most ignorant things I had ever heard.  Everyone, must go inside the building and then the doors must be closed.  So they took a simple noise complaint and turned it in to one of the biggest fire hazards I have ever seen.  Remember the Great White Concert in Long Island?  Had a fire broken out, hundreds of people could have been hurt or died!  TO PROTECT AND SERVE MY ASS!  That was it, the line was drawn in the sand!  My officers will not leave until we see everyone inside and the doors closed!  Out of respect for our hosts, everyone went inside the building where for the inconvenience, now became a come and get it, free open bar.  Like I said, these guys at Foundry Moto are nothing but class.

There was no way that I could be packed in like that, so I pulled my rolled up leather off my scoot, threw it on the ground and lay down next to my sweet Koko Knuck.  A short while later, Worm and Nomad were splitting, it was my chance to bounce as well, strength in numbers right?  I got my shit together in a hurry and kicked the ol' girl to life and we rolled on out, fully expecting to be stopped and cavity searched on the next corner.  Luckily, we were not!  We made it off of the surface streets, it that freeway balls out and got the holy hell out of Dodge!  The evening could not have ended more perfectly than to be barrel assing down the freeway at 1:30 in the morning with great friends and having that freeway damn near to yourself!  I would say that is all to the night, but it was not.  Tomorrow, I'll post the story and the video to go with it about our last stop of the evening at Taco Hell!

I'll say this, Big Chris, Rudy, Matt, Robbie, Danny G and everyone else that I just missed from Foundry Moto, you guys are the epitome of class.  Thank you for treating me so very well when I got there and right up until the moment I kicked over my bike to split!  I can't think of anyone here in Arizona that throws a party like you guys do!  Let's do it again real soon, please don't let it be so long between these gatherings of some of the finest people on earth!  I'll see you on the road soon and again, thank you so very much for putting a Long Ass Overdue Smile on this dirtbag biker's face!  Again, I only wish I had taken more still shots to share with you guys.  If you don't know who Foundry Moto is, then you best Google that shit or something and learn quick, because if these guys are not in your life, YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR LIFE! 

Till we see each other on the road, I am your friend, Jack Shit and please, till that time comes again;
KEEP THE WIND IN YOUR FACE
TITS IN YOUR BACK
AND THE MAN OFF YOUR ASS!