AIN'T NO HEAD LIKE A KNUCKLEHEAD

As I sit here tonight on the couch waiting for the lil woman to get her shit together so we can do what all the old couples we know do, go out to dinner.  I remember the days when I didn't even get in the shower to go out until 10:30 pm and now most nights I find myself sitting on the couch, bag of pretzels between my legs watching some stupid fucking re-run on some overpriced movie channel and thinking "ah it's too late to go out now" and noticing that it is 9:15 pm.  When the fuck did I get so old?  Is it really age though or is it state of mind?  Hell, I know old people who go out and hike all day up mountains and then go and party all night so I have to deduce that it is not my age but my attitude and you know what?  MY ATTITUDE SUCKS LATELY!  It is one thing to know what your problem is and then not work to better it, but what do you do when you can't figure out what your problem is?  How do you go about making things better for yourself when you can't even begin to get a handle on what you need to make better?

I know that I'm tired of getting our asses kicked by the system for certain.  You know the old saying, you can't fight city hall, well it seems to be more like, you can't fight the insurance company, you can't fight the pharmaceutical  company, you can't fight the cell phone carrier, you can't fight FEMA, you can't fight the bank etc....  there seems to be more big business handing out crushing blows to us all, the little people these days than ever before.  I saw today that a friend posted up a photo of their home in Jersey.  Now these people lived down the shore (near the ocean or water for those of you that don't know that in Jersey, no matter where you are, north, south, east or west, you always go DOWN THE SHORE) and they had every single type of insurance that you can have.  Home, fire, flood, car.... they were insured out the ass and ready for any type of catastrophe that the universe could throw their way.  So Sandy hits and it's now long since passed but people are still screwed.  This particular friend had all of their insurance through All-State and had for many years.  The insurance adjusters finally arrived, assessed their damages and the home is a total loss by the way, water was up to the bottom of the second floor and a wave literally blew a massive hole through the front of the home, well anyway, they offered this family $158.65.  Yes, you are reading that correctly, that is not a typo, one hundred and fifty bucks for their home, their car and all their belongings!  They red tagged the home which means it is a total loss and uninhabitable and against the law for them to even enter the property, so they in-fact are now law breakers for taking photos of the damage in their own home!  How can this be?  How can they get away with this?  They take our money because you must have insurance BY LAW and yet they do everything and anything they can to keep from ever having to pay out a single penny to the policy holders.  My heart bleeds for the people on the east coast who have not only lost everything, but continue to be injured by the unjust treatment that they are receiving.  I know that this is something that has me really bummed out and I feel helpless because there is nothing that I can do to help them.  We've shopped for Diane's medicine last week to see if the price had gone down or to see if we can get it for a lower price anywhere and the cost rather than go down, has now gone up to $132,500 per month!  One month of medicine costs a thousand times what they are giving people for the total loss of their homes?  Does this make any sense to any of you?  I know that has got me down too and has for the last 12 years!  These companies are like criminal organizations that hold the power of life and death in their hands in many cases and still do whatever they can to break it off in your ass and the more people that they can break it off in the asses of, an employee is getting a bonus for it!  There is just so much that is wrong with the world and so many are hurting so badly and I can't seem to shake the awful feeling of it.  I've always been aware of suffering and I've always felt bad for those who suffer, but never before have I ever felt the weight of it so heavily.

So for me, what I try to do is focus on what I have that is good.  What I have to look forward to and those that I love.  Rather than be jealous of those I know who are achieving some level of success, I celebrate it and pray that good is coming our way as well.  Nothing in life worth having comes easy and nothing in life is free, this is obvious....  well except for the Obama phone but don't get me started on that shit....  I am a firm believer in a free market system, I just hate greed, so I try to counter the greed of the world by doing good for other people.  I've found that the worse I'm feeling, the more I do for others makes me feel so much better.  There was an old saying "your not in this alone" and normally it made you feel better to know that you were not out on a ledge by yourself, but is it any better to know that SO MANY people are standing on that ledge as well?  One would think that at some point, that ledge would not be able to bear the weight of all those people out there and eventually snap off!  I'm going to do whatever the fuck it takes to come in from that ledge and hopefully pull a few people back in with me.  No matter what the case, I'm trying to stay focused and positive and just try to find away around, over, under or through whatever obstacles the world keeps throwing in our way.  I've got more events planned in this coming year then I ever have before, I'm getting my writing out to the world now, Diane's health is staying steady and her MS has not progressed and gotten worse, we have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies and we just keep on fighting.  We need things to look forward to and this will help motivate you to keep up the fight.  For me, what I am looking forward to most is what you've read in the title of this post.

My baby is getting ready to hit the road again.  My pride and joy as many of you know is my beautiful 47' Knuck.  Life is also about learning lessons and the most recent lesson I've learned is that a 65 year old bike is not meant to be ridden like a Ducati!  Oh well, lesson learned and the heart and soul of my knuck will be re-built shortly.  As a matter of fact, it is in the process of getting fixed right now.  I can't wait to kick that dirty bitch to life, hop on and run the mountain roads and switchbacks again.  So each time I'm feeling like shit, I pull out a pic or look at a video clip from riding her or think about a trip that I've taken her on and it lifts me up.

No matter how bad things are for us in our lives, there is either an amazing memory to look back and revel in or something that lay ahead to think of, look forward to, in some cases maybe to dream of.  No matter how small or big that may be, let your mind drift for a bit and let it take you on a trip to that happy place and you would be shocked at how much it helps.  I guess the point I've been rambling about here and driving some of those people out on the ledge to jump is simply, fuck it man, life is too short, be positive because how much worse can things really get?  Hopefully one day soon I'll notice you smiling on the side of the road or in a park or by the lake, I'll be the lunatic that comes screaming by on the bright red knuck!  Okay, so maybe I didn't learn my lesson about riding it too hard.... oh well...

All I know is that this time of the year is the hardest time for so many of us.  I know that we don't all feel the joy in this season and I understand that, I just wish that so many didn't feel so much pain during this time of the year!  Go out and volunteer, help someone, do something nice for someone who doesn't expect it and you know what?  It helps, believe me.  It will help both them and you and I've also found that it is in-fact contagious!  I hope that things get better for all of us and they get better soon!  I'm not even sure I should post this shit.  I never read what I've written once it's written, I just hit spell check and post.  Fuck, this started out to just be a post about my knuck getting worked on......  imagine what would happen had I not been stone sober?

Until we see each other again,

keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

An Evening With Dee Snider

Here is a quick teaser clip for the upcoming interview feature in the next issue of Cycle Source Magazine.  This was one hell of a night with a truly amazing individual!  This guy was nothing but class and one of the kindest stars I've ever seen with his fans!  I can't wait to share the interview with you guys, you will have a whole new way of looking at this rock n roll legend!

A DAY IN THE BEAR'S DEN

HERE IS YET ANOTHER POST THAT HAS BEEN CHANGED FROM ITS ORIGINAL FORMAT.  I ALWAYS SAY IF I MAKE A MISTAKE I'LL OWN UP TO IT AND IF I CAN, I'LL FIX IT.  A FRIEND BROUGHT A MISTAKE THAT I MADE TO MY ATTENTION SO I AM CORRECTING IT.  IT WILL BE IN BRIGHT RED BELOW.  

Every now and again, you hear a story about some hapless soul who wandered into a bear's den and ended up becoming bear shit because they were eaten by the bears.  Here is a tale of a similar event with a much different outcome.  In this particular case, the hapless souls were not eaten by the bear but rather, both the bear and its girl fed those crazy enough to walk into the den.  How is this possible you may be asking yourself right now?  If you think that shit sounds strange, imagine this....  THE BEAR SERVED VEGETARIAN CHILI!  Are you confused yet?  Well let me straighten this sorted tale out for you.

As we are quickly approaching the end of this monumental nightmare of a year for so many, myself included, I began to think back on the events of the year, the people that I was either blessed or cursed to have shared it with, what I've done right and what I've done oh so wrong and I was left wondering where this next year would lead me.  While reflecting on this years progression, aggression and some of my transgressions, I could not help but stew a little bit in the bad and marinate a little bit in the good.  It does however seem that with all the bad that we face in our lives, for the first year in a great many years, the good far outweighed the bad and for that I'll be eternally grateful.  I know, I know, what the fuck am I talking about?

One of the highlights of the year for me was once again hosting the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally at The World Famous Broken Spoke Saloon.  I love this gig for so many reasons and oddly enough the reasons that I don't enjoy the gig are often the same.  Let me give you an example of how this is even possible.  One of the things I love the most about hosting rallies is getting to see friends from all over the world when they come to visit and party and one of the things that saddens me the most is not getting to spend any real time with them.  A minute here, sharing a shot there or a few minutes at the end of the night before we make our plan for how to make our guests happy the next day.  So even though my face lights up when I get to see these friends, I can't help but to frown a bit as I watch them all ride away or head back to camp to party for I still have work to do.  I won't complain about it, I would not trade it for anything but no one says I have to be happy about it either.  Because my birthday always falls during the Sturgis rally, my wedding anniversary falls during the Laughlin River Run, Diane's birthday falls during Daytona Bike Week and so on, we are forced to celebrate these events on different dates and that's okay too.   One of the things we do as many of you may remember comes after Sturgis.  When I get home, I sleep for damn near a week and then Diane and I jump on the bike and we head off to California for some much needed rest and relaxation and we go and visit our friend Chopper Doll.

We had been posting on Facebook about our trip between us and a friend added onto the thread.  Asking when we were coming out etc.  As it turns out, this friend was not even a 30 minute ride from her house.  We called up, found out when he'd be around, made plans and headed off to visit.  I figured hey, it's right down the street and I didn't get to spend any time with him in Sturgis, why not go visit now for a few minutes.  Well minutes turned into hours and we went from just stopping by to receiving the royal treatment.  Not only were we welcomed with open arms and big hugs but we got to tour the entire place.  We even got to go into the "no cameras allowed" museum that boasts a treasure trove of chopper history and then sat down to watch a short film of him at the Harley Davidson Museum.  As the hours passed by, we thought for sure we were intruding but we were assured that we were not.  Not only were we not intruding, but the Mrs. was heading down to the shop to make dinner for everyone.  We just kind of all looked at each other wondering if this was really happening?  "Will you stay for dinner" we were asked and of course, our answer was absofuckinlootely!  I wandered around the shop looking at pieces of history, projects a plenty in different stages of completion and the sweet smell of Turkey chili cooking away on the stove.  I WAS INFORMED THAT TURKEY IS NOT A VEGETABLE AND THEREFORE CAN'T BE CONSIDERED VEGETARIAN CHILI!  Have you guys figured out who I'm talking about yet?  This day was a day that I won't soon forget and I had held off on sharing this story here or running it in Cycle Source and I thought what the hell, I'll share it with you guys.  We were treated so kindly by this legend of the bike world.  The stories that were shared with us were incredible and informative.  Things I thought that I knew were so very wrong and in-fact, I didn't know shit compared to the facts in a few cases.  We got to hop around on his bikes and in a split second, Diane was hooked and was sure that she now needed a 20 over front end on her next bike.  He just kept saying, go ahead, sit on it, feel the bars and turn the wheel in any direction and watch what happens and when we did we were amazed.  I wanted Diane to have the full "real deal feel of being in the wind" on the bike so as she sat on it, feet up on the pegs, I blew air into her face to blow her hair back.  Well here, see for yourself.

Diane didn't have the decency to do the same for me and I had to pretend that I was rolling down the road on one of these pieces of history and just imagine that it was just a day with very little wind.  Are you recognizing the shop yet?

As you can see in the pic, this is one happy girl and you can see the wheels in her head turning, thinking about how cool she is going to be running down the road with that front end poking a half mile out in front of her.

The truly observant will have figured out just whose shop we are in right now and if you look closely, you can just peek through the door of the "museum", but since you can't really see anything, I figured it was okay to share this photo.  Well I'm thinking that once I share the next photo you are going to know exactly where we were so here goes.

So now you have it!  The man who was so kind to open up his shop to us, stop working all together, deal with my stupid questions, give us the grand tour and take us all on a walk down memory lane for the TRUE history of the chopper and then after it all invite us to stay for dinner is the one and only Sugar Bear!  The reason you see the ladder standing behind us is because there was no way on earth that I was leaving there without a Sugar Bear shirt and neither was Diane or Chopper Doll so Bear pulled out the ladder and went digging for us.  Hell, if all he did to welcome us wasn't enough, we then made him pose for silly pics with us and he could not have been any more gracious than he was.  The man is a gentleman, an icon and a legend who has held true to what he believes in from the moment he began in this industry and has never wavered.  A true testament to standing behind what you make is by sticking to what you know and as far as I know, no one on earth makes a better, badder, cooler front end than my friend Sugar Bear!

 If it wasn't enough for us to make him pose for pics, it then became, okay, stay there Bear, we have to switch places and photographers and he just laughed and waited for us to get set and take the pics.

After meeting so many people at rallies, on the road or friends who run Sugar Bear front ends there is one thing I hear each and every single time and that is "I'd never want another front end as long as I live, there is nothing on earth like it"!!!  If you have not heard of Sugar Bear, where the hell have ya been?  If you want to see more of this legend, just google him or go on youtube and search "history of the chopper" and you too will learn some things you would have never even imagined!

I didn't get the chance to go to the Bear's Den at the Broken Spoke Campground in Sturgis for the BBQ during the rally but I did finally get to sit down and break bread or well in this case, tortilla chips with a legend and this was hands down one of the very best highlights of my year!  I am not sure how to spell his beautiful wife's name, I believe it is Fugi and it sounds like it would be spelled Fuji so I mean no disrespect if I've gotten it wrong.  Thank you so much for taking a few bikers into your home and making us feel so warm and welcome and like we had been friends for 30 years!  This is one class act and from the bottom of my heart, thank you again Bear! IT IS SPELLED FUJI!

So you all see it is possible to safely go into the Bear's Den and not be eaten but be fed instead!  Everyday we go out and we make memories, some good, some bad, but regardless, we have to go out and make them, they shape us into the people we become!  On days when I'm feeling down or laying around in brutal pain, I'll be able to look back on 2012's post Sturgis trip and remember just how great it all was, especially this day in the Den!  Thanks again Bear and FUJI!  Thanks for snapping the pics Chopper Doll and for putting up with your late sleeping house guests!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

Don't get much cooler than this!

This is the first time that I've ever tried to upload a video directly to the blog so I really have no idea how it is going to turn out so if it is screwed, we'll have all learned a lesson.  Early in November some friends invited me down to Houston to stay with them and ride on down to the Lone Star Rally and party with them and do a little bit of riding in a place I've yet to visit.  It took some serious thinking and when I figured out that I could not only get in a few days of riding but accomplish a much needed task for The Broken Spoke Saloon, the plans were set in stone.  The first chance that I get, I'll try to sit down and tell you how that amazing trip went but for now, I just wanted to share this with you all.  On my last day in Houston after the rally, with a few hours to kill before my flight home, my friends James and Sarah Lovelady invited me to lunch.  To be honest, I was still full from breakfast the day prior but when James hit me with "we'll drive over in the 32' " he had me and he knew it.  I was shocked at how amazing this fucker rolled down the road.  Here I am, driving to lunch in a car that is 80 years old and it is in better shape then some cars I know that are 10 years old!  Where oh where did the pride and craftsmanship disappear to in the products that are made these days?  Anyway, I thought you all would love to get a look at the piece of American Gangster history right here.  The car, with very few exceptions is exactly how it rolled off the assembly line in 1932!  Enjoy and until we see each other on the road again.  Thank you again so very much to my incredible hosts and all the people that I got to meet down in Texas!

Keep the wind in your face,

Tits in your back 

and The Man Off Your ASS!

Jack Shit

It Makes It All Worth It!

THIS POST HAS BEEN CHANGED FROM ITS ORIGINAL FORMAT:  Changes or additions to the original post will appear in red.  


Yeah, I've been gone again!  I just noticed that it is more than a month since I've posted up on the  blog and I'm sorry, I didn't keep my promise to not disappear on you guys again.  I can't really explain why, sometimes I just drop off the face of the earth.  It's not like I haven't been up to anything, as a matter of fact, in the last month I've done some super cool shit.  Now is not the time to go into all that I've been up to but I will share a highlight of this time period that happened last night.  As a matter of fact, when this happens to me and it's happened quite a few times, each its own story, I can't begin to tell you the level of joy that this brings me....  so here is how it goes and went!

Last night, we went over the to Celebrity Theatre in Phoenix to see Bret Michaels do his show and his charity auction.  I've gotten to know the band fairly well over the last 9 months or so and I can say this for certain, the Bret Michaels Band is chock full of kick ass guys!  I've grown even closer to the main man who runs the console, Rudy T. Reily and John King Stensland super guitar tech to the god's!  So on Saturday night while having dinner with these guys, they asked if Diane and I wanted to go to the show. Well hell yeah we want to go to the damn show!  I never really get to take Diane to do cool shit much these days as the cool shit that I do is all over the country and she is always so busy and it's hard to get away.  I managed to shoot some video with the phone and that actually came out looking and sounding great but the photos are less than great but I'll share a few with you guys anyway.  It was hard not to get a good shot as we watched the show from the orchestra pit and practically sat on the damn stage.

 This is our buddy Rudy T.

 Guitar God himself John

 Dirty Ray rocking his new leather covered bass

 Pistol Pete just could not wipe the smile off his face last night

 So this is how the night went.  Rudy had John call us and tell us that they got tickets for us and we could pick them up at the will call office.  We walked in the basement door to the Celebrity Club or some shit like that, all I know was as soon as you made it past the security, there was a great big bar and what the hell, we were at a concert after all, so we grabbed a couple of Jack n Cokes and headed for the arena.   In this same area was a shit ton of memorabilia and signed schwag from Bret that was being auctioned off for several charities.  The ones I can remember are Wounded Warrior, American Diabetes, Phoenix Children's Hospital and maybe one or two more, but it was a great night of giving was ahead of us all.  We got up inside the venue and the opening act was on stage.  The opening act was just a re-mix of the Bret Michaels Band without Bret.  It was sort of like shuffling the deck with an extra guitar here and there.  We walked down towards our seats which were phenomenal, thank you guys and jumped down into the orchestra pit just to say hello and ended up virtually never leaving that very spot.    Well of course with the exception to smoking, drinking and pissing, none of those were allowed in the pit.... well, okay, the drinking was, it is in the end, rock n roll right?  So here is where the night got special..... All throughout the show, Bret pulled different people from the crowd on to the stage to sing, play guitar or just dance and then would stop everything and auction some shit off.  The first thing he did was take the cowboy hat off of his head and got 4 grand from someone in the crowd.  Then he offered a deal to the highest bidder;  the deal was, whoever gave the biggest donation would be invited to his home with a few of their own guests, party up, ride quads, rock out and he was going to bbq and cook for everyone.  What ended up happening was quite amazing in-fact.  Rather than one high bid, he ended up with 3 bids of 20 grand and one for 15 grand, so being a smart guy and thinking of the organizations that the money was being raised for, he took all the bids, they all won and in one single shot, made 75 thousand dollars!  That night, the band arrived having made 100 grand while on the road for charity.  In one night here in Phoenix, they more than doubled all the money they had raised and it was incredible to be part of it!  I have no idea how much was raised downstairs and what the final total was, but it had to be HUGE!!!

We ran up top to smoke and while I went outside and did that, Diane got on line for the bar.  I walked back in and saw a few faces that I knew and then I saw this woman's face just light up.  "Your that guy" she shouted as she pointed at me!  So I shouted right back "yes, yes I am"!  I had no idea what guy I was supposed to be and then in a flash thought, what if she meant, that's the guy who robbed me, that's the guy who raped me, that's the guy who screwed that giraffe in my back yard..... but it was too late, I'd admitted it was me!  She told me that she was a friend of mine on facebook and that we had never met in person.  For the life of me, I can't remember what her name was, but if I had to take a stab in the dark, I'm going to go with Gabby!  Sure hope I got that right!  So I told her how nice it was to meet her and I meant it, I love to meet people that otherwise I'd only know from online.  She told me that she wanted to thank me.  Thank me?  Thank me for what?  As she began to explain why, I noticed that she had a fairly large scar on her throat and she must have noticed me, noticing it.  She said "that is what I want to thank you for".  "Really, I don't understand" I said.  She then proceeded to tell me the fight she had recently gone through with cancer and then told me something that will warm my heart forever.  She said that it was my writing, my stupid jokes and videos and the way that I was pissing people off during the election process to try and get them to delete me so that I could add new friends that helped get her through it all!  Can you imagine?  I've been blessed a few times to have been told that something I've done, said or written has affected people's lives in an incredible way and it brings me the most incredibly warm feelings down deep in my soul!  To think that something I've done has the ability to help someone else is hard to fathom especially with the level of people that I seem to have the magical ability to piss off!

Lately, I have not had the urge, the ability nor the attention span to actually sit down and write ANYTHING!  Not even short lil updates of what's been going on in our lives could I muster.  I've gotten so many messages asking if we were okay and where I'd gone off to now and why I stopped posting on here?  It took this wonderful women's comments last night to me to make me smile and actually sit down and write again.  Gabby, if I got that right, you've now inspired me again, so I must thank you!  I'll never forget the kind words that you shared with me last night just as I will never for as long as I live forget the day at The Broken Spoke when for the first time ever, someone quoted something that I had written, verbatim, right back to me.  I know that life can be brutal and unforgiving at times and I believe as I've said in the past, that I was put on this earth to help people and to bring smiles to people, no matter how far apart on a map we may be at the time.

I hope life has not been too hard on you guys, my friends.  The holidays are coming and I know for a great many of us, this is the most difficult time of the year.  I pray that for those who suffer most, those who are away from their families, especially our armed forces and all those who are just feeling down that we all get through this shit.  Hell, if all goes well, we will only have to make it until the 21st of this month anyway, then the whole world ends.....  so if you are really feeling awful, we have that to look forward to....

Until we see each other again on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Straight Up The Ass!

Yeah I know, that is one hell of a catchy title to this post and it covers so many possible meanings but how exactly was it meant for this post?  Hell if I know.....  I have been on a roller coaster once again with life, emotion, passion and interest!  So much has gone on in our lives since my last post here that I'm not even sure where to begin.  I'll be right back, I've actually got to go back and see what the last thing I even wrote about was and when, the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's been some time since I fired up the ol' laptop and opened up to you lunatics.

Ah yes, now I remember, Karma and the asshole in the Mercedes that thought running into a guy on a bike was so very much "not a big deal" that he just drove away after doing it!  I can't believe that night was nearly a month ago.  Well so much for me promising to try and post up on here more often, sorry!  I have been busy though so it's not like I've just been fucking off and not writing, I've been out living this nightmare so that I can eventually come back and either bring a smile to your face or piss in your corn flakes, how you take what I say is entirely up to you!

Prior to the night the Mercedes owner thought it would be awesome to add a Jack Shit hood ornament to his new car, I had once again begun to have serious trouble with my back and even more with my sciatic nerve.  So I guess the first use of Straight Up The Ass will refer to what it feels like for me right now.  I feel like Satan himself has drilled his burning, evil, spiked, flame shooting dick up my ass and for as much as I can remember it's going on a solid 5 weeks of this shit!  The pain and discomfort damn near disappears and you don't even notice it and the moment that you realize "wow, is it gone" it hits you again like being tazed!  There seems to be no rhyme nor reason for how or why, but what a pain in the ass, quite literally!  I've used each and every trick I've ever learned to make it ease up or go away.  I've tried every medication, opiate or homeopathic to no avail.  The crazy part of it all is that it is more comfortable for me to sit in the saddle of a bike than it is to sit in the leather seat of my car or couch!  It must have something to do with the devil's dick and what he left in my ass after the last time he banged it!

I had a busy month ahead of me with events in October, two of them were huge and I had to be not only on my game but I needed to perform at the very top of it and that meant simply, knuckle up bitch and act like a man!  I guess I'm a great actor, because I gave an Oscar worthy performance of smiling through the pain and dancing like a trained monkey for the last month.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about what I do by any stretch of the imagination, no matter what my condition, I love making people smile and for the last month it's been really painful to do that.  I thought that all my additional pain and the fact that I was totally exhausted for weeks was due to getting knocked around by that Mercedes and it made complete sense to me.  One night I was sitting on the couch and bit down into a peanut butter cup, nice and soft right?  Out of nowhere, the pain in my tooth shot straight up through my brain and in an instant, my left eye had water running down my cheek.  I jumped up off the couch and actually said out loud, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?!  I reached inside my mouth and touched my gums on the top left side of my mouth and there was massive swelling.  An infection?  Really?  After spending thousands of dollars in dental work from June through August to prevent exactly this from ever happening again, in the very spot they worked on?  MOTHER FUCKER!!!!  I was boiling mad.  Of course it was the weekend so I had to hold off until Monday for any medical attention.

So once again, this dentist has broken it off, well, STRAIGHT UP THE ASS!  At this point all I could hear were the voices of the great many who were kind enough to share all the horror stories of all of their relatives who died or had strokes and were paralyzed from tooth infections that had gotten out of control and here I was, once again, dealing with a massive infection.  At least I now had an answer to why I'd been so exhausted and why each area that I had previously had surgery on hurt so bad and felt so weak.  I'd be okay as long as I did not have a stroke before Monday at 2 pm.  The infection was so massive that you could actually see it on the x-ray!  The dentist just shook his head and for the umpteenth time in my life, I got to hear this very phrase from a doctor who fucked up, "unfortunately, sometimes these things happen."  Really?  Why does it only happen to me days before I am going out of state?  The infection was so severe and the swelling so bad that the post that they drilled into my root actually split the root because there was so much pressure in the pocket.  "Okay I asked, how do we fix that?"  "I'm not really sure, I don't think we can, this is not the optimal situation" this prick had the nerve to say to me.  NO FUCKING SHIT THIS IS NOT THE OPTIMAL SITUATION!  No wonder dentists have the highest suicide rates, they probably have to do it because they want to do it to themselves so that it is less painful than when insane mad patients come back and kill them!  So once again I was off to the pharmacy, once again going to start taking another "Z Pak" and once again waiting for the horrible pain and pressure in my chest to cause a stroke while I waited for this shit to start working.  As I began to put the first two pills in my mouth I thought to myself, "how can I not be immune to this shit yet?"

The weekend and both Doggtoberfest and Bikers For Boobies were rapidly approaching, back to back big events, neither of which I had performed at prior so I had no idea what to expect or worse yet, what was expected of me.  I got up early so that I could muster the energy to get there.  I could not have even a single drink to help make the pain ease up as I was on antibiotics and I was miserable.  I managed to make it through the first event, got home around 1 am and went right to bed.  I should say, crawled into bed I was so damn sore.  The next day, after sleeping less than two hours, I got up and headed over the HD dealer here in town for the kick off and start of the ride.  I was shot to hell and as soon as all of the riders left, I was going home to sleep for two hours before the arrival of more than 1000 bikes to the event.  When I saw the amount of people who showed up for this truly grass roots event I was not only stunned but the joy these folks had in helping somehow made the pain that much more bearable for me.  Knowing that I had back pain and that in no possible way could it ever compare to the cancer that the very people we were trying to help were dealing with, it somehow exited my mind and eased up.  For a brief while, I was a bit embarrassed limping around and moving slowly.  That all ended when I witnessed what was about to take place on stage before anyone else.  What I saw on the side of the stage were fireman, Marines, thugs and gangsters and they were each wearing a hand made bra and we were about to auction them off!  They put aside all their pride and in the true spirit of giving walked proudly up on to that stage and sold themselves!

 We thought that we would begin the bidding at 20 bucks each on the bras and hope to get maybe 50 bucks a piece for them and raise some much needed cash.  I became the live auctioneer and the crowd went apeshit!  I can't remember how many of these bras sold for $300 or more but I know most sold for at least $200, far more than anyone could have ever imagined.  As I had the last "model" exit the stage, the founder of the event, the current reigning Miss Arizona Bike Week, Shelley snuck up behind me and said, "lift up your shirt".  What?  "Lift up your damn shirt" she said.  Uhm, okay, but why?  "Because you ain't walking away from this unscathed" she answered.  Damn it, I should have seen this coming, Straight Up The Ass, but this time, I took it for a good cause.  So here ya go.  If you've ever wondered what your fat friend Jack Shit looks like wearing a custom Green Bay Packers bra in front of 1300 people, wonder no more!

Only by the grace of God himself was I far too chubby for that thing to clasp behind my back!  Needless to say, we got a shit ton of money for this one!  I just kept hearing my own words play over and over in my head, "there is never a wrong time to do the right thing", so I just rolled with it.  I guess this is payback for the hundreds of women over the years that I pulled from crowds and had them take their bras off!  The universe is a funny place!

By the end of the night I could barely stand much less walk, but oddly enough, even though I could hardly do the physical, it wasn't pain that kept me from doing it.  My pain level had dropped dramatically, it was just being a broken ass old man that had me moving so slow.  I believe that all the rip roaring laughter, the non stop smiling and having only an hour earlier given away a $50k bike that Paul Yaffe's bagger nation had done an amazing job customizing to a lucky winner from a raffle that had me so naturally high that most of my pain had left and only exhaustion remained, it was quite a feeling.  In the end, after all the expense of hosting a massive event such as this were covered, a check for $20,000 was given to Casting For Recovery!  I was both humbled and honored to have played part in this event.  In just four short years, this event has grown from a few people who gathered to go for a ride for a cause to a major annual event.  So don't ever say or think that you are only one person and you can't make a difference, because right here is the very proof that you can.  I had two days to rest and then I was off to Daytona Beach for Biketoberfest. That's plenty of time to make a full recovery right?  Apparently not!

On an important side note and one that makes me believe that the world is truly a good place I wanted to share this with you.  Tickets for the bike were sold all over the country and I got to pull the winner and we took the phone number from the ticket and Paul Yaffe called the winner right from the stage.  Unfortunately it went to his answering machine.  As it turns out, the reason the winner didn't answer was because he was at the hospital supporting his brother who had just begun receiving chemo therapy!   Now that is all that is good and right in this world!  I pray that he makes a speedy recovery!

I'll share how that all went down tomorrow, right now I can't sit here any longer because my friggin ass hurts too bad to sit!  God damned sciatic nerve!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Karma AIN'T always a bitch!

I'm sitting here on the couch writing this with every single muscle in my body wrenched and aching and I am thrilled about it!  Why would anyone be thrilled that every muscle in their body hurts you may ask?  The reason simply is because the muscles all hurt but the bones aren't all broken!  I still have both of my legs and I walked from my bed to my couch, slow as it was, I still walked there! 

Never again will I complain about my bad luck, nor will I ever ask about when will Karma rear it's head and make its presence known because last night, muscle memory, nearly 30 years of riding motorcycles and the skills that I've acquired from those years, Karma and what I would have to say was the HAND OF GOD all appeared in a split second!  I've been a lot of things and I've done a lot of things in this life of mine so far, but for the very first time, last night, I became the hood ornament of a Mercedes Benz, a very, very expensive Mercedes Benz!

Those of you who know me or follow my writing know that as much as I'm known for making people laugh, I'm known for being brutally honest.  When I tell you this story you are going to say, NO FUCKING WAY, and as I've relayed this story so far, I find myself saying NO FUCKING WAY, you must be mistaken, you must be exaggerating, you must be completely full of shit or you must just be plain and simple, out of your friggin mind Jack!  Had there not been 20 witnesses who re-played the events in their own minds and shared them with me, I myself would not believe the event that transpired last night.  The crazy part is that from no matter what angle it was witnessed, no matter what position they were in when they heard the crunching of bike and body parts or where they were in the pack, everyone has the same details.  I can say this though, you forget just how good it feels to be alive right up until that is nearly taken from you and then you cherish it!  So what happened?  Well I'll tell ya!

Even now, nearly 11 hours later as I type this, I find myself still shaking my head in total disbelief.  Just as it's been for the last few months, on the first Friday of each month, we meet up over at HD of Scottsdale and take a ride down to the Dirty Dogg Saloon in Scottsdale for what we call First Friday.  With each First Friday ride that passes, the number of riders and attendees grows as the heat decreases.  Last night was probably the most bikes that we left the store with, the most beautiful weather that we've had so far and a fantastic mix of riders, it was perfect, what could go wrong and this was only the start of the night.  Hell, we were only riding like 8 miles on a crystal clear night.  We left the dealership on the same route we take each and every single time and were just rolling down the road, side by side 20 or more of us.  We had a green light as we approached the intersection and when I say green, I mean a long green light, not a light that just changed to green.  We entered the intersection as the Mercedes rolled up to it only slowing enough to make the right turn without losing control but never did the driver even attempt to stop and being so very close to the car, never did he even turn his head to look to see if anyone was coming.  So we are rolling about 45 -50 mph, I just crossed the cross walk and I'm on the right hand edge of the road, riding the line of the shoulder and there is now a big ass Mercedes in front of me!  I MEAN RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!

By the grace of God, the rider next to me saw what was happening and shot over to the left.  I held my line as long as I could so as not to take out the bike but out of the corner of my eye, I could see that she had shot left and so did I!  When I tell you that I used every single muscle in my body to move that Road Glide left, I mean EVERY SINGLE MUSCLE.  I swear even my sphincter hurt and I may have squeezed so hard that I actually busted out a hemorrhoid and my eye sockets hurt.  I laid the bike over as far as I could left and we were in the intersection at the same time.  I knew in an instant that if I hit the brakes there would be no way on earth to stop the bike and it would change the rule of objects in motion tend to stay in motion and set the bike in to a wobble and I would have hit the car dead on, so instead, I kicked it down a gear, dumped the clutch and opened the throttle wide!  I managed to get even with the left front corner of the bumper and quarter panel when I felt and heard the crunch.  As the bumper came to meet the bike at the rear floor board I raised my leg up and over the front of the car and got near sideways in front of the car and I could feel myself getting pushed and damn near out of control but I never came off of the throttle and I managed to stay somehow even I guess in speed and direction of the car.  At no time ever, as the bikes behind us would later express did this asshole EVER touch his brakes even as he was pushing me through the second cross walk.  Maybe it was the fact that I never came off of the throttle, maybe it was the fact that I had the bars cut hard left or maybe it was the hand of God himself who gave me that little extra push that I needed but the bike stood straight back up and I got in front of the car with the bike in a full on wobble.  I spun around expecting to see the right side bag just obliterated or missing all together but it was there.  I looked down and expected to see my leg either hanging off or missing all together but it too was there.  I looked in to my mirror to see all the bikes sliding around both sides of the car and I could hear someone screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU" at the driver. 

My first instinct out in front of him was to raise my hand up, shake my fist and hold my middle finger up in the air.  All the bikes ended up out in front of the car, each flipping him off and I remained out front, shaking so hard that I thought the front end of the bike was wasted.  It took a few minutes to realize that I had my arms locked at the elbows and it was me who was shaking the front end.  I passed all the bikes who had shot over to the shoulder to hop off and help at the accident scene and just rolled ahead shaking my head in disbelief.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop shaking my head.  The next time I looked in the mirror, the Mercedes was gone!  I don't know if he made a U turn, if he made the next left or what he did, but that motherfucker was GONE!  As I rode to the bar at speeds from 5 - 50 mph and no rhyme or reason as to what speed I was currently traveling at, each rider rode up next to me, shaking their heads and making hand gestures with their fingers an inch or so apart, like fuck man, that was so close!  We arrived at the bar and my head was still shaking back and forth in total shock.  I got off the bike fully expecting to have to bungee closed what was left of my saddle bag and found no damage.  How the hell can that be?  I heard the crunch, other folks heard the crunch, WE ALL HEARD THE CRUNCH!  Upon closer inspection, the only marks on the bag were from end to end, all the road grime and dirt had been removed!  I could not even find a scratch in the paint.  I found some black marks on the air cleaner and the rear floorboard had been pushed up straight but that was it, how could that be?  Each time that I went outside the bar to smoke, I would see people gathered around the right side of the bike looking for the damage that I must have missed but they too only found the same things I did, virtually nothing.....

YES, REALLY, THIS IS ALL THAT HAPPENED!  A streak of unknown black shit on the air cleaner cover and the dirt removed on the saddle bag!  Madness, just plain madness!


As we screwed around in the bar for the next few hours, person after person walked up and just laughed and said, "how's it feel to be alive?"  "God had your back man" and "get your ass to church and then race over to the casino, now!"  All I knew was that I was alive and it felt amazing!  Every sense in my body was at full attention and although my back felt a bit strange and I was walking funny, I felt pretty damn good.  Well pretty damn good until my mass endorphin rush began to subside and with each passing minute that it did, I got more and more sore and more and more stiff!  I guess that I never got my leg fully over the bumper as I thought I did because now it hurt like a som-bitch!  My back muscles were so wrenched that I could barely raise my arms and my right arm at the elbow clicked with each movement!  I could not stand for more than a few minutes at a time and when I sat, it felt like lightning bolts were shooting from my right leg to my neck.  The real kicker was that I just didn't care, I was alive and I was in-tact!  For what I had just gone through that in and of itself was a miracle and I'll be forever grateful that my good Karma finally showed the hell up and paid off its long over due balance! 

My trip to Cali for the weekend is off and I could care less because I am alive to do it any time that I want!  I won't ever complain, you will never hear it or read it from me again about my shitty luck or wondering when Karma will appear.  We always think of Karma in the aspect of paybacks, you know, Karma will catch up to his ass and then he'll get what he deserves.  We never think of our good Karma, what we put out in the world and it coming back to us, but I'm thinking of it now!  Like I always say, live each and every single day to the fullest as we never know if it will be our last!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

..... and don't become a hood ornament on a Mercedes

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Dreams Come True Only If You Chase Them

Sweet 5 lb 8 oz Baby Jesus, what a night in Vegas!  Last night I got to live out a dream.  For someone like me, who does what I do, this was a highlight of my career and really, one of the highlights of my life.  Let me fill you in on what happened.  A whole bunch of you already know because you were here for it, but even those of you who were here, may not know what led up to this or how it even came to be.

We got to Vegas on Wednesday night, got our shit together and ran on down to Hogs where apparently everyone we know was down there and busting our balls to get there as soon as possible.  On the walk over, we ran into Jack and Terry, the owners of the Dirty Dogg Saloon in AZ.  You guys know this place, it is where I host events during Bike Week and such.  They are great guys and nothing but class.  I told them where we were heading and they too were on their way down.  We stood on the corner of Freemont Street and talked about how long it had been since Diane and I had been to Vegas.  I mentioned that I had the chance of a lifetime to perform here in March during Nascar but I had to be in Daytona to work The Spoke.  I told them how bummed out I was that I never got the chance to play Vegas.  I also mentioned that the comic that I was going to work with was performing this weekend while we are here and that they should check her out.  With that, we headed down to the bar.  About an hour or so after being there, I'm walking back to my table and I see Bag Lady Sue and ask her how it's going?  What she had planned and who she was performing with?  No one, it's just me was her answer.  I said oh hell, you should let me at least announce you and bring you up on stage.  She said better yet, why don't you perform with me.  You can open the show.  I said well I don't know about that, I haven't done stand up in 15 months.  You can go up, bring me up and if you feel good, do a few minutes, if you feel great do 10 or fuck man, just do whatever you want.  Shows are Thursday, Friday and Saturday.  So I said "fuck it, I'm in" and from that moment on, I've been a nervous wreck.  Thursday came and I said that I will work Friday and see how it goes but there is no way I'm doing 3 nights.

I wake up at 10 am on Friday, nervous as hell and can't stop thinking about what I've gotten myself into?  Diane then informs me, it hasn't been 15 months, it's more like 25, nearly 26 months since I've done any stand up..... well that makes me feel much better.....  so I spent the entire day, sleeping, shitting, sleeping, shitting.  I got out of bed just about 8pm last night, went down to the Canyon Club in the casino, met up with Bags, drank two Jager Bombs, grabbed a sharpie and piece of paper and at 8:25 wrote a show that I was now going to perform in half an hour.  I got on that stage with my hands shaking like a crack head needing a hit.  I mustered up a big ol', trademark, "WHAT'S UP MOTHER FUCKERS" and it was on like donkey kong!  My intro, turned into a few minutes that turned to 5, 10, 20 and closer to a 30 minute show and the audience went nuts.  I've got to admit, it felt really great to be back on stage doing stand up, that I use to love to do so very much.  It has re-ignited a fire in me.

Last night, for the first time ever, I PLAYED THE STAGE IN LAS VEGAS, a comedian's dream and you know what?  I FUCKING KILLED IT!  I just want to say thank you to all that came out to support me and the show.  I was stunned when I saw you all coming in!  I hope you guys had a blast.  So tell your friends, looks like we will be doing it again tonight, but just typing that makes my stomach turn and now I've got to go shit again!  So tell your friends, come down to the 4 Queens on Freemont Street in Vegas and laugh your troubles away, if only for a little escape from reality.

Until we see each other again on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

Vegas Bike Fest Bitches!

Well so far, Vegas has been an absolute blast.  We planned on leaving real early to beat the heat but Diane had to work all day and I could not even finish packing the bike until she got home.  First bump in the road.  Second bump, Phoenix rush hour traffic, 103 degrees going traffic light to traffic light.  The heat was frying us and all I could think about was the old drug ad, "this is your brain, this is your brain on a Harley in bumper to bumper traffic"!  Once we finally got moving, the stress of the day, the traffic and business peeled away with each passing mile and as the spectacular sun set behind the mountains, we were back to being ourselves.

I always keep my phone turned off when I take road trips to save the battery in case something happens.  With our original plan to arrive in Vegas by 1pm the latest, when I turned on the phone, it was filled with messages from fb, voice mail and texts from people who were worried about us and message after message about getting our asses down to Hogs!  It seemed that EVERYONE was at Hogs already.  It was like walking into a reunion as we got there.  It was nearly overwhelming, in each and every direction that we turned, there was someone that we hadn't seen in a real long time.  The fact that Diane was with me proved to many that she is not really a figment of my imagination.  It is so funny that people who have never met her, absolutely adore her because they have learned so much about her from my sharing so openly our lives with the world. 

 We finally decided to go inside the bar, get a drink and say hello to Ms. Michelle, el jeffe of Hogs!  The last thing Diane said as we left the hotel was, "grab my license, don't forget"....  well I forgot!  So as we stood at the door, exhausted from the trip, I handed the door man my i.d. and proceeded to tell him that I forgot Diane's.  I asked him, "hey man, I left hers in the room, can she still get in"?  I'm friends with Michelle, does that help?  He laughed and said, I only hear that 200 times a day.  So I told him that on the 201st, it was true.  Then I asked, does it help any that I work for Cycle Source and he said well hell yeah, that helps a lot!  With that, Michelle came screaming through the door, damn near knocking this wall of a man aside, wrapped her arms around me, then Diane and I looked at the door man and winked.... he laughed and said "201st times a charm"!  Since Wednesday, we've more or less spent all of our time that we've not been in bed, down at Hogs!  We did run down to Cashman Center to pick up our media passes and we were lucky enough to catch the Artistry In Iron show and the level of the bikes were incredible. 

I don't have any pics as I want to leave that as a surprise for you all in upcoming issues of EVERY major bike mag out there!  Stellar scoots, amazing people and an awesome spread of food for all left nothing to be desired, it was all TITS!  Then afterwards, you guessed it, straight back to Hogs!  I could go on and on, but I won't.  I just wanted to keep you guys up to date on our trip so far.

The big news that has come out of this trip is my return to STAND UP COMEDY.  It's been nearly 15 months since I've performed straight stand up and I have to say, I'm nervous as hell and wonder how I get myself into this shit?  So tonight, at the 4 Queens Casino on Freemont Street, the Real Vegas to me, Bag Lady Sue and I will take to the Stage at 9 pm.  If you are in town, c'mon down, if your friends are here, let them no.  I've not really had any time to let people know this was going on!  Wish me luck!

Until we see each other again on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

Another great moment in Suck off History!

I'll share with you a brief back story before you watch this video.  Very rarely do I ever get frazzled while working.  Till this day, I'm still freaking out like you can't believe until I go on stage, scream "what's up mother fuckers" into the mic and let all that energy out.  From there on, it is usually smooth sailing for me.  No event ever goes without its share of troubles, drama or bumps in the road, but on this night, with a capacity crowd that was fired up and waiting for a re-match of our now legendary oil wrestling, I got pulled aside by one of my bosses Frank.  I say one of my bosses because pretty much everyone, right on down to the parking lot attendants are my bosses at The Spoke.  Anyway, Frank says and I quote "now don't get worked up, we have a crisis and what I need is a way to avert it, I need that answer quickly and I don't need you flipping out"!  Okay, no big deal, what could be so bad?  We own this crowd, we've shown them the best time they have ever had at Laconia (our guests words, not mine) and we've got a bunch of girls who are about to get oiled down and wrestle for a few thousand people, what could possibly put a monkey wrench in those spokes?  Is the band running late, have we once again sold Budweiser out of Bud Light, nothing is going to upset me!  Frank says "I bet I can prove you wrong on that statement".  The girls are not coming!  "So what, who cares, what girls" I asked, not really caring.  The wrestlers are not coming!  WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?  I had spent all day long, promoting the return of oil wrestling, the pool was in place, the baby oil sitting in the cup holders of the pool!  What the fuck are we going to do, they are going to riot?  I had to think and think fast.  There was no way to make it in to town with the tire to tire traffic on the only road in.  Okay, he was right, I was fucking freaked out!  We had walked away from the action so that we were able to hear each other speak and hash this nightmare out.  Then my eyes moved from side to side as I was shaking my head in anger and disgust when I saw them!  Sausages, lots and lots of sausages!  Then it hit me like a lightning bolt from the Gods themselves!  We are going to have, the first ever, Laconia, Broken Spoke Saloon, Spring Suck Off!  The rest my friends as they say is history!  I hope you all enjoy this!  I really needed a good pick me up after the week that I just went through and finding these old videos that my dear friend Rodeo was kind enough to send me surely did the trick!

Until we see each other on the road again,
Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

This is how you make memories!

So you guys always read about me saying that what I do is make memories.  This was one of those.  I can't tell you how many messages I got when the event was over and my hand was sore from how many people, both men and women alike who high fived me after the contest was over.  We are only 24 days out from Biketoberfest down in Daytona and we really hope that you will come on over the the World Famous Broken Spoke Saloon and party with us.  I've said it many times, YOU AIN'T SEE NOTHING YET!  For all of those who made the 89th annual Laconia Rally so amazing, thank you.  I promise you, Daytona Biketoberfest and The Spoke will not let you down!  If you think this was fun, just wait until you see the DILDO IN THE HAYSTACK COMPETITION!

See ya on the road soon.

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Paying It Forward

So it's a good time to share this with you.  I mentioned this a few weeks ago and had a pretty overwhelming response, but I only did it on Face Book.  I reach a much smaller audience there than I do here.  We had come up with this idea prior to The Sturgis Rally this past August but didn't have time to implement it before the event took place, but we still have time to pull it off now!

Are you an artist, a jewelry maker, a parts designer/manufacturer, a leather worker, and engraver, a bike builder, do you pinstripe, have you developed a motorcycle related product that will change the world and you are just starting out and can't really afford to come to the MEGA rallies and rent space to become a vendor and share your work with the world?  Are you a charity or do you represent a charity and you want to get your message to the masses?  What would you do if I told you that The Broken Spoke Saloon wants to help you?  It's our time to give back!  THE BROKEN SPOKE GIVES BACK is the official position that we have taken going in to Biketoberfest in Daytona next month!  We are expecting huge crowds once again for this upcoming rally and we want to help you to become part of it.

I've met so many people throughout the years that work out of their garages, storage spaces, in tiny little sheds in the back yard and even on the dining room table trying to chase their dream and produce a final product that they can be proud to call their very own.  A great many times these folks don't make it, although their creations were amazing, very few people ever learned of them.  We want to help you show the world exactly how amazing those creations are!  How are we going to do that?  We can do this because it is our place, we can say who sets up shop on the property and who doesn't and the best part is, we can decide exactly what that costs!  What will that cost you?  You will be stunned when you find out, so it is up to you to ask the question.  Perhaps your reading this right now and are saying well I'm not one of those people you mentioned above, but, my brother is, my sister is, the fabricator who hasn't even heard of the internet yet is, well I call on you to make them aware of this opportunity we are affording them.  THE BROKEN SPOKE WANTS TO GIVE BACK!  Do you know of a veterans charity that needs to have their voice heard, now is your chance to do something to give back to the troops as well!  We are opening up our hearts and our doors to all of you.  Don't miss out on this opportunity

Now don't go thinking "ut oh, The Spoke doesn't have anybody on the property this rally" because you would be so very wrong.  We've recently done a total re-vamp on the lay out of how the property will be set up for this rally and realized that we've got some space now to do something that we've been talking about wanting to do for some time now and we are doing it!  We have builders, artists, the tattoo shop will be up and running and your favorite vendors whom you've come to know and love will once again be at The Spoke with us for this party too and before you get worried and start thinking, "Jack Shit didn't mention the bikini bike wash girls", well now I have and YES they will be back too!  We've also added a motorcycle rodeo to help keep everyone entertained and what would a bike party be without bike games?  Yes we will be hosting a huge bike show with a very special addition this year, we are also hosting a Trike Show, aptly named, Triketoberfest.  We'll be having insane contests once again that you have also come to know, love and expect and I give you my word that we are doing everything in our powers to make this the very best Biketoberfest that you have ever attended!

So the countdown is on and we have only one mission for this event and that mission is to help you dirty ol' bikers make some of the greatest memories you've ever made.

If you missed a previous post that I made last week about "only being as good as your word", you can find that post on the right side of the main page.  What was it about you ask?  It was about The Spoke keeping its promise to you, a promise that we tried to make and were not able to pull it off and now we have, the following image will serve as one hell of a good hint.

So by now you've got to be thinking to yourself, "self, this is a pretty friggin cool thing that The Spoke is doing but how do I become part of this"?  I'm going to tell you right now.  If you would like to be part of this rally and have the chance that you have never before had and may never again have, then all you need to do is contact us.  Leave a comment here with your contact info, send me an email at Jackschit@brokenspoke.com or reach out to one of our head honchos at heather@brokenspoke.com and say "hey, what do I have to do to take part in The Broken Spoke Gives Back" and you will get all the info you need!

We are going to once again throw one hellified biker party for you and we look forward to serving your every wicked need and twisted request, as allowed by law of course.  We can't break them, but we are quite talented at bending them pretty well!  As we get closer to the event, we will be dropping more and more info on you folks to further excite and entice you.  Like I said above, this is an opportunity that has never before been offered by anyone, anywhere and we are doing it because there is never the wrong time to do the right thing and we are PAYING IT FORWARD as our way of saying thank you to all the riders of the world and for those who get em up and out on the road too!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Never give up the fight!

Well howdy ho folks!  Once again I find myself sitting alone on the couch at 1am thinking and once that starts, there is virtually no way to stop it.  This leaves me three options;

Option 1:  Rub one out!  Well with my lack of imagination, poor concentration and nothing but Titanic on cable, this is not an option.

Option 2:  Take to Face Book and get in to the topic that has ruined my day, pissed me off and left the most foul of tastes in my mouth, thus once again causing a wave of "un-friending".

Option 3:  Turn on the Blog, start typing and just let the shit fly, knowing full well that if you maniacs are reading this, the odds on me pissing you off are pretty slim.

Tonight, I really had to decide between Options 1 and 3 but as I unzipped my pants, MY HEART WILL GO ON began to play and a vision of Celine Dion popped in to my head and now I'm not sure how long it will be before I can even get another erection, so I'm going with Option 3, what choice do I have?

As it turns out, this post will run the course of everything from fuck the system to it's a miracle!  What do you say we start with fuck the system?  Good, that was my choice as well.  As many of  you will remember from previous posts, knowing me in real life or just some beauty parlor gossip, on my last trip to Daytona for Bike Week back in March, Diane became very ill.  For those of you who have only begun to follow this blog, my writing or are a new friend on Face Book recently, I'll say this; back in March while I was in Daytona, Diane got very ill.  Okay now we are all on the same page, so I can continue.  At first, I was concerned.  Shortly thereafter, concerned rolled into afraid and that was rapidly followed by the magical combination of terror and guilt.  I felt guilty because I was away and there was absolutely nothing that I could do for her.  With each phone call, Diane told me not to worry, that it was not that big of a deal and all she needed was some rest.  Early on, I believed it but with each call that passed, I could hear her sounding worse and worse.  One thing I've figured out is that when I am away, there is virtually nothing that can make Diane tell me that anything is wrong.  No matter if she hits a vein when she does her shot and ends up mainlining that poison straight into her heart or her eyes get so blurry that she can't see, I never find out about any of this until I arrive home.  She just never wants me to worry when I'm on the road and God love her for that!  I remember walking away from the main stage at The Spoke saying, "hang on baby, it's really loud, let me try and get somewhere that I can try to hear you".  "Are you okay baby", I asked and my jaw dropped when I heard her answer NO, NO I'M NOT!  She tried to explain what was going on, how bad the pain in her head and eyes were and that each time that she stood up, the room spun and she threw up.  "Is it a migraine" I asked and I'll never forget her answer, "I'm praying that it is" she said.  Who the hell prays for a migraine?

To make a very long story short, it was far worse than a migraine and eventually it got to the point where I could no longer get a hold of her.  The last thing she said was "I can't stand up", I'll call you back in a few.  That was the last time that I heard from her.  I called relentlessly all to no avail.  To say that I was panicked would be the understatement of a lifetime!  I was frazzled.  I didn't have to tell anyone at The Spoke that something was wrong because each and every single person saw it on my face.  I had to call a friend who lived 35 minutes away, give them the lock box code and the alarm code and beg them to get to the house to check on her and pray that the dogs didn't bite her as she came in.  Waiting for the call to let me know what was going on felt like an eternity.  When she arrived, Diane was in really bad shape and I can't remember now if she found her on the floor or on the bed.  My phone rang, I answered it and all I heard was "Jack, this is really bad and I don't know what to do"!  With that my heart sank and I wanted to puke instantly.  CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE I shouted into the phone.  "Diane won't let me" was the response.  Eventually she made it to the hospital and was loaded up on all kinds of shit and an IV and a few shots of morphine had done nothing to help.  I think the combination of Demoral and the Morphine finally did the trick and she began to rest.  She was ordered to get to her Neurologist immediately!

Upon my return home from Florida that is exactly what we did.  The doctor ordered all kinds of tests to get to the bottom of this episode.  The most important of these tests was the MRI.  When we lived in Jersey, Diane had them every 6 months to monitor the progress of the MS.  Now we have to go to war with the insurance company for everything.  So now remember, this is in March right?  Well last week, yes, last fucking week, the insurance company finally approved the MRI.  Can you imagine that?  We pay $900 bucks per month for Diane's health insurance alone and it took more than 6 months for them to approve this!  I guess maybe they were banking on it being a brain tumor and her dying before approving it and therefore saving them some money.  As of right now, NO OTHER TEST HAS BEEN APPROVED YET!  $900 bucks per month and still no approvals.  We are not asking for any radical, experimental treatment or some far out test, these are all diagnostics that go along with her condition!  I now know why people snap and go off, just plain losing it and  going to these offices or the dmv and places just like those and go on sprees that become national tragedies.  I could never understand what drove someone to lose it so badly, I am beginning to understand it now!

If this is what paying nearly 12 grand a year for gets you with health insurance, what do you think it will be like when it is govt. mandated?  It is an absolute disgrace the way these companies act!  They take your money and refuse to give you service, hoping that with enough denial letters, you will give up the fight and just quit "bothering them".  NEVER GIVE UP THE FIGHT!

At the beginning of this post, I said that it would go from anger to miracle I believe, so where is the miracle part you ask?  Well here it is.  Although we have absolutely no answer to the questions that came from what the hell happened to Diane in March, Diane had the MRI's a few days ago and the results came back that her MS was stable!  She is still diagnosed with relapsing / remitting Multiple Sclerosis and it has not become Primary Progressive and that my friends after 12 years with this diagnosis is a miracle!  We will never know if the medicine that she takes, also another grand a month is actually doing anything for her, but since she has shown no further progression of the disease, how can we ever stop her taking it?  The doctors mostly attribute Diane's current condition to her Diet, staying in good shape and the fact that SHE NEVER GAVE UP THE FIGHT!  Every day is a battle, some are little skirmishes and others are full on trench and chemical warfare, whichever they are, she just keeps her head down and her rifle up and keeps on firing back!  So there you have it.  We have not one single, solitary answer after 6 long, painful months of what happened to Diane those two days in March and I guess we never will, but right now, she is doing well and that is all that we can ask for!

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you all for the messages that you send, the phone calls that you make and the posts that you guys put up checking on her.  Sometimes, Monday comes and I forget that it is Diane's shot night and all I have to do is turn on the lap top, open up Face Book and there are all the well wishes that her shot goes well.  People from all over the world know that Monday is shot night and that just blows my mind!  Even in the worst of times, the kindness and the generosity of some people is just incredible!  We are blessed to have so many people, kind, caring people in our corner pulling for her to be well or to get well.  I don't know that I will ever be able to share with you how much that means to us.

So remember now, if you find yourself facing the abyss, no matter what may lay ahead, NEVER GIVE UP THE FIGHT and we will be right there for  you as you have been for us!  Oh, I nearly forgot,
FUCK THE SYSTEM!  FUCK MS!  FUCK THE PAIN & FUCK THE INSURANCE COMPANIES!  

Live each and every single moment for the moment, give until it hurts, love with all of your heart, be kind when you don't want to be and above all else, be fucking honest!  Not one of us will ever know what tomorrow may bring or if there will even be a tomorrow so make the very best you can of every second you have and live it and live it as loud and as fast as you can!


Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

RANDOM ACTS OF BULLSHIT

Well we are sorry sir, it's just that you were picked randomly to receive this drug test.  Well sir, we are sorry but you have been randomly selected for the physical pat down from one of our obviously qualified TSA Agents, we regret to inform you sir, but you were randomly picked from this line of traffic for a routine motor vehicle inspection.  I've long believed that there was nothing truly "random" about any of these situations and more yet I always seem to find myself in them.  If you used the same equation, the same mathematical formula that I get selected for these other things then one would have to believe that I would also have the same odds of "randomly" winning a 50/50, a scratch off lottery ticket, a pull of the slot machine's arm or even so much as a God damned door prize at a charity event but I NEVER, EVER get randomly selected for those.  I have to admit, it is pissing me off!

This last month, I went to the doctor, the same doctor that I've been seeing for more than 8 years and I walk in the door and put a urine collection cup on the counter.  I knew the answer, but I had to ask, "what's that for"?  Well sir, you've been randomly selected by our computer for drug testing.  It is amazing how damn near every single month, I'm "randomly" selected.  You would think after 8 years of passing these fucking tests for them they would just realize that I'm not ON DRUGS!  Not only that, but I took a monster piss just prior to leaving my house and it would be hours before I'd ever have to go again, I was not going to wait hours in the doctor's office to take a piss and I flipped the hell out!  I let in to the girl, a girl I'd never seen before at this office and tore her a new asshole and it didn't phase her in one bit, she just handed me the cup!  Diane was laughing her ass off and at the same time begging me to quiet down.  I bitched in the lobby, at the desk, on the scale for the official weigh in (like I'm going in to a prize fight), while getting my blood pressure taken and even boiling mad, just so you guys don't worry about me, it was still good and finally when the person in charge walked in.  I just pissed and moaned, ranted and raved about screw this and enough of that and I didn't see the old lady get handed a "random" cup etc etc.

Today had to be the topper of it all though.  We had to run up to Peoria to show a friend a home that he and his wife were considering purchasing.  I noticed something stuck to the top of my robo garbage can.  I knew we were running late as we had to meet an appraiser as well, but I had to see what the hell was taped to my can.  THIS WAS TAPED TO MY CAN!

Just in case you find it difficult to read, I've taken another photo a bit closer so that you don't have to squint.  This was the part that just made me shake my head and all I could think was "are you fucking kidding me"?

If things aren't bad enough with every other thing that I'm "randomly" selected for, this has to be the very best of all of them.  Really?  You just happened to pick my garbage can to randomly inspect?  It's not because of the bikes constantly parked at the house or the scumbags I consider to be dear friends that lurk outside smoking the occasional cigarette that drew your attention?  Did they think that the by products from my meth lab were just placed on the top of my garbage can, above the old copies of Diane's People Magazine?  I assume that someone walking by on their way to school or walking their dog was drinking a can of coke and as they passed, lifted the lid and threw it in.  One would have thought that I was throwing away depleted uranium waste.  I was also informed that although I was "not in compliance" with the established regulations, this would only serve as a warning.  So now I guess MORE "random" garbage can inspections are heading my way to make sure "I'm in compliance"!  This is what we've become?  Peeking in our neighbors garbage cans?  Do I have to take my garbage to the curb and then before the truck picks it up, do a self inspection to make sure that no "non compliant" trash has found its way in to my friggin can? 

Soldiers are dying, kids go hungry, 43 million Americans are now on food stamps, the economy is in the toilet and we are still at around 9% nationally in unemployment but the GARBAGE CAN INSPECTORS are gainfully employed and don't worry folks, they are here to protect us from ourselves, whether we like it or not!  I can't begin to put in to words just how fucking sick and tired I am of all of this ridiculous bullshit!  I really have had about all one can take.  I am done, revolution is calling and next week, I WILL MAKE MY STAND and I will throw two Coke cans in!  As I type this, Forrest Gump is once again playing on tv in the background and all I can think is how much better off we'd all be with him holding the positions some of these other fools hold!  These are just magical times we are living in my friends.  Enjoy them before you are "randomly" selected for something you can't stand too!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ASS and out of your garbage cans!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit