ever wonder what it would be like to win a 46' Knucklehead?

Since we are having a themed night here at Jack Shit's World and that theme being raffles and giveaways, I thought you fine folks might want to know what it feels like to win a 1946 Harley Davidson Knucklehead! I captured this at Born Free 3 last weekend! The truly crazy part is that I had not purchased a ticket yet as the drum roll was being played, my insides curled up and began grumbling! I could feel the anticipation growing and I was crazy nervous! Again, I had no tickets! I can only imagine the feeling of those who did! The tickets were 25 bucks a piece and the winner............ ah hell, you can see it all here! Congrats to both the winner of the Knuck and the fine people who put on Born Free 3 because it was truly a stellar event! Next year, if the event continues, it should grow to a multi day event, it was far too incredible to take it all in over a period of only a few hours!

Until we see each other again,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

The Shit you've been dying to see!

So here you go folks, this is the moment so many of you have been waiting to see and the answer you have been waiting to hear! I want to thank the one and only Chopper Doll for being such a generous soul and having such a huge heart. None of this would have been possible without her and we will never forget the kindness that she has shown us! Visit www.lolasboutique2u.com and check out the amazing bracelets she creates! Thank you all for being part of this..... are you the winner? Someone is! Watch the video and find out, you just may be the new owner of some gorgeous bracelets!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,

Jack Shit

Born Free 3 final words!

After an incident free ride out to California with good friends to share some more miles with even more friends all good things must come to an end. There is a fantastic story to be told here and unfortunately you are going to have to wait a little bit longer for that one! That story you will be able to find either on the Cycle Source Magazine Blog or in an upcoming feature for the magazine itself, that has yet to be determined! But what I can share with you guys, my loyal readers, new followers of Jack Shit's World who have just stumbled by accident in to my world and for those I ride and share my life with is this culmination and these final words!

We broke down camp, racked and stacked our murder sickles and tried to suck down the last of the Jack Daniels that we could manage to choke down before breakfast and were about to make a run for the border! Okay, not really the border but sort of! We decided that there was no way on earth that any of us would survive the 118 to 125 degree day time temps of the desert on the ride home, so we would pack up, run the PCH (Pacific Coast Hwy) and then head on down to Chicago Will's joint for the "official" after party and bbq! We would split out around 6 or 7 and make the mad dash at the 400 mile trip back home! Before we left Irvine Lake Campground, I had to capture a bit of video and share my final thoughts on Born Free 3. I have to thank our dear friend, Mr. Keith Cole, the King of the FXR for all the work he did to get us the only two campsites left for miles and miles around and they could not have been any better! Mr. Cole, you are nothing but class sir and we are all lucky to have you around!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Today I lost a friend and our community lost a LEGEND!

It breaks my heart to announce to you guys, my friends, that this morning our community lost a legend!  Early this morning, my friend, Million Miles Squire lost his ongoing battle with cancer!  He was being cared for in California by some incredible friends, but it was time for him to make the journey back to Detroit where he was from.  He had to make one stop on the way and that was here in AZ.  Upon his arrival, as he sat down to rest, his exact words were, I'M HOME!  Not long after, he truly was taken home! 

Miles, the nickname he was given by none other than Willie G himself, lived the life that many of us could only dream of, he rode his motorcycle and that is all he did!  I may not be correct on this but as I understand it, it is my belief that Miles had the most documented miles ever ridden on a Harley Davidson and I believe it was somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 million!  Can you imagine that?  2 million documented miles.  Imagine how many were undocumented?  Now he will ride on throughout eternity with smooth roads, clear skies and along side all of our brothers and sisters who we have lost before!  LONG MAY YOU RUN BROTHER SQUIRE!

As of right now, no further details are available to share.  I would like to ask you guys, my friends, if you have a photo of you and Squire, please forward it to me.  As I learn more, I will share it with you all.

In the meantime, please live each day to the very best that it can be lived, love the ones that love you back even harder, cherish the good you have and try to forgive those that have wronged you in the past if you can, life is far too short not to enjoy ever moment that you can and there is far too much weight on your shoulders to carry around a grudge, eventually, it WILL break your back.  LIVE LIKE THERE MAY BE NO TOMORROW because one day, there won't be!

With regard to my life, we all must live with the decisions that we make.  A few weeks ago, as you all know, I went out to California to attend the Affliction art show and go to Rip's BAD ride, the reason I was going was because Squire called me and asked me to come.  I wanted so desperately to sit down with him and ask him all of those questions that no one ever asked him because I knew that he was sick and that cancer was a monster.  At the location where Rip's was held, there is absolutely no phone signal and unknown to me, Squire was in the hospital again and was calling and calling and calling me!  I had no choice but to return home and it wasn't until I was in Palm Springs on the ride home that I heard all of the messages that he left for me.  I knew that soon he would be back in AZ. and I would sit down with him there and I made the decision to continue on home.  I will have to live with that decision forever now and as I sit here, I deeply regret it!  Sometimes, there is no tomorrow!

Million Miles Squire, you were the only one of your kind and the void that you leave will be impossible to fill!  As you cross through the pearly gates, know that you were loved and respected and that is all any of us could ever ask for!  Ride On Man


Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

You can't ride those bikes!

I'm so fucking sick and tired of hearing people use these very words, "well it looks nice but you can't ride those god damned bikes anywhere"! You can't ride a rigid anywhere, that is why they call them "bar hoppers". I call bullshit! I have a rigid Knucklehead and I ride it anywhere I can. It's a damn near bone stock bike with a few exceptions! Back in the day there were no bikes with "suspension" and people got on them and rode them from sea to shining sea in search of the American Dream or living the American Dream of freedom. There are a great many who jumped on the rigid chop "wave" and many of them don't ride those bikes all that far. They show up at bike nights or the local bar with a bit of an attitude and mock the guy on the street glide for not being as hard core as they are. Then you have guys like you see at the beginning of this video who ride these bad ass "long bikes" everywhere. I witnessed Robert "Pinner" Hernandez ride this bike like he had been riding it for 30 years! Splitting lanes at 40 mph and tearing ass through southern California like he owned it! Big deal right? Who in southern Cali. doesn't have a rigid? The thing is, he rode this bike from Phoenix, Arizona to get to southern Cali. to do it! The bike itself is a work of art! This spectacular Panhead is rocking a 37" over Spartan Frameworks Girder that is truly a work of art! Although this video is short because the 405 could possibly be the worst road I have ever ridden a bike on, check out what it is you see here. Our little group of hooligans are tearing ass on a knucklehead, panhead, shovelhead, evo and twin cam. All we were missing was a flat head! Take a quick look at the blue fxr that comes rolling up behind the two long bikes, it is the only bike like it on earth. Both of these bikes will be featured in up coming issues of Cycle Source Magazine and they both deserve all of the accolades they receive. Even though these two bikes are truly worlds apart in their styling, they are not in their construction or the genius behind either build. I have so much to share with you fine folks, my friends in the upcoming days, regarding this trip that I need to take a bit of time to figure out how to share it all and where and when to publish it! Until I can figure it all out, I hope you enjoy this quick video of spectacular bikes being ridden by the greatest brothers any one could ever ask to share a lane with, or in this case, TO SPLIT A LANE WITH! For the record, this video was not shot from the drivers seat of a car, but rather the saddle of a scoot! Because it was the worst road I have ever ridden and thought I was going to die, the video is so short!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Battles have been won and the end of the war is near!

 When we started this shit I didn't quite no what to expect.  Like most companies in Arizona, we were given lots of promises and I just waited for them to be broken.  They didn't live up to the horror level set forth by nearly every contractor that we have met in the last 6 years but they did manage to piss us off a few times. 

When it came time to chop the pool up, the crew showed up and it seemed like they did it in no time at all.  These guys were working like animals chipping and chopping.  Once it was all done, they then formed the steel and oddly enough, took everything that they chopped up and dumped it back in to the pool!  Then they disappeared!  This was to be expected.

As it turns out, I guess we had to wait until they chopped up two more pools so that they could dump that shit in ours as well!  Seems that we had stuff dumped in our pool from all over the valley.  I guess it was cheaper than dirt and sure as hell cheaper than concrete.  After a few days, our crew showed back up and poured some concrete that I swear, if I were shitfaced drunk and had never done it before could do a nicer job!  I had a knot in my stomach thinking that we picked the wrong company for sure!  I got photos sent to me while I was on the Cali. trip and even on my droid it looked like shit!  I got home and Diane told me that they would be here at 6 in the morning to plaster.  I laughed and said that there is no way on earth they would show up on time.  I was right, they showed up early!

I was blown away at how well this pool was coming out and with the quality of the craftsmanship that this company was bringing to the table.  I was also dumbfounded that something was going our way, I'm not used to that at all!  Everything that was outside our house was covered in an 1/8 inch of concrete dust and it was time to start cleaning up.  What is the sense of having a nice pool if you can't even sit down next to it without being covered in shit?  This should be our last MAJOR project at the house.  We've been here a year and a half now and it has taken twice as long to do the work and 3 times the projected budget, but if you've ever done any renovations, you already know how that works out!  I was now motivated as I had not been to get back to work on the yard.  The weeds near the orange tree were damn near head height or higher, there are piles of construction material all over the yard and debris from doing the new roof was every where.  It was time to roll up my sleeves and dig in.  In typical Jack Shit fashion, I never get motivated to work outside until it is over 105 degrees and this was no different.

It made no sense to start the clean up, only to make a bigger mess so I ran down to Charlie the Nomad's house and grabbed up his sawzall and did what we had discussed doing from the first time we ever even looked at the house.  I began to cut down the iron fencing around the pool and once I was at it, there was no turning back.  I cut away the iron but I have left the brick, FOR NOW!  Once I had gotten the iron down I was relieved that I had made the right choice!  Knowing that I didn't screw up for once, fueled my fire to keep going and try to make the back yard as happening as possible!  Each day, or rather after each long ass day out in the sun, I had a little more to show for my labor and was happy that it was paying off.

You can see off in the back just how bad the weeds were.  If you look closely, you can see something sticking up through the top, it's a high backed lawn chair, yeah I know, they were bad.  I set out to kick this yard ass!  Things were going so well with the pool I had to make the rest of the property look as nice.  So each day, I break my ass in the yard and Diane lays out on the chairs that I lovingly placed around and swims or floats in the pool.

In Diane's defense though, she does every now and again yell from her raft, "honey, why don't you come in the pool too"?  Because someone has to clean this place up, that's why!  By the third day, I had won a few of the battles and it was looking like the back yard war was going to be won by the Shit family!  The pool area started to really shape up as well as the surrounding area.

Now on to the battle of the weeds!  I got my weed whacker out, put on my sun glasses and actually put on work boots.  I have had a few close calls while weed whacking in flip flops!  I fired it up and headed on in to the valley of the weeds.  For about 3 minutes and all it did was keep breaking the cutting line!  These are some tough weeds!  Perhaps I should have cut them down before the stalks got so damn thick...  I was going to have to break out the heavy weaponry and go with the lawn mower.  The only problem was that some weeds were 6 feet high and as soon as you pushed the mower in to them, the mower wanted to stall out.  I must have been some sight to see.  I would bend all the way over with the handle of the mower virtually on the ground and the spinning blades spinning and hacking away like a drug crazed Samurai!  It was a huge pain in the ass and hurt like hell, but I was making progress!

I had won the weed beatdown and was feeling pretty damn good.  Then I remembered the other half of the yard was not only filled with weeds but all kinds of other shit!  Furniture, concrete fountains, pipes and a massive bar b que and bar were all still in my way.  With what little energy I had left and with my legs bleeding a slow death of a thousand cuts, I mustered up the balls to attempt the other side.  What was I going to do with all of this shit?

That bar from hell right there took 7 of us to lift up on to a lift gate of a big ass truck and the damn thing nearly snapped it off!  Brother Adam and I moved it about 45 feet across the yard at the Mountain house by ourselves but we snapped a steel hand trucks base plate clean in half and at that point we gave up and the following day I hired 5 more guys to help us!  The above photo does not do it justice, each piece is 11 feet long and nearly 7 feet wide.  At the last house we had to build a 15 foot circular concrete pad to place them and then realized that was just for the island, the bar stools didn't fit!  This thing has been the albatross of my life and the bane of my existence since we moved to AZ.  I would have thrown it out if it wasn't 15 grand!  Now half of it sits in my garage and the rest sits where the 7 of us were able to get it.  It has not moved in 18 months and won't move anytime soon.  Unless I throw a pool party and invite YOU GUYS over.  If I do, beware and bring a bathing suit and your work boots and gloves!  I got the whole yard cleaned up as darkness fell.  I was so shot out that the very last thing on earth I wanted to do was go near the pool or yard.  I had to go out and scrub the side of the pool so that the plaster continues to cure or some shit, who knows, I just do as instructed.  While doing that I could not help but to look around at what I had accomplished in 4 days and it felt pretty good.  I put down my pool brush and grabbed the camera and took these last shots.  Now, I can't wait to come back from a long ride in the blazing AZ sun and have this to come home to and yes, you my friends are always welcome at the Shit Family Resort and Spa!

So now, all we have to do is find a place to move the bar, hook it up and fill that fucker with liquor and it is party time at the SHIT FAMILY RESORT AND SPA.  I will keep you fine folks posted when the date is set for a party.  It seems that with each pic I post, I am asked repeatedly, when should we come over?  Believe me folks, once I know, you will know as well!  I will tell you this in advance so that there is never a mistake, I have only one rule when it comes to the pool.  IF YOU THROW SOME ONE IN, I THROW YOUR ASS OUT!  I don't fuck around by pools, I have seen far too many people hurt because of this stupid shit and it don't fly at the Shit House!

Until we see each other on the road or at the Shit Family Resort,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

The Shit Family Resort and Day Spa

I've been getting quite a few messages about not writing and sharing new shit with my friends for the last few days. They say when you live in Arizona, your back yard is the biggest room in your house. If that holds true then the biggest room in my house is a total shit hole! It seems that when your home is 93.5 % renovated, there are always "piles" of projects laying around. A stack of old doors here, two saw horses in another area with molding and door jams stacked up on them, my bbq island that was taken from my last house in another corner of the property, a big concrete fountain that is in 3 pieces leaning up against a tree and weeds near my orange tree that are no bullshit, as tall as me.... Every now and again, the back yard is sort of cleaned up and it looks great and we enjoy it. With the roof being done, the fascia board being replaced and painted, the only siding on the house being being torn off and replaced and everything covered in concrete dust from having the pool jack till it looked like the dark side of the moon, I guess I let it go a bit too far? So for the last few days, I have been in a showdown with the back yard. Hell, I'm feeling so good about it again, I may even turn the lawn sprinklers on. So the pool is nearly finished and I took down some of the iron fence and the gate around the perimeter of the pool. I am torn between leaving the brick columns and "mini me" wall around the base. I have also toyed with the idea of cutting an opening in them to make a walkway through, take them down altogether or leave them be just as they are. I guess time will tell. I'll keep those of you who are interested and ask me about this shit up to date on my progress. For those of you who just want me to post up half naked girl pics or chopper pics, sorry, but I'll get those to you again soon enough!

I just heard that there was another earthquake in Christ Church, New Zealand, I sure hope I heard wrong. If I am not wrong, we all need to hope and pray that nobody was hurt too bad or God forbid killed. It truly seems to me that the world is off its rocker, so to speak. I guess I'll just keep working on the yard and we will have one hell of a "kiss our asses goodbye" party in December of 2012! As a matter of fact, just in case the world really does end, I AM GOING TO BUY ALL THE PARTY SUPPLIES ON CREDIT! Everyone have a great Wednesday!


Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Chopper build progress

So that is it!  This is as far as we have gotten so far but we have big hopes, dreams and plans!  Can you picture it now?  Hell yeah, I can see her tearing down the street on this bad bitch right now!  Funny thing is that I said "how far we have gotten", shit, I didn't even have anything to do with this!  Brother Adam walked outside with a bug up his ass and a sawzall in his hand and this is what we ended up with!  That was yesterday, can't wait to see what tomorrow brings...  Do you want to see more pics?  Well so do I but this is all we have!  I can tell you this though, I can guarantee that it will be cool as hell!  You guys have a great night, a great week and I wish only nothing but good for each of you.

It's shot night and I am going to check on my girl.  I am absolutely exhausted from breaking my ass in the back yard trying to get the pool up and running and making it seem as if humans live in our home and not billy goats!  I am kind of proud that the weeds over near the orange tree are as tall as I am.  Do you have any idea the amount of neglect it takes to get weeds that high?  NO?  I'll tell you then, a shit ton!  That is an actual measurement by the way!

The pool is coming along really well and the poolside area is really looking sick!  It is nearly ready and up to bad porn movie standards so I am pleased with that!  Quite a few of you guys have asked to see pics of the progress so I'll shoot some tomorrow and post em up.  Yeah, yeah, I know, this is neither biker nor comedy related so what the hell am I doing?  Hey, I told you that I was tired!

I was in a really great mood tonight with all that I accomplished and then I got taken to a really strange place.  I had gotten a friend request either today or last night from a woman in Australia, names are not needed here because her story has broken my heart.  Her son was murdered at 33 years old last year and the body was hidden in a shallow grave.  It took a long time to find the criminals, yes more than one who did it and in that time, the stress has given this poor woman multiple heart attacks.  She has two other children who are horribly ill as well.  She sent me a message and told me that she desperately needed to laugh or smile at the very least.  I know only one thing!  I was not able to do it!  I spoke to her from the depths of my soul and my heart, but what can you say to someone who has suffered so much and continues to do so each and every single day.  To add insult to injury, she has to go and see these fucks in court each time.  I can't begin to imagine having to live through this.  Worse yet, I would feel tortured as she does by not being able to get my hands on the people responsible for this horrible murder!  I can't imagine being able to see the people who are responsible for killing my child and be only feet away and not be able to get my hands around their throats!  I ONLY WISH THAT I COULD HAVE MADE HER SMILE!

So now it's off to bed and tonight as I pray that Diane does not have a horrible reaction to her medicine, I will add my new friend to that list of prayers and pray that she can find some relief, some easing of her pain and that some type of vengeance is granted her!  For each of us, I can only wish that none of us ever have to feel this type or level of pain!  I believe that the Universe puts people in our paths for a reason, now the question is why has this person been put in my path and what can I do to help ease her pain?

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

IT'S PRETTY DAMN GOOD!

Yes that is my pool!  I can't believe that it is now filling with water.  Another thing that I can't believe is that I am about to say it's been a pretty damn good day!  Very rarely do I ever find myself saying that any more it seems.  You know what?  It feels pretty damn good to say!  On the flip side of the coin, it feels pretty damn strange to say as well!  It was hard to come up with the scratch to get this thing fixed up and done right, but the thought of having Diane spend another summer in Phoenix without being able to cool her body down in the pool was too much for me to cope with!  We pulled off some magic and scraped together the money over time and like I said, that shit is slowly filling up!  They did a real nice job on it too I might add!

So now my day is going pretty damn good so far and that usually means that some one or some thing is about to come along and fuck it all up, but good!  Almost as if my thoughts had the power to make things happen, at the very moment that I finished the above thought, I heard the door bell ring.  Oh shit!  If it is any body that we know, then they know enough to more or less just walk right in!  The only people who ring my doorbell are the Sheriff's Department or Court Officer coming to serve me with something or the Mail Man bringing me another envelope filled with horrible news!  I could feel the enthusiasm quickly draining as I walked towards the door to answer it!  I first peeked around the corner to make sure that there was not a PRISONER TRANSPORT UNIT or Police Car parked in front of the house, there WAS NOT!  I walked over to the door and put my eye up to the peep hole and sure as shit, standing on the other side was the damn Mail Man!  I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!  My day is about to be ruined!  Then I remembered, I am waiting on a package, it was supposed to be here yesterday, maybe this is good news!  I opened the door and the first thing the Mail Man said was, sorry about this!  OH SHIT!  What he meant was sorry about getting the dogs all worked up, not sorry for what he was about to deliver.  IT WAS MY PACKAGE!  I said "thanks man" and ran in the house like a pack rat who just found something really shiny for my nest!  I grabbed a knife from the kitchen drawer and cut that bitch open.  What caught my interest immediately was that what I was expecting could have been put in a really tiny box and this one was a pretty damn good size!  I have to tell you that my face lit up when I pulled open the top!  Not only was it what I expected, but it was so much more.... SO NOW, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WAS IN THE BOX?  I bet you do!  Well, your old pal Jack Shit is about to not only tell ya, but is about to show you!  I'll give you a hint, the name on the return address was K.Y.O.D.T.!  You guys know what that is?  KILL YOURSELF OR DIE TRYING! 
Here are the first things I found when I opened up the box!

The very first thing I found were five bad ass drink coozies!  On a side note, who invented these damn things and why in the holy hell fire fuck would they be called COOZIES?  I have heard of vaginas being called cooze but I see no comparison here?  Well scratch that for a moment there, many years ago I did run across a lovely lady in a bar one night and I would say that the size of the diamater of the opening of each was quite similar!  So maybe the inventor of these things ran in to the very same woman as I did and her "open twattedness" inspired him to create this life changing invention!  So what else was in the box?

IS THAT NOT THE SICKEST THING EVER?  Do you get it?  Bringing out the kid in you?  Coat hanger?  Think about it for a moment and get back to me when it comes to you.  But wait, that is not all, yes, there is more!

Can I get a hell yeah?  This is one kick ass looking shirt and it really looks even cooler in person!  Now where are you with the first shirt?  Figure it out yet?  Not only did my buddy send it to me in full color, but he also sent it this way too.

.... just because there are times when a black t'shirt  is just not appropriate and a classy white one is much more in order!  As you can see here it really jumps out at you on white!  But what if you want to wear your black shirt and it has the full color print and you are going to hang out with some one who is color blind?  You are right, you would be screwed and you just might offend that very friend!  Well being the thoughtful and considerate, amazing humanitarian that he is, he also sent me this.

See what I mean about this guy?  I mean hell, he has got to be in the running for a Nobel Peace Prize in the category of sensitivity!  So now I have the 5 coozies and I know you may be wondering why 5 and not 6?  Well it has always been said that I am one beer short of a six pack and as it turns out, it is correct.  I have a bunch of post cards to share with my friends so they know where they can get super sensitive shirts like these above but all this excitement over a few cool t's and some cooze?  Uhm, sorry, coozies?  NO!  This is what I have been waiting for and why I was so excited when the package arrived.  It was my, one and only, only one like it on earth, full blown custom designed, custom fitted, structurally supportive, personal sensitivity declaration making statement of my very own!  Want to see it?  Well here you go!

I BELIEVE THAT THIS QUALIFIES FOR A FULL BLOWN "FUCK YEAH"! How bad ass is that bitch?  This is so that the entire world knows just how sensitive I am!  This belt was made by KILL YOURSELF OR DIE TRYING and is one of the coolest things that I have ever seen!  I could not be even the slightest bit happier than I am with the finished product!  Not only does K.Y.O.D.T. make sick shit like this, but they make guitar straps and dog collars and straps for fireman's radios that are just mind blowing.  You have to check these fine folks out because this is made by hand in America by real deal bikers for real deal bikers!  What could possibly be better than that?  Go to KYODT.COM and take a look at what they make.  There is an endless array of choices in colors, lettering and sizes and on and on.

Just to show you what it looks like when you have a PRETTY DAMN GOOD day, check out this last pic and look at the smile on my face!  This package made my day today!  If you look closely at my head, you will see the last thing that I found in the box.  You guessed it, they even sent me this kick ass skully!  No bullshit, it is the best fitting skull cap that I have ever worn.  If you look you can see that you don't get those stupid POINTS that pop up on top of your head when you wear these kind of hats.  I love it!  I want to give a very special thanks to Boner Pants LaRouche, a REAL DOUCHE`!  As a matter of fact, I will take this time to say from the bottom of my heart, SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL DOUCHE`!  Richard Monk, you are a man amongst men, a king amongst kings, a Douche` amongst Douches! 

So like I said, it's been aPRETTY DAMN GOOD day and we are going to end it up with our great friends Charlie the Nomad and Ms. Jill coming over to check out our pool and maybe go real hardcore biker and have some vanilla ice cream.  That's right, don't be a hater!  WE ARE HAVING ICE CREAM!  I haven't gotten to see the Nomad in what seems like months and once again he is about to take off on that madness that is known to a few around the world, but known to most in our community as THE STAMPEDE!  Please, go check out my friends at KYODT.com and tell them that your friend Jack Shit sent ya!

I'm still trying to figure out what they mean by offensive t'shirts?  Speaking of offensive, did you figure out what that first shirt was about?

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE THERE'S SIGNS

On Sunday after the B A D Ride I took my first ride on down to Cook's Corner.  I had heard so much about this place over the years and I have never been there.  I had also heard so much about the famous Rock Store.  Back in January I had gone there while trying to score a television show with Bean're from the BBC.  As I turned through the twisties we rode right past the damn place.  To say that it was far LESS than I expected would be an understatement!  I pretty much had the same picture in my mind of what Cook's would be like.  Again, as I rolled through the canyon's twisties and came upon the bar, it was once again not what I expected.  HOLY SHIT!  To say it was FAR MORE than I expected would be an understatement!  The place was jam packed, there were bikes everywhere.  They were in front of the bar, on the side of the bar, across the street from the bar, parked on the roadway's shoulder and for about 500 feet along the road next to the bar and they were at least two deep.  Now this is what a biker bar should be.  I was told by a local that it was actually "a slow day" at Cook's.

I honestly could not get over the sheer size of the place!  Even though it was jam packed, I had not one bit of trouble getting a drink, my first of the day and let me tell you, it was one hell of a Jack and Coke.  I should really say it was one hell of a Jack with a splash of Coke!  I was feeling a bit wiped out from lack of sleep and riding so hard so I sucked back a Red Bull at the same time.  I walked around outside and realized I didn't know a single soul there.  As I walked I heard someone say Jack Shit so I turned around.  It was not that they recognized me, it was because I was wearing an I Know Jack Shit shirt!  That is the one major benefit to always having a hundred of them on hand, you always have a clean one!  So being the social butterfly that I am, I began to talk to these fine folks and they were truly "nice" people.  Things were going far too well for me, you guys know the luck that I have.  I've always said, if it were not for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.  that is just about the moment that I reached up to scratch my head and realized that my sunglasses were gone!  So much for good luck!  These were my only sun glasses and they are gone.  I excused myself from the conversation and began to back track.  Sure as shit, exactly where I was standing when I ordered my drink, under a bar stool that was just about to be put down on top of them, I found them!  Maybe I do have a small amount of luck after all?  The thing that was cool in my mind about this joint was the mixture.  You had your weekend warriors but you had your chopper jockeys as well.  There was such a mix of people that you would not nor could not imagine being in the same place without someone getting knocked out.  You had your endocrinologist and your 1%er standing damn near side by side.  The parking lot had 80 thousand dollar bikes parked next to rat bikes and in the mix you had your bone stock pans and knucks with an occasional flattie or BSA in the mix. 

The sun was getting the best of me and I had yet to eat.  The line to get my complimentary BBQ lunch at the BAD Ride never seemed to end so I refused to stand on it!  I went in and put my order in for what I was told was an infamously great cheeseburger and I sat to wait.  That is when my buddies Bart Mitchell and Richard from Biker Events Magazine Online showed up!  It was great to see them both, I never felt so alone in such a large group of people before.  I gobbled down my burger and fries and they were right, that shit was fantastic!  It was good to be out of the sun for a while.  I guess when you have one of the only booths and your two friends have big expensive cameras, people will come over to you!  For example this fine young lady came over to tell us about your company, I think it was Assgirl.com or something like that.  Well it seems that my friend Bart is like some sort of super detective and always gets to the BOTTOM of everything.  Well in this case he really got to the BOTTOM of what this girl was all about.  Well it would be easier to show you than tell you, so here you go.  What do you think she is trying to say?  Like the title of this blog states, signs, signs, everywhere there's signs;

IS THAT A BIG ASS CRAB STICKING OUT OF THE TOP OF HER PANTIES?  I'll have to ask Bart!

I could not stop laughing at how fast he got to the BOTTOM of this so I said good bye and went outside.  I was feeling full from eating and tired from the sun and the long day so I spotted me a sweet looking hay bail and thought "now that looks comfy".  I can go over there and just chill out!  It was off in a quiet corner of the property and I could not believe that nobody was sitting on it.  I felt as if I had discovered gold or something.  I kept thinking as I approached that some big ass sum bitch was going to cut right in front of me and sit down but it didn't happen.  There were people all standing 20 feet away yet no one took the hay bail?  So I sat down, made myself at home and began to relax.  I am notorious for taking "self portraits" so that is just what I did.  I wanted to document my "discovery" and my continuing streak of luck!  Once I take a pic, I always take a quick peek at it to see how it came out and to see if I need to re shoot it.  I took the photo and noticed that there was a prominently displayed sign behind me.  How did I miss this en route to my "happy place"?  Unfortunately, I accidentally erased the photo and did not take another, once I actually saw what the sign said. 

Well with my luck, I would fall asleep in this "happy place" and would awake being swept away by fast moving waters, while rattlesnakes bit me and poisonous plants grew around my legs and scorpions and tarantulas made their summer home in my asshole!  This was not going to happen to me, so I got up, counted my blessings and moved quickly away from the area!  No fucking wonder there was no one sitting on this damn hay bail from hell.  I could see the news paper, front page, FAMOUSLY STUPID AND KNOWN FOR HIS HORRIBLE LUCK, JACK SHIT WAS EATEN TODAY BY MOUNTAIN LION WHILE TAKING NAP! 

SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE THERE'S SIGNS....... I guess it would help if I just took a moment to read the damn things!  All in all, it was a great day, kick ass ride with a good friend and I can now say that I have been to Cook's Corner.  I can't wait to go back and read the next sign proudly displayed on some one's ass!  Here is the last shot of the day that my buddy Richard captured of me right before we pulled out!  I look pretty happy don't I?  Well I should, look what I had just survived!

That's Bart in the back there getting his shit together.  That is the bike he was kind enough to loan me in Laughlin!  He's a hell of a nice guy, so if you see him at an event remember, if you have something written on your panties, he will find out!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

A little kick ass guitar from the BAD Ride

I caught this at RIP's BAD Ride last Sunday. I don't know what it is about this song but when it is played well, I get sort of mesmerized. In this case, it was played really well. Too bad someone didn't make suggestions to me like; quit smoking or you are good in bed or every day you will wake up with a smile but none of that happened! Now I still smoke, am horrible in the sack and I am Mr. Grumpy in the morning! I hope you enjoy, this guy can play the shit out of this guitar!



Till we see each other on the road,
Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Tommy Rocker Kicking ass at RIP's BAD ride

I was all ready to split from the Bad Ride on Sunday and everyone looked at me like I was nuts. Tommy Rocker is about to go on man! So I said, "who the fuck is Tommy Rocker"? It took about 30 seconds of him playing to make me realize. Tommy Rocker from the Stray Cats.... this guy's name really fits. I had to capture a bit of it for you guys to see. I figured what better song to share than this one! I hope you enjoy and if you are a fan, please feel free to share it with who ever you want!




Until we see each other on the road,
Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

There are times when you have to ask WHY?

What it is? Yeup, that is what the license plate says! You can fill in the blanks! Check this out. This is why I try and bring a camera every where I go! You just never know when someone will put absolute gold in front of you and you must be prepared.... enjoy!



Until we see each other on the road and hopefully you won't be in one of these,
Keep the wind in your face,
Tits in your back
and the Man off your ass!

Your friend,
Jack Shit

Great ride, great friends and great lane splitting makes great memories!

As a great many of you know from seeing my face book posts last week, your pal Jack Shit was taking a road trip to California!  Now you guys know that I am no big fan of the place at all, but what I am a fan of are some of the people who live there.  Not only did they live up to great expectations this trip but they far exceeded them.  By the grace of God I guess, I am lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing people!  I had big plans to pack up the bike that my buddy Daryl was kind enough to loan me for the trip early and get some much needed rest.  Wake up at the crack of Diane, hit the shower and then hit the road by 8am the latest!  By doing this, I would beat most of the blazing heat and sun while crossing the desert!  Ah yes, big plans are made to be broken I guess!  As it turns out, my dear friend George the Painter rolled on up for a visit the afternoon before I was to leave.  I have not seen him in person in what seems like forever so we stayed up till 1am bullshitting.  To say I was shocked when I saw him rolling in to the driveway would be an understatement to say the very least.  I am accustomed to seeing GTP on his trusty (joke) shovel head.  Imagine my surprise when I saw him roll up on this;

You can even imagine my shock when he told me he needed to borrow the hose as the radiator needed to be filled?  Radiator, what's that?  As you may have guessed, this also means that I never loaded up the bike either.  So at 3 am when I crawled in to bed and could not fall asleep because I had become so stressed out knowing that I would never leave any where near on time!  I awoke at 5:30 after about 2 hours of sleep and really didn't feel too bad.  I set the alarm for 6 am and thought I would grab another quick 30 minutes then I'd really be ready for my trip!  When Diane said, "baby, it's 11am are you getting up", I almost stroked out!  I leaped from the bed and was instantly frantic and began doing math in my head to figure what time I would arrive in Long Beach!  To make what turned out to be a really long story short, I fired up the bike to leave at 1pm.  Oh yes, what better time to cross the BLAZING DESERT?  I jammed the 10 towards LA with all that 96 incher would muster and was doing great on time.  Well great with the exception that I was now 5 hours late, but still doing okay.  I called Big Ben before I left to tell him that I would be in town and I had given my word to him that I would never again come to California and not visit him.  He insisted that I stay at his place in Long Beach, who was I to refuse?

I found myself laying on the grass at a gas station in Palm Springs and hiding under a palm tree to get out of the sun while trying to get the massive knot between my shoulder blades to go down a bit.  I called the little woman and let her know that I was alive and sucked back a RockStar and burned a quick four of five smokes!  Within 20 minutes of pulling out of that gas station I had to slow the bike down to no more than 70 mph as the winds were hitting 50+ mph gusts and I was getting blown from lane to lane.  There were a few times that I truly thought I would get sucked under a tractor trailer!  By the time I was getting away from the miles of giant windmills, some clouds got in front of the sun and I began to get a chill.  It could only last for a few minutes right?  Wrong!  By the time I hit the 60 I had to pull over and put on a leather.  Fucking California.  Not 30 minutes earlier I was hiding from the sun and sweating like OJ in a court room and now I had to put layers on so not to freeze my balls off!  What a state!  I rolled on in to Long Beach and Big Ben's joint around 8pm.  I called about 20 miles out to let him know that I was alive and to find out if he needed me to bring anything and to find out if he had eaten yet.  "No we have not" was his response.  "We are making you dinner right now"!  First class people does not come close to describing Ben and Andrea!  The steak was one of the best that I have had in years!  The entire meal, everything they served tasted as if it were the best I have ever had!  I sure was hungry too but I'm telling you, this shit was like eating a unicorn, magical!

Ben called his job and told them that under no circumstances were they to call him that night!  That sounds cool right?  You have no idea how cool it was and I will explain why.  Big Ben works 7 days a week and does on average 15 hours per day.  He has not taken a day off since the first of January and he called in and told them that he would not be in on Saturday either!  How incredible is that?  My buddy who never takes a day off, just took off for one and a half.  He was going to show me around and come to THY WILL BE DONE with me.  I could not believe it.  I was just going to crash on his floor for one night and then get out of his hair and now we were hanging out!  I could not have asked for more.  At around 10:30 Friday night he asked "so you ready to go for a ride"?  Hell yeah!  I had just ridden 400 miles but I was ready to go again!  We went outside and rolled the bagger and his 55 pan out of the garage.  Now this 55 is a virtual exact original bike, it's not running straight pipes or anything crazy and the bagger is not either.  This guy never gets to ride much less even start the bike.  We fire them up for maybe a minute or so and out of my right mirror I see this woman running towards us waiving and screaming for him!  I thought she owed him money or vice versa.  At best I thought it was a friend who because of his hours never gets to see him.  I WAS WRONG ON ALL ACCOUNTS!  This woman needed to get laid desperately!  She was screaming like a maniac that she was not going to put up with this fucking bullshit any longer!  She was calling the police and going to the landlord to have him thrown out!  It's 11 o'clock at night and you sons o bitches are out here with these god damned motorcycles!  I thought to myself, "how loud could the bikes be if while they are running we can hear her perfectly"?  She was a maniac!  Someone needed to get down and lick that love box something fierce, she was in desperate need of a good orgasm!  We were dumbfounded as we rode away and at each traffic light stopped and laughed about what a maniac she was!  We suggested that the next time Bean're comes to town that he stay with her instead of Ben and Andrea and take one for the team!  We will have to see about that.

Saturday came and I thought I was going to have to get up way early to ride to Seal Beach for Affliction's Thy Will Be Done, Art, Car and Bike show.  As it turns out, it was like 5 miles away!  This trip was going far better than I had expected.  I had spoken to Chopper Doll about meeting up and her shortening the necklace that she made for me.  As it turns out, she lived only 5 minutes further than the show.  This shit could not get any better.  So that is where we went, off to Ms. Daisy's place.  When we arrived we saw this tweaker sitting on the ground in front of her house painting her house number and a chopper on her curb.  We dismounted the bikes and as any normal person would, Ben walked over to take a look at the "art".  Daisy came out to greet us and I gave her my necklace and lit a smoke.  When you are done, c'mon in she said.  Big Ben picked up her little dog Lola and sat down on a bench. I was still standing next to the bike about 15 feet from Tweaky Pete the painter when he turned around and started giving me shit!  Really?  If you are going to stand there I will just stop painting and leave.  I can not be creative while you are standing over my shoulder and looking down at me.  Really?  I went from Happy Jack to Angry Jack like the flip of a switch and I mother fucked him up and down.  I am 15 feet away from you, I am not anywhere near you nor have I even been anywhere near you.  If I do start walking near you, you better jump your ass up and run because I am going to kick you in your tweaker teeth!  "Oh man, don't trip", was his answer to me.  Don't trip, "fuck you" I told him!  I was pretty pissed off as I walked towards the house until I saw this.

Who could stay angry seeing a nearly 7 foot tall bad ass holding a little dog that looks like that?  I just laughed and told him what had just happened and he said, "that was me standing behind him".  Oh yeah, I can surely see the mistake since we look so much alike?  We went in to the house which was gorgeous for the record and sat on the couch and spent the next 10 minutes trying to convince the Poodle Juliet that we were not monsters.  She didn't come to me but made her way to Big Ben!  Damn Dog!  I was going to get one of these dogs to be my friend if I had to grab it and hold the damn thing down!  It didn't take long.

We put the dogs down, hard as it was and got ready to roll on out.  We were only a few minutes from the show and we had actually passed it on the way over and it looked big and bad ass!  So we got our shit ready to go and rode on out.

As you can see in these two pics, we are no where near the fucking freak show painting "his masterpiece" on Daisy's curb!  I should have ridden over his ass on the way out but I didn't want Daryl's bike to catch any thing!  What a sleaze bag!  So we took off for the show.  I was informed that we were in the June Gloom and this was typical of southern California.  When you stood still, you sweat like a pig and as soon as you moved you could feel your balls begin to shrivel up.  Well I know mine did, I didn't ask Daisy about hers, but I will.  I wrapped my head in my Al Qaeda scarf, as I have no liner in my helmet and it is hard to get those little Styrofoam balls out of my hair and we took off.  It is always bad ass riding next to antique iron and riding next to that 55 was no exception, that bike was tits!

I am rocking that Al Qaeda scarf and I would constantly forget that I had it on.  I would get where we were going and take off my helmet but the scarf would stay on.  Between the beard and dark glasses and the rag on my head, people just stood and stared at me like I was about to blow myself up.  Jack Shit a suicide bomber?  Had never really thought about that but hey, I won't rule it out!  We got to the show, parked the bikes and I looked down to my left and immediately saw this kick ass gas tank!

.... and this thing was just parked in the lot.  If this was a sign of things to come it was going to be great!

We got off the bikes and there were bikes and cars everywhere but the very first car that I saw was hands down one of the coolest things that I have ever seen!  From that moment on, this was the only car that I took a photo of.  Although there were some amazing old caddy's and hot rods, this fucker took it for me.  Check out this sick car!  I have never before seen anything like it.  Maybe you guys have, but not me!

This guy took a Chevelle and an El Camino and put them together!  It was a Chevellecamino!  Radical!

We hung around outside and checked out some of the rods and bikes and then went inside to find Lisa and Duane Ballard.  Duane was one of the featured artists in the show and it was a well deserved spot!  We walked in and there they were, damn near right up front.  It was great to see them for sure.  On the wall was a panel that Duane had made just for the show.  I can't even imagine having artistic skills like this man does, it really was a work of art.  I don't know what happened to my photo of it, but please go to his page or shiny side marketing and check out the time lapsed piece that Lisa made during the creation of the piece.  It is so cool to see.  If I had any computer skills whatsoever, I would put a link here for it, but I do not have any so I can't!  Sorry!  It is worth checking out and there should be a link on the right side of my page here for it!  My friend Qian and her friend rode down to hang with us for a bit and I finally got to meet Jon Towle.  We bullshit on face book but never got to meet before.  I saw him walking earlier in a Charlie Brown shirt and didn't realize it was him but thought, what a cool shirt!  But as cool as it was, I replaced it with a much cooler one!

You can see just how excited Qian was to see me.  For a moment I even thought she would hang up the phone.... well, she did pretend to listen to me for a second so that was almost as good!  It seems that on Plenty of Fish, there are Plenty of Fish and it was time to ride to San Pedro over the bridges and go fishing with Qian.  Hey, sounds like a good idea for a tv show, fishing with Qian... So we jumped on the bikes and began the mad dash over the river and through the woods!  My first real LANE SPLITTING experiences were about to happen.  I thought it was only allowed when traffic was stopped.  Who knew that you can do it when traffic is doing 70?  I know I didn't!  It was truly exhilarating and horrifying at the same time.  I had no idea where I was or where I was going so I just followed what ever the rider in front of me did and what they did was split lanes!  There is nothing like pulling up to a red light with 25 cars in front of you in all three lanes and you just ride right on up to the front of the line!  LANE SPLITTING ROCKS or as they call it legally in California and what else could it be called but Lane SHARING.  Because in California, everything must be shared.  It don't matter if you worked for it, you must share it with someone who has not!  In this case, I was, I guess an official Democrat for the day and was spreading the wealth!  Okay, send hate mail now!

We had survived all the lane splitting through town and over bridges and all was good, for a minute!  As we were going to a joint down by the water called Walkers for Qian to "go fishing", we came upon a hard, uphill right hand banked turn with a traffic light at the top.  We slowed down and as the light changed, we all hit the throttle and that is when the shit hit the fan.  It seems that the brandy new rebuild on that gorgeous 55 had some troubles.  It was leaking oil a bit when we left but now was leaking like a mother fucker.  The back wheel was soaked with oil and when Big Ben let out the clutch, the throttle hung up a bit and at about 20 mph, the bike just went buck wild like a Brahma bull!  He held on while the bike did 360's on it's side and much like bull riding he nearly made the full 8 seconds.  Also much like bull riding, he only made it 7.8 seconds so the ride didn't count.  I have seen lots of people wipe out on bikes but never before seen a good friend do it right in front of me and it was horrible to watch!  That bike spun around faster and faster until it finally just flung him off, yet he never let go of the bars.  When both the bike and Ben came to a stop, he jumped up, picked up the bike and we rolled it out of the way of traffic.  We were afraid that some of those people who we passed splitting lanes would now get pay back and ride right over his ass!  He took only a few minutes to re compose himself, kicked the bike to life and said, "let's get the fuck out of here before the cops get here"!  That is just what we did.  Only one problem, we still had to get over that very same hill and through that same traffic light.  WE MADE IT!  We rolled up to Walker's and I got off the bike and just gave him a great big hug, asked about injuries and then took a good look at the bike.

 There that beautiful 55 sits after having a wild crash.  Thank God for front and rear crash bars.  Now I know what they are there for.  A few scratches and the tip of the clutch lever broken off and that was all the damage.   All the damage to the bike that is.  The rider seemed to fair just as well.

 A few holes in the hands, shirt and side of the rib cage was all Brother Ben suffered.  I knew that there had to be more injuries but I can only assume that his adrenalin was so high that he couldn't feel it!  The next day there was a little bit more soreness in the shoulders and back but for the most part, thankfully, he was ok!

We returned home, told his girl what had happened and then my buddy who had to get up at 6 am for work went to his room for a moment.  That moment lasted about 4 hours.  He sat on that bed and passed out!  I guess the thrill had subsided and he just crashed.  I sat on the couch trying not to make a sound and be a good house guest.  I didn't want to wake him up.  This is what he gets for taking off his first day since January.  I sat on the couch, turned on the lap top and once again began to write this story.  I just could not seem to get the words flowing.  A moment later a face book post popped up.  Hey Jack, if you are still in town, we are going to be at a bar called Ashley's (I think that is what it was) come on down.  I googled it and sure as shit it was only like 10 blocks away.  How could I not go?  So I got my shit together as quietly as possible so not to wake up Ben and then I had to take the bike out without waking up the psychotic neighbor.  I was in no mood to get yelled at again tonight.  I rode on down, met up with some friends, had a drink and figured I would head back to the house and get a good nights sleep.  Well you know how that goes for me.  Soon I found myself running like a mad man trying to keep up with these lunatics through the streets of Long Beach!  Who knew that Street Glides did such kick ass wheelies and while doing 40 mph?  I know that I didn't!

When we arrived at the next bar, we parked the scoots.  My friends parked in front of the door and I parked about 20 feet away.  I could hear the bouncer explaining to them that some of them could come in but others were more or less banned for life!  Oh well!  As it turns out, a little bit of sweet talking and a bit of ass kissing and life isn't really for "life".  We hung out for a bit, had a few drinks and just laughed our asses off.  These fine folks were kind enough to pick up some Shit shirts and we sort of made a spectacle of ourselves!

In the end, I was glad that I went out that night and didn't just go to sleep at 8 pm.  These fine folks of southern California can not be judged by where they live!  They were fantastic!  I look forward to riding with them again.  Now all I had to do was find my way back to Long Beach and all would be fine.  The only trouble was that I had no idea where I was at or where I was going!  I punched the address in to my phone and jammed the phone in between my head and my helmet.  It was really uncomfortable and I expected it to come flying out at anytime and go crashing to the ground.  Hell, it is my piece of shit droid, I half hoped that it would!  I made it back to a familiar spot, grabbed a dozen doughnuts for my hosts breakfast and headed back to Ben and Andrea's place where I was welcomed like family.  I got in to the house without waking everyone up thank God.  I was a bit wired out from my red bull vodkas so I turned on the lap top and checked out where I would be going for RIP's Bad Ride the next day.  I figured out the route and spoke briefly with my new friend Emilio Rivera from Sons of Anarchy and made plans to meet up the next day.

The ride there was awesome and the event turned out to be filled with excellent people doing good things.  I will tell you guys all about that another time!  Hope everyone has a great weekend, ride safe and live life because you just never know what tomorrow will bring you!

Until we see each other on the road,

Keep the wind in your face,

Tits in your back

and The Man off your ass!

Your friend,

Jack Shit