I can't remember having a little bit of fun HURTING SO BAD!

I was fired up about hosting the Dirty Dogg Saloon and found myself having trouble getting to sleep.  No matter what gig it is that I am about to perform at, my insides shake, my nerves get frazzled and my head races.  What if this is the time that I bomb!  They say that you are not truly a performer until you bomb, well I guess that I am not truly a performer as it has yet to happen.  I am waiting for the executioners axe to fall, will it be this time?  It doesn't matter if I am performing a wedding ceremony for a couple in love, a funeral service for a ffamily in pain, Stand Up comedy for a packed house of drunken maniacs or hosting the greatest bar in the land at the largest motorcycle rally on earth, right up to the split second that my mic gets turned on and I shout "What's Up Mother Fuckers", does the pressure ease.  I channel all those nerves, all that fear and anxiety and it just explodes out of me.  Once I start, I can't be stopped!  It's addictive and I am hooked!  As it turns out, the night before Bike Week was about to begin, I had moved a bike or two and a shit ton of furniture to get the house ready for our "IRON DOLLS" to visit and play sleep over.  I must have done something stupid because about 5 am, I was awoken with pain that I haven't felt in years.  How does one go to bed fine and wake up 3 hours later and not be able to walk?  I don't know either, but sure as shit, IT DID.   I have learned one simple rule in life, if something bad is going to happen, IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME!  I wrapped it in a brace and headed off to Knockout.

We kicked off Bike Week early with a party over at Knockout Motorcycles in Mesa.  We hung out in their new shop, had a few drinks, checked out the bikes and took the tour.  Not only do they have a show room, a build and service shop but they also have a full Studio attached to the building for photo and video shoots.  Now with that you would think that this area would be kept spotless clean and there would be nothing in there.  Well that is far from accurate.  Parked in the middle of the photo studio is the newest Knockout project.  Sure, you would think obviously a new bike build right?  WRONG!  These maniacs purchased an armoured truck that had been literally shot to shit!  They are turning it into a limo to go and party in.  Imagine the cop that pulls this thing over and asks "can I search your vehicle" and the response is simply, "if you think you can get in, you can".  We took off from Knockout on a group ride up to the Dogg and it was a mad dash up the 101 in Snottsdale and it was tight, fast, mean and well organized.  Right up until we were going to pass the exit ramp and 40 of us had to get over 5 lanes of high speed bumper to bumper traffic..... then we looked sort of like the balls inside of a bingo machine!  We all made it!  From that point on, we partied like rock stars.  Sunday we followed it up with the Born2BWild Wildlife run and that was fantastic.  I wrote about that two posts back so go check it out when you get a chance.

Monday came and the locals had gone off to work and the pace of the bar slowed down greatly and I began to freak out!  I am standing in a bar that compared to the previous day now looks desolate.  Holy Shit, does the boss think they we are not pulling our weight?  Will he think that he screwed up hiring us?  How can it be this slow?  As it turns out, AZ Bike Week really don't begin until Wednesday and the boss knew damn well already that this was the case, I however did not and was freaking out.  Each night came and the bar got busy but not blockbuster.  That's when Brother Bean're decided that the World Shuffle Board Championship would begin!

...... and holy shit did he take this serious!  Bean're managed to crush the competition all night long.  I had no idea this was all going on until I was told about his facebook posts claiming to be the Champion of the World and daring any and all to come down and take him on!  The next day he was walking around like a proud rooster.  That is until he asked me to play!  I had not played this game in nearly 8 years but figured sure, what the hell, I'll try it.  Needless to say, it was a blow out, I beat his ass like a red headed step child!  I walked outside to smoke a victory cigarette and all the bouncers asked what happened, I informed them of my victory and they made me post up on my facebook status the same information!  This is when I learned of Bean's posts about being world champ!  I did not play again, I retired a champion!  The following day was Tattoo Tuesday and although it seemed a bit slow in the afternoon, 30 bikes would pull in and the same would pull out.  I have never seen a bar work like a toilet.  It was full, then flushed, emptied and immediately filled back up with fresh water or in this case, bikers!  That next day, before the madness ensued, we played a little Texas Holdem Poker, another game I have never played.  It was funny and strange all at the same time. 

I had started Tuesday off with a surprise visit at my house from none other than Kevin "Teach" Baas and his lovely wife Amy, along with a few other friends.  What a way to start the day.  When it came time to go, we left early and we all rode over together to TT's Roadhouse to see Skoog and help him kick off bike week there.  I was only able to hang out for 45 minutes before having to ride out to work but it was good to see friends.

I boogied out of TT's as fast as I could and my new friend Mike took the ride with me up to the Dogg, I didn't want to be late!  As I pulled in to the lot and rolled up to park right in front of the door, I was blown away.  I took one quick look and saw, Bean're, Long Jon, Pinky Pancake, Menace, KP Keith, the whole crew from New Mexico and countless others.  I was blown away!  I can't believe all these guys came out to hang out with me at work!  THEY DIDN'T!  They were just waiting for me to show up so that Bean're could leave and they all rode down to TT's party..... sons o bitches! I walked in the door thinking, "you bastards" and feeling ever so lonely, I was greeted by a few other friends and my pain was eased!  I hung for a bit and just thought, man I sure hope it gets a bit busier tonight!  Well be careful what you wish for!  I'm not sure exactly when it happened but all of my friends who rode away were back and they brought more folks with them and the place turned in to a zoo!

We had the band come off stage, the party continued on and we got ready for the Tattoo contest.  When I asked what the prizes were the boss said, I'm not sure, we have plaques and some cash.  Some cash I thought?  Oh boy.... congrats on your win, here is 6 bucks and a plaque!  I have never been more wrong!  We broke the contest in to two parts, men's and ladies so not to drag the party to a hault.  First up was men's and my boy Teach took 3rd place, got the plaque and the cash.  As it turns out, the bar put out $1200 in cash for this contest, wow, I was blown away!

The quality of the ink was pretty spectacular!  It was a good time.  I had never hosted a tattoo contest with so many great competitors and such great prizes, the competition was fierce!  The night went on, we brought up the ladies and the contest continued on.

 The night went on and on and on!  My fear of having an empty bar was never felt again!  My only fear in that bar from that point on was "if I have to go to the bathroom, how will I ever make it through the crowd"?
The following day, AZ Bike Week officially kicked off and the locals would show up after work but all the folks from out of town were coming in in droves.   By the next day, Biker Betsy, Masyn and Qian along with their tv crew in tow had made it to my house to party and ride with us.  Mike Lichter had come in to town, rented a car and drove straight on up to the Dirty Dogg to hang out and shoot some pics, ride some scoots and shake some hands.  On a side note, he has got to be one of the classiest guys I have ever met.  If there is anyone in the BIKE WORLD who deserves an ego, or to have an attitude, it's him and he is the furthest thing possible from it!  That day was Wednesday and that night was WILD AND WET WEDNESDAY at the one and only Dirty Dogg Saloon and my God to I have some shit to share with you about that.  I have just decided that the wet t contest deserves it's very own blog post, so I will share that one with you the very next chance I get to sit down and put my thoughts to words.  After that, I will tell you how I ruptured the disc in my back while hosting a bike event..... and people think it is easy doing what I do..... IT'S NOT!  So whatever you do, don't even try it...... okay, it's not so bad and I really just don't want the competition!  See you again tomorrow when I get at this again. 

Until we see each other on the road;

Keep the wind in your face
Tits in your back
and the Man off your Ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Million Miles Squire!

I have so much to share with you guys, my friends about my experiences during AZ Bike Week hosting the one and only Dirty Dogg Saloon but for now this will have to do.  By far, one of the highlights for me was when my friend, the one and only Million Miles Squire fought the crowds and battled his way up to the stage with some help from Biker Events Magazine online's Will.  It took a few seconds to even put together the face with who it was.  Squire currently is ranked number three in most miles ever ridden on a Harley Davidson.  He has logged more than one million miles and that is just absolutely mind blowing.  Not long ago, Squire was diagnosed with cancer and he is currently in the battle of his life and he is winning.  Wait, scratch that, right now, he is kicking it's fucking ass!  Squire is currently featured in Biker magazine and they tell just a tiny bit of his tale.  He is currently hangin out here in AZ and if you see him anywhere, believe me, it's cool to just go right up and say hello and let him know you are behind him in support with this war he's fighting!  This is one first class human being. 

In the next day, I will sit down, dig through some amazing shots and share with you folks who couldn't join us at the Dogg, a few tales of what you missed!  I have been forming a top three list in my head of the event, but that went to a top five, to a top ten, to a top 20, right up to a holy shit realization that there is no way to list what was the best part of the event because for myself, the entire event was amazing.  I just wanted to share with you all tonight a photo that I will cherish of a friend who is in the fight of his life and that didn't stop him from getting out there.  Don't let anything hold you back, get out and live your life like it's your last day, it just very well may be.

Your friend,

Jack Shit

Sweet 4lb 3oz Baby Jesus, it's only day 3!

Everyone is sending me messages and texts asking how Bike Week is going for me at the Dirty Dogg Saloon and I simply tell them, it's okay I guess!  YEAH RIGHT!  It's better than Disney Land!  We are only beginning day 3 and already I can barely walk and you know what, I don't care!  We kicked off Bike Week with a quick gathering over at Knockout in Mesa where they tapped a keg for us, shot some pics, hung out and checked out some of the baddest bikes ever to hit the pavement!  These guys got some operation going on over there!  They were smart enough to see the writing on the wall in the bike industry and made the segway from just building one off customs to opening a full shop offering everything from builds to simple tire and oil changes.  At 4:30 sharp, well sort of, we lined up the bikes and about 40 of us rode up to the Dogg!

Once we arrived back home at the Dogg we got Knockout set up to show off some of those amazing bikes and just hang out and meet and greet so many people who have always wanted to say "hello" and really never get the chance, again, these guys are first class!  We started off that afternoon in a nice quiet way with just about 100 people or so in the bar and I thought, ah yes, this is perfect, a nice slow way to get the party started and "get my feet wet" so to speak.  Although I have hosted or emcee'd bike events and rallies for the better or should I say BEST part of my life but each and every place and event I host is different.  The whole, roll in to this event easy went right out the door within an hour!  Within two you could barely move, within three I found myself standing atop a booth just to watch over the mayhem.  I was told to just pretty much hang out and just have a good time.  Welcome friends new and old and not worry about getting on the mic..... that lasted about three hours and I couldn't stay off it.  I only went on for a few minutes but quickly worked the crowd in to a frenzy.  Having five beautiful women standing on the bar next to you don't hurt either!

As you can plainly see, it was so packed in there that we had to pack everyone in really tight!  At some point it was difficult to even get between some folks!  Believe me, I tried with all I could to squeeze in a few times but to no avail!  We had an amazing night that first Saturday which officially I am not even sure if Bike Week had even started.  Like I said, that nice slow start that we had anticipated didn't exactly happen.  I joked with the owner and said, maybe Bean're and I over promoted, he said there is no such thing.  This is how you KICKSTART an event.

We have got so much fun planned for all of our friends old and new this Bike Week that it's hard to even lay it all out for you guys.  If you are in Arizona, get your ass to the one and only Dirty Dogg Saloon, if you are not in Arizona, there is still time, pack your shit, get on that bike and GET YOUR ASSES HERE!  Like I told a friend who sent me a message from Ohio, don't worry, we'll wait for you to get here!

Now yesterday, I had the great honor of helping out an amazing organization and with the full support of the boss at the Dogg!  Not only did the Dirty Dogg sponsor the event but they even sent Bean're and I out on the ride and to help raise money, awareness and the level of stupidity to an all time high and that is just what we did!  The organization is called LIBERTY WILDLIFE and they hosted the Born 2B Wild event.  This is a private group, they accept no money from the government and they do it all on their own with long hours and lots of volunteers.  They rescue wounded animals native to the Sonoran Desert, give them top notch medical care and when they are ready, release them back in to the wild.  They don't keep them, or put them in a zoo somewhere and they sure as shit don't sell them!  Yesterday they hosted a dice run and I was stone blown away with the number of people who attended.  There was just short of 300 bikes on the ride and an insane amount of people at the final stop.  At the beginning of the event and along the way and at the final stop, they had these spectacular animals on display so that everyone could see just what they have helped.

This is before most of the pack even showed up.  Inside that jeep are two majestic birds of prey.  A golden eagle and a bald eagle that have been rescued from certain death and given a new life.  Some animals can't be returned to the wild because of their injuries, they would never survive, they are kept, loved and taken care of at great expense forever!

We raised some much needed money, gave away some utterly incredible prizes, prizes like I have never before seen just given away with a fifty fifty ticket and in the end, we released back in to the wild two red tailed hawks!  The hawks were released in the memory and the honor of Kimmy Chapman Lauer, owner and editor of the Arizona Biker Information Guide!  Kimmy was loved and more importantly RESPECTED by everyone who has anything to do with this life style that we lead.  She was known throughout the USA and her loss was senseless and tragic.  When I have the time to do her justice, I will write and tell you more about Kimmy, how she was lost and more importantly how she lived with L,L,H & R for each and every person she met in her travels.  Her loss has left a massive void in our community that may never be filled!  So if you are on a bike, watch your ass and if you are in a cage, by God, please pay attention, bikes are everywhere and it only takes one moment of not paying attention to take some one's life!  IS IT WORTH SENDING THAT FUCKING TEXT right then and there?  I didn't think so. 

On that very first day we partied, more than 50 people came to see me at the Dogg and I am forever in your debt for your incredible support!  I don't mean 50 showed up at the bar, I mean 50 people who I know personally and a few that I met that day in real life for the first time ever, finally, walked through those doors!  Friends old and new came to hang out and party and I can hardly put in to words what your support means to me!  Join us all week at the Dogg and come see for yourself why this place and it's people are so very special to me!  Thanks for coming out and I will see you this week and whatever your plans are, make sure you come out on Saturday to party with us at the Spring Fling and we'll show you how we do it DOGGY STYLE!

You may walk through the door of the Dogg with your best pair of panties on but that sure as hell does not mean that you will be walking out the door of the Dogg with them still on! 

 Check out our underwear collection!

Come in any day or every single day, we will be there waiting for you!  Only two of the photos in this blog were taken by me and I want to give props to Julie Turner Salvante for all of the rest of these Stellar Shots!  Some people just have a natural eye for "seeing" the shot before it's taken and she's got it!  Get your ass down to the Dogg and who knows, maybe you too will be immortalized in one of these amazing photos!

EVERYONE HAVE AN AMAZING BIKE WEEK, PLEASE STAY SAFE, COME SEE US AT THE ONE AND ONLY WORLD FAMOUS DIRTY DOGG SALOON AND UNTIL WE SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

Keep the wind in your face
Tits in your back
and the man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Lock up you daughters and lock up your wives

Get on those bad motor scooters and ride for you lives! 

ARIZONA BIKE WEEK IS UPON US!  Blow the dust off of those scooters and get your asses down to the Dirty Dogg Saloon!  Starting tomorrow, we are kicking off AZ Bike Week like never before. 

We are kicking this party off with a little get together over at Knockout in Mesa for a few hours and then we are going to line up them there choppers and do a group ride out to the Dirty Dogg Saloon for an afternoon and evening of God only knows what?  For those of you who are concerned about the "God only knows what" factor of the event, you need not!  I am not only a comic and the Host, but I am also an Ordained Minister and will be giving out group forgiveness and a blanket of "it's all good".... So feel free to Sin Away, Rev. Jack Shit has got you covered.  On Sunday, we are supporting the Wildlife run, this is amazing you may want to go on facebook and check it out under my events, what a great cause that is supported solely on donation and events like this.  All costs come out of a fellow riders pocket, no govt. intervention here, she stands alone to pull this off and help these wild animals survive and get back to nature where they belong!  For every bit of Sunshine, a lil rain must fall right?  Isn't that what they say?  Well for the last few days, it is fucking pouring down on your old friend Jack Shit.  Three nights ago, I went to bed at around 1am after a day of getting my house ready for guests for this week and helping Charlie the Nomad move a drill press and a bike from a trailer.  I was awoken in the middle of the night with "take your breath away pain"!  I got up to take my buddy Adam to the airport for his grandma's funeral and I could barely walk.  Now we are three days later and I can barely stand or step down on it..... WTF?

Here is our schedule for the week!  You guys make sure that you get your asses down to the Dogg and visit us.  We have so much planned for you guys that you are never going to forget it!  Bring your girls, bring your muscles and get ready to dance on some poles.  Let's not forget the Dirty Dogg's Bartenders who put on a show like you have never, ever seen!  Bean're has entertainment planned for you that will stick in your brain forever.  Is that a good thing or bad, it will be up to you to determine! 

So here is the deal folks, now you know where we are going to be, what we are going to be up to and when it's going down so I FULLY EXPECT TO SEE YOU THERE!  We have so many confirmed RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE COMING that this is where all the cool kids will be hanging out.  We have some special guests planned, some celeb bikers and .................. well, I'm not going to spoil this shit for ya,  See you at the Dogg, everyone ride safe, but ride hard.  Until we see each other at the Dirty Dogg Saloon for AZ Bike Week,

KEEP THE WIND IN YOUR FACE

TITS IN YOUR BACK

AND

THE MAN OFF YOUR ASS!

Your friend,

Jack Shit

You would never catch me doing this!

So if you read the blog I posted about the Dice Magazine Party that was hosted by none other than Foundry Moto on Saturday night, than you will remember reading about the crew they brought in to play with fire! Here is a short one minute video of one of these maniacs at work! Once again, amazing party Foundry! Everyone is still talking about it, you guys crushed that shit! I have so many videos for once. I have much more in the way of video clips than I do stills, so I think I will make one big video with them and then post it up to give you a feel for the entire event but none of it will do this party any justice at all!

MY GOD, YOU BETTER DRESS THAT WOUND!

*******WARNING********
THIS POST MAY BE TOO GRAPHIC FOR SOME

I guess it started about ten days or so ago. My dear friend Bean're, the world famous Gypsy Biker, the Mayor of Fun ran in to a bit of trouble. I am not sure what caused it, how it began or even when. Was it caused by some horrid, toxic, poisonous creature from the desert or perhaps caused by some horrid, toxic, poisonous creature from a bike rally years ago? I guess one may never know. It began as a tiny little bump much like a pimple would. As any red blooded American male, Bean took to giving it a good squeeze and got a tiny lil pop. Nothing like you would expect from a zit of this quality. So like every single one of us would do, he took to REALLY working that bitch! Like an Amish Milkmaid, he worked from sun up to sun down on this "alleged zit" but to no avail. Not one single drop of that magical pimple puss? Confusion set in? What the hell is this? As a few days passed and not even one single re-pop, that tiny little pimple began to grow to no bullshit, the size of a key lime under his skin on the front of the bicep. Which for the record really gave him a nice peak when he flexed, almost like Popeye. Anyway, it really began to look scary and I offered to take him to my house and perform surgery on it. Hell, I've seen it done before, how hard could it be? I have rubber gloves I use to clean up dog shit, I have a razor blade, that's like a scalpel, I had some goggles for when it burst, I WAS READY TO OPERATE! I even offered to put a used syringe in that bitch and try and suck it dry. I must admit that I was both shocked and disappointed when he turned me down on my offer.

Well Bean decided it was best to get to the hospital of course against my better judgement. He went and sure as hell there was no fluid, no puss, no nothing to get out of the damn thing. Turns out that it was an infection that there is no way to tell how it started. Let me say this to any of you ladies who are reading this, it's okay, it's not contagious and it is in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM an STD... so hold on to your places in line! Your turn will come. Anyway, they gave Brother Bean some knock anything dead meds and instructions on how to take care of it. Bean followed the doctors instructions to the letter and did exactly what they said to do. Now another week has passed and not only has it not gone away, or gotten even the least bit better, it in fact, in my opinion looks much worse. Being the intelligent guy that he is, Bean're went on line, opened up Web MD and checked to see what Web MD suggested he do. First and foremost, make sure the area is clean and then immediately DRESS THE WOUND to the best of your ability. I think he did a phenomenal job in dressing the wound! I only hope that Bean're is around if something ever happens to me and is there to dress my wounds as well as he did his own. If I didn't know better, I would have thought for sure that while in the Marine Corp, he would have been a field medic or something. I will leave it up to you to decide on how good a job he did. Like Web MD said to do, Bean're immediately DRESSED THE WOUND. I was lucky enough to be there to capture it on video. I also took a ton of still photos as well, but I can't post them in this same blog, it won't let me!

Foundry Moto is BACK and bigger and better than ever!

It was like coming home!  That's all I kept saying Saturday night and it's all I kept hearing!  When I heard the news that Foundry Moto was hosting Dice Magazine at a party at the shop I felt, I must admit, as excited as I was the first time I ever walked through the door in to a Titty Bar!  Let me tell you, that was pretty damn excited!  I had even entertained the thought of cleaning up the Knuckle for such a special occasion.  That thought came and went quickly as I am sure you will notice in some of the pics.  Electricity was in the air and it was hours before we even left to roll on up there.  I kicked that knuck to life and rode the brutal distance of 8 doors away and picked up the one and only Charlie the Nomad.  We were going to scoot on over to Snottsdale, grab Keith Cole, Worm and his brother and then shoot over to F-Bomb's new shop.  If you have ever ridden in or around Scottsdale Az, you know the law can be pretty heavy handed when it comes to dealing with hooligans such as ourselves on death trap motorcycles.  As we crested the hill that splits the mountains at Papago park, the entire city of Phx unveils itself just as the sun was setting, it was a gorgeous sight!  The other point I should make is that is just about the exact spot that it turns from Scottsdale in to Phoenix, where the road goes from 2 lanes to 3 and where the speed limit goes from 35 to 45.  At the very moment that we crested that hill, all six bikes split lanes in all directions and all I could think of was, "AND THE MADNESS BEGINS"!  Holy shit was I right on the nose.  I hit 85 trying to catch these maniacs, on stroked out big inch evo's and bear bone rigid sporty chops and those fuckers FLY!  Don't worry, I CAUGHT EM!  Next stop, the Melrose historic district and pick up brother Bomb!  We hung out for a few, checked out the new shop and we waited for Bean're who was the only one of us with a lick of sense who didn't blow through the city, splitting lanes the entire way.  We got a call, he had stopped to help someone on the side of the road on a chop.  We were going so damn fast we never even saw the guy!  Turns out, he was already up at Foundry.  I guess the saying is true, slow and steady wins the race.  That son of a bitch beat us there!

I ended up leading the pack on that ole knuck of mine while being chased down not only by these maniacs on rigid sporties but by two of the best riders I have ever seen and they were atop their STAMPEDE bikes!  As I crossed the final intersection of Glendale and 27th my excitement nearly bubbled over.  Especially as I hit a pot hole on my rigid sprung knuck that seemed big enough to swallow a Ford Escort!  My bars felt like they went tank slap to tank slap and as I rode through thought, wow, that would have really sucked and I better remember that thing is there for the next time!  As we rolled on up, THE BIG ROLLING GATE opened and we rode on in.  The place was jam packed, asses to elbows!  Now if you have never been there, Foundry Moto is hard to describe but I will try.  Imagine a tiki bar built for GIANTS!  Everything is lit with torches and the fire danced across all the old iron and shiny new chrome.  You have to ride through a crowd packed in so tight that all you can think of is, don't let me hit any other bikes and please don't let me roll over that patch holder's foot.  There was virtually not a spot to be had to park one bike, much less six.  But here's the thing, I know the lay of the land there and I felt as if I had pulled in to my own driveway.  I lead the pack right through the crowd and the center of main building and parked right between the two main doors right at my favorite palm trees.  One of my favorite things about Foundry's place is the palm trees.  They are all carved in to TIKI GODS and the trees are all still alive.  It's an amazing sight!  We all slipped in tight and the two of us who could not were escorted to even better spots, yeah man, I was home! 



There is one thing that I must admit with total honesty.  I swear that there is no feeling like foot clutching your way through a packed crowd on a 47' Knucklehead.  Everyone turns there head because at first they just hear it and then they see my baby Koko!  She makes quite an entrance and I swear I get about an inch or so added to my junk when it happens.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying wow, look at everyone looking at me, I know damn well, they are only looking at her and I am okay with that, she deserves all the love and respect she gets, she has earned it!  I could not get off that bike fast enough.  As we rolled in there were so many faces that I had never before seen, but man oh man, there they were, so many that I hadn't seen in ages.  For a while there about 2 years ago, Foundry was THE place to be and to be there often.  Not only had they not missed a beat but this shit was bigger and better than ever.  Every direction that I turned in was another friend coming over to say "what's up brother" and not one of them didn't have a huge fuckin smile across their lips.  In that moment, 2 years had not passed since we partied there last, it seemed more like 2 weeks.  We picked up exactly where we left off, or so I thought.  Although things seemed exactly the same they felt totally new and fresh.  The vibe in the air was pure!  I dismounted, said hello to friends and stepped in to the building.  Normally it would be filled to the gills with choppers and only choppers, split in the center by a kick ass hand made copper topped bar and a band over in the corner.  I walked in looked around and was blown away.  The first thing I saw of course was a sick Knucklehead and then two of the baddest SS Impala Low Riders I have ever seen in my life.

You can click on any pic in this post and it will blow up to full size and I suggest you do it, because this shit is worth a bigger better look!  This party was rocking and it had hardly even gotten under way.  About a month or so, my friend Danny G from Foundry had put up a post with a pic and it said, "the half pipe is done".  I remember looking at the pic and thinking God damn, it looks like it takes up half the property.  I was wrong, it only takes up a quarter of the property or should I say a quarter of the acreage!  One of the nicest half pipes I have seen in a long long time!  It was as if there were separate parties going on and all you had to do was cross over an imaginary line and as you did, the music from one slipped right in to the music from the other.  I would bet no less than 50 people dropped in on their decks all night long!  Each showing nothing but respect to each other.  So now my mind starts to wonder, call it shell shock from being around this lifestyle so long, this ain't going to be good.  All these young bucks mixed in with all us old fucks!  I could not have been more wrong!  Not one fight, argument or so much as a cross eyed look across the lot.  THIS WAS UNBELIEVABLE to me.  Like I said, the vibe was just plain PURE!  I bounced from party to party all night long.  Stopping along the way to share a laugh, a drink or a hug with friends old and new.

Too bad I could not fit the entire half pipe in this photo, it was huge!  I understand that Danny G was responsible for this and he deserves mad props for pulling this off, Danny, you fuckin rock my friend.  I had honestly thought about borrowing a deck and saying to hell with it and dropping in.  Common sense reared it's head thank God and I did not.  Worm on the other hand, separated shoulder and recovering from getting side swiped by a jeep at high speed on his bike apparently has no common sense because that crazy bastard did, twice!

I caught this just before testosterone took over for common sense.  This is shortly after Worm took me over to the back corner of the property for a "circle, pep talk"....  It worked better for him.  After our talk, all I could do was stare at the moon, which of course was closer to the earth EVER as I was told last night.

 For once I have more video than stills and I wish I knew how to drop them in here now because you guys would love them.  I could see a big circle forming and people being pushed back and thought, finally, a good ol' American fight!  Well what would you think with all these DIRTBAGS together in one spot?  Since the circle had formed right next to my bike I thought wow, I hope it's a fight and my bike isn't on fire.  As I walked over I thought ah, you're being stupid, that is until I saw them coming over with fire extinguishers..... needless to say, my pace picked up a bit.  Well, my bike was not on fire, but all kinds of shit was!  There was going to be a display, a performance of fire dancing, no big deal, seen that shit before.  Well again, I could not have been more wrong.  These fuckers had chains with flaming maces, metal bars with flaming balls that they spun around with their necks and yes, the first time I have ever seen it, a chick doing the hula hoop... big deal right?  Oh yeah, did I mention that the hula hoop was on FIRE?

Although I love huge parties and love being in the middle of it all, this mad display of fire dancing pulled so many people over to watch it, that I felt claustrophobic, so I hopped off the seat of my knuck and went for a walk.  There were still parts of the shop that I hadn't visited in over a year.  I wanted to see what else had changed.  Man am I glad I did.  They have what you would consider a fair sized "retail" area where they always displayed their many trophies and sold t shirts and kept a huge albino snake and I hadn't been in there since the last time I slept there and piled up all my shit and was awoken with the question, "JACK, DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE SNAKE WENT"?  Let me say this, it was the fastest I had ever awoken and was on my feet in my life!  The retail shop was gone and what they had now on display was nothing shy of spectacular.  Three of the baddest bikes to ever hit the road were on display in there.  That knuck on the top of this post was one of them and the details on that back were like none that I have ever seen.  Rudy blows my mind each and every single time he finishes one of these, what I consider TIME MACHINES!  Just amazing.  The fire show had ended, the crowd went back to where they had been partying before and we just got back to the business of BEING BROTHERS again.  For the first time ever, other than just a hey what's up and how are you, I got to sit down and bullshit with the one and only Slim!  If you don't know who this guy is or what he does, you MUST google his ass and find him, Slim's Fabrications is the company.  Slim, if I got that wrong, forgive me please.  This guy builds shit that not only could I never build, but he builds shit that I could have never even thought of! 

Right now all I can say to you guys is that I am so sorry that I did not take more pics.  I was so busy being happy that I forgot most of the time that I even had my camera on me.  On this night, there was nothing but an amazing moon, incredible hosts, a mind blowing venue to host it all and some of the sickest bikes you have ever seen.  Nothing could be better about this night.  Not one single problem!  Well that is until I walked over to where I had left my crew sitting and as I approached, they were all heading my way with a little extra zeal in their collective steps.  I thought that a pit bull with aids was on the loose by the way that every one on that side of the property, from the entrance gate to the porta pisser was heading my way and quickly.  Being the idiot that I am of course, I had to walk right past them to see why everyone was going the other way.  All you could see, for as far as you could possibly see were red and blue flashing lights.  I said earlier in a face book post, I would have hated to be the cop in the last car to arrive because it had to be a five minute walk from where he had stopped his car to the front of the line of Police vehicles!  So suddenly, I find myself the only one standing smack dead in the middle of the black top lot, not one person around me and I thought for a moment that God was there to take me.  I was bathed in the brightest, whitest light I had ever seen!  Turns out, God was not there to take me, nor was it the light from the moon, it was the massive spot light from the Phx Police Helicopter and it was pointed right on me.... again, here is another spot where I have no photo, but I do have some great video.... 

So now what you have is a party that got a bit loud!  It went I am sure a bit longer with the noise than would be allowed, okay, we'll quiet down, seems like a reasonable response to the police.  YOU WOULD THINK RIGHT?  Wrong!  I have to say right here and now, that had they entered the property all the peace and PURE vibe that had been there all night would have instantly shot to hell and the Foundry Crew knew this.  They stood shoulder to shoulder and would not allow those cops on to the property!  Balls of steel boys, balls of steel!  So here you have a few hundred people who have been drinking and they want everyone to leave?  I guess the cities coffers needed a few more coins because I can only imagine the DUI tickets they would have gladly written.  An ultimatum was given and it was by far one of the most ignorant things I had ever heard.  Everyone, must go inside the building and then the doors must be closed.  So they took a simple noise complaint and turned it in to one of the biggest fire hazards I have ever seen.  Remember the Great White Concert in Long Island?  Had a fire broken out, hundreds of people could have been hurt or died!  TO PROTECT AND SERVE MY ASS!  That was it, the line was drawn in the sand!  My officers will not leave until we see everyone inside and the doors closed!  Out of respect for our hosts, everyone went inside the building where for the inconvenience, now became a come and get it, free open bar.  Like I said, these guys at Foundry Moto are nothing but class.

There was no way that I could be packed in like that, so I pulled my rolled up leather off my scoot, threw it on the ground and lay down next to my sweet Koko Knuck.  A short while later, Worm and Nomad were splitting, it was my chance to bounce as well, strength in numbers right?  I got my shit together in a hurry and kicked the ol' girl to life and we rolled on out, fully expecting to be stopped and cavity searched on the next corner.  Luckily, we were not!  We made it off of the surface streets, it that freeway balls out and got the holy hell out of Dodge!  The evening could not have ended more perfectly than to be barrel assing down the freeway at 1:30 in the morning with great friends and having that freeway damn near to yourself!  I would say that is all to the night, but it was not.  Tomorrow, I'll post the story and the video to go with it about our last stop of the evening at Taco Hell!

I'll say this, Big Chris, Rudy, Matt, Robbie, Danny G and everyone else that I just missed from Foundry Moto, you guys are the epitome of class.  Thank you for treating me so very well when I got there and right up until the moment I kicked over my bike to split!  I can't think of anyone here in Arizona that throws a party like you guys do!  Let's do it again real soon, please don't let it be so long between these gatherings of some of the finest people on earth!  I'll see you on the road soon and again, thank you so very much for putting a Long Ass Overdue Smile on this dirtbag biker's face!  Again, I only wish I had taken more still shots to share with you guys.  If you don't know who Foundry Moto is, then you best Google that shit or something and learn quick, because if these guys are not in your life, YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR LIFE! 

Till we see each other on the road, I am your friend, Jack Shit and please, till that time comes again;
KEEP THE WIND IN YOUR FACE
TITS IN YOUR BACK
AND THE MAN OFF YOUR ASS!

A woodpecker using his pecker!

How much wood could a woodpecker peck, if a woodpecker would peck another woodpecker!

So since I was feeling a bit better, I had to get out and pull some weeds. Right before I got sick I noticed a few tiny weeds pop in front of the house. After I got sick we had some rain, it lasted about 4 minutes. Fast forward 8 days and they were mid thigh high! I am still completely amazed that anything could grow in the desert, much less thrive. I am still shocked that anything could survive! I am so out of shape that from bending over and standing, bending over and standing the muscles all along the back of my legs felt like I had been caned! I lit a smoke, sat on a bar stool under the front patio roof to take a break for a minute and heard a loud thud. Well I guess one horny ass woodpecker picked a not so horny woodpecker and decided he was going to have his way with her, whether she wanted it or not. Of course I had my phone in my pocket and these two birds, having no shame whatsoever, decided they were going to get it on in front of me. Damn exhibitionist Woodpeckers, who knew? I didn't even know that birds screwed, I thought they just laid eggs? Shows you what I know. Well you can tell by the sound, at first she put up a lil bit of a fight during foreplay, but she soon was enjoying the hell out of it! THAT IS UNTIL I RUINED IT! So here is the video. I hope that you enjoy watching it, as much as I enjoyed watching it but nearly as much as they enjoyed PECKING IT!

Now that's how you make an exit

tHIS IS WHY I AM THE WAY I AM!


As you guys know, I sort of dropped off of the face of the earth for a bit there. If you read my last blog I gave a brief explanation for the reason why. That trouble with the tooth has yet to be resolved and every so often rears it's ugly head. For as long as I can remember my life has been feast or famine and this is in no way, shape or form an exaggeration. When things are good for us, they are incredible but when things are bad for us, famine may not even come close to describing it. One week the lil woman and I may be eating fillet Mignon and lobster and then find ourselves just weeks later, for weeks surviving on Ramen Noodles! In the 25 years that we have been together, conventional is a word that has never been used to describe our life. There were some periods when we got conservative and tried to put some money on the side for a rainy day or in that "just in case" acct. but that only lasts so long anyway. It's just shy of 11 years since my wife was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and that changed the entire game! The reason that we knew something was wrong was the day that both of her feet fell asleep and went pins and needles. To make a long story short, those pins and needles rose steadily like a thermometer being taken from the freezer and placed directly in the sunlight! The numbness and incredibly painful "tingling" got up in to her chest where it made it impossible for her to breathe as if a giant weight lifting belt had been cinched around her and no matter how hard she tried, her lungs just could not expand and shortly after SHE WENT BLIND! I raced her to the hospital praying that she could catch enough breath to survive until I got her there. One MRI later and we got the diagnosis and it was devastating. Neither of us knew really much about MS at all with the simple exception that you became crippled and then you died!

She beat the odds and got most of her sight back which was an incredible gift as a great many people do not! That first major attack ended after a few months of brutal treatment with serious meds and I remember having never felt so helpless and so very angry in my life. Why her? This woman is a saint!
I remember sneaking away to the computer and going online to research all I could on MS and there was not one thing that was in any way positive. Later, I would walk in to the office, see her sitting at the desk on the computer and in the reflection of the windows behind her, see the header WEB MD! I would rip the wires out of the back of the computer and break the connection. Looking back it was silly and stupid. I wanted her to fight for her life and the last thing I wanted was for her to read the same things that I had just seen. It was to no avail, she would just calmly walk around the desk and plug them back in. I would walk out the back door of the house, walk deep in to the pine barrens behind us and cry and get it out of my system and then return to her side.

It turns out that I just may be married to the baddest bitch who ever walked the land! Rather than take that info she just read and say, "well, I have no chance" and just give up, it pissed her off to no end. From that moment on, she would not allow this fucking thing to beat her, no way, no how! With that attitude, I too became inspired. With the meds that she got put on immediately and diet and exercise she has put on the greatest display of staying positive that I have ever witnessed, it's just incredible! What does this have to do with feast or famine you ask? EVERYTHING! The thing with MS is that one night you can get a kiss from your girl at night and off to sleep she goes and then in the morning, she could wake up, blind or paralyzed! That is the viciousness of this monster of a disease. The problem in not so much the disease that gets you, but the unknown that scares you to death deep down. From the moment that she was able to live a relatively normal life again, we decided that was it! No longer would we worry about the future or what it may hold for us but we worried about what we were going to do tomorrow to make it count! We decided from that point on, that we would live each and every single day to come as if it were our last and you know what, it just may be. Look at what's happening in Japan right now. What good does a big bank account do for those people? What did saving for a rainy day do for them? It didn't rain, a tsunami came and took it all! There is no tomorrow!

We looked at each day as a gift. We travelled to places that we have always wanted to go. We packed up and up rooted our lives back east where the weather can be brutal and moved to THE VALLEY OF THE SUN! We would spend the money as fast as it came in on "living life". We have no kids so there is no guilt in not saving for them. Because of the businesses we were in, we had money rolling in hand over fist and life was looking pretty good. Then the market crashed, everyone around us, the people that we loved were losing everything. Some time to be in real estate right? It caught up to us as well. In that first 9 years since her diagnosis we blew through an utterly insane amount of money. We spent nearly a half a million dollars on meds, treatment and all the other great stuff that comes with being sick and we spent all else we had left on making every day of life the best it could be and we never looked back! Then the economy caught us by the tail as well. The money stopped rolling in and for nearly one year we had virtually no income. We never imagined at that time that for real estate "it was over" and that the entire economy would crash 18 months later. That river of cash turned into a dried up stream bed and we were in deep shit! There would be an occasional storm and we would have some water in that stream bed to give us life but for the most part it was time to liquidate. Do I need 3 bikes? NO! Do we need a convertible, a jeep, a bmw, a truck and water toys? NO! We needed a roof over our heads and mostly, we needed that life giving medicine that was costing us 4thousand dollars a month to get! So I cleaned house and that kept us going for a while. While everything around us was crashing down I noticed one thing, she stayed positive and she would say, "it could be worse".

When times are tough, you need to cherish what is good and that will give you the strength to carry on. No matter how bad things were, we would go out of our way to do something to help someone else and although it didn't help to keep the lights on in the house, it helped to keep the lights on in our Souls! We gained hope and inspiration through always doing the right thing and never turning our back to anyone in need and believe me, over the last 4 or 5 years there have been a shit ton of people in need. Thanks to our being such good people, there were people there to help us when we needed a hand up. People who see Diane's spirit down a bit and ask what's wrong? You are always the "up" one and now you are "down", what's wrong? Well, money is the problem, right now we are short and won't have any coming in for a few weeks, not sure how we are going to make it through till then. Next thing you know, there is a check in your hand for 2, 5, 10 grand and a message, pay it back when you can, if you can. If you can't, don't worry about it. That is karma coming back around. We had done so much good for so many and it was noticed. Well we have never not repaid a debt and those hands that reached out to us and kept us from slipping away will never be forgotten. Cherish friendship, always do the right thing no matter what you face and somehow in the end, you will have more Feast than Famine. Your pockets may not be full but your heart will.

So I say this to you my friends, you can fill your tank and take off on a ride. You can stay in third gear and ride at a safe pace but where is the thrill in that? All you have done is travel from one place to another in the most mundane way. I say fuck it man! Give that throttle a quick twist, shoot some gas in to that engine and cause an explosion and feel that adrenaline shoot in to your engine. I am not saying ride with the throttle wide open non stop. All that will do is get you tickets and maybe get you killed. I am saying that sometimes you have to crack that throttle, hold it wide open, grit your teeth and hang on for dear life. You may or may not even make it to your destination. I have always said that for me, it is never the destination but the journey there that matters! A few days ago we had a friend come back to Arizona for court because on his last trip, he had held that throttle wide open just a bit too long. It was great to see him. We ate, drank and just enjoyed each other's company. When it came time for him to go, he kick started that bad ass shovel of his on my driveway. He could he have jut pulled away with a nod and a smile and ridden off, sure. But rather, he jockey shifted that bitch into first, dumped the foot clutch and smoked the tire as he rode away and that is how you make an exit! We never know what life is going to bring us. What I say is the hell with it, I don't want to be heading to my grave with regrets of the things I never go to do and get wheeled in to a room to die. I want to come screaming in, throttle wide open and come in skidding and sliding in, fist pumped in the air screaming THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A FUCKIN RIDE. Make a graceful entrance but make an insane exit! Here is a quick video of Frankie who shares this philosophy and lives each day, one moment, one memory at a time! Now get out there, live it and when it's time to go, MAKE ONE HELL OF AN EXIT!

A little JACK SHIT LOS O PHY

If you never go to the doctor

you will never ever be sick!

... at least that is what my father always said.  We would laugh each time but damn it if he wasn't right!

I can't tell you how many times we would hear this from him.  Dad, the engine hood fell down and latched with your hands caught in there, you need to go to the doctor.... WHY, I ain't sick?  I am injured and all I need is some ice and to walk it off.... remember that one folks, your father or coach would slap you on the ass and just say, c'mon son, just walk it off!

Well for the past few weeks, I have been "walking it off" and instead of ice, I have been loading up on anti-biotic!  I got so many messages from you guys when I pulled the disappearing act a few weeks back and I haven't been on here to write since.  For those of you who wrote all those amazing messages, thank you so much for your concern.  For those of you that wrote the violent hate mail style ones, I am especially sorry to you guys!  No, I won't let it happen again without letting you know why!  I hope in the time that I was gone, you took some time to check out the list of blogs that I love to read over on the right side of my page...

Some of you have somewhat of an idea of how sick I was, others not, so let me tell you now what happened and it once again lends proof to my dear departed dad's Jack Fitzlosophy!  As you guys know, I will do any thing that is asked of me if it is within my ability to do it for you and on a few occasions even when it wasn't if a friend truly needs me.  I got a call from my dear Brother Adam... he said hey man, on such and such a date, can you take me to the dentist office?  I got some real trouble going on here and I have to have it dealt with right away.  It's bad enough that they have to knock me out completely to do it!  Holy shit, of course I'll do it.  Well thank God that he called the night before because I had clean forgotten about it!  The other reminder I received the day before was from my doctor telling me that I had to be at their office at the same time.  Of course, I cancelled my appointment and took my buddy.  They treated him like a child and insisted that they meet me and talk to me about the "procedure" for picking up my friend.  For any of those who are wondering, yes, Adam listed in the space for; In case of emergency call? _________________.  He wrote Jack Shit!  They took one look at him and just shook their heads, he said "no really", call Jack Shit. 

I thought it so funny when he told me this that when we walked in to the office he said to the woman behind the desk in Adam's soft and gentle way, " this is fuckin Jack Shit, I told ya".  I leaned on the counter when I talked to them, then I touched the door handle, opened the door and left.  Be back in an hour and a half, "okay" I said.  Fourty five minutes later they call early and tell me to come get him.  I got there and they walked him out the door and he was high as a kite, out of his mind and by the look in his eyes, still anesthetized.  I grabbed on to him and along with the "gas man" walked him to my truck.  I touched all kinds of shit in that office.  Got him back to his house safe and sound and dropped him off and headed home myself.  Within 12 - 16 hours of stepping through the door of that dentist office, I began to feel a little bit of pressure up in my sinus'.  I was in the garage rubbing aluminum polish on the front wheel of the FXRS and blown away as with each wipe away of the polish I realized that the wheels were shiny, really shiny.  I thought I had gotten a headache from leaning over for a few hours and I went to bed and I slept like a baby!

At 8:15 am I rolled over and yawned big and loud and with that, it felt like someone jammed an ice pick straight up into the center of my very back upper tooth.  In an instant I shot up and out of bed....  It hurt so bad that all I can say is that imagine if you took a toothpick and opened your mouth really wide, placed it up and down between your top and bottom teeth and bit hard down and it shot straight up through the top of your mouth and right up and in to the brain!  I was walking around in fast circles in my bed room and talking to God and doing it out loud!  I have some damage in that tooth from the last time some idiots kicked me in the face.  We had eaten P.F. Changs the night before and thought that maybe a piece of rice or some super spicy chunk of food lodged in there.... I grabbed my electric tooth brush and raced to another bath room.  I didn't want the noise to wake up the lil woman!  I loaded that bitch up with tooth paste and dug in with a fury.  I was like that old janitor with the floor waxer and buffer just making endless circles around the tooth, the gums, the top of my mouth etc.  In an instant, the pain was gone.... I rinsed out my mouth and put my finger in and ran it along the gum line... in horror I thought, what the fuck was that?  It felt like part of the tooth had broken right through the side of the gums.... oh boy!  As I walked back to my bed room with zero pain or discomfort all I could say was thank you God for that quick hook up.  Wow, I really dodged a bullet with that one, whew!  I crawled back in bed and got in to spoon position with my girl and closed my eyes with deep fear wondering, why did it stop hurting?    I was awoken not 20 minutes later and for the next 9 days I would never again have to worry as to why it stopped hurting again! 

I grabbed my trusty bottle of water from my night stand and figured I will give my mouth a good "swishing"  SWEET BABY JESUS was that the incorrect answer..... as two big fat ky jelly sized tear drops rolled down my left cheek, one from the eye, past my chin and down my neck, immediately to be followed by one more.  I grabbed on to the granite on the vanity and squeezed as hard as I could muster.  It hurt so bad that I pictured myself crushing it like Graham crackers! 

As the insanity of that blinding pain subsided, I was facing the mirror and watched my eyes open wide like I had just seen the light that very moment that I heard my father's voice sound off in my head, IF YOU DON'T GO TO THE DOCTOR YOU WON'T EVER GET SICK!  I went to the dentist's office and now I have a massive tooth problem, MOTHER FUCKER!  I grabbed my trusty bottle of pain meds and like I was in Vegas at the black jack table, I doubled down!  First it hurt to lay down, so I sat up.  Then it hurt to sit up so I compromised and laid down with my head propped up.  Each would work for a few hours and the combo of the pain and the pills, I would just drift off to sleep as soon as the pain eased!  Each time the pain returned, I changed positon.  I knew that it was infected because of the way I had such pain in my sinus.  Here is a tid bit of info you may or may not know; you can not be made numb when the area is infected.  I knew what I had to do.

I grabbed my trusty bottle of long expired over the border Mexican Anti-biotic!  500 mg, hell, I better start with three of those....  I did that twice to jolt my system and then two at a time for another day and then one every six hours.  Beat the infection and ease the pain and then get it fixed.  I was a man with a plan.  I'll just keep busy.  I will go in the garage and work on the FXRS and get that bitch cleaned up.  I was after all blown away by what I found under her grease and grime.  I would do that for a while, get some pain, take a pill and then do it for a bit longer.  That lasted for the first evening and part of the next morning.  I was so completely exhausted from the walk to my garage that I couldn't hold my arms up.  Back to bed and that is where I stayed for 6 days!  I would walk to the toilet to pee and have to take a 4 hour nap from the effort!  I could not eat, I could only take little baby sips of water and each time I tilted my head back to do it my heart would race just a little bit more from the anticipation and I braced myself just in case a single drop of water made it to the other side of my mouth and hit the wide open exposed ROOT! 

Days passed and it only got worse, not better.  My wife pleaded with me to come sit out on the couch and at least let her change the sheets so I would be more comfy.  Yeah, she is a damn saint, I swear!  The thirty steps to my couch were more than I could handle and I just sat on the couch unable to open my eyes.  On the morning of the 5th day, I realized that I hadn't even so much as turned my computer on in nearly a week, it was sitting on the table right next to me and I didn't feel like I had the strength to pick up my lap top.  If Pam Anderson had come to her senses and decided to take me up on that offer I had made to her just 3 weeks before in Trader Joe's, sent me an email and said take me now, I would never have known nor did I care to.  I was in trouble and fading fast.  All the while, riding the waves of, holy shit I am so cold to wanting to pull my hair out just to cool off my head and so it went on and on until the chest pain began.  I could hear every one's voices playing back in my head of the stories they told me about uncles, cousins, parents and things they had seen on television about people dying from tooth infections or at the very least having suffered strokes from them and becoming paralyzed!  We made an appointment the next morning for the dentist, there was no waiting for the infection to subside.... I didn't care if they cut it out with a chain saw, fuck it, take them all and take them now!  That is if I could make it through the night without heading to the emergency room! 

If you don't go to the doctor, you won't ever be sick!

It just kept playing over and over in my head....by God, my father was right. 

I could tell that the dentist wanted to slap me when I told him about how I had treated myself with expired, smuggled Mexican Anti-biotic.  Hell, looking back now, I wonder if they were even for humans or if they were for chickens because that is what I was and they were not doing shit to help me!  So just yesterday, I finished the last of my Z Pak and the infection is down if not gone.  I have gotten most of my energy back and I am even able to stand long enough to package all of those I know Jack Shit shirts that you guys ordered.  Thank you again by the way for all of the orders, you guys are incredible and it seems that they are once again, A HUGE HIT with everyone who's mail brings them a little something special from their pal Jack Shit.... perhaps now you can see what the delay was in "our shipping department", the entire department had a horrible toothache!  The damn tooth is still in my head.  I am debating on telling you here now why but don't want to run the risk of this thing running on and on.  I will this about the situation though.  Upon leaving the dentist office with my NEW prescription for some NEW fresh American medicine, the nice lady behind the counter was kind enough to create a plan of treatment as I asked.  On it, it put in to columns the cost of each and every thing right down I believe to the ink used to print the fucking invoice.  The left column listed the item, the next what my cost was, the following to was what the insurance picked up, they were all blank and then the final column of what it would cost with no insurance.  This I did not understand but hey, it was half the price in the first column then it was in the last.  Luckily for me, the first column was mine.  About 3 days after leaving, I get a message on my phone as I am still incapable of speaking to anyone without coming off like a complete jerk off.  The message played and it was; hello, John?  Terry from the Tooth Fairy's office I have a bit of a problem with the estimate that I gave you.  I seem to have left out a few lab fees.  I must re neg on that offer of services.  I have the new information all ready so please give me a call.  Now it's not as good as the price I gave you that you "loved so much".  Thank you and have a nice day.  Lab fees?  Price I loved so much?  Was this bitch inhaling the nitros oxide at the office?  WTF?  So I call, give them a fax number and ask them to send it over.  Yes, the price was in fact incorrect.  Including the new code for the insurance company, the new total was double!  Yes, double the original quote.   This nice lady was only off in her quote by 100%.  Can you imagine telling your clients, oh, I'm sorry, the quote was off by a small percentage, oh that's okay,  by how much?  Oh, well, uh, you see, uhmmmm  100%!  I thought my head was going to explode.  Needless to say, the tooth or teeth or jaw bone or whatever the hell else that was giving me all the trouble, is still an original equipment installed option in my mouth!  I am just grateful that I pay all that money for insurance and it covers, wait, let me see, just doing some math here, yes, getting the total now...... NOTHING! 

So then, as your friend and some one who cares deeply for all of you, I have only one thing to say to you, take care of yourself and whatever you do,

DON'T EVER GO TO THE DOCTOR!