MY KINGDOM FOR A FART / the Chantix Diaries

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The Chantix Diaries

Day: Unknown
Night: Can't remember

I've gone from questionable pressure in my stomach and high volume, turbo farting to crushing, doubled over stomach pain and haven't had an honest fart in nearly two days!  Who would have ever imagined that I would desperately miss asshole tearing, violent farts?  Not me, I can assure you of this!  Certainly not Diane either.  If I were a conspiracy theorist, I would be leaning towards the belief that Diane put crazy glue or something in my last few meals of P.F. Changs, because immediately upon finishing a meal that usually creates a biblical bowel movement, the farting stopped, the thought of taking a good dump has become a New Year's wish and each time I stand or lift something, it feels like I'm getting a prison shank in the left side of my gut and rib cage!  The truly worrisome part of all this is that I've for the most part only been taking at best, half the dosage.

For now, I've come to grips with the wild dreams.  Normally, I have insane dreams anyway.  I don't know if it is because of things I've gone through in my life, the abuse as a child or the fact that I fall asleep with the television on that drives the madness that has happened damn near every night of my life for the last 30 years.  What I have noticed is that the type of dreams that I've had for these last 30 years have for the most part gone away and believe me when I tell you that is a welcome gift.  I no longer find myself sitting straight up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat, breathing heavy and freaking out.  Now I just have high definition, 3D dreams that feature people I've not seen or thought of in years, joining me on my wild ride so I guess in a way it's nice to see them again.  Another blessing has been that since the very first night on Chantix, I've not had to battle any more lions!  The first two nights the dreams were really intense and for the very first time in my life, I could remember every single detail of the dream, no matter how small they are or were.  Typically, within moments if not minutes, it was like I never dreamed at all.  I remember NOTHING!  Those first two nights, now what seems like months ago are long gone but I can still remember virtually every detail.  Over these past few nights, the dreams are just as interesting and often wild and when I awake, I remember what was happening prior to waking up but I have to try in the morning to remember what I was dreaming last night.  If I try hard enough, I can remember some of the details.  For the most part, I sort of miss the detailed memory of the dreams.  I am however still on only a partial dose so maybe as I up the meds, this will come back.

Since leaving the doctor with the prescription in hand and a poor outlook, I've tried cutting down on smoking so that I might have an edge going into trying the Chantix.  I'm not going to lie, after having posted up the question on FaceBook asking for people's personal experience with this medicine, I was pretty fucking scared to ever even try it and for that matter, I am still genuinely concerned about what will happen to me as I increase the dosage!  It is time for me to quit smoking one way or another and I am not a fan of failing at anything, it is not an option for me.  I've been riding out the cravings as best I can and since you can still smoke on the medicine until it builds up in your system, I still am.  The good news that I do have to report is that for nearly 30 years, I've smoked a pack a day.  Sure when I was partying or working 18 hour days I would smoke more, but there were days that I would smoke less so really I can say that I'm a pack a day smoker.  Over the last 5 days, I've smoked 2 packs of cigarettes and I seem to be smoking less and less and I'm pretty sure that the Chantix has not taken hold deeply enough in my brain to effect the smoking but it has grabbed on enough to twist my mind and stomp my guts.  So there is both good and bad going on here.  I have no choice but to accept whatever side effects come with taking this process, I'm going to beat these fucking things if I have to bash someone's skull in to do it!

They say that you need to watch for unbalanced temper, stomach pain, irritability, depression and thoughts of suicide or increased level of and or violent thoughts or actions......  I've felt myself becoming a bit more easily annoyed but it doesn't seem to last and I'll take that over the other possibility for damn sure!  Diane may beg to differ and you will have to ask her if I've been any more of a prick than usual, she is probably too afraid to answer me honestly.....  AND SHE DAMN WELL BETTER BE!  What I have noticed is that within a short time of taking the medicine, I get the most hollow feeling in my stomach as if I were starving.  They say to take the medicine with food but I really only eat once a day.  Since starting this shit, I'm insatiable hungry.  It's like I'll eat anything that comes my way.  So now I'm trying to balance the breaking of the habit of smoking and the virtual vacuum my fat ass is rapidly becoming.

I do have some reservations though and a few fears as well.  I worry most about the poor bastard who raises their voice at me, I worry about hurting the people that I love but mostly, I worry about the poor jerkoff who points a finger at me, especially if that fool points it anywhere near my face and more accurately towards my mouth as I will either try to light that shit and smoke it or bite that thing off and eat it!  Since we are on this topic of devouring things, I'm so desperate to begin farting again to relieve some of this insane pressure building inside me that I made the command decision and a very dangerous, risky one at that!  I decided to take a chance, go for broke, let the shit fall where it may, you see what I'm going for here right?  I ATE A BIG BOWL OF CHILI WITH CHEESE AND TORTILLA CHIPS!  As of the time of updating this blog, the results are not yet in.  I may pay for this decision dearly but only time will tell on that.....  all I know is that if I don't get a reasonably effective fart soon the pain will grow more intense and I could quite possibly explode!!!  Keep your fingers crossed!

At this point, it's all becoming a blur!  I want to wish you all, my friends, the happiest new year ever.  I hope and pray for much needed relief for many of us who have suffered so terribly over this past year.  I pray that ALL OF OUR TROOPS soon return home to the people who love them safe and sound and get to begin their new year with a fresh start and awake in their own home wrapped around them the arms of their loved ones.  I hope and pray that those of you, well us, that are sick get well and that those who are healthy right now won't get sick.  May the economy grow, jobs begin to flow and prosperity come to all that we know.....  yeah yeah yeah, okay, I was just throwing a little Jack Shit poetry at you right there, hope you liked it!  My biggest wish is that the long missing KARMA makes an appearance soon and delves out some much needed justice for so many!  They say Karma is a mother fucker and I surely hope it is true.

Until we see each other on the road again;

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back and
The Man Off Your ASS!

Your Friend,
Jack Shit

All Great Runs Must End!

Every day in life we are forced to make decisions, some simple and some truly epic, many of which we don't even realize we are making, they just become second nature for your mind to make them on its own.  Other decisions can be monumental and the choice you make will have tremendous effect on the lives of all those around you.  Just as they say that dropping a pebble in the ocean in Australia can cause a tsunami in Hawaii, I believe this theory.  Every thing we do, whether we like it or not has a direct effect on those that surround us.  In my 44 years I've made some of the best decisions that a human being could possibly have made and on the flip side of that coin I've made some of the worst as well.  I won't get into listing all the good and I'm sure as hell not going to list ANY of the bad!  If you know me, then you probably have a good idea of what these were and if you know me well enough, you probably had a hand in helping me to make those bad decisions!  A single choice we make 10 - 20- 30 years ago that seemed so insignificant at the time can lead to catastrophic results later on down the line.  This is why now, as I grow fatter with each passing day and not giving a great flying fuck about the next for so very long, I choose to make a decision that will hopefully bring me many "next days" for a long, long time.  I've lived my life at throttle wide open, scraping a knee in turns, balls to the wall and one foot in the grave for the better part of my life.  It seemed the more dangerous the activity, the stronger my attraction was to it.  The sole fact that there was really no way to determine exactly what the outcome of a decision would be pushed me faster towards making that decision with a devil may care attitude.  The problem with running with one foot in the grave is that eventually you slow down a bit and realize that you no longer have one foot in the grave but you've sank all the way to the knee or even mid thigh and the thrill of it all begins to take a back seat to the reality of it all and better yet, THE GRAVITY of it all.

A month or so ago, those of you who are friends with me on face book or those of you who subscribe may remember me making a post asking about Chantix and asking people to offer up their first hand experiences with it.  That post quite possibly may be the most commented on post that I've ever put up and the response was an overwhelmingly bad one at that!  The stories that I read and the comments that were posted were enough to scare the living shit out of me and I don't scare off often nor easy!  I realized that if I wanted to quit smoking I was going to have to do it on my own and I would begin by cutting down and then walking away from it all once and for all!  Well I have cut down but you know what?  That insignificant decision that I made 30 years ago when that friend said try this and I did may be coming back to haunt me.  I also realized that nicotine patches are not only expensive but a total crock of shit.....   I could have stuck them to my eyeballs and not felt a damn thing.  I also realized that I don't have the willpower that I once had and that 30 year habit was quite a bit stronger than I had ever imagined.  The funny thing is that it is not for me as much about the smoke as it is the smoking.  Does that make sense to anyone?  Get in the car, light a smoke.  Finish eating, light a smoke.  Wrap up some sweet, sweet love making, light a smoke.  Wrap up some awful love making ( my fault of course) and you guessed it, light up a smoke!!!!  The time has come and I realized that I could not do it on my own and I don't have ten years of trying to quit, quitting and then starting right back up again and repeating this shit over and over.  I HAVE TO GET A HOLD OF THIS NOW AND DO IT RIGHT and pay the price and hopefully, I won't have all the awful reactions and side effects that everyone told me about.  I filled my prescription for Chantix and today, I took my first dose!

What I decided to do was document this process and hope that it gives me strength to push through and stay clean if you will.  If I don't cut these fucking things out of my life, I may not have a life anyway!  I'm not ready to go anywhere so my decision has been made.  I just hope Diane doesn't kill me in the process.  So what I'm going to do is right here and right now create "THE CHANTIX DIARIES" and keep track of what happens to me while taking it and share it with you all and hope that maybe if it goes well for me, then it may help one of you to quit.  If it goes bad for me, I'll know just when it happened and if it goes really, really bad for me, perhaps I can at the very least use the Diaries as part of my defense!  So look forward to the one thing that you will always get from me without fail, brutal honesty!  No matter what happens, good, bad, success or failure, you will know it and you will share that shit with me!

So let's begin;

Dear Chantix Diary, someone told me that when you take YOU, there is a chance that it will upset the stomach.  Today with my first dose, which I cut in half by the way hoping to build up slowly in my system before going full on into Chantix insanity, I began to experience a bit of pressure in my belly.  As I sat on the couch, lap top open and on, I could feel a less than comfortable sensation and it would rise and fall like a roller coaster.  I had to go with Diane to our nieces town home to drop off some material for her construction that is going on that Diane could not carry herself.  While carrying in the box of tile I felt that roller coaster climbing to the top again.  Once I carried in the vanity top, I began to feel that coaster racing down hill and into its first loop!  Diane had gone up stairs to check on the bathroom.  Now understand, the place is empty except for material and tools and when I tell you there was nothing to deaden the sound I mean there was nothing to deaden the sound!  I let out what quite possibly be the most powerful, longest lasting, strangest sounding fart of my life!  Now we have a running joke around here that my farts don't smell, my feet don't smell and even after working outside in the AZ desert heat and not showering, I DON'T SMELL but God made up for it by giving me a child size penis!!!  Oh well, at least I don't stink right?  I've got that to be thankful for right?  Well let's just say I use to have that to be thankful for!  Not only in what seemed to be a split second after the actual rocket propelled fart ended and my anus began to feel like someone had jammed the neck of a broken bottle straight up my ass from my sphincter vibrating so hard did I realize that in all my life, all the food that I've eaten, all the partying that I've done, I've never in my life had a fart smell like this!!!  The smell filled the entire first floor of a town home instantly!  The place was engulfed!  It was as if the enemy had just released chemical weapons upon us!  I was both ashamed and oddly proud in that moment!  Diane came down the steps and said "holy shit, was that you or is there a dead hooker in the closet"?  I said "yes, it was me and no dead hooker in the closet, I think there is one in my ass"!  Now I have not farted again since this relationship changing fart and for that I am grateful but one has to wonder, if this was half the dosage on the very first day, only hours after taking the first dose, what the hell do I have in store for me?

So that was it, my first Chantix Diary post.  I don't know what making this decision will bring to me or what effect it will have but whatever it will be, it will be right here on this silly friggin blog!  The reason that I used the photo at the top of this post was because I'm hoping it will be the last drawing, photo or video ever taken of me with a smoke in my hand!  Wish me luck!  Thank you Ms. Pinky Pancake from Sacred Skin Tattoo for the drawing, I love it!

Until we see each other on the road again;

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back and
The Man Off Your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit