I blame it on the WEED!

This blog has been changed from its original posting.  A photo was added as well as an additional paragraph in red.  Thanks!

Hey everyone! I trust all is well for you fine folks that take the time from your lives to share in what is going on in mine.  I've been busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!  I was going to say busier than a One Legged Blonde (my friend Cat) but she is by far much more busy than I, so it really would not have worked there!  I don't know where the time goes and wish that I could grab some of it back and change history, but sadly, I can't, none of us can.  I've gotten all of your messages asking where the hell I was and if Diane and I were okay and just to let you know, we are well and I thank you for them.  It truly does humble me that we have grown in to part of your lives.  Again, thank you.  There were several reasons behind my most recent hiatus from the world wide web and my most recent disappearing act.  The biggest obstacle that I ran in to was that I let my property go to hell!  Those of you who have followed me or this blog for any length of time know that I love to garden and landscape.  It helps take me away from drama or trouble and I clear the cob webs from my mind.  Well I guess the cob webs really got thick because for the longest time, I ignored the property all together.  Whenever I would go outside or see it through the window, I would say to myself, "you better get right on that tomorrow"!  The next day would come and I would have done nothing and this went on for some time!  Finally, I had no choice but to get at it.  The front of my home began to look like a foreclosure and the weeds in the back yard had managed to become chest high!  I've been at them now for a few hours a day for the last 8 or 9 days, maybe even longer, I can't even remember now.

I've also been getting ready, working on Daytona Bike Week and I've been blessed once again to be part of the team over at Jay Allen's, World Famous, Broken Spoke Saloon and I am pumped about it!  It's been far too long since I've seen a great many of you and I think that is what I look forward to most with each of these rallies that I am lucky enough to be part of.  For those of you who are heading to Daytona Bike Week, I can't wait to see you, so make sure you stop on in at the Spoke to say hello.  We've got a Shit Ton planned for you and yes, a Shit Ton, is an actual measurement!  Here is a quick run down of what we have going on, there is so much more and with each day that gets closer to rally time, I will keep you posted and up to date, so then, I'll see you at the Spoke!

Not only do we have great live music and performances, bike shows and builders, actually building live on property as well as hosting a ride to benefit the Wounded Warriors,  but we have something really special planned for you all.  The Spoke will be hosting the one and only, Miss G String International Contest.  This as I understand is something that you don't want to miss and it is going to be an amazing night!

As I was getting my shit together and getting my fat ass ready and in to rally mode, I got a phone call from the one and only Chris Callen of Cycle Source Magazine and was given an amazing opportunity.  I was tasked with writing the "story of" the mag for the 15th anniversary issue!  This was not only to me a great honor but the biggest piece I've ever written in my life.  The real kicker was that this opportunity had been given to me on Wednesday or Thursday, looking back I can't even recall now and the story had to be written, proofed and to ready to be laid out for print by Monday!  The story of writing the story, took on its own life and became its own story.  Watch for that in and of itself on the Cycle Source Magazine's World Report!  I worked until 4 or 5 am each and every day on that story and I believe it is one of my favorite tales I've ever told.  I'm really proud of it!  That issue, the very special 15th anniversary, the biggest issue ever put out by The Source has just now hit the news stands so go on out and grab one while you can!  I look forward to hearing your feedback on it!  That right there ate up days upon days of my life.

 I found out after I posted this original blog last night that the Mag is at its last stop before making it to the news stands.  Those of you who have subscriptions already have their hot little hands on it, for those of you who don't, why not subscribe and you won't have to worry about waiting for it!  Just a thought?

Right after I return from Florida and the Daytona Rally, I catch a few days to rest up and repeat the entire scenario all over again at a different venue!  As you guys know, my home at AZ Bike Week is the one and only Dirty Dogg Saloon up in Scottsdale and I'm honored that they have chosen to have me back!  Thanks to all at the Dogg who never hesitate to make me feel like I am part of the Dogg Family!  When I finally did break "radio silence" and turn my damn computer back on, one of the very first things I saw was this ad for AZ Bike Week and I laughed my ass off!  Each time I see this, I just can't help but smile!

We've had a dear friend in town from Milwaukee to close on what can only be described as "A DREAM HOME" and that was in Diane's exact words, "the hardest deal I've ever been involved in"!  It seems that no matter how well you are positioned, how great your credit or how much you are putting down, banks these days will do anything that they can to NOT GIVE LOANS!  Diane has been in Real Estate now for 15 years which means that I too have been in Real Estate for 15 years by association and I have never seen anything like this!  Too bad for the bank, every hoop that we were asked to jump through, whether they be on fire or tiny lil hoops, we jumped through them!  The deal on this home so amazing, you would almost begin to think that they hoped it would fall through so that someone on that end could grab it up for themselves!  No matter what though, in the end, the home closed, our friend's trip was not a waste and every single day that she has been here, we've all worked our asses off to make happen and know that when she leaves, everything will be either done or ready to be done and the next time they fly in, they will have a spectacular, finished home to chill out in!  At 11pm last night, I stood on the roof top patio of this home and witnessed the most incredible city light views I've ever seen!  We are so happy for them!  I wish you all many happy years and glorious memories in this home!

So the T' Shirt order has been placed and will be in hand by Wednesday for both rallies.  If you have shirts ordered that were not in stock, they will ship before I leave for Florida.  The last two weeks or so have been a non stop run of hard work and persistence and it is all beginning to pay off.  The house looks a lot less like a foreclosure, we can have guests back again without being afraid that they would be bitten by a snake in the back yard, we've done a few good deeds, spent some time with friends old and new, took one afternoon off and rode the hell out of the bike, got an incredible review of the story that I wrote by the very person that I wrote it for and now I get to do what I love more than anything in the world and that is to entertain people and bring some Smiles Across The Miles!  I know a whole bunch of you have sent messages and I am slowly but surely working my way through them.  As I said in a face book post yesterday, if you sent me something of importance or that is time sensitive, please send it again.  I'll try to get them all opened and answered before I leave for Florida.  So now if you still have questions as to why and where I disappeared to for a week, I BLAME IT ON THE WEEDS!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ASS!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

The Finish Line Is In Sight!

Well howdy ho folks!  I know, I know... it's been a while since I've posted.  I've been busting my ass!  There's been quite a bit going on in the Shit family's life!  Of all the things I write about and all the crazy ass shit that I post, it makes me laugh that the renovation of the investment property has garnered so very much interest.  I guess so many of us have projects going on at home or investment homes or maybe some people just love to see something so ugly, beat down broke and used up, get a fresh start at a new life.  I can see how even though this is a home, it is inspiring to think that even when something "or someone" is at it's worst, there is a chance to once again get a new beginning. 

So here is where we are at with the Phoenix house.  The kitchen is done!  The bathrooms are done!  The flooring is done!  The paint is done! 

We built an island and covered everything in granite.  It was a bit more in the cost but as you can see the payoff is there.  The kitchen is really shaping up at this point.  We did some hunting and found appliances that came in a new home and were used 3 or 4 times and swapped for stainless.  We got a great deal on those bad boys so we jumped at it. 

The focus has moved to the outside and giving this sexy ol' girl a fresh makeover!  Since the home was foreclosed, the bank turned off all the utilities, water included and that killed off all the grass and plants.  So we were left with a green pool and weeds out the ass and nothing but dead plants.  Luckily, two of the palm trees have been there so long that they survived.  I was all ready to get to work on the back yard and we finally had the last of the garbage removed from the patio.  We had knocked down all the walls on the four season room.  We had planned on painting or staining the concrete but there had been so many additions and patches there was no way on earth to make it look even half way decent so we went with the next best option, COVER THAT SHIT UP!  A little outdoor fake grass on the patio and wallah! 

It's coming in to our "rainy season" here in the Valley of the Sun and with the rain comes the weeds.  The last thing that I wanted to do was landscape and stone the entire property only to have big clumps of grass and weeds pop up every where.  Once that happens, it is a giant pain in the ass to maintain and get rid of that shit.  I bit the bullet and for the first time ever, shot for the extra cashola and went and bought weed fabric!  You never realize how desperately out of shape you are until you spend two days bent over hammering metal staples in to rock hard AZ ground!  The backs of my thighs feel like I've been caned!  Who would have thought that it would hurt to try and sit down.... then worse to try and get off the damn couch!  My knee is so busted up and after having a whole bunch of surgery on it, kneeling was not an option, so, I had to choose the "new inmate" position to get the work done! 

225 metal staples later and the fabric is down!  I got the best "napalm" that I could buy to try and nuke the weeds that have grown through the patio and hit from two fronts.  I went full on at them with the weed whacker, the shovel and even a damn screw driver in some places.  I rebuilt the irrigation system in the front of the house and turned it from lawn sprinklers in to a low water usage drip system.  What a giant pain in the ass to dig in this ground, but I got it done.  For me, there is not even the start of the feeling like we are getting to the end or that victory is in sight until I get the first plants in the ground.  I would not leave that house today until I got at least one plant in!  I ended up getting five installed but what a massive pain in the scrotum!  The ground was so hard in one spot that it actually bent my pick axe!  How the hell do you bend a pick axe? 

I know right now you are thinking, "damn, Jack Shit has one hell of a nice wheel barrow"!  You would be right.  Notice the aluminum rim and the "flat free" tire I'm running?  Hell to the yeah!  So now tomorrow will bring a whole bunch of hole diggin, lots of planting and most assuredly, lots and lots of cactus stuck in my fingers but it is the price one must pay for greatness! 

I love taking old "crack houses" that nobody would ever want to live in and turning them in to beautiful homes where people can raise a family and make memories that will last a life time!  I'll keep you posted when I'm done, we are finally in the home stretch now!  Again, thank you so much for even being interested in this shit.

Remember, like I've said before, if you are looking for a house in AZ either to live in or as an investment, my girl Diane is hands down, the greatest realtor that I have ever seen.  Please, don't hesitate to ask any questions no matter how silly you think they may be.  Like I said, you are not being a pain in the ass, we love real estate and we love to help people!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Starting to polish up our little Gem

On the 15th I believe, I posted up about a property that we are deeply involved in the purchase, renovation and hopefully soon, the re sale of.  I was blown away by how much interest you guys showed in it.  In that original post I told you all that I would keep you up to date on the progress of the property and show you what a little bit of imagination, elbow grease and a hammer can do with an old foreclosed home.  Today we took a trip up to the doctor and stopped by the property to check up on how it was coming along.  Right now about 80% of the demolition is complete and the prep work is being done to prepare for finish materials.  Not only has the home taken on a drastic appearance change from the curb but once through the door it has become unrecognizable from its former self!  Well, here, check it out.

Here is a shot of what the exterior looked like when first acquired.

The exterior was refinished with masonry product and is now stucco which

is traditional here in Arizona and will be painted earth tone.

Over the years it seems that the kitchen more or less grew with the family.  There was no real thought that went in to it it seems.  A cabinet was added here and there and there was a built in "china cabinet" that must have been hard to move so they literally built around it.  Very strange!  There was tile in some spots, carpet in others and spots where three different types of tile met up with no real transition, they just came together.
Take a look at this shit!

When you entered the home and looked towards the kitchen this was how it appeared.  By this time we had already chopped up all or most of the flooring.  You can see the smoke rising from Diane's brain working over time.  This was the moment she decided that "THIS KITCHEN MUST GO"!

.....and here is the very same shot and how it appeared today!  One hell of a big difference isn't it?  Don't worry, that crazy oak railing is not going in the kitchen but rather it is replacing the shit ass home made rail outside on the small front patio and entry. 

Here was a view looking from the kitchen towards the front door.  It truly is night and day!

Once Diane gets on that job site and begins cracking that whip, work finally gets done!  She paces like a lioness and the workers suddenly become like gazelles.  Suddenly, siesta time is over!  Check out the difference now!

All of the flooring in the main living area has been removed, the cabinets, the appliances, that old china cabinet and even the walls have been taken down.  I can't wait to see the design that she has for the new kitchen.  She is amazing in her vision for these properties.  Let me show you another view of what this mish mosh of a kitchen had grown in to, it was truly horrible.  Just look at how they built around the cabinet!

.... and take a look at the very same space now with the cabinets out and the walls removed.

In Arizona, they say that the biggest room in your home is your back yard!  We average around 350 days of sunshine here per year.  The old saying here is 9 months of heaven for 3 months of HELL!  Those 3 months are our summer and all you need is some A/C in the house and a pool in the yard and life don't get any better.  The bigger the back patio, the happier the family!  This home had an average sized screened in patio with a few makeshift windows and a swamp cooler.  Over the years, walls were built and small prison cell like rooms were added along the back of the home.  What the hell is the sense in having a big beautiful back yard with a pool and a hot tub and you can't even see the damn things?  I made the command decision that the patio bar would stay!  ARE YOU SHOCKED?  But I also made the decision that the entire back of the home would come off!  This home was going to have one big, beautiful patio for the new owners to enjoy!  Here is what it looked like when we got this joint!

As of today, this has all come down!  The exterior walls have been removed, the windows and screen are gone for good.  No more prison cell!  As I said, of course the bar had to stay but the rest is history.  What was a 16' patio is now about 36' and it will all be open right to the pool and spa!

As you can see, THE BAR HAS REMAINED!  How can you enjoy your backyard without a place to make margaritas?  Once again, Diane obviously rocking her construction pumps is cracking the whip again!  As far as the rest of the property goes, the bathrooms will be gutted and those silly one piece shower stalls will be pulled out and the showers will be all done in tile.  Every nail hole will be filled, every single flaw in the will be made perfect and new flooring will be installed throughout.  The home also features a two car garage that was converted years ago in to one huge family room.  The only problem was that the room was so dark and so dreary.  In the middle sat a wood burning stove which will soon find its new home on MY PATIO.  There is a big ass closet that will be ripped out we've converted a room that I have no idea the original purpose that it served in to a huge pantry and laundry room.  First things first though, we had to make that room more inviting and get some natural light in it so we blew out the center of the front wall and framed in a big ass window.

This was how it looked before with all of the lights on and the camera flash going off!

There is nothing like adding natural light to a once dark and miserable space! 

Yes, that is the stove that will be going out on my back patio.  I have a separate patio all lined

up for this bad boy to be placed!  Can ya feel the romance?

So now you guys know a little bit more about what we do with our time when we are not riding those crazy murder sickles around the country and I'm not on stage entertaining or sitting on the ol' lap top and writing crazy shit for you all to read!  For those of you who did not see the previous piece about the story of this home, how we came about our involvement with it and so on, than I'll hit you with a brief recap.  My amazing wife, Diane is hands down, the very best realtor that I have ever seen!  She is so good that nearly every client that she has ever gotten a home for has referred their family and friends back to Diane to purchase their own home.  With the real estate market being so volatile these days and with all of the foreclosed properties, you need a very knowledgeable agent on your side and as I said before, SHE IS THE BEST I'VE EVER SEEN!  Back in the day, we use to find investment properties for friends and clients and turned them all in to real estate moguls before we began doing it for ourselves as well.  So flipping homes is in our DNA!  These days, Diane's client base is nearly all investors and most of those fine folks are coming down from Canada because their market is still exceptional up there and they are buying down here in Arizona.  We've made so many Canadian friends now and have done so much business with them over the last few years that we are practically honorary Canadians.  Now if they would just let me cross the damn border we could actually go and visit them too!

So as I promised, I'll keep you up to date on the progress of this property, as crazy as it seems right now, we are not really all that far from finishing this home.  I can guarantee one thing, this home will be beautiful when we are done and a lucky family is going to have a great place to call their own and either raise a family or have one hell of a vacation house!  So if you are interested in finding out more about the insane deals that are going on down here, please don't think twice about hitting Diane or myself up with those questions.  As much as I love to make people laugh and smile, Diane loves to find people homes of their very !  If not for you and you know someone else who is thinking about something like this, have them reach out to us.  THE ONLY STUPID QUESTION IS ONE THAT IS NOT ASKED!

Until we see each other on the road again,

Keep the wind in your face,

Tits in your back

and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,

Jack Shit