Straight Up The Ass!

Yeah I know, that is one hell of a catchy title to this post and it covers so many possible meanings but how exactly was it meant for this post?  Hell if I know.....  I have been on a roller coaster once again with life, emotion, passion and interest!  So much has gone on in our lives since my last post here that I'm not even sure where to begin.  I'll be right back, I've actually got to go back and see what the last thing I even wrote about was and when, the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's been some time since I fired up the ol' laptop and opened up to you lunatics.

Ah yes, now I remember, Karma and the asshole in the Mercedes that thought running into a guy on a bike was so very much "not a big deal" that he just drove away after doing it!  I can't believe that night was nearly a month ago.  Well so much for me promising to try and post up on here more often, sorry!  I have been busy though so it's not like I've just been fucking off and not writing, I've been out living this nightmare so that I can eventually come back and either bring a smile to your face or piss in your corn flakes, how you take what I say is entirely up to you!

Prior to the night the Mercedes owner thought it would be awesome to add a Jack Shit hood ornament to his new car, I had once again begun to have serious trouble with my back and even more with my sciatic nerve.  So I guess the first use of Straight Up The Ass will refer to what it feels like for me right now.  I feel like Satan himself has drilled his burning, evil, spiked, flame shooting dick up my ass and for as much as I can remember it's going on a solid 5 weeks of this shit!  The pain and discomfort damn near disappears and you don't even notice it and the moment that you realize "wow, is it gone" it hits you again like being tazed!  There seems to be no rhyme nor reason for how or why, but what a pain in the ass, quite literally!  I've used each and every trick I've ever learned to make it ease up or go away.  I've tried every medication, opiate or homeopathic to no avail.  The crazy part of it all is that it is more comfortable for me to sit in the saddle of a bike than it is to sit in the leather seat of my car or couch!  It must have something to do with the devil's dick and what he left in my ass after the last time he banged it!

I had a busy month ahead of me with events in October, two of them were huge and I had to be not only on my game but I needed to perform at the very top of it and that meant simply, knuckle up bitch and act like a man!  I guess I'm a great actor, because I gave an Oscar worthy performance of smiling through the pain and dancing like a trained monkey for the last month.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about what I do by any stretch of the imagination, no matter what my condition, I love making people smile and for the last month it's been really painful to do that.  I thought that all my additional pain and the fact that I was totally exhausted for weeks was due to getting knocked around by that Mercedes and it made complete sense to me.  One night I was sitting on the couch and bit down into a peanut butter cup, nice and soft right?  Out of nowhere, the pain in my tooth shot straight up through my brain and in an instant, my left eye had water running down my cheek.  I jumped up off the couch and actually said out loud, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?!  I reached inside my mouth and touched my gums on the top left side of my mouth and there was massive swelling.  An infection?  Really?  After spending thousands of dollars in dental work from June through August to prevent exactly this from ever happening again, in the very spot they worked on?  MOTHER FUCKER!!!!  I was boiling mad.  Of course it was the weekend so I had to hold off until Monday for any medical attention.

So once again, this dentist has broken it off, well, STRAIGHT UP THE ASS!  At this point all I could hear were the voices of the great many who were kind enough to share all the horror stories of all of their relatives who died or had strokes and were paralyzed from tooth infections that had gotten out of control and here I was, once again, dealing with a massive infection.  At least I now had an answer to why I'd been so exhausted and why each area that I had previously had surgery on hurt so bad and felt so weak.  I'd be okay as long as I did not have a stroke before Monday at 2 pm.  The infection was so massive that you could actually see it on the x-ray!  The dentist just shook his head and for the umpteenth time in my life, I got to hear this very phrase from a doctor who fucked up, "unfortunately, sometimes these things happen."  Really?  Why does it only happen to me days before I am going out of state?  The infection was so severe and the swelling so bad that the post that they drilled into my root actually split the root because there was so much pressure in the pocket.  "Okay I asked, how do we fix that?"  "I'm not really sure, I don't think we can, this is not the optimal situation" this prick had the nerve to say to me.  NO FUCKING SHIT THIS IS NOT THE OPTIMAL SITUATION!  No wonder dentists have the highest suicide rates, they probably have to do it because they want to do it to themselves so that it is less painful than when insane mad patients come back and kill them!  So once again I was off to the pharmacy, once again going to start taking another "Z Pak" and once again waiting for the horrible pain and pressure in my chest to cause a stroke while I waited for this shit to start working.  As I began to put the first two pills in my mouth I thought to myself, "how can I not be immune to this shit yet?"

The weekend and both Doggtoberfest and Bikers For Boobies were rapidly approaching, back to back big events, neither of which I had performed at prior so I had no idea what to expect or worse yet, what was expected of me.  I got up early so that I could muster the energy to get there.  I could not have even a single drink to help make the pain ease up as I was on antibiotics and I was miserable.  I managed to make it through the first event, got home around 1 am and went right to bed.  I should say, crawled into bed I was so damn sore.  The next day, after sleeping less than two hours, I got up and headed over the HD dealer here in town for the kick off and start of the ride.  I was shot to hell and as soon as all of the riders left, I was going home to sleep for two hours before the arrival of more than 1000 bikes to the event.  When I saw the amount of people who showed up for this truly grass roots event I was not only stunned but the joy these folks had in helping somehow made the pain that much more bearable for me.  Knowing that I had back pain and that in no possible way could it ever compare to the cancer that the very people we were trying to help were dealing with, it somehow exited my mind and eased up.  For a brief while, I was a bit embarrassed limping around and moving slowly.  That all ended when I witnessed what was about to take place on stage before anyone else.  What I saw on the side of the stage were fireman, Marines, thugs and gangsters and they were each wearing a hand made bra and we were about to auction them off!  They put aside all their pride and in the true spirit of giving walked proudly up on to that stage and sold themselves!

 We thought that we would begin the bidding at 20 bucks each on the bras and hope to get maybe 50 bucks a piece for them and raise some much needed cash.  I became the live auctioneer and the crowd went apeshit!  I can't remember how many of these bras sold for $300 or more but I know most sold for at least $200, far more than anyone could have ever imagined.  As I had the last "model" exit the stage, the founder of the event, the current reigning Miss Arizona Bike Week, Shelley snuck up behind me and said, "lift up your shirt".  What?  "Lift up your damn shirt" she said.  Uhm, okay, but why?  "Because you ain't walking away from this unscathed" she answered.  Damn it, I should have seen this coming, Straight Up The Ass, but this time, I took it for a good cause.  So here ya go.  If you've ever wondered what your fat friend Jack Shit looks like wearing a custom Green Bay Packers bra in front of 1300 people, wonder no more!

Only by the grace of God himself was I far too chubby for that thing to clasp behind my back!  Needless to say, we got a shit ton of money for this one!  I just kept hearing my own words play over and over in my head, "there is never a wrong time to do the right thing", so I just rolled with it.  I guess this is payback for the hundreds of women over the years that I pulled from crowds and had them take their bras off!  The universe is a funny place!

By the end of the night I could barely stand much less walk, but oddly enough, even though I could hardly do the physical, it wasn't pain that kept me from doing it.  My pain level had dropped dramatically, it was just being a broken ass old man that had me moving so slow.  I believe that all the rip roaring laughter, the non stop smiling and having only an hour earlier given away a $50k bike that Paul Yaffe's bagger nation had done an amazing job customizing to a lucky winner from a raffle that had me so naturally high that most of my pain had left and only exhaustion remained, it was quite a feeling.  In the end, after all the expense of hosting a massive event such as this were covered, a check for $20,000 was given to Casting For Recovery!  I was both humbled and honored to have played part in this event.  In just four short years, this event has grown from a few people who gathered to go for a ride for a cause to a major annual event.  So don't ever say or think that you are only one person and you can't make a difference, because right here is the very proof that you can.  I had two days to rest and then I was off to Daytona Beach for Biketoberfest. That's plenty of time to make a full recovery right?  Apparently not!

On an important side note and one that makes me believe that the world is truly a good place I wanted to share this with you.  Tickets for the bike were sold all over the country and I got to pull the winner and we took the phone number from the ticket and Paul Yaffe called the winner right from the stage.  Unfortunately it went to his answering machine.  As it turns out, the reason the winner didn't answer was because he was at the hospital supporting his brother who had just begun receiving chemo therapy!   Now that is all that is good and right in this world!  I pray that he makes a speedy recovery!

I'll share how that all went down tomorrow, right now I can't sit here any longer because my friggin ass hurts too bad to sit!  God damned sciatic nerve!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Karma AIN'T always a bitch!

I'm sitting here on the couch writing this with every single muscle in my body wrenched and aching and I am thrilled about it!  Why would anyone be thrilled that every muscle in their body hurts you may ask?  The reason simply is because the muscles all hurt but the bones aren't all broken!  I still have both of my legs and I walked from my bed to my couch, slow as it was, I still walked there! 

Never again will I complain about my bad luck, nor will I ever ask about when will Karma rear it's head and make its presence known because last night, muscle memory, nearly 30 years of riding motorcycles and the skills that I've acquired from those years, Karma and what I would have to say was the HAND OF GOD all appeared in a split second!  I've been a lot of things and I've done a lot of things in this life of mine so far, but for the very first time, last night, I became the hood ornament of a Mercedes Benz, a very, very expensive Mercedes Benz!

Those of you who know me or follow my writing know that as much as I'm known for making people laugh, I'm known for being brutally honest.  When I tell you this story you are going to say, NO FUCKING WAY, and as I've relayed this story so far, I find myself saying NO FUCKING WAY, you must be mistaken, you must be exaggerating, you must be completely full of shit or you must just be plain and simple, out of your friggin mind Jack!  Had there not been 20 witnesses who re-played the events in their own minds and shared them with me, I myself would not believe the event that transpired last night.  The crazy part is that from no matter what angle it was witnessed, no matter what position they were in when they heard the crunching of bike and body parts or where they were in the pack, everyone has the same details.  I can say this though, you forget just how good it feels to be alive right up until that is nearly taken from you and then you cherish it!  So what happened?  Well I'll tell ya!

Even now, nearly 11 hours later as I type this, I find myself still shaking my head in total disbelief.  Just as it's been for the last few months, on the first Friday of each month, we meet up over at HD of Scottsdale and take a ride down to the Dirty Dogg Saloon in Scottsdale for what we call First Friday.  With each First Friday ride that passes, the number of riders and attendees grows as the heat decreases.  Last night was probably the most bikes that we left the store with, the most beautiful weather that we've had so far and a fantastic mix of riders, it was perfect, what could go wrong and this was only the start of the night.  Hell, we were only riding like 8 miles on a crystal clear night.  We left the dealership on the same route we take each and every single time and were just rolling down the road, side by side 20 or more of us.  We had a green light as we approached the intersection and when I say green, I mean a long green light, not a light that just changed to green.  We entered the intersection as the Mercedes rolled up to it only slowing enough to make the right turn without losing control but never did the driver even attempt to stop and being so very close to the car, never did he even turn his head to look to see if anyone was coming.  So we are rolling about 45 -50 mph, I just crossed the cross walk and I'm on the right hand edge of the road, riding the line of the shoulder and there is now a big ass Mercedes in front of me!  I MEAN RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!

By the grace of God, the rider next to me saw what was happening and shot over to the left.  I held my line as long as I could so as not to take out the bike but out of the corner of my eye, I could see that she had shot left and so did I!  When I tell you that I used every single muscle in my body to move that Road Glide left, I mean EVERY SINGLE MUSCLE.  I swear even my sphincter hurt and I may have squeezed so hard that I actually busted out a hemorrhoid and my eye sockets hurt.  I laid the bike over as far as I could left and we were in the intersection at the same time.  I knew in an instant that if I hit the brakes there would be no way on earth to stop the bike and it would change the rule of objects in motion tend to stay in motion and set the bike in to a wobble and I would have hit the car dead on, so instead, I kicked it down a gear, dumped the clutch and opened the throttle wide!  I managed to get even with the left front corner of the bumper and quarter panel when I felt and heard the crunch.  As the bumper came to meet the bike at the rear floor board I raised my leg up and over the front of the car and got near sideways in front of the car and I could feel myself getting pushed and damn near out of control but I never came off of the throttle and I managed to stay somehow even I guess in speed and direction of the car.  At no time ever, as the bikes behind us would later express did this asshole EVER touch his brakes even as he was pushing me through the second cross walk.  Maybe it was the fact that I never came off of the throttle, maybe it was the fact that I had the bars cut hard left or maybe it was the hand of God himself who gave me that little extra push that I needed but the bike stood straight back up and I got in front of the car with the bike in a full on wobble.  I spun around expecting to see the right side bag just obliterated or missing all together but it was there.  I looked down and expected to see my leg either hanging off or missing all together but it too was there.  I looked in to my mirror to see all the bikes sliding around both sides of the car and I could hear someone screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU" at the driver. 

My first instinct out in front of him was to raise my hand up, shake my fist and hold my middle finger up in the air.  All the bikes ended up out in front of the car, each flipping him off and I remained out front, shaking so hard that I thought the front end of the bike was wasted.  It took a few minutes to realize that I had my arms locked at the elbows and it was me who was shaking the front end.  I passed all the bikes who had shot over to the shoulder to hop off and help at the accident scene and just rolled ahead shaking my head in disbelief.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop shaking my head.  The next time I looked in the mirror, the Mercedes was gone!  I don't know if he made a U turn, if he made the next left or what he did, but that motherfucker was GONE!  As I rode to the bar at speeds from 5 - 50 mph and no rhyme or reason as to what speed I was currently traveling at, each rider rode up next to me, shaking their heads and making hand gestures with their fingers an inch or so apart, like fuck man, that was so close!  We arrived at the bar and my head was still shaking back and forth in total shock.  I got off the bike fully expecting to have to bungee closed what was left of my saddle bag and found no damage.  How the hell can that be?  I heard the crunch, other folks heard the crunch, WE ALL HEARD THE CRUNCH!  Upon closer inspection, the only marks on the bag were from end to end, all the road grime and dirt had been removed!  I could not even find a scratch in the paint.  I found some black marks on the air cleaner and the rear floorboard had been pushed up straight but that was it, how could that be?  Each time that I went outside the bar to smoke, I would see people gathered around the right side of the bike looking for the damage that I must have missed but they too only found the same things I did, virtually nothing.....

YES, REALLY, THIS IS ALL THAT HAPPENED!  A streak of unknown black shit on the air cleaner cover and the dirt removed on the saddle bag!  Madness, just plain madness!


As we screwed around in the bar for the next few hours, person after person walked up and just laughed and said, "how's it feel to be alive?"  "God had your back man" and "get your ass to church and then race over to the casino, now!"  All I knew was that I was alive and it felt amazing!  Every sense in my body was at full attention and although my back felt a bit strange and I was walking funny, I felt pretty damn good.  Well pretty damn good until my mass endorphin rush began to subside and with each passing minute that it did, I got more and more sore and more and more stiff!  I guess that I never got my leg fully over the bumper as I thought I did because now it hurt like a som-bitch!  My back muscles were so wrenched that I could barely raise my arms and my right arm at the elbow clicked with each movement!  I could not stand for more than a few minutes at a time and when I sat, it felt like lightning bolts were shooting from my right leg to my neck.  The real kicker was that I just didn't care, I was alive and I was in-tact!  For what I had just gone through that in and of itself was a miracle and I'll be forever grateful that my good Karma finally showed the hell up and paid off its long over due balance! 

My trip to Cali for the weekend is off and I could care less because I am alive to do it any time that I want!  I won't ever complain, you will never hear it or read it from me again about my shitty luck or wondering when Karma will appear.  We always think of Karma in the aspect of paybacks, you know, Karma will catch up to his ass and then he'll get what he deserves.  We never think of our good Karma, what we put out in the world and it coming back to us, but I'm thinking of it now!  Like I always say, live each and every single day to the fullest as we never know if it will be our last!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

..... and don't become a hood ornament on a Mercedes

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Dreams Come True Only If You Chase Them

Sweet 5 lb 8 oz Baby Jesus, what a night in Vegas!  Last night I got to live out a dream.  For someone like me, who does what I do, this was a highlight of my career and really, one of the highlights of my life.  Let me fill you in on what happened.  A whole bunch of you already know because you were here for it, but even those of you who were here, may not know what led up to this or how it even came to be.

We got to Vegas on Wednesday night, got our shit together and ran on down to Hogs where apparently everyone we know was down there and busting our balls to get there as soon as possible.  On the walk over, we ran into Jack and Terry, the owners of the Dirty Dogg Saloon in AZ.  You guys know this place, it is where I host events during Bike Week and such.  They are great guys and nothing but class.  I told them where we were heading and they too were on their way down.  We stood on the corner of Freemont Street and talked about how long it had been since Diane and I had been to Vegas.  I mentioned that I had the chance of a lifetime to perform here in March during Nascar but I had to be in Daytona to work The Spoke.  I told them how bummed out I was that I never got the chance to play Vegas.  I also mentioned that the comic that I was going to work with was performing this weekend while we are here and that they should check her out.  With that, we headed down to the bar.  About an hour or so after being there, I'm walking back to my table and I see Bag Lady Sue and ask her how it's going?  What she had planned and who she was performing with?  No one, it's just me was her answer.  I said oh hell, you should let me at least announce you and bring you up on stage.  She said better yet, why don't you perform with me.  You can open the show.  I said well I don't know about that, I haven't done stand up in 15 months.  You can go up, bring me up and if you feel good, do a few minutes, if you feel great do 10 or fuck man, just do whatever you want.  Shows are Thursday, Friday and Saturday.  So I said "fuck it, I'm in" and from that moment on, I've been a nervous wreck.  Thursday came and I said that I will work Friday and see how it goes but there is no way I'm doing 3 nights.

I wake up at 10 am on Friday, nervous as hell and can't stop thinking about what I've gotten myself into?  Diane then informs me, it hasn't been 15 months, it's more like 25, nearly 26 months since I've done any stand up..... well that makes me feel much better.....  so I spent the entire day, sleeping, shitting, sleeping, shitting.  I got out of bed just about 8pm last night, went down to the Canyon Club in the casino, met up with Bags, drank two Jager Bombs, grabbed a sharpie and piece of paper and at 8:25 wrote a show that I was now going to perform in half an hour.  I got on that stage with my hands shaking like a crack head needing a hit.  I mustered up a big ol', trademark, "WHAT'S UP MOTHER FUCKERS" and it was on like donkey kong!  My intro, turned into a few minutes that turned to 5, 10, 20 and closer to a 30 minute show and the audience went nuts.  I've got to admit, it felt really great to be back on stage doing stand up, that I use to love to do so very much.  It has re-ignited a fire in me.

Last night, for the first time ever, I PLAYED THE STAGE IN LAS VEGAS, a comedian's dream and you know what?  I FUCKING KILLED IT!  I just want to say thank you to all that came out to support me and the show.  I was stunned when I saw you all coming in!  I hope you guys had a blast.  So tell your friends, looks like we will be doing it again tonight, but just typing that makes my stomach turn and now I've got to go shit again!  So tell your friends, come down to the 4 Queens on Freemont Street in Vegas and laugh your troubles away, if only for a little escape from reality.

Until we see each other again on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

Vegas Bike Fest Bitches!

Well so far, Vegas has been an absolute blast.  We planned on leaving real early to beat the heat but Diane had to work all day and I could not even finish packing the bike until she got home.  First bump in the road.  Second bump, Phoenix rush hour traffic, 103 degrees going traffic light to traffic light.  The heat was frying us and all I could think about was the old drug ad, "this is your brain, this is your brain on a Harley in bumper to bumper traffic"!  Once we finally got moving, the stress of the day, the traffic and business peeled away with each passing mile and as the spectacular sun set behind the mountains, we were back to being ourselves.

I always keep my phone turned off when I take road trips to save the battery in case something happens.  With our original plan to arrive in Vegas by 1pm the latest, when I turned on the phone, it was filled with messages from fb, voice mail and texts from people who were worried about us and message after message about getting our asses down to Hogs!  It seemed that EVERYONE was at Hogs already.  It was like walking into a reunion as we got there.  It was nearly overwhelming, in each and every direction that we turned, there was someone that we hadn't seen in a real long time.  The fact that Diane was with me proved to many that she is not really a figment of my imagination.  It is so funny that people who have never met her, absolutely adore her because they have learned so much about her from my sharing so openly our lives with the world. 

 We finally decided to go inside the bar, get a drink and say hello to Ms. Michelle, el jeffe of Hogs!  The last thing Diane said as we left the hotel was, "grab my license, don't forget"....  well I forgot!  So as we stood at the door, exhausted from the trip, I handed the door man my i.d. and proceeded to tell him that I forgot Diane's.  I asked him, "hey man, I left hers in the room, can she still get in"?  I'm friends with Michelle, does that help?  He laughed and said, I only hear that 200 times a day.  So I told him that on the 201st, it was true.  Then I asked, does it help any that I work for Cycle Source and he said well hell yeah, that helps a lot!  With that, Michelle came screaming through the door, damn near knocking this wall of a man aside, wrapped her arms around me, then Diane and I looked at the door man and winked.... he laughed and said "201st times a charm"!  Since Wednesday, we've more or less spent all of our time that we've not been in bed, down at Hogs!  We did run down to Cashman Center to pick up our media passes and we were lucky enough to catch the Artistry In Iron show and the level of the bikes were incredible. 

I don't have any pics as I want to leave that as a surprise for you all in upcoming issues of EVERY major bike mag out there!  Stellar scoots, amazing people and an awesome spread of food for all left nothing to be desired, it was all TITS!  Then afterwards, you guessed it, straight back to Hogs!  I could go on and on, but I won't.  I just wanted to keep you guys up to date on our trip so far.

The big news that has come out of this trip is my return to STAND UP COMEDY.  It's been nearly 15 months since I've performed straight stand up and I have to say, I'm nervous as hell and wonder how I get myself into this shit?  So tonight, at the 4 Queens Casino on Freemont Street, the Real Vegas to me, Bag Lady Sue and I will take to the Stage at 9 pm.  If you are in town, c'mon down, if your friends are here, let them no.  I've not really had any time to let people know this was going on!  Wish me luck!

Until we see each other again on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

Another great moment in Suck off History!

I'll share with you a brief back story before you watch this video.  Very rarely do I ever get frazzled while working.  Till this day, I'm still freaking out like you can't believe until I go on stage, scream "what's up mother fuckers" into the mic and let all that energy out.  From there on, it is usually smooth sailing for me.  No event ever goes without its share of troubles, drama or bumps in the road, but on this night, with a capacity crowd that was fired up and waiting for a re-match of our now legendary oil wrestling, I got pulled aside by one of my bosses Frank.  I say one of my bosses because pretty much everyone, right on down to the parking lot attendants are my bosses at The Spoke.  Anyway, Frank says and I quote "now don't get worked up, we have a crisis and what I need is a way to avert it, I need that answer quickly and I don't need you flipping out"!  Okay, no big deal, what could be so bad?  We own this crowd, we've shown them the best time they have ever had at Laconia (our guests words, not mine) and we've got a bunch of girls who are about to get oiled down and wrestle for a few thousand people, what could possibly put a monkey wrench in those spokes?  Is the band running late, have we once again sold Budweiser out of Bud Light, nothing is going to upset me!  Frank says "I bet I can prove you wrong on that statement".  The girls are not coming!  "So what, who cares, what girls" I asked, not really caring.  The wrestlers are not coming!  WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?  I had spent all day long, promoting the return of oil wrestling, the pool was in place, the baby oil sitting in the cup holders of the pool!  What the fuck are we going to do, they are going to riot?  I had to think and think fast.  There was no way to make it in to town with the tire to tire traffic on the only road in.  Okay, he was right, I was fucking freaked out!  We had walked away from the action so that we were able to hear each other speak and hash this nightmare out.  Then my eyes moved from side to side as I was shaking my head in anger and disgust when I saw them!  Sausages, lots and lots of sausages!  Then it hit me like a lightning bolt from the Gods themselves!  We are going to have, the first ever, Laconia, Broken Spoke Saloon, Spring Suck Off!  The rest my friends as they say is history!  I hope you all enjoy this!  I really needed a good pick me up after the week that I just went through and finding these old videos that my dear friend Rodeo was kind enough to send me surely did the trick!

Until we see each other on the road again,
Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

This is how you make memories!

So you guys always read about me saying that what I do is make memories.  This was one of those.  I can't tell you how many messages I got when the event was over and my hand was sore from how many people, both men and women alike who high fived me after the contest was over.  We are only 24 days out from Biketoberfest down in Daytona and we really hope that you will come on over the the World Famous Broken Spoke Saloon and party with us.  I've said it many times, YOU AIN'T SEE NOTHING YET!  For all of those who made the 89th annual Laconia Rally so amazing, thank you.  I promise you, Daytona Biketoberfest and The Spoke will not let you down!  If you think this was fun, just wait until you see the DILDO IN THE HAYSTACK COMPETITION!

See ya on the road soon.

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Paying It Forward

So it's a good time to share this with you.  I mentioned this a few weeks ago and had a pretty overwhelming response, but I only did it on Face Book.  I reach a much smaller audience there than I do here.  We had come up with this idea prior to The Sturgis Rally this past August but didn't have time to implement it before the event took place, but we still have time to pull it off now!

Are you an artist, a jewelry maker, a parts designer/manufacturer, a leather worker, and engraver, a bike builder, do you pinstripe, have you developed a motorcycle related product that will change the world and you are just starting out and can't really afford to come to the MEGA rallies and rent space to become a vendor and share your work with the world?  Are you a charity or do you represent a charity and you want to get your message to the masses?  What would you do if I told you that The Broken Spoke Saloon wants to help you?  It's our time to give back!  THE BROKEN SPOKE GIVES BACK is the official position that we have taken going in to Biketoberfest in Daytona next month!  We are expecting huge crowds once again for this upcoming rally and we want to help you to become part of it.

I've met so many people throughout the years that work out of their garages, storage spaces, in tiny little sheds in the back yard and even on the dining room table trying to chase their dream and produce a final product that they can be proud to call their very own.  A great many times these folks don't make it, although their creations were amazing, very few people ever learned of them.  We want to help you show the world exactly how amazing those creations are!  How are we going to do that?  We can do this because it is our place, we can say who sets up shop on the property and who doesn't and the best part is, we can decide exactly what that costs!  What will that cost you?  You will be stunned when you find out, so it is up to you to ask the question.  Perhaps your reading this right now and are saying well I'm not one of those people you mentioned above, but, my brother is, my sister is, the fabricator who hasn't even heard of the internet yet is, well I call on you to make them aware of this opportunity we are affording them.  THE BROKEN SPOKE WANTS TO GIVE BACK!  Do you know of a veterans charity that needs to have their voice heard, now is your chance to do something to give back to the troops as well!  We are opening up our hearts and our doors to all of you.  Don't miss out on this opportunity

Now don't go thinking "ut oh, The Spoke doesn't have anybody on the property this rally" because you would be so very wrong.  We've recently done a total re-vamp on the lay out of how the property will be set up for this rally and realized that we've got some space now to do something that we've been talking about wanting to do for some time now and we are doing it!  We have builders, artists, the tattoo shop will be up and running and your favorite vendors whom you've come to know and love will once again be at The Spoke with us for this party too and before you get worried and start thinking, "Jack Shit didn't mention the bikini bike wash girls", well now I have and YES they will be back too!  We've also added a motorcycle rodeo to help keep everyone entertained and what would a bike party be without bike games?  Yes we will be hosting a huge bike show with a very special addition this year, we are also hosting a Trike Show, aptly named, Triketoberfest.  We'll be having insane contests once again that you have also come to know, love and expect and I give you my word that we are doing everything in our powers to make this the very best Biketoberfest that you have ever attended!

So the countdown is on and we have only one mission for this event and that mission is to help you dirty ol' bikers make some of the greatest memories you've ever made.

If you missed a previous post that I made last week about "only being as good as your word", you can find that post on the right side of the main page.  What was it about you ask?  It was about The Spoke keeping its promise to you, a promise that we tried to make and were not able to pull it off and now we have, the following image will serve as one hell of a good hint.

So by now you've got to be thinking to yourself, "self, this is a pretty friggin cool thing that The Spoke is doing but how do I become part of this"?  I'm going to tell you right now.  If you would like to be part of this rally and have the chance that you have never before had and may never again have, then all you need to do is contact us.  Leave a comment here with your contact info, send me an email at Jackschit@brokenspoke.com or reach out to one of our head honchos at heather@brokenspoke.com and say "hey, what do I have to do to take part in The Broken Spoke Gives Back" and you will get all the info you need!

We are going to once again throw one hellified biker party for you and we look forward to serving your every wicked need and twisted request, as allowed by law of course.  We can't break them, but we are quite talented at bending them pretty well!  As we get closer to the event, we will be dropping more and more info on you folks to further excite and entice you.  Like I said above, this is an opportunity that has never before been offered by anyone, anywhere and we are doing it because there is never the wrong time to do the right thing and we are PAYING IT FORWARD as our way of saying thank you to all the riders of the world and for those who get em up and out on the road too!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Never give up the fight!

Well howdy ho folks!  Once again I find myself sitting alone on the couch at 1am thinking and once that starts, there is virtually no way to stop it.  This leaves me three options;

Option 1:  Rub one out!  Well with my lack of imagination, poor concentration and nothing but Titanic on cable, this is not an option.

Option 2:  Take to Face Book and get in to the topic that has ruined my day, pissed me off and left the most foul of tastes in my mouth, thus once again causing a wave of "un-friending".

Option 3:  Turn on the Blog, start typing and just let the shit fly, knowing full well that if you maniacs are reading this, the odds on me pissing you off are pretty slim.

Tonight, I really had to decide between Options 1 and 3 but as I unzipped my pants, MY HEART WILL GO ON began to play and a vision of Celine Dion popped in to my head and now I'm not sure how long it will be before I can even get another erection, so I'm going with Option 3, what choice do I have?

As it turns out, this post will run the course of everything from fuck the system to it's a miracle!  What do you say we start with fuck the system?  Good, that was my choice as well.  As many of  you will remember from previous posts, knowing me in real life or just some beauty parlor gossip, on my last trip to Daytona for Bike Week back in March, Diane became very ill.  For those of you who have only begun to follow this blog, my writing or are a new friend on Face Book recently, I'll say this; back in March while I was in Daytona, Diane got very ill.  Okay now we are all on the same page, so I can continue.  At first, I was concerned.  Shortly thereafter, concerned rolled into afraid and that was rapidly followed by the magical combination of terror and guilt.  I felt guilty because I was away and there was absolutely nothing that I could do for her.  With each phone call, Diane told me not to worry, that it was not that big of a deal and all she needed was some rest.  Early on, I believed it but with each call that passed, I could hear her sounding worse and worse.  One thing I've figured out is that when I am away, there is virtually nothing that can make Diane tell me that anything is wrong.  No matter if she hits a vein when she does her shot and ends up mainlining that poison straight into her heart or her eyes get so blurry that she can't see, I never find out about any of this until I arrive home.  She just never wants me to worry when I'm on the road and God love her for that!  I remember walking away from the main stage at The Spoke saying, "hang on baby, it's really loud, let me try and get somewhere that I can try to hear you".  "Are you okay baby", I asked and my jaw dropped when I heard her answer NO, NO I'M NOT!  She tried to explain what was going on, how bad the pain in her head and eyes were and that each time that she stood up, the room spun and she threw up.  "Is it a migraine" I asked and I'll never forget her answer, "I'm praying that it is" she said.  Who the hell prays for a migraine?

To make a very long story short, it was far worse than a migraine and eventually it got to the point where I could no longer get a hold of her.  The last thing she said was "I can't stand up", I'll call you back in a few.  That was the last time that I heard from her.  I called relentlessly all to no avail.  To say that I was panicked would be the understatement of a lifetime!  I was frazzled.  I didn't have to tell anyone at The Spoke that something was wrong because each and every single person saw it on my face.  I had to call a friend who lived 35 minutes away, give them the lock box code and the alarm code and beg them to get to the house to check on her and pray that the dogs didn't bite her as she came in.  Waiting for the call to let me know what was going on felt like an eternity.  When she arrived, Diane was in really bad shape and I can't remember now if she found her on the floor or on the bed.  My phone rang, I answered it and all I heard was "Jack, this is really bad and I don't know what to do"!  With that my heart sank and I wanted to puke instantly.  CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE I shouted into the phone.  "Diane won't let me" was the response.  Eventually she made it to the hospital and was loaded up on all kinds of shit and an IV and a few shots of morphine had done nothing to help.  I think the combination of Demoral and the Morphine finally did the trick and she began to rest.  She was ordered to get to her Neurologist immediately!

Upon my return home from Florida that is exactly what we did.  The doctor ordered all kinds of tests to get to the bottom of this episode.  The most important of these tests was the MRI.  When we lived in Jersey, Diane had them every 6 months to monitor the progress of the MS.  Now we have to go to war with the insurance company for everything.  So now remember, this is in March right?  Well last week, yes, last fucking week, the insurance company finally approved the MRI.  Can you imagine that?  We pay $900 bucks per month for Diane's health insurance alone and it took more than 6 months for them to approve this!  I guess maybe they were banking on it being a brain tumor and her dying before approving it and therefore saving them some money.  As of right now, NO OTHER TEST HAS BEEN APPROVED YET!  $900 bucks per month and still no approvals.  We are not asking for any radical, experimental treatment or some far out test, these are all diagnostics that go along with her condition!  I now know why people snap and go off, just plain losing it and  going to these offices or the dmv and places just like those and go on sprees that become national tragedies.  I could never understand what drove someone to lose it so badly, I am beginning to understand it now!

If this is what paying nearly 12 grand a year for gets you with health insurance, what do you think it will be like when it is govt. mandated?  It is an absolute disgrace the way these companies act!  They take your money and refuse to give you service, hoping that with enough denial letters, you will give up the fight and just quit "bothering them".  NEVER GIVE UP THE FIGHT!

At the beginning of this post, I said that it would go from anger to miracle I believe, so where is the miracle part you ask?  Well here it is.  Although we have absolutely no answer to the questions that came from what the hell happened to Diane in March, Diane had the MRI's a few days ago and the results came back that her MS was stable!  She is still diagnosed with relapsing / remitting Multiple Sclerosis and it has not become Primary Progressive and that my friends after 12 years with this diagnosis is a miracle!  We will never know if the medicine that she takes, also another grand a month is actually doing anything for her, but since she has shown no further progression of the disease, how can we ever stop her taking it?  The doctors mostly attribute Diane's current condition to her Diet, staying in good shape and the fact that SHE NEVER GAVE UP THE FIGHT!  Every day is a battle, some are little skirmishes and others are full on trench and chemical warfare, whichever they are, she just keeps her head down and her rifle up and keeps on firing back!  So there you have it.  We have not one single, solitary answer after 6 long, painful months of what happened to Diane those two days in March and I guess we never will, but right now, she is doing well and that is all that we can ask for!

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you all for the messages that you send, the phone calls that you make and the posts that you guys put up checking on her.  Sometimes, Monday comes and I forget that it is Diane's shot night and all I have to do is turn on the lap top, open up Face Book and there are all the well wishes that her shot goes well.  People from all over the world know that Monday is shot night and that just blows my mind!  Even in the worst of times, the kindness and the generosity of some people is just incredible!  We are blessed to have so many people, kind, caring people in our corner pulling for her to be well or to get well.  I don't know that I will ever be able to share with you how much that means to us.

So remember now, if you find yourself facing the abyss, no matter what may lay ahead, NEVER GIVE UP THE FIGHT and we will be right there for  you as you have been for us!  Oh, I nearly forgot,
FUCK THE SYSTEM!  FUCK MS!  FUCK THE PAIN & FUCK THE INSURANCE COMPANIES!  

Live each and every single moment for the moment, give until it hurts, love with all of your heart, be kind when you don't want to be and above all else, be fucking honest!  Not one of us will ever know what tomorrow may bring or if there will even be a tomorrow so make the very best you can of every second you have and live it and live it as loud and as fast as you can!


Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

RANDOM ACTS OF BULLSHIT

Well we are sorry sir, it's just that you were picked randomly to receive this drug test.  Well sir, we are sorry but you have been randomly selected for the physical pat down from one of our obviously qualified TSA Agents, we regret to inform you sir, but you were randomly picked from this line of traffic for a routine motor vehicle inspection.  I've long believed that there was nothing truly "random" about any of these situations and more yet I always seem to find myself in them.  If you used the same equation, the same mathematical formula that I get selected for these other things then one would have to believe that I would also have the same odds of "randomly" winning a 50/50, a scratch off lottery ticket, a pull of the slot machine's arm or even so much as a God damned door prize at a charity event but I NEVER, EVER get randomly selected for those.  I have to admit, it is pissing me off!

This last month, I went to the doctor, the same doctor that I've been seeing for more than 8 years and I walk in the door and put a urine collection cup on the counter.  I knew the answer, but I had to ask, "what's that for"?  Well sir, you've been randomly selected by our computer for drug testing.  It is amazing how damn near every single month, I'm "randomly" selected.  You would think after 8 years of passing these fucking tests for them they would just realize that I'm not ON DRUGS!  Not only that, but I took a monster piss just prior to leaving my house and it would be hours before I'd ever have to go again, I was not going to wait hours in the doctor's office to take a piss and I flipped the hell out!  I let in to the girl, a girl I'd never seen before at this office and tore her a new asshole and it didn't phase her in one bit, she just handed me the cup!  Diane was laughing her ass off and at the same time begging me to quiet down.  I bitched in the lobby, at the desk, on the scale for the official weigh in (like I'm going in to a prize fight), while getting my blood pressure taken and even boiling mad, just so you guys don't worry about me, it was still good and finally when the person in charge walked in.  I just pissed and moaned, ranted and raved about screw this and enough of that and I didn't see the old lady get handed a "random" cup etc etc.

Today had to be the topper of it all though.  We had to run up to Peoria to show a friend a home that he and his wife were considering purchasing.  I noticed something stuck to the top of my robo garbage can.  I knew we were running late as we had to meet an appraiser as well, but I had to see what the hell was taped to my can.  THIS WAS TAPED TO MY CAN!

Just in case you find it difficult to read, I've taken another photo a bit closer so that you don't have to squint.  This was the part that just made me shake my head and all I could think was "are you fucking kidding me"?

If things aren't bad enough with every other thing that I'm "randomly" selected for, this has to be the very best of all of them.  Really?  You just happened to pick my garbage can to randomly inspect?  It's not because of the bikes constantly parked at the house or the scumbags I consider to be dear friends that lurk outside smoking the occasional cigarette that drew your attention?  Did they think that the by products from my meth lab were just placed on the top of my garbage can, above the old copies of Diane's People Magazine?  I assume that someone walking by on their way to school or walking their dog was drinking a can of coke and as they passed, lifted the lid and threw it in.  One would have thought that I was throwing away depleted uranium waste.  I was also informed that although I was "not in compliance" with the established regulations, this would only serve as a warning.  So now I guess MORE "random" garbage can inspections are heading my way to make sure "I'm in compliance"!  This is what we've become?  Peeking in our neighbors garbage cans?  Do I have to take my garbage to the curb and then before the truck picks it up, do a self inspection to make sure that no "non compliant" trash has found its way in to my friggin can? 

Soldiers are dying, kids go hungry, 43 million Americans are now on food stamps, the economy is in the toilet and we are still at around 9% nationally in unemployment but the GARBAGE CAN INSPECTORS are gainfully employed and don't worry folks, they are here to protect us from ourselves, whether we like it or not!  I can't begin to put in to words just how fucking sick and tired I am of all of this ridiculous bullshit!  I really have had about all one can take.  I am done, revolution is calling and next week, I WILL MAKE MY STAND and I will throw two Coke cans in!  As I type this, Forrest Gump is once again playing on tv in the background and all I can think is how much better off we'd all be with him holding the positions some of these other fools hold!  These are just magical times we are living in my friends.  Enjoy them before you are "randomly" selected for something you can't stand too!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ASS and out of your garbage cans!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

You are only as good as your word!

They say that a man is only as good as his word and I guess that would be the same for a business or for that matter your favorite bar!  I mean hell, to find someone that lives up to their word these days is like going in to the woods to look for Big Foot, you are pretty sure that it is out there but will you ever find it, doubtfully.  I'm a firm believer in "if you say you are going to do something, then damn well do it"!

Last year, right about this same time, I made a big announcement and everyone was totally pumped about it!  I can't even begin to tell you about the amount of emails, facebook comments and messages that I got asking me about the announcement.  It was the most excited I had seen people over one simple announcement.  It seemed that within 24 -36 hours, I can't remember, I was too pissed off to be accurate any more, I had to rescind the announcement and tell everyone that it was not going to happen.  Then I got more messages and some of them included everything from "well that sucks", "well you suck", "were you just pulling our chains", "anything to boost hits to your page" and shit like that.  At least the "well that sucks" part was accurate.  You see we worked so hard to track down, put in a bid, make an offer, get a verbal YES and that made us feel confident enough to make the announcement.  Shortly after, we got kicked in the nuts, the show wasn't going to happen.  We tried to pull off something that we weren't sure we could even do.  You see, immediately after playing with us, for you guys, the band was to leave to head over to the Middle East and entertain the troops and as it turns out, there was just no way to squeeze the gig in.  To say we were upset would not even begin to come close to how we felt.  We had to make the announcement that the show was cancelled and luckily, since we do nearly every major concert for free at The Spoke, we didn't have to return any ticket money. 

So here we are, those announcements were as good as "GIVING OUR WORD" and then we broke it............   OR DID WE?  Well it has taken us a year to keep our word but this has been the first and only chance that we have been able to pull this off!  When I came to work at The Spoke I told you all that if we screw it up, we will own up and we will try to fix it.  If there is something you don't like, let us know and we will try to make it better and above all else, WE ARE GOING TO DO, WHAT WE SAY WE ARE GOING TO DO!  So in the spirit of being as good as our word, here ya go.

This is going to be one hell of a night at The Legendary Broken Spoke Saloon during Biketoberfest so make plans to get there early, party your asses off with us and get a good spot for the show!  If the reaction to last year's post is any hint of how good this night is going to be then we are all in for making some serious memories! 

We've got so much planned for you all for this rally but I'm not ready to spill the beans on all of it yet but believe me, it is coming soon!  So spread the word, share this post, let your friends know that on October 18th, there will only be one place to be during Biketoberfest and you guys know where that is!

I've just crossed that mystical line.  That line when you know you have an event coming up and you are in a laid back, chill pattern of working and getting things done because you seem to have all the time in the world, then you cross that "30 day line" and it suddenly becomes HOLY SHIT, we've got a party to throw in less than a month!

For all of you who have supported The Spoke for so many years and for those of you who have only come to know The Spoke in recent years, thank you and remember, we do this all for you! 

SO GET YOUR ASS TO DAYTONA AND GET YOUR ASS TO THE BROKEN SPOKE SALOON!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The man off your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

It's A WAR ZONE HERE!

AS I'VE SAID FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, IF A BLOG POST I HAVE WRITTEN AND SHARED EVER CHANGES, IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM FROM ITS ORIGINAL CONTENT, I WILL NOTIFY YOU IMMEDIATELY AND EXPLAIN WHAT THE CHANGE IS:  As this announcement is written in bright red, so will the change to the piece.  In this case, you will find the change at the very bottom of this post.  I ask that you please share this and if you can possibly help to please do.



As many of you know, I believe that I was put on earth to help people and to bring smiles to their faces.  Unless I am out of my mind pissed off, disgusted with the way things are with the world these days or sharing a video of another psychopath cop violating someones most simple of human rights, I try to keep things on this blog positive.  There are times though that topics that I must touch on fall between the cracks of shedding light on something or trying to make you laugh and these are the posts that I find to be the most difficult to write.  This my friends, sadly, is one of those posts that falls in to the deepest part of the abyss between these topics. 

I was on the phone today and I could hear the call waiting beeping and beeping but I could not see who was calling, it just wasn't coming up on the screen.  If I can't see who is calling, there is no way on earth that I am going to answer the phone!  I'm pretty sure this goes back to the time in our lives when we were losing everything and the bill collectors called at all hours of the day and night!  For two years each and every single time the door bell rang or the phone rang and it came up with "unknown caller" or an "800" number I would want to duck and cover.  Those days are gone, but they are not forgotten.  I was on the phone with a pretty important call and I was sitting on the patio when the back door opened and Diane came walking out with a panicked look on her face.  "Adam is on the phone and he sounds really upset, I think something is very wrong" Diane said.  So we switched phones and for my friend Adam to be this upset, I already knew what the call was going to be, what I didn't know was who was this call going to be about?  My gut and my fear were correct!  I've known Adam now for quite a few years and I've never heard him so shaken.  His voice was like I've never heard it and I was able to make out all the words he spoke but the name of the person that we lost.  I said that I was sorry to make him repeat it, but I couldn't understand what he said and when he repeated it, my heart sank.  Our friend Randy Pants was killed on his bike, not far from where I live.

Now I'm not sure of the details as I've already heard conflicting reports which are just so typical when something like this happens and I'm not even sure what bike he was on, but of his rides, seeing him roll up on this bike always brought a big smile to my face.

To say that Randy Pants had an attitude would be an understatement!  I loved this guy!  He always had a way to bring a smile to your face.  Over this last year, I've not gotten to see him as much as I use to, but that doesn't mean that I didn't often think of him.  Every now and again I'd be looking for a specific pic on the computer and come across some old shots of him and in each and every shot there was one of two things, either a big ass smile or him giving the finger!  If you can't read what the tank says in the pic above, take a look at the pic below.   I think this sort of put his whole attitude in one single statement out there for the whole world to see.

The day these photos were taken we were at a benefit for another friend who had been killed on his bike.  Riding here in AZ truly is  A WAR ZONE and unfortunately, you just never know how things are going to end up when you fire up that bike and simply go for a ride.  His big ass smile brought a light to an otherwise dark day.  I'll never forget laughing that he had just paid to have his bike washed to benefit the family that day, yet the bike had NO PAINT to mention and looked better dirty as hell, but he did it because it raised money for the children left behind and I hope that those of you who are reading this will help when the time comes for us to do the very same thing for his family!  I think one of his kids is just now a toddler and this child will never get to know his dad at all and that breaks my fucking heart!

Like I said, he either had a big ass smile or he was giving the finger.  What seems like an eternity now, we had a mutual friend that I had a falling out with and that mutual friend was one of his dearest friends.  Rather than say "hey fuck you Jack" I'm choosing sides, it was never mentioned, he never chose a side, he just stayed a friend to each of us and I have mad respect for him for that!  He never let what happened between two mutual friends affect his relationship with either one of us! 

It's when a tragedy like this transpires, that you look back and regret not going out more or making it to more events that your friends are attending.  It never enters your mind that you just may never see some of these people again until the stark realization that it is too late and you will never see that smile or stand side by side flipping the bird to the camera or to the passing police cars!  Once again, my heart bleeds, my heart aches and I am left confused and wondering why the best people are taken from us while the scum of the earth float along leaving nothing but damage, pain and bad karma in their wakes.  Perhaps we will never know the answer to this question and if history is any indicator, it doesn't seem like this will be something that will ever change.

 Randy Pants, you will always have a positive place in my heart, in my memory and to those who have been left behind by yet another tragic loss, know that this man left a positive mark on this world and all those he encountered while just living in it!

Between my brother Adam who called me with this horrific news and Randy Pants, they are each equally half responsible for one of the most memorable moments I've ever experienced at a bike run.  When you listen to fools, the MOB RULES and that is just what they did that night when after non stop peer pressure we made them box it out for a gas tank that they both equally wanted and at the very same time, equally wanted the other to have.  There was no one that night that did not laugh until they damn near cried!  It was the first time I ever got to "call" a live boxing match and even now as I sit here writing this, in my profound sadness, I can't get the smile off of my face!  The fact that neither one of the two really even wanted to hit the other, the fact that Randy, being the MUCH smaller of the two, still climbed in to the proverbial ring for our enjoyment and fought like THE MAN THAT HE WAS was a testament to the kind of guy he is, oh hell, to both of them!  I'll never forget that night as long as I live and Brother Randy Pants, I will never forget you as long as I live!  I know that the video of that night is floating around on you tube somewhere and if I can find it, I'll share it because I know that you will all enjoy it as much as we did that night we witnessed it!

Brother, friend, husband, father, veteran and BIKER!  Long may you run man, long may you run!  For those of you reading this, love with all you've got, be decent to every one around you and live each and every single day to the very best of your ability because you never know if it will be your very last!  For those of you in the cages driving out there, hang up the fucking phone, pay attention to your surroundings and STOP KILLING US, I beg you!

It has also been asked if it would be okay for people to meet up at my place here in Mesa so that we made ride in together.  I would be honored to welcome those who want to do this in to our home.  We are meeting at 1pm here at my house.  If you don't know where that is, message me here, by phone or on facebook or email and I will gladly give you an address or directions.  I think we should pull out no later than 1:20 so that we can ride and make an arrival at a respectable time.  Again, thank you!

Randy Pants, Randy Batty's services will be held this Sunday at 2pm at Bunker Family Funeral Home @ 3529 E University in Mesa. Jack, Randys dad has invited everyone back to his house after the service. Feel free to call me with any questions or if you need a ride. (480) 862-4014

Until we see each other on the road again;

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

My friends pain, is my pain!

So I was up against a really hard deadline for my next two pieces for Cycle Source Magazine and everything in the universe has been against me in trying to get them done.  Today I finally found the time to sit down on the couch, fire up the lap top and get on down to the business of "fire side story telling" that I enjoy so very much.  The pieces that I wrote about were the Sturgis Rally this past August and the Boot Ride out in LA a few weeks ago.  I just could not get going, pulling back the memories from an event that was more than a month ago, an event that I damn near crawled back to my camper from each night made it a bit difficult to recall the details enough to share them.  As I sat and began to write, the memories began to flood back.  The fact that I got to see Bart Mitchel's photos that he posted up on Bikerhotline.com just two days ago ignited those memories.  If you get a chance, take a look at them and if you were there, some things you may have forgotten from being black out drunk may come back to you and if you were not there with us, you will see the madness that was Sturgis at The Spoke this year and my story will help make sense even more when you pick up the Sturgis issue of the mag.  Virtually the same thing happened with the Boot Ride and photos from that event.  By the time that I was done writing these two stories, I was feeling great.  I mean I was really feeling warm and wonderful.  I had just more or less re-lived two great events from my recent life and was experiencing some of those incredible feelings all over again.  The combination of those great feelings and the fact that the stress from being up against the deadline was now over, I fell asleep with my laptop on where else but my lap.  I drifted off for a brief while and awoke from a terrible dream.  Not only was it terrible and totally fucking weird (let's just say it began by popping what I thought was a pimple next to my belly button and having bot flies crawl from my skin to squeezing and squeezing the area until baby birds were coming from the same hole) and that was only the beginning of the dream.  I felt like shit when I woke up, sent a text to the people who we were supposed to meet for dinner saying "yeah, ain't making it" and fell back asleep.

I awoke two hours or so later with a feeling of impending doom.  This is not normally how you wake up.  I don't normally wake up with a feeling of sadness especially after falling asleep feeling so good.  I noticed that the laptop never timed out and was still on so I picked it up to distract me and get my mind on something else and in that moment, the very first post I saw on face book was from a dear friend, someone who I can now call one of my oldest friends and a person for whom I have nothing but love and respect.  This friend is legendary for being generous, kind, talented and someone who would give you the shirt off of his back, something he actually did just a few months ago when I stopped in his shop in Jersey on my trip back home.  This dear friend that I speak of is the one and only Richie Pan or as many just call him PAN! 

The photo above was taken the day before I had to leave to fly back to Arizona and the previous night we had learned that Aidan Jack Seeger had finally lost his long, hard fought battle.  I jumped in my rental car, drove 45 minutes down to Dark Star Tattoo to spend 20 minutes with my friend and have a shot in Aidan's honor.  This brother is nothing but class, just like every member of his family.

This friend has gone through so much in these last few years with family, sickness, loss, joy and pain all one after another.  He and his wife Cindy, much like Diane and myself have been together forever and they are an amazing couple.  Having someone like Cindy by his side through this roller coaster over the last few years is probably what helped to keep him sane!  Rich is truly one of the kindest people and most incredible artists I've ever known, not to mention the builder and rider of two of my all time favorite bikes, his amazing panhead Viola and the Fifth Knuckle, one of the coolest bikes I'VE EVER SEEN!  They say that great people come from great people and I believe this to be the case here. 

Tonight, the very first post that  I saw stunned me!  I had to read it and re-read it again and again just to be sure that I was not mistaken.  My brother, Richie Pan had just lost his dad!  These two had the relationship that every father and son dream of!  Papa Pan was an incredibly friendly guy and I had to really try to think back to a time that he did not greet me with a big handshake and a I had to try even harder to remember if I had ever seen him without a smile on his face and the answer that I came up with was NO, I had not!  When you move so far away from the people you love it becomes hard to keep up on everything going on in their lives but thanks to social media we can stay involved without the other even knowing that you are keeping a watchful eye out on them!  Papa Pan if memory serves me correctly fought a long hard battle himself and came out the other side victorious!  Roughly around the same time, Brother Pan lost his mom.  Two earth shattering events to have to go through and yet he handled them with class, support and dignity.  I remember that each time I saw Rich's dad, I said two things to him because he was Portugese, "Bondia an Uncashastavazia".  The first meant good morning and the other meant the box was empty.  The third thing that I said as I would leave was Cay Cariyo, I'm sure I spelled that wrong but it means, WHAT THE FUCK?  He would just laugh at me like I was a lunatic and he had the kindest smile and warmest eyes.  He would sit around the tattoo shop and hang out with everyone there and at the parties and he rode his harley riding ass off!  Like I said, great people come from great people!  I'll never forget seeing him for the first time roll his bike in to the Burnout Pit at Richie's annual Pan Stock party and smoke the tire!

This shot above is of one of those times. I just stole this shot right from Pan's page.  I'm sure he won't mind.

I won't get in to the details of how he passed as it is not my place or right to say or discuss but I just want the entire world to know that we have suffered a great loss.  When my friends are in pain, I am in pain and tonight, my heart bleeds!  One of the kindest people I've ever known, lost the kindest person he has ever known and I am crushed for the entire Pannara Family tonight!  As of right now, I know of no details of anything that we can do to help ease this pain, or of any way to donate to a cause that he loved or even so much as a funeral or memorial for this great man and when I find out, I will certainly share this with you all.  If you know Brother Pan, drop him a line, post on his wall or send him a message and let him know just how much he is loved and respected!  I always say and I will stick with that here yet again, the greatest people on earth are snatched away from us far too early while the scum of the earth just float along the top leaving nothing but damage and heartache in their wake. 

LONG MAY YOU RUN PAPA PAN!

YET ANOTHER PHOTO PROVING THAT THE SMILE NEVER LEFT THIS MANS FACE!  It was an honor to know him, to have talked with him and to have shared time with him, as limited as it was, this will be a man that I will forever hold warm memories of.  The world is much worse off now that you are gone but Heaven will be a much better place just for having you there! 

Until we see each other on the road again, be good to each other, live each and every day as if it could be your very last because you know what, it just may be!  Love hard, love long and love well!

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

An absolutely incredible sight!

There are some things in life that one will never forget.  Memories so powerful that whether you like them or not, they are with you till the grave.  These memories are both a curse and a blessing, both the good and the bad.  11 years ago today, I awoke to Diane screaming from downstairs at my home in New Jersey.  I had fallen asleep the night before on the couch and the horror in her voice had me jump up in an instant.  "Turn the tv on, turn the tv on, Jack, turn the fucking news on"!  For the life of me, I can't even remember how long we sat in front of that television staring in shock.  This was the second time that we had sat in front of a tv witnessing the damage from the WTC being bombed!  Many of you know, some may not but I'm an Irishman and my family has a long standing history of having the only jobs that The Irish could get back in those days, they all became cops and fireman.  To this day, nearly everyone in my family is one of the two. 

I've long repeated that Americans have short term memories!  When it is out of sight, it is sadly out of mind.  With 11 years having now passed since the horrific events of that spectacular September morning, many don't even think of that day any longer.  For some folks, they re-live the events of this day, each and every single day.  They say that time heals all wounds, but I've yet to see proof of that.  I truly believe that time lessens the pain from those wounds, but I'm not really sure those wounds ever heal entirely.  I pray that for many they will!  I can understand that the people who lived on the west coast or in the mid west since 9/11 have these visions slip from their minds but for those of us who were witness to the events, those of us who lived there and those of us who lost friends, colleagues, family or co-workers, these wounds are still deep.

One of the very first places that I ever went to an event in Arizona was a place called Tempe Town Lake in Tempe, Arizona.  It is an amazing park with beautiful views of the mountains and the lake.  Last year at this time I had driven past the park on the freeway and remember glancing over and seeing the memorial and to say that I was blown away would be an understatement.  This is a tremendously painful memory for me to recall and even on my last trip to NYC, I found it difficult to even look at the World Trade Center site.  Nearly 9 months ago I was invited to the event that would take place on this anniversary and I agreed to go.  I had forgotten all about the memorial at the lake until I saw the event commented on by a friend who wrote, rain or shine, I will be on my bike at 4:30 am riding to the meeting place for the ride.  I made the decision right then and there that under no circumstance would I be kept away this year.  Last night the Valley of the Sun was hammered with a monsoon storm.  I swear the rain drops looked to be between the size of quarters and silver dollars at times.  Along with the rain came a spectacular light show and with that house shaking thunder!  So as I laid in bed trying to get some rest so that I could ride, my two dogs who we got to protect and love us, were literally laying on top of my chest and my head.  If they could have climbed inside of me I'm sure they would have.  This went on until the last time that I looked at the time on the cable guide, 2:45 am.  I know that I laid there for some time before I finally fell asleep.  Shortly after that, the alarm went off and it was time to wake.  Sleep time?  A little more than an hour!  We rode side by side over to the lake and it was still pitch black out.  You could make out many of the flags because of all the lights that the television crews had put up, but it was not until daybreak came that the sheer massive display could be viewed. 

I realized in that moment that in my rush to make the meet time, on time, I had left my camera on the kitchen counter.  Luckily I had my Go Pro in the saddle bag, I turned it on, pointed it at the field and heard "beep beep beep", yeup, the battery was dead!  Luckily, my droid shoots a decent video and I felt that I had to at least try to capture the "feel" of this somber day.  There was no way to get any more than a 1/3 of the flags in any one still photo and as more and more day light shone the sight became more and more overwhelming.  Shortly after I shot the video, I had the honor of reading off some of the victims names from the stage during the memorial.  I was more scared to get up and speak than I have ever been before.  I was afraid to screw up a name, get too choked up to speak, have my voice crack or just plain lose it up there and by the grace of God, I did not, well, not too bad.  For the rest of my life, I will never, ever forget the honor that was bestowed upon me today by allowing me to even say those victims names aloud!  After the ceremony was over I felt it quite difficult to even leave the park.  I just walked around, read some of the names on the flags and took a few still shots.  Perhaps having this amazing memory of an anniversary of 9/11 will ease the sadness that has come with each anniversary that has come before it.  Maybe time can heal each of our wounds from this day.

I captured this video this morning and I could still not get all of the near 3000 American Flags in it.  Just click on this link here and share in one of the most beautiful, patriotic sights that I've ever experienced in my life.  Here is the link The Healing Field.  I thought that I would post it because so many could not make it there this morning, so many live so far away and for people like myself for whom this day holds very powerful memories.  I hope this short video lets you feel the love and respect of this display.  Well the love and respect that is until it began to rain and people got up and left.  I began to boil inside thinking "3000 people died that day, many gave their lives trying to save others and you can't sit out in the rain for a few minutes to honor them"?  I'm sorry to even bring it up but I have to be honest, as you all know damn well I always am, this infuriated me!

For all of those who lost their lives that infamous day, for all of those who have given their life in the wars since that day and for all of you who re-live the events of that day when you close your eyes or go to sleep, God bless you and I pray that your pain eases with each day that passes.

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit